Common Questions

by mssinglemama on July 6, 2012

As a blended family and a newly-married blended family at that, we get lots of questions from friends and near strangers. In no ranking order of popularity they are:

1. How did you meet?

OkCupid.com. I feel like I should send them a check for a million dollars. The $5.99 I spent clearly does not constitute a fair trade.

2. Do the kids get along?

For the most part. They definitely have their moments, but overall they’re already acting like typical siblings. We have seen a shift from blissful interactions (at first) to heavy fighting (right after the wedding ) and now – a nice balance equal in positive play and then the occasional and expected tiff. The dynamics are always shifting between the kids, but as long as us adults stay on the same page, everything is just as it should be. Seth and I are from large families, so we’re built for the chaos that seems to constantly surround us.

3. What do the exes think?

Mine is completely uninvolved and sees Benjamin for a few hours once a month. Seth’s is more involved as she recently moved back to Ohio. Ex-relations are never “easy” but I think all of the adults are doing their best to adapt to the new relationship. At our house, we have an open dialogue with the children about their emotions and make sure they don’t feel like dropping statements such as, “I love Daddy more than you” will hurt our feelings or make us upset. Benjamin said that today actually. I asked him because he asked me who I loved more, him or Seth. I said I didn’t want to answer a question like that and then I asked him, “It’s like me asking you who you love more – me or your real Daddy.” And then he paused for a moment and said, “Daddy.” Another pause. “But only because I don’t see him very much.”

4. Are you going to have more?

More children. The inevitable question from well meaning interested or merely curious parties. The answer? Not so easy. Seth definitely wants more. But I’m on the fence. You have to remember, when I had Benjamin,I was alone and it was hard. So hard in fact that I cried into my pillow on just about every evening and cursed the Universe and all mothers before me for not telling me how hard it would be. “Why didn’t anyone warn me?” I thought.

I have heard other mothers have differing experiences.

But regardless of being single or not, depressed or happy, breast feeding or bottle feeding, newborn babies dominate your world for months in and out of the womb. What would it be like, though, if I had help? Especially in the way of Seth who is God’s gift to mothers. I mean, the man is a child rearing phenom. Would I be able to enjoy the little guy or girl? I did enjoy Benjamin, but I had zero time to myself for years and years and yes, I’m probably still traumatized.

So, yeah. Me. Fence. Seth. Rearing to go.

Either way, we want to wait. So, I have time to continue pondering the idea of another little Gremlin to add to our collection. In the meantime, I leave you with a picture of Seth holding my adorable baby niece at my cousin’s wedding in North Carolina.

Um yeah, can you hear my ovaries from there? They’re screaming. But my brain is overriding them … for now.

After these pictures were taken, I kidnapped Daphne for most of the reception.

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Common Questions | Women | Kenya
July 6, 2012 at 6:40 pm

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Kimberly July 7, 2012 at 11:40 am

I just found your blog and love it, I have been a single mom of four, for the last 2 1/2 years. I am finally over the guilt ( being the one to leave) and the anger (over how hard I was punished for it) finally feel excited to find love but in Boston where everybody knows your name… lol! Its getting a bit discouraging, I find the divorced men seem to eager and want to move fast and the single men my age 39 are settled in to the single life and have a hard time with compromising. I am excited for you that you have found love again, gives me hope!

xo Kim

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ashlea July 9, 2012 at 6:40 pm

HEAR YOU on the trauma of having been in the baby scene alone…makes it much much harder to think about having another one when you look back on that time and see, yes, tremendous love for your child surrounded by NOTHING but self sacrifice and pain. Thank you for sharing your feelings and that part of your journey. I struggle with this right now because it seems to be a question many men want answered shortly after meeting me. To add fuel to my fire of uncertainty, my ex was hiding things from me when I got pregnant. When my baby was seven months old and I found out, I asked him point blank how he could allow me to make the decision to have a baby while keeping such MAJOR issues from me. He responded with, “Because I knew once there was a baby you’d never leave.” In other words, he knew if his secrets were found out with no kids in the picture I would leave so he eagerly had a child with me in an attempt to trap me in a marriage based on lies. Well, he was wrong because I left anyway BUT super hard to figure out if I could ever trust another man enough to have another child. The good news is you seem to have a guy who was willing to marry you regardless of what you decide in the end and you’ve got plenty of kiddos either way : )

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LotusMommy July 10, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I did it alone, too and now you’ve gone and reminded me of what those early days were like. Yikes. My little one is only two and it’s already so much easier. There is a part of me that is terrified to go back to the hard stuff…and a part of me that wants to avoid the potential hazards that a blended family might bring (my daughter would be the only child). But more than the fear is the yearning I feel…the yearning for more children to build a bigger family…and the deep yearning for a chance to do it all over again as a team. Instead of watching it drive us apart, I want to know that it’s fastening us together. You and Seth are clearly already fastened and are building a beautiful blended family, so yeah, it would be a lot to take on. But do you find yourself wondering what it might feel like to have someone by your side through it all? Is the wondering enough to override the other thoughts? I guess that’s what the fence feels like, huh?

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Melissa August 21, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Great blog post! Many of our members are single mothers as well, and ask many of these questions on a weekly basis. It’s terrific that you’re so candid – I envision many other single mothers benefiting from this.

One common thread amongst most of our single mothers is the ex factor. It’s a tricky dynamic, one that does not often go smoothly. I guess your situation is a blessing in disguise – it may have made the beginning much more difficult, does his absence make it a little easier now? Just curious about how you feel about that – I think some of our members could use that kind of encouragement. While we would never discourage a woman from seeking full child support, sometimes seeing the silver lining can make the day just a bit easier. What are your thoughts?

Thanks again for a great FAQ! :)

Melissa
GirlsAskGuys.com

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David October 17, 2012 at 2:17 am

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Patricia November 4, 2012 at 12:52 am

Really great blog! I find it very interesting. I’ve been a single mom for few years. It’s hard to raise a children alone but it’s the only choice I can make to have a peaceful living. But now that I find this site, it seems that I am willing to risk again and found myself to be with someone else again. Not just for a while but for a lifetime.

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a June 19, 2013 at 11:08 pm

great article

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Patricia June 19, 2013 at 11:12 pm

Really great blog! I find it very interesting. I’ve been a single mom for few years. It’s hard to raise a children alone but it’s the only choice I can make to have a peaceful living. But now that I find this site, it seems that I am willing to risk again and found myself to be with someone else again. Not just for a while but for a lifetime.

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Lisa December 17, 2013 at 12:07 pm

I just came across your blog and I really appreciate it. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one having these exact same thoughts. My son was 5 months old when his dad and I divorced. Instead of enjoying my little baby and watching him grow up I was crying and trying to make it through every day. I remember one night my son was on the floor laughing and I sat there crying my eyes out.
I also question having any other children because I never want to go through this again. It was so hard doing it on my own. I don’t want my son to be an only child, but I don’t want to chance ever doing this again.
It’s nice to know I’m not alone. Thank you for your blog!

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