The end (again)

by mssinglemama on June 15, 2011

Trust must come before love and love can’t survive without trust.

I felt absolutely certain I could love him again. I tried to forget. I felt that I could conquer the past. But I couldn’t. And something was missing. The trust? The original love we had? I wasn’t sure, but being so unsure, standing on such shaky ground was enough. I was even having nightmares about him breaking up with me again, telling me “this just wasn’t working.” I would wake up in a terrible mood and try to explain, but he couldn’t calm my fears. His words weren’t enough.

This time the end was my decision and it came after weeks and weeks of silent thoughts in my head. I tried to share them with him, but realized that I had to either a) accept the past and completely move on in order to love him as he loved us or b) end the relationship because I owed that much to all three of us.

In the end the voices and the dreams won and John and I’s relationship lost.

Benjamin is spending this week at his father’s, next week in Montana with me, and then another week at his father’s. I haven’t told him yet, but this entire time John has been re-introduced as a “friend” only. I’m confident all three of us will survive and be just fine.

It won’t be easy being a 100% single mom again, but managing a relationship on top of everything else seemed more challenging at times than operating solo. So, for now, I’m retiring my hat on relationships for a while and just focusing on the relationship that matters most – my relationship with Benjamin. And I’m incredibly happy about that. We’re right were we need to be. There’s no sense in fixing something that isn’t broken.

I’m sorry I have been so silent lately, but now you know why. Please don’t lose faith in relationships or recovering broken relationships. There is hope, I just wasn’t strong enough to overcome the past and at the end of the day John and I’s foundation was not strong enough.

Related posts:

  1. A Man Moratorium
  2. A very good question.
  3. Work
  4. Love and rear view mirrors.
  5. One step back…two steps forward?

{ 62 comments… read them below or add one }

Barbara L June 15, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Thank you for opening your heart to all of us and showing us that it is indeed okay to be human and admit that we don’t always know the answers. Life is never a straight path but it always a beautiful one with much wisdom to share with us.

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Sharri June 15, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Thinking of you. We have to try in order to move ahead. Take good care.

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SavoredLife June 15, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Relationships are WORK. They are heartbreak and patchwork. We are wounded, we heal…sometimes we recover, other times we do not.

I can attest that the past six months of my own relationship has been a TRUE test of what OUR love is made of. It’s not been easy by any stretch of the word, but while it has solidified Romeo and I’s relationship, it has in turn released me from a tremendous amount of baggage I carried from previous ones. I’ve wanted to walk on more than one occasion because of fears/unknown insecurities WITHIN ME and difficult situations, and well, hell, it’s easier to exit than stay and fight (cuz that’s when all of our OWN ugliness is exposed. :P )

You guys know your own situation and if parting ways is what is best, then “yay” for the strength to admit that. If it’s a situation of getting out before there is any more “heat”, you’re actually selling yourself short… don’t let fear sabotage something potentially AMAZING. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget (though wouldn’t that be swell?), it means you accept the other person for who they are, and the mistakes we all make along the way in life. Only YOU know if it’s worth it or not.

Regardless, much love to you all and may what’s meant to be…be. :D
xo

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Steve June 15, 2011 at 10:01 pm

I think you forgot a cliche’ or two…

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mssinglemama June 16, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Be nice, Steve! ; ) I hear you Savored Life. But, in our case – I felt I did give it 110%, that we both did and it was work, no doubt… however, there wasn’t a strong enough foundation to stand on. And at the end of the day we just had too many differences. Thank you though and SO happy things are going well for you and Romeo.

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SavoredLife June 16, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Oh Steve, at the very least…

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Sheila June 15, 2011 at 8:57 pm

I’m sorry to hear this. Best wishes to you Benjamin, friend.

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Steve June 15, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Good to hear you could end the relationship without it turning into something even more dramatic than it needs to be.

There is something sort of odd about a relationship that gets back together after a break up. I’ve never done it, but I’d imagine it’s more about utility and convenience than anything else. But that’s me.

I’m sure Benjamin will be cool with this change. He was cool with the change last time.

Don’t avoid repainting your room, or shopping for new stuff, or whatever you do to cope. Can’t wait to hear from you on that!

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mssinglemama June 16, 2011 at 12:50 pm

This was my first time attempting a reconcile after a break up. Definitely very, very difficult. Thanks for your nice thoughts and I will definitely keep you up to date on all of my newly single activities.

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jen June 15, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Awwww.

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Christina June 15, 2011 at 10:37 pm

Thank you for sharing with your readers what you have been through. I actually ended a relationship today for very similar reasons as yours, so I found your post quite time and very encouraging.

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mssinglemama June 16, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Glad it could help, Christina. Good luck! And stand by your decision.

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jen June 15, 2011 at 10:57 pm

I’m really sorry to read this. I had my fingers crossed for you three.

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Melissa June 16, 2011 at 12:20 am

Best wishes to you and Benjamin. I know you’ll be fine and you will enjoy this alone time together.

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amy June 16, 2011 at 12:29 am

So sorry to hear dear Ms SM… But good for you for deciding what is best for you and B long term… At the risk of sounding CLIQUE you really do have to go with your gut..

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Valerie June 16, 2011 at 2:18 am

I have a saying by Marilyn Monroe framed in my house…. “Sometimes good things fall apart for better things to fall together”

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mssinglemama June 16, 2011 at 12:51 pm

LOVE this.

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Valerie June 16, 2011 at 2:12 pm

I got my framed saying at Kirklands, but I’m not sure they have it anymore. I found this on Amazon…. Chin up. :)
http://www.amazon.com/Sometimes-things-together-Marilyn-sayings/dp/B004UI01D4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&m=A2TRH4G0UJM4XI&s=generic&qid=1308247618&sr=1-1

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Karissa June 16, 2011 at 3:51 am

Having recently gone through something similar, I feel you. Do not forget to breathe deep, feel gratitude, and ask for help if you need to. I am on my third counsellor and I think I am getting better.

xo

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Mina June 16, 2011 at 6:04 am

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down but I am sure that something wonderful will happen for you very soon; I just know it will.
Wishing you the very best.

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Momma Sunshine June 16, 2011 at 6:52 am

Relationships are tough work. Sorry things didn’t work out. Hopefully you will both come away from this experience with lessons that will make whatever relationship you eventually find yourself in much better and stronger.

*hugs*

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Star June 16, 2011 at 7:50 am

I completely understand your decision. I would have a VERY hard time trusting after someone made the choice to walk away from me and mine…people make decisions based on their priorities and deep seated beliefs. If he was ok with getting in deep with you despite his reservations…thought it was ok to take that risk with Benjamin’s heart, then felt it was ok to just walk away…then no matter what his words say…you have to question whether his core beliefs and your own really match up. My love messed up too and made a decision that wouldn’t go along with my core beliefs but he came back from it in a way where I have NEVER doubted him again and everything else I see about how he lives his life and the decisions he makes all show me that this one time thing was not in line with who he is. If you doubt that then I would also end it. You need to feel completely safe in every way for the future to work. Doubt and mistrust kills a relationship. Whether it ends up being founded or not. I just tend to think that in the end…you do know what’s up and you end up being completely right in your mistrust. Stay strong. Your prince will come.

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GoldenGirl June 16, 2011 at 9:54 am

I am so very sorry to hear your news, but thank you for sharing. My thoughts and prays are with you and Benjamin and wish you both the best.

If it’s anything I’ve learnt from being a single mom, we are way more in tact with our instincts and therefore we should follow them. If something tells you it’s not right and it’s wrong then as any normal humane being and mother, it’s only natural to listen.

All the best!

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Elza April 1, 2014 at 3:57 pm

This poinstg knocked my socks off

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Kate June 16, 2011 at 9:57 am

“The best thing for being sad,” replied Merlyn, beginning to puff and blow, “is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder in your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewer of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then—to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it.” From – The Book of Merlyn, T. H. White

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mssinglemama June 16, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Love this. Thank you!

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Jen June 17, 2011 at 11:51 pm

I second that! This is great…and so true! Thanks!!!

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Katherine June 16, 2011 at 10:08 am

I am sorry you are going through this, but I am happy to hear that you are making it through. I think you did what was best for you and Benjamin…even though I’m sure your heart is breaking. I’m here for you and I know you will make it through this as strong, smart, and beautiful as ever. In the meantime..you have the best man of all in your life already..your son :)

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lkt June 16, 2011 at 10:18 am

It sounds like you really know what you are doing. I don’t think (even though I don’t know you) that you are letting your fears or insecurities sabotage your relationship, it sounds like John did not possess the qualities or chemistry or whatever it is–that you need in a realtionship in the long run. It ended so abruptly the first time, it is good you gave it another chance. When you are a single parent your child learns that not all realtionships end up being forever. As long as you handle it responsibly and with dignity as you seem to do that is not such a bad life lesson for a kid to learn.

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Jamie June 16, 2011 at 11:46 am

I am proud of you for doing what you had to for YOU and your little boy!! What part of Montana are you coming to? I live in the western part of the state but would LOVE to meet you! You can email me at kenwy04@hotmail.com. You are an amazing mother, and will meet that right one for you. You are such an inspiration to me. Thank you.

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mssinglemama June 16, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Jamie, we will be in Missoula!

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Jamie June 17, 2011 at 11:35 am

I live in Missoula!!! How can we hook up, meet, you see my thriving kiddos??? Amazing!!

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missmeinMN June 16, 2011 at 12:31 pm

I am sorry to hear about you and john bear, but your heart always is louder than life itself. i myself am dealing with similar demons as a single mom and your words and strength gives me a new perspective, so i thank you. you and benjamin will be just fine and time heals all wounds. cliche, i know, but it’s the truth. take care and stay strong.

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Melissa June 16, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Great read…Its Called a Breakup Because its Broken. Even better read…Better Single then Sorry. I keep that one on my desk at home at all times! We have all been in a similar state. Right now, just focus on being the BEST mom you can be. Who needs the rest? Your life is as full as it needs to be right now! Go with it! Last night, I sat on the floor while my son taught me a new card game. As we were playing…I thought to myself…”you know, self, this is just right. Who needs anything more than what is right here?” In that moment, I knew to my soul…I must be doing something right. Good luck to you!

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Liz June 16, 2011 at 4:53 pm

I’m so sorry. {hugs}

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Susan June 16, 2011 at 8:25 pm

So sorry that you’re going through this, but thank you for sharing it with us. Wishing you much happiness in your newly single life. Fortunately happiness isn’t reserved for people in relationships.

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Glenda June 17, 2011 at 12:55 am

Sorry to hear of your breakup with John. At least you gave the relationship a second chance. You took the chance and in the end it wasn’t solid so you followed your instinct. You just know! Best of luck for the future and what it may hold for you and B. I’m sure it hurts but it will make you that much stronger.

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Steph June 17, 2011 at 12:03 pm

I am very sorry it didn’t work out but well done for giving it another try, i think that was a brave thing to do.

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katie Graham June 17, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Sorry for the drama.

Going forward, it’s not “John and I’s relationship,” it’s “my relationship with John” or even John and my relationship. But “I’s” is not correct.

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Farrell June 17, 2011 at 2:18 pm

I don’t even know you or your boyfriend, but I am sad. Because breaking up is hard to do, that’s why. But props to you for not willing to settle for less, and relationships DO bring complications that just do not occur when you’re on your own. (they can also bring benefits as well, obv.)

Hang in there.

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Amanda June 17, 2011 at 7:03 pm

It is John’s and my relationship, not John and I’s relationship. You wouldn’t say “I is” and when I is possessing something, it becomes my. You are a good writer but I just can’t get past this grammar flaw!

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Clarrisa June 20, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Thank you for the Grammar 101 lesson. I’m glad you feel SO much better…

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katie Graham June 17, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Amanda, thanks – that’s what I was trying to say above.

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Rosalyn June 18, 2011 at 12:15 am

Thank you for sharing your life and heart…..you inspire, help keep me positive and hopeful <3

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Sassy Single Mom June 19, 2011 at 11:16 am

I am sorry to hear this as well. We can certainly feel your sadness.

But, I agree with the others – at least now you will KNOW that you tried everything and hopefully it will silence any gnawing feelings you might have had previously. It’s quite possible for us to love someone and NOT be with them … I’m sure you will always carry a deep love and appreciation for one another and what you shared. Hopefully, that will help you make it through this bit of rough patch …

Take care of you …

Here’s to you and Benjamin – the dynamic duo rides again! ;)

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Wendee June 19, 2011 at 8:16 pm

What a strange bit of serendipity brought me to your blog… I read it a few times years back when you first met John Bear and on a whim I thought to myself, I wonder what is happening with Ms Single Mama and John Bear (possibly because my ex-bf who I dated 2.5 years and broke up with one another a few times, JUST texted me out of the blue asking for $40 and I’m like – you are a grown man! Manage your finances! Sheesh… and ironically this relates to your previous post too – another bit of positive serendipity, but I digress), So… I am so sorry to hear of the breakup and let me tell ya, I feel you… I had the same thing with the not trusting him once he broke up with me after the first year, and then we tried, we even got engaged last Dec and then I broke it off a couple weeks later). I’m a single mama too, and I am going to dig in and read some more of your advice and wisdom – and yes you do have some still – we all do! It’s just interesting to see what others go through and not feel so alone.

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eb June 19, 2011 at 8:33 pm

i’m proud of you and i don’t even know you. best wishes always for you and your boy. looking forward to reading about your new beginnings.

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April June 19, 2011 at 9:40 pm

I’m not sorry to hear this. I’m actually glad, because you’ve made a good and healthy decision for all three of you instead of continuing on as if nothing were bothering you. So good for you, your a strong woman and you know whats best for you and Ben. And I agree that you guys will all be fine as friends.
Looking forward to new adventures.

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rachael June 19, 2011 at 11:31 pm

ah, i wish i was as strong as you were to walk away. i’m going through this same thing right now. however, he broke up with me. i took 4 years off from dating after i had my son (who just turned 4) and this man was the first guy i really dated. it sucks.. especially being a single mom. sometimes there isn’t enough time in the day to mend your heart as well as do your mama duties. kudos to this post. so

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Erin June 20, 2011 at 6:09 pm

I’m sorry, but your blog has been very contradictory as of late. I think you try and lure us in with vague allusions to trust, love, etc etc etc….but to be honest I think you need to take some time off and focus on being a mother and professional and leave your romances at the door. There are lots of us who single parent and put our kids first simply to avoid situations like this. Not saying that is right to do forever, but it wouldn’t hurt you for now. Being in love is wonderful, but being a mom and professional is too.

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Jaxe June 21, 2011 at 10:22 am

really sorry, and surprised to hear that. but, hey, you’re swinging single again! Welcome to the real party (:

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Alice X June 21, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Despite the hard decision, i think you did the right thing. It’s only fair to both of you, if you would have stayed together the past would become the elephant in the room. I hope you are ok. x
Guys Boys & Men

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Tracey June 21, 2011 at 4:33 pm

I just came across your blog and was moved by how honest and authentic your words are.

I’m sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time and hope you heal quickly. It sounds like you are on the right path and soon you will be back to yourself.

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Jennifer Stropoli June 21, 2011 at 11:40 pm

I’m sorry. I have to say I can relate to you. I’ve been through this and have felt what you are feeling. My son is now 13 and we have survived. We are very close. My son does not know his biological father. He knows of him but has never met him. I did remarry again in 2005 and we all lived together for a couple of years till I pulled the plug on it. I don’t regret marrying again and trying but in the end it was not the right fit for us.
When you say how it won’t be easy being a single mom again all by yourself but at the same time it’s refreshing and feels good to have that again – I have felt that each time I have endured a failed marriage or relationship. I’m happy that none of the relationships worked out b/c they allowed me to grow each time, taking away a lesson. However, my son truly wants a friend. He requested last spring that I meet someone. I tried and failed or maybe the men failed or maybe it still isn’t my right time or a mix of all this. I still hold hope that I will meet my best friend and he will be my son’s best friend. I have never lost that hope. But I do feel more at ease now doing it on my own. I’m not wishing as hard for that to happen. When and if it does – great. I’m sure it will. I just hate the fact I couldn’t have given my son what he wants – a friend. My son, as is Benjamin, is not short on love. So keep on loving him immensley and nothing else will really matter. A mother’s love is priceless. Your time and guidance and affection shown to Benjamin is greater than anything or anyone else. For you, someday, you will have your man but until then you ride the wave of life. I promise it will all work out. I’m still standing and so will you.

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Jennifer Stropoli June 22, 2011 at 12:32 am
butterfly2010 June 28, 2011 at 12:07 pm

First time posting, but have read your blog on several occaisons.

You are so inspiring. I am sorry for your break-up, but admire your courage to figure out what your emotional needs are, and what is best for you.

I’m also sad. lol I had found hope in you and John’s story with my own relationship… I actually just posted on your forum. My situation is different in that no one has actually broken up with the other… plans just came to a dead halt. :-/

I love your blog, and had to post. Hugs to you and Benjamin, and good wishes to you.

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Michelini June 29, 2011 at 12:04 am

The end??? I don’t think so… my forecast: It depends all on John the bear, if he plays well his cards this situation will only spur a stronger bond between you two. All the drama and the hardship you guys are going trough could be wonderful for romance if used correctly!

Don’t disapoint me John the bear! Be a true seducer!!!!!

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fairydust June 29, 2011 at 9:22 pm

First time posting to your blog or any blog….I actually am having some thoughts concerning my own relationship and as I have read through the stories you have so generously shared, it fills me with hope and joy to know that I am not alone. I am aware that there are other single moms BUT I don’t know them.
Thank you so so so much for sharing parts of your life. I have a four year old son as well and am having some concerns about my own relationship and reading through your blog I have found that I am not alone in my concerns and situations. we actually share very similar stories, fears, joys, and blessings regarding being a single mom and dating.
I am trying to figure out what the best thing to do for me and my son as well in regards to my relationship with my boyfriend. It’s difficult.

I wish you the best for you and your son. I hope everything works out and you find peace and comfort.

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Eli July 1, 2011 at 9:37 pm

I’m sorry to hear about your break-up. It’s tough, especially after being so close to marriage and having your son involved. In my case it was my two young kiddo’s. After a year and a half….we’re alone again. A little broken and bruised once again. It’s difficult…

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Jeannine July 18, 2011 at 4:23 am

If you keep looking in the rear view mirror eventually you’ll crash. Remember what you wrote in “The Secret to Love”…A game of chase. And so it begins…I believe you get back to together with John.

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Darla July 28, 2011 at 1:59 pm

I am here to ask a question…I just broke up with my boyfriend and we had tried living with each other since January. It just didn’t work, and he could not understand the boundaries I felt were needed for his parenting my 7 year old. He wanted to be able to discipline but at times I just could not hadle it. We left his house (he just bought it in January and we very much part of the choosing of this house) on Monday and last night my son was very sad because he asked if he could continue seeing Mike and if this meant that Mike is not his dad. My son is very sensitive and I only allowed him to meet after a long period of dating. I don’t know what is healthy should it be cut off completely or should I allow him to call my ex and hang out every couple of month? So lost and confused and feeling so bad that he felt this man was his dad. His bio dad is not in the picture at all….any advice would be great!

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