How do you let go? On shared custody.

by mssinglemama on February 20, 2013

One of the most challenging aspects of single motherhood, or single parenthood, is adjusting to shared custody.

In many cases, as mine was until recently, you are legally obligated to send your child into your ex-spouse’s home regardless of whether or not your gut instinct is screaming at you that something is just “not right” about a step-sibling in the house or a step-parent or even their biological parent. You, in most cases, have to pack your child’s bag, put him into his or her little car seat and drive them directly into the Lion’s Den. Your child comes home, an emotional wreck. In Benjamin’s case, filthy, hungry and exhausted to boot.

Now, I am a bit jaded–from my own personal ex-experience being so downright awful–but there are obviously many situations that aren’t nearly as bad.  There are dreamy ex-spouses who actually communicate with you for the children’s sake, drop them off on time and pick them up on time. Feed them, clothe them, support them and continue to be a supportive co-parent by always putting the children first. I have yet to meet one of these, but I hear they exist.

So, what do you do when you have no options legally? In my case, it took something actually happening to Benjamin for us to be able to receive full custody with zero unsupervised visits at his father’s home. I can’t get into details, but it has been a harrowing ordeal, to say the least. All of those years my gut instinct was right. I regret ever sending him there. I regret not acting like a mad woman and hiring a fierce attorney to keep him from ever spending the night there. But, I can’t go back in time, only forward… and am relieved that it is over in a sense. No more sharing for this mama.

What advice do you have for each other on surviving the ex hand over? Any coping mechanisms you have learned that you can share with new single moms? Or do you just want to vent.

Do so in the comments. Can’t wait to read your thoughts on this.

Related posts:

  1. Shared custody…shared toys?
  2. Single Mom S.O.S.: Her ex wants full custody!
  3. Obama Calls Out Dead Beat Dads

{ 65 comments… read them below or add one }

Onzsmama February 22, 2013 at 9:32 am

From what I’ve been told by members of my single parent group, attorneys, and police, it is virtually impossible to end unsupervised visitation until something bad has actually happened to the child :( . Even in cases of known drunk driving with the child in the car….the court will do nothing until the child has actually been harmed :( .

Reply

Meghan October 23, 2013 at 2:15 pm

I am soooo scared this will happen, Onzmama. My ex is an alcoholic, had a DUI, has driven my son and I after drinking, been to a detox program and ‘meetings’ – he has supervised visitation, for now, but by our next court hearing it will probably become unsupervised and I am scared to death for the sake of my son because I know I am putting him into an unsafe situation and I can’t do anything about it :(

Reply

Annie February 22, 2013 at 9:38 am

It’s really, really difficult, especially when you are the one who has to “clean up the mess” when your child returns. My son has autism, so coming back after being at his dad’s is often a long transition process, sometimes taking months to get back to our normal routines. You just have to get to a place where you understand deep down that you cannot waste too much emotional energy on something over which you have no control. At the same time, do everything in your power to minimize the negative effects of time spent there.

Reply

Sierra February 22, 2013 at 9:44 am

I struggle with this every day. I once got so far as to have DCF and the Dept of Health involved, but then it all just fell apart on me. No charges, nothing changed, and my ex got to gloat in addition to his regular nastiness.
Now I am facing Contempt charges, but the court has appointed my children their OWN attorney, AND a guardian ad litem. Thank GOD!!! Finally someone is on my KIDS’ side!!! Even with charges pending, I have never been so excited for court….
My advice? Never stop TRYING. Never give up-Never back down. No matter what the outcome.

Reply

TarynB February 22, 2013 at 9:58 am

First off, I am so sorry you and your son had to go through that experience. I’m so glad you have full custody now and Benjamin is safe.

I’m not sure what advice I can offer. My divorce came about for a number of reasons, one of which was his cheating. But we have two small kids (4 1/2 and 18mo.) It is because of them that I was able to put aside my anger and bitterness and try to have a “working” relationship with their dad. And now, as much as it sucks to not be able to see them or hug them every single day… they are getting two parents in two homes who love the hell out of them and who are better people for not being together. My ex and I are now at the point where we talk on the phone a number of times a week, we work with each other for holidays and birthdays and odd things that come up like weddings and funerals and other occasions. We facetime at least once a week so the kids can see/talk to the other parent. We are definitely better friends and parents now that we are no longer married. We are both also in new relationships, with people who respect our past together and love our kids as well. We have met each other’s bf/gf; i have even eaten dinner alone with his gf (NOT someone he cheated on me with, thankfully. That girl still deserves my fist in her face.) But all in all, our situation works. Do we still deal with our kids and their meltdowns? Sure! I hear a tantrum of “I want my daddy!!” at least once a week. But they are less and less as time goes on. Do i still have the urge to smack my ex upside the head when he does or says something stupid? Definitely!! I don’t want anyone to think it’s all rainbows and sunshine. I went through over 2 years of hell, including finding out my ex was cheating on me the entire time I was pregnant with our second child. I was depressed and an emotional wreck; I went to plenty of therapy sessions and had a great group of friends and family who helped support me through my divorce. But as I’ve come out, still alive, on the other side, it’s very important to me for my kids to see me in the loving relationship I’m in with my boyfriend, and to also see me in a “normal” relationship with their daddy.

Reply

Over Forty Divorced Singles October 8, 2013 at 1:37 am

It’s great that you and your ex have managed to get to a point where you have a working relationship and can talk. It’s even better that you are both happier. It’s always tough – but you should be proud that you managed so much! x x x

Reply

kash dymé December 16, 2013 at 3:36 am

Reading all these women who are just self centered to the core each and every one of them was leaving me bleak. But here you come along, dealt with a situation that should of left you in the same bitter selfish boat as the rest, but you have the love and committment to your children to come out a winner in the end. Good luck to you !

Reply

BK February 22, 2013 at 10:15 am

I had this nagging feeling about sending my daughter with my ex for an entire year we were separated while the divorce was in process. Less than a month after the divorce was finalized, he left the country and we haven’t heard from him since. No phone call, email, birthday card, or child support etc. It has been 18 months and I believe he will never return. Good riddance, I say.

Reply

Ashley Mansour February 22, 2013 at 10:16 am

Wow its crazy how things work out. I seriosuly just started blogging yesterday! I was looking for blogs on google that were like mine about being a single mom ! Still trying to figure everything out. Anyways yours was the first one I came across, and what do you know this topic that ive been thinking about all morning you’re writing about. My son is 5 months old and the father and I never really knew eachother.. we had paterninty test done and they just came back the beginning of Feb. Hes been an excellent dad so far and agreeing with me on everything. Its almost to good to be true. I dont see us getting together although we get along so well.

Anyways alls I have thought about this morning was whats going to happen when Rich (father) starts dating women and brings my son around them. Its something im not emotionaly ready for or will not be ready for till my son is older…

I had a lot more to say but my head is all over the place today but I am not following you and will be keeping up with your post!

Glad to find someone going through something a little similar.

Reply

Amy February 22, 2013 at 10:53 am

I hate to complain in comparison, but the opposite is difficult too: the vacation, do-nothing-wrong, let-me-stay-up-late, ice-cream-for-breakfast, whatever-the-kid-wants kind of Dad. That’s another big transition every time my daughter comes home and adjusts to reality and structure. Never mind how jealous her step siblings are and the fighting that results.
Now my ex (who lives out of state) shows up for every possible holiday and disrupts our new blended family’s plans. I’m glad he’s maintained a relationship with his daughter, but every time he shows up, she’s all about him and I feel like I miss out on special occasions with her.
I guess the perfect balance is very rare and special.

Reply

Alex March 19, 2013 at 8:08 am

Hi Amy, I think I am in a similar situation to you! I get so frustrated with my child’s father- it is all holiday time for him and he has no understanding of her need for routines or stability. He sees her once a week, on a Sunday, and I have to pack her bag, drop her off, etc- she often comes back hungry and exhausted, with a bag full of dirty laundry for me to wash, and then spends the rest of the week trying to re-adjust. I’m so over it!! He’s never had to sit up all night with her when she’s sick, almost never had to deal with tantrums or difficult behaviour. He’s re-partnered, because of course he has ample free time. Sigh!!

Reply

M February 22, 2013 at 11:04 am

It was the same for me. For 1 year I tried to cooperate. I gave my ex the benefit of the doubt. I’d see things, smell things, and confront him about it, but he’d always have some story that made me doubt my gut. He was as horrible a husband as they come, but I was in denial about his deficiencies as a parent. Then he drove drunk with our child and got a DUI. That DUI snapped me awake. I got a lawyer. Even then we had unsupervised visits, but at least i had temporary sole custody. In time we were able to get supervised visits, but it has been a long hard and EXPENSIVE road.

Advice for mamas:

1) Get a great lawyer, but shop around. Get someone who’s done this before A LOT, but also try to find one with decent rates. You’ll be a rush, desperate for support, but who you choose will paid to know your case, changing lawyers will mean paying for double for time to familiarize your lawyer with what’s going on. My lawyer is good, but she’s $400/hr. It’s too late to switch now, but I wish I’d shopped around more. The cost of this is a serious thing to consider, and plan for. If your spouse is unfit and has assets or income, the judge will likely award you legal fees, because it’s in the interest of the child.

2) Prepare for a long-haul. I’ve been at it for 1.5 years. Still litigating.

3) This type of case, requires you to think strategically. To be consistent and to always remember what any of your actions will look like on paper in the courtroom. The other side will be trying to trick you into making mistakes. EG: they’ll plead “it’s christmas, can’t the family supervise for just this special day?” Your lawyer will say “it’s up to you, but i think you should allow it, because you don’t want the judge to think you’re being punitive or nasty.” then in court, your spouse’s lawyer will use your one time allowance to argue for why “the family should be allowed to supervise.”

4) There will be times you second guess yourself. You’ll feel guilty or like you’re tearing your child away from their father. But you need to remember this, when it comes to safety “if there is ANY doubt, there is NO Doubt about protecting your child.”

5) REMEMBER TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. My therapist and sage oft says: “it’s like being on an airplane. In the instruction manual they tell you that when the oxygen masks drop, you have to put one over yourself first. Then your child. It’s very wise. If you don’t take care of yourself, who will be there to take care of your little one?”

With love to you all.

Reply

Meg October 19, 2013 at 12:12 am

Thank you so much for your advice! I am going through a divorce right now and am PRAYING for supervised visitations if not full custody. He has already kidnapped my baby when she was 3 weeks old and hid her at his girlfriends house. The next day, a protective order and divorce was filed. She came back sick, hungry, dirty, and inconsolable. It is 1 1/2 months later and he still hasn’t tried to get his information turned in for the divorce… It’s frustrating the heck out of me! I do not want him to be able to hurt my baby again!!

Reply

Kristine February 22, 2013 at 11:55 am

It took a few years, but we finally went to a mediator and had a non-legally binding parenting plan written up. When son’s father starts to stray from the plan I have to remind him of it, and threaten to make him return to re-write it. Luckily he usually has enough sense to acknowledge that I have way more sense than he does and will not push too far.

Reply

Jennie H April 9, 2013 at 1:11 pm

Kristine, your parenting plan sounds like a great idea. I’m just worried it would lead to more arguments especially when the divorce is a few years back. Or if he would even agree to the idea at this point.

Reply

Cindy May 30, 2013 at 5:26 pm

I would love to go this route.Mediation, parenting plan –everything ambicable. I’m still so stuck in fear of ruining my child that I am just idle at the moment! But reading this gives me hope.

Reply

Jennifer July 7, 2013 at 11:29 pm

My ex and I “re-write” our parenting plan once a year. It sounds like a lot of work, but it’s really worked well for us. We have our legal plan from our divorce, but that plan doesn’t take into account changes that we have to deal with in real life–where we each live, the ages/abilities of our kids. So each year we review what worked or didn’t work over the last year. I type up our agreement for the next year and then we both sign and date it. My lawyer says I then have a document to submit as evidence if problems arise later. This allows me to tailor our plan to be in the children’s best interests at that point in their life. I include our general weekly schedule and our holiday schedule for the next year. Then when he’s being an ass, I just remind him that he signed in agreement to this plan and if he wants it changed we can discuss it for next year. That allows me to legitimately put him off until he’s calmed down about not getting his way so that he’ll listen to me when we do discuss what he wants to do differently. Not a perfect plan but it’s working pretty well for my girls and I.

Reply

Laura February 22, 2013 at 1:06 pm

Going through something similar at the moment. We are in California and laws here about terminating, or even limiting parental rights are very difficult to turn in your favor. We have been divorced and doing the child visitation thing for over 6 years, and now that my kids are 13 and 9 they are voicing strong opinions and requests about spending less time with dad. He is emotionally and psychologically abusive, and the only reason he is not physically abusive is because I am certain he fears that I will bring the law down on him so hard, he won’t know what hit him. He berates the children about their grades and academic accomplishments, even though both kids are on the honor roll at Highly gifted schools. Calls to tell me I’m a bad mother, etc. So I’ve had it, and hired an attorney, and my hope is that we will get a reduction in visitation to once a month with no overnight stays. I’m also fortunate to work with my own therapist, and also a fantastic one for both kids who has helped them tremendously on this very difficult and emotional journey. Wish us luck.

Reply

Lea February 22, 2013 at 1:07 pm

So I am a year into separation with my ex. I left him because he was about as bad a husband as there was. All I have heard from the system is “just because he was a bad husband, doesn’t mean he is a bad father”. You can’t separate it in my opinion. A good father has respect for the mother of his child, and treats her with dignity no matter what. In any case, we have a 50/50 arrangement with our son at the moment, despite my fighting with tooth and nail. I am in that unfortunate situation of waiting for him to screw up so I can take him back to court.
Handing off my child to him is the hardest thing in the world, and I have had a lot of therapy to deal with it. But I know I need to take care of myself too, I have to have a life outside of this situation, and time to myself does enable that to happen. My therapist gave me a really good analogy to think about. She says to think of my son as a part-time employee in 2 very different companies. I control only my company, I set the rules and expectations of that company. I can do absolutely nothing about what happens in the other company, so don’t bother. I say alot “well I don’t know about what goes on in your dad’s house, but in mom’s house these are the rules”. And my son, who is only 4, had adapted. He knows there are different expectations in my house and that he can’t get away with the guilt trip about what goes on at his dad’s. It has also helped me to communicate with his dad in a business like way, try to take the emotion out of it. You have to find a way to communicate, so I try to be polite and just stick to the facts.
I don’t think any mother signed up to be a part time parent, and it certainly isn’t easy. We will never stop worrying about our kids. Just do your best and always try to remember to take care of yourself.

Reply

Lizzie April 13, 2013 at 7:47 pm

I am currently dealing with custody issues with a father who has been pretty much absent since my 2nd trimester. He has a friend that then became his girlfriend who harassed me about abortion and paternity and then 2 wks after my childs birth said she WILL be a part of my child’s life. The father has other children and has told me he couldnt take care of them on his own so thats where his girlfriend fills in. And im supposed to send a defenseless baby there?! I have watched push our daughter roughly, not out of malice for her, but while cussing me out. I spoke to a lawyer who gave me the ‘give him a chance to be a good dad speech’ and was disgusted. And this is a really good lawyer!! Fortunately, the father is a royal idiot in other areas that have complicated this situation even further so i havent had to hand her over… Yet. I dread the day. He still sees her infrequently but i don’t make him pay. I was just disgusted with let him be a dad spiel. It made me sick and killed my spirit in a situation that has already drained me.

Reply

Nichole February 22, 2013 at 10:20 pm

To Amy,
I agree. I send my son off to “Disney” dad two nights a week, which most people think is great, but its hard because he literally buys him something fun every week, let’s him stay home from school etc etc. The attitude that me and his future step father get is unbelievable and it takes about two days to get him straight and then I have to send him back. It’s a mess. I had tried for full custody since his dad had a known drug
And alcohol problem but so far he’s cleaned up, but it would have been easier if we didn’t have shared custody. At my house, there are rules and chores and few new toys and video games just because. And my son thinks I’m the bad guy :(

Reply

frank jones February 25, 2013 at 10:17 pm

I love your blog! So many great articles… I thought you might like to know that Dentist.net is offering 10% off their products with the code ORALCARE :)

Reply

Lynn December 15, 2013 at 8:39 pm

Whatever you’ve endured by your upbringing have obviously scarred you. Taking that you’ll never date or marry a single mom with such an opinion simply makes you ignorant. 40% of children without fathers? Is that based on or out of wedlock? But you are very much so entitled to your opinions. I wish you well in your life and whatever you desire. When you bring life into this world, you will be able to comphrend that when things become beyond your control, help is what you’ll be seeking.

Reply

Molly March 4, 2013 at 11:20 am

I have this: drop them off on time and pick them up on time (for the most part). Feed them, clothe them, support them. However he doesn’t communicate with me at all. He stays in the car while he has his new girlfriend of over a year pass my daughter off to me along with any other comments, questions, etc.. I sent him an email about how I felt how things were going. She got out of the car, passed my daughter off to me and began discussing his thoughts/and hers on the email I sent HIM. That wasn’t meant for her eyes, but whatever… The last 2 years he has not attended her birthday parties, but his brother, mother and god father did. All whom are close to him. So they showed up, but her own dad didn’t.

I am grateful that he continues to show up in other ways for her, but he doesn’t always “exactly” put her first due to his actions, anger and resentments towards me? A lot of immaturity on his part. I have learned to not let it take my joy away, to keep calm and carry on, and to set boundaries and not give into his every whim. However, I have learned when I don’t give in to his whims, I get the wrath. Similar to a child having a tantrum, because they are not getting their way.

I love my daughter very much and hope that in the future (maybe not near) that this could get better. I can only be hopeful. My daughter asked me the other night, why daddy doesn’t get out of the car when I drop her and pick her up. Mind you she is 4 years old. Kids are smart…. I explained and told her because he doesn’t get out, doesn’t make us lover her any less. Daddy just has some things to work on. Kids get it! Ahh… Keep on keeping on!

Reply

Crystal March 4, 2013 at 10:30 pm

That sucks that something had to happen for you to get somewhere with your situation. My situation isn’t as bad so I’ve learned to control the relationship. My ex is a good dad, when he is there. I feel like he only comes around when I specifically say things like ‘can (your son) spend some time with you this weekend?’ We do not have a custody agreement and so far it’s working out for us. I did go to court for child support because when we tried to work that out ourselves it was a disaster.

Reply

Karey March 11, 2013 at 1:03 am

Thank you for sharing. You are NOT alone. Thank you for showing me that i’m not either. Your strength and courage is inspiring..

Reply

Johnsy March 12, 2013 at 11:17 pm

I had to go through it twice with my son’s. With my first son it took the father threatining to harm me and my unborn child and him threatining to come take my oldest son away from me. He went to the police in Chicago and said I kidnapped my oldest son. The police referred the case to a juvenile officer who called me and as we spoke he discover that not only had my ex and I been ex for a bunch of years but that there were over 25 abuse calls to the police over the years we were together on my ex and how I feared for my life as well as my son and unborn child. I was not the only one who called the police when we were together. I was not living in Chicago at the time. I got an Emergency Order of Protection and then received a 2 year. It helped when I needed it the most. I had my baby boy and never went against the Order.

When my little guy was born his bio father was another winner, long story short, like you I hated having to send my son up to that hosue. He would never give my son his medicine when he was sick and would not even spend a dime to buy a car seat or a toddler seat and expected me to always comply because he had “fathers rights.” It finally came to a head one Fourth of July when he bit my son who was 11 yrs old then on his arm and then blamed my son. Now if you try to bite where he was bitten things became fishy. I called the police, we went to court my son was appointed an attorney ad litem. When it was all said and done the attorney ad litem recommend that the bio father give up his rights and that my husband be allowed to adopt my son. My husband has been in my sons life since he was 3 and he will tell you that is his dad and his bio father is his step dad even though he knows the truth. It’s now been 5 years since then and not only did the bio father not give up his rights but he has not seen my son either and we are so greatful. My son has been so happy and has become so well rounded and happy. But you see bio father doesn’t want to give up control he doesn’t have. He would rather pay child support and stay way yet still think he controls something.

My personal opinion is, so many things have changed over the years because to many have abused the system which in turn have made it so much harder for both the children and the mothers or in some cases the fathers who are raising the children who should be protected from the abusive/crazy parent. To many have used the judicial system to get an Order of Protection when it was not needed but just to use it as a game to play to just get even or piss someone off. To many cry wolf and their are so many who are to afraid to Protect themselves. I unfortunately knew a few woman who thought better to use it for games purpose only as the child was more a pawn then anything else. I on the other hand never went against my Order of Protection because my children and my life were more important!

Reply

kash dymé December 16, 2013 at 4:01 am

You are a sick sick horribly freightening woman. You need to rethink your life.

Reply

Jackson March 17, 2013 at 10:05 am

I’m a single dad with full custody and I can relate. My ex couldn’t stay out of rehab and that’s what finally did her in. Before I had incontrovertible proof, I had to send our son repeatedly to her house on the other side of our small town. I knew my ex was still ringing around the rosie with her old cronies. I meditated about our son, surrounding him in my mind with white light. Now, my ex is clean (so she claims) and her visitation rights have been restored. I still get a trashy vibe from her, like her moral compass is off center. For my peace of mind, I salute what is positive about her, I’ve set boundaries, and I’ve told my son he can be honest with me about how mommy treats him when Daddy’s not around. So far, so good.

Reply

Ally March 21, 2013 at 12:13 am

I am struggling with even knowing how to leave the bad marriage when I know that with shared custody, I am going to be a wreck every time I have to drop my 5 and 2 year old off. As it is now, I do most of everything with my kids. There are a few hours of the week where my husband takes them to do “super” dad stuff. But he has never had them for more than 4 hours alone EVER. So my issue is that I am too afraid to even leave this bad relationship because I know that when I do, there will be days that I won’t see my kids and not know if they are being taken care of properly. How did all of you rip the bandaid off and walk away knowing that shared custody would bring about many unanswered questions about your kid(s) care? I wish I was strong enough. Thank you for giving me the strength and sharing!

Reply

Cherry March 21, 2013 at 6:21 pm

Many cases of custody I’ve witnessed have ended in a similar way to yours. In some cases it was a calculated, deliberate smearing of the image of the other party until there was so much “evidence” against that person that she lost custody of her children to the father! I’m not suggesting that this father’s behavior should be followed, but certainly don’t be naive and think that something like this can never happen to you. From what I’ve seen, anyone determined enough for the sake of their child’s safety, can conjure up enough evidence (with a lawyer’s help, of course) to gain full custody. I see this kind of situation play out at least once every year, and it’s the ugliest of ugly you can get. Unfortunately in the example I gave above, the father , in my opinion, was the dangerous and abusive one.

Reply

Michael Spenceley March 25, 2013 at 4:09 am

The ones that suffer the most are the kids. It’s important to not let the differences of opinion get in the way of the most important thing which is the wefare of the kids.

Reply

Yamato March 28, 2013 at 5:16 am

This would be hard job to be single parent. To make it success my friend prove it, she just need to open communication with the child. And make them a friends, they laugh together and share their dream together also when one of them got sick they keep support each other. Become single Mom or Dad wouldn’t be so bad. You can do it.

Reply

Jacky April 1, 2013 at 9:47 pm

I understand your problem. I think it should take time to solve it. I have few friends also facing this problem. The important thing is let the ex-father know what is your thinking and the problem. But it’s not easy.

Reply

Vicky April 2, 2013 at 8:06 am

It’s really hard especially for a mom to send his boy at such a place where she thinks he would not be treated carefully. I really hate such scenarios. I wish they only exist in dreams. I think you should contact your lawyer and share all the details. Figure out a moderate way to come out of this situation because this can’t keep going on for long.

Reply

Tilly April 3, 2013 at 2:50 pm

Thanks Frank for the information on dentist.com with a discount!

Reply

Paddy April 13, 2013 at 1:44 am

Be grateful that you still have your child it is not your fault its the system that is at fault, thank you for sharing your story.. all the best

Reply

joe April 18, 2013 at 9:40 pm

If this guy was such a bum, why’d you have a kid with him in the first place? What were you doing with this guy? Most fathers I know, in fact EVERY father I know who is the non custodial parent does an extremely good job. Yet no matter how much they do, how good they are they they are uniformly denigrated and scorned and picked at by some aggrieved ex wife/partner. Reality glasses . . . ON!

Reply

April June 11, 2013 at 12:04 am

I have had this asked to me, but I don’t feel completely stupid and blind because my ex had my family and even a lot of his friends fooled too. I don’t think any of us married jerks intentionally. Unless they are already dads it is hard to know what kind of a parent they will be. It is a fair question that you ask and I haven’t always been the best judge of character, but just from my experience, my ex changed and was not honest about a lot of things that I would later learn. I think that sometimes we don’t take enough time to get to know someone and we should.

Reply

Gari May 4, 2013 at 7:47 am

As a single dad (my partner walked out on me and 1year old) with no reason it has been a tough road. I now thank her every day that she did that because she is the looser not us (we have now been on our own 4years and Im loving it)

Reply

Suzanne May 29, 2013 at 1:43 am

I know it’s hard to adjust but for the sake of the child, everything is worth a try.

Reply

Edquina June 9, 2013 at 9:58 pm

This a touchy subject for me as well! Knowing that we are required to allow our children to spend time with the ex is often times hard for me, because I’m constantly wondering if they’re being fed, treated properly, who’s home are they in, etc, etc, etc. The disappointment is when your bad thoughts were correct and when you try to have a decent mature conversation about it, it turns into an argument. I just stay in prayer for the safe return of my children and document everything!

Reply

April June 10, 2013 at 11:53 pm

It is such a hard situation. I stayed in a very unstable and unhealthy marriage for longer than I wanted to because I feared my kids going with their dad. He has issues and his kids were afraid of him and being alone with him. It is such a dilemma because you have to fight the courts as well as your ex. I waited until I knew they would have a say or at least be able to speak up for themselves. It wasn’t easy, but it was the only way I felt in control. Something has to be done in our court systems. After the divorce, my ex got a DUI and two battery charges and they court still worried about HIS rights. It is ridiculous. The system is so worried about protecting a bad parent’s rights that the kids have none. Completely backwards.

Reply

Katie July 10, 2013 at 1:23 am

This varies for me. I have 2 ex’s to deal with. The first one and I have 3 kids together and for the most part we get along and can hold a conversation, his family and my family get along well. The second one is a real pain in my side. We share a daughter who is two years old. We only communicate via email, limited text, and call only if necessary (ie, emergency). He tried to have his girlfriend (who tells my kid she is mommy too) mediate. This only made things worse. We do not talk at pick up or drop off unless there details that had not been previously discussed. Half of the time when my daughter comes home they have re-taught her that her last name is different than her legal one that she knows (my maiden name). It’s just frustrating. My daughter is still so young and I’m trying to keep him from having a negative image with her, but if we even drive to the drop off/pick up location she freaks out and says NOT GOING TO DADDYS! You tell me how that would make you feel? BUT the state says I have to let him see her, so I try to keep a smile and tell her I’ll see her in a few day…….

Reply

Jonathan (OnlineDatingUniversity.org) July 10, 2013 at 9:12 am

Hi everyone.

This is a subject very close to my heart – it’s actually a really hard one to answer also. I know that I’d personally do my best to make sure that the relationship is the best it can be – surely that’s what everyone wants for the kids right?

It’s not easy – but I guess you have to try and remember at one point you did love one another…

Reply

MsPolkaDottie July 16, 2013 at 9:47 pm

So glad to read this. My daughter’s dad and I broke up a month ago, after he lied to me for 3 yrs (I found this out later). I am not comfortable sending her to his house for any amount of time. I don’t know where he lives now and I don’t know his girlfriend or her kids. The girlfriend even asked if she could be in her life, after I’ve had a month to process this! I’m not sending her anywhere until she can talk better. She’s only 1.

Reply

Aaron Richards July 22, 2013 at 7:34 am

Custody is one of those lovely grey areas where in an effort to be fair, the child or children’s best interests aren’t followed as closely as they ought to be, but rather the grown parents with the “rights” to push legally. And they do. It becomes convenient when it’s easy enough to spot, and your child states they don’t want to go back there, there are Guardian Ad Litems appointed by the court as well as the court having to listen to a child of a specific age as their own person finally. We can only hope that whatever Judge wakes up on whatever day a child’s future is in their hands, that they do the right thing, not the easy thing.

Reply

Ritty July 22, 2013 at 1:52 pm

Hi, I am a Nigerian and a proud single mom…..
Just stumbled on your blog and i love your posts. You now have another fan and follower.
xo xo xo

Reply

Lauren C August 4, 2013 at 5:40 pm

I’m currently 16 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband was extremely violent and abusive even went to jail for 30 days for strangling me twice when I was 2 months. I have left him. Want a divorce but can’t afford it. And he has not taken to texting and emailing me harassing me for ultrasound photos and insisting that he has rights as a father. I’m scared I won’t even make it to term from stress. About him getting any kind of custody of my baby. I can’t even enjoy being pregnant. Because I’m scared that this child will be subjected to the violence I was.

Reply

Single Mums UK October 7, 2013 at 11:20 am

So sorry to hear all these stories – being a mom should be a fun, happy part of life. Sure there are dark times – but you have to hang on to that little one like there’s no tomorrow.

Reply

Ray October 11, 2013 at 11:44 am

Always always a sad topic. I suggest mediation because communication is the key. Gotta remember that at the end it’s all about the kids. I read all the replies and feel extremely sad. I can only wish you all the best.

Reply

Marie October 15, 2013 at 1:07 am

Such a common source of sorrow for all of us, yet people outside our situations have no clue. I’m sooo tired of “you must get a lot done when they’re at dad’s.” Ummm…no, I am on the couch, reading online, trying to sleep, getting nothing done and miserable most of the time. Aren’t I lucky? Not so much.

Sadly, the system does nothing to protect these kids under the pretense of being fair to the other parent. I had to file for a protection order against one of the ex’s friends because the ex wouldn’t protect, yet the judges didn’t care at all that ex risks our kids. The court agreed my children should never be exposed to this person ex knows, yet not one person in authority told ex, “that was foolish. You put your young children in danger and knew you were.” In fact, a court social worker sent ex a letter saying the contact didn’t violate the divorce decree. That’s what I got when I filed a complaint about contact with a convicted pedophile.

Who does that with a child’s safety? I blew fits (strong willed mom not hysterical mom) all over the court house until I got my order. And I renew every spring. This year, the clerk said the judge may want a hearing next year. Really? Beware. Momma doesn’t mess.

Sorry, safety rant. Makes me physically ill sometimes when they leave. Other times, I do okay. I’m never all “getting things done” and partying. Have yet to figure out how to cope, tbh.

Reply

Michael November 1, 2013 at 1:09 am

@ All single moms

Isn’t your “gut instinct” what got you into this situation to begin with? You turned down the nice responsible yet boring guy for the situation your in now. Women have been able to use the system to blow up their families at will. In 1955 1 in 20 women were single mothers. Women are able to remove their father from their children’s life at will and self rationalize (the entire purpose of this blog and others) any decision. I’m highly surprised Miss Single Mama was able to reel in a Beta Male to marry. Although the photos taken suggest he has a low income. Congratulations. Feminism won and “women’s rights” have trumped those of men. And now men are now refusing to get married.

I am 35 years old. I live directly on the beach in Los Angeles. One of the most expensive enclaves in the country. I’m self employed and my practice generates an income of over $174,000.00 yr after taxes. I would make an excellent father. Creating a family was the primary reason I went to college and law school. But women didn’t want that. They wanted to party and have sex and date bad boys. As a result of this and the way our laws are I will never get married and certainly not to a single mother.

Children deserve a father. All facts show that single motherhood is detrimental to society. Women have been given the option to blow up there families AT WILL or to become impregnated by the bad boy Alpha male and use the state to force him to pay etc. Men are being destroyed in divorce and family court. Losing more than 50% of your assets is common. Alimony is common. 90% of custody is awarded to women. Child support enslaves men.

How can you expect men to see you as good women after the poor choices you have made? Putting your happiness above that of your children then self rationalizing that what is good for you is ultimately good for them.

This website is an affront. It’s been a long time coming but men are waking up. There will be truth reimposed. You cannot blow up your families constantly to emotions and your specifics. There is a serious crises in this country. Over 40% of children are without fathers and (quality) men are now refusing to marry.

Reply

Lorna December 5, 2013 at 3:48 pm

Michael. I am assuming you consider yourself to be one of these ‘quality’ men. Perhaps there is a reason you’re still single at 35 that’s not related to the fact that you were ‘unfairly’ passed over by women in preference for these ‘bad’ boys they so desired. Maybe that reason is that you’re a mean-hearted, self righteous, self-appointed aristocrat? It’s incredibly relieving to hear that not only will you never subject a childless woman to the horror of marrying you but you especially won’t subject a woman with a child to it. That’s a win for all American women and children! Maybe you’d be best ranting about subjects you have some experience with rather than interjecting on a blog that covers the life of someone that your narrow minded scorned little soul could never possibly hope to understand. Good luck with your journey, you’re going to need it more than any of us.

Reply

Kelly December 9, 2013 at 12:20 am

Michael. How in the hell can you go on and on like that about something you know NOTHING about? Thank God you will never marry or become a step father to a defenseless child because you are NOT man enough to be a father. Blaming a woman for the things her partner did wrong because she should have picked someone else?? SHAME ON YOU. How about these freaking “men” should put their big boy panties on and act like MEN! I did not choose to be a single mother. I was with a man for 3.5 years when I found out I was pregnant at the age of 24. I left my family, friends, etc to move with him and be near his family just so he could lose his freaking MIND once we got there. The verbal abuse, cheating, etc went on during my entire pregnancy and didn’t stop until he left me homeless and jobless with a 2 month old baby. The sad part? I BEGGED him, hysterically, to stay with me and work it out. And now I am the bad guy because I took my daughter and moved across the country to be with my family again. You’re DAMN RIGHT I left. HIS DECISIONS are what blew up our family. Not mine.

Just some advice… stop being bitter about all the women who were smart enough not to pick you.

Reply

kash dymé December 16, 2013 at 3:47 am

I’m a 35 year old single father who’s raised my daughter alone since she was 2 years old (she is 11 now). And every single word you speak is pretty much dead-on. These comments I read here are like reading the same single mother’s rationalization over and over and over about removing the father from the kids life. Safety, gut instinct, yadda yadda. Parenting styles being weighed against the other and these kangaroo courts actually going along with this garbage.

I have another daughter who is 6 and I have not seen in 3 years. Why? Well, just pick almost any comment above and read it. It’s the same old story. It actually is quite truly amazing how similar the same old story always is. I’m sure some of them must be true. You can actually tell the ones that are true because they don’t try to explain the abuse they handled and never bring up how they must keep the father away and victimizing themselves. This is the way most of these women come across. “Safety” and “gut instinct” and made up exagerating stories of being drunk or how “unsafe” someone may be because they drank a beer around a child or some stupid outrageous nonsense. THese kangaroo courts listen to this stuff like it has any bearing on anything.

The truth will come around Michael. It always does, for any group that takes advantage of another for their own self benefit. It’s just human nature for the good and truth to prevail in the end.

Reply

Jamie123 January 2, 2014 at 4:31 pm

Hey this really helped me get through my divorce and this really helps on how to look out for players! http://www.theartofaplayer.com

Reply

aniza January 3, 2014 at 7:38 am

This would be hard job to be single parent. To make it success my friend prove it, .

Reply

tulipo January 10, 2014 at 3:07 pm

I have heard your story over and over again by so many different individuals. A tragedy and yet how is it allowed to continue? In some ways our society has advanced beyond comprehension by putting men on the moon and satellites into space and yet it can not evolve past cruelty of children by correcting a wrong before it happens when apparent signs which social workers and people of power seen and heard time and time again.
I read many of the posts posted here and am heart broken that during my lifetime we as a people have not been able to solve this issue so as to not pass down this terrible generational curse and reap horrendous consequences.

Reply

beatrice chaser February 19, 2014 at 7:05 pm

HI

CHECK OUT THE AMAZING BUBBLE MAN

http://www.edgemarcenter.org/?page_id=252

Reply

Miller March 7, 2014 at 6:46 pm

My wife has accused me of a lot of things in our years of marriage some of those accusation were true and i admitted to doing them but am to much in love with her to give her an s.t.d. She was down to end our marriage cos she believed i gave an s.t.d. She had a good reason to believe that cos of late i haven’t been the best husband. Thank God that s@@t was clarified in the Trisha show that i was not responsible for the s.t.d. She was in love with me as i was in love with her. Yes i will admit to the fact that i f$$ked up so many times but we always got around our problem i don’t mean avoid it i mean we fixed our problem like real adults but my stepson always thought i was not good enough for his mother. We never really got along. I never hated him, but he just didn’t like me and i wasn’t gonna suck up to him.He just wanted me out of their life and our problem just made it possible for him to see that happen cos he also accused me of giving my wife, his mother s.t.d. I agreed to do the Trisha show thinking maybe it will help fix our marriage but it made it even worse. After the show she was more down to leave me. She asked that i move out of the house filed for a divorce and all. I thought she will come to her sense and see that though she had s.t.d i still wanted to be with her. I thought if i should give her time the anger and bitterness will die but it didn’t even after a whole month after everything.She had the divorce papers delivered to me. I could not let her go just like that.I got desperate and i started panicking so i used a spell to get her back i know most people don’t believe and you may call me crazy but it worked for me. I found a comment on the Internet about this spell caster Metodo Ell. The comment said he doesn’t do spell for those who are not meant to be together. I mean i believe with all my heart that she is the one thing i needed in my life and i also know she needs me too so i thought he could help me get her back.He agreed to help me cos he also said we are soul mate.All i needed for the spell were materials to get the spell done. I could not get them so i paid him to get them for me since he is the expert in this stuff.After three days, he sent me a substance with instructions on how to make the spell effective and i did as he directed but honestly it took seven days to work i guess good things don’t work like zap. As far as i can tell that s$$t worked cos all my marriage problem just fell off my shoulder AFTER THE SPELL WAS CAST.My wife didn’t go through with the divorce and stepson is cool with me now. If you want to get him to cast a spell for you contact him here with this email address metodoacamufortress@yahoo. com he could also do a direct spell maybe it meant cost a little more than mine i don’t know him only can tell you that..

Reply

Ashim March 8, 2014 at 2:54 pm

Fantastic thinking and your are always great in this…. http://mymaleheart.wordpress.com/

Reply

Michael March 15, 2014 at 9:52 am

Hi I know from some of the mothers I know and work with that this is so terrifying for them. The best words of advice I could offer is to keep clear records on how your child behaves before and after his or her time with the dad or other parent.
It’s important to be vigilant about your child’s needs but also to get the maximum support you can from family, friends etc who can help you through this ordeal.
Take heart from knowing that your child lives with you and that the greatest influence will be the one you offer your child 365 days a year or thereabouts.
Right now it feels like forever but time moves so fast and one day you will be able to look back with pride on the care you gave despite the real difficulties faced.

Reply

fisher March 26, 2014 at 6:30 am

Thanks for the inspirational article, it’s tough for single moms. But keep on fighting.

Reply

name me April 19, 2014 at 8:29 pm

My name is really not important here cos all i can say is that if you need a spell caster to help you with your problem then the best one is MUTTON OSUN. He is the only reliable spell caster i know.This is not just cos he helped me i mean if you are reading this comment on the internet, you will definitely see other comment about how he has saved relationship with his spell,helped people win lottery and i read one a man named Sandburg don’t know if its his real name said MUTTON OSUN help with a spell to secure a job and bring back wife who left him.I am composing this comment to pin the fact that MUTTON OSUN has also helped me.After six years of marriage it hard to really understand when your wife is see another man and asking for a divorce just so see can be with him.It so hard for me cos i thought we were doing fine.Maybe i was too blind that i didn’t know something was wrong with us or i wasn’t giving her the attention she needed.Which ever which way there was something that i knew,she was breaking my heart and i still loved her with my life.I know people may probably say it unlike a man but i lost my virginity to her and sine then there have been no other in my life but her.I gave up everything for her My family, and everything and everyone that wanted us not to be.I could not imagine how she could be so heartless and so unfaithful i mean i gave her my life!.I was ready to let her go i left our house and her new painter boyfriend moved in.They turned my private store room to his art studio and started sharing my bed with my wife.He was practically living my life for me cos everything i had in our house was converted to his.With every day that passed grew mad at the painter cos i was still in love with my wife she is the only family i have left and in my head i thought i just lost her to another man after all the sacrifice i have made to see us together.Before i even thought of spell casting i tried the memory lane method but she was not even willing to talk to me for more than a minute or even have a bit with me it was almost like she was allergic to me after five years of marriage.The thought of another man making love to my wife consumed me i lost focus and was totally confused on what to do.I remember drowning myself with bottles of vodka to kill the pain and try to forget her but i pass out and wake up thinking about her.Just when i thought i needed to get rid of of my cheating wife with the help on the internet, i came across a lot of comment on how MTTON OSUN has helped to get exes back so at that moment i was no longer thinking of how to get rid of her instead i was thinking and willing to do anything just to have my wife back.When i contacted the spell caster that is MUTTON OSUN with the email i saw on the comment he called me, after i made him understand my problem.He told me he was sad for me cos i left my whole world and family for her.He asked that i get some materials i can disclose but it nothing to worry about cos they are totally harmless.I felt it was gonna be hard to send them down to him so i gave him the money for the materials.After two days he sent me a package containing my spell.He instructed me on how to make it effective and i swear on my dead sister grave the spell made my wife mine again,Its was so supernatural how it happened i can’t just explain from how she left the painter and everything beats my imagination all i know is that MUTTON OSUN spell is was powerful enough to get me my wife back.Contact him here for solution to your own problem godsofosunx @ rocketmail. com

Reply

Leave a Comment