My Comfort Zone

by mssinglemama on August 11, 2010

Here’s the latest from Mia. If you missed the beginning of her story catch up here.

But first, Mia needs a huge favor from you.

Mia and Leigh (remember my friend from a few posts ago) both have a panel up for vote at SXSW Interactive – the most respected interactive conference in the Universe. Winning this panel vote would have a huge hand in propelling Mia’s career into the stratosphere of greatness she so deserves.

Help her get there. It will just take a few minutes. Go here. And vote. Please. Let’s show all of the Interactive geeks what an army of single moms can do.

Now back to Mia…

outside of being a busy mama and career maven, she’s been dating. And having a lot of fun but now that the adrenaline is wearing off she’s doing a lot introspection about her pattern – her comfort zone.

My Comfort Zone (may be a speed zone)

By Mia

“Your first step is figuring out what you want, what will make you happy a year from now. Your second step… just worry about that later.” — Wise words from my best friend.

If the worst problem I have is that everything in my life seems to be changing — is that really a problem? This is the question I asked myself the other night while complaining to one of my closest friends. The advice she gave is above. And it’s brilliant.

I’ll be honest, I am confused. I am slightly overwhelmed, but only at times. Otherwise, I’m happy. Aspects of my life are changing everywhere I look. Some friends who are having, just had, or thinking about children are the ones I could selfishly call before at any time for a quick glass of wine; maybe my job; most likely my schedule with Sydney – or so her dad has been saying for months now. All of these changes, even the good ones, are scary. The only thing not changing is my “pattern”. You know, the relationship “pattern” that all of your friends know you have but you love to deny? Yeah. Well I have one. I don’t fully understand it, but I know its there.

My name is Mia, and I have a pattern. I call it (lovingly) “my comfort zone”. But it has recently been pointed out to me it is more like a speed zone.

I go from 0-60 in about three dates. Although, not in the traditional way. I have never been the type to fall head over heels and ditch her girlfriends, or wait on the edge of my seat for a phone call, or (god forbid) cyber stalk or do drive by’s. It happens totally different for me. It starts with one, honest, good conversation. I have a knack in that department. I can make someone feel as if they are the only person in the world. I’m a good listener, a bad small talker, and I love deep conversation. Getting to the root of someone (AKA 60 mph) very quickly is my passion. I love this about me for a lot of reasons but when it comes to new relationships, the verdict of whether it is a good quality or not is still out. Note: I have not dated a tremendous amount since becoming a single mom, but I am noticing this pattern resurfacing from even before my ex and I got together and I have a sneaking suspicion it is something I should acknowledge. Even change.

What’s the problem you ask? The outcome? A relationship that should be at a school zone pace is highway cruising before I have even decided if the car is is right for me! I like relationships of all kinds. I am an includer. And I tend to put the real me out there pretty fearlessly (wearing messy buns in my hair, revealing inside jokes, and laughing about quirky shortcomings pretty soon out the gate.) Apparently, a lot of guys like this. (Or at least the ones I initially go for…)

So, what happened to being courted? I’m not even sure I know what that means. Shouldn’t I be comfortable with the guy that doesn’t divulge himself to me completely right off the bat? Maybe he doesn’t drop his plans to be with me whenever my schedule allows. Is that alright? Maybe the first few weeks we don’t have long, late night conversations on the phone, or even childish flirtatious texting all day. Is that bad?? I have no idea. It is possible I could be dismissing the school zone guy, even if I am pretty sure I would be barreling along, hair blowing in the wind, in the wrong direction with the highway man – Far away from where I want to be in a year.

I spent a long time, most of my 20’s in fact, with a man who wasn’t deep. At all. In fact, deep conversation was rare. But I remember our connection was something else back then. It was speed zone pace as well, in it’s own way. It was my pattern. And in this case I think it was there, leading me to loving him, so we could make our daughter. So it was worth it. I haven’t felt much of a connection to anyone since I started dating again. Until recently I wasn’t sure if I could or wanted to. Now I am afraid it is all for the wrong reasons. As comfortable as those reasons are to me.

So, the advise I received from my friend– “Your first step is figuring out what you want, what will make you happy a year from now. Your second step… just worry about that later.” — is becoming my mantra. I plan on finding out what and where I want to be and letting the rest fit in how it may.

Wish me luck!


And P.S.

(It’s Alaina again) if you feel that her post screams a need for reading Marry Him! The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough you’d be correct. I lent her my copy months ago but she won’t read it. It’s the title, it’s a misleading controversial title but it’s such an amazing book.

Don’t forget to vote for Mia’s panel, too.

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