How to Date a Single Mom, Part 3
Thomas, aka “the Dane”, started reading this blog long before his visit. And this morning, I found this in my inbox - a guest blog entry from Thomas on his experience with Benjamin and I.
For the men, this is the perfect addition to my series on How to Date a Single Mom. And for the single moms, here is proof that not all men run away screaming at the idea of dating a single mom (why? because we rock and so do our kids).
Here’s Thomas’ version of our long weekend:
Stepping out of the car in front of the house Benjamin came running towards me, “Daddy!, Daddy!”
Ed note: Benjamin calls every man “Daddy”
You can probably imagine my surprise. Being called “Daddy” by a boy you haven’t seen before – sounds actually like a nightmare. But it took a lot of pressure off of my shoulders. I didn’t have to worry about whether Benjamin would like me or not – a major concern of mine before coming. Instead I dropped my bags and started playing with him. This was followed by the warm welcome by Alaina whom I hadn’t seen in seven years.
However, she came in second at this point! And this turned out to be the same way I was going to feel during the next five days. Benjamin was of course the number one priority. I had never experienced this before, so it took me a little while to get used to – being left in the middle of a conversation, a movie or something else because of a cry or an unusual sound from upstairs. This was perhaps the biggest challenge during my visit. Accepting to be second.
It was also difficult for me to know when Benjamin had crossed the line. We all have our different ideas of how to raise a kid and I had to find hers. This meant that I had a hard time knowing when to react on his cries and when not to.
These things aside, the five days were great. I loved being part of a family. I loved being able to spoil a mom by helping out around the house, cooking and by going shopping so she could have some more time with Benjamin.
Seeing her face light up with appreciation was the best and it showed me that it is still true that helping others make you happy and that the little things really do matter!
Being part of this family was addictive, though, and it was very difficult leaving. So now I can’t wait until I once again step out of a car – somewhere in this world – and have a little kid run towards me crying “Daddy!, Daddy!”
Now, how sweet is that? Can’t wait to see you in August Thomas! And if you missed the others…
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 1
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 2
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 4
[Photo: Thomas and Benjamin enjoying the sunny deck at Grandma's]
Fast Forward a few months … and read about my trip to visit Thomas.
Filed under: Dating, sex and love, For the men, My little guy, how to date a single mom
That is quite possibly the sweetest thing I’ve ever read!!
I’m thinking that man is a keeper…..:)
You seem to be having a fulfilling life there with your son.
Keep it up! Its nice to be around one’s familly members and giving assurance that you are there for them.
Wish you the best.
This is fabulous. Thomas truly is one of a kind.
This was a fabulous post. Thomas sounds like a fantastic, quality guy. He entered your home in a sweet, thoughtful, compassionate way. And while he is a rare specimen of single male, I hope readers don’t see him as some freak of nature, i.e. the only guy in the world who can act that way. He is the poster boy of what a single guy dating a single mom can be like. He gives hope that somewhere there are other men capable of acting the same way. Now all of you keep his image in mind and attract a similar man of your own!
(From my single dad perspective, I know there are single women who could enter a family in similar form. We single parents just need to see more examples like this, more often!)
Simply the fact that he wrote a guest post for you blows me away… Wow, he’s a great writer.
That is so sweet! It had me in tears. By the way…he is very cute!
THIS is what you deserve. It’s what we (we being people who may be single or in a unhappy relationship) all deserve.
He is awesome. So glad you’re going to visit him.
You’ve inspired me to order the danish at the coffee-shop I always go too….I don’t even carea bout the calories– I just want the comfort of some kind of Dane in my life too! (heheheh) How awesome is he!???!!
It sounds to me like you might not be able to call yourself Ms. Single Mama much longer!
And yes, to agree with other posts, it certainly doesn’t hurt that he is hot.
C’mon you guys - he was only here for 5 days!
Glad you’re all enjoying this male insight … wonderful to hear from the good ones every now and again.
And yes, he is super hot, these pictures don’t do him justice. Oh, and then there’s his adorable accent.
Awww! So dang sweet.
Yeah, he is definitely a keeper.
What a great site! Thinking of becoming single just so I can “belong.”
Brought me to tears. What a wonderful man. This has been my obsticale in trying to date as a single mom, which I have been for almost 5 years now. I have yet to meet a man that will accept being second.
Please can we clone him?!?!?!
>
biggest challenge during my visit. Accepting to be second.
>
or even further down the totem pole. So, I hear ya. With her 6 year old boy and 7 year old girl, demanding job, long commute, large close-knit family, difficult ex-husband, it can be disappointing when I want to spend more time with her and she’s pulled into so many other directions. Part of the text I got last night: “..school party tonight. Canned a manager. daycare end tommorow..” I remember one early morning, she just woke- she said, “this is going to be a challenge” Somehow, I’ve managed to take it easy, yes- be patient, offered to help. One night, eyes drooping to sleep, she softly whispered- “can you turn off the light in their room?” Walking up the stairs, I felt pretty useful.
Wow! So far so good, huh? That’s awesome.
How’s Benjamin doing now that he’s gone?
This was the best post ever. It literally brought me to happy tears. May there be more men in the world like Thomas! Thanks for sharing.
Liz - I have a feeling the Danes are all a class act … we shall see…so yes, there may be an entire country of them! Group vacation anyone?
Dan - thanks so much for sharing that … so true - even something that small means the world to us.
MP - he’s fine - thankfully (I was worried) …but he bounced right back. My parents often had visitors from Europe over when I was a kid, so that’s what he was to Benjamin - a friend from a distant land. And fortunately I have a lot of guy friends who are in his life, including Kris - who has been visiting every few weeks.
Lara - yes, cheers to Thomas and great men every where. : )
And you are debating exploring any future with this man because ….? he lives in another country ahh! Ask him to come back , long distance, anything he seems unbelivable. That was an honest, caring, wonderful post. What caught me was the honesty about being called daddy and his feelings on coming second. Also the best part on learning how to react and when to respond to Benjamin’s cries that is truly amazing.
Yes this was a very sweet post. I really appreciated Thomas’ honest about being second and being called daddy, that was refreshing.
I traveled over to your site based on a posting you made on yahoo regarding online dating. I agree with you, when you get to know someone you’ve met online (at times) there is a deeper connection. I’d say this is especially true for those that are long distance.
Typing in our little IM windows we seem to open up more. I’ve known people to knock it as a form a communication, but I believe it is a great tool for some of us.
As a child of a single mom…yes we rock!
[...] start falling from…Want men to start fa… on Just when I thought I was…chem on How to Date a Single Mom, Part…lojah on Holy Amazon [...]
What this Thomas dude wrote reminds me of me when I dated my current girlfriend. In fact, he sounds exactly like I did.
I was addicted to be around her and her kid. Seeing her eyes light up when I helped around was a great feeling (still is). Being admired by a 4 years old was awesome.
That’s the easy part of dating a single mother.
But LIVING with her is quite another story. And that’s the real test (for any couple for that matter).
Soon, the joy of being in a family sometime turns into choking anxiety. It’s normal, men need space and it’s hard to go from single to family man. You start to feel uncontrollable rejection for the child, even though you’re deeply attached to him/her. That is also normal biologically, in the animal kingdom male reacts just the same. The mother’s face doesn’t light up as much as it used to. She got used to it, can’t blame her. Every now and then, she asks you to babysit. It’s fun, but eventually, you cannot help but wonder what you could do with your evening. You cannot do anything, even go for a coffee alone with your gf, without organization (babysitter and all). At first, you don’t mind, then it’s irritating, then you get used to it. Eventually, you can’t help but envy couples without kids. Guys sitting calmly wiht their nice and quiet girlfriend, while your gf’s kid is taking upall your the attention at the table. You see people going out in town, while you stay at home, watching movies on friday night because you couldn’t find a babysitter. You feel like a fish in a jar watching all the other fish swimming freely in the ocean.
This is NOT bashing. This is from my single male’s single point of view. If you think this dude Thomas won’t go through this, you’re lying to yourself. I’ve known quite a lot of guys who tried to date single mothers and frankly, I’m pretty much the only one who had a successful relationship mostly because I am in tune with myself. I can understand and describe how I feel objectively to my girlfriend, instead of running away like most guys do.
So yeah, in conclusion, the big challenge is not dating a single mom. That’s actually easy and often more fun than with girls without kids, who are more likely to be superficial.
The real challenge is living with her and surviving the emotional rollercoaster of bringing a kid into your life overnight. It takes A LOT of time and A LOT of conversations, with both the guy and the mother’s ability to leave their ego at the door and put themselves in each other shoes.
I was lucky enough to find a girl with considerable dating experience, who knows and understands exactly how most men think.
Of course, you can always find yourself a “life partner”. Euphemism for a guy who will do anything with anyone just to settle down. But that’s not very romantic and way too easy
[...] How to Date a Single Mom, Part 3 [...]
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AiLaf - I can only imagine what it will be like if a man ever moves in with us…which I’m no where near close to.
Question for you - how long did you and your gf date before you moved in?
We dated a year and a half, on an off, before we moved in.
To be honest, it was not a very healthy relationship at first.
When first started dating, she thought I was just another guy who didn’t want anything to do with her kid so she cheated on me to make sure we wouldn’t get emotionally attached, or so she said.She regretted it once she realized I actually cared. I took her back but also took my revenge afterward, in order to dump her. And she did the same thing. And so did I. And so on…until we realized we just couldn’t dump each other so might as well stop being idiots.
Then we lived in different cities for like a year. I saw her on weekends and used my time in between contracts to help her with her son so she could start her business. It was all going perfect at this point. Then I moved city, started a new business and moved in with her.
She wasn’t ready to make room for a man into her day-to-day life and I certainly wasn’t ready to make room for two people into my life and I didn’t felt like it was a fair relationship.
Our relationship collapsed within two months. All kinds of crap happened and this fall, we decided to guve it a last try.
I can happily say, to my surprise, that it’s working out marvelously but it took a lot of efforts and empathy. Especially on her part. Not because she’s worse than me, simply because of the context.
You see, it is easy to put myself in a single’s mother shoe. Her kid is part of my life too. It’s hard to have something as in-your-face as all the obligations that come with a child. So I knew what I was dealing with.
But in her case, understanding where I was coming from was a little more abstract. It’s hard for a parent to have/remember that perspective we people without kids have. You know, not really knowing where your life is heading since you have so much options because you only have yourself to care about with no responsabilities whatsoever? Being a teenager basically.
Once she talked to a girl who was with a man with kids, it opened her eyes. She understood that any man with other options available to him will feel like he’s pissing his life away if he doesn’t have at least the impression that he’s getting his fair share out of the relationship. That no man, except the father, will ever have the unconditionnal love she has for her son (except maybe over years) and consenquentially, that the headaches that sometimes come with a child have to be balanced out by positive actions of her own since i have no obligations toward neither of them, unlike the father.
That’s a long of run on sentences, I know. Let’s just say, I didn’t want to feel like an accessory or a ghost. I NEEDED some sort of recognition, like thank you once in a while you know? Everybody does. Her child forces me to make MANY concessions and that she cannot be complacent because things are easier on her end. She has to try, like I have to, everyday. And when she does, I not only make concessions, I WANT to make them, you see?
Once she started to see things in a positive way, she stopped interpretating this like she was worth less and that her kid was jsut baggage to me. Instead, she realized that if I made extra efforts to be with someone with a kid, it must be because I extra loved her and that surely I expected the same treatment
That takes a lot of humility to understand.
Since then, our relationship is going increasingly well. We have great projects ahead of us. Sorry for the long comment, but I hope you’ll understand what I meant in my first brutal comments. I think many single mothers need to realize that though they are great, and they are, the men who chose them are too in a certain way and deserve better than just wearing an apron and changing diapers.
Sorry for answering such a simple question with such a long comment btw.
I wanted you to understand my story a little better
I think it all comes down to that. If a man chooses you over that single chick without kids at work who’s just as nice and hot, he must love you A LOT. I couldn’t even call girls back because their body wasn’t perfect, their job sucked, their family annoyed me…etc. But I fell for this totally normal girl and did a lot of sacrifices to be with her. I can’t tell you why, but I know it’s something pure.
So you don’t have to worship your man, but treat him well because your child(ren) WILL test that beautiful love it in every way imaginable :-D.
AiLaf … what a story! Thanks so much for sharing … sounds like we do agree on a lot after all.
You’re right … the men who do love us single moms are the best of the best because yes, they could go the easy route and find a woman who doesn’t have any kids. And there’s no doubt about it - kids are not easy. And being an instant father figure isn’t either.
But, as I like to put it - we get to weed out the jerks by default. And yes, we get the best of the best. The men who do stick around must truly, truly love us. But this is a fine line - because some of us, I fear, feel that because we are single moms we are less worthy and we take any guy who is willing to stick around.
The message I want to resonate with single moms is that, just because you have a child, does not mean you have to settle. I hope that makes sense and thanks again for sharing! What an incredible story.
[...] UPDATE: A few days after writing this post, Thomas wrote about the experience through his eyes, read it here. [...]
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[...] he does I may not be able to completely relax. Which means I may not be able to completely enjoy the Dane. Benjamin stress aside, I’m starting to get excited … only four weeks away now. I try [...]
The only males my two year old son spends any time around are my brother (who doesn’t have a beard) and my step-dad (that does).
Jack calls all guys without a beard “daddy” (that is what his kids call him after all), and all guys with a beard are “poppy” (the nickname the grandkids gave my step-dad).
It was a tad disconcerting and embarrassing at first, but now I just laugh about it.
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Thanks for writing!