Had to pull out this fantastic comment from Sara to my last post.
“Does it bother you that John is probably reading all this right now? That’s the first thing I thought of when I read your post about the break up. Do you sometimes find yourself writing things in these past few posts for his benefit at all? Like so he sees how well Benjamin is doing or how “crazy” you are at the moment by things like checking out his facebook?”
When I first met John one of the things I loved about him was his understanding and appreciation of this blog and the audience. When a topic was in question, as to whether or not I should blog about it, he always asked, “Will it help them?” Them being, all of the other single moms.
If my answer was “yes”, I could write about whatever I wanted.
The thing I hold the most sacred about this blog is our relationship. You trust what I tell here is as accurate as I perceive it to be. Without that trust, if I were to use this blog to “get back” at someone or to make John’s skin crawl I would be losing your respect and his and Benjamin’s (eventually).
I would be guilty of manipulating the content to my own advantage and to spite or hurt someone. And, to me, that is the cardinal sin of blogging. Especially on this blog.
With that said, there are pieces to stories I have kept from you. John and I’s brief 12-hour break up in May, as an example. There are more stories you still don’t know about or will ever know about (many have to do with Benjamin’s father or our immediate family).
They’re just too personal and could, if told here, affect the outcome of the relationship.
Benjamin is doing well. If he were having issues during this break up, I would tell you. But he’s not. Quite the opposite, which, I believe is absolutely eye opening. And there’s nothing like seeing your child flourishing to reinforce the fact that this is the best outcome for all of us.
Makes getting over a break up a lot easier, too. This is a first for me. But happy kid trumps all else.
I was petrified of how Benjamin would react if John and I didn’t work out. That fear may have been influencing some of my decisions about the relationship, and maybe John’s. Perhaps we both injected too much pressure on the situation.
After Friday’s post–my anger post (that’s about as angry as you’ll see me). I called John to tell him I would be un-friending him on Facebook. And when he asked ‘why’, I let it all spill out. I went on a tangent that included topics like ‘walking away and starting over like nothing happened’, ‘getting to move on Scott-free’ and a bunch of other unnecessary and mean comments, but warranted.
As soon as it was out, I felt better. And in true John fashion he accepted it all and didn’t lash back. He reminded me that this is just as painful for him as it is for me and that this was about our relationship, not my being a single mom. And then I realized that no matter how hard I may try, I can’t hate John. Because he’s John. He’s a good guy. By the end we were talking to each other like old friends and agreed that it sucks for both of us but is clearly for the best.
I haven’t checked his Facebook status since, but I haven’t un-friended him either.
I hope that answers your question. Just know that I would never manipulate this blog’s content for my own good because this is for all of you, for us. The fact that some of my posts may help some of you conquer a few of life’s trials and tribulations is far more important that what John (or any other man) thinks of Benjamin and I.
And did I mention that I am feeling better and better every day? Now that the anger has been vanquished I feel calm and content again. A bit shaken up, but content. Turns out I also don’t need a man to be happy, but I do need my friends–and John (along with all of you) will continue to be among them.