Sad Clown in an Arcade

by Molly Undercover on May 15, 2017

Sitting in an arcade for Tim’s birthday party with a bunch of twelve year olds. This is pretty much the last place I want to be right now, since I just had a little bit of a break up conversation with Cat Guy, and now I need to be fun and cheerful. It can hardly be called a break up, because he’s only been around for three weeks. But he had already expressed so much interest in being around longer. I had started to fall for him a little.

“I need to recalibrate,” I told him as he looked at me with his deep eyes. “I’m struggling. I’m working on divorce paperwork and feeling heartbreak, and I don’t think the state I’m in is any kind of foundation for a relationship.”

Cat Guy took this news well, like a real grown man. Just kept looking into my eyes with his deep brown ones. Then he put his head on my shoulder and cursed softly.

Ugh! Why does this have to feel so hard? Cat guy wasn’t my boyfriend yet, but he is the first person to come even close to being a boyfriend, and he would be a ‘good’ one, at least on paper. He plans ahead to hang out, but he’s open to spontaneous fun, too. He has no idea what it’s like to be a parent, but he has shown nothing but enthusiasm to meet Tim. I get the feeling that he would do all that he can to integrate into our lives and seems attracted to me and Tim as a package. These are all things that are important to me if I ever get into a relationship again. Not only that, but he’s attractive. It SUCKS to be passing up on a relationship with this guy. But my gut says I’m just not ready, and that I need to protect my singleness fiercely. Listening to my gut again is one of my single mama superpowers, and I can’t abandon it no matter how much I want a boyfriend.

So, here I am, handling a sleepover party alone. I forgot orange juice and bacon for the morning. If I had a man around, we could divide forces; he could play with the kids while I run to the store. It’s little things like this, not to mention the desire for love and companionship, that make me want a man around, at least sometimes.

Runs to the store and companionship aren’t enough to lure me into a relationship right this moment. Like Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes, “happiness isn’t good enough for me. I demand euphoria!” And, I’ve got friends and neighbors who will pick stuff up from the store for me. I will soldier on, single, and keep going in this growth process a little longer, without cat guy.

Love,

Molly Undercover

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