A question about your ex.

by mssinglemama on February 18, 2012

I am at my friend’s house.

We met this summer through another single mother. She is always glowing, with long red hair, bright eyes and an infectious smile. At the time she was married. Now, she is single… she discovered, that after seven years, he was living a double life, having an affair. and, incidentally, another child.

She is pregnant now.

After five months the phone is ringing again. He is calling incessantly. Asking her to take him back. She won’t answer and I am so, so incredibly proud of her. My heart is exploding with hope and awe, both simultaneously, as she embarks on this journey – refusing to buy his lies. Understanding that she and her child trump him and his pathetic ego.

I want to answer the phone and give him a piece of my mind, but I let it ring. I don’t know her well enough yet. I don’t have the authority, but I know what I would say – leave her alone, you spineless, infraction of a man.

How often do you hear from your ex? I asked this question on Facebook recently and it struck a chord. I want to hear your replies here.

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{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }

charity February 18, 2012 at 8:52 pm

I haven’t heard from Talon’s father since he met my boyfriend at Talon’s 2nd birthday party. He actually told me that since Glenn seemed like such a good guy, he was just gonna let him take care of us. It’s been over a year and a half since that conversation. Good riddance!

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SavoredLife February 18, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Now that I have everything going through OFW (OurFamilyWizard®), hardly at all and with less abuse.

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Heather February 18, 2012 at 10:31 pm

My ex lives in Amsterdam (he’s a Dutch national), so it is a little different. My son, now 8.5 years old, and I returned to the US when he was 2. His dad calls sporadically, sometimes going 7+ weeks without a word. He has come to visit 3 times over the past 6.5 years and we were in Europe last summer, so Oliver got to spend a week with his dad, step-mom, step-sister and half-brother.

My ex isn’t a bad guy, just a product of ‘unprocessed’ severe child abuse & abandonment. Oliver told the school psychologist last week during his testing that he misses his dad in his heart, but doesn’t think about him very much.

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EllyV February 18, 2012 at 10:57 pm

I feel so fortunate that once the dust settled and the ugly divorce was finalized, my ex and I were able to go back to just being parents. We have to see each other 5 days/ week and text almost daily, to keep track of who needs what and to be where, so it’s important that we get along -for everyone. I don’t think we’ll ever be friends, and I’m less than ecstatic about his 22-year-old girlfriend playing house with my children (the ex is 33), but it’s a little less awkward each day.

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Sarah February 19, 2012 at 9:24 am

Too much!! We’ve been divorced/separated for 2 years now. He’s still ‘being super dad.’ Holding the one way he can control me over my head. Not being able to move 30 miles up the road closer to work because it’s not in the school district. It’s a temporary move. Oh, but he’s all over you can’t do that. Gonna have to use my whole tax refund on getting a lawyer *sigh*
I wish he’d just back off the perfect father routine. Compromise a little bit.

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Amanda February 19, 2012 at 9:49 am

We share custody and are on fairly good terms. He never says much about our “lost relationship” and how its my fault our daughter won’t have her mom and dad in the same house anymore. He used to make me feel pretty horrible for leaving, but never has seemed to understand the reasons.

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Bruce February 19, 2012 at 1:15 pm

I feel fortunate now. It wasn’t always sunshine and clear skies. It was very difficult since she often put the kids in the middle. I eventually took my children away from their mom who struggled with bad personal choices and alcohol. I don’t have to speak to her anymore releasing her from any financial responsibility. Now my children are grown I have encouraged communication with their mother. I write in a blog inspired by my personal experiences with my Ex and raising my children. http://Www.parentingforsingles.blogspot.com.

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Mike February 19, 2012 at 3:34 pm

I think it’s a healing process to be able to learn how to stand up for ourselves and learn how to let certain individuals like that in our lives go. I think each couple’s breakup is unique in some way and perhaps can be something that makes it the hardest to learn how to let go.

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Nichole February 19, 2012 at 3:40 pm

my son’s father and i talk sporadically, and its never pleasant but he sees his dad every other weekend. his dad flat out refuses to communicate about anything, and being that my son is starting school in August and that means reworking the schedule and pick ups and drop offs, this is going to get interesting.

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Jamo's Mama February 19, 2012 at 5:15 pm

We have something that looks like a 50/50 split. One switch happens during the work day at daycare. The other switch happens face to face. I do the talking, as he has been with me. I don’t get asked any questions. We’re in the process of potty training. I try to email to get feedback as we get into the terrible two’s, with little response. He’s not really interested in being a parent. I’m pretty sure that he loves being a part time father. When he doesn’t have his son, he’s off. That has been made very clear to me. But he is interested portraying the perfect father figure for his new fiancee…. I’m not sure what this is going to look like as we progress. I keep my head up, my home solid, and the communication flowing with all of my son’s caregivers.

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jennill February 19, 2012 at 11:09 pm

My ex will go months without calling. Then just call out the blue and want to chat with ME, doesn’t even ask about his 7 year old daughter!

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keemaya February 20, 2012 at 1:58 am

she is doing rite thing that not answering his phone because when she was pregnant, he was enjoying his on life with another girlfriend and don’t, think or care about his 7 years old daughter. when they need him he is not their so he also deserves the same.

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Farrell February 20, 2012 at 8:37 am

First of all, my heart goes out to your friend. My husband left me when I was 7 months pregnant for another woman and it was the most painful experience. Today however we get along fine, and since we are raising a daughter, we see each other quite a bit and talk often. We are business partners in the business of raising our child. To our daughter though, we are BFFs and for that I have to give each of us a big pat on the back. Thankfully when it was really bad in the beginning, she was too young to know/realize (just a newborn).

As for your friend’s husband/ex, it’s clear it didn’t work out for him with the other girl and that’s why he wants her back. A-hole.

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Jen February 20, 2012 at 12:59 pm

My heart goes out to your friend. there is nothing easy about these situations. i always read your blog to get some inspiration. its comforting to know that there are others out there that are going through all this crap too!
i hear from my ex way more then i should. he is an alcoholic that has nothing to live for but our 3 year old son. for a year i put up with his drunken harassment, texts, phone calls because i knew he wouldn’t remember in the morning. After receiving a phone call from the ER saying that my son had been in a scooter accident with his intoxicated father i put an end to it. it had been almost a year of worrying if our son was safe when he was gone. i kissed his like i hadn’t seen him for months every time he came home from his afternoon with daddy.
now it has been over a month since my son has seen his dad but i get a letter on my doorstep at least every other day ranting about how i took away his son and how he doesn’t have a problem.

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Allison February 20, 2012 at 2:15 pm

We talk/email/text almost daily. We get along so much better now that we are divorced. I also get along with his wife. The terms are simple… She needs to be good to my kids & we will get along just fine. We are not all BFF’s by any means but we do have an open and healthy line of communication involving our children. We co-parent as much as possible & our kids know that they don’t just have to be accountable to us but to their step parents as well. It never gets ugly because we don’t discuss anything other than our children & what is best for them. Our relationship is over. We just need to continue raising healthy & happy kids who don’t have to choose one of us over the other.

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rachael February 20, 2012 at 6:18 pm

he used to call often. then he met his fiancé. we saw him four times last year because of his pending marriage. she broke it off and he moved back. NOW, he calls all of the time. i guess he thinks i’m a fall back girl.. but he is way back in the past to me.

xo

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Chris R February 21, 2012 at 1:12 am

I have to agree with other people and start by saying my heart goes out to your friend. As a single dad who post on this site here and there I step lightly cause i know I’m seal in shark waters.. (JK)

But after my ex filed and i moved out i see our daughter who is 3 every wed and every other weekend. I talk to her mom pretty much only then. We txt or email basic things but thats it. I know every story is different so if your reading comments just read them, you never have to follow any. Some people talk all the time, some never hear form their Ex’s again…

It different for every single couple. I do hope that yes if there is a child the parents can at least be there for the child(n). But like i said every story is different…

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Stac February 21, 2012 at 9:11 am

Going on two years since my son has seen him. We’ve run into him in public a few times, times which he pretends he doesn’t see us. I haven’t received child support since August. He lives less than a mile away, but our lives are so different it’s like he’s in a different country (except those times he sees us in restuarants and runs the other way).

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Rebecca February 21, 2012 at 11:06 am

My ex recently moved in with his new girlfriend and her daughter. I have noticed that since he has been with her he contacts me every day about stupid stuff. He will send me a funny text or call to let me know how his day went, but the texts are very rarely about my son. I’m not sure why he is doing this since I have tried to make it clear I don’t really care. When we were going through the divorce, he choose to give up custody of my son, who is now 2. He has visitation but really only sees him once or twice a month by his choice. I am starting to wonder if he actually is feeling guilty about everything that happened now that he is living with a child and is taking care of someone else s child instead of taking care of his own. I try not to text him back or engage in conversation with him except for when he comes to see my son.

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Erin Marie February 22, 2012 at 12:59 am

My ex moved across the country after loosing custody of our daughter and getting supervised visits. He hasnt seen her since June of 2009. I tried to encourage a relationship with him and her. I even created a facebook only he could see and snapped a pic of her a day so that he could see how she grew and the things that she did so they would have something to talk about on the phone. I understand it could be difficult to maintain a relationship with a 3 year old solely through the phone. I attempted to create a skype account for the two, but he rejected these attempts. Soon his calls became less frequent.

Last she talked to him was last father’s day when she called him. They talked for 2 minutes and he ended the call. He seems to have started a new life apart from her- and HE is the one missing out. She struggles with not having a man in her life to call “dad”, but her grandpa and uncles have stepped in with a heavy hand to make sure that she has ample attention of the fatherly kind. I make sure that we keep the focus on what she does have, rather than what she doesnt and this helps in “those” moments after a period of validation and sympathy to help her grieve her loss.

As for me, I try not to communicate with him unless it is in regards to her. Although this was not an easy task at first when my feelings were more raw and I wanted to talk things through. I learned that the best response to my bi-polar ex husband was no response at all. I did not try to defend myself against the allegations or lies he told. I learned that in time, the truth always surfaces. And as for my feelings of attachment, they have sorted themselves out and are manageable if not indifferent completely.

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Jennifer February 22, 2012 at 12:28 pm

My ex broke up with me knowing I was likely pregnant and I took the pregnancy test a week later. He was supportive at first, but wanted me to quit my job and move a thousand miles away from here for him. I couldn’t do it knowing how he really felt about us after the breakup. I knew a child wouldn’t resolve our issues.

He eventually quit his dream job and went back to his home country. Except for harassing me about our phone plan, I never heard from him again.

I dread explaining his absence to our child and only hope for the best.

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Amy February 22, 2012 at 2:33 pm

My ex has declared that “I (meaning me, the Mom) am not ready to communicate over the phone” and so we stupidly email or text. It’s been three years since he moved out. What a complete ass.

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Momma Sunshine February 23, 2012 at 6:04 am

My ex and I talk pretty much every day. We communicate most often via email, about things related to our daughters. We discuss how they’re feeling, if they’re going through anything emotional, what’s happening at school, stuff like that. We speak on the phone several times a week and usually a couple of times in person (as the girls go back and forth between our two houses). We have a rare and good relationship. We are able to work as a team for the best interests of our children. We may not be together anymore, but we will always be their parents.

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Sascha February 23, 2012 at 8:41 am

We broke up July`09 after 8yrs of relationship and engagement. We planned having a child and so we did end of`08 but things changed dramatically when she was born,- well it really started during pregnancy.
Sometimes it felt as if he was jealous on his own daughter who, obviously, gets all the attention she needs and that life in general changed (you cant go out all the time anymore; you cant plan sth just for yourself- you re a family now…the day to day routine is different).
He works in a pub, mainly nightshifts (he is Irish, living in Germany-where I m from-) and he loves his work (and the drink :-( so much that he started neglecting us- till we ended our relationship (by this point I was sure that he has a problem with drink, which he always denied).
Till Aug`10 he met our daughter once a wke and it always seemed as if it`s enough for him to be a “2-hour-dad” not really interested in her but showing others “look at me. I`m a dad now!”. He also never took her by himself- always with at least 1 mate around him (that he had a terrible childhood- unprocessed severe child abuse & abandonment included might have sth to do with his behavior?). I noticed things like not changing nappies or feeding her in time, not offering sth to drink and so on which made it harder and harder for me to trust him having our daughter by himself.
He started canceling meetings (1 min. before we were ment to meet :-/ or not at all- or a day later :-/ I found out that it was mainly because he was out partying the night before and now hangover) and I got so sick of it all that I went to the youth welfare office and I wanted set times and scheduled contact.
He didnt show up the 1st time and months later the 2nd time, Feb.`11, he was asked to do a drugs-test (because I heard from friends that they still love to party a lot till the early morning times nearly every day after work and that also other substances than alcohol are consumed). He didnt do the test for 3 months bringing up silly excuses and I had enough, telling the lady from the youth welfare office she should close my file and tell him that I`m not interested in private contact with him anymore- I would feel as if he`s taking the mickey out of me (I forgot to mention that he stalked me, mainly when he was drunk, and accused me of things, calling me bad names and so on-I had to change numbers, emails aso and my lawyer had to tell him not to come near my house anymore otherwise I d call the police- which really made me think once again: do you think your daughter will be safe with him?).
If he would like to meet his daughter he can go see a lawyer and we deal with it that way. I would want supervised visits because our daughter didnt see him for nearly 2 years now (she is 3.5 yrs. old now).
But I have no desire meeting him or talking to him anymore because he will come up with his usual lame excuses and start silly arguments and I m doing so good at the moment, seeing a therapist who helped me a lot to handle all the crap what happened.
I havent heard from him since Feb`11.

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Barnett February 26, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Personally for me its once a year…

We have to remember our ex is an EX for a reason, for It maybe wise to let the past be the past.

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singleslikeus February 28, 2012 at 12:33 am

My ex calls me every now and then. I think you can talk to your ex if you are not currently involve with no one and you are both mature and want at friendship.

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Tess March 1, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I totally feel for your friend. Going through a pregnacy without a partner is no picnic. My ex unexpectedly filed for divorce when I was 7 months along. One of the best decisions I made was to give my son my last name (his dads last name is his 2nd middle name). Like your friend, I had so little say in the path my ex had choosen for us and this was one decision I did get to make. Once the divorce is final I will have my madian name back for keeps and my son and I will share a last name. Just something you friend may want to consider. I’d also recommend she only communicate via email for very important non emotional reasons. Other than pleasentries at exchange time my ex and I email maybe one a month and usually it’s a health/developmental update about our son.

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Karen March 10, 2012 at 1:28 pm

My ex and I talk a few times a week, and I have to insist the topic stay about our 8 year old son. We’ve been apart for 7 years, unfortunately due to the fact that my ex has addiction and mental illness related issues, which strangely seemed to surface when our son was born. It wouldn’t bother me if I never spoke to him again, but my son does want to see him, so I make an effort to get along and facilitate their visits. If I was to keep them apart, I feel my son would hate me someday down the road. I’m concerned for the day when he learns the truth about his dad, but as long as he’s happy (and safe) now, they can see each other. But I know that someday I’ll have to pick up the pieces….not looking forward to that time!

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Single Mama 2 March 11, 2012 at 6:13 am

My daughter used to have severe emotional arouse each time after seeing the father. I was quite disturb to see her sobbing none for hours. However recently he seems given on seeing the daughter, which is fine with me, at least for the time being.

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KLD March 11, 2012 at 12:03 pm

I left my ex-husband 1 year ago (almost to the day today) when my boy/girl twins were 4 mos old. I knew at that point we wouldn’t be together for the long haul so I figured that my kids would benefit more if their earliest memories were of daddy and mommy living separate lives. It was a sad, albeit amicable break. He is a happy-go-lucky sort who accepts things and moves on. At first I insisted he take them every weekend but he was clearly unhappy doing that and his home was not conducive to active twin toddlers (a tiny, cramped, damp basement apartment). He didn’t do anything fun or active with them either. They would just sit around watching TV, whining and climbing the walls. He asked for some time off so I gave him that.

He hadn’t seen them in about 3 weeks when he dropped by for a short visit. The kids, now 16 mos, were so excited to see him and so heartbroken when he left that I have asked him to start a regular sched with them again. I won’t let them sleep at or hang out in his crappy apartment but he promises he will take them for a day every other weekend and spend fun times with them at the park, at indoor playgrounds, etc.

I am worried about the future: will he be around? He has already begged off next weekend and made it clear that he will be busy for the entire month of May. Will there always be a thread of heartbreak in their tiny bodies in relation to him? I hope not. I can’t stand the thought of that. K

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SoloMom March 14, 2012 at 12:03 am

My babies “Sperm Donor” and I were dating when I found out I was accidentally pregnant while using birth control. (I’m 42 with a 10 month old) As soon as I told him he turned evil, told me to get an abortion, or “Sell the baby to a deserving couple and make 8 to 10 grand”. Man, if I would not have been so shell shocked I would have told him that “MY BABY” will be worth far more than that. And she is…Priceless! He has never seen her, and my attempts to forge a relationship with his family (I have no family here) have failed. He is a self employed auto mechanic, works out of his 83 yo. mother’s garage, has no house/car, etc. My wee one has an Uncle (her dad’s twin brother), and two Aunts, also some cousins. However, what I see of them (pics on FB) scares me, now that I have gotten over the HURT and ANGER of basically having my wonderful daughter dismissed. It still hurts! Oh not for me… I’ve come to terms with the 24/7 morning sickness, the loosing 30 lbs. and having to be hospitalized at 4 1/2 mos. pregnant, the constant worry & stress, and the whole time wishing delusionally that HE would show up and tell me everything would be ok. I worry now about what story to tell my daughter when she is old enough to ask, and I still think about trying to contact his Sisters to beg some pictures… someday I’d really love to show my baby girl a few photos of her Daddy as a kid, and in school, etc. Planning to move soon, back to the Midwest. It’s hard to think of giving up California weather, but having family nearby will be so much better for my baby girl as she grows up! Best of luck to all, I just found this blog and am enjoying reading it.

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Layla April 15, 2012 at 3:48 am

I have an alomost exact situation, I’m 45 with a 17 month old son.

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Awakening March 14, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Hi Mama!
I’ve got the quote for you…it’s “You spineless, little fraction of a man.” It’s said by Nicole Kidman in Far and Away to a factory boss I believe :)

Also: I hear from my ex way too much. No matter how much I try to keep the conversation strictly about our son, he works hard to expand the conversation. I feel like every interaction is one that I need to put on a hazmat suiting and keep myself safe from the toxic fumes.

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Bid March 29, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I stumble upon your blog in the early hours of my day.
Awoke to email from my ex… He has a girlfriend now so he says… He doesn’t know what that means, he doesn’t know what he wants…
This he tells me why? You see he said that to me for 15 years…. As I raised the boy, fought the dreams and hoped the hopes..

Please answer the phone,no wait… Call him and say, and leave her alone too, you spineless fraction of a man..

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Doris March 30, 2012 at 11:07 am

I am Doris,from what I can read. It has been sad news and scam to everyone about Voodoo casters or so. But to me they are so real cause one worked for me not quite two weeks.i met this man on a blog his name is MERUJA OWO is a very powerful man.I traveled down to where his shrine his and we both did the ritual and sacrifice.he had no website site, and now me and my ex are living very ok now.I don’t know about you but Voodoo is real;love marriage,finance, job promotion ,lottery Voodoo,poker voodoo,golf Voodoo,Law & Court case Spells,money voodoo,weigh loss voodoo,diabetic voodoo,hypertensive voodoo,high cholesterol voodoo,Trouble in marriage,Barrenness(need a child),Luck, Money Spells,it’s all he does. I used my money to purchase everything he used he never collected a dime from. He told me I can repay him anytime with anything from my heart. Now I don’t know how to do that. If you can help or you need his help write him on (nativedoctor101@live.com) i belive that your story will change,or if you have any question you can contact me here as dorispinto101@yahoo.com Thank you.

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Sparkle April 17, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Sigh…. and sigh again…

I too wish my ex would crawl under a rock somewhere and stay there as he is the most useless excuse for an ex-husband/father. He was that way while married to me (why didn’t I see it????!), and nothing has changed since the impending divorce. Oh granted he tried to “woo” me after I broke the news that I filed, but I counted it out… wait for it….. he only lasted a week and a half on “good” behavior before returning to his old ways.

I have a 10 yr old, 4 yr old, & 2 yr old who love their father and are not old enough yet to see the BS. (I hope by the time they get a bit older he gets it together!!)

Now I receive daily texts asking why I won’t um… give it… uh yea. Can we ask about the kids? See if they need anything? Offer $$ to fix the van that was wrecked before you bought yourself a new stud mobile? No??? Then leave me the hell alone.

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jeannet June 2, 2012 at 6:14 pm

I am jeannet used every single spell worker on the internet, spent untold amounts of money and discovered they are all fakes…i was the fool though; doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. In the end, I decided that I wanted a tarot reading to know what my future held for me; I contacted a woman who lives locally to me and she told me about a man named (priests jagaban); he does not advertise on the internet, has another job for income, has no set prices, makes no false promises and refuses to help anyone that cannot be helped and even helps for free sometimes, he will give you proof before taking money. He is a wonderful man and he was the only person who actually gave me real results. I really hope he doesn’t mind me advertising his contact on the internet but I’m sure any help/ extra work will benefit him.contact him as jagabansukia101@gmail.com He travel sometimes.love marriage,finance, job promotion ,lottery Voodoo,poker voodoo,golf Voodoo,Law & Court case Spells,money voodoo,weigh loss voodoo,any sicknesses voodoo,Trouble in marriage,it’s all he does Hope this helps everyone that is in a desperate situation as I once was; I know how it feels to hold onto something and never have a chance to move on because of the false promises and then to feel trapped in wanting something more.

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anton August 6, 2012 at 4:12 pm

I really love this one..Looking for partners? Why don’t you try this site? http://1mate.org/

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Mrs Leisha September 16, 2012 at 12:40 am

What a beautiful and wonderful testimony some time things you don’t believe can just happen.
My name is Mrs Leisha from U.S.A am 25 years old i got married at the age of 23 i have only one child and i was living happily .After one year of my marriage my husband behavior became so strange and i don’t really understand what was going on, he packed out of the house to another woman i love him so much that i never dream’s of losing him, i try my possible best to make sure that my husband get back to me but all to no avail i cry and i cry seeking for help i discussed it with my best friend and she promise to help me he told me of a man called I CAN DO he is a very great man and a real man that can be trusted and there is nothing concerning love issues he cannot do that is why they call him I CAN DO. I contacted his email address at (ICANDOSHRINETEMLE@GMAIL.COM) And i told him everything that happen all he told me is that i should not worry that all my problems will be solved immediately. He told me what to do to get my husband back and i did, he said after 3days my husband will come back to me and start begging, it really happen i was very surprise and very, very happy our relationship was now very tight and we both live happily again.
So my advice for you now is to contact this same email address (ICANDOSHRINETEMPLE@GMAIL.COM) if you are in any kind of situation concerning love issues and any other things that give you problems.
THANKS..

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rick October 1, 2012 at 9:58 am

rick

This is rick. I’m the one whose fiancee left a week before our wedding to be with another man. I was desperate to get her back when I found you. Dr ogogoro I tried 4 other people to do a spell to get her back and nothing worked. I was still alone and out thousands of dollars. Then I found you and everything changed. 2 weeks after you did the spell she called and started texting me again. A day after that we got together for coffee. A few days later we were dating again. That was a few months ago. Last week she moved back in and the wedding is back on. I just can’t thank you enough Dr ogogro! You are the best. You brought my soul mate, my best friend and the love of my life back to me. I am eternally grateful to you!DR ogogoro of ogogorotemple@yahoo.com

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