Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama

And then he sings…

mssinglemama — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 17:38:39 +0000

So, when he’s not working or chasing his kids around, Mr. Mister (or Seth, as you’ll find out in this video) is a singer/songwriter.

He wrote this song during his separation. And I think, all of us single parents – moms and dads – can relate. I had to share and took this video during one of his singer/songwriter circles a few weeks ago.

Video appearances by:

Seth, Mr. Dude Yet to Be Named Man. Or, just Seth.
Wenderly’s handsome husband (on the left at the beginning). If you haven’t read her blog yet, you should! She can cook me under the table.
Seth’s two awesome brothers and their father.

Listen to the studio version of this song and hear the rest of Seth’s music here.

P.S.

And I know I’m on a blogging rampage today. I have actually had a few free moments, a taste of Spring air and some awesome coffee. Also, lots of inspiration.

Pinterest Rocks

mssinglemama — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 12:06:59 +0000

Follow my Single Mom boards on Pinterest

NOTE: I just discovered Pinterest and will be adding to these as I go. But we can file away everything we find that inspires us, motivates us or pushes our fashion senses. Just click on the links to follow my boards or follow me to find everything I pin.

Single Mom Blogs Board
I have a running list of single mom blogs on this board, the best of the best and those who are still writing. So many of the single mom bloggers I used to know are off and married now. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

Single Mom Inspiratio n Board
I will put everything here that inspires me in hopes that it will inspire you or lift your spirits.

Sexy Mama Fashion Board
Fashion is so important to single moms, as many of us are re-inventing or re-discovering ourselves. I, personally, buy one or two staple pieces a season and find everything else in thrift stores. But I love what I find on Pinterest because it inspires how I throw it all together. Lots of layering, accessories and too many shoes.

I have lots of boards, you can find them all and follow whatever. Just wanted to share! Totally addicted already and love the way you can file and organize all of your favorite things.

From the feet of babes.

mssinglemama — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 22:46:03 +0000

A contest is on the other side.

I met a man yesterday who, in spite of his age, likely knows more about Internet marketing than your company’s marketing director or CEO. Definitely more than your CEO. His grandmother started their family business, American Bronzing, by going door to door in Cleveland during the Depression-era to sell bronzed baby shoes. Now they have it down to a science.

And the result is pretty cool.

Bronzed baby shoes were “all the rage” in the 1940′s and 1950′s but have since slipped away from our public consciousness. But Bob Kaynes is bound and determined to bring bronzing back.

When I suggested that my generation could be completely and absolutely disinterested in bronzed baby shoes he was equally as curious. When I told him I had a “Mommy blog” he about jumped out of his seat. And so, I promised to do something I don’t normally do… I promised to ask you for your true and honest opinion about a product.

And you have to be honest! This is market research, Mamas. (For the record, I know nothing about market research. I like, Bob, just know if something gets clicks or if it dies a slow Internet death)

So…answer this question for a chance to win:

Do you want a pair of bronzed baby shoes?

What about a bronzed anything? He can bronze anything. Or, how could bronze baby shoes be “cool” or make their way back into family tradition? Any ideas?

And here is a picture of Bob and some shoes. You can surf his site and all of the bronzing prices by clicking here.

Thanks to the Columbus Dispatch for the photo.

Leave a comment for a chance to win a gift certificate to bronze your own babe’s shoes.

Kissing in front of the kids (gasp).

mssinglemama — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 16:17:25 +0000

I know I will get blasted for this one. But, whatever, bring on the hate. This is reality, this is love and this is modern parenthood. We both put our children first and care about them more than anything in the world. What’s the most amazing of all is how much we have all fallen in love with each other.

————

One of our hugs leads to a kiss.

When we open our eyes all three are staring up at us. Their heads tilted upwards and smiles spread across their faces. All of them, beaming the purest form of happiness. Collectively they look like a little cheering section for love.

I can’t grab a camera this moment will be over in a second. I just have to take it all in, studying their faces, studying his, little hands cover little mouths as they stifle giggles, “Look, they are kissing! Look!!! Heee heee.”

I’m not even surprised that we are all here because it feels like it’s been waiting for us all along.

It’s the first time they’ve actually seen us kissing. They are also seeing, for the first time, their parents absolutely and totally in love, and the beginning of a happy and fulfilling relationship.We smile and then stop and split up our hug to get back to our hide and seek game.

Later in the car, he says, “Do you know how amazing it is that our kids will get to see a relationship from the start?”

“You’re right! They’ll get to see everything.”

“Yep, the good, the bad and the awesome,” he says smiling.

“They’ll be awesome at dating.” I rest my head back in the seat, closing my eyes for a minute to imagine all three of them as adults with very realistic views about relationships. Or hoping, I suppose. But they’re off to a good start.

What makes a healthy and positive relationship for your children to witness:

Love, yes, but that’s just the start.
Healthy communication. Let them hear you work through dilemmas with your partner. Little dilemmas, like where to put the new fish tank the nanny bought. Let them hear you laughing and enjoying each other. Let them see you expressing physical expression – but only if they are comfortable with that, which leads to #3
Allow and ask the children to share their opinion. A great way to do this if they are young (like ours – who are 5, 5 and 7) – is asking them to draw pictures of what makes them sad, happy, angry or mad. Also, you can ask them to write their feelings in a journal. The point is to let them express themselves freely without judgement or sadness expressed from you. You are the parent, it is your job to comfort, soothe, listen and embrace whatever it is they need to say. How you respond to their feelings is up to you – but, I would do whatever it would take to make sure you are in fact, responding. Even if that means ending the relationship. This isn’t about you, it’s about them. First and foremost, and always. Also, if your boyfriend reacts negatively to any expression of feelings from your child that may be negative toward him or about an ex of yours, get rid of him.
No shouting, screaming, yelling or fighting between parents or partners. This should go without saying, but I’m saying it anyway – to make sure you know that’s not okay (even if your parents did it).
No abuse of any kind. None. Never, ever, ever, no matter what. Another one that should go without saying, but unfortunately some of us are involved in relationships that include: physical abuse, drug abuse, or emotional abuse. When you are dating someone – find out if they have any drug, physical or emotional abuse issues in their past before you become involved. Ask them “So, are you open to therapy?” I hear so many times about men who would never go to a therapist if their life depended on it. Drop them like flies, especially if they have issues. And do it before you become attached. When you are in an abusive relationship, your child will be a victim as well.
Don’t hop back and forth between boyfriends. An ex is an ex is an ex. Leave him in ex-land. I learned this the hard way last year with John. By rekindling our relationship last year, it confused Benjamin. Now he still thinks that the Mr. will be leaving one day. It’s heartbreaking that my son has baggage due to my baggage, that I wasn’t strong enough to just let that relationship end when it had.
Never forget that the children are in the relationship, too. A relationship between adults shouldn’t feel forced and a relationship between children and a potential step parent shouldn’t feel forced either. For all five of us, everything is as natural as can be. We also have very similar parenting styles, which makes it a lot easier. And again, we are incredibly respectful and conscious of the children and their emotions about it all.
Watch the kids. Are they acting out in school? Are they just saying they are happy, or are they really happy? A child just wants you to be happy and could put on a happy face while inside they are not. Look to behavior for hints of their true emotions.

Like you, your children will know when you find the right one–when you find the best kind of love. They’ll know it’s worth every minute of everything that came before, but protecting them from as much of that pain as possible is a must.

Do you have any opinions about the above? I know some of you will and I encourage you to share them.

New year. New job?

mssinglemama — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 21:06:55 +0000

Three years ago this May I quit my day job.

Some of you called me crazy, but most of you were cheering me on. I was “crazy” I guess. I left a solid career at a solid advertising agency during a recession to chase a dream of working for myself. Why? Because I was tired of trying to fit their rigid, corporate structure – and all of the bull that comes with it – into my life as a single mother. Try explaining 9-5 to a two year old who needs you more than anything in the world. And try explaining to a typical boss that motherhood is more important than their bottom line.

There was also the memory of my first boss and mentor walking out of our radio newsroom with a pile of boxes in his hands after he had been fired (for no good reason at all).

“Remember,” he said, “this is what they do to you after 16 years.” Watching him being forced to leave something he loved because he didn’t follow their rules was the most valuable lesson he every taught me.

There was also writing on the wall at my ad agency. They were trying to “accommodate” all of this “digital stuff.” Clearly they were missing the boat entirely and I was on their boat. It was the perfect time for me to break out on my own and seize an opportunity to offer my own clients what they clearly could not. Cement Marketing is the result. I work just as hard, but on my own schedule.

Even though I had a) motivation and b) a goal and a plan – it was still the most frightening thing I’d ever done (next to leaving my ex husband with a four month old). Funny how “leaving” things or “quitting” things that aren’t good for you can feel so right, isn’t it?

So many of you have asked me over the years to write about starting your own business as a single mom. I didn’t even know where to start… it would require another blog entirely. So, I turned to Jennifer Foss, aka Job Jenny. We met when we were both new single mom bloggers. Today, her website is bursting with resources and she’ll even help you re-design your resume and advise you on what career path you should choose.

I asked her to write about finding a new job in the new year…Limits Shmimits: On how I turned a potential disaster into a fresh career (and life) start.

By Jenny Foss
About eight years ago, I was enticed. Not by a man, mind you. Nope, I was enticed to make a fairly dramatic career shift  from corporate communications director to (drum roll…) recruiter.

That’s right. In late 2004, after many months of unrest and unfulfillment in a safe, well-paying corporate management role, I ditched to go learn how to be a headhunter, effectively cutting my base salary by about 2/3rds.

Yes, many questioned my sanity. Of course they did.

But I found it exhilarating. And frankly? Not very dangerous. At that time, I was a single working professional. No kids, not a lot of gun-to-your-head financial responsibility. What could possibly go wrong, right?

The answer to that smacked me in the head in the spring of 2005. Just as I began to get traction in my new (and demanding) profession, I found out that I was (quite unexpectedly) expecting. My long-term partner was stunned as well, to say the least.

I’ll spare everyone the agony of how the next several months unfolded, but the net result was my becoming a single mom in late 2005.

Here’s where the potential disaster comes in.

While I loved the field of recruiting, it was admittedly grueling keeping up with the demands of a recruiting agency, learning to be a mom AND performing to a level that kept a baby happy and commission checks rolling in the door.

Simply put, it sucked.

I’d come home from work in tears because I felt like I was doing everything half-assed, and getting nowhere in the process. I wanted to excel at both parenting and in my career, and I was floundering at both.

And this is when I realized I had but once choice: Reinvent, again.

This time, the reinvention didn’t involve a change in my chosen field, but it certainly was a big gamble: I decided to launch my own recruiting agency. Right there in the middle of my financial strain, emotional upheaval and uncertainly over how the hell to be a mom, I decided to launch a business.

Why?

I knew I’d lose my mind trying to be a great parent while keeping up with the demands of 9-5 employment.
I was hell-bent on earning an income that didn’t just keep our family afloat, but allowed us to THRIVE.
I wanted my daughter to be proud of her mom.
I’d just weathered an incredibly difficult life event, and needed to prove to myself I could do something amazing.

And so in late 2005, I announced my resignation from the “day job,” took out a loan that would keep us going for a few months, and I launched Ladder Recruiting Group, LLC.

And then I ran like hell. After three terrifying months, I closed my first deal, and never looked back.

In the five years that have followed:

I’ve met and married the most wonderful (and unlikely – he lived 2,800 miles away when I met him) man. (This, btw, I have Ms. Single Mama to thank for, but that’s an ENTIRELY different tale for another day);
I’ve launched a career coaching and resume writing business/blog (which you’ll find over at JobJenny.com); and
I’ve become really damned good at being both a mom and an entrepreneur (Most of the time. I screw it all up some days, I do.)

And so the moral of this story? I have four:

Don’t let life’s curveballs scare you into believing you can’t do big, daring things.
Show yourself, show your children, show the world what you’re made of.
Even small victories can give you momentum and audacity to pull off bigger wins. And,
Costco chicken pot pie and a bagged Caesar salad totally counts as a home-cooked dinner.

Go big in 2012, single mamas. You’ve got everything it takes to make this your year.

Jenny Foss operates an independent recruiting firm, Ladder Recruiting Group, and is creator of the blog JobJenny.com. Your job search BFF and tough love expert on finding career passion, Jenny is also the author of To Whom It May Concern: Or, How to Stop Sucking at Your Job Search. You may Jenny on Twitter @JobJenny.

And then there were three…

mssinglemama — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 02:11:19 +0000

And I absolutely love them all.

The Mr. and I were talking today about blending families. From our initial digging on Amazon, it doesn’t look like there are very many books on the subject for modern single parents.

Any others out there becoming step-parents or blending families with young children? Tips or advice? Or what questions do you have about it all? Let’s start the discussion here… and see where it takes us. I’m thinking another Website entirely could be in order. Maybe with both his and my perspectives?

On the other side…

mssinglemama — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 00:29:47 +0000

It is our second date.

Our first date after our coffee date. So, in my mind, this is our first real date. I am wearing my favorite gray Calvin Klein dress. It’s just short enough, but not too short and hits mid thigh. To keep off the Fall chill I’m wearing my light brown suede jacket and–because I can–my pre-Benjamin stiletto booties.

I am proud of myself for picking out an outfit so quickly, considering how daunting it had been to get dressed before the coffee date.

He texts me that he is parked around the corner, behind the bushes, where I know Benjamin can’t spot him. I kiss Benjamin good-bye, wish the sitter good luck and dash out the door. Per the sound and logical advice of my girlfriends, we have waited four days to see each other again. But, it has felt like weeks. Typically four days would be nothing for me, a splash in the water, nothing. But on each night we’ve spend hours on the phone talking and each night, I’ve woken up at 3:00 or 4:00 AM wide awake with anticipation.

“This is nuts,” I tell myself every morning when I wake up, not even tired.

“This is crazy, isn’t is?” says Meg Ryan.

“No, that’s what’s so crazy about it,” says Rosie.

That line from Sleepless in Seattle makes sense now and every obnoxious jilted love song on the radio doesn’t. What are those people even wasting their time on? It should just make sense from the start and always.

One night I tell him, “I haven’t talked to a boy on the phone for this long since middle school.”

He laughs. I love his laugh and notice that I can produce it easily. But then I wonder, does he talk to all of the girls this much? When I ask him this he pauses, taken aback, and says, “No. I don’t talk to all of the girls this much.”

Suddenly, I feel ashamed for asking in such an accusatory way and realize that was my baggage speaking for me. I make a mental note and in the future, when the time is right, I apologize to him. His response is completely accepting, “Sweetheart, that’s okay – you have every right to be cautious, you’ve been hurt before. You don’t owe me any apologies.” He accepts me, baggage and all.

In this moment as I’m walking and not trying to run, as I’m trying to look cool and calm and not utterly petrified as I turn the corner into the bushes, I try to forget about my baggage. When I see his face, it all melts away. My nerves, my anxiety. The only thing left is a peaceful contentment.

“Hi,” he says with a smile before he scoops me up into a hug, “How are you?”

“Better now,” I say.

He pulls the door open for me. I thank him quietly, feeling awkward, as I always have when men show me chivalry. When we start driving I look down at my hands and they’re shaking in my lap. The nerves are back.

“I’m sorry,” I say, “but I’m so nervous right now. I go out on a lot of dates. This is not like me, at all.”

“Me, too!” he says, “I’ve been totally nervous all day. And no, I’m not normally like this with all the girls.”

We laugh and then I snap my head into the back seat. Something has caught my eye. Something pink. With a full view, I see it’s the pink arm of a car booster seat. And then I see the other blue seat on the other side. Two car seats. Empty, of course, but I can imagine them there while he’s driving. Their awesome dad with his great big smile and his great big laugh and his great big heart.

Finally on the other side of the dating single parent spectrum, I blurt out, “Now, that is hot.”

He laughs again and I say, “No, really, you have no idea.”

“Oh, I definitely do.”

—–

On another night three months later, we were still laughing just like we were on that first, second date… and taking goofy pictures.

My caption for this one is “My big, giant New Year’s gnome.”

Still haven’t decided on a name for him, but your feedback is simmering and baking. Thank you for that and for sticking with my totally boring blog, as it has become a love nest. But, hooray for love and damn the torpedoes.

What is your single mom manifesto?

mssinglemama — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 13:48:56 +0000

Remember the single mom manifesto project?

I sent three of these out to over 150 of you and not one as returned.

I’m so sad about that, but I understand knowing that we are all busy and it seemed like a far fetch that we could pull it off. Or maybe they were lost in the mail…

Either way, I am still in love with the idea of gathering all of your declarations of your principles, the foundations you hold dear as a single mother – and then making them public. Sharing your story for others. What drives you? What guides you? The manifesto is all about you and what you believe.

The definition of Manifesto from Wikipedia – a manifesto is a public declaration of principles and intentions, often political in nature. Manifestos relating to religious belief are generally referred to as creeds. Manifestos may also be life stance-related.

I wrote mine in the books and sent it off. I had photos and everything. If you want to contribute your manifesto… write yours, scan it digitally (you can use the Pro Scanner app on your smart phone) and then upload it to my Facebook page as a photo – if you prefer to be more anonymous – email yours to mssinglemama@gmail.com with the subject line MANIFESTO. Everyone who submits one will then receive a password for a FREE Ms. Single Mama Uncensored eBook!

Sound good? Leave comments with questions if you have any. And Merry Christmas!!! Love you my Mamas.

On healing a broken heart.

mssinglemama — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 14:29:03 +0000

The auditorium is full. We have all been called here for a special event, an hour assembly featuring a guest speaker.

A woman walked onto the stage with a man. The two were here to tell us about sex, or I should say – to tell us why we shouldn’t have sex. After the man showed us a photo of an aborted fetus the woman took another tact. She wanted to talk about what sex does to your heart.

“Let me tell you about a girl named Sally,” she said. “This here in my hands,” she holds up a giant red heart cut out of construction paper, “this is Sally’s heart. And one day Sally decides to have sex with Dave and then a piece of her heart is ripped and broken.”

She rips off a piece of the heart.

She keeps going through Sally’s sexual history until there is nothing left except for a tiny scrap of paper in her hands.

“And after all of them, this is all Sally had left. Because every time you have sex with someone, they take a piece of your heart and you will never have it back.”

We all filed out of the auditorium to our respective classrooms where we were then expected to then concentrate on our teacher and our classwork.

The woman’s illustration has never left me. And every time another relationship of mine ended I thought of her, up on the stage, laughing at me – pointing and saying, “I told you so.”

And for years I thought she was right. But now I’ve realized that she was only partially right.

Yes, my heart has been broken apart into a million pieces. Shattered entirely in fact. And not just once, but several times in my life. Most recently, last Christmas. It’s been coming back in waves, memories hitting me. The shock afterwards, the days when I couldn’t even stand without shaking. Everything was perfectly fine and then it wasn’t. He was there and then he wasn’t.

But afterwards my heart started healing.

That’s the part the woman on the stage didn’t tell us that day. That we each have the power within to heal ourselves and our hearts. And eventually, even the scars begin to fade away.

It’s hard to carry. It is. The baggage of past relationships come with you into the new. But fortunately, I can talk about it all with him. Every detail, every hurt. He does the same and by talking about it we are honest with each other and what we are bringing with us. In that way, we can help each other to heal.

And right now, my heart is beaming.

My apologies to NYC.

mssinglemama — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 23:27:10 +0000

I have an apology to make to New York City.

I am sorry for doubting you and jumping to conclusions after my last visit.

I’m not sure what happened, maybe it was the hot weather (100+) and the wrong neighborhood choice (Times Square), but this time I had a completely different experience. We were in Greenpoint, a Polish neighborhood in Brooklyn, where my sister, Anna, and her husband, Ryan, are living until he finishes law school.

The first night Benjamin woke up and started puking. He had the flu, most certainly and unavoidably. And there we all were the next day, on Thanksgiving, staring at each other and wondering in horror when we would all start doing the same. That got old after the first hour so we proceeded as planned and Anna and Ryan made a delicious Thanksgiving Feast.

On Friday morning, having managed to keep it all down, we woke up thinking we had narrowly avoided Benjamin’s flu and we headed ou to Union Square.

We handed the camera to Benjamin in the subway and he took this one of us… (I LOVE it).

Things were going well at that point. But as soon as we got there, the man who has yet to be named (vote on his nickname at the end of the post) started feeling it.

You can see the pain in his face in this picture. Trying. To. Hold. On.

In the meantime, Anna and I kept playing with Benjamin. With one down, we knew we couldn’t be far off. We should have quarantined ourselves, I know. You are all going to yell at me when you see us out in public, poisoning the air of New York City.

But at the time, we felt fine.

And you know that big shiny thing is covered with everyone’s germs anyway. Because who can really stay cramped up in those teeny, tiny little NYC apartments for very long? Definitely not this guy.

But after the slide… Mr. Yet to Be Named retreated back to the apartment with Benjamin, who still wasn’t 100%.

Being a dad himself means he is completely and absolutely awesome at the kid stuff. So, Anna and I stayed back for some shopping and some one-on-one sister time.

She took me to all of her favorite places. And we imagined what it would be like to actually live in the same city. One day. Not yet, but one day. Or at least, the same nursing home. If we don’t end up together again some day I won’t consider my life complete.

Because she’s my sister soul mate.

We spent a lot of time talking about the ironies of relationships past and the joys of relationships present and how, clearly, I should be fired from writing a blog about relationships. You all know why, she knows why, I know why – because I so adamantly insisted everyone should settle and persuaded myself that John was it for me.

“Don’t say that!” I said. “I shouldn’t be fired, it’s my blog. I can’t fire myself from writing about my life.”

“You’re right. It’s your blog,” she added, “and you’ve always said that. You’ve always said that you’re just writing about your experiences, not anyone else’s. And it’s your perspective.”

After a few more hours of shopping Anna and I started feeling it.

We had received word from the apartment that both Ryan and Mr. ? were officially losing it from all exits. We grabbed some Gatorade, Pepto and went home, dreading our impending doom. And sure enough, with a mother’s timing, it hit me just minutes after I tucked Benjamin into bed.

But at least the little shit was happy the entire time.

And in the midst of it all, Mr ? did not complain, not once. We all just took it and still managed to have fun – because we were with each other. And for that, I was incredibly thankful. But again, it appears, NYC and I have an ill-fated relationship. We’ll be back again, soon enough… in the meantime, what should my man’s name be? See pictures of him (when he’s not about to puke) here in my latest photo album.

So, let’s name him.

Leave a comment with your idea or if you like any of these, say so in the comments. Here are my favorites:

1. The Dude – because he is the dude. He is a singer/songwriter, rides a Harley, is tall, dark and handsome and all kinds of sexy, but at the same time he is absolutely gentle, sweet and kind.

2. Mr. Single Dad

3. TDH (for Tall, Dark and Handsome)

4. Mr. Mr. (I don’t know why, but I like this one)

I have thought of all of the cliche names like Mr. Right, Mr. Prince Charming, but they just don’t fit.

As always, I have total veto power because it’s my blog. Muh-ha-ha-ha… but haven’t decided on any of these yet. So fire away.