Keeping busy.

by mssinglemama on January 27, 2011

Busy is good when your life has changed so dramatically.

I feel numb now. The shock has worn off and Benjamin and I are trucking along like we were before John came into our lives. I have found that taking out the trash alone, warming up the car in the morning and even sleeping in a bed alone isn’t nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.

The hardest thing to stomach is this unsettling feeling that trusting a man again will be incredibly difficult for me in the future. I don’t want to shut myself off to men or the idea of a relationship, but I keep hearing echos of promises he made, “I’m not going anywhere,” and the real clincher – “will you marry me?”.

Urgh.

And then I feel sick.

But I am aware of my own inability to clearly see that he had commitment issues from the beginning and that something wasn’t quite gelling between us.

I have also decided that next time (if and when that ever happens) I won’t just expect butterflies, they will be mandatory. Most of all, that’s what I miss. And I never had them with John. But not yet. I don’t want them yet and am in no way ready for any.

In the meantime, to keep myself distracted from all of this Benjamin and I have been busy, busy, busy. Rock climbing yesterday, gymnastics tonight and this weekend – moving into the new Cement Marketing office in downtown Columbus.

Some teaser photos.

The awesome door. It speaks for itself.


My mom and uncle planning the space design and custom furniture.

And a fantastic game of “don’t let the balloon touch the ground.”

Incredibly exciting times. I can’t tell you how rewarding owning your own business is… without a doubt, one of the most incredible things I have ever accomplished (Benjamin being the first of the incredible things, of course).

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January 27, 2011 at 11:40 am

{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

QirkyGirlx3 January 27, 2011 at 11:22 am

I felt this way once too (Single momma…3 kids. #3 has a different daddy who was the straw that turned me bitter :-/ one day I sat down and thought “What’s the common demoninator in these bad, unfulfilling relationships?” It was me! LOL I’m not saying You’re a problem in your life. Please hear my heart for you on that one! I’m simply telling what I found for me. I went on a hiatus. For about 2 and a half years. I went on dates…with myself and I would ask God to show me how He felt about me. I discovered so many things about me that I didn’t know (and I’m very self aware!) I grew to be very happy being single. There were times it was lonely but over all I was genuinely happy. Then one day I realized that the majority of my trust and abandonment issues weren’t there anymore and I was ready to date again. Amaziingly enough I met the one who put the rest of the issues away for good. I even had to shut down the old single mom blog and start a new one just about life as a person who happened to be a mom! In the meantime, check out John Mayer’s song Perfectly Lonely. It’s a GREAT anthem!!! I wish you well, Momma! I’m gonna keep reading as I know you have a fantastic story to tell and just like the Mary Tyler Moore theme song says: You’re gonna make it after all.

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Nicole January 27, 2011 at 11:26 am

Isn’t it interesting how your coping ability seems to be judged by how well you can “keep busy”. I have been thrust into single motherhood by a cheating spouse and I find that everyone gives the same advice..take time for you, focus on your baby, keep busy, find a hobby, journal, see a counselor…blah, blah, blah. I totally understand that numb feeling too. Somehow i’ve found myself in a relationship way too soon for my comfort level. The guy seems so excited about our potential but i just think, “when is he going to let me down”. If anything, it’s so nice to know that there are plenty of other women feeling the same emotions and struggling with trust(trusting a man, trusting your own judgement, etc). From a single mama from your own city…THANK YOU for creating this blog!

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nymama January 27, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Kudos on the new office!

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Jenny Foss January 27, 2011 at 12:18 pm

All man issues aside, HOLY COW I LOVE YOUR NEW OFFICE! I’m looking around my one-room rattletrap now thinking…. hmmmmmmmm…. maybe it’s time to start looking around.

Love it! And, should I be out the Columbus way, I will expect to share in a cup of coffee (scratch that… a BEER!) in these fabulous new digs!

Cheers, good luck, hang in. You know I’m a huge huge fan!

Jenny Foss (JobJenny)

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Erin January 27, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Praying for your heart’s recovery and that you continue to live fearlessly! :)

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Momma Sunshine January 27, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Congrats on your new office space.

I know things are difficult right now. Just take your time with the process…it simply takes time to heal. Of course you’re not at the point where you can start thinking about those butterflies again…it’s just too soon. Don’t rush it; you’ll get there.

**hugs**

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Bren January 27, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Since you were the one who asked HIM to leave, how did he break a promise?

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Melissa January 27, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Well, I for one, am super happy that butterflies are mandatory next time! Because those butterflies are FANTASTIC!!! :) I started seeing someone last February, not too long before you posted the butterfly/lead weights post. I fell in “love” with him with my head, not my heart. He was good to me. He told me he wasn’t going anywhere. He was great with my son. And I have pictures of my son looking at him with those great big eyes and that constant smile, just like you have of Benjamin looking at John. But, there were no butterflies for me. Twinges of excitement, sure, but mostly lead weights that made me look at him like, you’re so fantastic (while thinking, why is something missing?). Well, my heart finally won that battle… I broke up with him in September. Thank God I did — because I met such a wonderful man in October. Like you, I had decided that I was taking a break. No more men. I did not want to be responsible for anyone else’s heart ever again. Those thoughts vanished when I met Tim. I hesitate to say it was love at first sight, because it sounds so juvenile and whimsical, but, I’ll tell ya, that man swept (sweeps!) me off my feet … I am absolutely crazy about him. So, no more settling for lead weights, mama. Go for those butterflies!!! You will know it when you feel them, that’s for sure.

Congrats on the new office. I know it will be amazing!

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Abby January 27, 2011 at 2:23 pm

I’ve been following your blog for over year now, and I have to admit that when I read your blog post where you wrote about how John didn’t give you butterflies, it made me question how in love you both truly were. To me, it sounded like you were trying to convince yourself and your audience that you were really in love with him. I’m in a relationship now, and he doesn’t give me butterflies either. It’s like there’s no true spark with the relationship. Something’s missing. And when I read your blog about the butterfly-less relationship, it made me realize that these kind of relationships are probably more common than I thought. I feel like I’m in my relationship for the security more than anything. Wishing you all the best! -Abby

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heather January 27, 2011 at 2:48 pm

You’re handling this with grace and that’s what the boy will remember. Congrats on the fab new office space! I’m likewise doubting that I’ll be ready to trust anytime soon. I would love some fun and excitement, but I can’t really seem to settle for one and not both right now.

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Bobbi Janay January 27, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Hugs, is all I can say. Hope the move goes well for CMM.

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Anna January 27, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Keep calm and carry on, my girl. You are in a good space, both figuratively and literally.

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J January 27, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Thank you, thank you so much for this blog. I’ve recently broken up with someone I fell in love first with my head, and then subsequently, my heart too. That is the ideal situation isn’t it? Those echos of promises sound so familiar, “I would give anything to be here if you need me”, “nothing makes me happier than spending time with you and your daughter”. It’s also my first serious r/s after I become a mom, and I’m devastated. You’ve expressed what I’m feeling so clearly.

Stay strong, I know we will both pull through this.

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Mander January 27, 2011 at 5:44 pm

I think I’m with Bren on this one….Uuuummm, what promise did John break? What trust did he shatter? It just sounds like it didn’t work out. You were both working toward what you felt was best for your son and not each other.

You are strong. Own up to the fact that it just “didn’t work out”. Both you AND John are at fault here. Keep shopping and it WILL “work out” one day.

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Ms. Single Mama January 27, 2011 at 8:25 pm

You two are right to point this out. I feel like a promise was broken, the promise of a commitment and of a life together. But you’re right – it just didn’t work out and believe me, I take as much fault in this as John does.

But, I still feel that trusting again will be much harder the next time. I’m hoping, by writing here and venting it all out that I save myself the hours of therapy I probably need to be able to trust and understand that – as you say – “it just didn’t work out”. So thanks for pointing this out.

To Bren, however, I want to clarify that I asked him to leave after he had told me he couldn’t be with me anymore, etc, etc. That kind of a break in trust would have been so hard to overcome. And it did completely blind side me. Had I let him stay, it would have happened again – but probably later and after we were married, which would have been tremendously more painful.

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Mander January 28, 2011 at 9:36 am

Good luck, Lady. You know we feel your pain and we love you.

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lmt January 28, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Ms single mama–I think you have gone above and beyond in taking your share of responsibility in your relationship not working out. Not to bash John because I know that is not what you are interested in doing but he proposed, bought a house with you and moved in with you all the while not expressing his true feelings and doubts, I certainly can see why you may feel reluctant to trust again (although I think you will get past it because of the integrity with which you are facing this situation). I think the relationship was well beyond summing up the break up with “just didn’t work out”. I think that is the kind of thing you say after a couple of months of dating someone, not almost two years and the level of commitment you guys had. I just think those who are throwing out there come on face up to it–it just didn’t work out are being awfully cavalier about the situation.

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Hanna January 28, 2011 at 3:34 pm

You are still my idol, single or not.

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soon2bsinglemom January 28, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Wow, I just realized I never had that butterfly feeling with Peanut’s dad. Yikes.

I’m glad you are keeping busy – that’s always the best thing. Congratulations on the new office – you deserve it.

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eb January 29, 2011 at 12:10 pm

You dodged a massive bullet. However, it is hard to be readjusting back into single life. I hear you and feel your pain. It’s a process. Hang in there. I think like you have been saying, you picked the safe route with a good guy but he just wasn’t the right fit. Good news is- – it’ll be okay! You are all you need right now. Enjoy yourself and get to know yourself again. It’s a gift.

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TlingitGal January 30, 2011 at 3:25 am

I am learning each day, I’ve learned for the first time, thanx to a wonderful cousin living down in the states, who retelling here story, that it was okay to have a meltdown. I being the utter control guru of my emotions..had one tonight. My ‘John’, walked out of my life again, mind you he came back, gave me the lines “I missed you’ I need you in my life, but for some reason thought I was content just being his ‘friend’, since he came clean about wanting to pursue another lady’. I was and am still devestated but not as harsh as it was the first time around.

I laid on my couch, watching Julie/Julia..a somehow comforting movie, that let me relax enough to cry, to embrace that I could meltdown. It however, does not relinquish the obsessive mental dialogue I have with myself, sayign “wth” is wrong with me, and as my kiddies have their mini meltdowns, due to being bed-time, etc., I stand in amazement that, I must have been crazy to believe that a single, never been married, no children, ideological man, could have wanted to stay and endure this lifestyle, heck, my own husband left. So, all I have is the lame comfort of other suitors and friends who excessively repeat, your education, super intelligent, funny as hell, and love so much.

I am perhaps wondering, should i play dumb, should i feel less, and dare less. Should I become what it is that it seems other men want in the end? IDK. But thank you for your writings. it has today been a necessity of my emotional survival.

PEACE!

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Robin January 30, 2011 at 8:38 am

Trust your gut next time, you’re to beautiful inside and out for there not to be a next time. Remember this special quote, I view as sage advice…”When somone tells you who they are, believe them.”…the first time :)

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Sue January 30, 2011 at 9:14 pm

I just started reading your blog and was immediately drawn in. I was a single mom of three kids for a few years (I am remarried now) so I have been there. So I had to do some reading and piece together your story. I watched the video where you introduced the Bear.

I think you should go back and watch that video again. He was not as sweet as maybe you thought. He might have been talking to you as though you’d had a mastectomy, not a child — accepting but not embracing — loving you despite the baggage. Some men really love children, and their response will be a lot different. If you watch again, maybe you’ll catch it next time around.

What do you think?

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Kristin February 1, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Butterflies are mandatory. Absolutely.

You are strong and gorgeous and whip smart and things are going in the direction they should, I have utter faith.

Adore you.

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SavoredLife February 1, 2011 at 10:25 pm

The lesson, the wisdom, the learning through the pain: “…Butterflies, they will be mandatory.” :) Amen.

And when you still have them…months…years later…you’ll KNOW you’ve found him.

You’ve come so very far in the past 2 years – on many fronts. :D

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Halee @ Life Less Travelled February 3, 2011 at 4:08 am

I’m loving watching you heal… slowly but surely… you will survive :)

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Gigi February 3, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Firt time here and let me tell you that I love your blog, I want to read everything and I know I can’t in one day.
I’m divorced with 2 kids (3 and 7 yrs old) and up until last month I was engaged one more time and thought I got a second chance to find a partner in life. Well, I was wrong….one day after a really heated discussion about general stuff: money, responsibilities and kids (not his) he packed all his stuff and left the house, obviously, he took the ring…
Main outcome of discussion: I have no time for him! Well, I work full time, have kids and a house. I should say that he didn’t help me with the kids (other than playing with them here and there).
Like every mom out there, at night, I was tired and exhausted but then…oh no! it was his turn, he wanted attention, a lot, I tried and I gave him as much as I could but I guess it wasn’t enough. I can’t do that every day! He always felt that he was giving more than what he was receiving and he was at the bottom of my list (of course my kids will always be first!).
Everything changed after we moved in together to give it try and I’m so glad we did (we were planning on getting married in November) I could’ve not been able to handle another divorce.
He has not called or tried to contact me since he left.
I hoping the kids will be ok, they liked him a lot.
And me? What can I say, in shock but thankful…I will survive, nothing that I haven’t lived before.

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Henry James February 11, 2011 at 3:13 am

Keeping busy helps a lot but do not abuse yourself
from working. Your son feels bad if you’ve got sick.
Congrats to your new office..

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