Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama » For the men

Cabin Fever, Part 3

mssinglemama — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 03:31:27 +0000

I followed my gut.

And my gut was right. It was marvelous.

Cabin Man (who deserves another name all together and will now be called Kennedy) knocked the wind out of me.

On my long drive through the gorgeous, albeit slightly frightening bible beating countryside, I let my mind wander and threw all of my expectations out of the window.

We met a few miles down the road from his house. As soon as he jumped in my car he couldn’t stop looking at me and then he said, ”You are stunning. Look at you! Now, what in the world is a girl like you visiting a guy like me for?”

“I like you,” I say, “And don’t be so modest, you’re not so bad yourself.”

Suddenly I wonder just what I am doing there. He lives two and a half hours away. We come from different worlds. Me a doctor’s daughter, him the son of a steel worker. But there’s something about him. Something I felt when we met last weekend. There’s a serious spark and it’s not just physical.

We grab some pizza and then head into the woods, to his cabin – soon to be a house, the camp fire is raging and the house behind it is nothing like I’d envisioned. It’s nice, very nice. Trees he dug up by hand, now naked of their bark, line the stairs up to a loft. This one room cabin is eventually going to be the living room of his house.

The project started after he’d found out his wife had cheated on him with his best friend. “Every nail,” he explains, “Every piece of this place was built in a blurry haze of anger. I felt like I’d been shafted.”

Who wouldn’t? And now he’s here, back in his home town, living on his parent’s plot of land and re-building his life.

“But, I’m finally getting it,” he says, “I’m finally understanding what life is all about and it’s fantastic.” His bright blue eyes are squinted from his huge grin and he’s shaking his head. “I just can’t get over it.” There’s nothing I enjoy more than meeting a single parent who has crossed that line into freedom from the past. And he’s there.

After my tour we sit down by the fire. Instead of going out to a local dive bar, as we’d originally planned, we

just sat and talked for hours and hours. He stays in his chair, four feet from the blanket I’m curled up on. Finally, after he’s passed all of my little tests, namely the gentleman test, I invited him to sit down with me.

The next morning we made eggs and bacon over the fire.

“I don’t want to leave,” I said sipping on my coffee. And I really didn’t. There’s something about the woods. I can’t get enough. Disappearing from the city and being there, with him… the sparks were now raging fiercely just like the fire. “I could kidnap you.” He laughs and tells me I should.

“So when am I going to see you again?” he asked. I didn’t have an answer. Logistically we are screwed. He’s a single dad, with a 3-year-old and a 6-year-old, both of whom he has every single weekend (this weekend was the one exception all year) and I have a 2-year-old.

I explained this all to him after we started plotting a camping trip with all of the kids.

“Benjamin may not really get it, but your kids definitely will. They’ll see us together and sense that something’s up. That could mess with their little heads,” I said.

“But,” he said, “what’s wrong with kids seeing something so good? I totally understand though. You’re doing the right thing, you’re an amazing mom and I’m not going to intrude. You just let me know what you want.”

And here is when this blog, everything I’ve been writing, comes full circle and my mind wanders to all of the conversations we’ve had about this in the past. But when it’s staring you in the face – this desire to see someone again fighting against the desire to protect your children – it isn’t so easy.

I think a joint camping trip in neutral territory might be okay. I enjoy this man. I want to see him again, but how can I without hurting Benjamin in some way? And what about Kennedy’s kids? How do you really date another single parent?

I call it the single mom dating conundrum. I should call it the single parent dating conundrum. And now, I’m right in the thick of it. Wish I could write advice for myself. Until then, I’m tossing it to all you. Be honest, be brutal. I don’t care. Put me out of my misery.

If you missed the beginning of this story…

Cabin Fever, Part 1

Cabin Fever, Part 2

Read the END: Cabin Fever, Part 4

Are your still obsessed with your ex?

mssinglemama — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 21:40:55 +0000

This is for the guys.

The men who have fallen madly and crazy in love with a single mom need our help. Time and time again I get e-mails from men telling me devastating stories of how their single mom, the love of their life, is still tied to her ex emotionally. They find this out when it’s too late… after they’ve fallen hard. And sometimes I’m the one to break the bad news to them after putting two and two together.

Take Jon B. for example. Many of you know him from his active commenting on this blog… and for months now he’s been sharing beautiful comments about how he fell so hard for his single mom and her son. And now he’s discovered in the aftermath of their split that she’s still pining for her ex. Read about it here.

So how can men like Jon find out if a single mom is still attached to her ex before they fall head over heals for her? What can they do to help her along the way? Is there hope that she’ll move on?

Here are the signs I’d watch out for:

Calling the ex frequently – more than once a day, and without clear reason.
Talking about the ex too frequently.
She clams up with you after she’s seen him, unable to be physically relaxed or she just blows you off all together.

Single moms, does any of this sound familiar? Are there any other signs? Are you still obsessed with your ex? If so, what are your steps toward forgetting about him?

I know it’s not easy. Because, unlike the childless, our ex is the father of our children – and that opens up an entirely new chapter in the break up book.

My advice to forget about the ex:

Move on. Get back out there and start dating. There are so many amazing men waiting to treat you like you deserve to be treated. It will put things into perspective.
Get in touch with your old single self again. What makes you, you? Do more of the things you love or discover new hobbies.
Put those old pictures away. Don’t trash them – the kids will want them, but get them out of your house – maybe grandma’s.
Surround yourself with a support network of real friends, ideally other single parents. Find someone you can call when you’re crying.
If you must, make a list of why you left him. Read it every time you’re wishing you were still together. [Hide this one from the kids]

Again, anything to add? Please share your thoughts. Inquiring minds, namely men who love us and other single moms who have yet to forget about their ex-man, want to know…

Can he commit? Check his cab light.

mssinglemama — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 04:28:59 +0000

A friend of mine has fallen.

Totally and completely. Off the deep end. In love. And the man… he’s falling too. They’re both young. Their lives are together. Everything is ripe for – BIG BREATHLESS PAUSE – marriage. (Yes, I said that scary “M” word) One huge reason for this – both of their cab lights are on. They’ve both finally decided, in their own time, that it’s time to settle down.

What is a cab light you ask?

A cab light (I’m stealing this from Sex and the City) is when someone, namely a man, is ready to get married. When a man’s cab light is on it means he’s ready for a long-term fare or committed relationship.

But you can’t force a cab light to turn on. That’s the tricky party. It’s all about timing. So should you wait for your man’s cab light to go on? Or should you just give up? You definitely can’t pressure a man into marriage or commitment – that’s relationship suicide.

So when a man’s cab light is on does that mean he’ll fall for the first fare that falls into his lap?

I’ll toss it to Johneen Manning at Filly.ca who wrote an amazing article on the cab light theory:

While it may not be completely true that a man with his light on will be game for taking a march down the aisle with just anyone, chances are he’s got forever on his mind and is looking for a lady who fits into his game plan. If he doesn’t have his light on, you can safely consider him allergic to any major form of commitment in the near future. Oh, he may try to squeeze himself in the marrying man’s shoes, but (unlike women) men don’t wear uncomfortable shoes.
It’s not to say that just because your guy isn’t actively looking for a lifelong passenger that he’s not the one for you — but don’t fool yourself to thinking he’s the one for you right now. Don’t waste your time trying to convince (or trick) him into forever: it’s the oldest game in the book, and you’ll end up being the biggest loser (toting baggage filled with heaps of hostility and resentment) if you do. The decision has to be made of his own volition. What phase of life is your guy in?

Good stuff. Keep reading to learn how to spot different stages of manhood like “Foot Loose and Fancy-Free”, “All About Me” or the “Family Man.”

What do you think about the Sex and the City cab light theory? Is timing really everything? For my friend it is and I couldn’t be happier for her! They really, truly adore each other and I so want it to work out.

[Photo: The World Famous Ultimate Taxi]

Single Moms & Dating (the video)

mssinglemama — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 04:41:09 +0000

Here it is..

Ignore the smudge and it’s perfect. Making this video was SO MUCH fun.

Morgan and I will be together again soon to make more … let us know what you think of this one and if there’s anything else you’d like to see us discuss or cover! Above all, we hope this video helps you to realize that single moms are absolutely beautiful and absolutely dateable. In fact, we’re some of the best women out there … enjoy!

P.S. A big thanks to Depot Dad (our camera man), couldn’t have done it without him. All three of us met on iHeartSingleParents.com, the first and the greatest single parent social network. If you liked the t-shirts in the video buy them here.

Dating Karma

mssinglemama — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 19:48:06 +0000

Dating as a single mom is hard to describe to anyone other than my fellow single parents. Hence this blog and my slew of single mom and dad friends. Without them and without you, I’d be lost.

So here’s another dating tip from me to you … I think if you start practicing this immediately your love life will improve.

But first … some background on how I discovered the power of dating karma – back in my wild single days I wouldn’t think twice about blowing a guy off. Never calling him back or being dishonest with him about my intentions seemed like part of the game. “All is fair in love and war,” I used to say.

I had been hurt and so I would hurt back. It seemed fair. But now I see clearly that I was a coward on many levels. I didn’t have the courage or the maturity to tell men the truth. To this day I regret the pain that my dishonesty must have caused. Because each of those men probably went out and did the same thing to a woman they were dating.

I call it dating karma.

If you are dishonest with someone, cheat on someone or lie to them – pick your poison – it eventually comes full circle.

After my divorce I realized that I had a clean dating slate – a new beginning to set my dating karma right. Every single one of my dates or relationships since has ended with complete honesty. It’s not easy, believe me, there’s nothing harder than looking at someone in the face and saying point blank: I can’t be with you anymore because of [enter reason here].

But finding the courage to tell someone the truth helps them to grow and it helps you grow as you discover what kind of man you really want to be with. And if dating karma is on your side – you’ll have more dates and more calls. It’s a win-win.

I told Julie about my theory…and she shook her head in agreement. When the Architect never called her back she said, “It was that E-Harmony guy! I never called him back!”

Yep. It was that E-Harmony guy. Seriously. Dating karma people – don’t abuse it. Be honest with each other always. Us singles are all in this together – so play nice!

P.S. Should I call the Architect back to keep my dating karma safe? I’ll explain everything as best as I can, “Ummm… hey, buddy you didn’t get the hint but I’m not interested but you’d be a great friend.” Or should I let it ride? Hmmmm…. maybe he deserves a shrug because he never called her back.

What do you think? Should I call him?

How to date the childless.

mssinglemama — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 21:03:07 +0000

The first question most single parents ask when they finally get back out there on the dating scene is, “Can I even date someone without a kid?”

The challenges to dating someone without a child can be daunting. Will they ever understand your life? And when they do – will they run away screaming in fear once they realize that parenting never ends? It can also be irritating to date childless people.

They often lack genuine empathy for your situation, talk about stuff that just seems pointless and annoy you with stories about how hard their lives are. But, as one of my friends said recently, “You can’t help who you fall in love with.”

When I left my ex-husband and Benjamin was just four-months-old I couldn’t imagine anyone joining our lives but they did and the relationships didn’t end because I’m a single mom, they ended because child or not we weren’t a good match.

Here are some things you can do to fan the flames of a romance with the single and childless.

1. Be patient. They’re not going to “get it” right away nor should they need to. Do you know if you’re going to marry this person or be in a long-term relationship with them? No way. You might have a feeling in your gut, but that’s not enough to warrant long chats about how they’ll perform as a father or a mother. And besides, nothing will freak them out more than these kinds of questions. These questions will come later and by the time later comes you might not even want to be with them any more.

2. Put it into perspective. Before you became a parent – you weren’t one. Duh! You’re shouting at your computer screen. But, seriously, think about it. Being a parent is nothing anyone can prepare for and chances are you wouldn’t have predicted what kind of parent you are today. There’s no way to tell what kind of parent your flame will become once they’ve fallen for your kids. Don’t waste your time analyzing their every move. Instead, focus on how they treat you – this will give you the answers on how they will eventually treat your children.

3. Go easy on them. DO NOT ask or tell them to be your child’s missing parent, DO NOT expect them to save you and DO NOT ask them to move in until you’ve been dating for at least one year. These are recipies for disaster. You’ll freak them out. And besides, you’re probably moving too quickly. You have a child now so everything must move slowly. No more whirlwind romances. This is one of the hardest facts to come to terms with, dating will never be the same.

4. Find your fun side again. This one was tough for me. During the first year, I had a really tough time relaxing on a date or just chatting about something other than Benjamin. I thought it was all they were thinking about (the fact that I’m a single mom) when in reality, I was the one thinking about it constantly. Eventually I let my hair down and said hello to that single chick inside of me again.

5. They don’t really care that you’re a single parent unless you make them care. This is the most important lesson I’ve learned. If someone falls in love with you, the fact that you’re a single mom or dad is icing on the cake. But before they fall in love with you try to avoid scaring them off with negative comments about being a single mom. For example, don’t say “Being a single mom is SO hard, you have no idea, sometimes I just want to die.” Keep your single parent anxieties to yourself and your close friends until you’ve been dating someone for a while.

Would dating another single parent be easier? Sure. At the beginning, you’d have more to talk about, you could relate, he would instantly get the parenting thing. But dating another parent opens another can of challenges, I’ll save that one for later.

In the meantime, I hope these mini-lessons help. Do you have any to add? Or any stories about dating the single and childless?

P.S. I hope the networks are reading this post, there could be an entire soap opera titleds, “The Single & Childless.” Awesome.

Related Posts:

Date Night

Do Men Really Care if You’re a Single Mom

Can Single Moms Fall in Love?

Can Men Feel Empathy?

[Photo Credit: "Love XOXO" by Pink Sherbet on Flickr]

Boys vs. Men

mssinglemama — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 02:09:49 +0000

There are men, and then there are boys…

This weekend two boys (who shall remain unnamed) where sitting in my kitchen. I was hosting a mini after hours thing. So, I popped a pizza in the oven.

“I’m running outside, keep an eye on the pizza, okay?”

“What? What are we supposed to look for?” one of them asked.

I ignored it, assuming he was joking. Five minutes later I walked back inside and the oven was smoking. I flipped out. One thing about being a single mom with zero interest in boys…you don’t give a damn if they think you’re “uncool” or “bitchy” – especially if it’s late at night and you’ve had a few shots of tequila.

“What’s wrong with you guys? You seriously don’t know how to cook a frozen pizza?!!!”

Did they jump up to grab the pizza? No. They sat there defending themselves…they didn’t jump until the fire alarm went off – and even then, I had to tell them to go turn it off. Unbelievable.

These two boys are clearly far from becoming men, but that doesn’t mean they’re necessarily immature. Maturity is something that’s hard to put a finger on … and no matter what a boy or man’s age, his maturity level can run the gamut. The true measure of a man’s maturity is how he treats you, not whether or not he knows how to cook frozen pizza.

Enter Larry Bilotta’s Male Maturity Scale, he sent it to me after discovering my blog through the post, “Should I Leave My Husband?”. Usually reserved for married women trying to find out what makes their husband’s tick, Larry realized how useful this scale can be for dating single moms.

Here’s how it works – have four women, your friends, your family or even your guy’s ex-wife or girlfriend rate him on this scale. Why? Because your view could be clouded if you’re too close to him.

–The Male Maturity Scale by Larry Bilotta –

Baby Man

He wants his own way all of the time. You owe him his happiness. He owes you nothing. It all revovles around him. He’s obsessed with himself.

Kid Man

He can be nice sometimes but when bad feelings stroke, he can’t fight them off and becomes selfish, nasty and demanding. He may even give you the silent treatment.

Teen Man

He knows what’s right and wrong in a relationship but he can be swayed from doing what he knows he ought to do. The more bad feelings you have, the more bad feelings he gets.

Young Man

He wants to do the right thing for you most of the time but a nasty comment can get away from him now and then. He does apologize since he knows when he strayed from his promises.

Together Man

He loves you, is considerate of your feelings and your security. He thinks about what’s important to you above the demands of the rest of the world. It’s rare when he gets self centered but it does happen.

Mature Man

He’s strong in the issues of family. A man of steel who will defend you against all comers, yet a man of velvet who is considerate, thoughtful, great with kids and keeps his bad feelings under control. Never arrogant, always fun and a great listener who is easy to love

———————–

I’m thinking the Mature Man sounds ideal for us single moms … but what are the odds of finding a Mature Man who isn’t already snatched? Hmmm… let me know what you think – leave your comments and dish some dirt on your men or ex-men.

Larry is reading and will be available to give you one-on-one responses or if you’d like to contact him personally visit, Marriage Success Secrets.com.

[Photo Credit: The Sewing Bird]

Man up fellas…why? Because you’re the man, damn it.

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 3

mssinglemama — Thu, 29 May 2008 13:41:20 +0000

Thomas, aka “the Dane”, started reading this blog long before his visit. And this morning, I found this in my inbox – a guest blog entry from Thomas on his experience with Benjamin and I.

For the men, this is the perfect addition to my series on How to Date a Single Mom. And for the single moms, here is proof that not all men run away screaming at the idea of dating a single mom (why? because we rock and so do our kids).

Here’s Thomas’ version of our long weekend:

Stepping out of the car in front of the house Benjamin came running towards me, “Daddy!, Daddy!”

Ed note: Benjamin calls every man “Daddy”

You can probably imagine my surprise. Being called “Daddy” by a boy you haven’t seen before – sounds actually like a nightmare. But it took a lot of pressure off of my shoulders. I didn’t have to worry about whether Benjamin would like me or not – a major concern of mine before coming. Instead I dropped my bags and started playing with him. This was followed by the warm welcome by Alaina whom I hadn’t seen in seven years.

However, she came in second at this point! And this turned out to be the same way I was going to feel during the next five days. Benjamin was of course the number one priority. I had never experienced this before, so it took me a little while to get used to – being left in the middle of a conversation, a movie or something else because of a cry or an unusual sound from upstairs. This was perhaps the biggest challenge during my visit. Accepting to be second.

It was also difficult for me to know when Benjamin had crossed the line. We all have our different ideas of how to raise a kid and I had to find hers. This meant that I had a hard time knowing when to react on his cries and when not to.

These things aside, the five days were great. I loved being part of a family. I loved being able to spoil a mom by helping out around the house, cooking and by going shopping so she could have some more time with Benjamin.

Seeing her face light up with appreciation was the best and it showed me that it is still true that helping others make you happy and that the little things really do matter!

Being part of this family was addictive, though, and it was very difficult leaving. So now I can’t wait until I once again step out of a car – somewhere in this world – and have a little kid run towards me crying “Daddy!, Daddy!”

Now, how sweet is that? Can’t wait to see you in August Thomas! And if you missed the others…

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 1

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 2

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 4

[Photo: Thomas and Benjamin enjoying the sunny deck at Grandma's]

Fast Forward a few months … and read about my trip to visit Thomas.

Dear Single Men:

mssinglemama — Fri, 23 May 2008 02:36:09 +0000

I would like to introduce you to a phone.

That thing with numbers. You push them. Then you talk to the person on the other end, and if it’s a girl you’re asking out for the very first time you make the call at a reasonable hour – ask her questions about herself, yada, yada – find a mutual meeting spot and set a date. You DO NOT SEND A TEXT MESSAGE.

If I were 15, it might be okay. But I’m 29! And I want to date a man, not a boy.

Remember the guy who kept texting me? I was so annoyed I texted him to call me the next time. Five days later, not phone call and then – another text. At this point the Dane had landed and the guy didn’t have shot in hell, but this is still funny.

Here’s how it ended.

Five days later … another text!

His Text: What are you doing this weekend?

My Text: Going to Athens.

His Text: Ha! See ya there.

My Text: Which festival are you going to?

No response.

And then late that night, while I’m falling asleep… my phone rings. It’s him! What??? I send it to voice mail. Then it rings again! And he leaves another voice mail. Two voice mails. The next morning I listen to them.

Message 1:

“Hi, Alaina, It’s Engineer. I – ughhh – hope you still remember me, I’m the guy you met at the bar the other night. Anyway, I really hope we get to hang out again. Later.”

Message 2:

“Hi, Alaina!” repeat first message but slightly altered and insert “So, if you ever need help with your fish, let me know.”

MY FISH? I DON’T HAVE ANY FRICKING FISH.

What is wrong with this guy? He’s calling two separate girls. He probably doesn’t even remember what I look like. The thing is, he seemed relatively sober when we met, was totally together, sexy and smart. Now I can clearly see that he’s an alcoholic or something. Or is he just a complete idiot?

The next morning I call him back.

“Hi, Engineer, it’s Alaina.”

We are actually talking. For the first time since the night we met at a bar three weeks beforehand.

“So…you called me twice last night.”

“Oh, I totally don’t remember.”

“You said you’d help me with my fish. I don’t have any fish.”

“Well, I totally don’t remember.”

Random chit chat ensues and I hang up the phone completely mystified as to why and how I could have ever thought this guy was dateable. He proceeds to text me that night and then call me on Monday, I sent it to voicemail and this time he didn’t leave a message. And I’m not calling him back.

Moral: Guys – if you’re asking us out for the first time – call us! (we think texting constantly is creepy and cowardly); Ladies, respect yourself enough not to let them get away with it.

Had to finish this story before I could write about the weekend with the Dane.

[Photo caption: Lamborghini iPhone]

Prince Charming can kiss my ass

mssinglemama — Wed, 14 May 2008 04:02:41 +0000

Once upon a time, I was in love with my son’s father.

At the beginning, he would make me breakfast every morning. He would hold me tight and whisper sweet nothings into my ear. We couldn’t get enough of each other. The sexy french accent didn’t help either. And when he told me it was “Magic” I believed him. I still believe that. It was magic because we were supposed to make Benjamin.

My little prince charming.

Today, for the first time ever, he told me that he loves me.

“I uuvvv ooooh.”

I uv oooh too, Benjamin.

And if I could do it again. If I had to do it all over again, I would. Because you are my everything. And your toes are pretty damn cute too.

When you’ve already got one prince, can you make room for two? Did you ever believe in a Prince Charming? I know I did. I think I still do. Damn you Disney.