Gloom and Doom

by mssinglemama on October 10, 2010

He looks at me and I envision us when we’re 80, on our death beds. The song “To Lose My Life” by White Lies is going through my head, “Let’s grow old together and die at the same time.”

He leaves with Benjamin in his car and I hope it’s not the last time I see them.

Why can’t I focus on the now instead of worrying so much about the future?

Is it because I’m a mom? Is it because I lost my father at a young age? Is it because I can’t imagine a life where we both live, long, well and happily? Because, that would just be too good to be true. But if we do – will I have wasted it thinking about death? Is it because my mother has yet to recover from losing my father? Her pain is still so visceral.

I try not to read or watch the news. I have found, the news only aggravates my “condition.”

I’m also settling into the new house and letting myself just “be” with John and Benjamin, enjoying moments as they happen. And when the creeping thoughts of dread and doom come, I try to knock them out.

I read blogs like Matt’s for inspiration and evidence that you can live on after losing a spouse. If you haven’t discovered Matt yet, you’re in for a treat. There’s a good chance his blog will change your life. Born out of his pain over the loss of his wife, Liz just 27 hours after the birth of their daughter, his blog is one of the most romantic stories you’ll ever read. And through living on with their daughter Maddy, Matt effortlessly reminds us all to live and to love. If you’re a long time reader of Matt’s – don’t miss his book cover just released.

Thanks for reading my rambles on this everyone. Just writing it down, confessing in a sense to my morbid thoughts, will help me tremendously. This blog is a release for me. And as you’ve noticed, I haven’t had much to release as of late. Because things are going so well. And, I know, no matter how hard I stare at them in disbelief, they do exist and no, they are not going to end anytime soon.

Related posts:

  1. The ultimate single dad.
  2. “No worries.”
  3. Damn you, fear.
  4. Seeing clearly.
  5. Learning how to lose

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