I had an amazing day yesterday… not because I am all in love and stuff (although that made it nice too) but because I got to see two of my best single and childless girlfriends. And now I’m wondering what or who I would be without them in my life.

First, there’s Alison…

(who is going to fricking kill me for publishing this picture of her chewing and half smiling).

Long before John Bear came along Alison and I would spend hours upon hours relaying the horrors of our dating errors and ways. Since we’ve met she’s blossomed from accepting what she can get from men to expecting only the best and she’s become one of the strongest and most beautiful single women I know. But she still has that precious optimism of a young twenty something that I drink in while we’re together, pretending like I’m back there with her for a moment. Then she tells me to “shut up” because I’m “not that old.”

I met Alison for lunch yesterday and then, after hearing the scoop on the amazing new man she’s met we stopped into Anthropologie to try on hats and coats we couldn’t afford.

And because I know Alison is going to kill me for publishing these pictures I am going to publish this one of myself.

Now we are even.

After Alison headed back to work I wandered across the street into See where another one of the most incredible single and childless friends of mine was hard at work, managing the place.

Delcina and I pre-date my ex-husband and I’s relationship. Together we have seen it all when it comes to men and dating.

When we’re together we tend to just laugh a lot, smile at each other and then shake our heads while relaying on story or another. “Do you remember when?” Later on last night, hours after my stop at See we headed out to a concert, our first night out alone in years. Yes, in years. But now I have a John Bear, which means I can actually go out and spend time with my friends outside of my own front porch or in my living room.

Which means for a few moments last night Delcina and I were just Delcina and I again.

I would never compare men to dogs. Never.

Nope.

It’s just not my style.

I love my men.

Before I found John Bear many of you called me a man-hater. But now I’m a walking talking dog and man loving machine. Yesterday, inspired by your adventure stories, we hopped in the car and went to the dog park. Being a dog virgin I had no idea what to expect.

There were a lot of dogs. A lot of dogs. Running and jumping and slobbering everywhere.

But to my surprise there were also a lot of men.

I couldn’t be sure about the dogs but the men, based on their ring fingers, all appeared to be single. And for the first time, in a really, really long time, I didn’t even think about dating a one of them. I’m so taken, it’s ridiculous. Instead I picked up the phone and called Mia, “You’ve got to get to the dog park – there are single men EVERY WHERE.”

“But they all have dogs,” she said.

“What? WHO CARES! I gotta go,” I had to hang up because Benjamin was about to be tackled by one of the said dogs. Don’t get your tails in a bunch about Mia being yucked out by dogs.

I was her 5 months ago. I hated dogs. Hated them. Couldn’t even stand the sight or smell of them. I wasn’t one of those bitchy people who cowers at dogs when someone walks by with one. I thought they were kind of cute – but only on special occasion. Mia will come around and soon I’m going to take her to the dog park.

As for Benjamin… well, if he’s ever on a battle line in a war zone I know what he’ll do. Stand on top of the nearest hill

and yell at the top of his lungs,”COME AND GET ME, HOT SHOTS!”

The enemy will come

and then he’ll start wrestling with them and rolling around in their poop without even flinching. If there ever is another World War, I’m sending my kid to Siberia.

And next time, we go to the dog park he’s staying behind and I’m bringing Mia.

Would you eliminate a guy just because he has a dog? Not into dogs? Check out my Top Spots to Meet Men list.

When I meet a single and childless girl I feel an urge to sit her down and have a talk – like a grandmother would.

No, honey, not that one. I don’t care how cute he is or how much money he makes. No, that doesn’t matter. He may be whispering in your ear and promising to change. But he shouldn’t have to change, he should have already changed. Believe me, the last thing you want to worry about when you have kids is changing a man or persuading him to clean up his act or get that job.

The measure of a man, the kind of man you’ll want when you’re married and a mother, isn’t in the car he drives, the clothes he wears or even in the sweet nothings he whispers in your ear. The measure of the man you want is in the way he reacts when you’re both lost on a dark pine shrouded road in the middle of the night. In the way he gives you a back rub. Does he ask how it feels? Is he truly trying to take your pain away or giving up too quickly? At first he may not completely wipe away the knots but if he’s willing to listen and learn, eventually, he will. Actions speak louder than words and how he uses those words, how he listens – that is an action, called communicating.

But he has to be at least six feet tall. At least, she would insist, and blue eyes – those too.

At this point I would bite my tongue, walk away and hope against all hopes that she checks that list against logic and her heart of hearts – the mother in every girl wants a good man, one who would kill for you or, more realistically, love seeing your smile more than anything else on this Earth.

And he might look something like this guy…

Oh, you have no idea how badly I want to tell you about the last seven days of my life.

More on our grand adventure soon… I am not teasing you on purpose, I swear. I am just extremely busy trying to play catch up. Loading these pictures takes forever. Find another round of clues about where our adventure took us in the photo gallery.

P.S. I mailed the first round of silver necklaces out today. Only 20 of those left… they are gorgeous.

My Secrets are Out…

Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love is here. But first a few words from my delirious haze. I am hoping they make sense…

Before I started writing this blog the whispers in my head, the words of strength from outside of myself were hard to come by. I only knew one or two fellow single moms and living at my mother’s for one year did a number on my social life. I was alone, utterly alone and it was uncomfortable.

I tried to find inspiration in other single mom books and while they were insightful on many levels, all fell short for me. I craved real, honest advice about dating and love. I didn’t know it then but I would soon fill that void myself and also become a voice for single mothers everywhere by shouting from the my little mountaintop: we are beautiful, we are strong and we are sexy as hell. And while this shit ain’t easy we don’t need a man to rescue us, we need to rescue ourselves.

I am not sure where those words came from. They started, I believe, as whispers in my own head or more like echoes. And then you all showed up. Your words and your thoughts inspired me to keep writing, to keep sharing my stories and your words, in turn, became the whispers in my head.

The most common e-mails I receive are from new single moms who have happened upon my site. Sometimes these e-mails come months after they’ve been here, others come after just a few days but they all say one thing, “You have changed how I see myself, you have helped me to become proud to be a single mother.” And then they always add, “And I’ve been searching through all of your archives, devouring each one and trying to find out more!”

I used to have the time to write each one back with a long, personal e-mail linking to old blog posts I knew would help them but now, there are so many, too many to answer and I hate that. I remember how I felt then, wanting someone to just tell me like it was – to lay it down straight. This eBook is for each and every one of you, for being here for so long and to those of you who are just joining us.

And from now on instead of hours of archive searching, all of my readers will now have my eBook, Ms. Single mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex & Love. New readers will use it catch up on everything they’ve missed. And for my long-time readers… this book, you’ll find, ties everything you read here together. There are so many stories I have kept from you – some because I just hadn’t gotten around to writing them and others because I just wasn’t ready.

But now here they are.

Enjoy.

The stories behind the blog.

Need to catch up on what you’ve missed? Or want to know the secrets and stories behind the blog?

Download your copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love for $14.95 and find out:

• How Ms. Single Mama and her ex-husband met and fell in love
• More about the allusive Biker, my first single mom romance
• Read the story about my first single mom crush
• What really happened with Mr. Man
• Why my fling with Cabin Man was so short lived
• Details on how to have a happy and healthy sex life as a single mom along with tips on dating including touchy issues like when to tell him about your single mom status and when to introduce him to the kids.

Click here to preview the first 10 pages or skip ahead and just buy the eBook.

Details: Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love, 120 pages, PDF form. Click the add to cart button to purchase with any major credit card.

Blogger Affiliate Program – make money in your sleep

Become a Ms. Single Mama Uncensored affiliate and you’ll earn 30% back for every copy of the eBook you sell. Simply place banners and code on your website or blog and every time someone clicks that banner and purchases a copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored you’ll receive 30% back that’s about $4.95 a copy. It’s SO easy. Click here to set up your affiliate account.

P.S. The reviews are already coming in - the first is from Amanda at Stack of Spines, “The eBook reads like a girlfriend sitting across from you having cocktails and gushing her hopes, dreams, fears, and heartaches.” Read her entire review here.

and if you’re a blogger, make 30% back for every copy you sell! Read about my super exciting affiliate program here.<— Find badges here too!

Special Thanks:

To John. The irony of this book for single mamas is that I’m not sure it would be here without him… he has been working right alongside me either by watching Benjamin, making me dinner or by designing all of the beautiful banners you see on the site. He’s also been putting up with my sleep deprived, cranky self for over one month now, which is no easy feat – believe me. I adore him for that and am proud to say this book has actually brought us even closer together. Reading it for the first time just yesterday, John told me when he was finished, “I can see now how all of these experiences you had needed to happen before we met.”

And the biggest thanks goes to the true hero of every story I write… my Benjamin.

Congratulations to the Winners:

The Ms. Single Mama Uncensored winners are –

1. Alexis
2. Rebecca M.
3. Ashlea
4. @BobbiJanay
5. @NancyJane17

[You have all been e-mailed with your special code for your free copy. Congratulations and thanks to everyone who entered!]

I love teasing you, I do.

Here is a preview (and the entire Table of Contents) to Ms. Single Mama Uncensored. Come back on Thursday, July 30th to buy your copy and read the rest.

Stay tuned also for details on my affiliate program for bloggers and for the announcement of the lucky five of you who will win a copy. Still time to enter, just leave a comment here.

[I would insert something cheesy here about how much this little eBook means to me, but I am too tired. Just click on the preview link and check it out.]

xoxo

Ms. Single Mama

An excerpt from Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love, my eBook coming out on July 30th. Leave a comment here and be entered to win a copy.

The Crush

Why losing your heart as a new single mom is not an option

When I first saw him I couldn’t stop staring but I tried. I started rearranging things on my desk, sorting papers and placing all of the errant paper clips back in their little bunny basket. The desk decorations weren’t mine, they were all hand me downs left by the secretary before me. The desk itself was at least thirty years old, giant and heavy with metal edges worn and actually rusting in spots.

Six weeks before I had been an account assistant at a boutique ad agency in the city and now I was here, at the radio station I had interned for in high school. The job had miraculously opened up just days before I’d decided to leave my husband and it paid just enough to cover my bills with a little left over for some groceries. Rather than feeling ashamed for taking such a huge step back, I spent my days laughing with my old co-workers, sharing memories and escaping from the reality that awaited me at my mother’s house. I missed Benjamin terribly during the days, but I needed the eight-hour break my babysitter and mother afforded me.

Every week, one of the station’s shows would feature a guest from the community, an upstanding citizen or someone who wanted to promote an upcoming event like a concert, festival or art fair. When he walked in the door snapped shut behind him and I looked up but he kept walking and took a seat on the bench in the hallway. Clearly he had been here before. His brown pants matched an equally bland shirt and his beard looked scruffy around his soft cheeks and dark eyes. His boots were worn and he tapped his foot a bit before crossing his arms over his thick chest.

“Hi,” I said, “I’m Alaina.”

“Very nice to meet you Alaina,” he said. His voice add a kindness about it, a warm generosity but his eyes were hiding some kind of pain.

“Why are you here?” I asked.

“My band has a few charity shows coming up. You?”

“You’re up,” the show host said. The words broke our conversation and with that the man stood up, nodded politely at me and then ducked into the studio. I relaxed back into my chair and turned the radio up so I could hear his words flowing through the speakers. He was talking about his non-profit organization and his band but all I heard was love, passion, fire – the voice of someone who cared about life and his community. I imagined what it would be like to be on the receiving end of that passion.

To be continued… in Ms. Single Mama Uncensored.

Within just a few weeks of dating, John Bear had bought Benjamin a Transformer, saying “I couldn’t help it. I hope it’s okay. I just can’t believe he doesn’t have one.”

And why would he? I’m a chick (in case you hadn’t noticed) and now that Benjamin is becoming a boy I’m realizing I don’t have a clue about boy stuff. His father is French Canadian and aside from the Smurfs, I don’t think we watched the same cartoons. In fact, I’m fairly certain his dad didn’t watch any cartoons at all, which had nothing to do with his Quebecness and almost everything to do with his mother.

Nervous Benjamin’s head would explode at actually receiving a gift from a man, I made John Bear keep the new Transformer and its accompanying DVD hidden in his car for another few weeks. I would move the little gift bag into the back seat on date night, leaving it there and wondering just what to do with the thing. The only solution would be to just give it to him and find out. Sometimes parenting is a big ball of trial and error, the only thing you can hope for is that the errors don’t permanently mess up your kid and that, as John Bear’s father says “they come to your funeral.”

After I thought Benjamin could handle the spoilage I let John give him the present. When he opened it Benjamin squealed and then laughed hysterically when the thing transformed into a robot and he has yet to let the car out of his sight.

It goes everywhere with him, constantly in the cusp of his little hand. He’s learned how to do everything, even ride his bike, one handed to account for the car. Benjamin’s Transformer collection doubled last weekend when John Bear (who Benjamin now believes is the master of the robot universe) pulled these guys out of his mother’s basement. Two new freaky little robot guys to bring home.

Our new roommates, now I think there are six or so, have crushed Thomas the Tank and even Elmo. Even Woody and Buzz Lightyear haven’t moved. And I’ve become all too aware of the fact that apparently I’m not the only one who has been lacking a man’s attention and affection.

We had just woken up when I took that picture, so to be fair to John here’s a picture he took of me drinking out of a doggy mug.

“Ha. You’re drinking out of a doggy mug.”

“Yes. I am. I am drinking out of a mug with dogs on it, now buzz off silly man and let me finish my coffee.” Now you all know what I look like at the crack of dawn with a doggy mug shoved in my face. I was giving my e-mail a once over after neglecting my virtual world for most of the 4th of July weekend. After doggy coffee and Transformer play time we went to breakfast with John’s parents, who have been completely understanding of my reluctance to bring Benjamin too close, too soon.

John had invited us up to his uncle Marc’s 4th of July cookout weeks in advance but I just couldn’t make up my mind. I went back and forth and then finally decided that morning that we should just go. I was hesitating out of worry, again of the what the unkown would bring. The biggest one being, would spending an entire weekend with John and his family confuse the hell out of Benjamin and in turn, send me into freak out mode. But on that beautiful Saturday morning Benjamin had just finished up his pancakes and me the laundry when I realized my decision was being made out of fear. I called John, “have you left yet?”

“Nope.”

“Can we come?”

“Of course! I’ll be over in an hour.”

Then we were off to his awesome uncle Marc’s cookout and later to his parents house where we spent the night. And guess what? It was ridiculously fun. And guess what else? All of the fears that have come to fruition in past relationships have yet to surface. John is incredibly understanding of my wounded bird syndrome and he’s not going anywhere. With that said, I have some work to do so I can keep my freak outs, my fits of fear that turn into short-tempered anger, at a minimum.

After breakfast with his parents we headed to Lake Erie, which up until then I had envisioned as a giant dirty version of Lake Michigan. Clearly I was mistaken.

I didn’t bring a suit and then I got upset. Like a little kid I had to swim. So I took off in John’s car while he watched Benjamin trying to hunt down a swim suit shop but I couldn’t find one. Instead I returned with sunscreen for Benjamin and John, some water and a big frown.

“There are some mesh shorts in my trunk,” said John.

Ten minutes later I was in the water in his mesh shorts and my tank top marveling at how amazing a good man makes you feel, especially when he always seems to have just what you need. What we both need.

The road ahead is looking pretty darn good my friends.

[And I'm also happy to report that my fears that John Bear drove like an old man were put to rest when I used his Focus to pick up the sunscreen. I've been driving Fiesta Dave for so long that I forget what it's like to drive normal cars with no pep.]

]]> http://mssinglemama.com/2009/07/13/new-roommate/feed/ 38 http://mssinglemama.com/2009/06/24/pillow-talk/ http://mssinglemama.com/2009/06/24/pillow-talk/#comments Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:52:47 +0000 mssinglemama http://mssinglemama.com/?p=3852

“We’d have some good lookin’ kids,” he says, “cute little dark haired Irish kids with blue eyes.”

Yes, we would. I’m sure of it and I can see their little faces smiling at me  already. They’re definitely cute as hell.

I also have this vision of John Bear, by then fully trained in the ways of kitchen duty, juggling a baby and a spatula, flipping eggs and yelling at the dog – all at the same time.

A studly dad in the kitchen. These are the daydreams of a single mother.

“And if we do ever have kids you’ll probably have twins,” he lays this out like it’s a perk or something.

“You’re kidding, right?”

He shakes his head, “No, there’s a strong twin gene in my family. I’m next in line.” As he’s listing his relatives who have twins I add another child to my kitchen vision.

Now he’s holding two in one arm with their sweet dark tufts of hair and their bright blue eyes, or maybe one of them will have my dark eyes. And then there’s Benjamin. Maybe he’s setting the table.

And where am I? Probably trying to breath somewhere or frantically shopping for nannies.

Having one was hard enough. But as John Bear says, “You wouldn’t be alone this time and you’d have help, a lot of help.”

He’s childless he has no idea what it’s like – newborns are hard, hard, hard work. But he wants to have his own children, he’s as ready as he’ll ever be. And I do too.

We both want two more so why not knock them both out with one pregnancy?

Could be a nice two for one deal.

Twin talk and pillow talk aside, do you want more kids? I started this discussion in the single moms forum the other day and the responses are really passionate. Leave a comment there or here.

And let me know what you think about the idea of me – having twins. I mean what do you do if the love of your life happens to have a twin gene, a fricking twin gene? Just my luck, right? Oh me, oh my.

Any bearers of twins here who have lived to tell about it?

to know about being a dating single mom.

A few days ago, I spent hours sorting through my archives to produce a lovely table of contents to this blog. It’s funny to put your own life into categories, but I think you’ll enjoy them.

Like Chapter 11 – “The Ex Files: the Men I’ve Dated Along the Way.”

Funny.

Along the way to what?

To meeting him.

The Bear. My John Bear.

I know it’s early. Only six weeks in. But when someone says, “I’ve been waiting 30 years to meet you,” and then looks into your eyes and tells you how amazing you are and you look right back at him and feel the same way – one can’t help but wonder – could this be it?

Then your knees turn all mushy right along with your heart and your head stays on, in tact and nods, up and down, up and down. Yes. I feel the same way. This is just too weird. Feels like a dream and we’re both in it together.

And stumbling across old, yet very powerful posts like this one now make me thank my lucky stars I didn’t settle, that I listened to that heart all along the way when it shouted, “move on! He’s just not right.”

And I’m so glad I did.

Turns out he was just a few blocks away the entire time.

Now the relationship chapter or this blog will begin. So far though it’s very, very easy. Delightful actually.

And as for that old fear stuff I used to write about. Gone. Seriously. Not an ounce of fear in my heart right now. It’s the oddest thing. It just feels right. Perhaps I was confusing fear with my gut telling me what I didn’t want to hear.

Maybe.

Maybe our fears are the rational side of our single mama brains pointing us in the right direction. Maybe, if based and grounded in realities, our fears are there for a reason.

Maybe we should listen to ourselves in every moment. How could we lead ourselves astray if we constantly do what is right by our family, our children and ourselves? From the groceries we buy to the dates we keep or choose to break… every decision should feel right.

As always, just food for thought my lovelies and as always, I’d love to hear yours.

P.S.

And don’t forget to check out my Ms. Single Mama Table of Contents. Lots of good stuff in there like online dating tips, break up tips, single mom dating advice. Eat your hearts out but you may want to grab a glass of wine first.

On Saturday morning John Bear (he now has a first name) and I headed up north to Cleveland for his cousin’s wedding. Between meeting his entire family and the ceremony we took a drive and made a few pit stops along the way.

The first to snap a shot of this

and the second to pick up a wedding card at this place, with a giant robot outside

and tons of memories inside. 

Big Fun. Check the place out if you’re ever in Cleveland.

I could have spent the entire day in there, staring at those toys and remembering what it was like to be that young, that innocent. But when I look into his eyes I do feel completely young again, new almost. Like I’m starting over on a clean white sandy beach with not a soul in sight but his and Benjamin’s.

There’s a peace in finding this kind of a connection – a peace I may have lost hope of ever finding. But now it’s here and the only thing we can do is enjoy every moment.

After wishing we were 8 again, we headed to the reception pre-party at John Bear’s uncle Mark’s. It was here that I walked out onto the drive way and right into a total Bear bashing by this guy and this guy – John’s little (and single) brother and his brother-in-law.

Apparently the word is out about this blog and my little nick name for John. The Bear jokes would last the entire night. But John took it like any Bear would, he laughed and then sent a wink or two my way.

Between Uncle Mark’s and the wedding reception we stopped along the way to take a few glamour shots of our fabulous wedding outfits.

At the reception we took our seats at table #7. More luck. I’m not quite sure what to do with all of it or where it’s coming from… but I can’t seem to shake it off.

Part of me thinks I’ve died and gone to heaven. 

As luck or fate would have it – I adored his family, each and every one of them. All I can hope is that they feel the same way about me because I’m thinking I may want to keep their John Bear.

We woke up Sunday morning and headed back to Columbus where we rescued our babysitter from Benjamin and headed straight to Athens for another kind of party.

Benjamin’s cousin’s third birthday party.

It feels like just yesterday that these two were just an idea, the little projects growing in their mommy’s tummies as my older sister and I gabbed on the phone about what baby clothes we’d bought or how long it would take our husbands to get the cribs together.

And now another story is here… another story entirely.

[I also want to point out the dude crouched under the pine tree with the camera - he's my brother Ezra and he is awesome. This Friday he's graduating with a Master's. Being Ezra he told me about it today and being the proud big sister I am I have to be there to watch him finally make that walk.

Unfortunately that means I'll be missing Morgan's wedding and her bachelorette party at the Hyatt in Lexington. Both the party and the ceremony will be broadcast live here - so tune in.] 

P.S. 

If you want some more good party reading check out my post about Benjamin’s third birthday party surprise and then the party for the kids (and adults) that followed.