A few weeks ago, or was it months? my ex offered, or did I ask? to take Benjamin two nights a week instead of one.
For several weeks he upheld his new commitment, enjoying every extra moment with his son until on week four he told me he was tired. I understood. It’s hard. This kid thing, this three-year-old thing.
But while adjusting to two nights a week with your son after three years of one is tough, adjusting to two nights of freedom, I found, is much easier.
I have been using the extra nights to catch up with long neglected friends and to make appointments for long neglected things, like my teeth.
Last night I got a text, “I will bring Benjamin back tomorrow, I have a meeting on Thursday.”
This morning another text comes, “I need to be done by 5:30. No later. I have my Wednesday night order to fill at work.”
“I have a dentist appointment but it should be done by then,” I tell him later on the phone.
The dentist’s office is remarkable.
They’ve squeezed me in on short notice knowing my insurance expires on Friday.
Just after the needles and just before the numbness creeps into my mouth I start chatting with the assistant. She tells me she was a single mom once too - for three years - and now she’s happily re-married. You can see it in her face - she is happy, completely content.
“It’s funny, isn’t it? How much easier it is to find a good man when you already have the child,” I tell her. [click to continue…]
The other night on Twitter (my new addiction) I stumbled across an interesting Tweet from a guy named Seth. Then I clicked through to his blog and felt like I’d slipped into the world of my male alter-ego. If I were a dude and childless, I think I’d be him.
I immediately asked him for a guest post on dating single moms… and just a few days later - here it is. (I love those productive types). I think you’ll love him too after reading this post, just what the doctor ordered for any single mom and the men who are lucky enough to date one of us.
“I’m the mother of three kids. Ages 2 through 7. They live with me,” she said over a spoonful of macadamia white chocolate ice cream.
I remember Kathleen’s exact words not for their syllables but for the look on her face as she said them. The blank look of expectation as she waited for me to voice my rejection.
“You’re kidding. I’m not ready to have a family.” She expected me to say. Most single moms expect guys to run when they mention a child. This need not be the case. [click to continue…]
Finally! My video of Morgan and Ronnie is finished.
We shot this on my trip to Kentucky with Mr. Man a few weeks ago… I think you’ll find their advice on being a dating single mom and finding love incredibly valuable. As you know, there are no easy answers. Some of the questions we address in the video:
What is it like for a man dating a single mom?
What should single moms look out for, or avoid, while dating?
And, why is it so important to take your time and choose wisely?
Just last week, Morgan announced on her blog that Ronnie is ring shopping and I think - as you’ll see here - that they are a match made in Heaven.
If you have anything to add - any other dating or love advice for single moms - leave a comment!
Leah, of Mama Dharma.net, a phenomenal single mom blog I just discovered, asked me what my secret was in her comment on my last post. And I have to answer because I think each and every one of you has the potential to unlock the same secret. It’s called inner beauty and strength.
It’s definitely not all about looks, believe me. I have three brothers, I work with a team of men and I like to think I understand them fairly well. And if it were… do you really want to attract a man who is just into your looks? I sure as hell don’t.
So why am I currently fighting men off with sticks?
First, let’s look at the men (there are many I haven’t told you about as well - just dates here and there, non-noteworthy) but most are single dads, divorced or over the age of 30. In other words - they are all mature. And they know what they want - especially if they’ve dated a single mom before. If a man I’m on a date with has been with a single mom before, the stigma falls away. He’s already over the “kid thing” and has, as I like to put it, seen the light.
Here’s why single mothers are so appreciated and coveted by men:
1.They can already see what kind of mothers we are. This is huge. Remember, men are simple creatures. [click to continue…]
My first post, How to Date a Single Mom, Part 1 is a nice list of what men can expect when dating a single mom. But it lacks detail.
And of all of the e-mails I receive, the most common are e-mails from men who have fallen for single moms and the theme question is this:
“I can’t tell if she likes me or if she’s blowing me off. If I go by your advice I should be patient and expect her to keep me at a distance but how can I tell if she’s just not that into me?”
My advice is always to ask her point blank (rip that band aid). But that is probably THE scariest bit of advice I can give them. Men don’t like talking about things - especially the “Do you like me, I like you thing.” So, fellas, here’s some more advice. If you can’t tell clearly that she’s into you, there’s a good chance she’s not but when you’re dating a single mom there’s also a chance she’s keeping you at arms length, afraid to fall. Why? Because she’s been here before, she’s seen the likes of you and even if her heart is telling her to dive right in her mind is screaming “Watch Out”. Can you blame her? So how do you tell if a single mom likes you or not?
I think the more fitting advice in your situation is this - stop worrying about whether or not she likes you and get busy - make her like you, earn her trust and her love.
How to Win a Single Mom’s Trust and Her Heart
1. Ask her how she is doing. First and foremost, on a date, at the beginning of a phone conversation… always ask her how she is doing. This may seem obvious but there are so many men I’ve dated who fail to ask me how I’m doing. (I know, atrocious, that’s why I’m not dating them anymore). The men who ask, wait for an answer, listen to the answer and then respond with encouraging words are the men who catch my attention.
2. Ask her about the kids. Don’t force this. Be genuine. But ask about her children. She may assume you want nothing to do with her little ones, but asking proves that you do want to learn more about that side of her life. [click to continue…]
On Saturday night Kris came over. Yes, I’m weak. Damn it.
We met at a bar. I called him after writing my baggage post which stirred up all kinds of Kris memories. But by the time he got there my sickness, which had started creeping up on me earlier in the evening, was now a full blown stomach cramp. I could hardly stand up let alone swallow my drink.
“We have to go home, I feel sick.”
“No…,” he takes a step back, “No way. I can not get sick right now.”
This actually made me laugh because the look of fear on his face, he has a very charismatic face, and it looked like I was pointing a gun at his head. I couldn’t blame him. Benjamin’s day care bugs are the worst illnesses I’ve ever had, each one with it’s own unique set of vicious symptoms - pounding headaches, severe stomach cramps or violent coughs. It always surprises me that the little guy handles them with such grace. But not us adults. And Kris, having dated me for six months, has had his fair share of them. [click to continue…]
Thomas, aka “the Dane”, started reading this blog long before his visit. And this morning, I found this in my inbox - a guest blog entry from Thomas on his experience with Benjamin and I.
For the men, this is the perfect addition to my series on How to Date a Single Mom. And for the single moms, here is proof that not all men run away screaming at the idea of dating a single mom (why? because we rock and so do our kids).
Here’s Thomas’ version of our long weekend:
Stepping out of the car in front of the house Benjamin came running towards me, “Daddy!, Daddy!”
You can probably imagine my surprise. Being called “Daddy” by a boy you haven’t seen before – sounds actually like a nightmare. But it took a lot of pressure off of my shoulders. I didn’t have to worry about whether Benjamin would like me or not – a major concern of mine before coming. Instead I dropped my bags and started playing with him. This was followed by the warm welcome by Alaina whom I hadn’t seen in seven years.[click to continue…]
I wrote it for one reason…to help the men who have truly fallen for one of us. And then this adorable comment came in the other day. Check this out…
“Stumbled upon this site in my attempt to understand the single mom’s point of view, and I have found it o be the most eye-opening and informative site I have come across. This is all brand-new to me - I have been pursuing the greatest woman I’ve met in years only to find out she has a wonderful 2-year-old…which explains part of why she is so amazing herself. I asked her out, to which she replied that she needs to be friends first and really establish trust. At first I thought I was being blown-off…I get it now. Patience, understanding, and sincerity pay off I guess - no matter how long it takes. And just as I told her, I’m not going anywhere. Thanks for providing a service to not only all you strong, independent single mom’s out there, but to the formally clueless guys who love them.” - Milo.
Do you have any advice for men, like Milo, who have fallen for a single mom? What can he do to earn her trust? Should he leave flowers on her doorstep? No, because then the kids would see it. Maybe a letter in the mailbox?
Hi guys. So you’ve fallen for a single mom? I don’t blame you. You’ve found a woman who has been put to one of life’s hardest tests – on her own – and survived. Single mothers are amazing.
But, she’s created a life for her and her little ones and letting anyone in could be risky. If you want in, you’ve got to be patient, understanding and respectful.
You may be feeling a bit overwhelmed. I’m hoping these tips will help you out. But first, let me preface it with this…
One guy dating my best single mom friend, Abby, told me, “someone needs to write a book about dating a single mom.” I shook my head, “no, someone needs to write a book about dating Abby.” With or without her daughter, Abby is Abby and she’s a firecracker.
My point. Yes, we are single moms. But kids or no kids, we are still the same people. We still have the same communication issues, the same baggage, the same heart aches, the same dreams, the same goals, the same desires.
With that in mind here are some single mom dating tips for the guys. Moms, check out my single mom dating tips here.
Be patient. She may seem rough around the edges – that’s her finely tuned defense mechanism. Don’t worry, in time, that tough cookie will crack and you’ll discover a well of the most rewarding love you’ve ever imagined. But until she can completely trust you – hang on for the ride.
No experience with kids? Who cares. We’re all big kids inside. Were you ever a kid? So you do have some experience! Don’t be afraid to get down on your hands and knees and run around with her little ones. Experience or not. If you love her, loving her kids will come naturally. Just because she’s a single mom doesn’t mean she’s looking for Mr. Super Dad. She’s looking for someone who has the ability to completely and totally love her children.
She’s testing you. Yes, she’s testing you. She has to. Think about it. Would you want to date a single mom who didn’t have high expectations for who she let’s into her child’s life? Don’t stress out about the tests. Chances are you won’t even notice them. Just be yourself and you’ll pass. The most important thing is to try to understand why she needs to test you. Understand it, respect it and once again, be patient.
If she hasn’t introduced you to her kids… don’t pressure her and don’t think it means she’s not serious about the relationship. This is not about you. She’s doing what she has to do to protect her family. Once again, understand it, respect it and be patient. Your reaction to these obstacles and your patience will mean everything to her.
Don’t play games. Single moms don’t have time to play games. If you wait three days to call her play any other dating games she’ll lose patience and probably drop you before you have a chance to hurt her.
If you aren’t into her – tell her right away. If you don’t have serious intentions or if you don’t think there’s a chance in hell you would ever “settle down” with her than for god’s sake – tell her. You never know, she might be totally up for a casual relationship too. If not, at least you weren’t messing with a single mom, that’s just wrong.
Treat her like a princess. This applies to dating all women, moms or not. Just didn’t want you to forget it.
Talk to her about her kids. Ask her how they’re doing. Ask how she’s doing. And listen to her answers.
If you’re a control freak…you might want to move on. You’re dating a single mom. She’s in control and you might just have to follow her lead for a while before she relinquishes any.
If you really want to be with her… prove your worth. Not with money, although money is always nice to have. But with actions. What do you bring to the table? These are questions and tests you usually don’t have to ask yourself when dating single, childless women. But with a single mom, life is happening – right now. How will you handle it? Can you clean? Can you cook? No? You better learn or at least try.
Make her life easier. Single moms don’t like asking for help. Take the initiative. Make her life easier. Maybe it’s making her smile, hugging her, taking out her garbage or bringing over some treats for the kids. Bottom line – if you’re making her life easier you’re in.
What you’ll get in return…you getthe girl. And what an amazing girl she is. Good luck!
