My apologies to NYC.

by mssinglemama on November 28, 2011

I have an apology to make to New York City.

I am sorry for doubting you and jumping to conclusions after my last visit.

I’m not sure what happened, maybe it was the hot weather (100+) and the wrong neighborhood choice (Times Square), but this time I had a completely different experience. We were in Greenpoint, a Polish neighborhood in Brooklyn, where my sister, Anna, and her husband, Ryan, are living until he finishes law school.

The first night Benjamin woke up and started puking. He had the flu, most certainly and unavoidably. And there we all were the next day, on Thanksgiving, staring at each other and wondering in horror when we would all start doing the same. That got old after the first hour so we proceeded as planned and Anna and Ryan made a delicious Thanksgiving Feast. [click to continue…]

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Romance vs. Love: What’s the difference?

by mssinglemama on November 23, 2011

I always pick books up, read a chapter or two, set them down for weeks and then pick them back up later to read a few more. If you recall a few posts back I recommended Gloria Steinem’s Revolution from Within. And as usual, I then didn’t finish it… but a few nights ago I started reading it again and flipped directly to the chapter titled Romance versus Love. I’ve attempted to write about the difference here and here – and it’s been a running theme on this blog. The big questions being – what is love, what does love mean to us as single moms, as single women and why do we always seem to choose the wrong men? Had I found this book then, I would have found that Steinem has already sorted it all out for us.

I wanted to share some of her thoughts, as I found them completely awesome.

It’s not easy to generalize about love. Like each person who feels its invisible filaments stretching to another person, it is unique in each instance. Unlike romance, whose plots are uniform enough to be conveyed by shorthand – “if-I-can’t-have-you-no-one-will,” “transitional affair,” “middle-aged crazy,” “the other woman,” “wartime romance,” and so on – love has no standard storyline and no agenda except to deepen the joys and cushion the blows of very individual lives. As Robin Morgan sums up in The Anatomy of Freedom, “Hate generalizes, love specifies.” And romance generalizes, too. When we look for a missing part of ourselves in other people, we blog out their uniqueness. Since most of us have been deprived along gender lines, we generalize about the “opposite sex”, thus rendering it a blank screen on which we project our hopes (in romance) or our fears (in hate). No wonder romane turns so easily to hate, and vice versa.

Steinem continues to write that, as described by those who experience them, the characteristics of love are remarkably similar to the marks of high self-esteem. You’ll have to pick up the book to read the details of each, but here are the characteristics of love:

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Hello.

by mssinglemama on November 18, 2011

Just thought you would all like to see this mysterious guy who has me completely smitten.

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Another perspective

by mssinglemama on November 10, 2011

She is only a fresh seven years old. I cross my legs and sit down by her cousin’s Barbie house. There’s a party going on for her one year old cousin and even though I want to be meeting his family, I would rather – in this moment – be here with her.

There are three Barbies. The first is decked out in glittery jewelry and extremely put together, the second looks like she just stumbled out of bed after an extremely rough night and the third is just right, simple and cute.

I have my own feelings about Barbies. They are gross exaggerations of the female form, something no little girl should ever feel she should live up to or look like. Why are their breasts so large in proportion to their waists? Couldn’t Mattel make them just a hair more realistic? And then there are all of the good times I myself had with Barbie as a little girl. I loved them.

She starts by lining all three Barbies upstairs against a wall.

“What are they waiting for?” I ask.

“The Prince,” she says.

Then the Prince marches in and measures up the girls.

“He’s going to pick one,” she says.

After he’s made his choice and marched off with the Just Right Barbie, I am left holding the two single Barbies.

“We have to find them Princes,” she adds nonchalantly, as if it is part of the plan all along. [click to continue…]

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Taking a break…

by mssinglemama on October 13, 2011

I’ll be back. I’m not sure when. Maybe in a week, or a month, or never. Honestly, I don’t know right now.

After meeting him, my first reaction was to tell all of you – and quickly – that you must have butterflies, that you must feel a spark, that you must never settle, that I had found something I am sure not all of us get to experience in a lifetime. I wanted to put a clause or a correction on everything I had been writing in the past. I wanted to share it with you so you in turn won’t settle, as I had advised before. And then the harsh judgments started pouring in.

All of my credibility, all trust you may have in my judgement to protect my son – all of that tossed aside, without any regard to the fact that Benjamin is the happiest kid you’ll ever meet and doing far better in school and in life than I ever could have imagined.

To question my character? Really?

Yes, I love being in love. Yes, I love love. Yes, I believe in love. Yes, I have met the man of my dreams. And yes, I will may be a fool. But for the first time in the four years since starting my blog, I am choosing to keep things where they belong – between he and I. Read my archives, take what you will from them. Learn what you can, that’s why this blog is here.

Know that I am out enjoying life and, gasp, love. And I am completely aware that I could get hurt. I am completely aware that this is just the beginning. And no I am not going to rush off and marry him or move in with him. I really will miss writing, but this is what I need right now. I need to be completely and absolutely selfish and just enjoy my privacy.

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A lesson in love

by mssinglemama on October 12, 2011

My father and I were folding laundry, the piles were up to our knees.

It had been a particularly rough week in our house. There were six of us after all and my mother and he had been fighting about something. I can’t remember what, most likely something to do with the logistics of raising six humans. Should Eliot really go off to soccer practice in Marietta or should he stay at the camp in Athens? Or, should the girls really go to that party at so and so’s house whose parents may or may not be home?

My parents had a very unique relationship. Unlike parents I witnessed at my friends’ houses, my parents would often be spotted kissing in the kitchen while preparing dinner and they would stay up late into the night talking. Not fighting or arguing, but deep in conversation, passionate conversation about their work, life, us kids, and each other. They didn’t waste time with things, like television. They were in love, yes, but they were also best friends.

When my father died, part of my mother died with him.

In this moment, buried in the laundry, I felt struck to ask him a bold question.

“How do you do it, Dad? How do you still love Mom so much after all of these years? Even on days like this.”

It only took him a moment to answer, “I always knew, even though my parents had gone through a terrible divorce, that I would find the love of my life some day and that I would be madly in love with her. I believed in love.” He paused and kept folding and then added, “and so did your mother. Look at her family. Divorce, horrible, horrible things but she still believed. We both believed. And then we found each other.”

It made complete sense to me, they believed in love. More importantly, they believed in their relationship. The believing being the key. Because nothing can existing without a belief that it exists. Especially love.

Belief in motion. My parents stepping outside of a hotel after their wedding.

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On Prince Charming…

by mssinglemama on October 6, 2011

He holds my face in his hands and says before kissing me, “Are you feeling this?”

“Yes,” I answer, relieved. “It’s not just me, then?”

“No. It’s not just you,” he says.

“Has this ever happened to you before?” I ask.

“Nope.” He smiles into my eyes.

“Me neither.”

But we just met. This is only our second date.

How is this possible? How can we both be feeling what we’re feeling? Is this purely driven by our physical attraction to one another? Definitely not, I’ve felt that before–this is something entirely different. And I was attracted to him before I even met him. This is something I can’t describe and all of my skepticism all of my cynicism, all of my doubts that love like this exists in the world is immediately gone.

And I can say that this is worth everything preceding it, no matter what follows…

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The fearless

by mssinglemama on September 29, 2011

Benjamin and his bud Bert jump out of the car. We’ve pulled up to the most exciting place on Earth.

The Eagle Creek Leadership and Challenge Center to you and I, but to Benjamin and Bertie this is where Thomas and Calvin’s grandpa lives. Thomas and Calvin are quite possibly the cutest brothers you’ll ever lay your eyes on.

And when they talk it’s even better. Smart as whips. Sweet as sugar. And the woman largely responsible for their adorable little selves is one of my best single mama friends.

Elizabeth makes this shit look easy. And she hates, hates, hates having her picture taken. Justifiably so because pictures don’t truly capture her spirit or beauty– I doubt any camera could. [click to continue…]

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How do you do it?

by mssinglemama on September 24, 2011

I posed this question on Facebook a few weeks back and the responses were tremendously inspiring and motivating.

The question was sparked by an e-mail from a new single mom who asked me how I did it, how I continue to do it and what advice I could offer to her to make her days brighter. At that moment she was struggling with how she could possibly survive being a single mom. I never responded and now I can’t find the e-mail. Sad about that, so if you’re reading–accept my apology.

My response:

I remember feeling that way and I know my long time readers remember when I felt that way. But, now, things are completely different–I enjoy being a single mom.

So what happened? Well, it could very well be circumstance–I now have a support network of neighbors and a strong, tight group of girlfriends who are single moms, Benjamin is also older and things are easier, and I work for myself and have flexible hours. Or, it could be because I have adapted and accepted single motherhood. The shock has worn off and I have accepted this as my life. I have also realized that even if a man enters our lives, things won’t magically be easier.

Regardless, I do know the single moms with little ones–babies or toddlers– have it the hardest.

What tips do you have for new single moms? Leave a comment! As incentive, I’ll be giving away a new leaf necklace to one of you who comments on this post. The winner will be drawn randomly. Good luck!

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Romance in the air?

by mssinglemama on September 13, 2011

The leaves are falling, the days are shorter, there is Halloween stuff every where, I just found an awesome vintage fur coat at a thrift store and I find myself wishing I had a manperson to share it with. But why? I don’t want to be wanting one, when clearly there isn’t one anywhere on the horizon.

I confessed this to my  fellow super-independent single mom friend, Elizabeth, tonight after our boys ran off from the dinner table.

“Me too,” she said, “Fall makes me want a boyfriend.”

“It’s the season, they call this the dating season.”

“I know! Right? It totally is.”

“But, why? Probably because we are nesting or something.”

“Yeah, we are all trying to find a guy before it freezes over. Someone to cuddle with in the Winter.”

“But we don’t even have any prospects.”

“I know. It’s bad!” she laughed.

“What are we going to do? Where do we even look?” [click to continue…]

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