“If everything works out with John, Benjamin won’t know a time when he wasn’t around.”

As my therapist’s words sink in the last three years of my life flash through my mind; from the beginning when I packed everything up and moved into my mother’s, to the quiet nights at her house in the woods wondering and wishing myself away and back to some semblance of independence and then to the moment when Benjamin and I stepped into our own sweet, little apartment – ready to begin our new life.

What followed is all here, on this blog in my eBook, or safe in my mind.

I sit on her couch, staring off into a painting on the wall as I try to grasp this idea of him not remembering anything before John Bear. The memories wash over me – the adventures big and small – like the time we were yelled at by a hair salon owner or the countless grocery store trips that typically ended in knock down drag out tantrums. Then there were the big adventures like trips to find Joshua Trees

or deep forests and mountain coves in Vancouver.

And smaller adventures like hours of puddle jumping for no reason

or sweating it out on a hot summer day in August to hear our future president, a man also raised by a single mom, speak to us from about twenty feet away.

or chasing bunnies with Sydney.

Now, looking back, it is these moments – the moments when I forced myself out of the house with him, braving the book store, the library, the festivals, the camping trips and the road trips all by myself, trying to fill the time – that are the best memories I have of the two of us.

Memories of the moments when we both forgot where we were or when we just took our time

because we didn’t have anywhere else to be.

“So they’ll all be gone? He won’t remember a thing?” I ask my therapist or, as I fondly call her, Wonder Woman. She’s helping me to straighten out my trust issues and to figure out why, in the past, I had a pattern of choosing bad boys dysfunctional men.

“The emotions we all feel before the age of three are imprinted on our minds forever, but the actual memories are harder to keep so, no, he probably won’t remember any time that John wasn’t there. To Benjamin, he will have always been around.”

I am trying to see it as I typically would, to draw a clear line – a before and after, a then and now – but to me, meeting John and almost sensing that he was about to surface, was all part of one big transition for both Benjamin and I. Bringing John and Murphy into our lives is another family adventure but this time, we’re playing for keeps and we’re both falling.

Fortunately John is right there with us, helping us paddle the boat and proving his love through his actions over and over again. And even though part of me used to identify myself with being single, the fact is that, single or not I am still me and Benjamin is still Benjamin.

We’re just being introduced to some new things

and I am seeing expressions on his face and witnessing feelings I didn’t know he had in him

They seem so obvious now. A game, cracker jacks, a helmet filled with ice cream.

Love from a man who knows how to love.

“That’s okay,” I tell Wonder Woman, “I am happy and Benjamin is happy, that’s exactly what I’ve wanted all along. We’re just growing, making room for even more love – it doesn’t replace the love that already existed.” But that doesn’t mean I won’t be sneaking Benjamin off for a few more solo adventures or two.

In fact, I’ve been savoring our moments alone even more now. Not that we don’t like having John Bear around – we adore him (and so does Wonder Woman, by the way) – but this entire experience, of growing your heart and your family at the same time is something you need to take slowly. And while things have been speeding up as of late, while there is more and more talk of what is coming and as magnificent as it all sounds, it’s not perfect. Nothing is ever perfect. But, I can tell you, it’s a hell of a lot easier when you have a good, strong man there to catch you – a man who you know would never do or say anything to hurt you.

As for the imperfections, there are all kinds of things coming into play. My ex, for example, is becoming more and more agitated by Benjamin’s affectionate talk of this “John Bear.” We are also trying to learn how to co-parent… all other stories for another day, but for now I have a prize to give away.

[UPDATE: Just added photos from the baseball game to the bottom of my Recently Photo Album]

Single Mom Adventure Prize Pack

I don’t know why but I keep getting contacted by companies offering prizes too good to resist… maybe they’ll slow up soon enough but until then, let’s all have some fun and ride the contest wave, shall we? This one is particularly awesome…

Prize #1: A Shutterfly Photo Book

I spent most of this afternoon sorting through old pictures of Benjamin. I’m collecting them all to add to my set of Shutterfly photo books. The company contacted me asking if I’d be interested in some free samples (full disclosure). I said, “Sure, but only if my readers can have some too.” And guess what? They did. I have a few copies to give away!

I don’t know about you but I’m in love with photo print books because the pictures aren’t going to fade, get lost, separated from the album, etc. And Shutterfly books are surprising affordable and they have a big sale going on right now too. (They didn’t tell me to say that, by the way. No one ever tells me to say anything about their product because if they did I’d tell to go bug off).

Prize #2: A copy of Sole Mate by Lauren Mackler

I was reading Sole Mate: Mastering the Art of Aloneness when I met John. The author, a single mother, who had to move back to the U.S. from Europe with her two grown children after her marriage fell apart, is truly inspiring. I love this book and highly recommend it to everyone, even those of us in happy relationships.

How to enter:

The contest is open until Monday, September 14th. Just leave a comment telling me about one of your favorite adventures as a single mom and consider yourself entered.

Related posts:

1. My Kick Ass Christmas Contest!
2. Trippin’, Part 1

Do you know yourself? I can’t say that I truly do … yet. But I’m getting a bit closer – thanks to Tim Chard. A man who commented on a post I wrote months ago, titled “Do I Need Therapy?” At the time I had started pushing Kris away…I was acting bitchy, demanding and closing myself off from him intimately. And I didn’t know why.

I stopped and told myself, “if you do this, you’re nuts. Because there is no reason not to be with him right now. He’s perfect!”

I was chatting with my best friend about it and she suggested therapy as an option. After all, since my divorce (technically one year ago but coming close on two since the separation) I had been dating steadily but after a few weeks – I would drop them like flies. Done and done! See ya! Now, granted, they weren’t the right ones…however, there was a pattern. That pattern being that I was scared of something…of commitment.

So here I was letting my irrational fears get the best of me at the risk of losing a sweet, adoring boyfriend who meant the world to me. So in my “Do I need therapy?” post I explained my fear of commitment and my fear of losing someone. And then I asked – do therapists make house calls? And then Tim showed up. He started commenting and I felt like he was reading my mind.

What he said has had me looking at myself and my emotions differently ever since. And as you know – Kris and I are still happily together. And any issues we may have in the future won’t (if I can help it) be due to irrational fears.

Here’s a synopsis of what unfolded:

Tim: I would say from reading your comments that you haven’t really stopped in your life to ask yourself about yourself. It might sound silly but taking ‘time out’ can help. For this to be beneficial you need to be alone. No kids, no relatives, friends etc. You also need some time. If a few days is out of the question then how about 1/2 – 1 an hour a day for a week. Ask yourself these questions? What do I fear? Who do I love? List your top 5 for both. But don’t post them. No one needs to see them. When you have done that, you will be ready for step two.

Me: My fears are deep. My fears about the future…about losing someone else. About how my son will judge our situation in the future. How do you come to terms with your fears? I wrote the lists. The fears came quickly. The people I loved the most were harder.

Tim: Fears, (my def: a lack of knowledge) can be overcome by gaining knowledge. It is impossible to gain knowledge of the future but we can lay a very good foundation to enable us to control it. Fear is one of the biggest contributors to mental exhaustion. e.g. Fear of not making enough money to survive, fear of not being able to achieve goals, fear of losing loved ones. Understanding our fears reveals so much about our emotional state that we can then take the steps to be emotionally in control.

As far as the love list, If you were not at the top of that list, then it would be difficult to love others. Write your list again and put yourself at the top. After writing that list, write another with all the reasons why you love yourself.

Love, (my def: The desire to please.) is the most important factor in being able to move ahead in life whether just get to tomorrow or to reach a goal in 5 years. Before you can please anyone else you must please yourself. If you do not love yourself you cannot love your son.

(This shocked me at first – and then I realized he was right!)

Obviously you must love your son and so you have love for yourself, but I believe that people in general don’t know enough about themselves in this crazy fast paced world to love enough. Your son will judge your situation based on how you handle it. While no one is in a position to tell you how to deal with it, being objective in handling it is a good place to start. Having empathy for your son will reveal many answers also…you see, as your son gets older and begins making choices of his own, he will remember ways that you dealt with situations and he will replicate those. So remember that blaming another is a good excuse for not taking responsibility.

If you only know 10 % of yourself, how can you expect to know more than 10 % of another person? Relationships of any kind are bound by rules. If a man was to try and get to know you and you only know a little about yourself, he can only have a relationship with the little he knows of you. If you turn that around, would you be interested in a having a relationship with anyone if you knew that you could only get to know 10% or even 50% of that person. It would not be wise. We often hide the worst till last.

The reason you need lists is for evaluation. Each time you write a list it will change. Note these changes to yourself. Recognizing yours fears is the first step to addressing them, by gaining knowledge. A dark room is scary until we turn the light on.

There’s much more – believe it or not. These are just nuggets. He also mentioned my fear of death, grief and loss… read the entire comment thread here…

I’m bringing this up again because his tips on self-exploration have truly had an affect on me. Immediately after these comments from Tim it was like a light turned on. With my son, with Kris and most importantly with myself.

Since then I have felt more comfortable in my own skin as I’m trying to discover who I am again. Having a child alone is enough to lead any woman to lose touch with herself – and being a single mom on top of that … well, we might even have it a bit easier. Because at night when the kids are asleep it is just us … all on our own. And my fear of being alone … that one has all but disappeared. I guess I’m not scared of myself anymore.

Tim has started his own website – it’s a work in progress…and he also has book on emotions in the works. Please check it out. If you have any questions you’d like to ask him – contact him here.

[Photo is from the new HBO Show, In Treatment]

Related posts:

1. Do I need therapy?
2. A Christmas miracle…I got to go to the grocery…alone.
3. One step back…two steps forward?

My best friend, who’s also a single mother, told me yesterday that I should probably be in therapy. I have no problems with therapy. I think it works wonders for people and has for me in the past. But how will I manage the time it will take to go – and let alone find a decent therapist?

So here’s my list of what I need therapy for.

1. My father died of cancer when he was just 51, I was 21. My mother is still nuts over it and my siblings and I are constantly wracked with guilt over what we have or have not been doing to either help her to wellness or ease her pain. (She refuses to go to therapy).
2. My now ex-husband failed Benjamin and I but still blames me to this day for the divorce.
3. I am a bit of a chronic dater. Is this wrong? Why am I doing it? Why do I get bored with men so quickly? Is it really because I’m deathly afraid that my man will either die on me or leave me?
4. I am trying to raise a child by myself. That’s enough to drive anyone over the edge. I have been alone for so long that I just don’t even know how to let anyone in.

Is it in my best interest to try to sort some of these things out with a professional? Probably. Could I find one who could make house calls?

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