by mssinglemama on April 26, 2009
There are few material things that ever really wow me.
Here are two.
Benjamin’s new “water boots”.
For the first time in three years Benjamin’s father bought him a pair of shoes.
He had no way of knowing this but I’ve been trying to find a cool pair of puddle stomping boots for months. But they never had Benjamin’s size or they were just too cartoony. These are perfect.
We’re about to enter week three of our two nights a week arrangement and with each week my ex is being more responsive, more engaged as a father and even more attentive to my concerns and my needs. I’m not over analyzing it, wondering why now or what next. I’m just enjoying this and fanning the flames of hope.
The future doesn’t have to be so frightening. I make it frightening as a defense mechanism. It’s a bad habit to break but I’m working on it.
My Ford Fiesta.
I am absolutely divinely head over heels in love with my new ride.
I just got home last night but Benjamin and I were out and about all day cruising.
Now I’m wiped out.
I have a lot of video to edit, some posts to write and a secret self-induced single mama mission to tell you about. I just had to go rogue and get a jump start on this whole mission thing. The story will have to wait until I sleep and catch up on everything else.
Until then check out my Fiesta Movement Training Flickr pictures. Start with this picture of me on Lake Michigan in Chicago. Sigh. Then head over to Morgan’s Flickr of the trip because she is actually a photographer. Her shots are, as usual, out of this world.
by mssinglemama on April 8, 2009
Maybe I gave up.
Maybe I just didn’t want to hear another “I can’t” or “I’ll try” - each one cutting a bit deeper than the last.
But somewhere along the way I just stopped.
I stopped asking my ex-husband to spend more time - time outside of his 36 hours a week - with our son.
So I’m not sure why, when Benjamin refused to let go of his father this afternoon, I said, “he needs you now, more than ever - maybe you should spend more time with him.” [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on February 11, 2009
Most of you know her, but for those who don’t - Morgan aka Modern Single Momma - is a light and guiding force for single parents.
After telling her child’s father about her pregnancy he split. Completely split. He hasn’t even met his son. And now he is threatening to take her to court for custody.
It’s every single mothers worst nightmare and now, just days after arriving in Kentucky with her amazing man and her son, Lucca (that’s a photo they took on their road trip from Portland) this is happening.
For those of you who don’t know Morgan is the co-founder of iHeartSingleParents.com - the first social network just for us. She created the site along with her best friend Clare for one reason - to build a place for modern single moms and dads. She is, without a doubt, one of our greatest ambassadors.
Please visit her blog for the entire story and lend your support, advice or whatever you can muster.
She’s freaking out - as any of us would be.
by mssinglemama on February 4, 2009
This is a really, really good question.
One of you posted this comment on my Facebook page and I couldn’t resist bringing it to the table here.
Take the children out of the picture. Just look at yourself - would you date you? (This question applies to those of us in relationships as well).
The night I met Mr. Man my mother and I were polishing our faces and choosing outfits in her room - just a few feet away from the bed where my father died, the same bed I had found myself in on a hot summer night in 2006.
My son, just four-months-old, was curled up into my chest wanting to eat but finding no milk. The stress of the day had left me dry, my breasts completely empty.
A few hours earlier I had nestled him into his car seat surrounded by boxes and laundry baskets of stuff, the only stuff I would have at my mother’s house for the next year. The rest - in the U-Haul - would go to storage until I could find a job and an apartment again. Everything I had worked for in life, every object, seemed completely unnecessary. I just wanted freedom and above all, a safe place for Benjamin.
Nothing else mattered.
The tears were impressive that night and so were the immense feelings of fear and shock - wondering, “How in the hell am I going to do this?” I had left it all behind. My job. My apartment. My friends. I had no money. And now, no breast milk.
Somehow I woke up the next morning with hope and some milk, just enough - not much, but just enough - to get by. Gradually the hope grew and so did Benjamin - inch by inch, piece by piece, laugh by laugh. And on this night, nearly three years later I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and smiled.
Sure the baby weight was gone (all 80 lbs of it) but I had also lost the bitter feelings, the regret, the self-loathing, the worry and felt for the first time that I had finally become who I wanted to be - someone I never imagined I would be, a mother, but also a woman who can take just about anything life throws at her and survive.
And then, as I put on my mom’s red leather coat and let the excitement of the impending night out rush over me, I thought - “I’m totally dating myself and this is awesome. I like me. I like myself again.”
I’ll never forget that moment - ever. I had made it.
Now granted, I met Mr. Man a few hours later but unlike in the past I was not vulnerable. And not once did Benjamin feel the sting of a break up, or see mommy “lose it.” Not once.
I did not lose myself.
I am still discovering who I am, as a mother and as a single woman. I learn something new every day - it seems. But I do know that I can safely say that now, yes, I would date myself.
What about you? Would you date yourself? What are the issues you’re trying to beat in this moment?
by mssinglemama on January 6, 2009
My blog is her blog.
And until she starts her own (which I think she may) Mia will be posting her story here.
As most of you know my best friend Mia just found out four weeks ago that her boyfriend of 6 years and the father of her daughter is leaving. Two weeks later she discovered that the catalyst is an affair with another woman.
Your comments - this picture is of her reading them intently - have helped her more than you know.
Night 1:
He is gone.
My house is empty.
Literally.
No Couch, no clothes in his closet, just gone.
There was no big talk, no special ceremony, nothing to mark his leaving. Just an awkward hug and a goodbye. And then he left. And I stayed. With an empty heart I rocked Sydney in my arms in the middle of an empty room. I rocked her and she cried, and I cried, and she watched me cry and it made her cry harder.
Until recently she thought grown-ups only acted like they were crying when they played pretend with her. She said she was crying because she wanted her daddy to make magnets with her before he went - a gift she got from Santa.
But I knew she just wanted him, and I felt for the first time that I may not be enough.
I have already called him twice, ashamed of my need to hear his voice, hoping there would be sadness in it. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on December 27, 2008
All of Benjamin’s life people have commented on his eyelashes.
“They’re from his father,” I say. They are amazing. Like little butterfly wings.
He also has his father’s body - his shoulders, his legs, his torso and even his little butt. But he has my smile, my eyes and my eyebrows. Like any mother, I day dream about what kind of a man Benjamin will become. But unlike most mothers, I hope against all hopes that, aside from the physical resemblance, that my son is nothing like his father.
——-
His father is the mysterious man who shows up once a week to pick him up for an overnight. We barely know each other any more. I can’t even remember what it felt like to be in love with him - I must have been delusional, I think. There’s nothing there now. Nothing at all. Just a shadow of the girl I used to be… a naive girl who would fall for a man and marry him on a whim because he needed a Green card.
Here’s the thing, when you’re a little girl and you dream of that damn prince and the castle you forget to dream about how he’ll be as a father. At least I did.
This dream surfaces, for some of us, in the form of a blinding nightmare because it’s after we’ve already had his child. And it dawns on us that we’ve bred with a rotten apple, a dud, a bad father. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on December 23, 2008
Because it just has to be said.
Last week I broke the news that my best friend Mia’s boyfriend and the father of her child is moving out. Catch up here if you missed it.
Your responses were overwhelming and she read every one of them. Your thoughts, encouragement and advice meant the world to her and your insights were invaluable - so Thank You from Mia and myself.
Three days later she gave me this letter, “Can you publish this? Please - it’s therapeutic for me.”
Editor’s Note: On the non-capitalizing of The Other Woman’s name - “It’s not a typo,” she told me, “I refuse to give her the respect of capitalizing her first name.” Just one day before she wrote the letter Mia found text messages in her ex’s phone to the extent of, “I can’t wait to have you all to myself.” But the worst one for Mia to read, “So soon… so soon.”
Here’s Mia’s letter to the “other” woman..
To molly, The Other Woman,
I remember meeting you last year with my entire family. I am sure you remember meeting me, along with my then 3 year old daughter Sydney. I made small talk with you about college and your plans for the future like one might do with someone younger, more naive about the world. You reminded me of myself at 23. That is how old I was when I met him. And at 24 I was pregnant. Unplanned and scared, I was making decisions that would affect the rest of my life and the life of the baby inside me. So, I know we are not faceless. I wonder if you have blocked us from your memory out of convenience. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on December 17, 2008
A holiday question about our ex-men.
Do you buy them presents from the kids?
I will not be buying my ex-husband, Benjamin’s father, a Christmas present from myself. I think that’s a given. But what about a gift from Benjamin to his dad? Just shy of three, Benjamin still doesn’t really get the concept of gifts so what’s a single mama to do?
Here are my options:
- Have Benjamin make cards for everyone, including a special card for his father.
- Pick out an actual present, wrap it and tuck it in Benjamin’s bag on Christmas.
- Ignore it all together or as I like to say, “play stupid.”
And what about my ex-husband’s girlfriend and her son? I’ve only met them once but they’ve been living together for over a year now. I can’t trust that my ex will buy a present from Benjamin to his (what do you call them) almost-step mother and step-brother. Should I cover those gifts too?
What have you all done in the past? What’s the typical ex-mas etiquette?
—–
In the ex-mas spirit…
If you haven’t yet and you’d like a few laughs check out my post on Mr. [Blank]. I asked you all to create names for your ex-husbands or boyfriends. The responses (over 40 of them) vary. Some will make you laugh out loud and others are just flat out reminders of why we’re so lucky to be single.
Leave your Mr. Ex Man name here. Guaranteed to cleanse the soul if you leave a comment. Sign in anonymously if you like.
—-
And on a completely random note… I found these the other day - THE perfect gift for teachers or child care givers.
Yogi Cold Defense Tea. You can find them at Whole Foods or other natural grocery stores. I had six teachers and child care givers to shop for, and with my limited budget gift cards were out of the question. Just had to pass this idea on. I found them at $3.29 a box. Here are more teacher gift ideas from iVillage.
If you have any other great gift ideas please share.
by mssinglemama on December 16, 2008
She’s been my best friend my entire life.
And now, she’ll be a single mom.
Her boyfriend of six years and the father of their four-year-old daughter is moving out - the 
catalyst - an affair he’s been having with a young co-worker. On Saturday night she called me, her voice hushed and fringing on frantic.
His moving out had been unfolding for over one week now, the details were intermittent and things were still so unclear. And up until a few hours earlier, she had hope that maybe he would come to his senses and stay.
“I need to drop off a piece of furniture, can you open your garage?”
“Of course, I’ll be out in a minute.”
After we unloaded the dresser, we walked toward my apartment. The kids were already inside playing, her daughter completely unaware of the pain ripping through her mother’s heart. Before we made it to the door she just started sobbing, “there’s someone else. He’s seeing someone else.”
Her voice broke into sobs and I grabbed her in a tight hug, the only thing I could do. I’d never seen her like this - ever. She had been working on their relationship for months and months, seeing a therapist on her own because he refused to go, doing sweet things for him, constantly optimistic that he would “feel better” soon. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on December 14, 2008
I’ve been sleeping quite soundly ever since.
