Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama » how to pick up men

One Year

mssinglemama — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 17:33:26 +0000

One year ago today…

When I got dressed that morning I thought about him.

What should I wear? Something that doesn’t look like I’m trying and something that will still look cute at 5:45 when I leave work. It didn’t take long for me to decide on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a cute blazer with some heels. I had plans for a networking dinner after work with a guy I’d met during a presentation I was giving a week earlier. He worked at another agency in town and also had a passion for search and social media. But, already I could tell, we were complete opposites.

If I were a jalapeno, he’d be an orange. Me, the a fire cracker with no poker face and an opinion for everything. John, the calm, cool guy at the party everyone instantly likes.

“So, I’m having this networking thing with a guy tonight,” I told Alison, my trusted co-worker and best friend. I was leaning over into her cubie so no one would catch us stealing our secrets on the company’s dime. Big Brother could kiss our dating asses.

“Yeah, and?”

“Well, I think he likes me but, I don’t know – he may be too nice. But he’s cute, refreshing, sweet.”

“You sound like you’re about to go out on a date not a networking thing.”

“But it’s not a date.”

“Whatever.”

Five hours later I was rushing out of the office so I wouldn’t be late for my non-date or maybe a date.

When I walked in he was sitting near the back wall of the restaurant.

“On time. Nice,” I thought. “But what is he wearing? A hoodie? Nooooo. With no zipper? Not even a zipper?”

I decided immediately that any guy who wore a hoodie to meet a woman was clearly uninterested in dating said woman.

I ignored the hoodie and we dove into work stuff; but then I started flirting with him, bringing personal into the conversation and then came the inevitable “are you single or not?” conversation. I found out he was indeed single and then dove into my “I love being single” mantra, which was entirely true.

“So you really don’t mind being single?” he asked me.

“Nope. If I never end up married, I’d be fine with that.”

“Oh, come on. Are you saying you’re against love?”

“No. If it happens… it happens.”

And that’s when his eyes, those beautiful sea blue eyes, lit up with a smile.

“But there’s a fat chance,” I added, guarded, “I eat skeptical for breakfast.”

Another smile and then a shake of the head.

“I don’t believe you,” he said.

And that was that. He had me in that moment and has ever since.

——–

We have definitely had our bumps.

Some bigger than others.

Many of which I can’t detail here. Not yet anyway.

Not until our foundation is firmly planted into the ground and we’re ready to share for the sake of passing along our wisdom. Right now we’re still too raw from a lot of what this first year has dealt us. Fate threw that innocent little couple in the wine shop some major curve balls.

But we have survived, living to tell this tale – one that feels more filled with romance and love now than it ever has. I just keep falling more and more in love with my Mr. John Bear.

Purely and simply.

Just know that what you read here on this blog just scratches the surface of our relationship.

There are intricacies, details, missing links. The real stuff. The stuff that hurts but that also binds, that has led us to each other, rather than apart. What you do need to know is this – a relationship’s challenges should bring you closer together.

And sometimes you need to let go of your love, to re-balance, to bring everything back to center. Oh, and one more thing I have learned recently – trust, true trust, is only inhibited by fear. If you are hurt, if it doesn’t work out – you will be there to catch yourself.

If it happens… let it happen (with or without all of the answers).

You’ll be okay.

—–

And because it’s our one year anniversary – our first YouTube video. ; )

Shadows & Light

mssinglemama — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 04:43:11 +0000

This weekend I took off for Nashville to meet that Matt guy up for a concert in a cave.

Yep. A concert in a cave. (That’s me before the show started.)

Needless to say, it was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever experienced. I’m sure Matt will give the concert, the band, and the cave more justice with his words and photography – so stay tuned to his blog for a post about it.

After the concert we headed to downtown Nashville

where this single mama got to dance her heart out to bands like this one.

To everyone who lives in Nashville – cool city. I’m jealous.

Thanks to Drue, Benjamin’s first babysitter, I had a place to crash.

You haven’t heard about her here, but only because she left for Nashville just before I started writing this blog. Had I been writing during the first year you would have known that she got me through every day – just by being there, by being so positive – a steady light in a sea of shattered darkness.

Helping a 27-year-old single mom who had just left her husband with a four-month-old baby could not have been easy. But it was for Drue.

Here’s an old picture of them playing around in the bathroom with my camera.

We got to catch up on life and on Benjamin… the little boy who carries a mind she helped to form. And then I took off for the airport to catch my flight back home.

—-

Before I left for the trip Mia and I were having one of the many conversations we’ve had lately about dating, men and how we got here in the first place.

“We always pick the wrong men,” she said.

It’s a true statement. Since our teenage years Mia and I have consistently fallen for men who love us the hardest in the beginning only to hurt us the most in the end – the bad boys, or just the boys who are clearly bad for us. Regardless, both of our internal compasses on men have been way off for quite a while, thrown for a loop by a mix of bad luck, bad judgment and the desire to help these men, or – worse yet – fix them.

“So I’ve been thinking about it,” she told me, “And I think – from here on out – we should only date guys who aren’t messed up in any way.”

“You mean happy, employed, addiction free men?”

“Yeah. Men we don’t have to fix.”

Her face beamed at this revelation.

She’s right – our days of taking chances on wild card guys should be over. But it’s easier said than done. How do you realign that compass? My solution as of late – ever since Mr. Man – has been to not date at all. And it’s been nice. Safe. Kind of boring. But nice.

So when I turned around in the plane terminal today and saw one of the most beautiful men I’ve seen in months standing right behind me, I was surprised to find myself wishing he’d be seated next to me.

But what were the odds?

I found my seat and then like some kind of sign from a higher power – he sat down in my row, just on the other side of the aisle. The woman sitting next to him said, “You two can sit together if you want, I can switch.”

“Oh, we’re not together,” he said smiling.

After a few moments of silence he broke it with, “but you can sit next to me if you want.”

“I’d love to, but we’re practically next to each other already and this way I won’t drool on you when I pass out.”

The plane shot up into the air and then we kept chit chatting.

Tall, dark and handsome – I couldn’t help but blush every time he looked at me. By the time we landed I’d found out that he loves his job as a mechanical engineer, that he has two sisters, went to college near my sister, and had been flying home after a trip to visit his family.

Normal, normal, normal – not one sign of bad boy in him.

I know I don’t know everything about the guy but given all of the above stats, he fits Mia and I’s new criteria. And at one point during the flight I looked out of the window and saw this…

another sign? I took it as one.

After we landed I handed him my business card and said, “I’m going to give you my number, just in case you ever want to hang out.”

He accepted it gladly and then we walked together through the airport – ending at his shuttle and my taxi cab. We said our quick good-byes and that was that. Only then did it occur to me that I’d completely forgotten to bring up the whole single mom thing.

Typically I make it a point to tell any guy I’m interested in before I ask him out. It’s a single mom litmus test of mine and I feel like it’s only fair that they know. But for some reason Benjamin didn’t come up.

So what should I do now?

Tell him I am a single mom on the phone before we go out or on the first date?

And this, of course, is assuming he even calls. If he doesn’t, at least I tried to date a normal one… that’s a step in the right direction.

Back up reading:

Can he commit? Check his cab light.

Where Can I Meet Quality Men?

mssinglemama — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 14:38:15 +0000

Question #2 from my readers and my video response.

(I’m all sick but managed to get through without passing out or coughing). Enjoy.

For Question # 1: How do I get over my ex? Click here.

And here are some follow up posts on the very hot topic of finding men to date (not like you need them, but since you want them):

Pleased to meet you.

mssinglemama — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 13:52:20 +0000

I’ve finally found some words, between the haze of my viral infection – here you go… the start to the story of how I met Mr. Man. The story, as you know, is still unfolding.

We met at the bar my mother and I used to frequent after my father died.

Mom and I were there this time, not to drown our sorrows, but to celebrate her birthday. As soon as we stepped inside she took off for the patio and I took the only empty seat at the bar – right next to Mr. Man.

His southern drawl told me immediately he was a townie, a working stiff, the real deal. Incompatible, I thought. I’m a city girl, constantly attached to some kind of electronic device. Or maybe we could work, this thought didn’t come until later after I’d left him at the bar and returned nearly an hour later to find him discreetly holding my seat, waiting for me to come back.

Only then did I really look into his eyes and realize that this man wasn’t kidding around or playing me, he was serious. Beneath his rough exterior I saw a soft, strong heart and something very comforting, familiar almost. We talked for hours there at the bar. What shocked me the most, after years now of dating so many of those fish in that big bad sea, was his genuine interest in listening to what I had to say.

And he responded to my thoughts, not with fantastical stories but with stories that related to mine, stories he told because he wanted to share them with me not because he wanted to prove something or get me into bed.

Three hours later, near closing time, Mom started gesturing behind his head, pointing to him with her thumb high in the air and mouthing, “I like him.” A few moments later she invited him back to her house. I, completely intoxicated at this point, threw out all logic and went along with the plan. We’d go home and wake up my uncle and Mom’s man, Larry and have a little party. It would be great!

Yeah, sure, keep talking drunk Alaina.

Had we not taken him home that night I’m not quite sure if I ever would have seen him again. In fact, I’m almost certain I would have just brushed him off… disregarding him as just another guy at another bar.

After talking deep into the night, I settled Mr. Man into the guest bedroom and headed upstairs to sleep with Benjamin. I woke up just a few hours later with a vicious headache. (I really don’t drink that often, so my hangovers are horrible when I do.) Only after rubbing my eyes and crawling out of bed to chase after Benjamin did I realize – to my horror – what had happened the night before. I had brought a man home! Seriously?

“Holy shit,” my brain was on fire, “What in the hell am I going to do? There’s a man. Here. In my mom’s house with my son. I am such a shitty, shitty mother.”

I started plotting some way to hide him. I’ll sneak him out the back door and take him home. But first, I’ve got to feed Benjamin. So I quietly made the eggs, the bacon and the biscuits – standard breakfast out in the woods at Mom’s. And then I heard his footsteps, coming up the stairs. Damn, he wakes up early.

And then there he was…

“Hello, Benjamin. How are you?” And just like that, Mr. Man leaned onto the counter and immediately dove right in to Benjamin Land.

He’d remembered his name from the night before on the couch. He had kissed me there after telling me he wanted to spend all of Sunday with us — he had offered to take Benjamin outside for a hike so I could rest. Could he have meant all of that? Really?

Moments after Benjamin finished his last bite Mr. Man scooped him up like a little stuffed animal, so light in his big arms, “C’mon, Benjamin, let’s go outside.” Apparently so.

I watched from the deck as he took Benjamin around the yard – pointing out the different trees, little animal tracks and hidden bee hives – things I never would have noticed or known to show him myself. I love the outdoors but I don’t know what the hell is what. Benjamin was enthralled – absolutely enthralled with this man – in fact, I’ve never seen him fall for an adult like he did for Mr. Man.

Oh shit. You shitty, shitty mom.

“You can’t really be here all day,” I told him later.

“Really? Why not?”

“Oh, it’s not that I don’t like you, I do – it’s just Benjamin. You can’t be around him too much, he’ll get attached.” I explain.

“You know what – you’re right, I can see how that could happen. But I’m more worried that I’ll get attached to him. This kid’s awesome. He really is. He’s just amazing.”

An hour later he was still there, we had taken a hike and afterwards Mr. Man had found Larry and my uncle by the campfire. I had been upstairs tucking Benjamin in for a nap when I came down to join them.

That’s when he held me with his eyes. Right there by the campfire with everyone chattering around us, he just looked at me and told me – without saying a word – “I’m here. I like you. And I’m not going anywhere – unless you tell me to.”

He nearly knocked me off of my little log stool. I swear, I still don’t know how he did that…

To be continued… Read the next Mr. Man installment here.

[Photo credit: Paul Schmaltz]

Oh me, oh my. The sparks are flying.

mssinglemama — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 02:03:56 +0000

Remember what crush butterflies feel like?

Sparking all over the place, in the flesh or online – in your head, in your heart or in your throat. They’re palpable and you feel as if you could reach down into your soul and touch them. But what happens when those sparks are one sided? Or when someone feels sparks for two people at the same time?

Lately I can’t seem to get this idea of sparks out of my head. What are they? And how can you tell if you’re both feeling them?

My case in point.

Last weekend Benjamin and I found a Brio train table, complete with the tracks and the trains at a garage sale. The price? $75.00. I had to buy it. But how would I move it? I looked at my tiny Ford Focus, my tiny and grumpy little man and then at the two nice guys at the sale. Bingo.

“I’ll take it if you can deliver it. I just live right around the corner.”

They were more than happy to help and during the moving process one of them was being particularly attentive. He had blond hair, big blue eyes, a fantastic smile and a bare left finger. Before they left he invited Benjamin and I to stop by anytime, “You know where I live!” He seemed interested… but I wasn’t.

Which led me to wonder, can sparks - true sparks – be one sided? And if they are, can a one sided spark spark another spark?

I was curious. So five days later Benjamin and I popped by his place on one of our afternoon walks. He showed us the house he had renovated solo, asked tons of questions about Benjamin and about being a single mom. I also found out that he’s a very successful architect. But, alas, no spark.

I left with his number in my hand and no desire to call him.

Two days later I met one of you – one of my readers! Julie is a single mom who has a breath-takingly beautiful 17-month-old daughter, Zoe. When we met the sparks were flying everywhere. We talked and talked and talked while the kids played. And then it hit me – Julie and the architect! They would be perfect …

I briefed her on the situation, told her I had no spark but that he might have one for me … but she, like me, is a big girl with a strong head on her shoulders and she completely understood, “I get it. It’s the spark thing. You never know.” So we set out to find out if the sparks would fly between the two of them.

When we showed up at his house for drinks the architect was immediately drawn to Julie. In fact, he was so zoned in on her that I felt like I had to make myself scarce. “You guys cool if I run and get take and bake?”

“Yes!” They both chimed.

For the rest of the night when I would try to talk he actually stopped me and said, “Wait, Julie, what were you saying?” So I just sat there and twiddled my thumbs careful not to interrupt. As soon as we left, Julie and I immediately started assesing the sparks.

“So, did you feel one?” I asked her.

“Yes! Definitely, but did he have one? I couldn’t tell.” She had a point – what if he was just being incredibly sweet and courteous, because he’s like that – maybe he’s just a nice guy. There’s one truth about sparks, you can’t see them.

“Well,” I said, “There’s only one way to find out. Ask him.”

So she did. Tonight Julie called the Architect and asked him out on a date. Yep. She did it. And I’m SO proud of her. His answer – he had a very, very busy weekend filled with mundane things he had to do but that Sunday might work out and that he’d call her this weekend to firm it up. So now we wait to see if the sparks were mutual.

And even if he never calls, which I highly doubt, at least there’s a solid spark between Julie and I – the friendship spark – the best one of them all.

Other posts you might like:

Go pick up a man, I dare you!

Will he call? On asking men out – flat out.

Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 1

Single mom dating tips, Part 2

[Photo Credit: Kate Winslet in Romance & Cigarrettes]

Go pick a man up. I dare you!

mssinglemama — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 02:40:27 +0000

It’s Spring. I’m feeling frisky … and I know you are too!

So… I dare you to ask a guy out.

If you’re like me and the idea of going out on a date makes your stomach squirm, then you get a reprieve. It’s only been one week since my break up, so I get to take a time out. As for the rest of you – how long has it been since your last date? If it’s been a while – then why aren’t you out there?

I know it’s a huge pain in the ass to date … but don’t you miss it? Are there any guys you have little crushes on? Could the feeling be mutual? Find out. Ask him. Put yourself out of your misery and just do it.

If you read my blog regularly you know I’m a huge advocate of women taking the plunge and asking men out, flat out

Here are a few little tid bits on asking men out.

1. Men love being asked out, it’s flattering.

2. (If they’re actually single) they rarely say “No.”

3. You seem confident and sexy.

4. You have nothing to lose. At the end of the day you know one way or another whether or not he likes you. Peace of mind is priceless.

5. Your gut is rarely wrong. If he’s been flirting with you or just smiling at you in the coffee shop, he’s probably into you. He’s giving you the green light.

6. Men are lazy when it comes to romance. They prefer it if we do the work – and that includes asking them out.

So I’m daring you all to ask someone out, a stranger, a friend or a crush…here’s how:

Find a common interest through conversation and then ask him if he’d like to join you the next time you go (insert activity here). Offer him your number (don’t get his). Then the ball is back in his court.

See? Easy as pie. Do it! It’s Spring! C’mon!

»So where are you going to find them? Read my Top Spots to Meet Men

Will he call? On asking men out…flat out.

mssinglemama — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 18:34:02 +0000

Rachel Sarah (Single Mom Seeking), has had quite a few very, very interesting posts this week. She was wondering if she should seek out a date for Valentine’s Day. It’s been a year of pure singleness for Rachel after a painful break up.

I suggested she ask a man out. Why not? We single moms have to take matters into our own hands and when it comes to dating – that means picking up men. Seriously – asking them out, flat out.

So – she followed my advice and the advice of all of her readers – and did it. She asked a guy out! Now she’s waiting to see if he’ll call…get the details here...very exciting stuff! And read my comments in her posts for more on how this method has worked for me in the past.

Have you ever done it? I have always advocated this … as you can read in some of my former posts. Why? Because men rarely ask women out. And if we do it – we are automatically a million times sexier because we are “confident, assertive” women who want them. They just love it. Once you realize the power you have when it comes to men you’ll be forever changed. Besides – it’s just fun.

Top Spots to Meet Men (kid tested and mama approved)

mssinglemama — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 22:43:27 +0000

Before you read this – know this – men rarely approach women.

What they will do is throw a glance or two your way, or make it a point to keep crossing your path. Until we can train our children to throw cupcakes at men to get their attention – we’ll have to take matters into our own hands. But before you can approach them you have to find them. And for a single mom – that’s the tough part. We’re rarely away from our kids if we’re not at work. So here are tons of kid-friendly spots to meet Mr. Right or just a cute boy toy.

My Top Places to Meet Men (all kid-tested and mama approved)

Festivals or concerts – the men at festivals and concerts are one step abbove the men you’ll meet at a bar. They enjoy good music, culture and are active members in their community.
Community social groups – check out Craigslist.com – there’s a world of groups out there. Try a community hike – gives you tons of conversation starters and the kids will love it.
The grocery store (on a Monday night) – if you haven’t noticed yet, grocery stores are FULL – FULL of single men on Monday nights. Not sure why. Probably because the stores are nice and quiet. Men hate shopping, so they often don’t put it on the top of their list over a weekend.
The bookstore or the library – conversation starters galore. “Is that a good book?” “Have you tried the coffee here?” Etc.
The park – yes, I’ve actually picked up a man at the park with Benjamin. He was a single dad. It was awesome. Didn’t work out, but felt great knowing that there are men out there.
The sidewalk – if he’s really hot you could accidentally bump into him with the stroller. I’ve been very, very tempted to do this a few times but chickened out.
The coffee shop – at my local coffee shop there’s a kid’s play area. Benjamin loves to run around the place throwing balls to men. They usually all play along. It’s adorable and he does the work for me.
Online – there are a lot of men to meet. I have yet to have a good experience from online dating. If you do want to try it – choose a site like Yahoo Personals or Match.co m where you can search the men for free. Or better yet, MySpace. You can search your zip and find men by age, relationship status or industry. The biggest plus – you can search their profile and get a quick snapshot of their true personality/style. DO NOT use E-Harmony. It’s a scam. Here’s my E-Harmony dating review.