In the last few days, I have received hundreds and hundreds of e-mails, comments, tweets, Facebook notes. All of you sending me off with the kindest words and thoughts…

Reading your stories, how far you have come or how you are just beginning in your journeys – whatever they may be – has left me a bit speechless. What do I say? What words can I offer up that at all let you know how I feel about each and every one of you? There aren’t any.

But there are your words…

I decided to publish this letter in particular because I think it captures, in so many ways, the reason why I blogged for all of these years. We are all really, truly on an path that is intertwined. You know that, right? This letter makes the case.Read it and weep (I did).

Dear Ms. Single Mama,

Two weeks ago I picked up an engagement ring from the jewelers, and as I drove home I thought of all the things I needed to do leading up to proposing to my lady: first I needed to figure out exactly how I was going to do it, second I needed to pick out the clothes I was going to wear (as I was positive she would remember it forever), third was to make sure I shaved that morning, and lastly was to make sure that I shot an email to both you and my mother.

Why you and my mom?

Well my mom was a no-brainer. The old lady after all was about to fly 600 miles to babysit my two and a half year old daughter while my soon-to-be fiancee and I were spending a long weekend in the Smokey Mountains– the place were my then girlfriend would be getting her diamond ring at sunset on the balcony of a gorgeous cabin. Why you? Because that little girl– the one I call my daughter, the one my incredible momma was dying to come hang out with, isn’t actually my biological daughter…and the night before I met this little girl for the first time was the night I found your website.

Obviously the timing seems uncanny to me, as the morning I decide to email you that thank you letter I also find out that you are leaving your blog. But now it seems even more important that I thank you. There is so little on the internet for guys that are falling for single mothers. Still to this day, after a year and a half of searching, I haven’t been able to find a single thing online that has been able to really articulate the true emotions that some of us go through as we make decisions regarding these complex adult relationships that affect more than us (for the first time in our chauvinist chick-chasing lives)! Fortunately for me though I found something just as helpful to my emotional well being as I began my journey with my new family… I found your blog.

Reading your blog was literally the deciding moment that I was ready to meet my fiancee’s daughter. I had been going back and forth in my mind for over a month and was almost there, but your blog was the catalyst. Your blog was the place where I learned that single mothers are more than just mothers (they wanna party sometimes too), that sometimes being an extra hand is a better gift than a bouquet of roses, and most of all that being loved by a mother is to be loved by someone who truly knows what love is— because in their children they have felt what unconditional love is.

Thank you for this. Thank you for writing about your life. While I haven’t been a “regular” reader, I have kept up with your blog at least somewhat monthly, and I know that your life too looks like it has been getting better everyday… from career to family… please know that if karma has anything to do with the good things in your world, then you truly deserve it.

-Brandon

I’ve decided I owe you all a proper good-bye. So, I’ll be back next week with one last entirely positive post (unless something devastating happens at Benjamin’s fourth birthday party).

And a side note to this positive story – know that I am not ending this blog because of the negative comments and evil out there. My skin is thicker than you may think and not one of those words hurt me or offended me. The first comment I ever received on this very blog, years ago, was “You are going to die alone with your cats.” Something to that effect.

I deleted it in a fluster and then regretted it immediately. Who cares? How hilarious was that guy anyway? But the comment was vicious, cruel and unjust. Later that same commenter came back and apologized, finding the error in his judgment. He was human, too. Just like us. A person with the ability to see both sides of every story. My blog was a secret then, even from my friends and family. Then, slowly, word got out and I even outed myself at work.

But I kept writing. I kept writing posts that I knew would make co-workers, maybe even clients uncomfortable because I felt they had to be written. I’m a huge fan of free speech. And all along the way – the negative comments came, increasing in frequency and intensity.

So, they are just one reason – one piece of the puzzle of why I have to end this blog and start another chapter. The main reason is simply having outgrown the topic at hand – single motherhood. Don’t give the jerks out there so much credit. Okay? And keep sending me your e-mail addresses on the contact form under this post. That’s how we’ll stay connected in Chapter 2.

P.S.

Closing the comments on this one. Just have to let it sit here, untouched, unscathed. Love that letter. And by the way (apparently, I am responsible for quite a few marriages, engagements, love… can you believe that? Me? The girl who started this blog as the ultimate relationship skeptic). I find that incredibly ironic and delightful at the same time.

In October of 2007, when I started writing this blog, I was the new single mom of a 19-month-old. My goal was to help other single moms find their way as I found my own.

At first there were only a few of you reading, then a few hundred and then a few thousand. Now there are over 15,000 of you who pop into my corner of the world for updates on my life, on Benjamin, on my relationship with John. And out of all of the thousands, only a handful surface to leave stomach-churning comments that give me chills. Others go so far as to write vicious blog posts. And even others are harassing me behind the scenes with repeated comments that leave me worrying about my and Benjamin’s safety.

To those who actually have time in their day to spew needless negativity into the world, targeted at us – Who are you? Where do you come from? Who raised you to treat others this way? I may be a single mother and you may hate everything I represent – but my son and I will never stoop to your level. Ever.

I have also outgrown this blog. I have my answers. My journey as a single mom feels complete. Not because I have found John, but because I have found myself. And then there’s Benjamin. The idea of him reading some of the words written about me here or elsewhere is beyond terrifying. I can’t let that happen, no matter how much I love this blog, no matter how much I love all of you.

I could write and keep his pictures and mention of him off of my blog, but the premise – being a single mom, dating, who knows… it would still affect him, our relationship and how he is perceived by his peers.

I am going to keep the 600+ blog posts I have written up for the next 12 months. And then, I will be deleting this space. That should be enough time for all of you to catch up. I love all of you (my single mamas). But I have to listen to my gut and end this here.

If you need advice about being a dating single mom, there will always be my book. Everything you need is on those pages. Although, the book won’t be up forever either. Don’t think for a second that I am ashamed of anything I have written. I just want Benjamin to read or hear these stories from me first. I may start blogging again, I’m just not sure when or where.

You can do this without me. You can.

I know you can because I did. And I will always be here thinking of you and sending you all of the positive energy I can muster, just not from this blog. I can’t thank you enough for being here, for supporting me and for giving me your spirit during these past few years. If anyone is responsible for the growth I’ve experienced personally – it’s all of you.

Thank you,

xoxo

Alaina

P.S. Fill out this form and you’ll be on my mailing list, so if I do start another blog someday – I can let you know.

Introducing Him to the Kids

I know it’s been a while since I’ve offered up a around of single mom dating tips, but here is a fresh batch. The subject? Introducing or not introducing men to your children.

First, a few real-life single mom dating experiences. In both cases, each single mom did what she felt was right at the time. We can’t hold them responsible or judge them for their actions. We are all learning as we go… dating as a single mom is by far the hardest and most misunderstood experience mothers can have. But we can learn from each other.

Single Mom Dating Scenario 1

She bides her time, listens to her ultra-protectionist mama gut and waits 9 months to introduce the man she’s dating to her toddler. She introduces him only after she’s certain they’ll be together forever and have fallen completely and totally in love. Did her patience pay off?

At first, yes. Everything is going so well that they all move in together three months after the introductions. Four weeks later her boyfriend, likely caving under the stress of what I’ll call Sudden Toddler Exposure, jets. He leaves. Completely and totally leaves and she hasn’t heard from him since.

Single Mom Dating Scenario 2

She doesn’t wait. Knowing instantly that he is the one. She brings the man into their lives, introduces him to her 6-year-old and then – because he lives out of town – allows him to practically (but not really) move in.

Things are going very well, they’re both living in the La La Land of Love and then – boom – something doesn’t feel right. They are fighting constantly (the child is seeing the fights) and it all ends a few weeks later in a nasty break-up.

To avoid the above Single Mom Dating Scenarios…

1. If you are seriously interested in a man it is completely fine to introduce him to the kids.

Guess what? Your kids are – like 50% of their friends – from a two parent household, or a one parent household. But still, this is a new day and age. Being tied up or hung up on putting your kid in a therapy chair could cause them more harm than good.

And besides, do you really know a man if you can’t gauge his behavior and interaction with your children. This is something us moms can read in just a few hours at the park or ice cream parlor. No need for moving him in or inviting him over for dinner every night. Just slowly introduce them. One outing a week to ease them in and then slowly increase exposure.

BUT.

Do not move too fast. At all. Take your time.

John and I have been dating for 10 months but even when he does come over – it’s just before Benjamin’s bed time and when Benjamin wakes up in the morning – he’s gone, having woken up between 5:00am – 6:00am to get out of the house. This is something John does on his own. He never complains or whines. He just does it. I can tell you, it’s very helpful to be with a man who puts Benjamin first – always. Helps to keep me in line as well, because I’m definitely not as strong as I seem.

2. Ease him into father-like responsibilities.

I learned this the hard way with Kris. But, to my advantage, now remember that lesson every day with John. If you are dating a single dad I’m sure it’s a different story, but with a childless guy you have to keep your boundaries. Even 10 months in. John is incredibly helpful but he has yet to experience the real routine of my single mom life, every day, all day, over and over again from breakfast to dinner.

Why? Why not expose him to that? Because 1) it’s not his responsibility 2) we need this time to grow our relationship and build a foundation 3) it’s too much pressure to throw someone immediately into fatherhood, remember we had nine months to get used to the idea + the age of our child/children. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ve surely caught on and played witness to my slip ups on this and then re-centering. But, all in all, I think we are moving at just the right pace for all of us.

3. Escape from the kids (whenever humanly possible).

John and I have every other weekend alone. Usually I hide away in his apartment and lounge on his couch, eating fudge pops and watching TV.  We do leave to go out with friends, dinner or for a quick shopping trip. But it’s so nice to just do next to nothing and enjoy each other. The routine sets me back on house cleaning and I play catch up all week, but it’s worth every minute. I want to give him that… just me, sans Benjamin.

This weekend we’re taking off for Ann Arbor to visit my great uncle and my great aunt. My great uncle’s sister, my grandmother was also a single mom. But in the 1950’s. Can you imagine? She raised four boys with the help of her World War 1 widowed mother and never re-married.

Although, the story goes – that she used to go ball room dancing every weekend…

4. Don’t forget about YOU.

This is the hardest one for me. Between my quickly growing search engine optimization and social marketing firm, my son and my boyfriend there is little time for me to just be. So I force myself to go for walks at lunch. I say no “a lot.” And I LOVE my work, so that helps. Being at work, working on what I love counts as being good to myself (on most days). Right?

The point is that you have to manage your stress. Good luck with that one (I know it’s the hardest).

>>> Read all of my past Single Mom Dating Tips posts for more.

Designed by none other than John Bear, the tireless 80’s toy and movie pusher, Benjamin’s birthday invitation garnered such a strong reaction from everyone who found it in their inbox that I had to share.

When Benjamin saw it he jumped up and down, and then after a few more viewings proceeded to tell me the play by play of how he ended up in the snow fighting Empire-bots with his “life saver.”

The invitation is building hype for the party among Benjamin’s four year old buddies. Rumor has it they’ve been printing copies out and carrying them around, pestering their mothers for more details and advance tickets.

Deception is an art and it’s call Photoshop. The invitation makes me seem like a well-organized, put together mom who plans everything far in advance. But, don’t let it fool you.

After weeks of toiling over the idea of an expensive bowling alley or skating rink party, I decided to rent out Wild Goose Creative under the Cement Marketing offices. Then I asked John if he could make an invitation. Three hours later there it was and a party was born – for well under my budget.

The plan now is to sit a group of costumed kids down in front of a giant projection of a Star Wars movie. Then we’ll let them run free to eat food, cake and play a few games. The adults can escape upstairs to the Cement offices for private kid-free time.

Done and done. I’m such a slacker.

All three of us fell in love with a puppy for about a minute today.

Okay, maybe it was longer than a minute.

Maybe about twenty.

It happened entirely by accident. John had been entertaining Benjamin in Petland so I could shop for birthday party favors at a store next door.

Like Murphy, she’s a pure-bred Wheaton Terrier. And as my Twitter friends were quick to point out, probably came from a puppy mill.

But. She is still a puppy.

And when I held her she cuddled right up into my chest.

Can’t even believe this little brown fuzz ball is going to turn into a white Wheaton Terrier, like Murph.

And I can’t even believe I have gone from being sublimely indifferent to the love and emotions dogs bring to completely head over heels. I blame this guy.

Such a sucker. But I am resisting. For now. If she’s still there in three weeks, outgrowing that miserable cage – I may have to rescue her. I don’t care where she came from.

We bonded.

I am delusional right now. Daydreaming of having a household with two Wheaton Terriers, one man, and one four year old.

But, hey, we could all go to puppy mill protests together. Right? Cuddling all the way.

Even though we were sick, low on energy, and trapped in our house Benjamin and I still managed to have a fairly entertaining week.

With the help of my MacBook Pro we made his first movie. Not bad for an almost 4 year old. (And don’t miss a hilarious John Bear sighting at the end).

And if he keeps growing like this I may have to stop feeding him or something.

Benjamin came home with a headache on Tuesday.

Which turned into a fever on Tuesday night.

Which turned into puking on Wednesday night.

Which turned into… ahhh, never mind.

The sick fairies spared John Bear and I the vomiting but left us with severe headaches and congestion.

Benjamin pukes like a champ by the way. It frightens me. It’s like the kid is built or designed for college parties. As soon as he feels a squirm in his stomach he runs to the bathroom, puts both hands on the toilet seat, braces himself and then…

Like a pro.

I can hear his future friends cheering him on now as he emerges from the bathroom and declares, “Give me another one!”

I can sit here and hope that’s just a vision, but I’m bracing myself for a time in Benjamin’s life when he’s working hard and playing hard, like his mother used to be. Used to be. Now I can’t have more than two beers without wanting to call it a night and head home.

One shot of tequila is all it takes to make me forget my limits. And then boom – I wake up with a hang over that lasts 48 hours. I’m a light-weight now, what can I say? Drinking and I just don’t get along anymore.

At some point this week, being stuck in the house with my little sick, puking goblin I tested out a new camera lens on my fridge. In this winter darkness of never ending snow and flu, my refrigerator is the brightest thing in the house. An impromptu scrap book, my fridge is where I stick memories I unearth while cleaning or dusting in odd places.

There’s the photo of my sister and I. Our faces warm from spending days by the pool at our apartment in Texas. We were in the back seat of a friend’s car when I took that, moments away from hitting a bar in Austin.

My Athens block is holding us up, near some notes Anna sent me just a few weeks ago. Love my sister. So much.

To the right there’s the picture of John Bear and I, the one I tore it out of a scratch copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored. I look like I’m going to maul him or something but I still like that picture. Taken on such a good weekend.

On the bottom right is a picture of my father’s family – my dad is one of the little guys in the front. My grandmother, a single mother to four boys during the 50’s and 60’s is on the top right. I never met her. Like my father, she died of cancer when she was 50. Damn the cancer.

And on the front is Mr. Germ Doctor, always packing a new illness to infect Mommy with.

He hides them so well. The germs. But they’re in there…

[BTW: Those cute Lois Lane magnets are on Amazon.]

]]> http://mssinglemama.com/2010/02/26/holed-up/feed/ 2 http://mssinglemama.com/2010/02/24/conversations-with-benjamin/ http://mssinglemama.com/2010/02/24/conversations-with-benjamin/#comments Thu, 25 Feb 2010 02:09:30 +0000 mssinglemama http://mssinglemama.com/?p=5354

“Mommy.”

“Yeah, Benjamin.”

“You have a tattoo on your butt. That’s funny. Ha. Ha. So funny.”

“Well, it’s not really on my butt.”

“Yes, yes it is Mommy! Look!”

“Okay, that’s enough, keep your hands off of me.”

——–

“Mommy.”

“Yeah, what’s up Benjamin?”

“I want to lift your car off the ground tomorrow morning. Before I go to school.”

“Okay, you can try.”

“No, I’m not going to try – I am going to lift your car.”

“Okay, Sweetie. But first go to sleep. In the morning you can try.”

“Not try Mommy!”

“Alright, alright – you will lift my car tomorrow morning. Now GO TO BED.”

——-

“Mama?”

“Yeah.”

“Is John Bear coming over later.”

“Yeah, he is. Probably in about 30 minutes.”

“Is he coming over forever, Mommy? Like, forever, like he’s never going to leave?”

“I don’t know, Honey. Hey – let’s go upstairs and play before he gets here?”

“Okay. Sure. Hey, good idea Mommy, that’s a really good idea.”

——-

“Mommy, I hate school.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I hate school.”

“Do you know what hate means?”

“No.”

“Do you like school?”

“Yeah, I like school.”

“Cool.”

A few updates for you:

1. My 7 Day Quit was awesome (kind of).

I started out valiantly with three days straight of  the 30 Day Shred.

Each day, I felt better than the last. I could even see a stark difference in my ab, arm and leg muscle definition. Crazy how fast your body changes.

On Day 4, I rested to give my aching, sore muscles a break. I was also a bit worried about all of the squatting and bending of my knees, which are definitely still a mess thanks to two years a soccer goalie. On Day 5 I picked back up where I left off, all went well and I ignored a nagging feeling in my right knee.

On Day 6 I rested, worried about the knee pain that was now more pronounced, aching with every step.

On Day 7 I plowed forward anyway, diving into another Jillian-induced pain session. And then on one of the last set of jumping jacks my left foot shot up in pain. That’s when I let out a scream and turned the video off. To hell with chiseled abs and a tight bod – I wasn’t going to break anything in the process. Clearly, I have to go to the doctor to get this all checked out. I’m also shopping for a gym with a pool, so I can swim and do low-impact exercises. Just have to find something that works.

But, I can still do crunches and push-ups. Those won’t hurt my knees. So, if anything, these 7 days have proven to me that you can get some chiseled cut little muscles, even in the confines of your living room.

You all did so well too! I’ll be sending you your books soon. But only to those who came back and left two comments. The first telling me what you were going to quit and the second telling me how it went. If you didn’t do that yet – get on it, before you miss out on a free copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored.

2. The New Leaf Necklaces are coming…

The new leaf necklaces in 100% sterling silver are almost here. I also have another piece of leaf jewelry in the works that I think you’re all going to flip out over. I am already dying to get mine. They should be going on sale in the next couple of weeks. Until then, fill out the quick form on my Shop page and I’ll add you to my New Leaf mailing list. So, as soon as I have them ready to go – you’ll be the first to know and therefore, get first dibs on batch #1.

When I met John Bear I didn’t have non-stop butterflies jumping around in my stomach.

I didn’t ache or pine for him.

I didn’t daydream about him, waiting for him to call.

Instead, I felt like a level-headed woman, slowly falling for someone who swept me away with his generosity, kind spirit, sweet surprises and constant mantra, “I’m not going anywhere.”

And he didn’t go anywhere. Not then.

Not even then.

And not now.

And I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. We are completely and utterly into each other, but in a new kind of way (for both of us).

Earlier this weekend a single mom girlfriend of mine was telling me about a recent nice guy she’s dating who pampers her with dinners, gifts, nice words and kind actions but there’s something missing.

“I just don’t feel the butterflies,” she said.

And while this guy may not be a keeper, I still had to slap down some advice in hopes of breaking her in for a future of dating only nice guys, or as I like to call them – real men.

“You don’t have to feel butterflies right away. They’re like a drug, clouding your judgment. You should feel lead weights and they drop once every few weeks. They mean something, you feel calm, happy… content.”

This morning John Bear, Benjamin and I headed to Barnes & Noble. On the way in I snapped up a copy of Lori Gottlieb’s Marry Him. When I first read the article that sparked the book I wrote this blog post exploring some of her ideas. Her words had touched a few nerves but I listened and digested her thoughts wondering if I had just lost my Mr. Good Enough. In my case, Kris. Mr. Good Enough, Gottlieb argued was the guy many “picky” single women pass up on while searching for Mr. Right, Mr. Perfect 10, Mr. Knight in Shining Armor. By eliminating men because they were balding, or had a weird twitching eye – whatever – she argued we were setting ourselves up to be alone, forever.

I didn’t mind the thought of being alone forever and wrote:

Lori Gottlieb can husband shop all she wants, but this single mom is not ready for one again.

But, if I do meet someone who wants to grab my hand and pull me off of that cliff – I might reconsider. In otherwords, I may be a single mom but I still need the sparks and there’s no way I’m settling.

Now, well over one year later and 10 months into the greatest relationship I’ve ever been had, I have to say – I completely agree with her. But would I call John Bear my Mr. Good Enough? Did I settle? No way. I am still wrapped up in that warm blanket, soaking it all in – loving this and him like I never imagined. With that said, I don’t and have never felt with him the same kind of crazy butterflies and sparkage I felt with prior alpha-male, bad boys. This, I believe, is an incredibly positive thing.

I’ve already done the studly guy with the foreign accent who gives you millions upon millions of butterflies but no substance, no lead weights that drop into the pit of your stomach and knock the wind out of you. So it’s not that you’re settling for Mr. Good Enough, I think that’s the touch-point Gottlieb gets everyone riled up on – instead, it’s about choosing to settle down with a man for all of the right reasons, not the wrong ones.

I think Carrie Sloan of LemonDrop.com nailed it in her review or Marry Him!:

The thing is, the most unsettling part of the book for me was the word “settle,” because, despite the title, that’s not exactly what Gottlieb’s espousing. She’s simply suggesting you not walk in the shoes of her younger self: A very particular girl who wrote guys off indiscriminately, for all the wrong reasons, for too long. And, when you are ready to settle down, look for someone who’s going to be a good partner, rather than, say, a master sexter with bedroom eyes.

And then she added in regards to her recent marriage,

I don’t think either one of us thinks we’ve settled. It’s more that we grew up. And I think all Gottlieb’s urging you to do is use your perch on the bar to scan the room for nice guys you might otherwise overlook — because you might find they grow on you when the time comes not to settle, but to settle down.

After I put her book down I took a seat on the floor by the train table at Barnes and Noble and watched as John Bear tossed a giggling Benjamin up and down in the air. The nicest guy in the world who happens to be earning his way deeper and deeper into my heart, one lead weight at a time.

Forget the butterflies. Seriously. Butterflies are for teenagers.

Back up reading (old posts I’ve written on all of this):

Do you still believe in the one? I certainly hope not.
My Must Have Man List
Did I lose my Mr. Good Enough?
That Couple