Follow my Single Mom boards on Pinterest

NOTE: I just discovered Pinterest and will be adding to these as I go. But we can file away everything we find that inspires us, motivates us or pushes our fashion senses. Just click on the links to follow my boards or follow me to find everything I pin.

Single Mom Blogs Board
I have a running list of single mom blogs on this board, the best of the best and those who are still writing. So many of the single mom bloggers I used to know are off and married now. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

Single Mom Inspiration Board
I will put everything here that inspires me in hopes that it will inspire you or lift your spirits.

Sexy Mama Fashion Board
Fashion is so important to single moms, as many of us are re-inventing or re-discovering ourselves. I, personally, buy one or two staple pieces a season and find everything else in thrift stores. But I love what I find on Pinterest because it inspires how I throw it all together. Lots of layering, accessories and too many shoes.

I have lots of boards, you can find them all and follow whatever. Just wanted to share! Totally addicted already and love the way you can file and organize all of your favorite things.

Related posts:

1. Thomas rocks and Momma Cum Laude could be in labor…
2. What women really want.
3. Romance in the air?

I know I will get blasted for this one. But, whatever, bring on the hate. This is reality, this is love and this is modern parenthood. We both put our children first and care about them more than anything in the world. What’s the most amazing of all is how much we have all fallen in love with each other.

————

One of our hugs leads to a kiss.

When we open our eyes all three are staring up at us. Their heads tilted upwards and smiles spread across their faces. All of them, beaming the purest form of happiness. Collectively they look like a little cheering section for love.

I can’t grab a camera this moment will be over in a second. I just have to take it all in, studying their faces, studying his, little hands cover little mouths as they stifle giggles, “Look, they are kissing! Look!!! Heee heee.”

I’m not even surprised that we are all here because it feels like it’s been waiting for us all along.

It’s the first time they’ve actually seen us kissing. They are also seeing, for the first time, their parents absolutely and totally in love, and the beginning of a happy and fulfilling relationship.We smile and then stop and split up our hug to get back to our hide and seek game.

Later in the car, he says, “Do you know how amazing it is that our kids will get to see a relationship from the start?”

“You’re right! They’ll get to see everything.”

“Yep, the good, the bad and the awesome,” he says smiling.

“They’ll be awesome at dating.” I rest my head back in the seat, closing my eyes for a minute to imagine all three of them as adults with very realistic views about relationships. Or hoping, I suppose. But they’re off to a good start.

What makes a healthy and positive relationship for your children to witness:

1. Love, yes, but that’s just the start.
2. Healthy communication. Let them hear you work through dilemmas with your partner. Little dilemmas, like where to put the new fish tank the nanny bought.  Let them hear you laughing and enjoying each other. Let them see you expressing physical expression – but only if they are comfortable with that, which leads to #3
3. Allow and ask the children to share their opinion. A great way to do this if they are young (like ours – who are 5, 5 and 7) – is asking them to draw pictures of what makes them sad, happy, angry or mad. Also, you can ask them to write their feelings in a journal. The point is to let them express themselves freely without judgement or sadness expressed from you. You are the parent, it is your job to comfort, soothe, listen and embrace whatever it is they need to say. How you respond to their feelings is up to you – but, I would do whatever it would take to make sure you are in fact, responding. Even if that means ending the relationship. This isn’t about you, it’s about them. First and foremost, and always. Also, if your boyfriend reacts negatively to any expression of feelings from your child that may be negative toward him or about an ex of yours, get rid of him.
4. No shouting, screaming, yelling or fighting between parents or partners. This should go without saying, but I’m saying it anyway – to make sure you know that’s not okay (even if your parents did it).
5. No abuse of any kind. None. Never, ever, ever, no matter what. Another one that should go without saying, but unfortunately some of us are involved in relationships that include: physical abuse, drug abuse, or emotional abuse. When you are dating someone – find out if they have any drug, physical or emotional abuse issues in their past before you become involved. Ask them “So, are you open to therapy?” I hear so many times about men who would never go to a therapist if their life depended on it. Drop them like flies, especially if they have issues. And do it before you become attached. When you are in an abusive relationship, your child will be a victim as well.
6. Don’t hop back and forth between boyfriends. An ex is an ex is an ex. Leave him in ex-land. I learned this the hard way last year with John. By rekindling our relationship last year, it confused Benjamin. Now he still thinks that the Mr. will be leaving one day. It’s heartbreaking that my son has baggage due to my baggage, that I wasn’t strong enough to just let that relationship end when it had.
7. Never forget that the children are in the relationship, too. A relationship between adults shouldn’t feel forced and a relationship between children and a potential step parent shouldn’t feel forced either. For all five of us, everything is as natural as can be. We also have very similar parenting styles, which makes it a lot easier. And again, we are incredibly respectful and conscious of the children and their emotions about it all.
8. Watch the kids. Are they acting out in school? Are they just saying they are happy, or are they really happy? A child just wants you to be happy and could put on a happy face while inside they are not. Look to behavior for hints of their true emotions.

Like you, your children will know when you find the right one–when you find the best kind of love. They’ll know it’s worth every minute of everything that came before, but protecting them from as much of that pain as possible is a must.

Do you have any opinions about the above? I know some of you will and I encourage you to share them.

Related posts:

1. Will our kids be worse off?
2. The dating front
3. Single Mom S.O.S.: Can she take the kids overseas?

And I absolutely love them all.

The Mr. and I were talking today about blending families. From our initial digging on Amazon, it doesn’t look like there are very many books on the subject for modern single parents.

Any others out there becoming step-parents or blending families with young children? Tips or advice? Or what questions do you have about it all? Let’s start the discussion here… and see where it takes us. I’m thinking another Website entirely could be in order. Maybe with both his and my perspectives?

Related posts:

1. Research.
2. A dad you have to meet
3. Getting over it.

It is our second date.

Our first date after our coffee date. So, in my mind, this is our first real date. I am wearing my favorite gray Calvin Klein dress. It’s just short enough, but not too short and hits mid thigh. To keep off the Fall chill I’m wearing my light brown suede jacket and–because I can–my pre-Benjamin stiletto booties.

I am proud of myself for picking out an outfit so quickly, considering how daunting it had been to get dressed before the coffee date.

He texts me that he is parked around the corner, behind the bushes, where I know Benjamin can’t spot him. I kiss Benjamin good-bye, wish the sitter good luck and dash out the door. Per the sound and logical advice of my girlfriends, we have waited four days to see each other again. But, it has felt like weeks. Typically four days would be nothing for me, a splash in the water, nothing. But on each night we’ve spend hours on the phone talking and each night, I’ve woken up at 3:00 or 4:00 AM wide awake with anticipation.

“This is nuts,” I tell myself every morning when I wake up, not even tired.

“This is crazy, isn’t is?” says Meg Ryan.

“No, that’s what’s so crazy about it,” says Rosie.

That line from Sleepless in Seattle makes sense now and every obnoxious jilted love song on the radio doesn’t. What are those people even wasting their time on? It should just make sense from the start and always.

One night I tell him, “I haven’t talked to a boy on the phone for this long since middle school.”

He laughs. I love his laugh and notice that I can produce it easily. But then I wonder, does he talk to all of the girls this much? When I ask him this he pauses, taken aback, and says, “No. I don’t talk to all of the girls this much.”

Suddenly, I feel ashamed for asking in such an accusatory way and realize that was my baggage speaking for me. I make a mental note and in the future, when the time is right, I apologize to him. His response is completely accepting, “Sweetheart, that’s okay – you have every right to be cautious, you’ve been hurt before. You don’t owe me any apologies.” He accepts me, baggage and all.

In this moment as I’m walking and not trying to run, as I’m trying to look cool and calm and not utterly petrified as I turn the corner into the bushes, I try to forget about my baggage. When I see his face, it all melts away. My nerves, my anxiety. The only thing left is a peaceful contentment.

“Hi,” he says with a smile before he scoops me up into a hug, “How are you?”

“Better now,” I say.

He pulls the door open for me. I thank him quietly, feeling awkward, as I always have when men show me chivalry. When we start driving I look down at my hands and they’re shaking in my lap. The nerves are back.

“I’m sorry,” I say, “but I’m so nervous right now. I go out on a lot of dates. This is not like me, at all.”

“Me, too!” he says, “I’ve been totally nervous all day. And no, I’m not normally like this with all the girls.”

We laugh and then I snap my head into the back seat. Something has caught my eye. Something pink. With a full view, I see it’s the pink arm of a car booster seat. And then I see the other blue seat on the other side. Two car seats. Empty, of course, but I can imagine them there while he’s driving. Their awesome dad with his great big smile and his great big laugh and his great big heart.

Finally on the other side of the dating single parent spectrum, I blurt out, “Now, that is hot.”

He laughs again and I say, “No, really, you have no idea.”

“Oh, I definitely do.”

—–

On another night three months later, we were still laughing just like we were on that first, second date…  and taking goofy pictures.

My caption for this one is “My big, giant New Year’s gnome.”

Still haven’t decided on a name for him, but your feedback is simmering and baking. Thank you for that and for sticking with my totally boring blog, as it has become a love nest. But, hooray for love and damn the torpedoes.

Related posts:

1. One side effect of being a dating single mama…my baby is trying to make out with me.
2. My dark side
3. The other side

Remember the single mom manifesto project?

I sent three of these out to over 150 of you and not one as returned.

I’m so sad about that, but I understand knowing that we are all busy and it seemed like a far fetch that we could pull it off. Or maybe they were lost in the mail…

Either way, I am still in love with the idea of gathering all of your declarations of your principles, the foundations you hold dear as a single mother – and then making them public. Sharing your story for others. What drives you? What guides you? The manifesto is all about you and what you believe.

The definition of Manifesto from Wikipedia – a manifesto is a public declaration of principles and intentions, often political in nature. Manifestos relating to religious belief are generally referred to as creeds. Manifestos may also be life stance-related.

I wrote mine in the books and sent it off. I had photos and everything. If you want to contribute your manifesto… write yours, scan it digitally (you can use the Pro Scanner app on your smart phone) and then upload it to my Facebook page as a photo – if you prefer to be more anonymous – email yours to mssinglemama@gmail.com with the subject line MANIFESTO. Everyone who submits one will then receive a password for a FREE Ms. Single Mama Uncensored eBook!

Sound good? Leave comments with questions if you have any. And Merry Christmas!!! Love you my Mamas.

Related posts:

1. Single Mom Manifesto
2. Big Sky
3. How to Date Online (for the single parent).

I have an apology to make to New York City.

I am sorry for doubting you and jumping to conclusions after my last visit.

I’m not sure what happened, maybe it was the hot weather (100+) and the wrong neighborhood choice (Times Square), but this time I had a completely different experience. We were in Greenpoint, a Polish neighborhood in Brooklyn, where my sister, Anna, and her husband, Ryan, are living until he finishes law school.

The first night Benjamin woke up and started puking. He had the flu, most certainly and unavoidably. And there we all were the next day, on Thanksgiving, staring at each other and wondering in horror when we would all start doing the same. That got old after the first hour so we proceeded as planned and Anna and Ryan made a delicious Thanksgiving Feast.

On Friday morning, having managed to keep it all down, we woke up thinking we had narrowly avoided Benjamin’s flu and we headed ou to Union Square.

We handed the camera to Benjamin in the subway and he took this one of us… (I LOVE it).

Things were going well at that point. But as soon as we got there, the man who has yet to be named (vote on his nickname at the end of the post) started feeling it.

You can see the pain in his face in this picture. Trying. To. Hold. On.

In the meantime, Anna and I kept playing with Benjamin. With one down, we knew we couldn’t be far off. We should have quarantined ourselves, I know. You are all going to yell at me when you see us out in public, poisoning the air of New York City.

But at the time, we felt fine.

And you know that big shiny thing is covered with everyone’s germs anyway. Because who can really stay cramped up in those teeny, tiny little NYC apartments for very long? Definitely not this guy.

But after the slide… Mr. Yet to Be Named retreated back to the apartment with Benjamin, who still wasn’t 100%.

Being a dad himself means he is completely and absolutely awesome at the kid stuff. So, Anna and I stayed back for some shopping and some one-on-one sister time.

She took me to all of her favorite places. And we imagined what it would be like to actually live in the same city. One day. Not yet, but one day. Or at least, the same nursing home. If we don’t end up together again some day I won’t consider my life complete.

Because she’s my sister soul mate.

We spent a lot of time talking about the ironies of relationships past and the joys of relationships present and how, clearly, I should be fired from writing a blog about relationships. You all know why, she knows why, I know why – because I so adamantly insisted everyone should settle and persuaded myself that John was it for me.

“Don’t say that!” I said. “I shouldn’t be fired, it’s my blog. I can’t fire myself from writing about my life.”

“You’re right. It’s your blog,” she added, “and you’ve always said that. You’ve always said that you’re just writing about your experiences, not anyone else’s. And it’s your perspective.”

After a few more hours of shopping Anna and I started feeling it.

We had received word from the apartment that both Ryan and Mr. ? were officially losing it from all exits. We grabbed some Gatorade, Pepto and went home, dreading our impending doom. And sure enough, with a mother’s timing, it hit me just minutes after I tucked Benjamin into bed.

But at least the little shit was happy the entire time.

And in the midst of it all, Mr ? did not complain, not once. We all just took it and still managed to have fun – because we were with each other. And for that, I was incredibly thankful. But again, it appears, NYC and I have an ill-fated relationship. We’ll be back again, soon enough… in the meantime, what should my man’s name be? See pictures of him (when he’s not about to puke) here in my latest photo album.

So, let’s name him.

Leave a comment with your idea or if you like any of these, say so in the comments. Here are my favorites:

1. The Dude – because he is the dude. He is a singer/songwriter, rides a Harley, is tall, dark and handsome and all kinds of sexy, but at the same time he is absolutely gentle, sweet and kind.

2. Mr. Single Dad

3. TDH (for Tall, Dark and Handsome)

4. Mr. Mr. (I don’t know why, but I like this one)

I have thought of all of the cliche names like Mr. Right, Mr. Prince Charming, but they just don’t fit.

As always, I have total veto power because it’s my blog. Muh-ha-ha-ha… but haven’t decided on any of these yet. So fire away.

Related posts:

1. My Disclaimer & My Apologies.
2. On Weddings
3. The news.

I’ll be back. I’m not sure when. Maybe in a week, or a month, or never. Honestly, I don’t know right now.

After meeting him, my first reaction was to tell all of you – and quickly – that you must have butterflies, that you must feel a spark, that you must never settle, that I had found something I am sure not all of us get to experience in a lifetime. I wanted to put a clause or a correction on everything I had been writing in the past. I wanted to share it with you so you in turn won’t settle, as I had advised before. And then the harsh judgments started pouring in.

All of my credibility, all trust you may have in my judgement to protect my son – all of that tossed aside, without any regard to the fact that Benjamin is the happiest kid you’ll ever meet and doing far better in school and in life than I ever could have imagined.

To question my character? Really?

Yes, I love being in love. Yes, I love love. Yes, I believe in love. Yes, I have met the man of my dreams. And yes, I will may be a fool. But for the first time in the four years since starting my blog, I am choosing to keep things where they belong – between he and I. Read my archives, take what you will from them. Learn what you can, that’s why this blog is here.

Know that I am out enjoying life and, gasp, love. And I am completely aware that I could get hurt. I am completely aware that this is just the beginning. And no I am not going to rush off and marry him or move in with him. I really will miss writing, but this is what I need right now. I need to be completely and absolutely selfish and just enjoy my privacy.

Related posts:

1. Taking it easy
2. And then we break up.
3. From Break Up Land

My father and I were folding laundry, the piles were up to our knees.

It had been a particularly rough week in our house. There were six of us after all and my mother and he had been fighting about something. I can’t remember what, most likely something to do with the logistics of raising six humans. Should Eliot really go off to soccer practice in Marietta or should he stay at the camp in Athens? Or, should the girls really go to that party at so and so’s house whose parents may or may not be home?

My parents had a very unique relationship. Unlike parents I witnessed at my friends’ houses, my parents would often be spotted kissing in the kitchen while preparing dinner and they would stay up late into the night talking. Not fighting or arguing, but deep in conversation, passionate conversation about their work, life, us kids, and each other. They didn’t waste time with things, like television. They were in love, yes, but they were also best friends.

When my father died, part of my mother died with him.

In this moment, buried in the laundry, I felt struck to ask him a bold question.

“How do you do it, Dad? How do you still love Mom so much after all of these years? Even on days like this.”

It only took him a moment to answer, “I always knew, even though my parents had gone through a terrible divorce, that I would find the love of my life some day and that I would be madly in love with her. I believed in love.” He paused and kept folding and then added, “and so did your mother. Look at her family. Divorce, horrible, horrible things but she still believed. We both believed. And then we found each other.”

It made complete sense to me, they believed in love. More importantly, they believed in their relationship. The believing being the key. Because nothing can existing without a belief that it exists. Especially love.

Belief in motion. My parents stepping outside of a hotel after their wedding.

Related posts:

1. Baggage check: I won’t let myself fall in love.
2. Polka dot love.
3. Love and rear view mirrors.

He holds my face in his hands and says before kissing me, “Are you feeling this?”

“Yes,” I answer, relieved. “It’s not just me, then?”

“No. It’s not just you,” he says.

“Has this ever happened to you before?” I ask.

“Nope.” He smiles into my eyes.

“Me neither.”

But we just met. This is only our second date.

How is this possible? How can we both be feeling what we’re feeling? Is this purely driven by our physical attraction to one another? Definitely not, I’ve felt that before–this is something entirely different. And I was attracted to him before I even met him. This is something I can’t describe and all of my skepticism all of my cynicism, all of my doubts that love like this exists in the world is immediately gone.

And I can say that this is worth everything preceding it, no matter what follows…

——

The first time I see him it is through the glare of my laptop screen.

I am smiling as I look at his profile pictures. My smile is almost obtrusive because I can’t make it stop. “Why are you smiling like this?” I say out loud. “Stop. Seriously, this is ridiculous. It’s just a profile.” But I can’t. I am talking to myself and smiling and struck.

There he is.

All smiles himself with lovely dark eyes that are smiling even when he is not, the outline of his dimples showing through his beard. In one picture he is holding his daughter on his lap, she one of two children he mentions in his profile.

“They’re incredible. And tiring. And funny. And totally worth all the hard work.”

I scan his stats.

He’s 6’3″, clearly gorgeous, gainfully employed in a position he loves. And then there’s his smile. And my smile. The one that is still on my face. Obtrusive and still there, five minutes later.

What is going on? This is nuts.

I had logged on that afternoon to delete my account on OkCupid.com. I had gone on one really awkward date and couldn’t bear the thought of going on anymore. It would be a waste of time. And I don’t want a man that badly. Not bad enough to do that again.

Before deleting my account I stopped, noticing a stock pile of inbound messages. Hmmmm…. who were these from? I scanned the inbox. Nah, nope, gross! And then there was his face and a message.

Evidently we’re 0% match, 41% friend, and 50% enemy. I think that’s pretty funny, because based on how you describe yourself and your “manperson”, I think we’d actually get along pretty well. So, guess I’m just saying Hi, and I’d like to talk sometime.

Keep being awesome.

We find out later we were 50% enemy because I hadn’t taken the time to properly fill out my profile. I write back immediately and after a few exchanges we have made a Saturday coffee date.

That day I can’t think about much else and after Benjamin marches off to Margaret’s house across the street, she’s my soul mate single mama neighbor, without whom I don’t know what I would do. We both trade our children back and forth all weekend, every weekend. This is one of those times and she’s happily acquired Benjamin so I can get dressed. But I can’t get dressed.

This never happens to me. Sure, I have trouble deciding on what to wear, but in this instance I am literally unable to even find something, anything to wear. The butterflies aren’t just flying around in my stomach–they are throwing punches. I end up electing to be on time rather than super cute and choose an old sweater over a t-shirt. Completely boring but at this point, this is a huge win–at least I am dressed.

On paper he is everything.

But what will he be like in person?

When I walk in, I see him on the couch. He jumps up and greets me and I can tell he’s just as nervous. He’s taller than I imagined. It’s not every day that six foot, three men are standing before you. His face is warm, sweet, kind and interesting. And in an instant I can tell that he has lived and survived through pain, real pain. The pain of divorce, the pain of raising two children through that. He is equally as strong as he is sensitive and caring. A dad, through and through. I immediately like him and feel like I’ve known him forever.

When we sit down the conversation starts and it doesn’t stop. We are talking (and laughing) for hours. I find out he has recently moved back to Ohio after four years in Texas, my favorite place on the planet. He has passions: his motorcycle, his songwriting, his children, who are five and six. And then, the coffee long gone, we take a walk from Cup o’ Joe into the Short North. We window shop, eat ice cream and when it’s time to get back to Benjamin he tells me he’d like to see me again.

And so it began…

—-

And here we are, kissing on my couch.

The butterflies are there, the lead weights are there. Everything is there and I have absolutely no reservations, no compromises, no settlements. I also have to stand corrected. On the Prince Charming stuff. While I don’t need to be rescued in any way, he definitely exists because, I have found mine.

To prevent any worries on your end, my sweet readers, because I know some of you may be thinking–that I am insane or that my body has been taken hostage by dopamine and other chemically, or hormonally induced forces… there will be no rushing the children into things. As badly as we want everyone to meet, introductions will be made slowly, very slowly. Like a month from now slowly. And even then we will be friends who have play dates once a week or bi-weekly.

We have both learned in the past that being a single parent dating requires patience and planning.

Related posts:

1. Prince Charming can kiss my ass
2. My prince sent me a castle.
3. To find a prince you might have to kiss a lot of frogs.

Benjamin and his bud Bert jump out of the car. We’ve pulled up to the most exciting place on Earth.

The Eagle Creek Leadership and Challenge Center to you and I, but to Benjamin and Bertie this is where Thomas and Calvin’s grandpa lives. Thomas and Calvin are quite possibly the cutest brothers you’ll ever lay your eyes on.

And when they talk it’s even better. Smart as whips. Sweet as sugar. And the woman largely responsible for their adorable little selves is one of my best single mama friends.

Elizabeth makes this shit look easy. And she hates, hates, hates having her picture taken. Justifiably so because pictures don’t truly capture her spirit or beauty– I doubt any camera could.

Calvin and Thomas’ grandfather, Tom, prefers the nickname O.G. (stands for Old Guy). Far from an old guy, O.G. has more energy at 62 than most twenty-something men I know.

That’s Bert on the donkey. Bert’s mother makes upcycled children’s clothing by hand. You won’t believe how beautiful her pieces are and you’ll want to buy ever one of them. Back to the farm…

We start with the bunnies.

After the bunnies O.G. leads the boys into the barn where he teaches them how to properly leap from a pile of hay bales.

I find myself wishing I was a boy. Or at least a little kid again. The action drew a crowd.

After the hay, O.G. and the boys take off to the next destination. The electric cars

and motorcyle

While the boys are driving around, O.G. is busy planning the next activity. This one requires a ladder, some rope

and putting Thomas in a harness.

And then O.G. swings Thomas, around and around.

Benjamin is next.

You’d think O.G. would be running out of energy by now. But nope, next we head to the platform that leads to nowhere.

O.G. has team and leadership training sessions out here for corporations. He mentions this is how they end the day –conquering the fear of walking off a plank. The challenge? Strap yourself in and then walk off the platform to no where. You end up swinging back and forth but that initial drop feels is probably what gets you, the moment when gravity takes over.

Calvin is first. He has absolutely no hesitation. Suits up and walks off the edge. Little Thomas follows his big brother. Benjamin isn’t so quick to decide. He’s hesitating and I can completely understand why. I’m petrified just watching. But after some coaxing from O.G.

Benjamin puts one foot in front of the other

And then he jumps, swinging back and forth until the nice man at the bottom caught him.

The boys wind down with a run of O.G.’s obstacle course and then we head home.

The day has me thinking about fear and how completely freeing it is to be fearless. I mean really, what is the difference between a five year old and yourself? The experience, the hurt, the pain you’ve lived through. Imagine if you could eliminate that baggage? Could you learn to love again? Can we ever really fall in love again? Like we did before becoming single moms? I think we can.

We just have to step off that plank and trust that the rope will break our fall.

Related posts:

1. The Mad Conductor
2. The Great Dane