Dating Horrors, Molly Undercover Version

by Molly Undercover on August 21, 2017

It’s time for another round of dating horror stories:

A date with a guy that was not nearly as hot as I’d first thought:

I am getting over being sick and only out with this dude due to boredom. This guy is AWFUL to talk to. When a guy launches into a speech on the first date “I’m almost too nice. . . “: methinks thou dost protest too much? Why are you telling me this? You are either really boring, or you’re a monster! When he gets up to go to the bathroom I decide to risk asking him about his politics when he returns. It’s been a rough political season and this could be an easy way to find out whether he’s got ANY potential or not. If we can’t talk intelligently about what’s going on in the world, forget it. Well, he returns and I waste no time. Turns out we cannot talk intelligently. And he’s not cute. All I can think about is how people in earshot must be so annoyed to have to listen to our attempt to connect. It’s like nails on a blackboard. 

It gets better though. As I was leaving the nightmare awkward date, above, I looked to my right and realized The Centaur had been sitting there the whole time, hearing every word. This was before we’d ever gone out but after I’d met him, decided I thought he was super cute, and asked him for his number. At least it gave me a funny excuse to text The Centaur a few days later, and a good conversation starter and bonding point to talk about what a disaster that date had been. Just another embarrassing Centaur experience.

Sorry, the role of ‘My Baby Boy’ is already taken:

Then there’s the night where I was hanging out with a guy that I’d pegged as quite confident, cool, and cute. We started to make out a little. . . whoo hoo!! Kissing is fun! But then, something so strange. Abruptly, his face turned away from me, his left hand sliding up to mouth. He’d stopped kissing me to suck his thumb. He gently embraced his cheek with his palm. What about me? I want a gentle embrace! I mean. . .I’m ok with it, I get it. It’s a tough world out there, and if there’s something that brings you comfort and hurts no one, by all means, you do You! But right now?  Your thumb is better than my luscious lips? Even worse – was he showing me he needs a mama? It doesn’t help that Mr. Confident here was substantially younger than me. Forget it! That slot, of baby boy, is filled in my life. I don’t need an overgrown child hanging around, thank you! 

DO NOT pet the feral rats:

Another very cute guy, I met while out for a walk in my city neighborhood. (In hindsight, red flag, obviously – be careful when somebody picks you up on the street!) We got a drink and got to talking. At first he told me he lived alone. I pressed. I got excited, it seems we had something in common! We were both going through divorces, with kids. But, as I pressed, I realized he was avoiding answering my questions about it his family life. Here’s why: actually after some questioning I learned he was still living with his wife, the mother of his children, and she didn’t know he was out picking up ladies AND he’d just right then lied to me first and told me he lived alone. Very ratty. I should have known by the way he scurried along the gutter. Their divorce wasn’t even fully decided on!!! Why do men do stuff like this? I got the heck out of there. This dude had NO business talking to me until he sorted this stuff out with his wife. Infuriating and icky!

Wishing you better dates,

Molly Undercover

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