Which is worse? Single motherhood or an unhappy marriage?

by mssinglemama on December 9, 2012

This is a question I have attempted to address head on in several past posts. But now that I am blogging here less frequently and spending all of my blogging energy on Beauty and the Biker, I wanted to leave a post up for a while that would spark comments and hopefully a vibrant discussion.

So, please chime in with your opinion:

Which is worse?

Being unhappily married or being a single mother?

For you? And finally, for the kids?

My answer – as you all may know – is that it is far easier to be a single mother than to be unhappily married. But, everything is relative. I had an emotionally abusive ex-husband who contributed nothing into the relationship. I also only had one child. From where I was sitting, being away from him was the only viable option toward ever finding happiness. I just knew it would never work between us.

There have been studies which have found that children raised in happy homes are happier, regardless of if those homes are one parent or two parent households.

What about you? What are your thoughts on this?

Related posts:

  1. Single motherhood – turns out, not so easy, but not so tough either.
  2. Will our kids be worse off?
  3. Is marriage out of style?
  4. Need to save your marriage? Talk to Mort.
  5. The Married Single Mom

{ 91 comments… read them below or add one }

Christine S. December 10, 2012 at 12:59 pm

For me, it was very important for my son to see a healthy relationship between his father and I. Not one where we were arguing all the time. I think it was better to be a single Mom than to be in an unhappy marriage. Plus, I don’t think my being unhappy would make me a very good mother to my son either. Or his father a good Dad for that matter. What my son sees now, is two people who genuinely like and respect each other which I think is a good thing. I feel very fortunate that we get along so well; I don’t think that we would had we stayed married. Just my .02…

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cindy December 12, 2012 at 10:10 am

When you are in an unhappy marriage you constantly think, ‘i can’t go on like this. I can’t go through life walking on egg shells, trying to avoid the next argument.’ If there are addition problems & no help or treatment is saught. It makes it clear. That was my situation. I had no choice … it was clear. He was sick, was in denial and flat out asked the kids and i to leave. We did. And it’s been hard ever since. But, i’m glad i’m no longer with him. I’m glad his problems are no longer in my face making them mine and my kids problems.
Leaving a bad relationship is hard. You do get used to your life and try to accept it.
Single motherhood, while rewarding is stressful, overwhelming and all the decisions are yours. There is no adult home to converse with, there is no pillow talk at night, “how was your day?”. There is no hug or kiss, there is no ‘i love you’ from a partner. There is a LOT of emptiness and loneliness. And dating. Now you are dating for you AND your kids. He may be right for you, but not for your kids.
I know i’m scared and lonely. There is no easy path. There are no guarentees and there is no way of knowing what is the best choice. I guess you have to go with your gut. If you constantly hear that voice that just says, you aren’t happy this isn’t the best life you can live… then what choice do you have? You have to be healthy (emotionally) to raise healthy kids. At the end of the day, its about them. Thier well-being is paramount. I pray daily that one day i find someone that is just the right fit for us. I’m also praying that I become Ok with the possibility that I might be solo for the rest of my life.

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Malak December 23, 2012 at 5:42 am

Cindy,
i am almost in the same situation,i feel the same lonliness ,same sadness and same confusion,i still cant sleep night time,and cant eat regulary,we are separated since june,after all what he did to me ,i still sometimes miss him ,not because he deserve it but because he is the only man i knew and because all the dreams in my heart were with him,well i know ill have to adjust those dreams,i have a 8 months old baby,i am far from my family and traumatised,he lives already with a woman while i keep running the scenarios in my head and thinking maybe if i waited a little bit he could change …

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Paige December 29, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Malak, Thank you for sharing so honestly. I can really relate to some of what you shared. I’ve been divorced for almost two years. I have adjusted really well to my single life and am on a path to an amazing future, but it really takes a while to adjust the dreams and turn such a huge ship around to sail on a different course. I can see so purely now how how unhealthy my ex and I were as a couple. I don’t want to be married to him again but every once in a while I miss him deeply. I miss his sense of humor. I miss hearing him sing as he worked on a project. Sometimes I think I know exactly what he would say or how he would respond in a situation and it makes me smile. Its not like I just miss having a man around; I miss HIM. But there is also so much I don’t miss, so much that I am so very, very grateful is no longer in my life. As heart achingly painful as it was to go through I am thankful for the chance it brought to grow. I honestly can’t say its better or worse for my son or me to be divorced. I feel like I will never know if it would have been better for him to be in a family where his parents were trying to be married or if it is better for him to be in a family where his parents are divorced. All I know is that it is the way it is and I have a huge responsibility to my son and to myself to embrace it and do it well, which is where I keep my focus. I try not to treat our life as the backup plan to a failed attempt or the “consolation prize”. I try to treat it with as much pride and respect as the life I planned and created with my ex husband. I believe and KNOW your dreams will adjust. Keep being honest with yourself. It is totally ok to be in a place where things seem so contradictory, like missing the life you had with your husband but also not wanting it because it was unhealthy.

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Monica February 27, 2013 at 2:40 am

You did the right thng by letting him go. I have a 9 month old son and the father and I were having a casual sexual relationship for 5 years when I became pregnant. He has been nothing but an emotionally abusive jerk but heroes pay $2,000 a month in child support so I can’t complain really. He picks up our son Friday morning and brings him back Saturday night. He wants more time but I say no because I will miss my baby and I have done all the work. I’m convinced that this man is arrogant and irresponsible and a womanizer. I can tel he hasn’t changed or grown up one bit as I changed and became a responsible mother. Men will never understand.

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Claudette December 12, 2012 at 11:18 pm

How interesting and serendipitous that I would stumble upon this blog and this particular post today. When I asked myself, my mother and my most trusted friends on multiple occasions this week that SAME EXACT question.

To continue on being a single mom, or take a stab at the marriage -again?
Abridged-version of the backup story: My husband cheated on me (with different women) pretty much from minute one of our relationship, through dating, through engagement, through marriage, thru the pregnancy of our first child (which was a surprise only 6mos into our marriage) and even afterword. Funny thing I didn’t stumble on it til after our sons first birthday. And THAT’S when our problems began spilling out. Weird since until that very moment, I was happy, we were happy. We really never had major issues over typical mundane coupley bickering and snips.

Anyway, we separated, tried to get back together once or twice….now at the cusp where he wants to reconcile fully. I, however, have come to a point where I did the work on myself, have worked on returning to the self I want to be. Started working out, found a passion, made new friends and reconnected with friends that marriage had me compromise with or forsake, have learned to embrace my time away from my son, and live a fun, healthy and more involved/social life. So, since working from the inside out, I was on the cusp of trying to THINK about dating but I can’t deny the connection that I still have with my ex

Do I go back? If I do it can pretty much guarantee that I have more children, that I desperately want. And he really is a WONDERFUL family man. I don’t know anyone else that would eagerly get up early on a Saturday in the summer to takeout 3yr old to the water park, or drive 2hrs through rush hour during the week just to see this awesome holiday light show that I had heard about before the weekend rush. But, in my recall of our relationship when it came to adult-time; he’s more of a homebody, and I’m more of a skinny jeans, sparkly headbands and some drinks on the town.
-OR-
Do I take my chances, hope I find someone better, someone to make me happy at every facet. It’s a big gamble. I could never find the person that would be great for me AND my son, AND be interested in MORE children. I would want someone to be a good role model for him, not take the place of his father but just be another person that loves him, and be a good example of a healthy loving relationship.
I’m young (only just turned 30)I’m bubbly, I’m funny, im smart,..and an awesome dance. I’m eager to experience a loyal and loving romance and someone that appreciates me and what I offer, and offers me exoeriences in return. But if that never comes I’m not jumping at the chance to live the whole “rather be alone, than …” And (I mean no offense here) be a mommy-martyr.

I know it sounds like I’m leaning one way….but it feels differently. Parts of me want to let go and take the gamble, cause what have I got to lose, the other is afraid and figures maybe I should try to crazy glue a broken vase together and see if it’ll hold a bouquet?

I’ve blathered on long enough

Thoughts? Help? .02? .04?
I can take it

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Ginger December 13, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Hey Claudette, I truly do not think there is anyone who can make you happy at every facet…this only exists in fairy tales and romance novels. Relationships are tough and require work, and I am sure you know this. Do you think you can ever trust him again? Oh, before I forget, I want to say that I don’t believe there is NO ONE that will be a fit for you And your child and who will be interested in more kids. I have been getting divorced for over 3 years and have truly lost everything financially, and am stronger than ever emotionally knowing he has done everything in his power to take my sanity as well. I met someone who I thought, and told him too, would be a nice fun booty call…fast forward and he now lives with me and my two kids, and my son went to his 3rd grade holiday boutique and who did he spend his money on? His sister and the man who acts more like his Dad than his sperm donor. It was just automatic. But that man I married, (well, for lack of a better word since a MAN he is not!), sounds different from yours. Mine never wanted to be with us, we just looked good on his arm if you will.
It can’t hurt to try is what I think. But maybe on the DL as far as your child goes, so as not to get his hopes up? I always think that if you give it another try, what can be bad about that? You are doing everything in your power to reconcile your family. Worst case scenario, you will have known you did everything you could to salvage it. Without regret.

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Ms. Single Mama December 18, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Claudette,

The only reason I read between the lines here to stay with him was “I am afraid of what will happen if I don’t.” Making a decision out of fear is never the right choice, I always say.

And I can’t imagine he is truly conformed… once a cheater… especially with multiple partners. Ugh. You deserve better and you know it! My two cents, good luck I know this is a hard thing to struggle with.

I also think, knowing what I know now and being madly in love with a man who treats me like a Queen – that you shouldn’t have a shadow of a doubt. That in itself is a red flag.

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andreas August 21, 2014 at 10:35 am

I have many clouds of doubts, I am in a unhappy marriage, I know, been in couples therapy on and off since year 2 (married for 12) talking about red flags..,I have 3 kids, and we argue you every week it will be every day if I don’t avoid it, I am sad this morning in the routine to go to school, we fight in front of the kids, i just tired of be quieted or no respond because the kids are there, n for he is a good family man, but not husband, no pillow talk, no interest or I love yous, I am scare on what decision to make , I am not ready I think I am waiting for a big reason, big fight or some mistake from his part, it hurt he seems happy at work, when we are with friends or family he show another face, but a home is stressfull, his moodiness, I give him space to work on projects or I just go with the kids to the gym by myself, and I feel like I have to work to keep out of his way any mess, stress or problem, I am tired of hear him complain about money, work and now he is yelling at the kids more than usual. Now the weekends I want to run away. I am trying to take care of myself now, working out, eating right and get stronger mentally and physically for me and the kids ( I have a chronic condition diagnose 5 years ago)v, but I am tired of doing everything, to make this work, I know is not working I am crying my 5 year old asked me this morning why we are upset to each other, in his face of concern about it, too young to be worry about us..

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Toriam May 18, 2013 at 3:22 am

Claudette,
Thank you for writing this! It is MY story too, even the part about being pregnant at 6 months into the relationship. My son and I are a little older, though. We are in the process of separating, seeing a counselor and living as roommates until the lease is up. He said today that he wants to someday have the monogamous relationship I desire. Total BS. I miss our relationship also, which was beginning to improve in the 6 months prior to this last cheating. I knew about the incidents, but I had very low self-esteem and thought I wasn’t worth being committed to in that way. It has taken therapy to begin healing the abuses I suffered throughout my life and that has helped me build the self-esteem to end it. And know I can do it on my own.
I believe that, except in very rare cases, once a serial cheater always a serial cheater. I say it like that because ‘serial killer’ comes to mind using that phrase, and he serially killed parts of me. But I believe souls are reincarnated, both through death and rebirth, and reincarnation in the same body is more than possible too.

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Miss r December 14, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Funny when people feel sorry for me being a single mom.
When I was married.. I not only had to look after my babies, but my husband who never helped me with the kids, screamed and yelled at me when things were perfect around the house. I found a new sense of freedom since i became a single mom. now I just take care of the people who deserve it my kids, and me.

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Ms. Single Mama December 18, 2012 at 10:51 pm

This is a great point. I entirely agreed and found that while it had a new set of challenges, being out of my marriage was a huge relief!

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E. December 15, 2012 at 7:21 pm

I think it goes way beyond single vs. not single. Yes, if it is abusive, get out, you are better off. But also know there is single with a support system and single without and if you leave try to have a plan. Living far away from family to help out, receiving no child support, and having a child with a disability, I can tell you being single is very, very hard. I also cringe when I hear friends complain about their husbands about such dumb things like he doesn’t put his laundry in the basket. Yes, leave the mean loser, but if you have a decent guy, appreciate him. I know when I find the right guy, I’ll never let him go.

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Ms. Single Mama December 18, 2012 at 10:54 pm

E, completely agree! I used to call some husbands – “neglected”. It seemed like their wives had no idea how good he actually was… I mean, really – most men are not all that bad. In fact, most try their hardest to just keep their women happy. ; )

I think your point about planning and having a support network in place is especially important for all of my readers to consider.

This comment is fantastic. Thank you for sharing.

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Jen December 17, 2012 at 12:08 pm

As a now 40-year-old woman whose parents divorced when I was 4, I have spent many years pondering this question and I can say wholeheartedly without a shed of doubt that my childhood was infinitely better because my parents ended their tension-filled and unloving marriage when I was young. My upbringing was not typical (especially for the 70s and 80s) but it was filled with loved and stability thanks to my mom, her long-term boyriend, dad and then my stepmom. Now that I am married myself, I see how important it was for me to real, loving relationships instead of the constant anger and disagreemetn which my mom and dad were prone to have when they were married (but that they tamed VERY well for our sake once divorced). I have many friends right now who are “staying together for the kids” and I am truly concerned about the long-term implications on their children of growing up in a home devoid of love and the day-to-day relationshp learnings.

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Ms. Single Mama December 18, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Jen,

THANK YOU for leaving this comment here. I hope everyone reads it…

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Jennifer December 22, 2012 at 12:50 am

I needed to hear what Jen wrote. Today the kids left for the weekend to go to Dad’s and will come home late night on Christmas eve. We’re going through divorce and it won’t be final until Spring. I know I made the right decision to end the marriage, but coming to terms with my children’s back-and-forth “sharing” lives with my ex has been hard for me emotionally. They are 4 and 2 1/2 and we are finally coming around to not arguing or showing tension around them, and I’m hoping we can keep that up going forward. It’s just that Christmas is hitting me hard, feeling so sorry for the kids to have to go back and forth 50 miles and not have consistency with this holiday. Yet, I felt even more sorry for them when my husband was here yelling at us every day.

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Melissa December 26, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Jennifer, I spent this Christmas away from my kids too. Its been 8 years of holiday back and forth for my kids. The first few years were really hard on me emotionally too. But I found it makes it much easier on me if I focus on the fact that they are little…and all they care about is how many presents they get to open. They are lucky little kids in my book. How many kids get to have two or three or sometimes four whole Christmases EVERY YEAR?? Thats my take on it. As long as they are taken care of on Christmas, you should be happy. Afterall, you can have your own Christmas with them any day. I try to think of Christmas as just another day. Who says you have to celebrate it on the 25th? I had Christmas the Friday before, and it was great. Focus on the positive, never let your kids know how hard it will be for you to be alone. Its not fair to them…try to just be happy for them and all the parties they get to have!

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Celeste December 29, 2012 at 4:17 pm

It is better to be alone and happy than half with someone and miserable. Unhappiness spreads. I would know, my children are very unhappy. My husband is bipolar and I have walked on eggshells for 18+ years and my childrens (ages 6 and 9) have learned to also. I remember writing his mood swings off to him having a bad day or his ignoring me to justnot hearing me and oh how I regret it. Now I have two children, no job and am disabled. I do the cooking, try to clean (the house is always a mess), take care of all of the childrens basic needs and try to hold on t the little sanity that I have left. Yes, now I feel that I am in my own type of jail. I just keep reminding myself that I am close to God blessing me and I need to hold on to that thought. I always believed that one day my husband would wake up and see that I can do it all by myself or he would understand what I mean when I say I can’t do it all by myself but now I know different. I understand that I have been doing it all by myself. I have juggled the finances on top of everything else. Now I need to step out of this secure prison and live free. It’s scary but I know that from this conversation with myself (this is exactly what it is and I needed it) that it has to be done.

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momasan February 5, 2013 at 3:40 pm

Hi Celeste,
I am online today looking for support from other single moms who are in the single mom struggle. It is HARD. It is lonely, it is exhausting, stressful and really challenging. I left the father of my teenage sons when they were 2 and 1 because he was beating me up. 8 years later I met a guy with borderline personality disorder and did not understand the implications of this issue until I had a child with him. I have been a single mom for 16 years basically. It sucks. HOWEVER, I love being a mom, I love, love, love my children and in spite of the difficulties, would not be in a terrible relationship for all the money in the world. I agree with the concept that for the children it is ideal if the relationship can be maintained. However, it is terrible for children to see parents abuse each other, verbally, emotionally or physically. In that kind of environment, kids grow up shell shocked and fearful. If your husband in unable or unwilling to maintain some type of behavioral plan that he is committed to sticking with, then my experience tells me that you are better off depending on yourself, than someone who is unavailable and abusive when present. Life really comes with enough hardship; why do we endure abuse of all kinds for the sake of saving a relationship. I am learning every day that I can become compassionate and kind to myself up close and personal only as I learn to become compassionate and kind to people who would do me harm, from very far away.
Good Luck Celeste- stay true to yourself, if you have your own issues to address, get support and deal with them, be kind to yourself and all will be well. Learn to live in faith, not fear.

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April December 29, 2012 at 5:07 pm

I totally agree that being happy is most important. My ex also had a lot of issues that I can honestly say my divorce was for the kids to get them out of a toxic, unstable environment. It has been five years and I, as well as my kids, are so happy and well-adjusted. They would not be the kids they are today if I had stayed. They are now 18, 16, and 14. My ex is still mad I divorced him and he is mad at his children because they didn’t “take his side”. He won’t pay child support and hasn’t spent any time with them in 4 1/2 years. He is currently on probation for battery, I don’t know the real story, so I think I made the right decision, although he told me all the time everything was my fault.

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April December 30, 2012 at 7:20 pm

I had a couple of blogs in the past and it drove me crazy when someone commented just to advertise their blog. I changed the web address of my new one after I replied yesterday. I am sorry. I didn’t mean to advertise I just wanted to change my address and didn’t know how else to do it!

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Nada December 29, 2012 at 10:42 pm

I don’t think I could have stumbled upon this blog on any better day. This is a huge question mark in my life right now and it is crucial that I find the right answer soon. At this moment, I am close to nine months pregnant with my first child at the age of 23, living with my parents after separating with my husband of less than one year half way across the world. Initially I had the full intention of returning, even after being asked to leave my own home by him and my inlaws after a huge fight, and considered this to be a good cooling off period. Although we had been in a close relationship for two years before, problems started as soon as the marriage did. His family attempted to get involved in every argument (we were temporarily living with them), he started spending less time at home and the time he did spend was as if I was a room mate rather than his wife. As our problems progressed he became more controlling, emotionally abusive, and at our last fight physically as well. After being asked to leave I packed my bags, quit my job, and left the country to go back to my hometown of San Diego and spend time with my family. They support my one hundred percent, emotionally Nd financially and do not want to see me get hurt. During the last few months, my husband has reached out to me many times and seems to genuinely want to make it work. I was hesitant at first because I did not want him to come back simply for our soon to be daughter but I wanted to be wanted as well. He also has the tendency of getting angry and forgetting that I’m his family and just giving up. After letting me know this week that he will not be coming to the birth of our daughter I am hesitant to commit to him one hundred percent and to go against my family’s wishes and return. However, staying here would mean that my daughter won’t ever have a chance to experience what it’s like to be a part of a family. I love mt husband very much and dream of the amazing life we could lead if we only get past this. I am worried that my daughter will never have a father and that he will miss out on all her firsts. But with him living half way across the world this is a huge decision because not only am I giving our marriage another shot, but I am sacrificing my life as well. I don’t think he will truly ever respect me or see me as everything he wants because he is more focused on the past then the future, but I don’t want to be the reason that holds us back or leaves my future daughter unhappy. I would appreciate anyone’s advice or opinions, I truly feel like I am stuck in a corner and have no one to turn to.

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April January 3, 2013 at 3:58 pm

It is so hard because you can tell you aren’t just thinking about you but your daughter. I stayed for longer than I should have because I didn’t want my kids to be from a broken home. For me, the controlling issue got worse when he didn’t think I was going anywhere. That may not be your situation at all, but it definitely didn’t get better for me. My kids are so much more healthy in every way now. I have said many times my divorce was the rare occasion that I did it FOR the kids. It isn’t easy being a single parent, but not having all the stress of a bad relationship makes it much easier than being in an unhealthy relationship. I hope I don’t give you any bad advice I just saw where you are 23 and that was how old I was when I had my daughter. Now, she is 18, and her brothers are 16 and 14 and we have a lot of fun together and I have an amazing relationship with each of them.

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Nada January 14, 2013 at 4:24 pm

Hi April, I completely agree, the controlling issue has been one of our largest problems and is what makes me even more hesitant to go back. I know that I can be more happy as a single mother until I meet the right person and in my heart I know that that person will make me more happy simply because he no longer cares. But with him living over 6,000 miles away its hard knowing that my daughter won’t ever really get to know him. It’s even harder because I would love to give him a chance and see if he changes with a baby around, but that would mean running back to him half way across the world and having to start my life all over again. Going there I will be away from my family and he will be in full control. Even if we got divorced, the courts on that country would not allow me to take my daughter back to live with me in California. I know the choice sea clear that single motherhood is what’s best I just don’t want to fix things later and regret that he missed out on the first moments of her life. Him being so stubborn and saying he refuses to change should convince me he won’t but its just hard convincing myself that this is what’s best.

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Erika March 21, 2013 at 10:58 am

Dear Nada,
I can understand how you want to do what’s best for your daughter. I have raised my own daughter, who is now 16, by myself. My daughter didn’t have a relationship with her father until she was 12, and even now, it’s inconsistent because there wasn’t a bond developed between them when she was younger. Her father has made a lot of poor choices in life, and still struggles with living healthy. It’s been such a blessing not to have him influence her life with his lifestyle. I am fortunate to have a great support system and family who steps in to nurture, love, and set an example for my daughter. I also take advantage of my community’s abundant resources (single mom groups, free classes, discounted programs, etc). I chose to not date or have boyfriends from when my daughter was 2 1/2 until she was 13 yrs. old; I focused only on raising her, without distractions or potential predators coming into the home. My daughter has flourished because of my choices. I protect her and make sure she’s surrounded by a loving circle of family/friends. It sounds like you have a good support system yourself, which a lot of people don’t have. My only advice to you is to seek a counselor in your area who will help you to make smart decisions for you and your daughter’s future. A person educated in human behavior, and who doesn’t hold bias for you or your husband, can see things more clearly and help guide you in the right direction. And finally Nada, if you decide not to go back to your husband, it is possible to raise a healthy, happy child on your own. BELIEVE in yourself, and utilize every resource available to you.

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sherri December 31, 2012 at 11:56 am

I am the single mom of two adopted girls. Since I’ve never been married and chose single-motherhood, I can’t scientifically compare. But I grew up in a turbulent household where my mother ultimately decided staying together for the kids was not worth it. Although we struggle with everything from money to getting on each other’s nerves, my girls would never describe me as sad or miserable because they have never had to see me suck it up to make a dead marriage work. I’m still hopeful that there’s a mature gent out there for me. Even so, I’m glad I didn’t have to struggle through an awful marriage just for the privilege of loving my girls.

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Chris R January 4, 2013 at 2:49 pm

What a great post! The comments wonderful. I know sometimes people say its better to stay together for the kids but being one of your single dads I think its better for a child to have two parents not together and happy then faking it and secretly not happy. Kids will see this, they arn’t stupid.

Growing up they will see how unhappy parents are, you can’t fake it. In the beginning I was curshed by my divorce, but now I’ve grown stronger and I’m so happy. It has been a hard road and I miss seeing my little one but I make due with the time and what i have. It’s the Quality that counts. Still I can’t help but feel that a lot of kids, especially when they are younger really just want their parents to be togheter. Heartbreaking when a child askes this for Christmas say…

Either way we adapt as people and will always feel single moms and dads are good people, they didn’t do anything wrong, it just didn’t work out. They child will have different life styles to live but will make it, as long as the parents do their jobs…

Very good post…

~Chris R

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SavoredLife January 5, 2013 at 10:05 pm

Ya know, this one is a complicated one. While for ME, it would have been MUCH easier being a single mother than in a miserable marriage if he had actually moved on, either by fulfilling his parental obligation or wanting nothing to do with them.

My ex is a narcissistic, delusional scumbag. Yes, I married that. I own it. When we divorced, he couldn’t deal with the fact that I ACTUALLY left him (and the emotionally, verbally & physically abusive relationship he provided). The only way he could then hurt me was through the kids. And that he did. He’d stalk my home, harass my friends, tell our children that I walked out on our family & was taking all his money (which he wasn’t paying child support and was thousands in arrears). It was a complete nightmare. I never uttered a negative word about their father to them…

At the time, it was easier being married to him. He was never home, out running around with other girls and his “crotch trophies” were too much work. I don’t condone staying in an abusive relationship, but the abuse didn’t just suddenly STOP when I left. It never has…

It’s a long drama riddles saga that still continues six and a half years later. I’m remarried, he’s remarried and he just can’t help himself.

So, it’s not an easy answer for me…

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Ann January 6, 2013 at 2:54 am

I understand our children happiness and well-being come first before anything. I am single mother of three. Let me say, I am happy living alone without the pressure of my ex. I couldn’t take it anymore, I was miserable.. unhappy… and going through the beginning stages of depression. My kids suffered seeing me this way. Did I wanted to work this marriage out? yes! but he didn’t. He never took me serious… in or about July 2011 i talked to my ex about divorce, he didn’t pay attention to me, his answers were: “you wouldn’t do it” “yeah yeah sit down” “you can’t live without me” and it goes on. In September 2011 I finally said enough is enough. I talked to my ex again in about November 2011 when the process was already started to see if he wanted to work it out. His answer again was No. Why was I trying to work it out? – for my kids! I was told by few that I was doing wrong by divorcing their father, but how about what i was feeling..? my kids weren’t living a happy life seeing me sad everyday. My daughters grades were dropping. When he finally told me no again I felt like he opened up the door to a different view in my life. July 2012 i was officially divorced.. Let me say he cried… I cried. He was given second chances to better himself, to work this marriage out for us for our children. i felt like i was released from a jail cell. I went through a lot. Its not easy, i have my struggles alone but it isn’t easy with or without being married. My kids live happy because i am happy. Grades went up. More bonding time with my kids. Yeah, i have to add that when he hears that Im going out with my friend he starts harassing us both and bad mouths my children about me. But i am happy alone. it would had been worse choosing to stay with him.

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Morgan January 6, 2013 at 12:04 pm

I am the child of a husband and wife in an unhappy marriage who have since divorced. I can honestly say that I have been happier and my life has been so much easier since my parents split up.

I was old enough to know that my parents marriage was not right. I knew that the way my father treated my mother was not okay. But lots of children in that situation are not. It pains me to know that children watch their parents live together unhappily and come know that as “normal.” Those will be the children who grow up to settle for less than they deserve because they think that is what marriage is.

As much as children do not ever want their parents to divorce, they don’t want to live in an unhappy home either. Even though they may not realize it.

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Tami January 6, 2013 at 1:57 pm

I separated from my ex-husband at 6 months pregnant. He was/is emotionally abusive as well and completely in denial of who he is even when he got arrested when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant after preventing me from leaving in my car by standing in front of it with my older child. It stressed me so much I got a bloody nose and started having stomach pains so I called the police. He never hit..but at 6’4″ he bullied and made me feel so helpless.

So yes, it was definitely the right thing to leave that toxic environment. I have no family around here and have done it on my own and it’s been very tough but I am much happier and more peaceful than when I was with him even with the hurdles I have to deal with. The problem now is dating. Finding the right guy to understand this package deal that I also connect with. I got out of an 8 month relationship with a guy in October. He seemed to be the one and great and loved my boys but he was younger and we had issues. I have thought of just putting dating on hiatus until they are older but I am a warm, loving, passionate woman and would love to find someone to be a party of this awesome trio! We will see!!! :)

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marcy January 6, 2013 at 4:55 pm

It is better… to leave a miserable existence. It is scary and it is hard. I doubt myself often, probably residual impact of being with a person who belittled and questioned the core of who I was for over a decade.
It is good to have it behind me – almost. It has been 2 years since our separation and what a battle that was to get through. I filed for divorce when my X would not stop coming home high (stoned), He would even go to our marriage counseling high… no kidding. I had quit drinking and smoking cigs two years prior so it was a real trigger for me. It was what I needed to do to focus on being a mom to our two wonderful kiddos who were one and two at that time, About six months later it came to light that he had been having an affair for several months prior.
To this day, he still believes that it is all my fault for being intolerant and does not take responsibility for the impact this had on our marriage, on him or on our children.
It really is important to learn to listen to your instincts … I am so glad to be away from his degrading and abusive innuendos. It is worth the struggle. And even though my children still think he is the cats pajamas, it was the best choice I could make for them in order to model appropriate behavior.
My best to all of you really strong women…

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tammy January 8, 2013 at 12:00 pm

I would much rather happily raise my children in a stable environment and have hope that a good man will come into our lives over the other option of sleeping miserably next to someone i hate every night. =-)

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Patricia Italroz January 14, 2013 at 4:31 am

Well, for me, I’d rather choose to have a single motherhood rather than staying on an unhappy marriage. I can’t afford myself to stick in that kind of relationship. It just makes me realize that every day is a wrong decision and in short, I’m just hurting myself more and more. I’ll prefer to have a single motherhood and live life together with my kids. In that way, I’m pretty sure..I can have a happy and peaceful life. That’s what happiness means to me.

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Brandi January 16, 2013 at 11:18 am

Like so many others I am thankful I stumbled upon this blog. It’s one of those days. My ex-husband left me and my 5 year old son and 8 month old daughter in June of 2011 for his secretary. She was several years younger, pretty, and evidentally paid a whole lot of attention to him. It was a complete shock to me. He had never cheated before that I knew of. He immediately wanted a divorce, he wanted nothing to do with me, it was like I was a bag of trash he was taking to the dumpster. There relationship went on for about 8 months on again off again. During this time he tried to come back to us on a couple of different occasions, but would change his mind both times stating that he just couldn’t be the man he thought he could be, or he loved me so much but he didn’t feel it would be healthy for the kids. Those were his most famous lines. In January of 2012 he came to me and said he as officially done with her and that he wanted nothing more than to have his family back. I believed him. I decided to give him one more chance, against my families advice. Things went well for several months. I was still living in my own place and he was living with his parents as he had went through some financial problems since we had split (of course). We took a family vacation together that summer, spent several nights a week together, we even became intimate again. Which was difficult for me, but I was working past it. Then in September of 2012, just a couple weeks after we had gotten home from the beach, he started acting really strange. On his phone all the time all hours of the night. I decided to check his email, which I had never done, and I found numerous emails from craigslist casual encounter ads and messages from adult meeting websites. All women that said they either were interested in meeting him or just wanted to exchange pictures. I couldn’t believe it, but I could believe it. It was a shock, but it wasn’t. I felt like it was a sign from God that this was absolutely the last straw. How can you want to be with someone whole heartedly and engage in these disgusting acts. I don’t get it. Never will. I ended it with him. He said I was being petty and that it was all “fake” and that I had been looking for reasons to get rid of him. It really hurt. I felt like I was back at square one. I’m doing pretty well for the most part, except when I have one of these days. My kids are 7 and 2 now and they are perfect in every way. He still wants to come back to us, says he’ll change, get help, whatever I want him to do. In reading some of the previous post, he to is a family man, he loves to take us places, and spend time with us, and pretend he is the father and husband he’s supposed to be. I wish he would change, but I don’t think that’s possible. I’ve considered counseling, but I don’t know if its worth putting myself through. I cannot risk taking him back and tearing my kids world apart again. They did fine through the first tornado, mostly because they were so young, but if they had to go thru it again, I don’t think it would be pretty at all. This has helped me so much to vent to people that are going thru similiar situations. Any advice you can give me is greatly appreciated.

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momasan February 5, 2013 at 3:47 pm

Hey Brandi-
Get some counseling if your finances can afford it. You might want to try individual counseling first. I totally understand wanting your marriage to be whole again for the kids, but your husband sounds like he really has a pretty serious problem- maybe even a sex addiction- If he is able to come to these ideas on his own, and seek his own counseling without prodding from you, maybe things might work out. Have you considered finding a group on co-dependency? I attended al anon for several years- child of alcoholism and it was very helpful for me. Don’t give up! You will be ok if you listen to your heart and do what is best for your kids- being with dad if he really isn’t available at this time, might not qualify as best for kids unfortunately….
Good Luck!!!!

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Michael January 17, 2013 at 4:41 am

I would say it depends on whether or not a marriage is abusive and whether the couple still have feelings for one another. If a marriage is abusive, the likelihood of change is slim, but for the sake of children, perhaps counselling could be considered before divorce is chosen.

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Jessica S February 9, 2013 at 11:25 pm

What a great posting to stumble across. I have very mixed feelings after just ending it today with my fiancee of two years. When we met I had a 3 year old son who he has taken in as his own through the course of our relationship. My son’s biological father is not involved so my fiancee seemed to be so I was so grateful for him back when our relationship was good. But after many bitter arguments, name calling, and controlling behavior, I just realized I can’t take him anymore. This is not the life I want for me or my son. The hardest part of my decision is feeling like I am taking the man my son knows as a dad away from him. I feel extremely guilty and torn on the subject. I also feel terrible for my ex that he can no longer care for the boy he has come to know as his own any longer. But in the end I have become a shell of what I was-constantly anxious and afraid of the next fight. I haven’t felt capable of making my own decisions for fear of confrontation and I have lost confidence in myself. But after making my decision to end it, I am starting to feel the fire I once had inside of me that’s been burnt out. I just broke the news to the ex today so I know I have a very trying few days ahead, but I think it will be OK. Ultimately I know my own happiness and sanity is the most important thing for me and my son.

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Monica February 27, 2013 at 2:46 am

I have a 9 month old son with an emotionally abusive/controlling person also!! I just realized how I had become a shell of a person and couldn’t eat and just lost all my self confidence and decision making abilities also! I told him I didn’t want him in my life anymore but we still have to share custody of my son. I have someone else pick him up and drop him off so I don’t have to see him. You are so right to leave! It’s tough to be on your own but so much better for you and your son! You will see! Stay strong, girl!

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Victoria February 13, 2013 at 3:00 pm

For me, being a single mother is much worse than having been in an unhappy relationship. However, there are a few factors as to why this is. I was and still am in love with my children’s father. We had our issues but we kept them from the kids. I was always willing to work through problems but sadly, he was not. I ended up having to ask him to leave last year when I was pregnant with our second child because he cheated on me and refused to go to counseling. The past six months have been some of the hardest in my life.

I am completely isolated as his family was my family and they have all abandoned me at the end of the relationship. I don’t have any relatives close by and my own parents are deceased. My world is very, very small – consisting of just me and my kids, we are now poor and don’t have a car. I would choose our unhappy relationship over this any day. I know it’s not the popular opinion but it is what it is.

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Jacki July 30, 2014 at 12:40 am

Hi Victoria, just read this, and I am in the same place right now except for that I have his families support. Would love to know what has happened since :)

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Kristine February 22, 2013 at 12:07 pm

I have been “single mom” since my son was 18 months. He is now almost seven. It was not an easy go but I am in my second relationship since the split and am now engaged. It is a good life.

I have a friend in a loveless marriage. I think she emotionally abuses her husband, but he will not leave her because they have agreed that they “don’t want their son raised by single parents.” Like it is some kind of disease.

Single parenting is not ideal but neither is a loveless marriage. I hope they find a way to bring love back in, and also to learn that single parenting is not a virus or a stigma.

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Jason March 13, 2013 at 8:26 pm

I have no kids but been single for a while.i know u feel

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TLU March 2, 2013 at 12:16 pm

I have been in a relationship for 4 years. Things were ok for like the first four months, but then his mother suddenly past away whom he was very close to. He became very clingy and very needy — sometimes when I would go out with friends he would call and text me about what I was doing, one time he even accused me of cheating –so I nipped that I the bid and he backed off, but the intensity continued. This was also a time where we both do finished college and were trying to find jobs when the economy was bad, and I kept getting rejection notices. With all of that I slowly went into a deep depression and my boyfriend was working and doing most of the cooking/cleaning and after a while he became very frustrated cause I wasn’t snapping out of my depression fast enough–nothing I ever did for him was good enough. I eventually got a job, but he wasn’t satisfied with the job I had cause of my professional credentials. We eventually broke up for about 8 months. It was hard, but I eventually got myself into a better place, got a better job and my own place and we eventually ran into each other on the street. So I pursued him and we eventually got back together. It was only a few months before a lot of the same problems entered our relationship again. He was always unhappy, constantly blaming me for things, wasn’t satisfied with my new job and we constantly argued. Then I found out I was pregnant, it was a very stressful pregnancy bc of our issues, we even tried couple’s counseling. After the baby came, he totally went off on my mom bc he felt she was disrespectful and she left the next day. So I had virtually no support with a new baby, he helped when he could but he was focused on going to work everyday and working out afterward bc he was preparing to go to the marine corps — he also started going out a lot with friends, I felt so alone and abandoned. We don’t have family close by so it was hard. When he left for training I went to the west coast to stay with family, it was such a blessing to have a true loving support network. My husband (we married a month after the baby was born) got kicked out of his training and I was nervous to go back so I brought up the idea of moving to the west coast to be closer to family. He seemed to be on board, then the blame began again — he said I wasn’t being sympathetic enough to him getting kicked out of his training. That brought me right back down to the bad chaotic state we were in before he left, and the belittling started up again. I have been on the west coast for 4 months now, in limbo with the relationship and unsure about whether or not trying to see if things can turn around I. This toxic situation. I feel stripped to my core. Please help.

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Singlemom411 March 12, 2013 at 4:04 pm

Being in an unhappy marriage is worse. Even if you try to pretend everything’s ok your kids know it’s not. If you need support as a single mom visit http://www.singlemom411.com we’re here to help

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shay March 21, 2013 at 8:14 pm

I feel for all of your pain here, im in a tough marriage w/ my husband and he doesn’t hardly be here living with me nor our baby girl. He always wanted to get a job in another state for about a year, visited us on his vacation twice, and still it’s lonely to be a single parent, doing everything while the father isn’t around. He pays all bills till I get a job, and that’s the only thing why I’m stuck with him till i find a job and good daycare for our child. I already know that I told him I want a divorce, so I can live my life and be free from his craziness and not being here with our child. I’m so ready for God send me the right guy for me to accept us fully. It’s hard work, but I’m trying to patient till that day comes. I pray for all of you here and wish nothing but the best in all single moms. :)

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Alison Johnson April 8, 2013 at 5:47 am

I absolutely agree 100% it is best to be a single parent than stuck in an unhappy and/or abusive marriage. It’s no good for you or your kids if you are. You won’t be happy, and kids pick up on that kind of thing. The tensions can escalate, and worse case scenario, your kids start to become unhappy and develop social problems, anxiety, eating disorders and that type of thing. I’ve fortunately never been involved in such a situation myself, but I know of others who have, and I’ve read plenty about the effects that it can have on all involved. The problems far outweigh any advantages, in my opinion, and I think most people would agree. Not that it’s not incredibly tough to go it alone, because obviously it is – but still not as tough as putting up with abuse! Having a family support system naturally helps a great deal. In any case, you will come out the other side a strong and independent person and your kids will be happier. At the end of the day, you have your kids and they have you, and that will get you through!

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Lynette S. April 19, 2013 at 12:28 pm

My opinion is that it’s best for you and the children to be happy and if that means ending a marriage, then so be it. Children are not as fragile as we believe them to be. I think that a child raised by divorced parents fares much better than one raised by parents who can’t get along and stay together solely for the sake of the child. Plus, children of divorced parents have the opportunity to witness and to be part of two families which gives them greater insight into what they want their future relationship to be like.

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Jennifer April 26, 2013 at 2:57 pm

The jury is still out on Whether ‘Tis Better to be divorced with kids or to stay together for the kids. As for the difficulty of being a single mother: I know how to be a solo parent because that has been the situation for me since my son was born. I left my husband two weeks ago so it is still really fresh. I have noticed that my son is more in touch with reality than he was before. He used to do a lot more imaginative play when we were still living with his father. It seemed like it was his escape from the cold hard reality of being stuck between parents who did not really even like each other. There was a lot of fighting going on in the house and when my husband was not around I was constantly trying to keep things within the household up to his standards and in accordance with his expectations. I was a mess of stress, anxiety and tension. Since I left our lives are a lot more low key and relaxed. I don’t have to prep my son, the house or myself for the grand arrival of the King. Leaving was instant relief for us because we no longer felt compelled to work to please an unplease-able person. Ultimately, it depends on the situation. I will always say that if you find that the person you are married to is not contributing as much to the relationship as they are trying to extract from it, then you need to let them know about it, ask for specific changes and if they don’t make those changes or even admit that they are making a mistake then leaving is the right thing to do. I kept telling myself that my marriage should be enriching my life not draining it away. My marriage was a drain and if I had put 12 more years into it I am certain I would eventually become a shell of a person or encounter serious medical problems from the stress and strain of it all. The stress you marriage is causing you is harmful to your health. This is what caused me to finally leave. I noticed that I was having head aches and these mini-seizures. I thought I was going to eventually have a stroke and be either disabled or dead. That is how bad it was just before I left. Don’t ever let a man do that to you. He is not worth your good health. If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They need a healthy mama especially if their father is a workaholic self absorbed ego maniac. I take much better care of myself now because my son’s father is incapable of well-balanced wholesome parenting and it would be a tragedy for my son to have only his father and whatever poor miserable wretched woman he takes as his second wife.

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Brown May 16, 2013 at 1:52 am

I was enagaged to a man for ten years and we had six kids together, i stayed in the relationship because I wanted to be a family. I broke up with him two years ago and I thought at the time I would be better off single than being in a unhealthy relationship, NOT. I have found out once you have kids for someone their life affects you and your kids life, its not the end its the beginning and sometimes staying is better. I understand if there are major issues, leave. But if its not major think before you leave because its a whole new world you are now a single mom, raising your kids part-time or full-time by yourself. Everything is different now finances, dating, work, school etc. Like someone said before plan it out if you decide to make that choice.

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Nikki June 2, 2013 at 12:18 pm

I would definitely say that an unhappy marriage/relationship is by worse than being a single mom. Being a single mom isn’t bad. You get to be the reason why your kids are who they are. You can raise them in a good environment instead of an unhappy one. I am a domestic violence survivor and walking away from my oldest’s dad was the best decision I ever made.

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Jerome June 25, 2013 at 2:19 am

Hi lovely ladies firstly lol I’m not single mom I’m a guy that believes mistakes are made and you guys deserve to be happy to I needed advice I didn’t know were to post… I am currently head over heels for a single mom she Is the most amazing woman I have ever met she’s just a star she says I’m the sweetest guy ever but she wants to be friend and I want more but I’m willing to do anything for her ,her baby boy loves me …so what does that mean ladies SOS I really love her and can see myself getting settled down with her…

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Jon June 26, 2013 at 10:37 pm

Unhappy marriage by far. Not only is it miserable for the couple but it creates a very negative image of love and marriage to the children. As a child of divorce, my parents split when I was 6 years old and my father was not very nice to my mom. Then, my mom got remarried to a great man and they have had an amazing marriage. I am thankful for growing in that type of marital environment.

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Monica June 28, 2013 at 3:07 am

I became a single mother two years ago. I still cannot speak to my ex husband because he left the country and left me pregnant with two toddlers to raise. I still don’t understand why would he do that. Now I am happy with my children but as hard as the marriage was I would love to still be married. Perhaps I should have thought about a better husband to marry, but you can only know a person so much before you marry them. All I can say now is that I am happy as a single mom, but I wish I could find a great guy to start a new life with. Or continue my great life.

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Julie July 19, 2013 at 2:38 pm

I have been agonizing over this question for many years. I am a working mother with 3 children, ages 13, 11, & 2. I do not love my husband and I don’t think he loves me any more either. The problem is that I can’t afford to divorce. We are barely getting by financially with one household. There is no way we can afford 2 separate households. I am absolutely miserable! My husband has no interest in me and the kids. I am raising my kids on my own. My other issue is that i am terrified of the idea of sharing custody with him. He is completely clueless about our kids.

I thought I could just get by living together but separate lives. But it is getting harder all the time. I am filled with resentment. I resent him for having the luxury of being a father without any of the responsibility and work. I resent my kids when they act up because I feel like I am sacrificing so much for them. My oldest 2 kids are beginning to see that their parent’s relationship is not normal.

I don’t know what to do! I feel like I am going crazy!

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Jackie July 22, 2013 at 1:53 am

I totally agree with you, Ms Single Mama.

There is a saying that goes like this, when you have found the right one.. Your happiness multiples by 2 and Your sadness, divides by half.

If you it’s the wrong one then it’s the other way round.. Happiness half and sadness double.. Horrible..

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Alex @ http://www.godatenow.com/ July 30, 2013 at 4:56 am

Hi I unfortunately didn’t take the time to read through all of the comments but I would just like to add my opinion.

I personally think it would be better to be a single mother than to carry on with an unhappy marriage. Ofcourse I strongly believe in trying everything in your power to better your marriage because being together for your child is the better choice, but if after all the trying and heartbreak you still can’t make up with your husband/wife, just let go…

Reason being…your child can sense unhappiness between his/her parents and that will affect your child. And I believe that it can cause future issues in his/her life choices.

Rather be separated and come to terms as to who will see the child when and spend time with him/her and make them feel loved on both sides, than have angry parents surrounding your child all the time.

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naomi August 5, 2013 at 12:51 am

i want to say thank you to the source of my happiness DR PAUL.I want to say a very big thanks and appreciation to DR PAUL for casting a love spell that brought back my ex boyfriend in two days what will i have done if not for you DR PAUL am really grateful for all your help once again thank you very much email altimatespelltemple@yahoo.com

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dAtiNgweBsiTes@brazil August 11, 2013 at 12:40 am

I think self respect is the first step to finding happiness.Being able to accept yourself for who you are,doing things that you enjoy and not depending on somebody to make you happy will help you find true happiness.It will also help you to accept others for who they are because you have no expectations.

Staying alone really sucks the first few days after breaking up especially if you loved the person, but time will help you forget the past and move on.The need for companionship cannot be ignored,it is real.As long as we live,there is an opportunity to find a good companion,and it should be grabbed as it comes.

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Grace August 21, 2013 at 11:09 am

I ask myself this daily. Im in a very unhealthy and unhappy relationship but im so terrified to leave and move on because i dont know where i will be financially. I ask myself all the time: willi be able to support my son? Will my son hate me for leaving his dad? Will he be happier?

I know and completely see how unhealthy my relationship is but im terrified of the unknown if i leave, especially since my mom lives in TX and I in NY, i will be 100% alone and thats overwhelmingly terrifying. I was also raised with a single mom, and although i turned out just fine, i have always wanted my parents to be together and i dont want my son to feel those feelings that i did as a child.

My relationship has gotten to the point where i cant stand to look at him and he at me. We have been throuhg 3 years of couples counseling trying to “fix” things but that didnt work, since my therapist passed away, the first thing he said was “im not going to therapy anymore so dont even ask.”
He leaves with his “friends” and when i call or text he doesnt even bother answering or just turns his phone off. That makes me feel like he doesnt respect me enough to even see if im possibly calling because theres an emergency. My son sometimes says when his dad is home “mommy i want daddy to go with his friends so i can sleep and snuggle with you”. His dad HATES when my 5 yr old son even lays on our bed and my son knows this. That breaks my heart because it makes me feel like he doesnt love my son as much as he should, as a dad should love his son.

I came across this blog at the perfect time. Reading through all the posts have made me feel a bit better and like im not the only one with these questions and lingering thoughts. I guess the way this relationship is going it is better to be a single mom for me. I just have to develop the courage to do it, whether im alone in NY or not, its something i have to do to be happy.

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Temmy September 19, 2013 at 6:48 pm

I got divorced just two months ago, and before the decision was final, my ex-husband had already promised me that he would still be in touch with our child. The fact is on the contrary, one day after the judges told us that our divorce was finally legal, my ex-husband disappeared. Now the only thing I know is that he is planning to get married with the woman he was having an affair with when we were still together.
Honestly, i have no more feelings for him. But it’s just that I can not understand how he could not miss his daughter?
Finding out this blog, hopefully, can help boost my confidence as a mother. Thank you everyone for sharing :)

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Virginia September 21, 2013 at 7:49 am

Thankyou all for sharing. I really needed to read what was said. I too, am deliberating on what to do for my son. I am not married, but my partner has so many issues and in the past year there have been two episodes of minor violence (still, it was physical) and we just cannot work as a team. I desperately want to leave but we are finishing our degrees at the moment and I don’t have the money to move out and I have nowhere to go as I have no family or friends here. My partner is quite non-social, and with baby raising and study and feeling miserable I haven’t made any friends here. I feel trapped and depressed. I can’t move away from the state as it is illegal to do so (i,e he will just get a recovery order), I don have the money and he has said that if our relationship ends he will go for full custody based on the fact that I have a loan that is being paid off. I can’t lose my son, he means everything to me and so I feel that I am just waiting for the day I can leave. In the meantime, my poor boy has to listen to his father arguing with me, and even when I say to him can you just not do this in front of the child he still does it. Tonight he tried to start an argument as I was lulling my son to sleep in his cot! Even worse, a man I have always loved but disappeared from my life as a teen has suddenly resurfaced. I don’t want to run into the arms of someone else, but it is tempting when you are so down and out! I think I will have to bide my time for now and do everything possible to keep my son out of his verbally abusive way.

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Kate M October 27, 2013 at 9:41 pm

Unhappily married is far WORSE! I am a recently divorced woman and I feel as though a huge and heavy weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Of corse there have been many changes and challenges but I am getting by. I believe my kids will be healthier and far happier with us living apart, but trying our best to parent together. I strongly suggest any woman who is in an unhappy marriage to evaluate what they want in life, as life is short and time is precious.. for you and your children.
Kate M
http://www.domesticallychallenged.net

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Michael October 29, 2013 at 12:44 am

I’m a man and I’m answering this question. My answer is likely to be deleted as this blog is highly censored as evident from the positive “you go girl” self reinforcing responses I see as the de facto majority on articles on this blog. Therefore at the risk of being deleted (it will likely happen regardless, if it does not I would be surprised) I will give the simple, forest vs. trees response to this blog entry:

IT IS BETTER TO BE UNHAPPILY MARRIED THAN CHOOSE TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER.

Grow up ladies. As Ruth Dewitt Bukater once said “We’re women. Our choices are never easy.”

All if you. Every single one of you – made your own bed. Now lie in it.

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Tiffany November 6, 2013 at 11:09 am

Being a single parent is better than being in an unhappy marriage. Your child (and yourself) deserves to be happy and to see you in a happy healthy relationship. the job of a parent is to protect our children. One must be happy in order to do so properly.

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Dating101 November 7, 2013 at 1:15 am

No matter how hard it is to let go either for you or your kids, it’s definitely much better to be single parent.

Kids mostly reflect how their parents are feeling, if they always see you unhappy, they will adapt that into their lives also.

The only way you can really take care of your kids the right way is if you’re happy yourself.

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Michael November 9, 2013 at 3:44 pm

@ Tiffany,

No it isn’t. It’s only better for you; you selfish..

But wait. What’s good for YOU is good for your child. Right? That is what female self rationalization comes down to isn’t it? Psychotic. Just psychotic.

You blow up your marriages and become single mothers by choice because your not Haaaaaaaaaapy (mocking tone intended).

As a women I would not imagine you get around much to researching any actual facts on these subject. Only your feelings.

Quality men are refusing to get married. Most men getting getting married today are uninformed beta males or men with little to nothing to lose. Almost half of “single” women between 30 and 40 are now unmarried.

This is because we live in a hostile post feminist no fault divorce legal society where any women can blow up her family ON A WHIM anytime she is not haaaaaaaaaaaapy (mocking tone intended).

Women use the power of the state to eject the children’s father. She then uses the power of the state to legally STEAL half or more of his assets. She gets alimony payments, and uses family court to enslave him to 18+ years of child support payments for children he never sees and in some cases for kids that aren’t even his! The minute he gets a raise – she files for an increase in child support. Women can also garnish wages, social security and pensions. This effectively turns men into SLAVES.

Over 70% of divorces are now initiated by women. The vast majority are for “irreconcilable differences”. And a staggering 90% of custody is awarded to WOMEN.

You destroy men’s lives and rip them from their biological children. Why? Because you aren’t Haaaaaaaaaaaaapy.

Our society, specifically the legal system (courts, lawyers, judges) have enabled this and things MUST change.

You people are beyond redemption. Your self entitlement and what you feel you “deserve” is disgusting. The fact you blow up your families is disgusting. The fact you all self rationalize this decision – a decision you know deep, deep down in the pit of your soul is WRONG – is disgusting. You are all disgusting. You all disgust me and none of you single mothers are “victims” of anything.

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Susan February 24, 2014 at 7:45 am

Hmmmm. Are you suggesting that I should have remained in a marriage with an abusive man? By doing that, I would have been reaching my daughter that it’s Ok for man to hit a woman, to emotionally abuse her, and to not pull his weight financially or domestically. Instead, I have set a good example: a woman should ditch a scumbag and quickly move on without looking back. You, Michael, have a chip on your shoulder the siZe of Texas. Reality sux for some people, but not for me and my daughter. We are happy, healthy, and loving life ever since I finally got him out of the house. Ladies, teach you children that it is NOT ok to be treated disrespectfully!

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Go Ask Mum November 18, 2013 at 1:40 am

It really depends, if the marriage is unhappy due to violence then a single mum is better. But if a marriage is just unhappy due to communication then you a marriage is much better. At the end of the day you as a parent have to be happy because if you are happy the kids are happy and they are the ones who are important. If they love you and you love them, then that is all that matters.

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Wendy November 19, 2013 at 3:27 am

Please delete Michael’s comments.
What a horrible man. It’s horrible when people are really stupid and egotistical but don’t realise they are stupid and ignorant.

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coleen December 11, 2013 at 5:48 pm

my marriage is literally falling apart right before my eyes,but the sad thing is im the only one that knows it.

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Sonatina December 29, 2013 at 10:29 pm

Coleen, I am in the same boat. My workaholic husband doesn’t realize how much my son needs him. We are financially sound and live well. He takes on additional projects and locks himself in the office working. We don’t do anything with him, not even on the weekends. He is an introvert and has no friends and has no interest in talking to anyone. I feel so lonely and feel horrible raising my son in an environment where money plays a huge role. My husbands idea of being a good parent is making a ton of money and mine is giving him good experiences and memories. He wants me to get a job even though we don’t really need me to work. I want to be there for my son to give him a strong foundation because he doesn’t get any attention from his dad.
Not to mention we have a sexless marriage, won’t even have sex with me because he is afraid to have another kid. We have been married for 7 years and we have had sex maybe ten time including conceiving my 5 year old. Before we got married I told him how I always wanted at least four kids and we talked and settled with two. Now 7 years later he wants nothing to do with having another baby. He says he loves us but I don’t feel it. I am lost lonely and feel miserable for my child.

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Trisha December 30, 2013 at 2:34 pm

Wow Jennifer(April 2013), I could have written what you wrote. You explained my life to a T. My workaholic husband doesn’t care for anyone but himself. I stress thinking of the moment he walks in through the door. He is critical, uncaring, egotistical and has nothing to contribute to my sons upbringing other than money. I am just 30 but look 50 for all the stress and feeling of worthlessness he makes me through. I’m afraid yo leave because I don’t know how that will impact my 5 yr old son who craves for his dad’s attention.

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MATA February 2, 2014 at 1:03 am

After my break up, I sat in my bed all day, every day. I cried constantly I actually started to Google ways to get over a broken heart, and that’s when I found your email I just wanted to thank you so much for your help. It has gotten me through a lot, and I appreciate it immensely thank you for bringing my husband back to me and our kids thank you drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail. com you are truly a blessing.

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Susan February 23, 2014 at 10:30 pm

I grew up in a house where my parents were constantly arguing and treating each other badly. I wished all the time that they would just get divorced. They stayed together for the sake of us kids. Because of that, I never knew what a healthy relationship looked like and married an abusive jerk. I divorced him and now have a home with my daughter that is peaceful, happy, and full of love. If you are doubting whether or not to divorce him for the sake of the kids, I say leave the scumbag behind and creat a safe, nurturing space for your kids. I wish my parents has done so. Since he left, our lives have turned around 180 for the better. Thank god he is no longer in our home to taint, disrupt, and crap all over our positive vibe. We are good to go!!!!!!

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kattie March 8, 2014 at 1:25 am

”I read your special report. I just wanted to thank you for putting that on the internet. I feel better and I know I have a roller coaster ride though hell. I know I will be stronger once I pass hell and turn into a stronger person. Thank you again. You are a good man to help people after what you went through. Maybe one day I can help people like you have helped me…thanking greatzalilu for helping reunite with my family again,i can just forget all that you have done for me.Contact greatzalilu@gmail.com

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Michael March 15, 2014 at 10:07 am

Whether a mum or a dad it’s better to be single than in a relationship that you are unhappy with.
As long as you have really done your best to work at it, if your’e certain it can’t work then do what you need to do to get out of it. There is no benefit to your child/ren to see the pair of you arguing or in conflict and living a lie helps no one.
You and he only have one life and so does your child. So you know you have to make it as good as you can.

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Faith March 27, 2014 at 7:10 pm

I have be married for nine years my husband and i where living happily and just two months ago my husband ment his ex girl friend whom he had in school days and all of a sudden he started dating her again and he never cared about his family again all he does is to stay late at night and when he come’s back he will just lie to me that he hard some fault with his car,there was this faithful day i caught the both of them in a shop,i walked to them and told the girl to stay of my husband girlfriend again,i have suffered too much in the hand of a cheating husband but and when he came home that evening he beat me up even despite the fact that i was pregnant he was just kicking and warning me to never point a finger on his affairs. thank to Dr.Osaze.malaca whom i got from a blog site after a long search for a real spell caster i was so happy that he fulfilled all what he said in just less than three days after the spell was cast they quarrelled and he broke up with the girl and his senses are fully back and he now care and love me like he have never done before and if you are their suffering from a broken marriage or your husband or ex cheats? you can email:spirituallove@hotmail. com

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MATILDA April 2, 2014 at 12:42 am

must testify the good work of Dr Lawrence that help me bring back my husband that left me for so many years for another woman is now back to me and beg for forgiveness. If not for the work of Dr Lawrence my husband will still be there now big thanks go to you i will always testify you for the good work you have done for me. Sir i will also like people to contact you for help you can get to him with this mail :drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail. com……… Matilda

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Single With Kids April 8, 2014 at 5:52 am

Ask anyone who grew up with married parents arguing, with the loaded silences and bad atmosphere, with the fear of the next moods or fall outs, with violence even. My ex used to hide all the forks and knives from the cutlery draw when his mum and dad went out as he knew the arguments would start on their return, and one or the other would go to grab a knife.. Is that the right environment to raise a child?

I’ve been separated 8 years and my girls are now 12 and 13. They’re happy, funny, intelligent and loving – and normal in every way. I have no doubt that separating was the best thing ever to do for their sake as well as ours, and hope the role models they’ve had of two happy but separate parents.

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abimom June 4, 2014 at 1:28 pm

I just want to say, yes, unhappy marriages suck. But miserable divorces are just as bad on the kids. My parents divorced when I was 9 and the ripple of that lasted almost throughout the entire following decade. My parents were never good to each other, my mother still is unmarried and frequently relapses into depression that stemmed from her divorce. It’s awesome for those of you that have happy, healthy homes now that you’re divorced or split from your exes and have managed to find men who can give your kids what their dad couldn’t, but that is rare! I’m a single mom now, myself, unfortunately following the statistic that single parents beget single parents, but that’s the truth. If it’s abusive and there is no chance of counseling, sure get out. But realize your kid, however tough, is going to be just as wrecked by it as you. You’re choosing between two evils. Just weigh your options carefully. I do not have a lot of hope of meeting mr. Right, but I’ve never seen a happy marriage either. Good luck and all the best to you all.

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lorraine June 26, 2014 at 5:37 pm

I have just left my husband off seven years and am questioning if I’ve done the right thing… My husband works away all week leaving me to raise our 3 children and work part time, at the weekend all we do is argue, my husband has an addiction to smoking weed and hav asked him for so long now to get help it’s changed him as a person he’s so selfish, paranoid and he has even turned violent, I hav never been strong enough to walk away but after him finally loseing his temper to the point of putting my kids lives in danger has made me realise what I had to do. I love my husband with all my heart and kills me to listen to my kids ask why daddy can’t come home, I just hope I did the right thing for all off us.

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Monica Kelly July 30, 2014 at 6:38 pm

After being in relationship with him for 3 years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the other ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email is dr. oputelspellcaster@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or any other problem.

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elizabeth rosas August 10, 2014 at 4:02 am

After being in relationship with emma for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: drinegbedionspellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL
ADDRESS IS:drinegbedionspellhome@gmail.com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM

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maria August 15, 2014 at 11:38 pm

I just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage. I really love Louis so much that i can not even do without. I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me cause i loved him with all my heart and didn’t want to loose him but everything just didn’t work out… He moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful man who eventually helped me out with spell… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used herbs… Within 2 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need’s it… NOTE THAT he will ask you to pay a small token amount of money to get the materials to work for you. You can email DR SANJAY via (sanjaylandofsolution60@gmail . com) Don’t give up just yet, the different between “Ordinary” & “Extra-Ordinary” is the “Extra” so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it’s truly worth it.

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nav August 31, 2014 at 1:28 pm

I m going to enter in 13 years of marriage. Mine n my husband are not so happy couple. He considered me as a ‘doubted-woman’ on earth. He uses bad language for me. He hangs out with other friends which he never does in past same with I hv made him my only friend of life. Nobody else is there to talk. We fight every other day. On face book n watsapp I hv caught him with doubted conversation with other girls 8 months agofor which I told him not to do. Today again I saw flirtious mssg with a girl again. He and his family again denying from it. I told him straightly to end this marriage as I cant live like this. Bt he is a coward n nt accepting it. Friends plz tell whether I m reacting much or right. Is there any tjing which can give right way to my life n my kids too.

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