by mssinglemama on May 31, 2009
This morning I woke up before Benjamin, wondering…
The sun light fell on my face, peeking through my dark bamboo blinds - my blinds in my room. I enjoyed the silence and basked in the thought that tomorrow I would be reporting to myself, no one else. Then I wondered how I got here. I am not unique. I am not special. I may be driven and tireless but each of us has this power - the power to change our circumstances or surroundings if we set our mind in that direction.
Just two years ago I was plotting an escape from my marriage, not knowing if or when I’d have my own bedroom again. Leaving my husband took guts - some say - but to me it just seemed like a survival mechanism. That’s exactly how I feel now. There are things happening out there in this big vast space we call the World Wide Web and sometimes you can move through those waters faster solo. And besides… [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on March 3, 2009
My first memory is of toddling behind my mother along a dark hiking trail somewhere out West.
I must have been about Benjamin’s age.
A few hours earlier we had all split up. My father and some of my other siblings stayed on top of the trail while my mom and the rest of us went in. And now we were completely and utterly lost. In the quickly fading light all we had seen were the yellow buffalo crossing signs. Soon we spotted a road. We waited until a car drove by, flagged it down and hitched a ride back to the parking lot where my frantic father was waiting.
Some say your first vivid memory defines your personality.
Does this mean I’m lost? Or afraid? Sounds familiar.
But I’m finding my way. I’m finding it through the eyes of my son, the most amazing thing that could ever happen to someone fearful of love is finding someone who loves you unconditionally. And through him I’m learning how to let someone love me.
On our trip we didn’t get lost. Not once.
And all along the way I couldn’t help but wonder which one of the memories will be his first.
Seeing his first plane
or riding on one?
Or will it be his second flight when the raisin snacks from the first flight gave him a vicious poop attack? (Thanks mommy). Poor kid was screaming his brains out. Luckily the nice man sitting next to us was beyond accommodating. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on February 24, 2009
“Waste some money on this honey,” a man said as I whisked through the automatic doors on a mission to find Benjamin plane toys and a new car seat.
His buddy laughed.
“Were they just talking to me?” I asked myself silently. Then I looked up and around and I realized I’d just walked into the wrong Wal-Mart.
A few years ago, a girl about my age had been followed home from a store very near this one and then stuffed into the trunk of her car before her assailants set it on fire. My gut instinct was to turn around immediately but I didn’t.
“No. I am going to stay. I have to face this,” I thought.
I took off my new leather gloves and hid them in my purse, hoping it would help me blend in. But I couldn’t hide everything else. My nice hair cut. My fresh smell. My make up. My warm coat.
In the snack aisle a pregnant woman was scowling into her cell phone while her friend was shouting something to whoever was on the other end. Her son sat in the cart watching. An old woman walked by but I couldn’t find a smile in her eyes, only a rigid stare, one I imagined she’d fortified over years of shopping in stores like this one. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on February 23, 2009
What happened:
Event 1: Benjamin and I are invited to a baptism. It’s his first time in a church. I’m worried we will spontaneously combust upon entering. Unfortunately, we don’t.
Event 2: Shortly after the baptism begins and at the most inopportune moment, Benjamin runs on a church pew in his new and very loud cowboy boots.
Event 3: Three people sit on that same pew two minutes later. They are small people and also happen to be the parents of the baby being baptised.
Event 4: The pew splits down the middle with a loud - CRACK.
Event 5: As soon as the exit is clear, I drag Benjamin out of there. No more church for us, that’s for sure.
The moral dilemma:
Do I call the church and offer to pay for the church pew?
I feel really, really bad. And yes, I know, my son is hard to control. He’s just as feisty as his mother. Clearly we need to spend more time in quiet places…
Oh, like say, on an AIRPLANE.
For a CROSS COUNTRY FLIGHT to California.
I am petrified. Completely and totally.
Travel tips from seasoned parents would be appreciated.
by mssinglemama on February 19, 2009
I passed the 72 hour mark today.
I know it’s far from over. But I have to do this for Benjamin and for myself.
I have no excuses anymore. Life is easy now compared to then. The road is smooth and there’s not much to fear on the other side.
I just wish I had more chocolate in the house.
Today I ate three giant donuts, half a bag of edamame, half of a mediterranean pizza and half of Benjamin’s chicken nuggets (he made me buy them and then only ate one). I’ve also spent the entire evening scouring through cook books trying to pick new meals to brew up. I just can’t wait to taste something else with my new smoke free taste buds.
I’m just hoping my ass looks somewhat normal by the time this is all said and done. I could stand to gain a few pounds though. I hate being this skinny. It reminds me of the stress. My cheeks are actually supposed to be more fluffy. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on February 18, 2009
I haven’t had a cigarette in 48 hours.
Feel free to cheer me on. I need it. Because on the inside this is how I feel:
Also on my list of shit that’s really messing with me:
- Benjamin is sick as hell. He’s had a fever for three days. Now I’m feeling sick.
- I had to work from home today. Huge projects due. I’m frustrated. Wishing I could do it all and knowing I can’t.
- I just opened iPhoto and realized that I lost over one month of photos including tons of pictures of Benjamin. At least my favorites are on Flickr, but still, this is not cool.
I apologize for my griping.
But I really am completely pre-occupied right now. Can’t lie. If you’re looking for an awesome question to ponder check out my latest post for WeTV on the things I would never do. I’m really curious to hear yours.
I hope smoking is on your list. And I promise to be back at it and in better spirits within the next 48 hours.
Speaking of smoking - what are your vices? We all have them don’t we?
by mssinglemama on January 28, 2009
I like to call Benjamin my hero.
Because he is. This little guy is my guy and my reason for doing all that I do, day in and day out. I wouldn’t have it any other way because at the end of every little storm he’s there waiting with a big sloppy kiss. But lately I can’t help but notice that Benjamin is growing up on me.
Today we had a snow day. My office, his school - both closed. Before I found out our office was closing I sent my co-workers this e-mail, thought I would share…
Benjamin has a snow day - that means I have to take one with him.
HA HA - SUCKERS!!!! Having kids is great - you should all go out and make one immediately!
I’m so professional. I love it. Not sure if anyone in my office found that e-mail as funny as I did, but it had me laughing for a good two minutes. I am such a dork for admitting that and sharing it. Please don’t make fun of me. And to all of my co-workers - thanks for putting up with me all of the time. I know I can be a pain in the ass.
After a morning and afternoon inside Benjamin and I finally broke through the ice sheet over my door and hopped outside to get to work.
While I shoveled (finally found one in my garage) Benjamin used his push cart to clear snow up and down the drive way. And while I heated up the car he spent a few minutes scraping the ice off of his form of transportation.
He’s also cleaning up after himself, serving himself juice, even helping me find things. But he still throws tantrums and needs tons of cuddling. It must be an odd place for a little man - on the verge of discovering so much.
Today while surfing through my archives I found this post - Prince Charming Can Kiss My Ass - it’s a little testament to Benjamin’s creation. Something you should read if you missed it… short but sweet and, as always, filled with some thought provoking questions.
—–
And also, two of my dearest single parent blogging friends would appreciate a second or two of your time. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on January 16, 2009
There’s nothing more surreal than seeing your friend in People Magazine.
Okay, I’m sure being in People would be even more surreal. But still opening it up this morning and seeing Matt, Liz and Madeline was quite an experience. All of this is overwhelming Matt (but in a good way).
Matt and I will be seeing each other again very soon… so excited! More details on that to come. And at the end of February I’m taking Benjamin along with me to the Los Angeles so he can meet Maddie. He’s a big fan of blondes so I think it will be love at first sight.
Go pick up today’s issue if you haven’t already.
And if you have a moment check out the Liz Logelin Foundation website (just went live today) where you can make a donation using PayPal or post one of the Foundation’s badges on your blog. The proceeds will go to young widows or widowers with children.
Can’t think of a better cause and it’s all for the love of Liz. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on January 5, 2009
I’ve been caught up in life.
It happens.
But lately it hasn’t really been my life I’ve been caught up in.
—–
First there’s that Matt guy - one of the most incredible people I’ve ever met.
There’s a reason why his blog has touched the hearts of hundreds and thousands… he is the real deal - a hero in his own right. The ultimate father, the ultimate husband, the ultimate human being.
I spent Saturday night making this video… and as I dug for pictures of Liz in Matt’s Flickr account the tears welled up in my eyes, the lump in my throat. I wished I wasn’t making it at all. I wished none of us even knew him - just so he and Madeline could have her back again. Why is life so damn cruel? And why do the worst things always happen to the best people?
On Thursday night Matt and I were eating at a very odd late night cafe in Chicago.
“It won’t ever go away,” I told him, “It will just turn into this massive scar or like a third arm or something that you have to carry around all of the time. But no one else will ever be able to see it, that’s the shitty part.”
He just nodded. Those beautiful eyes of his filled with the kind of pain no one should have to feel.
Between sporadic conversations about death - a subject I’m all too familiar with - we just had fun, pure fun.
Here’s Matt and my buddy Luke in the back of Jessica’s car. A single mom’s car… we thought it was funny.
Chicago is grand. Matt is grand. And I think, on some twisted and fucked up level, we are kindred spirits. I’ve actually been quite high on that fact for a few days now.
Making new friends is a very, very good thing.
So is traveling.
And there will be more of both in the very near future.
—-
After pulling in from Chicago I spent a few hours in my apartment and then dashed over to Mia’s.
No longer playing Monopoly or roller skating in her basement, we were sitting in her very adult living room while her daughter slept upstairs talking about how in the hell she is going to get through this.
The pain Mia is experiencing is so familiar, yet so distant. Mine didn’t cheat on me but he hurt me… some men leave their women for another woman, others stay and ram it into their heads day after day. My words didn’t help much but I felt my presence would.
So I slept on her couch. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on December 24, 2008
‘Twas the night before Christmas in the Single Mom’s House.
Benjamin opened his first present this morning, a gigantic Mickey Mouse doll. I found it at the thrift store so I figured - why not? After jumping up and down like a maniac he told me to turn it on. Upon discovering that Mickey did not talk he threw him down the basement stairs.
And that my friends, is what Christmas is all about.
Hopes and dreams for a talking Mickey Mouse, only to be dashed by the hard reality that he’s just stuffed with fluff. I’m not sure when we’ll open the rest of his presents, but I hope they’re better received. We could do something generous like take all of his old toys to the Salvation Army but the flu has completely side swiped us. This is Day 4. I’m waiting to see if he pukes up his breakfast, and if not — we are going to brave the voyage to Grandma’s house. [click to continue…]
