Everyone in the world needs a new website.

It makes sense. The Internet changes daily and the website you invested in even one year ago is now out of date, out of whack and just plain useless. This is a bad thing for most businesses but a very good thing for me. I am flooded with work and starting to feel like I’m in a box that keeps shrinking. But then I pop out, crack through a window and meet another huge deadline and everything seems right in the world again. I love my work so it’s all very exciting. Can there be anything more rewarding than giving a small or medium sized business a website that actually works for them, rather than against them?

On top of my own work and this blog I have been spending a huge chunk of my time with these guys. Click onto this page and scroll down to the bottom – see? That’s me, working away, with my hand on my head trying to digest the gigantic amount of work my Troy Allen just handed me. When you say Troy’s name you have to say his first and his last together. He is the stuff of creative legend in this town and sometimes I can’t believe I’m working with him. You’d all love him, or be scared to death of him – I’m not quite sure… stalk him on Twitter here and if you get a chance ask him about the time Alaina gave him a branch of a pine wrapped up in a bow with a card attached.

Point is, I’m busy… very busy. Finding moments to myself are tough.

I’ll find more than a few this weekend when I’m driving up to Michigan for Katie and Brian’s beautiful wedding. John Bear will be back here watching over Benjamin for the 36 hours it will take for me to get there, to watch the wedding and then get back. It will be their first time alone for longer than three or four hours but as John says, “I’ve got to do it sometime. Why not now?”

And besides, being alone with Benjamin on in our cozy apartment will be far easier than embarking on a seven hour road trip with him in the car.

I’ll be going to a wedding stag, just me and my camera. Expect a huge recap along with a video when I get back.

Until then, check these out – a new round of photographs – the video about the Browns game and Fiesta Movement Mission #5 is coming soon.

Related posts:

1. Tune in…
2. His father wants to take him…I’m freaking out.
3. Someone just called me the L-word.

“If everything works out with John, Benjamin won’t know a time when he wasn’t around.”

As my therapist’s words sink in the last three years of my life flash through my mind; from the beginning when I packed everything up and moved into my mother’s, to the quiet nights at her house in the woods wondering and wishing myself away and back to some semblance of independence and then to the moment when Benjamin and I stepped into our own sweet, little apartment – ready to begin our new life.

What followed is all here, on this blog in my eBook, or safe in my mind.

I sit on her couch, staring off into a painting on the wall as I try to grasp this idea of him not remembering anything before John Bear. The memories wash over me – the adventures big and small – like the time we were yelled at by a hair salon owner or the countless grocery store trips that typically ended in knock down drag out tantrums. Then there were the big adventures like trips to find Joshua Trees

or deep forests and mountain coves in Vancouver.

And smaller adventures like hours of puddle jumping for no reason

or sweating it out on a hot summer day in August to hear our future president, a man also raised by a single mom, speak to us from about twenty feet away.

or chasing bunnies with Sydney.

Now, looking back, it is these moments – the moments when I forced myself out of the house with him, braving the book store, the library, the festivals, the camping trips and the road trips all by myself, trying to fill the time – that are the best memories I have of the two of us.

Memories of the moments when we both forgot where we were or when we just took our time

because we didn’t have anywhere else to be.

“So they’ll all be gone? He won’t remember a thing?” I ask my therapist or, as I fondly call her, Wonder Woman. She’s helping me to straighten out my trust issues and to figure out why, in the past, I had a pattern of choosing bad boys dysfunctional men.

“The emotions we all feel before the age of three are imprinted on our minds forever, but the actual memories are harder to keep so, no, he probably won’t remember any time that John wasn’t there. To Benjamin, he will have always been around.”

I am trying to see it as I typically would, to draw a clear line – a before and after, a then and now – but to me, meeting John and almost sensing that he was about to surface, was all part of one big transition for both Benjamin and I. Bringing John and Murphy into our lives is another family adventure but this time, we’re playing for keeps and we’re both falling.

Fortunately John is right there with us, helping us paddle the boat and proving his love through his actions over and over again. And even though part of me used to identify myself with being single, the fact is that, single or not I am still me and Benjamin is still Benjamin.

We’re just being introduced to some new things

and I am seeing expressions on his face and witnessing feelings I didn’t know he had in him

They seem so obvious now. A game, cracker jacks, a helmet filled with ice cream.

Love from a man who knows how to love.

“That’s okay,” I tell Wonder Woman, “I am happy and Benjamin is happy, that’s exactly what I’ve wanted all along. We’re just growing, making room for even more love – it doesn’t replace the love that already existed.” But that doesn’t mean I won’t be sneaking Benjamin off for a few more solo adventures or two.

In fact, I’ve been savoring our moments alone even more now. Not that we don’t like having John Bear around – we adore him (and so does Wonder Woman, by the way) – but this entire experience, of growing your heart and your family at the same time is something you need to take slowly. And while things have been speeding up as of late, while there is more and more talk of what is coming and as magnificent as it all sounds, it’s not perfect. Nothing is ever perfect. But, I can tell you, it’s a hell of a lot easier when you have a good, strong man there to catch you – a man who you know would never do or say anything to hurt you.

As for the imperfections, there are all kinds of things coming into play. My ex, for example, is becoming more and more agitated by Benjamin’s affectionate talk of this “John Bear.” We are also trying to learn how to co-parent… all other stories for another day, but for now I have a prize to give away.

[UPDATE: Just added photos from the baseball game to the bottom of my Recently Photo Album]

Single Mom Adventure Prize Pack

I don’t know why but I keep getting contacted by companies offering prizes too good to resist… maybe they’ll slow up soon enough but until then, let’s all have some fun and ride the contest wave, shall we? This one is particularly awesome…

Prize #1: A Shutterfly Photo Book

I spent most of this afternoon sorting through old pictures of Benjamin. I’m collecting them all to add to my set of Shutterfly photo books. The company contacted me asking if I’d be interested in some free samples (full disclosure). I said, “Sure, but only if my readers can have some too.” And guess what? They did. I have a few copies to give away!

I don’t know about you but I’m in love with photo print books because the pictures aren’t going to fade, get lost, separated from the album, etc. And Shutterfly books are surprising affordable and they have a big sale going on right now too. (They didn’t tell me to say that, by the way. No one ever tells me to say anything about their product because if they did I’d tell to go bug off).

Prize #2: A copy of Sole Mate by Lauren Mackler

I was reading Sole Mate: Mastering the Art of Aloneness when I met John. The author, a single mother, who had to move back to the U.S. from Europe with her two grown children after her marriage fell apart, is truly inspiring. I love this book and highly recommend it to everyone, even those of us in happy relationships.

How to enter:

The contest is open until Monday, September 14th. Just leave a comment telling me about one of your favorite adventures as a single mom and consider yourself entered.

Related posts:

1. My Kick Ass Christmas Contest!
2. Trippin’, Part 1

“You sound stressed,” my friend said over the phone. 

“Yeah, well, I guess I am.” 

Is this getting harder or am I imagining it?

Terrible-twos? Really? I thought it was the threes. He is almost three, but still… I think it’s me. I’m impatient right now. I’m bored and yes, I’m a little stressed. But not because of him. Benjamin is amazing.

“Mommy,” he says, “I need to tell you something.”

It’s a phrase he learned from said Mommy.

Then he cups my face in his little hands and tells me something about his day, his feelings, or the nerf gun I bought him. He’s awesome. It’s totally me. Or is it? I just don’t know because this is the first time I’ve done this mom thing and I’m doing it alone.

There’s no one to bounce all of this shit off of … am I doing this right? Or that? 

And it’s winter. I need sunshine. And it’s not just winter — it’s freezing. Last week the sun came out for one afternoon. Then the clouds rolled back in and we’ve been under them ever since.

I lived in Texas once – in Fort Worth. The sun never faded. When it did, the black storm clouds rolled through and they were gone twenty minutes later. 

Distant storms. You could feel them on the breeze, just a whisper in the trees.

I discovered words like those at live concerts in the hot, Texas air with cowboys every which way and my little sister by my side. We were single and free and so incredibly happy. Then I moved back up North… destiny threw Benjamin’s father in my path and the rest is history. Sun is important, people. Seriously. I’ll find it again. But this time Benjamin will be with me. 

I am also completely preoccupied this week because there’s a little adventure around the corner. 

I’m going on a trip – hopping on a jet plane. I’ll have to tell you where I’m going when I get back.

(Mia is watching Benjamin).

Mia is doing really, really well by the way.

In fact, she’s been so pre-occupied as of late she hasn’t found time to write. I know she’s not completely out of the woods. but she’s made some major progress. Sure, she’ll have false starts and a few seriously dark moments (maybe more than a few). But she’s just keeping on…

With all of you cheering us on it’s hard to feel like anything is impossible. 

I hope you know we’re cheering you on too. Single moms are phenomenal.   

—–

Oh, and I finally wrote about sex. Hope it helps. 

Note: To anyone who knows me in the flesh – DO NOT click that link. [That includes Mom (my mom) and Eliot (my little brother)]. If you do click that link you can never, ever hold it against me or make fun of me for it, because I told you not to. 

The rest of you – you know who you are – don’t click it. 

Everyone else, hop on over. 

It could be a huge disappointment – just warning you. I’m just giving advice to those weird married people on how to spice up their sex lives.

Related posts:

1. Momma Cum Laude’s daughter is here!!!