Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama

My view.

mssinglemama — Wed, 16 May 2012 12:34:26 +0000

I am the luckiest girl alive for so many reasons.

There were days I thought I would never, ever crawl out of my cave of uncertainty (if you need to catch up, become a Facebook fan and have a free eBook of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored). And now, although still uncertain about so many things, I am certain about the most important of them all:

1) My family. My husband. The children. My loves. All will be well, even in the moments of frustration, this is obvious.
2) My work. My team. The big ideas. And most of all, our awesome clients.
3) The office. The cherry on the sundae. The Cement Marketing space is real, with materials hand picked by Mom (the designer at heart). Some are old, some are new. All tell a story. We would rather be comfortable than all else… we don’t have a tolerance for frivolous things.

I can credit it to timing and hours upon hours of hard work, but as far as this view is concerned–this view took about two minutes after I realized all I had to do was turn my desk around.

How do I have my own business? Well, I’m partially nuts. There’s that. And I love what I do. It all started three years ago this week when I gave notice at my day job. Remember that?

P.S.

The Cement Marketing office is currently being featured on The Metropreneur. Read about the space and see more pictures.

Happy Single Mother’s Day.

mssinglemama — Sun, 13 May 2012 14:42:19 +0000

A video love note to all of you… my sisters in arms, my single mothers, my modern day super women – you are truly remarkable, don’t forget that.

The Honeymooners

mssinglemama — Wed, 02 May 2012 16:46:43 +0000

“What do people without children do on the weekends?” Seth asks. His legs are extending over the ottoman.

“I have no idea.”

It’s been one week since our spontaneous back yard wedding and we still have the honeymoon glow. We’re both so happy, in spite of a few external forces that have presented themselves–a change in the team at Cement, a shift in employment for Seth. But now here we are with an entire weekend free from the kids, from work, from any obligations whatsoever.

And here’s what we did. Rather than going out to breakfast at Skillet or North Star (our two favorite spots), we chose to stay in and make some of our own. I made this hash with potatoes (boil them for 10 minutes first), bacon, sausage, canned fire roasted red peppers from Trader Joe’s, onions and garlic,.

We were both in absolute heaven.

And believe me, it tasted even better than it looks.

Yum. Then, after breakfast, we relaxed. It was a rainy day and we decided to spend most of it watching Mad Men and drinking whiskey. Saturday night we spent with friends and ended up back in our living room writing songs until the early morning hours. On Sunday, the weather was perfect. So, I set to gardening – a massive job, as evidenced by my wedding pictures – and Seth went to work in the garage, where he has set up a leather workshop.

He came home one day with a raw cow hide and a bunch of tools and said, “this is for a bag.” And now, it’s starting to take shape and am in awe watching it unfold.

That’s the front of a briefcase. The cuff looks like this.

We’ll be posting them to Etsy soon, of if you are interested in buying one for your man, just email me and we can arrange something. Then, for dinner, it was Seth’s turn to cook. He went with ribs and some homemade sauce.

I would share the recipe but it was so delicious, we are plotting now on bottling it for the masses or at the very least, for a ribs and taco truck we’ve been dreaming about. Archer even had some… he’s now been completely trained to be leash-free.

Things are truly awesome in happy honeymooner land. Both of us have found our life partners in each other, our best friends, and our co-parents. When I talk about our relationship to some of my single girlfriends the reactions vary. There are those who are shocked and filled with doubt, others who are inspired, those who look at their own relationship and see the same, and those who shrug it off as if Seth and I won the lottery in finding each other with a “it will never happen to me” attitude.

Where do you fall?

If you are in the “it will never happen to me” camp, I can say with certainty, that it won’t. You are your own self-fulfilling prophecy. In the months leading up to meeting Seth, I had opened my heart again and believed, truly, that I would meet him someday. My symptoms included lots of Lifetime TV movie watching and an announcement to my single girlfriends at dinner one night that I knew exactly what I wanted, and that I wouldn’t settle for anyone less so. I remember their faces, I was determined and I tried to describe him – he’s passionate about life, he’s active, he’s a father, he’s a man with a tender heart, he’s incredibly intelligent and incredibly kind.

He is my partner and I will find him. And I won’t settle for anything less.

Say it out loud. Try it. See if it comes true…

A letter to my future husband.

When we aren’t getting married…

mssinglemama — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 01:59:31 +0000

So, tonight at dinner the kids actually suggested we have “another wedding.” They all thought it was hysterical. “Let’s do it again!” But as Lily quickly pointed out that would be “impossible, clearly.”

When we aren’t getting married in our back yard, we are busy occupying all three of the little Gremlins. It’s hard. I’m not going to lie. Three children, ages 5, 6 and 7. On some days I just want to hide in the closet. But on other days (most of them) I just soak it all in and let it ride, enjoying the moments we have together. Some day, these days will be a distant memory, and I’m sure I’ll want them back.

In spite of being outnumbered, Seth and I manage it all quite well (I think). We help each other, tagging each other in and out when the other is about to lose it. We also have our set routines and take turns on chores. For both of us, former single parents, this is cake.

“So, this is what it’s like,” we often say to each other, “to have a partner.”

A few weekends ago we partnered up to take the kids to the Arena District for a little adventure (survival tactic). The pictures and details are in a post here.

Just married!

mssinglemama — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 22:00:32 +0000

And in which, our little cupids plan the entire thing.

This Saturday, between soccer games and a birthday party for the boys, the kids asked us the same question they ask us every day, “When are you guys going to get married?”

Seth, Lily and Cohen moved in one month ago. It felt right. It is right. And there’s no question that this is where all five us are supposed to be–with each other.

“September,” Seth and I answered.

We had it all planned out. A Court House wedding, then a ride on Seth’s bike to Athens for a party at Jackie O’s or Smiling Skull. Jackie O’s for the fresh, brewed beer and Smiling Skull its perfect imperfections.

“Why do we have to wait that long?” One of them asked quietly. I turn my head and look into the back seat where I see three pairs of eyes staring at me quizzically. They don’t understand and why should they? Us adults make no sense most of the time. We love each other, we want to be married – so why aren’t we? The children had all, in their own ways, expressed fears that Seth and I would break up. Like he and their mother did. Like John and I did. Children, as it turns out, have baggage, too. So, to rid them of their baggage, I proposed an idea.

“Let’s have a pretend wedding this weekend! We can do it in the backyard. And then we’ll be married!”

“But you won’t really be married, will you?” They asked.

“Well, why not? If we say we’re married then that’s all that matters.”

Seth loved the idea. The kids agreed and started clapping and bouncing out of their seats. Seth and I exchanged smiles and he squeezed my hand. Feeling like we’ve been married since the moment we met, knowing with everything that we are meant to be, the wedding itself – whenever it happened- would be a mere formality.

On Sunday the kids woke up with the pretend (but to them real) wedding on their minds. Lily’s cousin has spent the night and the two girls were antsy to start planning. The girls and the boys had crowded around me, demanding to know what their roles would be.

And so it began…

“Can we be the flower girls?” asked the girls.

“Yes! Of course,” I said.

“Can we be the ring boys?” asked Benjamin and Cohen.

“Yep.”

“Who will marry you though?” asked Lily. Far from the average seven-year-old she is the smartest most beautiful little girl I’ve ever known. Her spirit is uncrushable and her determination, in this case to have a wedding, is equally so.

“Benjamin could marry us,” I suggested. And then, cued by his clear ‘no’ face, “Or, Lily, you could because you can read. We can write the lines out.”

Lily was also completely disinterested.

“My Mom could do it,” Seth chimed in with a smile. His mother is a pastor and an officiant of the state or whatever. “But,” he paused, “If she does it, it will be real.”

“Oh, right.”

We both shrug. When there are four children around it’s hard to think or plan anything, and we typically survive by planning out a big activity for the day. In this case, a wedding.

“I’ll text her.”

“Does this mean it will be real or fake?” The children asked again.

“Well, we’re not sure. I guess we’ll just have to see.”

I gave the girls some streamers, some baskets and pointed them to the art room. Then Seth and I headed upstairs to clean our room. We’d been putting it off, getting the rest of the house in order after the move. But today while the kids were busy we decided to tackle my mountain of misplaced clothes and a monstrous basket of unmatched socks.

Sometime in the afternoon Seth’s Mom texted that, yes, she would love to come for our imaginary wedding and would be there at 5:30 PM.

By 5:00 PM, Lily was all dressed up in a beautiful Easter dress and I was still in my scrubby cleaning clothes. Deciding I better get dressed, Lilly and I start hunting through the closet. She picked a short white t-shirt dress first, which I quickly vetoed based on the length. Too short. Instead I proposed a fluffy purple skirt and a white top. She shook her head, “Nope, that’s not it.”

Then we spotted my red dress. I’ve had it for at least 10 years, but I’ve never worn it. Instead, because it’s so beautiful, I’ve had it hanging in my room. It’s just the perfect red, the most beautiful raw silk and it looks so cool on a hanger. I had tried to wear it out several times. But each time it just didn’t fit quite right. I dress with my mood and the dress had never made the cut. But today, with Lily there beside me, it fits. Perfectly.

“Rings, Alaina, we need rings!” Lily dutifully points out. It’s now 5:15.

Oh yeah, shoot. Rings. I hand her one I had found in a jewelry box while cleaning the day before. I had no idea where it came from, but it was a tiny, little gold band. After Lily ran downstairs to deliver the goods and make her final preparations to the decorations, I decided it might be a good idea to do my make up. Downstairs Seth was waiting and had picked out a ring of his own, a ring he bought when he was 17 from a street vendor during a trip to Jerusalem.

At some point around this time, maybe as I put on the dress, it turned into a real wedding. We didn’t discuss it. It just happened and it was magical.

When Seth’s mother, Dale Ann arrived I could hear the excitement in her voice. This was definitely a much better option than the Court House. She, Seth and his Dad started calling in the troops–all of Seth’s brothers and sisters. I texted my friend, Monica, who had promised me months ago she would be a bridesmaid,”I think Seth and I are getting married in the back yard in 20 minutes. Can you get here?”

Twenty minutes later they were all there. Seth’s brother Ben, who had received his text while mowing the lawn, had managed to get some champagne on the way

and their brother, Nathanael with his beautiful wife Sara and their beautiful sweet peas.

Monica had miraculously checked her cell phone while riding her scooter on High Street and also made it just in time. Seth’s siblings from Chicago and California were online via a Google Hangout. Dale Ann entertained them with a virtual tour of the house. It was literally a surprise real wedding for everyone involved, even us.

Note the plucked flowers. We’ll get to that.

Dale Ann had brought a not-so-pretend wedding cake, gluten-free (for me) and sugar-free (for Benjamin). Our little wedding planners helped her find a topper. And yes, that’s toilet paper on the bride.

The flowers on the cake are from a bunch of wild flowers we had picked up at the grocery that week.

The flower girl petals came from the rest of them.

Lily, of course, had the bouquet covered.

The boys were waiting patiently.

And with all of those pieces and parts in place, the ceremony began. That’s Lily’s cousin leading and Lily behind.

I just want to pause for a second to point out my nasty, nasty yard. Had I even thought I would have guests and a real wedding I would have perhaps cleaned up the pile of sticks or shut the shed door. Or, weeded the bricks. And another side note, the reason my yard looks like that is because I spend every weekend cleaning the inside of the house.

See?

Clean house.

Okay. Back to my unkempt yard and my perfectly perfect wedding.

My bridesmaids went first. La dee da.

And then moi.

No one missed a beat. Grandpa Gary, the meticulous Architect, made sure of that.

And then Benjamin walked me the rest of the way to my soon to be husband. The most beautiful, amazing man in the universe.

We’re not religious so Dale Ann delivered a non-denominational ceremony with prayers from various religions – Buddhism, Christianity and she even added a Native American prayer. And then we went ahead with our incredibly enjoyable formality.

Ben manned the video camera and fist pumps with some “Hell, yeahs!” at all of the right times.

Nathaneal took all of these amazing pictures.

Then the vows…

Then the candles…

Then the rings… or did they come before the candles? I can’t remember.

Then the kiss…

And finally the send off…

and more kisses

Then a toast.

A post party light saber, flower war.

And a very, very happy group of guests.

I’ll post more pictures when I can to the photo album.

xoxo

Wish you all could have been there, too. You were in my heart.

P.S. Our total wedding cost was $40 for the pizza we ordered after… hell, yeah! We’re still planning on a party in Athens in the Fall, but until then the children can sleep easy.

The three types of love.

mssinglemama — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 01:30:54 +0000

This is a must watch.

Helen Fisher’s TED talk will enlighten you on a few things including why we can feel love for two men at once. And, you must stick around until the end for her opinion on anti-depressants.

I really, really, really want to hear your opinion on this. Please leave them in the comments.

Where did my baby go?

mssinglemama — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 16:45:30 +0000

Look at him.

Can you believe how big he is? In his too short pants. Had to buy him new pants yesterday. He’s outgrown every single pair. I read a saying from another mom once that went something like this, “The days are slow, but the years are fast.”

And he is playing Angry Birds. Hence the angry face.

Also, Benjamin was labeled a “high energy” kid by his teachers in Kindergarten. After several consultations with the pros we found out that he does not have ADD, he has an intense sensitivity to sugar. I took all of the sugar out of his diet and – poof – the kid is a changed man. He still has his moments, but his teacher is astounded at the difference. We didn’t have a heavy sugar diet at all beforehand, but if you read labels on everything you’ll see there is sugar in so much of what we eat. It’s been over a month now and he’s totally on board. He doesn’t beg and throw fits for sugar. He just knows he feels better without it.

The book that led us to this revelation is here.

A gift for you.

mssinglemama — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 00:02:08 +0000

Years ago I poured my heart into an eBook meant to accompany this blog and to be the perfect primer for any new single moms starting to date. The result, Ms. Single Mama Uncensored, is over 100 pages of juicy post-divorce dating goodness. All of the secrets I could never publish here are there, in grueling play-by-play detail.

I spent two months straight writing it, but could have spent another two years. I discovered that there were stories within stories. And so many thoughts and ideas about dating as a single mom that I wanted to share. There is so much more to it than any one can imagine, isn’t there?

The book takes you through my first post-divorce relationship, my first hard core crush and then my first few relationships. And now, as a civic duty to single mamas everywhere – I want to give it to you all for free.

All you have to do is fan Ms. Single Mama on Facebook. Just click that button up there.

And winners of Job Jenny’s one hour of career consulting are:

Bella and Hannah F. (You’ve both been emailed. Congratulations!).

I don’t want a naked Cowboy.

mssinglemama — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 15:07:36 +0000

When we left for Texas Benjamin had a specific request – a cowboy doll and an Indian doll.

He described the dolls he had never really seen in great detail. They would be about 10 inches tall and they could move and shoot things. I put two and two together and realized later that he’d been inspired by the movie, the Indian and the Cupboard. Regardless, it seemed easy enough. Cowboy and Indian dolls had to exist.

Turns out, as Seth and I discovered after scouring every toy store in Austin, they don’t. In fact, even Amazon.com and the great wide Internets don’t have cowboy and Indian dolls. Fortunately, we found a doll store in San Antonio. The store owner quickly led us to Davy Crockett. Without any other option, we snapped him up thinking – “He was truly a cowboy and an Indian.” When I called Benjamin to tell him we’d scored a doll he asked, “Does he have a gun?”

“Yes.”

“Does it work?”

“No.”

“Ughhhh… why not?”

“Because he’s a toy, Benjamin.”

“Okay. Well, does he have clothes?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Because I don’t want a naked cowboy.”

Oh, he definitely has clothes. A coonskin cap, a tobacco pouch and gun powder thingy. I was skeptical at first. Would Benjamin go for an old doll from 1955? The doll is a character doll by Disney from the original Davy Crockett movie. And they just don’t make them like this anymore:

I thought Benjamin would think he was freaky, but he loves him to death and has completely embraced his awesomeness.

This is a pond, and forest for Davy to play in. There is an Indian campground to the right you can’t quite see.

Hurray for Davy Crockett and old toys that actually move. His hands bend, his legs and he sticks out like a sore thumb in Benjamin’s toy pile. But, as Seth discovered Davy was also made in China, all the way back in 1955, Disney was outsourcing jobs overseas. Crazy, right?

P.S.

Thought I would share a dreamy single dad with you (on a motorcyle). Eh-hem.

Benjamin and I have something in common, I suppose. We both wished for something – and against all odds, or hope that it existed – we found it!

xoxo

In Texas…

mssinglemama — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 03:52:54 +0000

I did not take nearly enough photographs. I was too busy enjoying … everything.

The SXSW Interactive Festival was a mad house. Too busy. Too big. Yes. But, still, the spirit of SXSWi lives on in that every one there is a part of something greater, coming together to celebrate another year of doing what we all love – creating interactive experiences, whether they be online, offline, in a game or on Facebook. The creative energy is just astounding and it was a remarkable experience to just be there. But, I ended up skipping most of the panels and just hanging out with my man.

And can you blame me?

Eh-hem. Anywhooo…

Seth used to live in San Antonio, not too far down the road from Austin. And, as some of my long time readers know, I used to live in Fort Worth, not too far up the road from Austin. But we are both from Columbus. So, what happens when you get two single parents child-free and in their favorite state next to their home state?

Well, there definitely wasn’t a shortage of beer.

And iPhones. Which we used to constantly check up on all of the SXSW parties we couldn’t get into. In case you were wondering how to drink a beer and plan an entire evening… watch the master.

Type.

Swig.

Type.

Take another drink.

Stop.

Take a picture of your girlfriend (who has, by the way, given up all hope of actually getting into any parties and as a result is feeling completely old and uncool).

Repeat. All while maintaining conversation with said girlfriend.

I am constantly amazed by Seth’s ability to maintain optimism, peace and calm against all odds. His texting/tweeting spree there landed us invites to a handful of awesome parties, just enough to make me feel cool again.

I was feeling especially uncool because the night before I had a run-in with a guy named David Armano. He only has about 42,000 Twitter followers. I, thanks to my friend Don Julio, approached him in a bar to let him know that his mobile Website stunk. I thought I was doing him a favor. After all, how could the Vice President of “Fill in Self-Inflating Title Here” not be aware of the fact that his mobile site needed some work? I thought it would be a good conversation starter.

Instead he reacted very defensively and then demanded rudely to know,”who are you and what have you done?”

Ugh.

How do you answer even that question?

What have you done?

I didn’t answer, knowing he would measure my life accomplishments by my job title, the company I work for (own) or the number of Twitter followers I have. Needless to say, the conversation didn’t end well. I told him my mobile site for Cement Marketing is equally as awful as Edelman’s. But, I pointed out, the difference between you and I – Mr. Armano – is that I can admit mine sucks. You can find David on his blog here.

When I walked away, shamed and humiliated by this mean little man with a flower in his hair, Seth was there. He thought it was hilarious, of course, and managed to make me feel completely better. How does he do that? I have no idea. Maybe it’s his smile. He smiles from the inside. No, he beams.

Seth and I decided on day three in Austin that it was high time to rent a motorcycle. Or, I should say – Seth decided.

I have to admit, I love riding with him. It’s totally frightening, but I am equally as frightened every time I get in a car, on a bus or on a plane. Putting yourself onto a moving vehicle of any kind is dangerous. But on a bike, it’s dangerous and more fun. I have a feeling it won’t be long before I’ll be very bored of the passenger seat and itching for one of my own.

We parked the bike in front of the Continental Club

and then parked our butts on a bench to be second in line for James McMurtry.

The wait was worth sitting this close to one of the greatest songwriters in Texas. Listen to this one.

Everywhere we went, we stumbled into amazing little Austin bars and even better bands. Like Wildflowers. Two absolutely lovely, beautiful friends of Seth’s who we are hoping we can coerce to make the trip up this way some day. And then Reckless Kelly…

Here’s a song by them for single moms everywhere. “You were raised with your head held high, but anyone can see it’s just a clever disguise… you’ve always been a little scared to open your heart because you’re always scared of getting taken for a ride.”

Yep. I’d say. Until, of course, you learn to love yourself again.

How can you learn to love yourself again? Start by finding a passion. Find something else to love – not a man – a something. A blog. A hobby. An activity. A city. Travel! Join a yoga class. Volunteer. Anything. Learn to love again… it’s worth making it to the other side. I promise you that.

P.S.

Will announce Job Jenny winners soon… thanks to everyone who left a comment. You’re all remarkable.