We all have them.
Don’t we?
Without a healthy dose of occasional moral or ethical conflict life wouldn’t be life. We wouldn’t need churches or prayer or tarot cards. We would just know what to do in every situation. But alas, we are human, and – if you’re a human like me – you are often confronted with moral questions that don’t have a clear right or wrong answer.
My case in point:
On Sunday night, en route to a Winter Festival at Benjamin’s school my phone buzzed with a text from Benjamin’s father.
I just had my first fight with (his girlfriend, who he lives with) and I told her I was done. That will hurt Benjamin but I am first on that one.
And then another one.
I am probably going back in my country (Canada) for a long while
I wrote him back, on the advice of John Bear – not to write anything like, “Yay! Finally! Just do it already.” Instead I typed in…
Just keep me posted.
Then I didn’t hear back. I called on Monday. No answer. On Tuesday I sent a text with no response. And then, on Wednesday I sent another text.
So? What’s going on? You okay?
This time he responded.
Yes. Talk later.
And that was it, until tonight when he texted me again saying,
Everything will be ok for this weekend. So 3:00 at his school?
My dilemma:
Believing that one of these days Benjamin’s Dad will leave the country, do I limit their interactions? My intent being to protect my son from the inevitable pain of losing his father.
Or
Do I pretend like this didn’t happen and carry on with our every other weekend schedule and the four days he has with him before Christmas?
Part of me tells me I shouldn’t try to control fate but the other part is screaming at me – “you’re his mother, you know what’s best.” But what if it’s his father you’re trying to protect him from? Not so easy. If you’ve been reading along for a while, you know this isn’t the first time.
Right now his father has very few legal legs to stand on and very little cash flow for a lawyer so I could potentially put the hammer down and cut off his contact. He would have to fight me in court but I highly doubt it would get that far. He would probably just give up and head back to Canada. There are a number of external factors weighing down on him right now, again – can’t mention them here – but I think the pressure cooker is about to pop. Again, I think it’s only a matter of time. I can give him a little shove, or just bide my time on my son’s emotional dime.
Please tell me what you think – honestly - because clearly I am torn. And I’m sick of talking about it to myself.
So…what’s it gonna be?
{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }
Something to consider:
If you cut Benjamin off now from his father you’ll have to tell him that it was YOU who initiated the cut off. Yes, he may end up leaving, but you are the one initiating the break off.
It may be selfish, but I would want my son to know that I did everything to facilitate the relationship between him and his father. I would want him to know that it was his father who decided to leave.
Really hard stuff though. Sorry you are going through this. Just remember: whatever you decide will be right for you and your son
My first thought was to wonder if he would take Benjamin to Canada. I do not know that he’d have to have a written document from you before he could do that so I erased that from my mind.
Hrm. This is hard to answer as we don’t really know everything you do and so anything that is said here, well, you could come up with a good counter argument.
I wouldn’t cut off the contact. Instead of thinking about it as the father having rights to see Benjamin, I wonder if it changes if we think about Benjamin having the right to see his father while he can? I honestly don’t know. I can feel the genuine turmoil this is causing you and I do think that knowing Benjamin, you’re so much more qualified to answer this. But my gut? My gut says do not cut off the contact. If nothing else, you will know that you were never, ever responsible for their lack of contact and that will mean something to Benjamin. And if the ’split’ is inevitable…well, I think that it will cause you less heartache to to see Benjamin’s pain and know that you were 100% not responsible than to see Benjamin’s pain and wonder, “Oh God, did I do the right thing?”
I wish I could offer better insight. My best to you. Big hug to that little one.
-R.
Pardon, that should say that “I do know that he’d have…” in that first paragraph.
hugs to you, beautiful.
-R.
Benjamin has a relationship with his father because his mother is stronger than most mommas.
You’ve got him by the balls here…the only reason you’re son knows his father is because you let him…and why did you let him? Because, you know having a father is important to a little boy. (fine. its important to lil girls too but its also important to NOT be a meth-addicted he-whore….just sayin)
You did your part—you’ve given your ex the opportunity to be in Benjamins life, its up to him to use that opportunity wisely. Cutting ties now could translate to “my mom made my dad go away” in Benjamins mind….if dad leaves due to his own circumstances….well then, thats where Benjamins stronger than most momma steps in and helps her son deal with what is……
I wouldn’t cut off contact. Your previous post talked about how he cried to Santa because he missed his father. I would let them spend the time together, but maybe start preparing for what may happen by talking to him about how daddy might be going on a trip? Tough call, I wish you the best.
Don’t cut off contact. Keep visitation schedule in place.
No matter what, he is the father, he has he right. What will be will be as far as him leaving. And if he never leaves, your son will find out one way or another who he can count on between the two of you. I know you want to protect, and you can, by abiding by visitation schedule while ex is around to keep things predictable for Benjamin which will make him feel more stable. It sucks for you to be on the roller coaster of unpredictability while he is around, but Benjamin doesn’t know it, and it’s Christmas, and he should get to see his dad because it will probably make him happy. Big hugs going out to you, I know it can’t be easy. xx
I think that we may have the same ex.
When things get really hard I just remind myself that one day my daughter will come to her own realizations, and though they may sting, I’ll be the one right there beside her. I don’t think you can make your ex’s decisions for him but a leopard doesn’t change his spots. P.S – the ex is missing out
I think I may have the same ex too! My heart is always torn between how bad and unstable of a person my child’s father is and that his father is in his life. I never have believed that it was a good thing, but I also don’t want my son to think I kept him from his father. to his father everything is always more important than his son!
I agree with the rest of the posts. You do not want to be responsible for their relationship or lack of relationship. Chances are that his dad will give up on his own. I am expecting the same of my son’s dad, eventually. We just have to bide our time.
My ex is an alcoholic who spends about 2 hours with my daughters once every 2 or 3 monthes. I understand your fears and doubts completely. But here is a huge disgusting pill that we have to swallow as women in this situation, we CAN’T control anything. Not fate or our exes or our babies happiness. Taking rights away won’t help anything. It is so hard to agree with my girls when they speak kindly of their father but I know that he is the deadest of all the deadbeats. It drives me insane when he puts on his father-of-the-years pants when his parents visit from 2000 miles away every other year because I seem to be the only person who sees through it. All we can do is put up strong boundaries with our exes and stick to them. It sucks that we have to treat them as though they are children, but that’s the life that we choose, or I should say the life that choose us. We have to be strong women and be there for our babies. Sometimes life is going to hurt them, and unfortunately sometimes it is their own fathers who do a lot of it. Its up to us to teach them that not all men are like that, and its okay to be mad or sad or hurt because life isn’t fair and some daddy’s have a hard time being daddy’s but they still love them. It’s heartbreaking that some people have to learn this so young, but they will survive it, they have us. I am truley sorry for your dilemma, I battle the same one. But we are strong women, we wouldn’t be where we are if we weren’t. One day at a time, Ms. SingleMama. Good luck.
Oh so sorry about this crappy stuff. I think you should keep the contact. I am thinking that for myself and my son too. Make sure he will be in a safe and loving environment (no fights with the ex, or stuff like that). If that is OK I think it doesn´t matter if your ex goes to Canada. Every moment they can share is important for Benjamin. This little moments are the pieces that he will put altogether someday. A friend of mine told me a father figure can also work from a picture! it´s the story you build around them. He has a solid rock at home so he can go a play for a while to daddy and son.
Big hugs to you two.
No, do not cut off contact. Let things play out as they will.
While I understand the basic instinct of not wanting Benjamin to be hurt if/when his father eventually goes back to Canada, it cannot in any way be used as justification for denying him his father. If his father has to go back, it happens, and then you help Benjamin through it when it happens. While you may have the means to cut out their relationship this instant, it’s not your place to do so as long as Benjamin wants to see his father and his father is holding up his end of the bargain.
And honestly, I don’t know that it’s going to be any easier or harder whether the split happens now, in six months, or two years from now. But I imagine it will be much harder to take, in the long run, if Benjamin learns that YOU were the one that kept them apart or cut off their relationship months or years before his dad went home or got deported.
Even though my ex put me through hell the last 2 yrs, I never prevented him from spending a lot of time with our daughter. He has had equal time with her as I have all while severly underpaying child support and employing lots of emotional/verbal abuse. After every volatile interaction, I dug deep and kept lines of communication open because I never wanted to be the person responsible for for cutting him off from his child.
Well doing the right thing has squarely bitten me in the ass. I went on vacation leaving my daughter with her dad only to come back to get served with court papers stating he wants sole custody of our daughter. His filing says I’m an unfit mother because I’m “irrational and inconsistent”. And on top of trying to take my daughter away from me, he wants me to pay child support to him as I have caused him severe financial hardship. This is a guy in finance who earns a 6 figure salary 3 times my income. Oh and the best part is after he initiated this legal proceeding, he emails me stating how we should really try to shield our daughter from our negative feelings for each other because it could be harmful for her emotional development. Like trying to take custody away from the mother is not detrimental.
So my point in all this is you just never know what people are capable of. For the past 2.5 yrs of my little ones life, I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to work with her dad to coparent and now I have to fight for my right to custody. And when all of the court battles are over, we still have to communicate for our daughters sake.
All I can say is make sure you are protected legally whatever you decide to do. I am kicking myself for not going to court sooner but I just thought court was the last resort.
I had a really hard time with this as well. My daughter’s father is a deadbeat and if he were gone from her life, I couldn’t be happier. He wants to see her though, and the courts say I don’t really have a choice in the matter. Someone told me that psychology reports have shown that if you keep a child away from his or her parents, even if you know its for their own good, the child ends up resenting you and finding them anyway. The same is true for adopted children. Most go looking for their birth parents. So I have to love her the best I can and trust that she will see through to what I see about her father. The decisions will be on her to make. Hope that helps! Good luck
There seems to be a consensus, and this is a problem I’ve had to deal with as well: whether to cut off contact, not knowing if there’s any reason to be confident in my ex’s ability to have normal visits (in my case, due to alcoholism). I’ve always said that I would have no problem assigning blame to myself should I choose that route. And I’ve given my ex and unnamed deadline to get his poop in a group, so to speak.
However, my advice to you is to let B enjoy as much as he can with his father, for as long as he can – even if his dad leaves and he’s hurting from it, it’s a lesson (though painful) that he should get to learn. I wager to think that you removing visitation would cause a pedestal-type of effect on B’s mind relating to his dad. That part I know from my own experience, after my mother lost all visitation with me – I thought she was practically godly, for most of my childhood. She’s so not.
I told the father of my daughter to get lost nearly two years ago. It has been a heaven send. I don’t know what eventually made me do it, except the fact that my guts would be churning every single time I had to leave my daughter with him…but I am so glad I did it. There’s nothing wrong with my ex, but he was terribly unreliable – he’d make appointments to see her, then cancel them, and eventually I realised that the only reason he made an effort to see his daughter was because he felt guilty. Is this adequate reason to remain as a father figure for a child? Because you feel guilty? Anyway, I gave him the perfect way out. Now when next he sees my daughter (hopefully only when she’s 18), he’ll tell her that I was the cruel witch who kept him away from her. But I do not care. I will take that wrap. Eventually my daughter will understand. It is better to have no father, than a father who is not committed.
And since I first told him he may not see my daughter, he hasn’t even tried to go to court to apply for visitation. So…it’s a gamble. You know the character of your ex best.
No no no no no.
If he’s putting him in harm’s way, yes. If he’s just being a flake, who he is, no. As harsh as this may sound (and it will), getting hurt is a part of life. NO ONE wants to see their child hurting–least of all me (I almost cried when another little boy told my son he didn’t like him)–but it IS part of life. If he ends up leaving and hurting Benjamin that WOULD SUCK. But if he doesn’t? And you cut off a relationship b/c you thought he MIGHT hurt him? That would suck more. For everyone.
Don’t try to control the situation. Let it play out. The more you try to control it, the less control you’ll actually feel.
I can’t help but think your ex has resumed a relationship with his girlfriend since the initial text he sent.
Providing a stable home is the best any single parent can do (and you do!) regardless of what the other parent does. You may be contending with this for another fifteen years Alaina … the girlfriend break-ups, the “I’m going back to Canada” threats, blah, blah, blah. Do you see a pattern too?
If presented with the same circumstance, I would call your ex and ask him if he has a home; a residence where he plans to have visits with his son. I would ask him if he has the ability to provide Ben with meals. I would ask him if he has considered how he will spend his time with Ben; what does he have planned for their time together?
His response may help you understand more about the determinations you have to make about the next visitation with Ben, his welfare is primary. Let your ex know that you are willing to work with him on this and suggest options.
It’s a delicate issue that is in your hands. Focus on what you agree on.
Single Momma, I can hear your heartache.
I’ve been through this, have watched someone close to me go through this, and help other women go through this. My experience is that anything I did to interfere with my children’s relationship with their father, whether by word, action or deed, harmed my children, who later resented me for my actions.
Things only got better when I could take my emotions out of their relationship. In the end, the truth will come out that you were always there, loving, present, and did nothing to interfere with Benjamin’s relationship with his father.
I always had to rise to my higher self no matter how much it hurt.
As a kid who grew up without his dad after my parents got divorced when I was 10-years-old, I’ve gotta say it really sucks. But I’m so glad that I know it wasn’t my fault or my mom’s fault that my dad didn’t spend much time with me after the divorce. If Ben’s dad is going to be a flake, you can’t fix that, and you can’t really protect Benjamin from it either. But Ben will eventually understand and come to terms with whatever happens. Don’t make it your fault by cutting things off prematurely.
Let me just start by saying that I have two step-sons who are 8 1/2 and almost 10. I have been with my husband since they were 1 1/2 and almost 3. SOO, they don’t ever remember their parents even being together for the most part. (Which is good, I guess), but the bitchy whore of a mother, and I say that LIGHTLY!, is a raving leunatic and puts so much false information in their head. Point blank is, she left my husband for another guy, whom she is still with, but never married, and is going on 8 or nine years now. My point you say? Never, ever lie to your children, no matter how badly it may hurt them. They will always respect YOU in the end for being truthful with them. Benjamin will see later in life that it was YOU who took care of him 24/7 and was there to kiss the boo-boo’s and check his homework, and tuck him into bed each night and teach him right from wrong. I have explained to my step-son’s that it was their mom’s choice to leave their dad, now she has to live the decision she made. Don’t ever let her push that on you guys. We love you both very much and this is your home and your brother and sister are here(my biologcal kids), and we are a true blooded family…forever. No matter what anyone says or does, this is where home is. Always and Forever, whenever you need us, we are here! Every since that day, we have become bonded so differently. Even the relationship between my kids and them are so different. It is SO FEAKIN’ HARD dealing with an ex. I sympathize with “The Bear”. I am sure he takes it all in stride…God love him. And I am sure your ex is no where near the nut-case this bitch is. Hey, here’s a thought; ” Have your ex take my ex back to Canada with him….Thanks, then it would be a Merry Freakin’ Christmas!!!!!!
As a child of divorce, I can tell you that the one who stays is often the one who gets the short end of the stick. Meaning that, you’re the one who already gets blamed for everything, because you’re going to be the disciplinarian– the one who makes him do his homework, eat his veggies, keeps his girlfriend from staying over… things like that.
If he gets punished, it’s always going to be by you, not his dad, so what often happens is the parent who leaves is idealized. He’s the fun one, you’re the mean one. All of which is a long way of saying, you’re already going to be the bad guy a lot of the time– the situation necessitates it.
Don’t pile onto it by being the one who “took his daddy away from him,” because chances are, no matter how good your intentions are, that’s how he’ll see it. Just let it play out, try to prepare him for his father’s potential move as best as you can, and be there with lots of hugs when he gets hurt.
Never commented before, but this hit close to home. My son’s father relinquished his parental rights when my son was four. My husband adopted him. Things were good for many years until bio dad tried to come back and be apart of my son’s life. We told him no – Our family was stressed and our son was hurt all over again. We couldn’t let bio dad come and disrupt his life. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision to encourage bio dad to walk away in the first place.
I haven’t read thru all the comments but I get your dilemma. My advice-leave it and move on. B will be angry with you if you limit/stop their interactions. Your ex sounds childish enough that he would blame you (for his own screwed up situation) and punish you in werid ways. This all has to play out and you can’t control it. The best you can do is bring up the situation from time to time with B and explain to B that his dad is from canada and what it’s like to live in another country, and sometimes people have to return to that county… just start laying the groundwork so if he does get his a#$ kicked out of the US, B will have some understanding to work from. Don’t bring it up as a big deal, more of just teaching moments. Know what I mean? I always think if you do prep work on people the bad news doesn’t feel as awful. The shock factor is taken away. Your ex sounds like such a jerk and it sucks that you have to work harder to make up for his shortcomings.
The best thing B has going for him is that you are his mom and you value the stability in your life. B will always feel safe knowing you are there to take care of him as much as possible. Sadly, his dad will probably disappoint him over and over again. When B gets older (18, 19, 20) he’ll have enough strength to deal with these issues on his own. The fact that you know this has the potential to be a big issue speaks volumes about you. Good luck.
I just looked at this and it doesn’t seem clear. I mean, move on from the drama and pretend it never happened. Don’t limit contact. Man, I’m long winded and I never made my point clear.
Alaina, this is a really sucky situation to be put into, isn’t it? I’m sorry you have to deal with this crap.
I’ve often wished that my son’s father would just get up and leave (he has another child in New Jersey, who I’ve seen him disappoint now more times than I can count) and never contact us again. I’ve also often thought about the future, when I’ll be the one explaining to my son why his dad didn’t show up, or why he can’t be there for his birthday, or for Christmas, or for whatever, and it scares me have to death. I’d rather have to deal with the disappointment a thousdand times over myself, then make my baby have to go through this.
Here’s my take on your situation—
I think that you should just let things play out, document, document, document (something I’m sure you’re doing, I think you actually advised me to do it too). Like other commenters said, your ex is the type of person who will throw it in your face, or put the blame on you if you don’t allow him to see Benjamin.
Essentially, he will be the “Disney Dad” (a friend mentioned that term to me, and I loved it), the guy who comes and sweeps B away for a few days, takes him somewhere fun (if he decides to show up) and won’t be the major disciplinarian. All you can do is know that you’re doing the best for B, and that he will eventually grow up and realize that his main supporter and source of care and concern was you. YOU are the one doing it all. Although you have to deal with all the crappy stuff, you also have the blessings of seeing everything and watching him grow up, every single day. The sooner you can explain to him in a way that he understands that his father isn’t reliable (without badmouthing him, which is SO. HARD.) and may not always be there, the better. There’s really no way to properly set him up for the disappointment, but just let him know that you will ALWAYS be there for him, and that you are never going anywhere.
I have to say that you are one of the main people who has given me support and a sense of hope for what I’ve been going through. What you have to keep in mind is that you are amazing, and one day your son will know just what a rock star his mom is.
Thank you so much… this is a really helpful comment. The Disney Dad image is now permanently seared on my mind. Wow. Scary but probably likely.
I agree with a lot of people that are commenting in that I believe you should let things play out. Don’t give you Ex a chance to say later “your mother didn’t let me see you.” This will hurt your relationship with Benjamin eventually. However, if you let things play out, Benjamin will eventually see who his father really is for himself. It will hurt but at least it is an experience that you will be able to help him through.
I agree with the above responses…
Benjamin will grow up and realize who the parent was who was always there. Either way in this situation, Benjamin will be hurt, but if you are the one to limit the visition he may blame you. And it sounds like your ex isn’t above making sure Benjamin thinks that way. My advice is to allow life to take its course and to just be there when Benjamin needs you. I know it’s hard and you want to protect him, but unfortunately, you can’t protect him from the pain his father leaving will cause, you can only support and guide him in this case.
As long as you’re confident he won’t take Benjamin with him, I wouldn’t limit contact. I’ve chosen to allow things that rubbed me wrong in the spirit of NOT being the one who cramps my kids’ relationship with their dad. I never want them to have an opportunity to say “mommy, you didn’t let us …”
So long as you have no concerns about Benjamin’s dad taking him to Canada or anything I say let the visitation continue as arranged. The only difference is timing; whether Benjamin is sad now over not seeing his dad or sad when (if) he does leave for Canada. SO let him have this time and the chance to make a few more memories. You’ve given and will give Benjamin the foundation to make a decision or draw an opinion on his father. And you’ll be there for him always. Let this play out. Best wishes.xo
I respond as a school counselor, single momma myself, and as a child of divorced parents. As long as your son is safe w/his father: fed, clothed, basic needs met, etc., I’m not sure cutting off contact w/his dad preemptively is in either of your best interests. I know if I had found out that my mom had told my dad to go away or stay away during one of the (many) times he was absent, I would have been extremely angry with her. She chose to let him stay in my life and make his own mistakes. I’ve had to deal with the fallout and pain of some of them, but I dealt with them instead of having someone else influence them. I know your kiddo is smaller and less able to defend himself, but if he enjoys time w/his dad and is safe, I’m not sure at this point it makes sense to cut their ties. Ultimately, those struggles w/his dad could teach him to persevere in other areas of his life when he has difficult. And really, you’ve enjoyed having your time alone, too. That is important to consider. Don’t forget you and your needs in this, too. Whatever you decide, good luck. I’m thinking of you!
I agree with everyone else –don’t interfere, it will do more harm than good in the end BUT you certainly have a right to ascertain what is going on in his father’s life and where he will be taking Benjamin for weekend etc… since the last message you got from him was that he was no longer with girlfriend. So where is he living and is that a decent place for Benjamin? is legit question. HOwever, it sounds like they got in a fight, be blasted a text off to you, and then they made up and he is back there. Not exactly a great situation but if that is where Benjamin has been in past and it is “okay”, I would let it be.
UPDATE:
First of all, thank you so much for centering me on this everyone.
Last night I texted him back and told him, that yes, that would be fine. FYI – He is back with his girlfriend, otherwise he would be homeless. And yes, I am concerned about Benjamin witnessing what I know all too well from personal experience.
As far as asking his dad what his plans are, etc. That won’t happen because having a conversation with him, especially an important one is next to impossible. He just doesn’t care and at every chance he dumps all blame on me for our current situation. So any conversation quickly turns to something else, to the blame game.
And they do the same thing every weekend – Benjamin plays outside with his psuedo-step brother, often unsupervised. Urgh. It’s just a crap shoot, but you’re right – I can’t control this.
And this – my friends – is THE hardest thing about being a single parent with an ex who is unpredictable/unstable/unemployed.
AGREED.
What a tough situtation to be in. I’m sorry that you and especially Benjamin are having to go through this. I was in a similar situtation with my son’s father as far as being unstable, unpredictable and only semi-employed. He’s seen him total of 7 times since he was born 3 and a half years ago and only tries to come around when it’s convenient for him. I told him from day one that I expected consistency in my son’s life and that I would give him some time to prepare and to prove himself, which I did. I gave him 3 years and he made minimal effort. Over the summer I spoke to my family’s attorney about seeking sole custody, for legal purposes (not necessarily to keep him away) and I feel great about that choice. Good ol’ dad chose to sign over his rights, no questions asked so I definitely know that I did what was best. Now I have the reassurance that if something were to happen to me that D is going to be taken care of by family that loves him and that he knows.
Alaina, I, too, feel like I have to protect my little one from his dad, so I get your dilemma.
You can’t cut him off. You have to let them have the relationship they will have, regardless of how painful or non-existent it may be. If your ex ends up hurting Benjamin, Benjamin will be stronger for it, just like you were when your ex hurt you. It’s part of growing up, and even though it may happen tomorrow, Benjamin has to live his own life, and have his own reality when it comes to his dad.
“but you’re right – I can’t control this.
“And this – my friends – is THE hardest thing about being a single parent with an ex who is unpredictable/unstable/unemployed.”
My dear, I totally agree with you, and this whas the first cruel lesson that I ‘ve learned when my divorce has began.
love, louisa
It would be better – in the long run – that Benjamin understood that you did everything you could to facilitate a relationship between him and his father (difficult as that may be at times)…. especially because his father sounds like the kind of person who isn’t capable of having a relationship with his son without your guidance. Benjamin probably doesn’t appreciate it now, and may not in the next few (or several) years to come. But there will come a time when – regardless of how things turn out – he will come to know that his mother did her best to make sure he knew his father. And that will especially be valuable to him if it turns out that his father returns to Canada and chooses to not have any kind of relationship with Benjamin.
Haven’t read any of the comments but my true feeling? Let your ex have him as agreed. It sounds like only a matter of time before he self destructs and leaves for good. Best make it his (fault/) decision. Then when Benjamin is older and more able to understand, you can be truthful about doing your part enabling him to see his dad. No guilt.
I haven’t read the other responses yet because I feel the need to write so urgently. I am a child of divorced parents and that’s the position from which I write. You do not have a moral dilemna here. You are looking for an excuse to cut out Benjamin’s father from his life. That is your issue. Don’t pretend that you are trying to “protect” your kid. Yes, I’m harsh, but I’m being honest. The ex did nothing wrong here. The only dysfunction I see is that you two are still so enmeshed. Why does he text you at all about his relationship status? He hooked you into his bullshit and you took the bait. I think the best move you made was saying “Keep my posted.” Good for you! Healthy boundaries! Smart! You have issues with your ex and I’m sure they are all valid. However, the kid is best served having a relationship with his Dad, even if that said relationship is flawed and sometimes hurtful. Welcome to parent-child relationships! My point is that a kid who cried to Santa “I miss my Daddy”, needs his Daddy in his life. Unless the ex is abusive to the kid then I really think you need to allow them to have a relationship. Sounds like the ex is flakey about moving out of the country. If I were you I would limit communication to polite essentials about the kid. Don’t get hooked into his drama. You don’t need to. You’re divorced! Yeah! But really, I apologize if I come across as harsh but I feel strongly about this issue. Unless the ex is abusing your kid, believe it or not, your kid is benefitting from knowing his Dad. Even if your boyfriend if amazing, the kid needs to know his Dad. You must be honest with yourself, are you protecting the kid or acting out of your own issues with the ex?
He says he misses his daddy whenever he is upset. I think that’s something to point out – I know a lot of the other single moms have said their kids cry out for daddy, only when they’re unhappy with us moms. Especially when we are disciplining them… like I was when he was having a tantrum in public and running away from me. Just FYI.
That aside, I agree with you – and everyone else – that Benjamin should have his father in his life. It’s just a bit unnerving when he says he is going to leave the country and is having fights with his girlfriend.
See my update above for my decision about this weekend.
Maybe it’s possible that Benjamin has a hard time separating the pain he feels when he’s upset from the pain he feels at being separated from his father? That could be why feelings of being emotionally upset about intangible things prompt him to say that he misses his father. Don’t know.
In any case, I’d agree with previous posters. Taking his father out of his life because you’re afraid that, on down the line, his father will disappear from his life, sounds a lot like committing suicide for fear of death.
As the wife of a man who was abandoned by his mother as a boy, take it from me. You don’t want to have to tell your son that you were the one that nudged his father away. As he grows, tell him the unvarnished truth … don’t defend his father or you will become an accessory to his father’s faults. The truth is that even self-involved parents love their children … they just don’t do it well. And as he grows into his own choices about his father … support him whether he chooses to pursue or discontinue that relationship.
Wow, this is a tough one. Its the kind that pulls at your heartstrings because you don’t want that little boy to hate you when he grows up. But its not your fault. My Son’s Father moved clear across the United States earlier this year. I’ve been dealing with a very angry 12 year old. He is failing in school, in return making me feel like a failure as well. So like you, are doing what you think is right by keeping him in his Father’s life even though they are the ones wanting to leave. I had made a very tough decision, and that was to move so my Son could still be close to his Dad even though his new Wife is extremely jealous of me, she has nothing to worry about. I personally for my own situation it is the only answer to help my Son with his failing grades. Plus him being a Pre-teen..is scaring the crap out of me.
Ahhhhh……this is a situation I know far too well. You want to cut the ropes and lock the door and do the old…to hell with you and all the chances you’ve wasted. Alaina, you’re the better person, you’re his mama, the stability, the nightime tucker-inner, and the bedtime story teller!! It’s sometimes hard to be the better person, and I’ve learned this the hard way, and secretly wished along they way how great it would be to assume the role of the not-so-better person.
In time, and that sounds like it’s going to be sooner than later, Benjamin’s father is going to head north, and chances are, won’t be seen again for years. In the end, it will be best to know in your heart that he’s the one that walked away, and you know that you did what was right, what you’re suppose to do as the mama…the tucker-inner, etc…….you kept on, supported Benjamin and his relationship with his father in the best and worst times…..even if you have to bite your lip and stomp your feet in the process…..you want to always be able to look that little guy in the eye and say, “Yes, your father left, but I have always been right here, and always will be…no matter what”.
You’re doing a great job….you’re juggling all these little balls, and you’re doing awesome!!! Just keep on keepin’ on!!!! : )
Here’s me, chiming in late. My two cents worth: If you cut the contact, your son will hold you responsible. If you let his father screw it up in his own good time, it’ll be on him. Simple as that. No matter how crap a father he is, Benjamin is going to see him as a great white knight until he’s old enough to decide that he’s a bit of a schlub, all on his own. Until then, I think we, as the primary parents, need to facilitate the relationship as much as we can – not for the sake of the shite parent, but for our kids.
I’m a little late on this one, and I didn’t take the time to read everyone else’s comments, so I may be saying the the same thing, but I thought I’d chime in anyway. Since he already sees his dad, I think you should let things continue as usual. I know we don’t want our kids to hurt, but it’s part of life and you can’t protect him from all disappointments (and he wouldn’t make a very well-adjusted adult someday if you did). Plus, if you stop contact in order to protect him, you’ll be the bad guy. Let his father be the bad guy if he chooses to leave. And just be there for him when it happens. I don’ t think that cutting off contact now is going to keep him from feeling loss anyway.
I know it isn’t easy. My ex has been in prison since before my daughter was born and she doesn’t know him at all. But she still feels the loss (she’s three), so I’m sure that Benjamin would too, especially since he already has been around his dad.
Please let fate take it’s own course. As an adopted child I have my parents (the man and woman who raised me), a birth mom, a birth dad; along with ALL of their current and ex-spouses. Then ALL of the grandparents. Then ALL of the siblings (full, half and steps). Everyone one of them has a place in my life – a place that I chose to put them in; I got to choose, because out of ALL of these people – no one played with fate. Therefore – the people I have cut out of my life, were cut out because I cut them out – without any one else’s influence. Does it hurt to find out your birth father is a poor excuse for a human being? You bet it does. But at least I know it for myself – not because anyone hid information from me, or tried to protect me. Please let your son see you as a mother who only speaks of the positive things about his father – let him find out the truth on his own.
I feel the same way. I struggle with this every time my son comes back home sick to his stomach and exhausted, when I have to sit up and hold him all night. My ex is an alcoholic (he refuses to admit this) and used to steal all my prescription pain meds. The day that I left him I knew this would be painful ( thats why I stayed with him for 6 months after our son’s birth). I sometimes sit up and cry about this. I wish that his would leave and never come back. I know that he needs to see his father, but I’m 100% sure that another man could be a better father to my son. A father that doesn’t always put himself first over his child. It’s such a bad place that we are in, sometimes almost too much to bare!