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My view.

mssinglemama — Wed, 16 May 2012 12:34:26 +0000

I am the luckiest girl alive for so many reasons.

There were days I thought I would never, ever crawl out of my cave of uncertainty (if you need to catch up, become a Facebook fan and have a free eBook of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored). And now, although still uncertain about so many things, I am certain about the most important of them all:

1) My family. My husband. The children. My loves. All will be well, even in the moments of frustration, this is obvious.
2) My work. My team. The big ideas. And most of all, our awesome clients.
3) The office. The cherry on the sundae. The Cement Marketing space is real, with materials hand picked by Mom (the designer at heart). Some are old, some are new. All tell a story. We would rather be comfortable than all else… we don’t have a tolerance for frivolous things.

I can credit it to timing and hours upon hours of hard work, but as far as this view is concerned–this view took about two minutes after I realized all I had to do was turn my desk around.

How do I have my own business? Well, I’m partially nuts. There’s that. And I love what I do. It all started three years ago this week when I gave notice at my day job. Remember that?

P.S.

The Cement Marketing office is currently being featured on The Metropreneur. Read about the space and see more pictures.

Just married!

mssinglemama — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 22:00:32 +0000

And in which, our little cupids plan the entire thing.

This Saturday, between soccer games and a birthday party for the boys, the kids asked us the same question they ask us every day, “When are you guys going to get married?”

Seth, Lily and Cohen moved in one month ago. It felt right. It is right. And there’s no question that this is where all five us are supposed to be–with each other.

“September,” Seth and I answered.

We had it all planned out. A Court House wedding, then a ride on Seth’s bike to Athens for a party at Jackie O’s or Smiling Skull. Jackie O’s for the fresh, brewed beer and Smiling Skull its perfect imperfections.

“Why do we have to wait that long?” One of them asked quietly. I turn my head and look into the back seat where I see three pairs of eyes staring at me quizzically. They don’t understand and why should they? Us adults make no sense most of the time. We love each other, we want to be married – so why aren’t we? The children had all, in their own ways, expressed fears that Seth and I would break up. Like he and their mother did. Like John and I did. Children, as it turns out, have baggage, too. So, to rid them of their baggage, I proposed an idea.

“Let’s have a pretend wedding this weekend! We can do it in the backyard. And then we’ll be married!”

“But you won’t really be married, will you?” They asked.

“Well, why not? If we say we’re married then that’s all that matters.”

Seth loved the idea. The kids agreed and started clapping and bouncing out of their seats. Seth and I exchanged smiles and he squeezed my hand. Feeling like we’ve been married since the moment we met, knowing with everything that we are meant to be, the wedding itself – whenever it happened- would be a mere formality.

On Sunday the kids woke up with the pretend (but to them real) wedding on their minds. Lily’s cousin has spent the night and the two girls were antsy to start planning. The girls and the boys had crowded around me, demanding to know what their roles would be.

And so it began…

“Can we be the flower girls?” asked the girls.

“Yes! Of course,” I said.

“Can we be the ring boys?” asked Benjamin and Cohen.

“Yep.”

“Who will marry you though?” asked Lily. Far from the average seven-year-old she is the smartest most beautiful little girl I’ve ever known. Her spirit is uncrushable and her determination, in this case to have a wedding, is equally so.

“Benjamin could marry us,” I suggested. And then, cued by his clear ‘no’ face, “Or, Lily, you could because you can read. We can write the lines out.”

Lily was also completely disinterested.

“My Mom could do it,” Seth chimed in with a smile. His mother is a pastor and an officiant of the state or whatever. “But,” he paused, “If she does it, it will be real.”

“Oh, right.”

We both shrug. When there are four children around it’s hard to think or plan anything, and we typically survive by planning out a big activity for the day. In this case, a wedding.

“I’ll text her.”

“Does this mean it will be real or fake?” The children asked again.

“Well, we’re not sure. I guess we’ll just have to see.”

I gave the girls some streamers, some baskets and pointed them to the art room. Then Seth and I headed upstairs to clean our room. We’d been putting it off, getting the rest of the house in order after the move. But today while the kids were busy we decided to tackle my mountain of misplaced clothes and a monstrous basket of unmatched socks.

Sometime in the afternoon Seth’s Mom texted that, yes, she would love to come for our imaginary wedding and would be there at 5:30 PM.

By 5:00 PM, Lily was all dressed up in a beautiful Easter dress and I was still in my scrubby cleaning clothes. Deciding I better get dressed, Lilly and I start hunting through the closet. She picked a short white t-shirt dress first, which I quickly vetoed based on the length. Too short. Instead I proposed a fluffy purple skirt and a white top. She shook her head, “Nope, that’s not it.”

Then we spotted my red dress. I’ve had it for at least 10 years, but I’ve never worn it. Instead, because it’s so beautiful, I’ve had it hanging in my room. It’s just the perfect red, the most beautiful raw silk and it looks so cool on a hanger. I had tried to wear it out several times. But each time it just didn’t fit quite right. I dress with my mood and the dress had never made the cut. But today, with Lily there beside me, it fits. Perfectly.

“Rings, Alaina, we need rings!” Lily dutifully points out. It’s now 5:15.

Oh yeah, shoot. Rings. I hand her one I had found in a jewelry box while cleaning the day before. I had no idea where it came from, but it was a tiny, little gold band. After Lily ran downstairs to deliver the goods and make her final preparations to the decorations, I decided it might be a good idea to do my make up. Downstairs Seth was waiting and had picked out a ring of his own, a ring he bought when he was 17 from a street vendor during a trip to Jerusalem.

At some point around this time, maybe as I put on the dress, it turned into a real wedding. We didn’t discuss it. It just happened and it was magical.

When Seth’s mother, Dale Ann arrived I could hear the excitement in her voice. This was definitely a much better option than the Court House. She, Seth and his Dad started calling in the troops–all of Seth’s brothers and sisters. I texted my friend, Monica, who had promised me months ago she would be a bridesmaid,”I think Seth and I are getting married in the back yard in 20 minutes. Can you get here?”

Twenty minutes later they were all there. Seth’s brother Ben, who had received his text while mowing the lawn, had managed to get some champagne on the way

and their brother, Nathanael with his beautiful wife Sara and their beautiful sweet peas.

Monica had miraculously checked her cell phone while riding her scooter on High Street and also made it just in time. Seth’s siblings from Chicago and California were online via a Google Hangout. Dale Ann entertained them with a virtual tour of the house. It was literally a surprise real wedding for everyone involved, even us.

Note the plucked flowers. We’ll get to that.

Dale Ann had brought a not-so-pretend wedding cake, gluten-free (for me) and sugar-free (for Benjamin). Our little wedding planners helped her find a topper. And yes, that’s toilet paper on the bride.

The flowers on the cake are from a bunch of wild flowers we had picked up at the grocery that week.

The flower girl petals came from the rest of them.

Lily, of course, had the bouquet covered.

The boys were waiting patiently.

And with all of those pieces and parts in place, the ceremony began. That’s Lily’s cousin leading and Lily behind.

I just want to pause for a second to point out my nasty, nasty yard. Had I even thought I would have guests and a real wedding I would have perhaps cleaned up the pile of sticks or shut the shed door. Or, weeded the bricks. And another side note, the reason my yard looks like that is because I spend every weekend cleaning the inside of the house.

See?

Clean house.

Okay. Back to my unkempt yard and my perfectly perfect wedding.

My bridesmaids went first. La dee da.

And then moi.

No one missed a beat. Grandpa Gary, the meticulous Architect, made sure of that.

And then Benjamin walked me the rest of the way to my soon to be husband. The most beautiful, amazing man in the universe.

We’re not religious so Dale Ann delivered a non-denominational ceremony with prayers from various religions – Buddhism, Christianity and she even added a Native American prayer. And then we went ahead with our incredibly enjoyable formality.

Ben manned the video camera and fist pumps with some “Hell, yeahs!” at all of the right times.

Nathaneal took all of these amazing pictures.

Then the vows…

Then the candles…

Then the rings… or did they come before the candles? I can’t remember.

Then the kiss…

And finally the send off…

and more kisses

Then a toast.

A post party light saber, flower war.

And a very, very happy group of guests.

I’ll post more pictures when I can to the photo album.

xoxo

Wish you all could have been there, too. You were in my heart.

P.S. Our total wedding cost was $40 for the pizza we ordered after… hell, yeah! We’re still planning on a party in Athens in the Fall, but until then the children can sleep easy.

The three types of love.

mssinglemama — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 01:30:54 +0000

This is a must watch.

Helen Fisher’s TED talk will enlighten you on a few things including why we can feel love for two men at once. And, you must stick around until the end for her opinion on anti-depressants.

I really, really, really want to hear your opinion on this. Please leave them in the comments.

Where did my baby go?

mssinglemama — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 16:45:30 +0000

Look at him.

Can you believe how big he is? In his too short pants. Had to buy him new pants yesterday. He’s outgrown every single pair. I read a saying from another mom once that went something like this, “The days are slow, but the years are fast.”

And he is playing Angry Birds. Hence the angry face.

Also, Benjamin was labeled a “high energy” kid by his teachers in Kindergarten. After several consultations with the pros we found out that he does not have ADD, he has an intense sensitivity to sugar. I took all of the sugar out of his diet and – poof – the kid is a changed man. He still has his moments, but his teacher is astounded at the difference. We didn’t have a heavy sugar diet at all beforehand, but if you read labels on everything you’ll see there is sugar in so much of what we eat. It’s been over a month now and he’s totally on board. He doesn’t beg and throw fits for sugar. He just knows he feels better without it.

The book that led us to this revelation is here.

Pinterest Rocks

mssinglemama — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 12:06:59 +0000

Follow my Single Mom boards on Pinterest

NOTE: I just discovered Pinterest and will be adding to these as I go. But we can file away everything we find that inspires us, motivates us or pushes our fashion senses. Just click on the links to follow my boards or follow me to find everything I pin.

Single Mom Blogs Board
I have a running list of single mom blogs on this board, the best of the best and those who are still writing. So many of the single mom bloggers I used to know are off and married now. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

Single Mom Inspiratio n Board
I will put everything here that inspires me in hopes that it will inspire you or lift your spirits.

Sexy Mama Fashion Board
Fashion is so important to single moms, as many of us are re-inventing or re-discovering ourselves. I, personally, buy one or two staple pieces a season and find everything else in thrift stores. But I love what I find on Pinterest because it inspires how I throw it all together. Lots of layering, accessories and too many shoes.

I have lots of boards, you can find them all and follow whatever. Just wanted to share! Totally addicted already and love the way you can file and organize all of your favorite things.

Kissing in front of the kids (gasp).

mssinglemama — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 16:17:25 +0000

I know I will get blasted for this one. But, whatever, bring on the hate. This is reality, this is love and this is modern parenthood. We both put our children first and care about them more than anything in the world. What’s the most amazing of all is how much we have all fallen in love with each other.

————

One of our hugs leads to a kiss.

When we open our eyes all three are staring up at us. Their heads tilted upwards and smiles spread across their faces. All of them, beaming the purest form of happiness. Collectively they look like a little cheering section for love.

I can’t grab a camera this moment will be over in a second. I just have to take it all in, studying their faces, studying his, little hands cover little mouths as they stifle giggles, “Look, they are kissing! Look!!! Heee heee.”

I’m not even surprised that we are all here because it feels like it’s been waiting for us all along.

It’s the first time they’ve actually seen us kissing. They are also seeing, for the first time, their parents absolutely and totally in love, and the beginning of a happy and fulfilling relationship.We smile and then stop and split up our hug to get back to our hide and seek game.

Later in the car, he says, “Do you know how amazing it is that our kids will get to see a relationship from the start?”

“You’re right! They’ll get to see everything.”

“Yep, the good, the bad and the awesome,” he says smiling.

“They’ll be awesome at dating.” I rest my head back in the seat, closing my eyes for a minute to imagine all three of them as adults with very realistic views about relationships. Or hoping, I suppose. But they’re off to a good start.

What makes a healthy and positive relationship for your children to witness:

Love, yes, but that’s just the start.
Healthy communication. Let them hear you work through dilemmas with your partner. Little dilemmas, like where to put the new fish tank the nanny bought. Let them hear you laughing and enjoying each other. Let them see you expressing physical expression – but only if they are comfortable with that, which leads to #3
Allow and ask the children to share their opinion. A great way to do this if they are young (like ours – who are 5, 5 and 7) – is asking them to draw pictures of what makes them sad, happy, angry or mad. Also, you can ask them to write their feelings in a journal. The point is to let them express themselves freely without judgement or sadness expressed from you. You are the parent, it is your job to comfort, soothe, listen and embrace whatever it is they need to say. How you respond to their feelings is up to you – but, I would do whatever it would take to make sure you are in fact, responding. Even if that means ending the relationship. This isn’t about you, it’s about them. First and foremost, and always. Also, if your boyfriend reacts negatively to any expression of feelings from your child that may be negative toward him or about an ex of yours, get rid of him.
No shouting, screaming, yelling or fighting between parents or partners. This should go without saying, but I’m saying it anyway – to make sure you know that’s not okay (even if your parents did it).
No abuse of any kind. None. Never, ever, ever, no matter what. Another one that should go without saying, but unfortunately some of us are involved in relationships that include: physical abuse, drug abuse, or emotional abuse. When you are dating someone – find out if they have any drug, physical or emotional abuse issues in their past before you become involved. Ask them “So, are you open to therapy?” I hear so many times about men who would never go to a therapist if their life depended on it. Drop them like flies, especially if they have issues. And do it before you become attached. When you are in an abusive relationship, your child will be a victim as well.
Don’t hop back and forth between boyfriends. An ex is an ex is an ex. Leave him in ex-land. I learned this the hard way last year with John. By rekindling our relationship last year, it confused Benjamin. Now he still thinks that the Mr. will be leaving one day. It’s heartbreaking that my son has baggage due to my baggage, that I wasn’t strong enough to just let that relationship end when it had.
Never forget that the children are in the relationship, too. A relationship between adults shouldn’t feel forced and a relationship between children and a potential step parent shouldn’t feel forced either. For all five of us, everything is as natural as can be. We also have very similar parenting styles, which makes it a lot easier. And again, we are incredibly respectful and conscious of the children and their emotions about it all.
Watch the kids. Are they acting out in school? Are they just saying they are happy, or are they really happy? A child just wants you to be happy and could put on a happy face while inside they are not. Look to behavior for hints of their true emotions.

Like you, your children will know when you find the right one–when you find the best kind of love. They’ll know it’s worth every minute of everything that came before, but protecting them from as much of that pain as possible is a must.

Do you have any opinions about the above? I know some of you will and I encourage you to share them.

And then there were three…

mssinglemama — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 02:11:19 +0000

And I absolutely love them all.

The Mr. and I were talking today about blending families. From our initial digging on Amazon, it doesn’t look like there are very many books on the subject for modern single parents.

Any others out there becoming step-parents or blending families with young children? Tips or advice? Or what questions do you have about it all? Let’s start the discussion here… and see where it takes us. I’m thinking another Website entirely could be in order. Maybe with both his and my perspectives?

On the other side…

mssinglemama — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 00:29:47 +0000

It is our second date.

Our first date after our coffee date. So, in my mind, this is our first real date. I am wearing my favorite gray Calvin Klein dress. It’s just short enough, but not too short and hits mid thigh. To keep off the Fall chill I’m wearing my light brown suede jacket and–because I can–my pre-Benjamin stiletto booties.

I am proud of myself for picking out an outfit so quickly, considering how daunting it had been to get dressed before the coffee date.

He texts me that he is parked around the corner, behind the bushes, where I know Benjamin can’t spot him. I kiss Benjamin good-bye, wish the sitter good luck and dash out the door. Per the sound and logical advice of my girlfriends, we have waited four days to see each other again. But, it has felt like weeks. Typically four days would be nothing for me, a splash in the water, nothing. But on each night we’ve spend hours on the phone talking and each night, I’ve woken up at 3:00 or 4:00 AM wide awake with anticipation.

“This is nuts,” I tell myself every morning when I wake up, not even tired.

“This is crazy, isn’t is?” says Meg Ryan.

“No, that’s what’s so crazy about it,” says Rosie.

That line from Sleepless in Seattle makes sense now and every obnoxious jilted love song on the radio doesn’t. What are those people even wasting their time on? It should just make sense from the start and always.

One night I tell him, “I haven’t talked to a boy on the phone for this long since middle school.”

He laughs. I love his laugh and notice that I can produce it easily. But then I wonder, does he talk to all of the girls this much? When I ask him this he pauses, taken aback, and says, “No. I don’t talk to all of the girls this much.”

Suddenly, I feel ashamed for asking in such an accusatory way and realize that was my baggage speaking for me. I make a mental note and in the future, when the time is right, I apologize to him. His response is completely accepting, “Sweetheart, that’s okay – you have every right to be cautious, you’ve been hurt before. You don’t owe me any apologies.” He accepts me, baggage and all.

In this moment as I’m walking and not trying to run, as I’m trying to look cool and calm and not utterly petrified as I turn the corner into the bushes, I try to forget about my baggage. When I see his face, it all melts away. My nerves, my anxiety. The only thing left is a peaceful contentment.

“Hi,” he says with a smile before he scoops me up into a hug, “How are you?”

“Better now,” I say.

He pulls the door open for me. I thank him quietly, feeling awkward, as I always have when men show me chivalry. When we start driving I look down at my hands and they’re shaking in my lap. The nerves are back.

“I’m sorry,” I say, “but I’m so nervous right now. I go out on a lot of dates. This is not like me, at all.”

“Me, too!” he says, “I’ve been totally nervous all day. And no, I’m not normally like this with all the girls.”

We laugh and then I snap my head into the back seat. Something has caught my eye. Something pink. With a full view, I see it’s the pink arm of a car booster seat. And then I see the other blue seat on the other side. Two car seats. Empty, of course, but I can imagine them there while he’s driving. Their awesome dad with his great big smile and his great big laugh and his great big heart.

Finally on the other side of the dating single parent spectrum, I blurt out, “Now, that is hot.”

He laughs again and I say, “No, really, you have no idea.”

“Oh, I definitely do.”

—–

On another night three months later, we were still laughing just like we were on that first, second date… and taking goofy pictures.

My caption for this one is “My big, giant New Year’s gnome.”

Still haven’t decided on a name for him, but your feedback is simmering and baking. Thank you for that and for sticking with my totally boring blog, as it has become a love nest. But, hooray for love and damn the torpedoes.

What is your single mom manifesto?

mssinglemama — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 13:48:56 +0000

Remember the single mom manifesto project?

I sent three of these out to over 150 of you and not one as returned.

I’m so sad about that, but I understand knowing that we are all busy and it seemed like a far fetch that we could pull it off. Or maybe they were lost in the mail…

Either way, I am still in love with the idea of gathering all of your declarations of your principles, the foundations you hold dear as a single mother – and then making them public. Sharing your story for others. What drives you? What guides you? The manifesto is all about you and what you believe.

The definition of Manifesto from Wikipedia – a manifesto is a public declaration of principles and intentions, often political in nature. Manifestos relating to religious belief are generally referred to as creeds. Manifestos may also be life stance-related.

I wrote mine in the books and sent it off. I had photos and everything. If you want to contribute your manifesto… write yours, scan it digitally (you can use the Pro Scanner app on your smart phone) and then upload it to my Facebook page as a photo – if you prefer to be more anonymous – email yours to mssinglemama@gmail.com with the subject line MANIFESTO. Everyone who submits one will then receive a password for a FREE Ms. Single Mama Uncensored eBook!

Sound good? Leave comments with questions if you have any. And Merry Christmas!!! Love you my Mamas.

My apologies to NYC.

mssinglemama — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 23:27:10 +0000

I have an apology to make to New York City.

I am sorry for doubting you and jumping to conclusions after my last visit.

I’m not sure what happened, maybe it was the hot weather (100+) and the wrong neighborhood choice (Times Square), but this time I had a completely different experience. We were in Greenpoint, a Polish neighborhood in Brooklyn, where my sister, Anna, and her husband, Ryan, are living until he finishes law school.

The first night Benjamin woke up and started puking. He had the flu, most certainly and unavoidably. And there we all were the next day, on Thanksgiving, staring at each other and wondering in horror when we would all start doing the same. That got old after the first hour so we proceeded as planned and Anna and Ryan made a delicious Thanksgiving Feast.

On Friday morning, having managed to keep it all down, we woke up thinking we had narrowly avoided Benjamin’s flu and we headed ou to Union Square.

We handed the camera to Benjamin in the subway and he took this one of us… (I LOVE it).

Things were going well at that point. But as soon as we got there, the man who has yet to be named (vote on his nickname at the end of the post) started feeling it.

You can see the pain in his face in this picture. Trying. To. Hold. On.

In the meantime, Anna and I kept playing with Benjamin. With one down, we knew we couldn’t be far off. We should have quarantined ourselves, I know. You are all going to yell at me when you see us out in public, poisoning the air of New York City.

But at the time, we felt fine.

And you know that big shiny thing is covered with everyone’s germs anyway. Because who can really stay cramped up in those teeny, tiny little NYC apartments for very long? Definitely not this guy.

But after the slide… Mr. Yet to Be Named retreated back to the apartment with Benjamin, who still wasn’t 100%.

Being a dad himself means he is completely and absolutely awesome at the kid stuff. So, Anna and I stayed back for some shopping and some one-on-one sister time.

She took me to all of her favorite places. And we imagined what it would be like to actually live in the same city. One day. Not yet, but one day. Or at least, the same nursing home. If we don’t end up together again some day I won’t consider my life complete.

Because she’s my sister soul mate.

We spent a lot of time talking about the ironies of relationships past and the joys of relationships present and how, clearly, I should be fired from writing a blog about relationships. You all know why, she knows why, I know why – because I so adamantly insisted everyone should settle and persuaded myself that John was it for me.

“Don’t say that!” I said. “I shouldn’t be fired, it’s my blog. I can’t fire myself from writing about my life.”

“You’re right. It’s your blog,” she added, “and you’ve always said that. You’ve always said that you’re just writing about your experiences, not anyone else’s. And it’s your perspective.”

After a few more hours of shopping Anna and I started feeling it.

We had received word from the apartment that both Ryan and Mr. ? were officially losing it from all exits. We grabbed some Gatorade, Pepto and went home, dreading our impending doom. And sure enough, with a mother’s timing, it hit me just minutes after I tucked Benjamin into bed.

But at least the little shit was happy the entire time.

And in the midst of it all, Mr ? did not complain, not once. We all just took it and still managed to have fun – because we were with each other. And for that, I was incredibly thankful. But again, it appears, NYC and I have an ill-fated relationship. We’ll be back again, soon enough… in the meantime, what should my man’s name be? See pictures of him (when he’s not about to puke) here in my latest photo album.

So, let’s name him.

Leave a comment with your idea or if you like any of these, say so in the comments. Here are my favorites:

1. The Dude – because he is the dude. He is a singer/songwriter, rides a Harley, is tall, dark and handsome and all kinds of sexy, but at the same time he is absolutely gentle, sweet and kind.

2. Mr. Single Dad

3. TDH (for Tall, Dark and Handsome)

4. Mr. Mr. (I don’t know why, but I like this one)

I have thought of all of the cliche names like Mr. Right, Mr. Prince Charming, but they just don’t fit.

As always, I have total veto power because it’s my blog. Muh-ha-ha-ha… but haven’t decided on any of these yet. So fire away.