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Losing you has been quite the gain…

mssinglemama — Thu, 24 May 2012 02:28:04 +0000

So, a few weeks ago we had a house guest…

Courtney Patton, one of Seth’s many Twitter connections. From Texas and in town for a convention, all the way up North, here in Ohio, she came to our door with an armful of sunflowers and wine. But we skipped the wine and went straight for the tequila.

I fell in love with her instantly and then, as she and Seth pulled out their guitars, fell in love with this song – the best break up song, ever, ever, ever and ever. Courtney is also a single mother and this song is absolutely amazing.

It’s so new it doesn’t have a name. Can you suggest a few names? Courtney is reading.

Find her elsewhere on all of her virtual spaces:

Courtney’s Website
On Facebook
On Twitter
And on Kickstarter, where she’s raising $ to record an album. You can fund her dream a bit. You can pay as little as $1.00. If you donate $10.00 you get a free download of the album when it comes out. And… you can help one single mama achieve her dream. As I write, Courtney has raised $8,173 and is less than $2,000 away from her goal of $10,000. If she doesn’t meet her goal, you get your money back. How awesome is that?

P.S.

If you want to hear one of Seth’s songs, click here. Also amazing. What a fun night that was… us single parents know how to appreciate it all. What we have. Not worry about what we’ve lost. That’s when you cross over into the light and find peace again.

Respect RX

Kissing in front of the kids (gasp).

mssinglemama — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 16:17:25 +0000

I know I will get blasted for this one. But, whatever, bring on the hate. This is reality, this is love and this is modern parenthood. We both put our children first and care about them more than anything in the world. What’s the most amazing of all is how much we have all fallen in love with each other.

————

One of our hugs leads to a kiss.

When we open our eyes all three are staring up at us. Their heads tilted upwards and smiles spread across their faces. All of them, beaming the purest form of happiness. Collectively they look like a little cheering section for love.

I can’t grab a camera this moment will be over in a second. I just have to take it all in, studying their faces, studying his, little hands cover little mouths as they stifle giggles, “Look, they are kissing! Look!!! Heee heee.”

I’m not even surprised that we are all here because it feels like it’s been waiting for us all along.

It’s the first time they’ve actually seen us kissing. They are also seeing, for the first time, their parents absolutely and totally in love, and the beginning of a happy and fulfilling relationship.We smile and then stop and split up our hug to get back to our hide and seek game.

Later in the car, he says, “Do you know how amazing it is that our kids will get to see a relationship from the start?”

“You’re right! They’ll get to see everything.”

“Yep, the good, the bad and the awesome,” he says smiling.

“They’ll be awesome at dating.” I rest my head back in the seat, closing my eyes for a minute to imagine all three of them as adults with very realistic views about relationships. Or hoping, I suppose. But they’re off to a good start.

What makes a healthy and positive relationship for your children to witness:

Love, yes, but that’s just the start.
Healthy communication. Let them hear you work through dilemmas with your partner. Little dilemmas, like where to put the new fish tank the nanny bought. Let them hear you laughing and enjoying each other. Let them see you expressing physical expression – but only if they are comfortable with that, which leads to #3
Allow and ask the children to share their opinion. A great way to do this if they are young (like ours – who are 5, 5 and 7) – is asking them to draw pictures of what makes them sad, happy, angry or mad. Also, you can ask them to write their feelings in a journal. The point is to let them express themselves freely without judgement or sadness expressed from you. You are the parent, it is your job to comfort, soothe, listen and embrace whatever it is they need to say. How you respond to their feelings is up to you – but, I would do whatever it would take to make sure you are in fact, responding. Even if that means ending the relationship. This isn’t about you, it’s about them. First and foremost, and always. Also, if your boyfriend reacts negatively to any expression of feelings from your child that may be negative toward him or about an ex of yours, get rid of him.
No shouting, screaming, yelling or fighting between parents or partners. This should go without saying, but I’m saying it anyway – to make sure you know that’s not okay (even if your parents did it).
No abuse of any kind. None. Never, ever, ever, no matter what. Another one that should go without saying, but unfortunately some of us are involved in relationships that include: physical abuse, drug abuse, or emotional abuse. When you are dating someone – find out if they have any drug, physical or emotional abuse issues in their past before you become involved. Ask them “So, are you open to therapy?” I hear so many times about men who would never go to a therapist if their life depended on it. Drop them like flies, especially if they have issues. And do it before you become attached. When you are in an abusive relationship, your child will be a victim as well.
Don’t hop back and forth between boyfriends. An ex is an ex is an ex. Leave him in ex-land. I learned this the hard way last year with John. By rekindling our relationship last year, it confused Benjamin. Now he still thinks that the Mr. will be leaving one day. It’s heartbreaking that my son has baggage due to my baggage, that I wasn’t strong enough to just let that relationship end when it had.
Never forget that the children are in the relationship, too. A relationship between adults shouldn’t feel forced and a relationship between children and a potential step parent shouldn’t feel forced either. For all five of us, everything is as natural as can be. We also have very similar parenting styles, which makes it a lot easier. And again, we are incredibly respectful and conscious of the children and their emotions about it all.
Watch the kids. Are they acting out in school? Are they just saying they are happy, or are they really happy? A child just wants you to be happy and could put on a happy face while inside they are not. Look to behavior for hints of their true emotions.

Like you, your children will know when you find the right one–when you find the best kind of love. They’ll know it’s worth every minute of everything that came before, but protecting them from as much of that pain as possible is a must.

Do you have any opinions about the above? I know some of you will and I encourage you to share them.

New year. New job?

mssinglemama — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 21:06:55 +0000

Three years ago this May I quit my day job.

Some of you called me crazy, but most of you were cheering me on. I was “crazy” I guess. I left a solid career at a solid advertising agency during a recession to chase a dream of working for myself. Why? Because I was tired of trying to fit their rigid, corporate structure – and all of the bull that comes with it – into my life as a single mother. Try explaining 9-5 to a two year old who needs you more than anything in the world. And try explaining to a typical boss that motherhood is more important than their bottom line.

There was also the memory of my first boss and mentor walking out of our radio newsroom with a pile of boxes in his hands after he had been fired (for no good reason at all).

“Remember,” he said, “this is what they do to you after 16 years.” Watching him being forced to leave something he loved because he didn’t follow their rules was the most valuable lesson he every taught me.

There was also writing on the wall at my ad agency. They were trying to “accommodate” all of this “digital stuff.” Clearly they were missing the boat entirely and I was on their boat. It was the perfect time for me to break out on my own and seize an opportunity to offer my own clients what they clearly could not. Cement Marketing is the result. I work just as hard, but on my own schedule.

Even though I had a) motivation and b) a goal and a plan – it was still the most frightening thing I’d ever done (next to leaving my ex husband with a four month old). Funny how “leaving” things or “quitting” things that aren’t good for you can feel so right, isn’t it?

So many of you have asked me over the years to write about starting your own business as a single mom. I didn’t even know where to start… it would require another blog entirely. So, I turned to Jennifer Foss, aka Job Jenny. We met when we were both new single mom bloggers. Today, her website is bursting with resources and she’ll even help you re-design your resume and advise you on what career path you should choose.

I asked her to write about finding a new job in the new year…Limits Shmimits: On how I turned a potential disaster into a fresh career (and life) start.

By Jenny Foss
About eight years ago, I was enticed. Not by a man, mind you. Nope, I was enticed to make a fairly dramatic career shift  from corporate communications director to (drum roll…) recruiter.

That’s right. In late 2004, after many months of unrest and unfulfillment in a safe, well-paying corporate management role, I ditched to go learn how to be a headhunter, effectively cutting my base salary by about 2/3rds.

Yes, many questioned my sanity. Of course they did.

But I found it exhilarating. And frankly? Not very dangerous. At that time, I was a single working professional. No kids, not a lot of gun-to-your-head financial responsibility. What could possibly go wrong, right?

The answer to that smacked me in the head in the spring of 2005. Just as I began to get traction in my new (and demanding) profession, I found out that I was (quite unexpectedly) expecting. My long-term partner was stunned as well, to say the least.

I’ll spare everyone the agony of how the next several months unfolded, but the net result was my becoming a single mom in late 2005.

Here’s where the potential disaster comes in.

While I loved the field of recruiting, it was admittedly grueling keeping up with the demands of a recruiting agency, learning to be a mom AND performing to a level that kept a baby happy and commission checks rolling in the door.

Simply put, it sucked.

I’d come home from work in tears because I felt like I was doing everything half-assed, and getting nowhere in the process. I wanted to excel at both parenting and in my career, and I was floundering at both.

And this is when I realized I had but once choice: Reinvent, again.

This time, the reinvention didn’t involve a change in my chosen field, but it certainly was a big gamble: I decided to launch my own recruiting agency. Right there in the middle of my financial strain, emotional upheaval and uncertainly over how the hell to be a mom, I decided to launch a business.

Why?

I knew I’d lose my mind trying to be a great parent while keeping up with the demands of 9-5 employment.
I was hell-bent on earning an income that didn’t just keep our family afloat, but allowed us to THRIVE.
I wanted my daughter to be proud of her mom.
I’d just weathered an incredibly difficult life event, and needed to prove to myself I could do something amazing.

And so in late 2005, I announced my resignation from the “day job,” took out a loan that would keep us going for a few months, and I launched Ladder Recruiting Group, LLC.

And then I ran like hell. After three terrifying months, I closed my first deal, and never looked back.

In the five years that have followed:

I’ve met and married the most wonderful (and unlikely – he lived 2,800 miles away when I met him) man. (This, btw, I have Ms. Single Mama to thank for, but that’s an ENTIRELY different tale for another day);
I’ve launched a career coaching and resume writing business/blog (which you’ll find over at JobJenny.com); and
I’ve become really damned good at being both a mom and an entrepreneur (Most of the time. I screw it all up some days, I do.)

And so the moral of this story? I have four:

Don’t let life’s curveballs scare you into believing you can’t do big, daring things.
Show yourself, show your children, show the world what you’re made of.
Even small victories can give you momentum and audacity to pull off bigger wins. And,
Costco chicken pot pie and a bagged Caesar salad totally counts as a home-cooked dinner.

Go big in 2012, single mamas. You’ve got everything it takes to make this your year.

Jenny Foss operates an independent recruiting firm, Ladder Recruiting Group, and is creator of the blog JobJenny.com. Your job search BFF and tough love expert on finding career passion, Jenny is also the author of To Whom It May Concern: Or, How to Stop Sucking at Your Job Search. You may Jenny on Twitter @JobJenny.

I need a wife.

mssinglemama — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 02:09:21 +0000

There is a blog post here. In my head. But I don’t have time to write it.

Darn it.

I can’t believe I still have readers when I barely have time to write anymore. Such a bummer. But last week I hired a Business Manager and Client Services Director. My secret to success? Keep hiring people to make my work load lighter. So far, so good. Cement Marketing now has eight on the team (including myself). To put that in perspective, I had one employee in December of last year. Here’s a picture of our staff three weeks ago – we now have two more people who aren’t even in the picture.

Crazy, right? And FYI, that’s my little family up there. Although, I’m like the crazy, moody Mom in the family. ; )

Some housekeeping notes:

1. To all of you who pre-ordered your new leaf necklaces, my necklace designer says they are on the way. I’m waiting patiently just like you. As soon as I have them, I will mail them out. I only ordered 50 and I think we’re closing in on selling out – so if you haven’t gotten yours yet, snap it up. I am also working on silver. Hopefully by Christmas.

2. Has anyone seen the Single Mom’s Manifesto? Whatever happened to those three little books. I mailed them out over a year ago now, I think.

And just a diddy about the title of this post…

My mother is the one who first told me I needed a wife. And she is right. To all of the husbands who have stay at home wives who let you focus solely on work–cherish her and treat her like a queen.

Single Mom Question: We have chemistry, but…

mssinglemama — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 13:59:44 +0000

This one is from Jen, a single mom who has all of the chemistry a girl can dream of with man who is not financially responsible. Her question in a nutshell is – “We have this amazing chemistry, but what about his financial instability? Can I overlook that? And is this the last time I will have love?”

Sound familiar?

It does to me. My ex-husband was thrilling in the chemistry department, but soon all of that wore off when he couldn’t keep a job or a steady pay check. Dating a financially irresponsible man is one thing, it’s easy to overlook his situation but when you are legally bound and married – no way. Suddenly he loses a lot of his sex appeal. But, it is rare to find that kind of connection. The question is – what can you accept, what can you live with? If a financially irresponsible man isn’t a turn off, or if you don’t need a man for financial reasons at all (and if you don’t plan on marrying him) – why not?

This is a tough one.

Here’s Jen’s Single Mom dating question:

My “question” makes me think of a past relationship you wrote about…and lists. You wrote about a relationship where there were some things that you would not accept, and even though you appeared to have an amazing connection with this man, you ended it with him because he did one of these things. (Did that even make sense?)

I have a man that has been telling me he loves me for 2 years now. He says he loves, and wants to be involved with, my children, too. On some levels, he appears to have a lot to offer, but there are other things that scare me.

So, here I am with this physical attraction, good chemistry on all levels, (we can talk for 2 hours and it feels like 2 mins) but the guy hasn’t done his taxes in 5 years. Also, he struggles with some other things that don’t go along with my values. I’ve “broken up” with him twice…and he went off and dated other women, only to immediately break up with them when I showed interest again (which would happen when we ran into each other).

I think what is going on for me is that there are things that I DON’T feel good about, but I’m wondering if I should overlook them because here is someone that loves me, loves my kids, is a great kisser, great at communication and I am AFRAID that I am passing up the only time this will come along. But I am unsure about his ability to provide stability, and unsure if this is really what it appears to be.

Have you ever passed up someone that felt good on so many levels and made it through?

- Jen

What advice do you have for Jen? Leave yours in the comments.

Back up reading from my own blog:

Remember Kris? I wondered if we broke up if it was my last chance at love? We had chemistry, but not much in the way of companionship. Here’s the post.

And here’s my post on the Must Have Man List Jen references. For me, a solid financial situation and a stable job is now a must.

A very good question.

mssinglemama — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 02:25:51 +0000

Had to pull out this fantastic comment from Sara to my last post.

“Does it bother you that John is probably reading all this right now? That’s the first thing I thought of when I read your post about the break up. Do you sometimes find yourself writing things in these past few posts for his benefit at all? Like so he sees how well Benjamin is doing or how “crazy” you are at the moment by things like checking out his facebook?”

When I first met John one of the things I loved about him was his understanding and appreciation of this blog and the audience. When a topic was in question, as to whether or not I should blog about it, he always asked, “Will it help them?” Them being, all of the other single moms.

If my answer was “yes”, I could write about whatever I wanted.

The thing I hold the most sacred about this blog is our relationship. You trust what I tell here is as accurate as I perceive it to be. Without that trust, if I were to use this blog to “get back” at someone or to make John’s skin crawl I would be losing your respect and his and Benjamin’s (eventually).

I would be guilty of manipulating the content to my own advantage and to spite or hurt someone. And, to me, that is the cardinal sin of blogging. Especially on this blog.

With that said, there are pieces to stories I have kept from you. John and I’s brief 12-hour break up in May, as an example. There are more stories you still don’t know about or will ever know about (many have to do with Benjamin’s father or our immediate family).

They’re just too personal and could, if told here, affect the outcome of the relationship.

Benjamin is doing well. If he were having issues during this break up, I would tell you. But he’s not. Quite the opposite, which, I believe is absolutely eye opening. And there’s nothing like seeing your child flourishing to reinforce the fact that this is the best outcome for all of us.

Makes getting over a break up a lot easier, too. This is a first for me. But happy kid trumps all else.

I was petrified of how Benjamin would react if John and I didn’t work out. That fear may have been influencing some of my decisions about the relationship, and maybe John’s. Perhaps we both injected too much pressure on the situation.

After Friday’s post–my anger post (that’s about as angry as you’ll see me). I called John to tell him I would be un-friending him on Facebook. And when he asked ‘why’, I let it all spill out. I went on a tangent that included topics like ‘walking away and starting over like nothing happened’, ‘getting to move on Scott-free’ and a bunch of other unnecessary and mean comments, but warranted.

As soon as it was out, I felt better. And in true John fashion he accepted it all and didn’t lash back. He reminded me that this is just as painful for him as it is for me and that this was about our relationship, not my being a single mom. And then I realized that no matter how hard I may try, I can’t hate John. Because he’s John. He’s a good guy. By the end we were talking to each other like old friends and agreed that it sucks for both of us but is clearly for the best.

I haven’t checked his Facebook status since, but I haven’t un-friended him either.

I hope that answers your question. Just know that I would never manipulate this blog’s content for my own good because this is for all of you, for us. The fact that some of my posts may help some of you conquer a few of life’s trials and tribulations is far more important that what John (or any other man) thinks of Benjamin and I.

And did I mention that I am feeling better and better every day? Now that the anger has been vanquished I feel calm and content again. A bit shaken up, but content. Turns out I also don’t need a man to be happy, but I do need my friends–and John (along with all of you) will continue to be among them.

From Break Up Land

mssinglemama — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 04:36:11 +0000

The one thing I absolutely love about owning a Web design, SEO and Social Media business is the variety of people I meet and interact with every day.

First, there are the three guys in my office. Their humor throughout this entire thing has been incredible and I don’t feel alone in the least. However, they have to put up with me suddenly erupting when I open John’s Facebook profile and read a happy comment about this or that. A stop at a bar or a game. Or some joke. Drives me absolutely nuts. And I have no idea why. He’s entitled to move on. Typically I am more composed, relatively speaking of course because I’m always a bit “energetic”.

But it’s only been two weeks and when I read one of his updates I feel like a mad, crazy person who can’t get a grip. Suddenly I’m saying things and and flying off the handle in front of the guys.

“You know,” they say. And then something absolutely hilarious spills out and we’re all laughing hysterically. Suddenly I feel better and get back to work.

And then there are my clients. Many of them I’ve come to know on a personal level, or it feels like I have because I love them so much. One, Columbus caterer Rich Rores, aka “The Sandman” or as I call him – my personal buddha – said to me, “Get back to normal. I don’t like you like this, all hating on men.”

“I’m not hating,” I tell him. “I am venting my emotions. I like to let them all flow out instantly. This way they don’t grow stale and rotten and then sneak up on me later.”

“I know,” he says, “You’re absolutely right. That’s the best way to do it, the healthiest way.”

And then there’s a single mom friend of mine who I met months ago when John and I were still together. She’s incredibly independent and content. You can just tell… she has the single motherhood thing down pat.

“Dude.” She says Dude a lot. And I like that about her.

“Men are overrated. I know it’s crazy but I’m happy single. I enjoy my life. I get the boys to myself and we get to do whatever we want, whenever. We don’t have to check in with anyone. And, besides, I don’t want some dude laying on my couch all of the time. Eeewww. No way, man. That’s just gross.”

I laugh at the image of some guy laying on her couch. On her couch. Not anyone’s couch, but her couch in her super cute downtown townhouse, where clearly there is no room for just any dude.

Later this week during coffee with a happily married colleague of mine she said, “I was there once too. When you’re comfortable and you just think ‘this is it, I’m happy and I’m comfortable, this is what it is supposed to be like’ and then you realize. ‘No, this isn’t right.’ It took me five years. I was with him for five years.”

Five years.

“And now I’m with my husband and I am so incredibly in love. It’s like night and day.”

And finally there’s my favorite person of them all, my dream man – Mr. Benjamin.

Since John’s good-bye, Benjamin has not asked about him once. He hasn’t even asked about Murphy. He also has been flourishing in school. A few weeks before Christmas, Benjamin’s teachers pulled me aside for a meeting about his behavior. He was acting out, rebelling, saying bad words. I was completely distraught over it. We had no idea why. I told his teachers, “We just moved in with John three months ago. Things are going great. I don’t know what it could be.”

I thought. He has a Dad now. He should be perfect. We have a ‘normal’ family.

Well… apparently, Benjamin could sense something I couldn’t and his teachers say he is back to his normal self. My sweet, sweet rambunctious and happy little boy. Seeing him so happy, seeing this visible change in him has been more than an eye opener it has been completely and entirely liberating.

Apparently Benjamin doesn’t take to “normal”. This is our normal and we’re fine just the way we are.

—–

P.S.

I’ve been too busy/coping to pimp our upcoming Sway Workshop. But it’s in two weeks on January 20th at Experience Columbus. The entire Cement Marketing team will be there to teach attendees about social media and SEO. If you can’t come, spread the word for me and share the details with your friends and colleagues.

And then we break up.

mssinglemama — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 23:33:38 +0000

I am still in shock and I don’t know if I can piece it all together very eloquently here. I’m also not sure where to begin.

The first time it happened, the first time he broke up with me, his face looked pale. He was sitting on his couch. Not leaning into his couch, but sitting upright. The apartment around him, a small one bedroom was immaculate. And there he was, waiting for me to sit down. After a brief explanation came “and I think it’s time to end this.”

“To end what?” I asked.

“The relationship.”

At this, I jumped up and nearly fell over, catching myself on the arm of the couch.

“What? Why? Are you serious?”

“I am. This just isn’t working.”

I practically ran out of his apartment a few moments later, unable to even fathom what was happening. I was angry, hurt and completely blindsided. Sure, things hadn’t been perfect, but I thought our relationship was the healthiest I’d ever been in. The next morning I called him and told him I would do anything to keep him. I was shocked at myself. The way I sounded. Desperate almost. Heaving with tears at the idea of losing this sweet man. What had I done to drive him away?

“We have nothing in common,” he said, “And we fight all of the time. I’m not happy. I’m not.”

“But we don’t fight all of the time. Do we? I mean, things aren’t perfect all of the time but that’s life. The things we fight about aren’t fundamental differences, they are minimal, things we can fix.”

At the end of the conversation, we were back together. Our break up had lasted for all of 12 hours but I was a wreck. My trust had been shattered because John had effectively pulled the rug out from under the relationship and rocked our foundation of trust. It would never be the same again.

Two months later in the middle of May, after our trip to Georgia, it happened again. He started a lot of sentences with the word “if” and others with this phrase, “I love you, but.”

I love you, but… you really are this or that.

He had issues with me. So many issues that I was starting to not feel like me. We took a one week break and at the end of it, I broke up with him.

“I want someone who is committed to Benjamin and I without hesitation, I want to get married, I want to have more children, I want a house, I want someone who loves me without ‘ifs’ or ‘buts’. I want someone who loves me as I am.” I wanted all of these things and he had helped me to believe in them, he had opened my heart and my mind to the joys of a relationship. But he wasn’t happy and I couldn’t force him to be with me.

The next morning, John showed up at my door and told me he wanted all of the above. The house. The wedding. The life. Together.

I believed him. And he believed himself.

We moved forward and never looked back. Until the morning of Christmas Eve.

The night before my sister, as blunt as I am, had been pressing John with questions. She had noticed that we didn’t seem happy together and while I was distracted and entertaining other guests at our office party, Anna was grilling John like the protective sister she is.

“Are you happy? Because you don’t seem happy.” Etc. Etc. Etc.

Had I known this was going on, I would have swooped in to protect him and been livid with my sister. Instead, I missed it all. Just as I had apparently been completely missing John’s unhappiness. She saw what I couldn’t.

As you have all read here on this blog, I have been happy, content, and comfortable. But there were some things missing. Butterflies, for one. That maddening feeling of being in love. I was trying to find the best person for Benjamin and I by using my head and not my heart. As a result, I brushed a lot of things under the rug and told a story here that I also told to myself. In the end, I created an image for John Bear that any man would feel intimidated to fill.

On the morning of Christmas Eve, John was still incredibly upset about my sister’s pressing questions the night before. I don’t want to share all of the details but it ended with same look on his face he had in his apartment that day in March and me absolutely losing it in tears and shock as I handed him the ring. He wanted to take it back, to make up again and brush it under the rug – but, I made the call.

“No. No more pretending and no more forcing you to be with me.” With the flood gates open and John’s true feelings on the table everything suddenly became clear.

“You’re not happy. You aren’t. You’re miserable with me. It’s so obvious now.”

We both had to wake up to the reality of our relationship. I was happy but he wasn’t.

Whether I knew it or not, I had pressured John into taking our relationship into the next phase. Marriage. The House. Fatherhood. We are both guilty here. We are both guilty of trying to do the right thing, of pressing forward even though there was clearly something missing.

I’m surprisingly okay right now. I’m not sure if I’m still in shock or not, but John and I will still be friends and I’m in the incredibly fortunate situation, thanks to my business, of being able to pay the mortgage solo. John has been staying up in Cleveland with his parents and will do whatever Benjamin and I need or want to make sure we all survive this unscathed.

And unlike the first time I became a single mom, this time, I know exactly what to expect. And being single, as you all know, is my comfort zone. I have no idea how this will affect Benjamin but my game plan is this: stay calm, carry on, and be as happy and as engaged with him as possible.

We have had several conversations about the break up already. I wanted to tell him quickly and be transparent about it… after his initial tears I said, “Remember before John Bear, just a few months ago, when we were living alone?”

“Yeah,” he said, “in our old apartment.”

“Yeah, well, wasn’t that so much fun?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, now it will be just you and me again.”

“Okay,” he nodded and then slowly a big smile crept across his face while he remembered our time together – just the two of us. Our adventures. Our trips. Our happiness.

We really don’t need anyone else… just each other. For now. And, I must admit, there is a part of me that is so incredibly excited to have that back again.

Also, I completely resign from my position as an authority of any kind for giving out relationship or love advice to single moms. Wow, oh wow, I really didn’t see that coming.

Please don’t hate John and please don’t lose hope in men. He and his family were absolutely amazing to Benjamin and I and we will always be friends.

Dad

mssinglemama — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 14:31:59 +0000

Shortly after we moved in together, into our new house and onto our new life, Benjamin started asking a lot of questions. Namely, “Does this mean John Bear is my Dad now?”

“Well, yes, he is your step-dad.”

As I’ve told you before, Benjamin was very quick to point out that technically John and I weren’t married yet, so that wasn’t possible. An idea, I believe he got from his step-brother and father. Wherever that seed came from, it was quickly thrown out by Benjamin’s logic. After all, his house now contained a mother and a father. Under the same roof.

If you’ve been reading my blog over the years, you know how much Benjamin has wanted this. So, during those first few weeks of living together Benjamin suddenly started calling John, “Dad” and “Daddy” or even “Father”. We didn’t make a big deal out of it, although, John was admittedly a bit thrown off by the sudden title. Totally understandable. It was even odd for my ears to swallow.

And then, he stopped. Benjamin went back to calling him John Bear. Fast forward to about two weeks ago after he returned from his monthly night at his father’s and Benjamin was back to “Dad” for John Bear.

Whenever he calls for him, it’s “Dad?” And whenever he sees him it’s, “Dad! Dad!”

And each time and every time, no matter where I am in the house, I can hear it and my heart skips a beat as I catch my breath waiting for John Bear to say, “Yes?” or “Hi, Goober!” or whatever his response is. And then I have to swallow the tears back down in my throat. This reaction I’m having will fade, I hope!, as I get used to the new title, but for now–I am still having a small case of disbelief at this new reality.

I want to let you in on this, to share with you a moment from a morning this week. Some mornings are better than others but on this particular morning everything was absolutely perfect. Benjamin was cooperating and marching off to the car, John Bear (as always) was fetching the car seat from his car and putting it in mine for the morning commute and I made a dash for my camera.

(Please try to look past poor Benjamin’s Lloyd Christmas hair cut. Poor kid.)

But just look at his face, looking at his Dad.

The entire time, he has his eyes on him.

John may not even notice it as much as I do, being the Mom and all – it’s much harder to miss.

And then I ask John to hold the camera for a second.

That’s a smile that I can’t seem to shake.

Having known from the start of his life that Benjamin’s father and I would not work out, having the courage to leave when he was just four months old and the bravery to make a decision on my child’s behalf has given me the ability now to see things so clearly and to imagine what it would have been like had I stayed. Something that seems as impossible now as it did then.

I knew what was best and I knew I had to make that leap into the unchartered sea of single motherhood.

But I can’t imagine what it would have been like had Benjamin been older and already calling someone “Dad”. I just can’t. That is unfathomable to me and for that, I know most of you experienced divorces with older children, I tip my hat to you and say that your strength is beyond my comprehension. You are a superhero. And don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Blast from the past posts:

Remember when Benjamin used to call every man on the street “Daddy?”

A Single Mom’s Guide to Finding a Manperson

mssinglemama — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 00:26:00 +0000

I missed the third anniversary of starting my blog. Typically I give myself a pat on the back for making it this far without either a) quitting or b) losing all of my readers. And then I offer up a recap of my milestone self-discoveries about men and dating as a single mom.

Conveniently for all of you, and keeping with the spirit of this full-disclosure blog, you get to learn from my dating mistakes or accomplishments. But, just remember, you can’t have one without the other. Learn to learn from your mistakes and you’ll be half way there. And besides, you owe your children that much. You’re not just dating for yourself anymore. So how do you learn to date responsibly? How do you break the bad habit of dating men who are bad for you? It’s not easy.

Here’s how I figured that out for myself.

1. First and foremost… accept this fact: Prince Charming does not exist, neither does “the One” and no one is going to rescue you (but yourself).

2. Recognize that you have baggage. And own that baggage. It’s yours, not his.

3. Learn how to love yourself first. And then ask yourself – would you date you?

4. Then go man shopping. You can only get back out there by getting back out there, but don’t lose control. You are the one choosing who you want to be with and when.

5. Forget about your ex. He is your ex for a reason.

6. Dump that guy who just can’t commit. If he’s not ready, and he’s dating a single mom, than he has an alterior motive. Note: he may not be aware of these motives. After all, he’s just a guy. Can you blame him for hanging around your sweet self when you keep opening the door and letting him in? You need to know what you want if you ever want to find it.

7. Step outside of your dating box. Ditch the bad boys and date someone you wouldn’t necessarily see yourself with. After all, you’ve picked the wrong guys all along. Could it be that it’s you–not them? Just a thought. I know, this one was very hard for me to realize. I didn’t realize it until an entire year after leaving Benjamin’s father. And even then, I found it hard to break my mold and date genuine nice guys.

8. When you do find him you will know because being with him will feel like being wrapped up in a warm blanket. He will always, always answer your calls and he will do just about anything to spend a minute of his time with you. But, neither one of you will be desperate for each other (remember: don’t mistake love for lust).

And for the guys – the best How to Date a Single Mom advice on the Internet. Lots of sweat and tears went into that series.

Ahhhh… that should keep you all busy catching up for a while.

I love you all. And thanks again for being here. What a lovely trip this blog has been. Has anyone received their manifesto yet? I’m dying to hear how they’re doing out there.