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A note from the war zone:

mssinglemama — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 22:21:45 +0000

Benjamin has a severe flu – puking, puking and puking.

We had to go to the grocery store today. Had to… there were things we needed like saltines, popsicles and sorbert ice cream. He nearly puked in the cart. I made this video after we got home and he passed out.

(Thought you all would like to see my vulnerable side, because I do have one – we all do).

P.S. Benjamin is improving, so no worries, but he’s still very, very sick.

Joining the club.

mssinglemama — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 03:49:43 +0000

She’s been my best friend my entire life.

And now, she’ll be a single mom.

Her boyfriend of six years and the father of their four-year-old daughter is moving out – the catalyst – an affair he’s been having with a young co-worker. On Saturday night she called me, her voice hushed and fringing on frantic.

His moving out had been unfolding for over one week now, the details were intermittent and things were still so unclear. And up until a few hours earlier, she had hope that maybe he would come to his senses and stay.

“I need to drop off a piece of furniture, can you open your garage?”

“Of course, I’ll be out in a minute.”

After we unloaded the dresser, we walked toward my apartment. The kids were already inside playing, her daughter completely unaware of the pain ripping through her mother’s heart. Before we made it to the door she just started sobbing, “there’s someone else. He’s seeing someone else.”

Her voice broke into sobs and I grabbed her in a tight hug, the only thing I could do. I’d never seen her like this – ever. She had been working on their relationship for months and months, seeing a therapist on her own because he refused to go, doing sweet things for him, constantly optimistic that he would “feel better” soon.

I wanted to kill him, to march right over to their house and cause him some kind of pain or hurt him for breaking my best friend’s heart. Not just for breaking it but breaking her – a woman who is absolutely gorgeous inside and out, the kind of woman every woman wants as a best friend, a sister or a mother.

“You’ll be better off, you will.”

“I know. I know I will. But it hurts. It hurts so badly, I’ve never felt this way before, this angry.”

I gave her every piece of advice I could muster from reading so many of your blogs and in writing my own. But this was her… my best friend, the girl I used to play with every single day in elementary school, the teenager who gave me my first beer, the young woman who taught me how to put on my make up and the young mother who has been here for me since day one of my pregnancy and of my divorce.

And now here we were. Both of us single moms. One stronger than the other in this moment, but both just little girls grown up with our fairy tale endings completely shattered. We popped open a bottle of red wine and commiserated, just staring into each other’s eyes and shaking our heads – at a complete loss for words, a rarity.

“How am I going to tell her?”

“She’s four. She’ll bounce back,” I run off some other positive advice. All of it sounding like crap.

“She is always asking me, ‘will daddy move out like Benjamin’s daddy did?’ And I always tell her, ‘no’. What is she going to think? She’ll think I’m a liar.”

“You know what. We can not protect our kids from everything – we just can’t. And she can see that Benjamin is okay, even though his dad moved out.”

So… she’s been reading divorce guides and the how to tell your kids books. They’re all telling her what not to say, but none are telling her what she should say.

What are the words?

How do you explain to a four-year-old that mommy and daddy are breaking up, divorcing or separating?

There will be more on this later… she, obviously, has always read this blog. I just never thought she’d have to use it. Damn him. And what kind of a man – by the way – actually cheats on his family. Ugh. The worst of the worst. And what kind of women cheat with them? What is wrong with people?

——

To catch up with Mia’s Story:

A Letter to the Other Woman - Mia’s awesome letter to her ex’s other woman which has made ripples through the blogosphere.
Mia’s Story Part 1
Mia’s Story Part 2

Single Mom S.O.S.: Will I make it?

mssinglemama — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 21:44:05 +0000

I sat down in front of my therapist this week – more on that later- but one of the first things she said to me was, “Do you know how courageous it was for you to do that, to leave like that when your son was just 4-months-old? Good for you, kiddo!”

She calls me kiddo, which I think is kind of cool. I’m not even sure if I should call her a therapist – more like a Godsend. Back to my point. Becoming single mothers, whether by choice or force, is incredibly courageous and incredibly frightening at the same time.

This comment came in today from Almost Single to my post on “Should I Leave My Husband?“. She’s a soon to be single mom who isn’t quite sure how she will make it, something I know I felt when I first became a single mom. Just read this (should sound very familiar):

So how do you move on, become a single mama, when you’re not ready to let go? I admire your strength, and I know I’ve been strong enough thus far. But I wonder if what’s keeping me going is my nerves? Waiting for the other shoe to drop is definitely a means of keeping me on my toes. What happens when that energy wears out? Or, worse, what happens when that other shoe does drop, and it breaks me? I wonder if it’d be easier to just let go, but so far it’s been easier to just close my eyes to those moments you speak of and keep telling myself there’s hope. How pathetic, right? What a woman will do? Thank you so much for sharing so intimately, and for letting so many of us share back.

First, your nerves are keeping you going. I believe it is a physical thing, a mama bear thing. You just have to keep going. There isn’t any other choice. And those nerves, guts or what have you will keep you going for as long as you need them to… and you will only be broken if you believe you’ll be broken. First rule of single motherhood: don’t write yourself a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And, yes, at times – in those days or weeks when you feel you can’t go on – hope is the only thing we do have. But there’s nothing pathetic about that, nothing at all. Hope springs eternal, right?

Bring on the hope, baby!

Remember, I started this blog after one entire year of being a single mom, much of what you read here are the optimistic ramblings of a seasoned single mama. That first year is so dark, I rarely return, keeping most of it buried.

One memory I’ll never forget is looking at Benjamin while the rest of my world crumbled around me. There he was in his bath, gooing and gaaing – happy as a little bug, and then it hit me, “My world is falling apart, but he is fine. He is just fine. At least I have that, at least he is okay.” From that day on, in my darkest moments, I just looked at my smiling baby and felt like all was right.

I’m not sure how old your children are and I’m not saying divorce doesn’t hurt children, it does, but I’m sure the way the mama bear handles that divorce has a direct impact on how her children handle the divorce. So keep your chin up, for their sake, and then you’ll find your spirits rising too.

Everything will be okay. I promise.

Anyone else have advice for a newly single mom? If you have a second, share one of your first year memories – the worst, the best?

Single Mom S.O.S.: Body Check

mssinglemama — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 02:58:55 +0000

Is your body image in check?

This one is coming from a fantastic new reader, we’ll call her Moon Beam… she’s a new single mom and is just now getting back into the dating game. In fact, she went on her first date as a single mom last night! But she’s concerned about how her new flame will react when he sees her new, post-baby body.

Here’s the latest Single Mom S.O.S.:

I have a good body, but it’s still different than someone who’s never had kids, (if you know what I mean). Do guys know some of these differences or are they shocked?

I love hearing from new single moms because it takes me back to my first year of being a single mom. I was petrified of being with a man again. But I finally took the plunge and you know what? He didn’t care. Not one of them has… or at least they haven’t said anything, but who would? Were they all just being nice?

It is true, after having a child our bodies just aren’t the same. So… what do you think?

To the single mamas, how is your body image? Is it affecting your ability to get back out there? If you are out there are the men “shocked” when they see you?

And to the men, does it matter? If you’ve dated a single mom did you freak out at what you saw?

I want to hear from everyone on this one. Keep the comments clean please. My opinion: Men don’t care. They really don’t. But if you care, they will. (As always, I could be wrong). With that said, to the mamas – how can Moon Beam work on improving her self-image?

[Photo Credit: I wish I knew where this photo is originally from - if anyone does know, please leave a comment. I have a mild obsession with pin-up models]

Read the rest of the Single Mom S.O.S. Series Here»

Single Mom S.O.S.: Should I leave my ex alone with my son?

mssinglemama — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 03:19:14 +0000

I get a lot of e-mails. Some are encouraging, others are from admirers (too funny), some are hateful and then there are the e-mails too urgent to ignore – the e-mails I can’t answer solo. So, with their permission, I pose the question to you – my readers – in hopes that you can offer the advice I can’t. This time, it’s a doozy.

Krissy, 30, is a single mother to her 7-month-old son. Two weeks after she told her boyfriend she was pregnant, he dumped her for someone else. She’s been alone ever since. Her ex only visits his son once a month and when he does… well, just read what she wrote:

He (my ex) is so irresponable with him, he wont listen to me when I try to tell him things, like support him better when you hold him, (he has almost dropped him several times) he has fallen off the bed in his care, he got stuck under a chair in his care, he often ignores him.
I’m so concerned and worried because come September I need to finish college and my ex is offering to look after him while I’m in class. I can’t afford daycare right now. I’m so afraid something terrible is going to happen to my son out of neglect… he doesn’t really enjoy being a dad because it cramps his style. His parents talked him into helping me so I could finish college.

I think it’s clear this guy should not, under any circumstances, be left alone with his son. So what should she do? Finishing college is extremely important for Krissy. Are there any child care courses stupid, ass men like this one can take?

Any advice on finding quality, yet affordable child care? Are there any child care cost assistance programs out there? Krissy is reading this – so please… anything will help

Previous Single Mom S.O.S. posts:

Can she take the kids overseas?

Her Ex wants full-custody

Explaining the break-up to the kids

Should I leave my husband?

[Photo Credit: Daily Mail]

Single Mom S.O.S.: Play-Doh & Toddler-Goo

mssinglemama — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 02:41:52 +0000

Okay, this one is for me. Three questions mixed with some babbling.

1. How do you clean up Play-Doh?

2. What are some good Play-Doh games or activities?

(We had a Play-Doh cook off, but tomorrow he’ll want a new game.)

3. How do you keep them contained in one area?

(Not necessarily the kids but the Play-Doh and the Play-Doh containers, or both. I’m not quite sure.)

He wanders around the house with bits and pieces of Play-Doh. But I don’t want to hide the Play-Doh when he’s got it out, on the kitchen table. Today he played with it for at least an hour and a half. I had time to make the most disgusting peanut butter cookies you’ve ever had. (And yes, I was stupid enough to trust this website for a recipe and a bad enough cook to fall for it). Benjamin ate one anyway. But he’s 2.4, he doesn’t know what a peanut butter cookie should taste like.

So, here’s my S.O.S. I want to make the most of Benjamin and I’s Play-Doh experiences. What Play-Doh games and activities should we play? And how in the hell do you clean up Play-Doh and all other toddler-goo? Like chunky dried banana bits, cookie and marker streaks, applesauce on the couch … now I’m getting a head ache. And I have to go clean.

Thanks in advance.

[Photo: Play-Doh cooking lesson + the polka dot table]

Read the rest of the Single Mom S.O.S. entries here.

My S.O.S. is clearly the only light one so far … but hey, someone had to do it.

P.S. Must Love Kids ROCKED. I’ll just going to wait until this Tuesday night to write about it because I’m already a week behind.

Single Mom S.O.S.: Can she take the kids overseas?

mssinglemama — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 22:11:20 +0000

Occasionally urgent questions land in my Inbox from single moms or married women desperate for help and answers. They are so urgent in nature I call them Single Mom S.O.S’s.

This one is the most urgent of all.

Belle is European and has no family here in the United States.

Her husband, who has abused her physically in the past is refusing to leave their apartment. She has no where to go, no where to stay and wants to know what will happen if she takes her children back to her home city in Europe.

I am being very vague here to protect her anonymity.

I have advised her via e-mail to stay put, to stay calm and to pretend like nothing is wrong. I have also told her that if he lays another hand on she or the children that she must immediately call the police or find a local domestic violence shelter. She’s reading this post, hoping for some advice, encouragement or answers.

What is the safest way to leave your husband when he has violent tendencies?

Can you leave the country with the kids? Could her Ex accuse her of kidnapping?

Previous Single Mom S.O.S. posts:

Her Ex wants full-custody

Explaining the break-up to the kids

Should I leave my husband?

mssinglemama — Fri, 02 May 2008 14:18:17 +0000

Take a breath and try to imagine yourself in a thankless marriage.

Now try to imagine having a little one watching and witnessing – the fights, the anger, the unhappiness or depression.

When marriage counseling fails (it did for me) and you have exhausted all of your options, emotionally and physically to make it work – when do you know if you should leave?

There were a few moments, split seconds of time when I knew I had to give up – that my ex-husband and I were impossibly different – and that he was impossibly uncommitted to truly being the best father and husband he could be. These moments were spread out over two years. And then one of them broke the camel’s back: he told me, didn’t even ask, told me – that he would not be working but staying at home until our (my) savings ran out. Then, he said, he would find a new job.

And that was it. I left – packed up our apartment – moved in with my mom (took little 4-month-old Benjamin of course) and got on with my life.

It wasn’t easy.

It isn’t easy.

But being in that marriage, with someone who gave me no respect, no affection, no empathy or even friendship was harder than being a single mother.

I received an e-mail this week that moved me to write this post.

I’m sure you hear it all the time, but your blog really touched me. I’m sitting here at work with a lump in my throat trying really hard not to cry.
I’m married with a ten month old (who is IT, and by it, I mean the absolute greatest love in existence, which you know all about). My husband is, as I’ve heard you describe your ex, USELESS. I read one of your first posts about him not moving the boxes, and that same exact situation has happened to me. Your ex sounds like he’s a good turner-arounder (is that even a word)—he can make something his fault or your fault in a matter of seconds, and takes responsibility for nothing.
Anyway, my husband has been out of town this week, and it’s given me a lot of time to think. Part of me (like a teeny tiny part) is scared to “be alone.”
Do you have any suggestions as far as finances go? Was the legal aspect of divorce and custody a difficult thing for you in that aspect (or others)?

What emotional or financial advice would you give to women who are on the fence? Most divorced parents know the decision does not come easy. It’s not something you just snap into … you think, think, try and try again to make it work and then one day – that’s it – you’re done.

What tipped you? What was the deciding factor in your decision to get a divorce?

If you feel like a married single mom, click here.

[Photo credit: Every Day Better Living.com]

Single Mom S.O.S.: Her ex wants full custody!

mssinglemama — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 01:00:30 +0000

Every once in a while I post a Single Mom S.O.S. The first time for my friend Abby who was trying to figure out how to explain a break up to her daughter and now for another single mom, Tricia. The dilemma – her ex-husband wants to fight for full-custody of their oldest son, a 9-year-old.

First some facts. Tricia is amazing. She is light, happy, full of optimism and she loves her two boys.

Since their divorce in July she and her ex-husband have had 50/50 split custody of the kids. She says, “I didn’t fight for full custody because he’s a great father, and my father was so important to me. I want him to be very involved in their lives.”

Now, less than one year later, her son says he wants to live with Daddy full-time and his father is not only encouraging this notion, but threatening to go to court.

You can imagine the emotional pain she’s feeling right now. He’s nine and he doesn’t know any better…but still. She also says her ex-husband has been encouraging the idea. To make matters worse he is also threatening to take the fight to court.

My theory:

Her son is having some natural anxiety over the recent divorce and feels torn, but wants to be back in his old house with dad. (Tricia is the one who moved out to a new house)

We need your help. She’s reading this … so please, any legal tips, any advice on how to talk her son out of this. Anything at all would be helpful. This is just breaking my heart. I can’t even imagine…

Can a father even legally do this if the mother is 100% fit to care for her children?

P.S. Tricia is not on drugs or anything crazy like that and how could a father encourage 9-year-old to want this? Seems like he’s playing on the poor kids vulnerability and emotions right now.

If you have your own Single Mom S.O.S. request e-mail me at mssinglemama-at-gmail-dot-com. Your name will not be published.

[Photo Credit: Tks Massachusetts!]

Single Mom S.O.S. – Explaining a Break Up

mssinglemama — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 02:25:06 +0000

My best friend and fellow single mom, Abby, is still reeling from her break up. And so is her 5 year old daughter, Penny. She’s a beautiful, happy little girl who also fell in love with mommy’s boyfriend. How couldn’t she? He was over at their house at least three to four nights a week. They’d been together for nearly one year and had been talking about moving in together, starting a family – the whole kit and caboodle. And now – poof – he’s gone and Penny is broken hearted. If you’ve never seen a 5 year old with a little broken heart – lucky you – because I saw my first one tonight and it was unbearable.

Abby and I were sipping wine in the kitchen when Penny walked up with tears in her eyes.

“What’s wrong sweetie, are you feeling sick?” Abby asked.

“No, I’m sad…about John. I love him, he’s my friend and I’ll never get to see him again.”

Abby and I looked at each other. The two single moms who always have the answers. And there was nothing. Neither of us knew what to say. What could we say? How can you explain a break up to a 5 year old?

My son is just a few months shy of two. This is something I’ve never faced. I would imagine that for a five year old something like this is extremely heavy and intense. Something that could have a lasting impact. And what Abby is going through right now is without a doubt, my worst fear and is why us single moms can get a little “crazy” when it comes to relationships and dating. This is it. This is what we all want to avoid.

But we also want to meet someone, be with someone and find out if they are a fit for our family. I call it the single mom dating conundrum. How do we do it without hurting our kids? The answers aren’t clear and they never will be, but there must be some child psychology experts out there who would know what we should say. How we should say it.

Abby would have read up had she known John was going to walk in – break up with her and then leave without so much as a good bye to Penny.

So what should she do? Any advice? Please, please pass on some insights if you have them. I tried to do a Google search for “single mom break up how do you tell the kids” and there was nothing useful.

(Photo source – http://www.irishhealth.com)