Silence is golden.

by mssinglemama on March 28, 2011

I have mastered a few things in the past three months.

One is making fantastic salads. Absolutely riveting, delicious salads that manage to wake me up and take my mind away from everything spinning inside.

Sometime before Christmas while in the midst of the worst sinus infection I’ve ever had I eliminated gluten from my diet. Within weeks my body completely corrected 90% of its ailments. Suddenly, after years of dreading every meal because of the feeling in my stomach afterward I no longer had what the doctors always called a “mild case of IBS”. And my sinuses cleared up within just a few days. I also discovered that I wasn’t lactose intolerant at all. So another thing I have mastered is vegging on the couch with giant bowls of ice cream.

Heavenly. And because I can’t eat any wheat-based anything I can eat as much as I want without gaining a pound.

Tonight I added Tilapia to my salad with some shrimp and basil. Chick peas were also in the mix along with some sweet onions. I sat down at the table by myself. Benjamin was occupied with watching his evening TV show and I was enjoying my moment of  peace and quiet. I sat at the head of the table and started to eat. Alone. Another thing I’ve mastered. Eating solo without caring about the neighbors or anyone walking by. At first I thought I should shut my curtains, but blocking out the sun and the view would make me feel even worse.

So, on the nights when Benjamin doesn’t join me. I am there. In plain sight of anyone walking by. Eating dinner by myself. What I have not mastered is being content in this act and not letting my mind or my eyes wander over to his empty seat.

I miss him so badly. I miss his presence. This is our house, it was our house. I still catch myself using “we” instead of “I” when talking about the house or the past.

Overcome suddenly with loneliness and all of these thoughts I feel tears sneaking up on my and my throat buckles. The salad isn’t even enough to keep it all at bay tonight.

This isn’t how it was supposed to be, I think. He is supposed to be here.

I wonder if I should have talked it through with him on Christmas, if I should have brushed this all under the rug and then I remember that you can’t brush anything under anything. You can’t lie to each other or to yourself. Or, am I just talking myself into something? How do you know?

I’m also shocked that three months later, I still feel so intensely about this. That even though we were only together of a year and a half that I managed to sink myself so far and deep into a committed relationship, one I did not think would end under any circumstances unless one of us was six feet under. I am proud of myself for riding this through without dating or doing drugs or smoking again. This is a first for me. I am letting my grief run its course without diving into another relationship. I am committed to myself this time and to unearthing the cause of it all. I have a feeling though that Spring will speed things up and I’m excited fo

I finish my salad because I can hear the end of Benjamin’s TV show and his little voice, “Mommmmm? Mommmmm?”
My absence in writing here has been somewhat intentional.

I can’t say it is 100% intentional because I didn’t consciously say, “I’m not going to write for a while.” It just happened and then something started happening and I am now opting to keep a lid on it.

Why? Because I have discovered that I am completely and absolutely influenced by the opinions of others. I have always been this way but until recently didn’t realize how easily it is for someone, typically people I hold in high esteem, to sway me one way or the other about incredibly personal things. I assume they know me or know what my heart wants or what is best for Benjamin and I, when in reality, I am the only one with those answers.

It is my responsibility to take the opinions of others with a grain of salt, but I don’t. Their words follow me and echo in my mind until I don’t know who or what I want anymore. You, my readers, are in the lot of those whose opinion I care so deeply about and until I can stand firmly on my own two feet I have to keep anything you may have an influential opinion about to myself.

Make sense?


I hope so and as soon as I can, I will let you in on what is happening.

And, I did hear some mention on my Facebook page that some of you have seen and have written in the Manifestos! So exciting and I can’t wait until they finally circle back to me so I can read your words. You are all so amazing and (for the record) your opinions, invariably, are the most accurate, unbiased and positive ones I have in my life.

{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }

Erin March 28, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Good for you! I’ve been praying for you and know that you’ll continue to weather this storm gracefully as always. You will keep reaching, finding, and succeeding. I’m so proud of you! You just keep doing what you feel is best and being true to yourself. There is so much content on your blog that could keep your followers reading for days, and continues to help women who find themselves newly divorced/pregnant. Taking a hiatus is never a bad thing – gives us clarity and focus. Keep on keepin’ on, girl!


Karissa March 28, 2011 at 8:12 pm

We will be here when you return. Enjoy the silence 🙂


JJ March 28, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Im with Erin! You live your life being so open and vulnerable – sharing your heart and soul with others. I think its good to hold things back once in a while. This is something Im starting to practice myself. I have ‘committee’ made of of people I love and respect – however since going through my very painful divorce (and everyone has an opinion on everything) Im starting to live my life – just for me and my son!

I think of you often and wish you a full and happy heart.


Amanda March 28, 2011 at 10:13 pm

You are a strong woman and always will be. You know the best path.


Glenda March 28, 2011 at 11:58 pm

I’m sure you know what’s best for you and Benjamin. Keep rockin! And hope you and Benjamin continue to be happy!


UnprettyMarie March 29, 2011 at 3:27 am

I dont know if ill be sad bout this. just started reading ur blogs yesterday and Im going through the pain of bein left and need to stand up for my baby alone..I wish just like you I can make decisions that will make me stronger each day and to hold on in life 🙂

More power to you!


ashley March 29, 2011 at 1:47 pm

I can totally understand how to opinions of others really can influence us, whether we realize it at first or not. Thank you for your willingness to be open with all of us and share your heart and soul, your worries/troubles..and your goals! xox keep your chin up 🙂


Kristi G. at You and Me Kid . net March 29, 2011 at 4:49 pm

I think it’s important to let things process in your life/head before spouting about it. There is something about the spoken/written word that adds more power to something, whether the “thing” is real or imagined…

But when you get ready to spill it, I’ll be listening!

Take care


Kris March 29, 2011 at 6:15 pm

I think taking some personal time for yourself is a GOOD thing. The fact that you are sharing this process of finding new awareness with others is also a GOOD thing.

I would also venture to say, Ms. Single Mama 😉 … that as you give yourself permission to do what is best for you … you help us (your readers, your followers, your peeps!) give our selves permission to do the same … and that is empowering and beautiful.

Take care of you and your sweet little Benjamin. We are all still your cheering section!


Melissa March 29, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Until I read your post, I never realized that this is most often my issue as well. I tend to be very open and find myself being pulled this way and that as a few people close to me battle to have me react to a situation as they would. Pull it back, find yourself, and before you/we know it, these influences won’t be as powerful!


Lori March 30, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Do what you need to do for you and Benjamin. We’ll be here when you get back or if you need us. I hope everything’s ok.


Sheila March 30, 2011 at 8:25 pm

I think this is something that’s a natural progression when it comes to blogging and life in general.

One thing I’ve discovered from personal experience is that sometimes you have to let go to in order to get to the next level.


Memoirs of a Single Dad March 30, 2011 at 11:37 pm

Silence is golden.

But what about when an opinion is diametrically opposed to yours? It conflicts with everything you’re about. Do you still question your own opinion? Does it make you think you could be wrong? You could be THAT wrong?

I like differing opinions but opinions that are on the opposite end of the spectrum challenge my core values and often require some soul-searching and re-centering to ‘recover’ from.


cheap dating March 31, 2011 at 1:48 am

you are right silence is truly golden i am agree with you the silence is a solution of any problem but always keep silence is a sign of unhealthy mind.


a broom of her own March 31, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Keep on keeping on and listen to your heart. Soon enough, your voice will be louder than all of those other voices pulling at your heartstrings. I’m w/the folks who say silence is golden.


Christian Single Mother April 1, 2011 at 12:47 am

I can completely relate to your post. I love to write when I am upset or need to think through something. I gave up blogging for a few years and wrote in my journal for the same reasons you gave.


Samantha April 1, 2011 at 11:47 pm

Don’t worry sweety and remember not to always listen to peoples advice as some of them give dumb advice and should clean up their own disfunctional lives before they worry about other people


Dawn April 2, 2011 at 11:45 pm

ILife has too many layers to write about so many times 🙂 Love the pauses.

You are my fav!


Richard April 4, 2011 at 3:44 pm

As an Augusta, Georgia divorce attorney, (and divorce law blogger), I am used to giving advice, but I can understand that you are making a different point here. I enjoyed visiting your fine, well written blog and I would recommend anyone, including some of my clients should visit it, too! Best wishes!


overwhelmed April 4, 2011 at 11:56 pm

I’m a guy, and I found this Web site while looking for advice from a guy’s perspective on dating a single mom. I found a ton of stuff on how to take advantage of single moms’ position–apparently, many single moms are open to a regular booty call arrangement because they’re as horny as anyone else but way too busy and saddled with baggage to date. So if I was a special kind of douche bag, I could be getting laid more often by seeking out attractive single moms and using their schedule against them. Yikes.

On the other end of the spectrum, there’s blogs like this one. There’s a weird sort of sisterhood bond going on that doesn’t really do much to help me. Well, it kind of does.

It seems that a lot of single moms out there, having been hurt their ex boyfriends/husbands, come to terms with what was missing in the previous relationship. “I didn’t get XYZ from Mr. Ex, and I deserve those things, so now, in my next relationship, I’m going to make sure these needs are met.”

The only problem is that this line of reasoning is totally devoid of compassion for the guy who’s here now. The guy who’s here now has nothing to do with your ex, and he isn’t the one who deprived you of XYZ. But he might not want XYZ, you know? He’s entitled to his own set of wants and needs, and they might be dissimilar from yours.

And you’ve got to consider that the guy who’s eager to help you raise another dude’s kid is either a doormat or a child molester. It’s not a normal thing to want. Like, if the guy you’re dating doesn’t want to sacrifice himself for the sake of whatever unfortunate decisions you ladies made in the past, that’s honestly a pretty healthy take on the situation.

That said, I don’t think dating is hopeless. I don’t think dating my single mom is hopeless, either.

But it sucks and I kind of want to date a bachelorette again so I can spend my evenings at museums and concerts again. I can only watch so many episodes of Dora or Thomas the Train or whatever before I want to kill myself just so I have an excuse to leave.



samantha April 6, 2011 at 1:41 am

Nice comment above, glad that mysogynistic low lifes read a single mothers blog. Shouldn’t you be surfing porn. Being a single mom is a blessing as people like you do exist. I am sure your mother curses that she gave birth to such a monster


Ashwini April 6, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Hey I’ve been catching up on your blog over the last few days. Stumbled upon it while searching for some single-mom related advice etc. I love your blog. Love the honesty, the heartache and everything that has gone into it.
Have been waiting to read new posts, and am hoping that you haven’t stopped altogether…?
Please do write. I’m sure that just as it’s welcome advice and news for your readers it serves as a great catharsis for you too. You’re sort of an icon for all the single moms out there. Don’t stop now!


3am Broken Heart April 7, 2011 at 3:54 am

I am trying to understand… I was dating a single mom of 3 (10, 4, 3) who is recently separated. We were dating for a year, but her ex only recently moved out. She is a hard working professional and the demands of the job are all hours in the day. She broke off the relationship and I know she is under an enormous amount of stress. Add to this: I am a single dad of a 16 yr old, there is 20 years difference in our ages, and I may have to move for my job. I know she loves me, but she is focusing on her life and kids right now. I so much wanted to help her through this, but I am pushed away.

Can you ladies help me understand? Understand how she can push me away while she is still in love? I know this has got to be stressful for her, and I don’t want to cause her pain – she said she needs space to deal with all of this. How did you ladies deal with the new single working mom situation?


Sassy Single Mom April 8, 2011 at 10:01 am

3am Broken Heart,
I’m sorry for your heartache. I can hear your care and concern for your girlfriend, and I wanted to offer you my perspective.

As I’m sure you know, the dissolve of a marriage with children can be an incredible loss and time of crisis. Add to that a very demanding job – which is now her sole source of financial support for her and her three children, depending on whether or not her ex is paying child support. Add to that that her three children are still VERY young and processing their own grief and loss. So, she is juggling her emotions and theirs during this time.

I think she has a lot to sort through and heal from, WHILE she’s still trying to keep all the ball’s in the air. I think you mentioned that the exhusband had just moved out … so that is yet another transition. It doesn’t necessarily mean she wants him back or wants the marriage, but it may be yet another marker of her marriage ending, which could trigger her grief.

She may be pushing you away because she wants and needs some emotional space to sort through everything and not have to *worry* about juggling your needs in with the rest of the mix.

I hear your concern and it seems you want to support her through this difficult time. My advice would be to respectfully give her the space for which she seems to be asking. Communicate your love and support for her and that when she is ready, you would love to know how you can help her ease her load … be kind, respect her boundaries and let her know you aren’t rushing anything.

Hope this has been helpful! I wish you the best! =)


sk April 8, 2011 at 12:37 am

Why is is that every good blog I start to read goes defunct and becomes non-existant? If someone can please suggest some other single parent blogs that are active I would love to visit those sites. Another one I have to remove from my “favorites” now.


Sassy Single Mom April 8, 2011 at 10:07 am

Hi sk,
I’m sure Ms. Single Mama will be back – she’s just taking a bit of a breather, to practice some self-care. And, as fellow single moms – we wholeheartedly support that! =)

She offers some other single mom blogs on her “links” tab above and I’ve found a few that I really enjoy …


I also wanted to mention that I’ve just launched my website and blog as well, called “Sassy Single Mom”. It’s very new and I would LOVE some participation! So, if you’re interested, please check me out at:

Hope to talk soon!


eb April 8, 2011 at 9:26 pm

I know. I’m bummed that Better Now is no more. 🙁 I do understand though the need for silence and privacy. I support both but I very much loved Kristin’s blog.


Dave April 9, 2011 at 2:53 am

We miss your blog updates so much


Nancy Wurtzel April 13, 2011 at 12:43 am

I think you are smart to keep some things back and to yourself…you are so right that you are the only one who knows what is best for YOU! Hang in there and share what you want, when you want!


Lynn April 27, 2011 at 5:17 pm

This is my first time reading your blog (great blog by the way). I totally understand what you are saying. I suspended my Facebook account about two weeks ago, because I just needed quiet. It’s weird but I almost felt like I needed to get away and just reconnect with myself. I say that I don’t take people’s comments to heart, but deep down I know that I do. For some reason I “care” what people think. It’s not that I allow them to control me, but I’m definitely swayed by their opinions. So I shut it down (temporarily) so that the only voice I’m swayed by now are the ones I choose to listen to. Some how I believe this will allow me to return to FB with something fresh and enlightening that will help others. (Sorry this post is so long)


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