Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama » Being a single mom

How do you do it?

mssinglemama — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 17:47:59 +0000

I posed this question on Facebook a few weeks back and the responses were tremendously inspiring and motivating.

The question was sparked by an e-mail from a new single mom who asked me how I did it, how I continue to do it and what advice I could offer to her to make her days brighter. At that moment she was struggling with how she could possibly survive being a single mom. I never responded and now I can’t find the e-mail. Sad about that, so if you’re reading–accept my apology.

My response:

I remember feeling that way and I know my long time readers remember when I felt that way. But, now, things are completely different–I enjoy being a single mom.

So what happened? Well, it could very well be circumstance–I now have a support network of neighbors and a strong, tight group of girlfriends who are single moms, Benjamin is also older and things are easier, and I work for myself and have flexible hours. Or, it could be because I have adapted and accepted single motherhood. The shock has worn off and I have accepted this as my life. I have also realized that even if a man enters our lives, things won’t magically be easier.

Regardless, I do know the single moms with little ones–babies or toddlers– have it the hardest.

What tips do you have for new single moms? Leave a comment! As incentive, I’ll be giving away a new leaf necklace to one of you who comments on this post. The winner will be drawn randomly. Good luck!

Searching for a crystal ball

mssinglemama — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 23:04:32 +0000

I know I have some readers who are children of single moms.

You’ve said you’re here because I fill in holes, blanks from your childhood or at least, give you an idea of what your mother went through. A question for you–what if this was your mother’s blog? Would it be too much? Are there some things you’d rather not know?

I don’t hold much back, especially in my eBook. There is so much here and even more there detailing my dating and my relationships as a single mom. But there are also posts like this one and this one that I will definitely want him to read. So, I’m wondering–would this blog and everything that comes with be too much? Or would it answer questions for you?

I need honest, insightful and constructive thoughts. Not hatred. If you take issue with single motherhood and women who decide to move on with their lives in the way of dating–that is a discussion for another post, or maybe a Bill O’Reilly messageboard.

I am weighing a decision and your feedback will help me so much. Thanks in advance.

—–

P.S. The Single Mom Manifesto books (there will be several) have been created. I’ll share pictures and more details very soon. I can’t wait to set them free.

Woman’s Day

mssinglemama — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 14:27:58 +0000

My essay is out. Find it in the August issue of Woman’s Day. Pick one up the old-fashioned way or read it online.

I’m a bit partial to the print version and while reading the last few paragraph’s out loud to John Bear in the car as soon as I found my copy, I actually choked up on these lines, “as for my son Benjamin, he is now a beaming, breathtaking little 4-year-old who has more wonder, curiosity and happiness in his heart than I ever imagined anyone could contain. And fear, as it turns out, is not a word in his vocabulary. Or in mine.”

The tremble in my throat and tears in my eyes caught both of us off guard.

“Are you crying?” He asked.

“I guess.”

“It’s okay, but why?”

“Because, it’s just so surreal. Benjamin and I have come so far.”

We have and so will you single mamas, unless you have already! And in that case, the congratulations is yours as well.

I have been incredibly touched and overwhelmed by the number of e-mails coming in from Woman’s Day readers. Some of you are unhappily married mothers, soon to be single moms; others have just left your husbands and are trying to find your way.

I am trying my best to respond to each e-mail but if I miss yours, please visit my Single Moms forum and post your questions there. My existing community of single moms would love to offer their take on your situation.

And thanks to all of you for joining us.

No related posts.

At the start

mssinglemama — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 02:52:25 +0000

I have been so wrapped up in my own happiness lately – with my work, with John, with Benjamin (and not necessarily in that order, fluctuates with the day or more often, the time of day) – that I have lost sight of why I started this blog in the first place.

A few weeks ago I received this e-mail from one of you and it felt like something I could have written when I started blogging and really dating, when Benjamin was just a toddler and when I was just beginning to feel again. Her words had be gasping for air and grabbing John Bear, scrolling through my iPhone like a frantic person, enthralled at her beauty and strength and then wanting to punch the guy who said such a thing.

Alaina,
I’ve had a love-hate relationship with this blog for almost a year now. I have an 18 month old and I was single throughout my pregnancy, had a 3 month attempt at a relationship with his father after he was born, then once again found myself under the title “Single Mother”. At first I was jealous of your creativity, positivity, and dedication to writing. Then I became jealous of your “abandonment” of the single mother title by getting involved with someone great.
Now I am just thankful for your articles, your posts, and for providing hope for those of us who have no hope, who feel like we’ll retain the hated title of “Single Mother” forever. I’ve been through the ringer when it comes to dating. I actually had a man curl up to me and whisper in my ear, “You’d be perfect if you didn’t have a child.”
After several failed first, second, third dates, I told myself I wouldn’t date again for 6 months. As luck would have it, I met someone great. We’ve gone on two dates, spent hours talking and laughing… if he wasn’t leaving the state in a few months he’d be perfect.
I cried after he hugged me the first time, as soon as his car was far from the scene and came home from both perfect dates more depressed than ever. Is this all I get? a temporary distraction with someone wonderful? Are these dates with an intelligent, insightful man the best I can get? Somebody wonderful and temporary? The conversation, the chaste hug (I ducked when he tried to kiss me), the laughter, the sharing… these crumbs of intimacy, are they the feast during famine for single moms like me?
Nicole

I count my dating years as a single mom by Benjamin’s age. I know, I know. But, it’s easy. His age – minus four months. Everything after the first year is documented here on this blog… well, nearly everything. I often stopped short of expressing my raw hurt, wanting to keep you all sheltered from my own feelings of complete loss, complete and utter despair at my situation as a single mom.

I, too, had no hope.

But then, bit by bit the hope returned because I started (thanks to you) to believe in myself again, to believe that even if a man didn’t show up I would be fine. I lived through Benjamin, letting his laughter and light carry me on in my darkest days.

I also avoided bad men like the plague. Had I bumped into one who would have said I’d be perfect if I weren’t a mother I may have actually kicked him out of my bed before promptly shoving his ass out of my door. Or, is that just easy to write now – now that I’m in the clear and far past those first few years? I’m not sure but I hope you know how absolutely ridiculous it would be for any “man” to not love you because you have children. Children are children. If you can’t love children than who are you? You are still you and love is still love.

Just know something, please, all of my single mamas – this is just the beginning. You can let this consume you, or you can rise above it and come out stronger, happier and yes, in love again (with someone far more worthy than your ex).

And as for having a love hate relationship with my blog. I totally understand. Feel the same way myself sometimes. But happy to be here, happy that you’re all here. And by the way – Nicole has since had a third date. I love her blog. It reminds me of mine when I started. Pop over and say hi.

Happily Ever After?

mssinglemama — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 20:58:16 +0000

“Maybe you shouldn’t have kids,” I sigh into the phone.

Typically I’m encouraging my little sister to just have a kid already, but my sister has caught me in a post Benjamin was being a pain in the ass moment and I don’t really feel like talking, or doing much of anything. In fact, I just want to wallow in my moment of feeling like I am the worst mother on Earth. These moments happen. I have learned to ride them out by curling up in my bed until it passes. But now Anna has called and because I cherish our conversations I answer.

“I know. Right? Why should we have kids? We can do whatever we want, whenever.” She and her husband live in Charlottesville, Virginia – one of the coolest little cities on the planet. They’re bartenders by night and live rock start lifestyles.

“I know. You suck. Seriously.”

Then I tell her about this old man I heard at the cafeteria in my great uncle’s nursing home saying, “Kids. You breed ‘em, you educate ‘em, you buy their books, you feed ‘em, you even house ‘em and then what? What do you get? Nothing. A whole lotta nothing.” There he was, in what could be the very last few days of his life, wondering why he spent so much of his life raising and rearing children.

“We give everything to them and then we’re just tired and exhausted at the end. It’s like the rule of nature or something,” I tell Anna.

After I hang up and have a few more moments to relax, I walk back up to Benjamin’s room excited to see him and hear his little voice. He may be a pain in the ass, but he’s my pain in the ass and I couldn’t live a moment without him. And yet, I can completely understand why my sister isn’t hankering to have a baby.

More and more young couples, like my sister and her husband, are choosing not to have children. And more and more single women are remaining single, with very good reason. They are just fine, completely happy on their own. Exactly as I was when I met John.

I got an e-mail from one of you… a reader, who also happens to be leading up this amazing documentary. Love my readers and love this documentary. Please pass it on.

Beauty

mssinglemama — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 01:55:25 +0000

A few things happened this weekend that I will remember for the rest of my life…

Lesson #1: Never leave home without your camera

I realized one hour into my drive to Katie and Brian’s wedding, six hours away from home, that I had forgotten my camera. I couldn’t turn around, although I thought about it. Instead I resolved to make good with what I did remember – my iPhone camera and my digital video camera. So a movie is coming… but forgetting my camera – devastating. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to leave the house again for a destination without triple checking for that camera.

Lesson #2: My single mom status may be in the midst of retirement

I left my son for 36 hours with my significant other, my partner. I came home to a perfectly clean house and to find Benjamin completely content, well-fed and napping like an Angel. I am beginning to feel less and less like a single mom as John Bear steps up into his role as a potential step-father. (And don’t even ask me what I am going to do about the name of my blog, because I am not crossing that big of a mental bridge yet… )

Lesson #3: Some things never change

Weddings can be amazing if they are simple, pure and between two – or sometimes three – people who love each other more than anything else. And, even though Katie and I haven’t been in a church together in 17 years, making eye contact with her during a Catholic hymn still results in a juvenile like giggle attack by yours truly. Fortunately, I think everyone thought I was crying.

Coming this week:

The wedding video… along with the pictures I did manage to take with my iPhone.

Like this one of Katie, Brian and Spencer (their 5-year-old son). If you missed their story click here to catch up.

And yeah, she’s wearing the New Leaf Necklace.

A Little Surprise & Date Night

mssinglemama — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 15:44:20 +0000

UPDATE & DISCLAIMER: All words ever written about Mia’s Other Woman on this blog are mine and mine alone, unless otherwise noted. Because we have been best friends our entire lives, I don’t even have Mia proof my posts – she trusts me. Whenever I write about her Other Woman, again because Mia is like a sister to me, I tend to get a bit fired up. Equating her to a woman on Jerry Springer was perhaps out of line. For that I apologize but I meant what I said and have zero tolerance for people who cheat or sleep with married men. Even though it takes two, both parties are equally as guilty as each other.

I have dated enough men who have been cheated on to know that the effects of that kind of broken heart don’t heal so easily. It’s a horrible, horrible thing. But again, my apologies to the Other Woman for going below the belt and most of all to Mia for meddling in her business. I won’t be mentioning the Other Woman on this blog again out of respect for their privacy. And I also want to say that I believe her ex is a good father. He did make a tragic mistake but he loves their daughter immensely. To my readers who may be confused, I am writing this because the Other Woman is reading this blog. We know this because the post that follows upset her and she told her boyfriend (Mia’s ex) who called Mia immediately.

You thought the book was all I had up my sleeve?

Nah. I’m much crazier than that? Why launch just one project when you can have two? These earrings have been in the works for a few months now. I am also working on a silver set of the new leaf necklace and earrings, which are coming in a few weeks. In the meantime, check out the new earrings in my Ms. Single Mama Shop.

And here is the lovely Mia modeling them for us…

Mia is doing well by the way. Her ex-boyfriend is still with the Other Woman. Yuck. I can’t even imagine being with a man who left his girlfriend and little daughter for me. I mean, really? Have you no self-respect Ms. Other Woman? I imagine her as some chick who could easily take a seat on Jerry Springer and blend right in with the scenery. I digress, sorry, still clearly fired up about all of it but so incredibly happy Mia is not with him anymore.

He doesn’t deserve her.

Not very many men do because Mia is a true spirit, a rare soul and someone who has the strength to grow and heal faster than I ever thought possible. We were talking the other night about the new single mom sympathy stares she’s receiving and the comments like, “Oh, don’t worry honey, you’ll find another one.”

Mia’s response? “Who says I want another one? Are you kidding me? I am loving this, loving being single – what if I never want another one again? Seriously. I think I may want to be single forever.” Her question prompted a big, long response from me – one which I’ll be featuring in Ms. Single Mama Uncensored. So stay tuned for that.

Married or not, if you have kids and you’re in a relationship date night is an absolute must. John Bear is amazing with Benjamin. So amazing in fact that I would be hard pressed to even find an issue to write about here. He is so patient and very aware of the parental learning curve he faces — as we all do when we suddenly have a child in our lives, whether they’re ours or not. But with that said I am three years and nine months ahead of him which means he needs and should have more breaks from the kid stuff than I do. I don’t want to overwhelm the guy. But to take breaks together, that’s another story all together.

Since we started dating he has always insisted on us having at least one date night a week, ideally two nights a week. At first that was tough for me to swallow. Taking an entire night off from everything seemed impossible, let alone two. But now, three months in – I look forward to our designated date nights as much as he does. It is clear to me now why they are so important. Tuesday, our typical date night is big around here, we both get all excited. But this Tuesday – we’re stumped. Where should we go? I was asking on Twitter and than John suggested letting all of you decide. So cast your vote here on where we should go tonight.

If you have a better idea, please leave a comment!

His first and his last.

mssinglemama — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 05:25:33 +0000

Because today was Benjamin’s first and his last third birthday and because I didn’t buy him a single present in Austin I spent my lunch break on a mission.

My mission was to buy everything I would need to transform his room from a nursery/toddler room…

[Click to continue, although, be warned - there are TONS of photos in this post and a video - although I think you won't believe what you see. I still can't believe I pulled it off]

to a big boy’s room.

I only had 45 minutes to do it because the birthday boy himself was patiently waiting for me at his day care. Where he looked a little confused when I arrived shouting something about this thing called a “birthday”.

When we got home I told him there was a big surprise up in his room and so up we marched… and I, of course, turned on the camera. I’m so glad I did.

While he played in his new room I ran downstairs to wrap presents, order pizza and put the cake in the oven.

Then two of our favorite friends, Justin and his son, came over. While Benjamin hung out with his buddy in his cool new pad, Justin helped me move all of the furniture wedged in the hallway and at the bottom of the stairs down to the basement.

Benjamin didn’t seem to notice.

Then I attempted to cover the cake with whipped cream. (This picture is blurry because I was laughing so hard.)

But some sprinkles and candles turned the cake into the perfect Ugly Cake.

And then it happened.

Benjamin turned three.

For the first and the last time.

Hard to believe how much he’s grown. We don’t stop growing when we’re adults either… at least I hope you haven’t.

That would be boring as hell.

Happy Birthday Mr. Benjamin, may you always be as free as you are now.

Isabelle’s Story

mssinglemama — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 11:57:05 +0000

Bringing my friend Mia’s story of becoming a single mother to this blog has inspired me to share more stories of single parents, all of whom – as it turns out – are very close friends of mine.

There’s Julie who is braving that big bad dating world again after over one year of getting over her ex who cheated (like Mia’s). She also works from home with her gorgeous daughter, Zoe, and is fighting the good fight right now to make all of their ends meet.

There’s Justin who fell in love with a single mom and her son. Despite their break up two years ago he is still very much the boy’s father. In fact, he spends far more time with his ex-girlfriend’s son than my ex-husband spends with Benjamin. It’s truly amazing.

And then there’s Katie who reunited with her ex-husband two years after their divorce. He never gave up on her and in the end it paid off. And now they’re planning a wedding. I’m so happy for both of them I just can’t stand it… I also had a little hand in pushing them back together (maybe she’ll explain that one).

Each of these single parents are dear, dear friends of mine. Their stories are coming up over the next few months… but first I want to share this one with you.

I have never met Isabelle.

And I’m not sure if I ever will. She lives in Australia but somehow found my blog when she was pregnant and uncertain about how she would manage as a single mom.

Before I publish her post I want to share those initial e-mails we shared last October because these are truly the beginning of her story as a single mom.

From Isabelle to me on October 24, 2008:

I’m 39 weeks pregnant and have been single the whole time. Stupid situation really. I had a five day fling with a European man who I have known for about five years. I have been over there to see him and he comes to Australia every few years to indulge in his extreme sport. I actually avoided him the two months he was here cause he is a womanizer and I’m so sick of those types but I have always had a thing for foreign men (can’t stand Australian men!) but he ended up coming to visit me for just five days and I thought ‘five days won’t hurt’ …well!

It kind of did.

I just lost my mind and we took a risk and I am pregnant and have just turned 40 which is crazy really as I have a number of friends who have been trying to get pregnant for years or months and it happens to me like this.

Anyway he is furious and is very upset that I am having bub and I stopped having contact with him early on as he was stressing me out too much and I haven’t heard from him in about six months. I don’t really begrudge him. I can’t expect much when he lives on the opposite side of the world. What disappoints me is that he is so angry with me for keeping the baby when he knew I wasn’t on the pill and he chose to take a risk too.

He hasn’t taken any responsibility for his own actions. From his perspective it is all my fault.

So! I’ve been good up to this point. First three months were super hard and getting through our winter was a little tricky as I have a high profile job but I made a point of holding my head up high and not letting anyone be negative to me about my situation and it worked.

Mostly people were very supportive. But now that I’m about to have the baby and I just wonder how I will cope. You seem like such a social person really and so was I. I used to play in rock bands up until my mid thirties and I have always been one of those party outdoor sporty types, is that a type? Party, outdoorsy and sporty?

Anyhoo my friends are all planning these events for themselves over the summer and I’m in mild panic that I’m going to feel suddenly really on the outer. How did you cope with a little baby and being single?

This bit I worry about. I will have no time to myself as there is no father to share the baby with. In some ways this could be a good thing and in others it scares the hell out of me. Especially how my little boy is going to be growing up without a father.

How do you manage to remain social? Do you organise baby sitters very much? I guess this what I will have to rely on seeing there is no father. My baby is due any day now and I just have all these feelings and nerves popping up. But you seem to not be short of dates either. I guess in some ways it probably makes you more alert to the womanizer types early on and not waste your time with them.

I don’t really know what I’m asking you. I’m just a bit scared, that’s all. I keep going over in my head how I could get to this point. Why I didn’t find the right man to settle with and to share this with instead of now being single and pregnant? It’s scary as hell but I do have to remind myself that I am lucky too, some women would love to be mums and they will never get a chance to.

From me to Isabelle on October 27, 2008:

You sound just like I did… so here are some words of wisdom. I hope they help:

Aside from rowdy bars, you can take a newborn anywhere. You may soon find who your real friends are – but that is a very good thing. The first 6 months are the hardest. I was single too during this time and it’s by far the most difficult because newborns are so incredibly demanding.

They do need you 24/7 and it seems like it’s never going to end.

But if it’s any consultation – it does end and one day you actually get to sleep through a night, and then another, and then – for me it was when Benjamin hit 2 – things get much, much easier.

Screw the father – this is NOT your fault… consider him the sperm donor from here on out.

You will find other men – you may even be more attractive to them now, as a mother – and yes, the players will fall away – only the good men will be left standing. That means there are less to choose from but you’re only getting the cream of the crop, the men who are totally and completely in love with you.

Everything will change.

You will just want to die sometimes – but about once a week – hire a sitter and treat yourself to that me time you hear moms talk about so much. That will make or break your sanity. Continue being social. I bring Benjamin everywhere I go and he is one of the sweetest, most open and outgoing little 2-year-olds I’ve ever met. Being social – constantly bringing them to festivals, parties and things also makes it easier when you bring a new man into your life. They are so used to meeting new people that it’s less apt to be a shock to their system.

Keep me posted on your birth!! I’m so incredibly proud of you. Be strong.

After this e-mail months went by and I didn’t hear anything from Isabelle… so I figured you could wait a few days to hear the rest of her story.

To be continued.

No Show

mssinglemama — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 14:21:40 +0000

I got a text message at 5:27 a.m. this morning from Benjamin’s father.

“So not coming.”

That’s all it said. No reason why. Nothing. Normally I would have rolled back over and kept sleeping but given that tonight is date night I shot up like a bullet.

“Why? He is expecting you,” I texted back.

Nothing.

Twenty minutes later I call him.

“I’m sick, I’ve been puking all night,” he says.

A wave of memories hits me – the sick days I’ve had with Benjamin, the long voyages to the store or to grandma’s nauseated as hell.

“That’s bull shit,” I said.

Then he hung up the phone.

When Benjamin woke up I had to break the news. He’s been expecting him lately, more than ever because he’s getting older and is now much more aware of Daddy’s presence or absence, whichever it is that week. He took it like a champ and gobbled down his cereal but I know tonight he’ll be crying for him.

I get it that he’s sick but why not give me a heads up the night before? Or even let me sleep in a bit before waking me with the news? Why is he so inconsiderate? And why can’t he just suck it up and show up on a consistent basis. If you’ll notice Benjamin’s father has now consistently skipped every other week since January 1st. (I think).

Last night my stranger date called and I quickly picked up on the fact that he’d be picking me up. So I scrambled to clean my house, just in case he got a peak inside. Which I hope he does because from the outside my place looks like a shithole. Rusty awnings, siding from the 60′s and a messy yard. I am extremely lacking in the yard maintenance department – it’s just a tad embarassing. But on the inside it’s a sweet, sweet and super cute/comfortable little apartment.

I called my babysitter this morning, probably woke her up – but she can watch Benjamin – a miracle. Now I have to decide if I should cancel those pick up plans. I may have to meet him at the restaurant so Benjamin doesn’t see him – God forbid if my son actually sees his mom get into a car with a strange man, could mess him up for life.

No, seriously, I don’t want him to see that.

The other option is to send Benjamin and the sitter off to the coffee shop during date pick up time. And I’ll also be returning the new dress I was going to wear so I can afford to pay the babysitter.

I wanted to share this all with you because, well, I had a feeling you could relate. And while I laid awake this morning (only ended up with 5 hours of sleep) all I could think about was using the little savings I do have to hire a lawyer.

I want full custody.

—–

And now I must work. Yeah, that job thing. There’s that too. Oh, and the whole date thing. By the time I land in that restaurant I’m going to be the happiest date that guy’s ever seen – just because I’ll be out of my house with a bottle of wine in front of me and a handsome man to make me smile.

Single moms rock.

And today would be a great day to fill out your ex’s real name here.