One of the most challenging aspects of single motherhood, or single parenthood, is adjusting to shared custody.
In many cases, as mine was until recently, you are legally obligated to send your child into your ex-spouse’s home regardless of whether or not your gut instinct is screaming at you that something is just “not right” about a step-sibling in the house or a step-parent or even their biological parent. You, in most cases, have to pack your child’s bag, put him into his or her little car seat and drive them directly into the Lion’s Den. Your child comes home, an emotional wreck. In Benjamin’s case, filthy, hungry and exhausted to boot.
Now, I am a bit jaded–from my own personal ex-experience being so downright awful–but there are obviously many situations that aren’t nearly as bad. There are dreamy ex-spouses who actually communicate with you for the children’s sake, drop them off on time and pick them up on time. Feed them, clothe them, support them and continue to be a supportive co-parent by always putting the children first. I have yet to meet one of these, but I hear they exist.
So, what do you do when you have no options legally? In my case, it took something actually happening to Benjamin for us to be able to receive full custody with zero unsupervised visits at his father’s home. I can’t get into details, but it has been a harrowing ordeal, to say the least. All of those years my gut instinct was right. I regret ever sending him there. I regret not acting like a mad woman and hiring a fierce attorney to keep him from ever spending the night there. But, I can’t go back in time, only forward… and am relieved that it is over in a sense. No more sharing for this mama.
What advice do you have for each other on surviving the ex hand over? Any coping mechanisms you have learned that you can share with new single moms? Or do you just want to vent.
Do so in the comments. Can’t wait to read your thoughts on this.
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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
From what I’ve been told by members of my single parent group, attorneys, and police, it is virtually impossible to end unsupervised visitation until something bad has actually happened to the child
. Even in cases of known drunk driving with the child in the car….the court will do nothing until the child has actually been harmed 
.
It’s really, really difficult, especially when you are the one who has to “clean up the mess” when your child returns. My son has autism, so coming back after being at his dad’s is often a long transition process, sometimes taking months to get back to our normal routines. You just have to get to a place where you understand deep down that you cannot waste too much emotional energy on something over which you have no control. At the same time, do everything in your power to minimize the negative effects of time spent there.
I struggle with this every day. I once got so far as to have DCF and the Dept of Health involved, but then it all just fell apart on me. No charges, nothing changed, and my ex got to gloat in addition to his regular nastiness.
Now I am facing Contempt charges, but the court has appointed my children their OWN attorney, AND a guardian ad litem. Thank GOD!!! Finally someone is on my KIDS’ side!!! Even with charges pending, I have never been so excited for court….
My advice? Never stop TRYING. Never give up-Never back down. No matter what the outcome.
First off, I am so sorry you and your son had to go through that experience. I’m so glad you have full custody now and Benjamin is safe.
I’m not sure what advice I can offer. My divorce came about for a number of reasons, one of which was his cheating. But we have two small kids (4 1/2 and 18mo.) It is because of them that I was able to put aside my anger and bitterness and try to have a “working” relationship with their dad. And now, as much as it sucks to not be able to see them or hug them every single day… they are getting two parents in two homes who love the hell out of them and who are better people for not being together. My ex and I are now at the point where we talk on the phone a number of times a week, we work with each other for holidays and birthdays and odd things that come up like weddings and funerals and other occasions. We facetime at least once a week so the kids can see/talk to the other parent. We are definitely better friends and parents now that we are no longer married. We are both also in new relationships, with people who respect our past together and love our kids as well. We have met each other’s bf/gf; i have even eaten dinner alone with his gf (NOT someone he cheated on me with, thankfully. That girl still deserves my fist in her face.) But all in all, our situation works. Do we still deal with our kids and their meltdowns? Sure! I hear a tantrum of “I want my daddy!!” at least once a week. But they are less and less as time goes on. Do i still have the urge to smack my ex upside the head when he does or says something stupid? Definitely!! I don’t want anyone to think it’s all rainbows and sunshine. I went through over 2 years of hell, including finding out my ex was cheating on me the entire time I was pregnant with our second child. I was depressed and an emotional wreck; I went to plenty of therapy sessions and had a great group of friends and family who helped support me through my divorce. But as I’ve come out, still alive, on the other side, it’s very important to me for my kids to see me in the loving relationship I’m in with my boyfriend, and to also see me in a “normal” relationship with their daddy.
I had this nagging feeling about sending my daughter with my ex for an entire year we were separated while the divorce was in process. Less than a month after the divorce was finalized, he left the country and we haven’t heard from him since. No phone call, email, birthday card, or child support etc. It has been 18 months and I believe he will never return. Good riddance, I say.
Wow its crazy how things work out. I seriosuly just started blogging yesterday! I was looking for blogs on google that were like mine about being a single mom ! Still trying to figure everything out. Anyways yours was the first one I came across, and what do you know this topic that ive been thinking about all morning you’re writing about. My son is 5 months old and the father and I never really knew eachother.. we had paterninty test done and they just came back the beginning of Feb. Hes been an excellent dad so far and agreeing with me on everything. Its almost to good to be true. I dont see us getting together although we get along so well.
Anyways alls I have thought about this morning was whats going to happen when Rich (father) starts dating women and brings my son around them. Its something im not emotionaly ready for or will not be ready for till my son is older…
I had a lot more to say but my head is all over the place today but I am not following you and will be keeping up with your post!
Glad to find someone going through something a little similar.
I hate to complain in comparison, but the opposite is difficult too: the vacation, do-nothing-wrong, let-me-stay-up-late, ice-cream-for-breakfast, whatever-the-kid-wants kind of Dad. That’s another big transition every time my daughter comes home and adjusts to reality and structure. Never mind how jealous her step siblings are and the fighting that results.
Now my ex (who lives out of state) shows up for every possible holiday and disrupts our new blended family’s plans. I’m glad he’s maintained a relationship with his daughter, but every time he shows up, she’s all about him and I feel like I miss out on special occasions with her.
I guess the perfect balance is very rare and special.
Hi Amy, I think I am in a similar situation to you! I get so frustrated with my child’s father- it is all holiday time for him and he has no understanding of her need for routines or stability. He sees her once a week, on a Sunday, and I have to pack her bag, drop her off, etc- she often comes back hungry and exhausted, with a bag full of dirty laundry for me to wash, and then spends the rest of the week trying to re-adjust. I’m so over it!! He’s never had to sit up all night with her when she’s sick, almost never had to deal with tantrums or difficult behaviour. He’s re-partnered, because of course he has ample free time. Sigh!!
It was the same for me. For 1 year I tried to cooperate. I gave my ex the benefit of the doubt. I’d see things, smell things, and confront him about it, but he’d always have some story that made me doubt my gut. He was as horrible a husband as they come, but I was in denial about his deficiencies as a parent. Then he drove drunk with our child and got a DUI. That DUI snapped me awake. I got a lawyer. Even then we had unsupervised visits, but at least i had temporary sole custody. In time we were able to get supervised visits, but it has been a long hard and EXPENSIVE road.
Advice for mamas:
1) Get a great lawyer, but shop around. Get someone who’s done this before A LOT, but also try to find one with decent rates. You’ll be a rush, desperate for support, but who you choose will paid to know your case, changing lawyers will mean paying for double for time to familiarize your lawyer with what’s going on. My lawyer is good, but she’s $400/hr. It’s too late to switch now, but I wish I’d shopped around more. The cost of this is a serious thing to consider, and plan for. If your spouse is unfit and has assets or income, the judge will likely award you legal fees, because it’s in the interest of the child.
2) Prepare for a long-haul. I’ve been at it for 1.5 years. Still litigating.
3) This type of case, requires you to think strategically. To be consistent and to always remember what any of your actions will look like on paper in the courtroom. The other side will be trying to trick you into making mistakes. EG: they’ll plead “it’s christmas, can’t the family supervise for just this special day?” Your lawyer will say “it’s up to you, but i think you should allow it, because you don’t want the judge to think you’re being punitive or nasty.” then in court, your spouse’s lawyer will use your one time allowance to argue for why “the family should be allowed to supervise.”
4) There will be times you second guess yourself. You’ll feel guilty or like you’re tearing your child away from their father. But you need to remember this, when it comes to safety “if there is ANY doubt, there is NO Doubt about protecting your child.”
5) REMEMBER TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. My therapist and sage oft says: “it’s like being on an airplane. In the instruction manual they tell you that when the oxygen masks drop, you have to put one over yourself first. Then your child. It’s very wise. If you don’t take care of yourself, who will be there to take care of your little one?”
With love to you all.
It took a few years, but we finally went to a mediator and had a non-legally binding parenting plan written up. When son’s father starts to stray from the plan I have to remind him of it, and threaten to make him return to re-write it. Luckily he usually has enough sense to acknowledge that I have way more sense than he does and will not push too far.
Kristine, your parenting plan sounds like a great idea. I’m just worried it would lead to more arguments especially when the divorce is a few years back. Or if he would even agree to the idea at this point.
I would love to go this route.Mediation, parenting plan –everything ambicable. I’m still so stuck in fear of ruining my child that I am just idle at the moment! But reading this gives me hope.
Going through something similar at the moment. We are in California and laws here about terminating, or even limiting parental rights are very difficult to turn in your favor. We have been divorced and doing the child visitation thing for over 6 years, and now that my kids are 13 and 9 they are voicing strong opinions and requests about spending less time with dad. He is emotionally and psychologically abusive, and the only reason he is not physically abusive is because I am certain he fears that I will bring the law down on him so hard, he won’t know what hit him. He berates the children about their grades and academic accomplishments, even though both kids are on the honor roll at Highly gifted schools. Calls to tell me I’m a bad mother, etc. So I’ve had it, and hired an attorney, and my hope is that we will get a reduction in visitation to once a month with no overnight stays. I’m also fortunate to work with my own therapist, and also a fantastic one for both kids who has helped them tremendously on this very difficult and emotional journey. Wish us luck.
So I am a year into separation with my ex. I left him because he was about as bad a husband as there was. All I have heard from the system is “just because he was a bad husband, doesn’t mean he is a bad father”. You can’t separate it in my opinion. A good father has respect for the mother of his child, and treats her with dignity no matter what. In any case, we have a 50/50 arrangement with our son at the moment, despite my fighting with tooth and nail. I am in that unfortunate situation of waiting for him to screw up so I can take him back to court.
Handing off my child to him is the hardest thing in the world, and I have had a lot of therapy to deal with it. But I know I need to take care of myself too, I have to have a life outside of this situation, and time to myself does enable that to happen. My therapist gave me a really good analogy to think about. She says to think of my son as a part-time employee in 2 very different companies. I control only my company, I set the rules and expectations of that company. I can do absolutely nothing about what happens in the other company, so don’t bother. I say alot “well I don’t know about what goes on in your dad’s house, but in mom’s house these are the rules”. And my son, who is only 4, had adapted. He knows there are different expectations in my house and that he can’t get away with the guilt trip about what goes on at his dad’s. It has also helped me to communicate with his dad in a business like way, try to take the emotion out of it. You have to find a way to communicate, so I try to be polite and just stick to the facts.
I don’t think any mother signed up to be a part time parent, and it certainly isn’t easy. We will never stop worrying about our kids. Just do your best and always try to remember to take care of yourself.
I am currently dealing with custody issues with a father who has been pretty much absent since my 2nd trimester. He has a friend that then became his girlfriend who harassed me about abortion and paternity and then 2 wks after my childs birth said she WILL be a part of my child’s life. The father has other children and has told me he couldnt take care of them on his own so thats where his girlfriend fills in. And im supposed to send a defenseless baby there?! I have watched push our daughter roughly, not out of malice for her, but while cussing me out. I spoke to a lawyer who gave me the ‘give him a chance to be a good dad speech’ and was disgusted. And this is a really good lawyer!! Fortunately, the father is a royal idiot in other areas that have complicated this situation even further so i havent had to hand her over… Yet. I dread the day. He still sees her infrequently but i don’t make him pay. I was just disgusted with let him be a dad spiel. It made me sick and killed my spirit in a situation that has already drained me.
To Amy,
I agree. I send my son off to “Disney” dad two nights a week, which most people think is great, but its hard because he literally buys him something fun every week, let’s him stay home from school etc etc. The attitude that me and his future step father get is unbelievable and it takes about two days to get him straight and then I have to send him back. It’s a mess. I had tried for full custody since his dad had a known drug
And alcohol problem but so far he’s cleaned up, but it would have been easier if we didn’t have shared custody. At my house, there are rules and chores and few new toys and video games just because. And my son thinks I’m the bad guy
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I have this: drop them off on time and pick them up on time (for the most part). Feed them, clothe them, support them. However he doesn’t communicate with me at all. He stays in the car while he has his new girlfriend of over a year pass my daughter off to me along with any other comments, questions, etc.. I sent him an email about how I felt how things were going. She got out of the car, passed my daughter off to me and began discussing his thoughts/and hers on the email I sent HIM. That wasn’t meant for her eyes, but whatever… The last 2 years he has not attended her birthday parties, but his brother, mother and god father did. All whom are close to him. So they showed up, but her own dad didn’t.
I am grateful that he continues to show up in other ways for her, but he doesn’t always “exactly” put her first due to his actions, anger and resentments towards me? A lot of immaturity on his part. I have learned to not let it take my joy away, to keep calm and carry on, and to set boundaries and not give into his every whim. However, I have learned when I don’t give in to his whims, I get the wrath. Similar to a child having a tantrum, because they are not getting their way.
I love my daughter very much and hope that in the future (maybe not near) that this could get better. I can only be hopeful. My daughter asked me the other night, why daddy doesn’t get out of the car when I drop her and pick her up. Mind you she is 4 years old. Kids are smart…. I explained and told her because he doesn’t get out, doesn’t make us lover her any less. Daddy just has some things to work on. Kids get it! Ahh… Keep on keeping on!
That sucks that something had to happen for you to get somewhere with your situation. My situation isn’t as bad so I’ve learned to control the relationship. My ex is a good dad, when he is there. I feel like he only comes around when I specifically say things like ‘can (your son) spend some time with you this weekend?’ We do not have a custody agreement and so far it’s working out for us. I did go to court for child support because when we tried to work that out ourselves it was a disaster.
Thank you for sharing. You are NOT alone. Thank you for showing me that i’m not either. Your strength and courage is inspiring..
I had to go through it twice with my son’s. With my first son it took the father threatining to harm me and my unborn child and him threatining to come take my oldest son away from me. He went to the police in Chicago and said I kidnapped my oldest son. The police referred the case to a juvenile officer who called me and as we spoke he discover that not only had my ex and I been ex for a bunch of years but that there were over 25 abuse calls to the police over the years we were together on my ex and how I feared for my life as well as my son and unborn child. I was not the only one who called the police when we were together. I was not living in Chicago at the time. I got an Emergency Order of Protection and then received a 2 year. It helped when I needed it the most. I had my baby boy and never went against the Order.
When my little guy was born his bio father was another winner, long story short, like you I hated having to send my son up to that hosue. He would never give my son his medicine when he was sick and would not even spend a dime to buy a car seat or a toddler seat and expected me to always comply because he had “fathers rights.” It finally came to a head one Fourth of July when he bit my son who was 11 yrs old then on his arm and then blamed my son. Now if you try to bite where he was bitten things became fishy. I called the police, we went to court my son was appointed an attorney ad litem. When it was all said and done the attorney ad litem recommend that the bio father give up his rights and that my husband be allowed to adopt my son. My husband has been in my sons life since he was 3 and he will tell you that is his dad and his bio father is his step dad even though he knows the truth. It’s now been 5 years since then and not only did the bio father not give up his rights but he has not seen my son either and we are so greatful. My son has been so happy and has become so well rounded and happy. But you see bio father doesn’t want to give up control he doesn’t have. He would rather pay child support and stay way yet still think he controls something.
My personal opinion is, so many things have changed over the years because to many have abused the system which in turn have made it so much harder for both the children and the mothers or in some cases the fathers who are raising the children who should be protected from the abusive/crazy parent. To many have used the judicial system to get an Order of Protection when it was not needed but just to use it as a game to play to just get even or piss someone off. To many cry wolf and their are so many who are to afraid to Protect themselves. I unfortunately knew a few woman who thought better to use it for games purpose only as the child was more a pawn then anything else. I on the other hand never went against my Order of Protection because my children and my life were more important!
I’m a single dad with full custody and I can relate. My ex couldn’t stay out of rehab and that’s what finally did her in. Before I had incontrovertible proof, I had to send our son repeatedly to her house on the other side of our small town. I knew my ex was still ringing around the rosie with her old cronies. I meditated about our son, surrounding him in my mind with white light. Now, my ex is clean (so she claims) and her visitation rights have been restored. I still get a trashy vibe from her, like her moral compass is off center. For my peace of mind, I salute what is positive about her, I’ve set boundaries, and I’ve told my son he can be honest with me about how mommy treats him when Daddy’s not around. So far, so good.
I am struggling with even knowing how to leave the bad marriage when I know that with shared custody, I am going to be a wreck every time I have to drop my 5 and 2 year old off. As it is now, I do most of everything with my kids. There are a few hours of the week where my husband takes them to do “super” dad stuff. But he has never had them for more than 4 hours alone EVER. So my issue is that I am too afraid to even leave this bad relationship because I know that when I do, there will be days that I won’t see my kids and not know if they are being taken care of properly. How did all of you rip the bandaid off and walk away knowing that shared custody would bring about many unanswered questions about your kid(s) care? I wish I was strong enough. Thank you for giving me the strength and sharing!
Many cases of custody I’ve witnessed have ended in a similar way to yours. In some cases it was a calculated, deliberate smearing of the image of the other party until there was so much “evidence” against that person that she lost custody of her children to the father! I’m not suggesting that this father’s behavior should be followed, but certainly don’t be naive and think that something like this can never happen to you. From what I’ve seen, anyone determined enough for the sake of their child’s safety, can conjure up enough evidence (with a lawyer’s help, of course) to gain full custody. I see this kind of situation play out at least once every year, and it’s the ugliest of ugly you can get. Unfortunately in the example I gave above, the father , in my opinion, was the dangerous and abusive one.
The ones that suffer the most are the kids. It’s important to not let the differences of opinion get in the way of the most important thing which is the wefare of the kids.
This would be hard job to be single parent. To make it success my friend prove it, she just need to open communication with the child. And make them a friends, they laugh together and share their dream together also when one of them got sick they keep support each other. Become single Mom or Dad wouldn’t be so bad. You can do it.
I understand your problem. I think it should take time to solve it. I have few friends also facing this problem. The important thing is let the ex-father know what is your thinking and the problem. But it’s not easy.
It’s really hard especially for a mom to send his boy at such a place where she thinks he would not be treated carefully. I really hate such scenarios. I wish they only exist in dreams. I think you should contact your lawyer and share all the details. Figure out a moderate way to come out of this situation because this can’t keep going on for long.
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Be grateful that you still have your child it is not your fault its the system that is at fault, thank you for sharing your story.. all the best
If this guy was such a bum, why’d you have a kid with him in the first place? What were you doing with this guy? Most fathers I know, in fact EVERY father I know who is the non custodial parent does an extremely good job. Yet no matter how much they do, how good they are they they are uniformly denigrated and scorned and picked at by some aggrieved ex wife/partner. Reality glasses . . . ON!
I have had this asked to me, but I don’t feel completely stupid and blind because my ex had my family and even a lot of his friends fooled too. I don’t think any of us married jerks intentionally. Unless they are already dads it is hard to know what kind of a parent they will be. It is a fair question that you ask and I haven’t always been the best judge of character, but just from my experience, my ex changed and was not honest about a lot of things that I would later learn. I think that sometimes we don’t take enough time to get to know someone and we should.
As a single dad (my partner walked out on me and 1year old) with no reason it has been a tough road. I now thank her every day that she did that because she is the looser not us (we have now been on our own 4years and Im loving it)
I know it’s hard to adjust but for the sake of the child, everything is worth a try.
This a touchy subject for me as well! Knowing that we are required to allow our children to spend time with the ex is often times hard for me, because I’m constantly wondering if they’re being fed, treated properly, who’s home are they in, etc, etc, etc. The disappointment is when your bad thoughts were correct and when you try to have a decent mature conversation about it, it turns into an argument. I just stay in prayer for the safe return of my children and document everything!
It is such a hard situation. I stayed in a very unstable and unhealthy marriage for longer than I wanted to because I feared my kids going with their dad. He has issues and his kids were afraid of him and being alone with him. It is such a dilemma because you have to fight the courts as well as your ex. I waited until I knew they would have a say or at least be able to speak up for themselves. It wasn’t easy, but it was the only way I felt in control. Something has to be done in our court systems. After the divorce, my ex got a DUI and two battery charges and they court still worried about HIS rights. It is ridiculous. The system is so worried about protecting a bad parent’s rights that the kids have none. Completely backwards.