My aunt and I were talking on the phone about my French-Canadian fiance.

We would be getting married in her back yard in just a few days. I was frantically planning the wedding so we could beat an INS deadline to kick him out of the country.

“So, do you have that feeling?” she asked. “You know how people say ‘when you know, you know.’ Do you have it?”

“No, I don’t. It’s not there. Is that bad?”

“Oh, I’m sure it’s fine. You know you want to be with him, right?”

“Yeah. And that’s crazy anyway? It’s all a risk, a leap of faith, how can you just know?”

I was 25-years-old and I was really good at talking myself into things.

After we took our vows we were standing in a dark corner of my aunt’s gorgeous yard, the laughter of my friends and family echoing, me in my wedding dress and him wearing one of my father’s old suits.

It had been a last minute adjustment. My mom had hated his rental tux so she found one of dad’s suits for him to wear. I clung to that for the two years we were together, thinking that it was a sign from my father that we should be together.

But here in the darkness I looked at my new husband and suddenly felt like I’d just jumped off of a cliff with him.

“Well, this is it. We’re in this together now.”

I expected him to hold me tight and tell me how wonderful it would be, something to that effect but we both stood there shuffling our feet not quite sure what to say or do. And it was then that I knew something was off, very off.

Given the struggles I’ve overcome since that day, I can’t help but lay the cards of my past next to those of my future and try to compare then and now. But this time when I see the two side by side there is nothing to compare.

This time I know. I am not looking for signs because I don’t need them.

“Have you ever loved anyone as much as you love him,” my little sister asked. My touchstone for just about everything, Anna and I are only one year apart but she’s way ahead of me in the love department, having met her husband years ago.

“No, not like this before,” I answered.

“Woah.” She paused and then, “Now, don’t all of those old relationships seem like a huge waste of time?”

“Yeah but I’m still glad I had them. I knew that if he ever came the rest would have just been entertaining me along the way.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. You never really liked any of those guys anyway.”

Nope. I didn’t. Not like this one. Not even close.

Your comments to my Dark Side post have been so insightful and humbling.

Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. Seriously. I couldn’t have asked for better advice. I’m taking it all in and your words will always be echoing in my mind, helping me see how wonderful this relationship thing can be, especially if you’ve found the right person.

[Photos: See pictures from last night's Clippers baseball game in Huntington Park, aka this week's date night.]

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