Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama » Dating, sex and love

Romance vs. Love: What’s the difference?

mssinglemama — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 17:04:11 +0000

I always pick books up, read a chapter or two, set them down for weeks and then pick them back up later to read a few more. If you recall a few posts back I recommended Gloria Steinem’s Revolution from Within. And as usual, I then didn’t finish it… but a few nights ago I started reading it again and flipped directly to the chapter titled Romance versus Love. I’ve attempted to write about the difference here and here – and it’s been a running theme on this blog. The big questions being – what is love, what does love mean to us as single moms, as single women and why do we always seem to choose the wrong men? Had I found this book then, I would have found that Steinem has already sorted it all out for us.

I wanted to share some of her thoughts, as I found them completely awesome.

It’s not easy to generalize about love. Like each person who feels its invisible filaments stretching to another person, it is unique in each instance. Unlike romance, whose plots are uniform enough to be conveyed by shorthand – “if-I-can’t-have-you-no-one-will,” “transitional affair,” “middle-aged crazy,” “the other woman,” “wartime romance,” and so on – love has no standard storyline and no agenda except to deepen the joys and cushion the blows of very individual lives. As Robin Morgan sums up in The Anatomy of Freedom, “Hate generalizes, love specifies.” And romance generalizes, too. When we look for a missing part of ourselves in other people, we blog out their uniqueness. Since most of us have been deprived along gender lines, we generalize about the “opposite sex”, thus rendering it a blank screen on which we project our hopes (in romance) or our fears (in hate). No wonder romane turns so easily to hate, and vice versa.

Steinem continues to write that, as described by those who experience them, the characteristics of love are remarkably similar to the marks of high self-esteem. You’ll have to pick up the book to read the details of each, but here are the characteristics of love:

1. Each partner feels loved for an authentic self. You have to discover the independent part of yourself first, before you can love another.

2. Each one knows she or he could get along without the other – but doesn’t wish to. Free choice is essential to love. We can’t say yes to anyone unless we can also say no.

3. There is plenty of room for playfulness, lightness, and humor. When two realities bump up against each other in intimacy, romance views the contradictions with anger or disillusionment, but love acknowledges them with humor. Romance is inflexible because it tries to predict and control, while love is open-handed and can improvise.

4. Each partner feels empathy for each other. You feel each other’s pain and joy.

5. Love is not about power. Romance is a means to the end of self-completion, but love is an end in itself. Or, as Margaret Anderson put it, “In real love, you want the other person’s good. In romantic love you want the other person.” If we love someone, we want them to continue being the essence of themselves. If so, then we can’t absorb or change them.

And then this, she adds, “All of this sounds like common sense – but unfortunately, it isn’t common. There are many more people trying to meet the right person than to become the right person.”

You can buy the book here. Do it and we can intermittently read along together. Love you, mamas!

A Single Mom’s Guide to Finding a Manperson

mssinglemama — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 00:26:00 +0000

I missed the third anniversary of starting my blog. Typically I give myself a pat on the back for making it this far without either a) quitting or b) losing all of my readers. And then I offer up a recap of my milestone self-discoveries about men and dating as a single mom.

Conveniently for all of you, and keeping with the spirit of this full-disclosure blog, you get to learn from my dating mistakes or accomplishments. But, just remember, you can’t have one without the other. Learn to learn from your mistakes and you’ll be half way there. And besides, you owe your children that much. You’re not just dating for yourself anymore. So how do you learn to date responsibly? How do you break the bad habit of dating men who are bad for you? It’s not easy.

Here’s how I figured that out for myself.

1. First and foremost… accept this fact: Prince Charming does not exist, neither does “the One” and no one is going to rescue you (but yourself).

2. Recognize that you have baggage. And own that baggage. It’s yours, not his.

3. Learn how to love yourself first. And then ask yourself – would you date you?

4. Then go man shopping. You can only get back out there by getting back out there, but don’t lose control. You are the one choosing who you want to be with and when.

5. Forget about your ex. He is your ex for a reason.

6. Dump that guy who just can’t commit. If he’s not ready, and he’s dating a single mom, than he has an alterior motive. Note: he may not be aware of these motives. After all, he’s just a guy. Can you blame him for hanging around your sweet self when you keep opening the door and letting him in? You need to know what you want if you ever want to find it.

7. Step outside of your dating box. Ditch the bad boys and date someone you wouldn’t necessarily see yourself with. After all, you’ve picked the wrong guys all along. Could it be that it’s you–not them? Just a thought. I know, this one was very hard for me to realize. I didn’t realize it until an entire year after leaving Benjamin’s father. And even then, I found it hard to break my mold and date genuine nice guys.

8. When you do find him you will know because being with him will feel like being wrapped up in a warm blanket. He will always, always answer your calls and he will do just about anything to spend a minute of his time with you. But, neither one of you will be desperate for each other (remember: don’t mistake love for lust).

And for the guys – the best How to Date a Single Mom advice on the Internet. Lots of sweat and tears went into that series.

Ahhhh… that should keep you all busy catching up for a while.

I love you all. And thanks again for being here. What a lovely trip this blog has been. Has anyone received their manifesto yet? I’m dying to hear how they’re doing out there.

8 Days

mssinglemama — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 17:38:54 +0000

Eight days of semi-single momdom left.

I know I’m not entirely a single mom anymore, having a man around and all. A deeply considerate and helpful man at that. But still, in eight days that door will be permanently shut, right now it’s swinging back and forth a bit and there’s a crack of light shining through.

In eight days we’ll be officially moving on to our lives with a John Bear and a Murphy Dog in the picture. And what could be finer?

Dreams do come true.

But this is just one of the dreams I had. The first was to escape my first marriage, the second to recover financially and emotionally and the third was to find satisfaction and happiness solo, without a man around at all.

Between packing and working John and I are stealing moments to ourselves and as the move draws closer and closer, I’m feeling more and more – dare I say it – butterflies in my stomach. I feel like I’m more in love with him now than I ever have been at any other time in our relationship. This pragmatic, lead weight love just grows on you – better and better as you pass each milestone together, especially the stressful and harrowing ones that have you both at your worst and your best in simultaneous moments.

Anyhow.

Happiness abounds right now and I have to admit, I’m not quite sure what to make of this. I owe most of the credit to John Bear for leading the way and sticking with me even when I tried my hardest to push him away.

When I did he would say, “I’m not sure that you know what love means, but I’m going to show you.” Then he would add, “And, I’m not going anywhere.”

At first I reacted to these statements with fear, shutting down and closing him off and out. But then, slowly but surely, my reaction of fear turned into acceptance. I let him happen. I let us happen.

He was right. I didn’t know what love was, but now I do. And oh my gosh, is it worth the growing pains it took to get here.

I may be a bit quiet over the next few weeks during this move. But I’ll be posting lots of pictures and fun from our chaos. In the meantime and make sure you enter to win a free t-shirt from Homage.

One Year

mssinglemama — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 17:33:26 +0000

One year ago today…

When I got dressed that morning I thought about him.

What should I wear? Something that doesn’t look like I’m trying and something that will still look cute at 5:45 when I leave work. It didn’t take long for me to decide on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a cute blazer with some heels. I had plans for a networking dinner after work with a guy I’d met during a presentation I was giving a week earlier. He worked at another agency in town and also had a passion for search and social media. But, already I could tell, we were complete opposites.

If I were a jalapeno, he’d be an orange. Me, the a fire cracker with no poker face and an opinion for everything. John, the calm, cool guy at the party everyone instantly likes.

“So, I’m having this networking thing with a guy tonight,” I told Alison, my trusted co-worker and best friend. I was leaning over into her cubie so no one would catch us stealing our secrets on the company’s dime. Big Brother could kiss our dating asses.

“Yeah, and?”

“Well, I think he likes me but, I don’t know – he may be too nice. But he’s cute, refreshing, sweet.”

“You sound like you’re about to go out on a date not a networking thing.”

“But it’s not a date.”

“Whatever.”

Five hours later I was rushing out of the office so I wouldn’t be late for my non-date or maybe a date.

When I walked in he was sitting near the back wall of the restaurant.

“On time. Nice,” I thought. “But what is he wearing? A hoodie? Nooooo. With no zipper? Not even a zipper?”

I decided immediately that any guy who wore a hoodie to meet a woman was clearly uninterested in dating said woman.

I ignored the hoodie and we dove into work stuff; but then I started flirting with him, bringing personal into the conversation and then came the inevitable “are you single or not?” conversation. I found out he was indeed single and then dove into my “I love being single” mantra, which was entirely true.

“So you really don’t mind being single?” he asked me.

“Nope. If I never end up married, I’d be fine with that.”

“Oh, come on. Are you saying you’re against love?”

“No. If it happens… it happens.”

And that’s when his eyes, those beautiful sea blue eyes, lit up with a smile.

“But there’s a fat chance,” I added, guarded, “I eat skeptical for breakfast.”

Another smile and then a shake of the head.

“I don’t believe you,” he said.

And that was that. He had me in that moment and has ever since.

——–

We have definitely had our bumps.

Some bigger than others.

Many of which I can’t detail here. Not yet anyway.

Not until our foundation is firmly planted into the ground and we’re ready to share for the sake of passing along our wisdom. Right now we’re still too raw from a lot of what this first year has dealt us. Fate threw that innocent little couple in the wine shop some major curve balls.

But we have survived, living to tell this tale – one that feels more filled with romance and love now than it ever has. I just keep falling more and more in love with my Mr. John Bear.

Purely and simply.

Just know that what you read here on this blog just scratches the surface of our relationship.

There are intricacies, details, missing links. The real stuff. The stuff that hurts but that also binds, that has led us to each other, rather than apart. What you do need to know is this – a relationship’s challenges should bring you closer together.

And sometimes you need to let go of your love, to re-balance, to bring everything back to center. Oh, and one more thing I have learned recently – trust, true trust, is only inhibited by fear. If you are hurt, if it doesn’t work out – you will be there to catch yourself.

If it happens… let it happen (with or without all of the answers).

You’ll be okay.

—–

And because it’s our one year anniversary – our first YouTube video. ; )

Happily Ever After?

mssinglemama — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 20:58:16 +0000

“Maybe you shouldn’t have kids,” I sigh into the phone.

Typically I’m encouraging my little sister to just have a kid already, but my sister has caught me in a post Benjamin was being a pain in the ass moment and I don’t really feel like talking, or doing much of anything. In fact, I just want to wallow in my moment of feeling like I am the worst mother on Earth. These moments happen. I have learned to ride them out by curling up in my bed until it passes. But now Anna has called and because I cherish our conversations I answer.

“I know. Right? Why should we have kids? We can do whatever we want, whenever.” She and her husband live in Charlottesville, Virginia – one of the coolest little cities on the planet. They’re bartenders by night and live rock start lifestyles.

“I know. You suck. Seriously.”

Then I tell her about this old man I heard at the cafeteria in my great uncle’s nursing home saying, “Kids. You breed ‘em, you educate ‘em, you buy their books, you feed ‘em, you even house ‘em and then what? What do you get? Nothing. A whole lotta nothing.” There he was, in what could be the very last few days of his life, wondering why he spent so much of his life raising and rearing children.

“We give everything to them and then we’re just tired and exhausted at the end. It’s like the rule of nature or something,” I tell Anna.

After I hang up and have a few more moments to relax, I walk back up to Benjamin’s room excited to see him and hear his little voice. He may be a pain in the ass, but he’s my pain in the ass and I couldn’t live a moment without him. And yet, I can completely understand why my sister isn’t hankering to have a baby.

More and more young couples, like my sister and her husband, are choosing not to have children. And more and more single women are remaining single, with very good reason. They are just fine, completely happy on their own. Exactly as I was when I met John.

I got an e-mail from one of you… a reader, who also happens to be leading up this amazing documentary. Love my readers and love this documentary. Please pass it on.

Single and Childless

mssinglemama — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 19:27:37 +0000

I had an amazing day yesterday… not because I am all in love and stuff (although that made it nice too) but because I got to see two of my best single and childless girlfriends. And now I’m wondering what or who I would be without them in my life.

First, there’s Alison…

(who is going to fricking kill me for publishing this picture of her chewing and half smiling).

Long before John Bear came along Alison and I would spend hours upon hours relaying the horrors of our dating errors and ways. Since we’ve met she’s blossomed from accepting what she can get from men to expecting only the best and she’s become one of the strongest and most beautiful single women I know. But she still has that precious optimism of a young twenty something that I drink in while we’re together, pretending like I’m back there with her for a moment. Then she tells me to “shut up” because I’m “not that old.”

I met Alison for lunch yesterday and then, after hearing the scoop on the amazing new man she’s met we stopped into Anthropologie to try on hats and coats we couldn’t afford.

And because I know Alison is going to kill me for publishing these pictures I am going to publish this one of myself.

Now we are even.

After Alison headed back to work I wandered across the street into See where another one of the most incredible single and childless friends of mine was hard at work, managing the place.

Delcina and I pre-date my ex-husband and I’s relationship. Together we have seen it all when it comes to men and dating.

When we’re together we tend to just laugh a lot, smile at each other and then shake our heads while relaying on story or another. “Do you remember when?” Later on last night, hours after my stop at See we headed out to a concert, our first night out alone in years. Yes, in years. But now I have a John Bear, which means I can actually go out and spend time with my friends outside of my own front porch or in my living room.

Which means for a few moments last night Delcina and I were just Delcina and I again.

Man Park or Dog Park?

mssinglemama — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 12:33:52 +0000

I would never compare men to dogs. Never.

Nope.

It’s just not my style.

I love my men.

Before I found John Bear many of you called me a man-hater. But now I’m a walking talking dog and man loving machine. Yesterday, inspired by your adventure stories, we hopped in the car and went to the dog park. Being a dog virgin I had no idea what to expect.

There were a lot of dogs. A lot of dogs. Running and jumping and slobbering everywhere.

But to my surprise there were also a lot of men.

I couldn’t be sure about the dogs but the men, based on their ring fingers, all appeared to be single. And for the first time, in a really, really long time, I didn’t even think about dating a one of them. I’m so taken, it’s ridiculous. Instead I picked up the phone and called Mia, “You’ve got to get to the dog park – there are single men EVERY WHERE.”

“But they all have dogs,” she said.

“What? WHO CARES! I gotta go,” I had to hang up because Benjamin was about to be tackled by one of the said dogs. Don’t get your tails in a bunch about Mia being yucked out by dogs.

I was her 5 months ago. I hated dogs. Hated them. Couldn’t even stand the sight or smell of them. I wasn’t one of those bitchy people who cowers at dogs when someone walks by with one. I thought they were kind of cute – but only on special occasion. Mia will come around and soon I’m going to take her to the dog park.

As for Benjamin… well, if he’s ever on a battle line in a war zone I know what he’ll do. Stand on top of the nearest hill

and yell at the top of his lungs,”COME AND GET ME, HOT SHOTS!”

The enemy will come

and then he’ll start wrestling with them and rolling around in their poop without even flinching. If there ever is another World War, I’m sending my kid to Siberia.

And next time, we go to the dog park he’s staying behind and I’m bringing Mia.

Would you eliminate a guy just because he has a dog? Not into dogs? Check out my Top Spots to Meet Men list.

No related posts.

Trippin’, Part 2

mssinglemama — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 06:04:28 +0000

When I meet a single and childless girl I feel an urge to sit her down and have a talk – like a grandmother would.

No, honey, not that one. I don’t care how cute he is or how much money he makes. No, that doesn’t matter. He may be whispering in your ear and promising to change. But he shouldn’t have to change, he should have already changed. Believe me, the last thing you want to worry about when you have kids is changing a man or persuading him to clean up his act or get that job.

The measure of a man, the kind of man you’ll want when you’re married and a mother, isn’t in the car he drives, the clothes he wears or even in the sweet nothings he whispers in your ear. The measure of the man you want is in the way he reacts when you’re both lost on a dark pine shrouded road in the middle of the night. In the way he gives you a back rub. Does he ask how it feels? Is he truly trying to take your pain away or giving up too quickly? At first he may not completely wipe away the knots but if he’s willing to listen and learn, eventually, he will. Actions speak louder than words and how he uses those words, how he listens – that is an action, called communicating.

But he has to be at least six feet tall. At least, she would insist, and blue eyes – those too.

At this point I would bite my tongue, walk away and hope against all hopes that she checks that list against logic and her heart of hearts – the mother in every girl wants a good man, one who would kill for you or, more realistically, love seeing your smile more than anything else on this Earth.

And he might look something like this guy…

Oh, you have no idea how badly I want to tell you about the last seven days of my life.

More on our grand adventure soon… I am not teasing you on purpose, I swear. I am just extremely busy trying to play catch up. Loading these pictures takes forever. Find another round of clues about where our adventure took us in the photo gallery.

P.S. I mailed the first round of silver necklaces out today. Only 20 of those left… they are gorgeous.

Whispers

mssinglemama — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 03:44:28 +0000

My Secrets are Out…

Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love is here. But first a few words from my delirious haze. I am hoping they make sense…

Before I started writing this blog the whispers in my head, the words of strength from outside of myself were hard to come by. I only knew one or two fellow single moms and living at my mother’s for one year did a number on my social life. I was alone, utterly alone and it was uncomfortable.

I tried to find inspiration in other single mom books and while they were insightful on many levels, all fell short for me. I craved real, honest advice about dating and love. I didn’t know it then but I would soon fill that void myself and also become a voice for single mothers everywhere by shouting from the my little mountaintop: we are beautiful, we are strong and we are sexy as hell. And while this shit ain’t easy we don’t need a man to rescue us, we need to rescue ourselves.

I am not sure where those words came from. They started, I believe, as whispers in my own head or more like echoes. And then you all showed up. Your words and your thoughts inspired me to keep writing, to keep sharing my stories and your words, in turn, became the whispers in my head.

The most common e-mails I receive are from new single moms who have happened upon my site. Sometimes these e-mails come months after they’ve been here, others come after just a few days but they all say one thing, “You have changed how I see myself, you have helped me to become proud to be a single mother.” And then they always add, “And I’ve been searching through all of your archives, devouring each one and trying to find out more!”

I used to have the time to write each one back with a long, personal e-mail linking to old blog posts I knew would help them but now, there are so many, too many to answer and I hate that. I remember how I felt then, wanting someone to just tell me like it was – to lay it down straight. This eBook is for each and every one of you, for being here for so long and to those of you who are just joining us.

And from now on instead of hours of archive searching, all of my readers will now have my eBook, Ms. Single mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex & Love. New readers will use it catch up on everything they’ve missed. And for my long-time readers… this book, you’ll find, ties everything you read here together. There are so many stories I have kept from you – some because I just hadn’t gotten around to writing them and others because I just wasn’t ready.

But now here they are.

Enjoy.

The stories behind the blog.

Need to catch up on what you’ve missed? Or want to know the secrets and stories behind the blog?

Download your copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love for $14.95 and find out:

How Ms. Single Mama and her ex-husband met and fell in love
More about the allusive Biker, my first single mom romance
Read the story about my first single mom crush
What really happened with Mr. Man
Why my fling with Cabin Man was so short lived
Details on how to have a happy and healthy sex life as a single mom along with tips on dating including touchy issues like when to tell him about your single mom status and when to introduce him to the kids.

Click here to preview the first 10 pages or skip ahead and just buy the eBook.

Details: Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love, 120 pages, PDF form. Click the add to cart button to purchase with any major credit card.

Blogger Affiliate Program – make money in your sleep

Become a Ms. Single Mama Uncensored affiliate and you’ll earn 30% back for every copy of the eBook you sell. Simply place banners and code on your website or blog and every time someone clicks that banner and purchases a copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored you’ll receive 30% back that’s about $4.95 a copy. It’s SO easy. Click here to set up your affiliate account.

P.S. The reviews are already coming in - the first is from Amanda at Stack of Spines, “The eBook reads like a girlfriend sitting across from you having cocktails and gushing her hopes, dreams, fears, and heartaches.” Read her entire review here.

and if you’re a blogger, make 30% back for every copy you sell! Read about my super exciting affiliate program here.<— Find badges here too!

Special Thanks:

To John. The irony of this book for single mamas is that I’m not sure it would be here without him… he has been working right alongside me either by watching Benjamin, making me dinner or by designing all of the beautiful banners you see on the site. He’s also been putting up with my sleep deprived, cranky self for over one month now, which is no easy feat – believe me. I adore him for that and am proud to say this book has actually brought us even closer together. Reading it for the first time just yesterday, John told me when he was finished, “I can see now how all of these experiences you had needed to happen before we met.”

And the biggest thanks goes to the true hero of every story I write… my Benjamin.

Congratulations to the Winners:

The Ms. Single Mama Uncensored winners are –

Alexis
Rebecca M.
Ashlea
@BobbiJanay
@NancyJane17

[You have all been e-mailed with your special code for your free copy. Congratulations and thanks to everyone who entered!]

Big Tease

mssinglemama — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 16:07:30 +0000

I love teasing you, I do.

Here is a preview (and the entire Table of Contents) to Ms. Single Mama Uncensored. Come back on Thursday, July 30th to buy your copy and read the rest.

Stay tuned also for details on my affiliate program for bloggers and for the announcement of the lucky five of you who will win a copy. Still time to enter, just leave a comment here.

[I would insert something cheesy here about how much this little eBook means to me, but I am too tired. Just click on the preview link and check it out.]

xoxo

Ms. Single Mama