Comments on: The hero deadbeat? http://mssinglemama.com/2009/11/11/hero-deadbeat/ Single Mom Dating, Love, and Life Advice Fri, 19 Mar 2010 04:18:51 -0400 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Elae http://mssinglemama.com/2009/11/11/hero-deadbeat/#comment-14789 Elae Sun, 13 Dec 2009 20:52:55 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=4892#comment-14789 Ali, Thank you for your post. It has brought tears to my eyes and truly inspired me in deeper ways than you can imagine. You are a wonderful mother. My own experience raising my four children for many years alone, with NO child support and a father that only saw the children when I arranged to fly them to him ... has caused more anger than I'd like to express in this post. All I can say is, I relate to many of these women on this site. The hard working mom ... the dead-beat/non-existent/immortalized/victimized father… I understand the emotional roller coaster and the desire to protect our children from the pain we fear will come from their unmet expectations of their father. I LOVE how you so wisely reminded me of the difference my idea of ‘Dad’ is compared to theirs. It is almost liberating when I wrap my head around that thought and remove that expectation from my ex-husband. Thank you again for your beautiful insight. Love always feels better than Hate. And forgiveness is freedom to the heart…My children, who are now 23, 21, 18 and 15 have done a great job of categorizing and pitting their father – I think it was the only way they could handle the unmet expectation. As for me – I am still working on channeling my anger to more productive measures … like shifting the energy to the court system to someday get back the $150,000 in arrearages… and even if I never see a dime of it …. At least I’ve channeled the negativity away from our home. Ali,
Thank you for your post. It has brought tears to my eyes and truly inspired me in deeper ways than you can imagine. You are a wonderful mother. My own experience raising my four children for many years alone, with NO child support and a father that only saw the children when I arranged to fly them to him … has caused more anger than I’d like to express in this post. All I can say is, I relate to many of these women on this site. The hard working mom … the dead-beat/non-existent/immortalized/victimized father… I understand the emotional roller coaster and the desire to protect our children from the pain we fear will come from their unmet expectations of their father. I LOVE how you so wisely reminded me of the difference my idea of ‘Dad’ is compared to theirs. It is almost liberating when I wrap my head around that thought and remove that expectation from my ex-husband. Thank you again for your beautiful insight. Love always feels better than Hate. And forgiveness is freedom to the heart…My children, who are now 23, 21, 18 and 15 have done a great job of categorizing and pitting their father – I think it was the only way they could handle the unmet expectation. As for me – I am still working on channeling my anger to more productive measures … like shifting the energy to the court system to someday get back the $150,000 in arrearages… and even if I never see a dime of it …. At least I’ve channeled the negativity away from our home.

]]> By: Tricia http://mssinglemama.com/2009/11/11/hero-deadbeat/#comment-14498 Tricia Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:58:31 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=4892#comment-14498 My girls, 13 and 14, never went through a phase that they wanted THEIR DAD. The oldest wanted A DAD, just not hers. Maybe they saw too much, experienced too much, remember too much. But they never asked. For me, that is good. I always try to tell them only the good things. Sometimes that leaves me with nothing to say about the man, but I try. My girls, 13 and 14, never went through a phase that they wanted THEIR DAD. The oldest wanted A DAD, just not hers. Maybe they saw too much, experienced too much, remember too much. But they never asked. For me, that is good. I always try to tell them only the good things. Sometimes that leaves me with nothing to say about the man, but I try.

]]> By: momma sunshine http://mssinglemama.com/2009/11/11/hero-deadbeat/#comment-14483 momma sunshine Wed, 18 Nov 2009 13:36:24 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=4892#comment-14483 Don't you think that it's a kind of unfair statement to make "most of you moms really just want us dads to go away". That's a HUUUUGE generalization and not fair at all, particularly when there are so many of us out there who simply want the dads to think of the children and step up to the plate when it comes to sharing parenting responsibility. Don’t you think that it’s a kind of unfair statement to make “most of you moms really just want us dads to go away”. That’s a HUUUUGE generalization and not fair at all, particularly when there are so many of us out there who simply want the dads to think of the children and step up to the plate when it comes to sharing parenting responsibility.

]]> By: arscuore http://mssinglemama.com/2009/11/11/hero-deadbeat/#comment-14450 arscuore Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:59:17 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=4892#comment-14450 I wasn't offended, just wanted to point out that it isn't as easy as turning off a switch. In my own case, I just have anger for my son, that he isn't being treated with the respect and attention he deserves, and that every soon-to-be-eight yo deserves. I don't see how I can ever forgive the ex for that, but indifference is my ultimate goal! : ) I wasn’t offended, just wanted to point out that it isn’t as easy as turning off a switch. In my own case, I just have anger for my son, that he isn’t being treated with the respect and attention he deserves, and that every soon-to-be-eight yo deserves. I don’t see how I can ever forgive the ex for that, but indifference is my ultimate goal! : )

]]> By: Melissa http://mssinglemama.com/2009/11/11/hero-deadbeat/#comment-14432 Melissa Sun, 15 Nov 2009 03:17:01 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=4892#comment-14432 My parents separated when I was 2. For the first year, my dad would show up and visit when he felt like it -- 2 weeks, then a month, then a couple days, then a couple months, then a week. Every time, I was SO excited when he got there and then cried my eyes out when he left because I had no idea when he was coming back. My mom couldn't take it anymore, so she told him he could either set a schedule and show up when he was supposed or don't come back at all. He chose to take off. My whole childhood, I secretly resented my mom for giving him that choice. He was MY dad and how could she send him away? Instead of missing him for a month between random visits, I missed him for 22 years. When I was 25 and in law school and no longer living with my mom, I found him. We exchanged a few letters and a few emails. He apologized and swore that he and my mom made the best decision they could for me. My life was better without him. How could that be? We talked about meeting -- in Texas (I live in Pennsylvania) as soon as I could afford a ticket. (Seriously). When I got engaged, I emailed him -- great news dad, I'm engaged! His response, "That's great, kid. So, I've been selling insurance online. Here's the website. If you decide it looks good, order it through me, not through the website. Otherwise, I won't get credit." Wait, did I just tell my dad that I am getting married and he tried to sell me life insurance? Yep. That was the last time I emailed him. It was 2002. My mom, who I love and respect completely, lives in the same house that they lived in together (it was my grandparents' house) and had the same phone number until just a couple years ago. If you google me today, with his last name, I am the first person that comes up. He hasn't. In one of his letters, he said "I always told everyone that I had 3 daughters -- you, [and my 2 half sisters]." Funny, I always told people I didn't have a dad. I still don't. In his case, once a deadbeat, always a deadbeat. I will do as much as I can to keep my ex in my son's life. As I noted in a recent post here, I even have a petition pending to compel my ex to go to co-parenting counseling with me so that we can learn to communicate. I chose to file for child support, not because I need the money, but because I want him to stay connected. But, if despite my best intentions my ex fades away, I am confident that, like me, my son will idealize him because it's what kids need to do, but he will always know that I love him and I am here for him for every scraped knee and every broken heart -- and that will be true no matter what kind of daddy he has. When he says, "my daddy is the best and I love him," I say, "of course!" and say a prayer in my heart that he's right. It's the best I can do. My parents separated when I was 2. For the first year, my dad would show up and visit when he felt like it — 2 weeks, then a month, then a couple days, then a couple months, then a week. Every time, I was SO excited when he got there and then cried my eyes out when he left because I had no idea when he was coming back. My mom couldn’t take it anymore, so she told him he could either set a schedule and show up when he was supposed or don’t come back at all. He chose to take off. My whole childhood, I secretly resented my mom for giving him that choice. He was MY dad and how could she send him away? Instead of missing him for a month between random visits, I missed him for 22 years.

When I was 25 and in law school and no longer living with my mom, I found him. We exchanged a few letters and a few emails. He apologized and swore that he and my mom made the best decision they could for me. My life was better without him. How could that be? We talked about meeting — in Texas (I live in Pennsylvania) as soon as I could afford a ticket. (Seriously). When I got engaged, I emailed him — great news dad, I’m engaged! His response, “That’s great, kid. So, I’ve been selling insurance online. Here’s the website. If you decide it looks good, order it through me, not through the website. Otherwise, I won’t get credit.” Wait, did I just tell my dad that I am getting married and he tried to sell me life insurance? Yep. That was the last time I emailed him. It was 2002.

My mom, who I love and respect completely, lives in the same house that they lived in together (it was my grandparents’ house) and had the same phone number until just a couple years ago. If you google me today, with his last name, I am the first person that comes up. He hasn’t. In one of his letters, he said “I always told everyone that I had 3 daughters — you, [and my 2 half sisters].” Funny, I always told people I didn’t have a dad. I still don’t. In his case, once a deadbeat, always a deadbeat.

I will do as much as I can to keep my ex in my son’s life. As I noted in a recent post here, I even have a petition pending to compel my ex to go to co-parenting counseling with me so that we can learn to communicate. I chose to file for child support, not because I need the money, but because I want him to stay connected. But, if despite my best intentions my ex fades away, I am confident that, like me, my son will idealize him because it’s what kids need to do, but he will always know that I love him and I am here for him for every scraped knee and every broken heart — and that will be true no matter what kind of daddy he has. When he says, “my daddy is the best and I love him,” I say, “of course!” and say a prayer in my heart that he’s right. It’s the best I can do.

]]> By: Travis http://mssinglemama.com/2009/11/11/hero-deadbeat/#comment-14431 Travis Sat, 14 Nov 2009 23:57:19 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=4892#comment-14431 Wow, I'm almost afraid to reply to this... I try and view this from my own viewpoint. thirty years ago, your only option was telephone and snail mail. He's a doctor, so it's not like he isn't bright. I wonder if he was a deadbeat (Which just doesn't jive with "Dr. Becker") If he was, he was litterly intentionally withholding. Something is just off about all of this. Without more than: "April Becker’s parents separated after a fight. April Becker was a baby when her mother left her father and she never knew her father, Doctor Scott Becker" It doesn't give us any insight into the longevity of the fight, if there were previous ones and whether or not it was her or him that left. Who knows, she could of been punishing him by leaving. And then again, I'm certain that for at least 20 years, he could at least get a hold of extended family... I'm just scratching my head at all the directions this could lead... Just odd. But give hope that their present is resolved, and they will have hope for the future. As for all the comments... I have learned a great deal about single moms, and the struggles. When I got divorced I forced the issue to make time and that she couldn't take my fatherhood away (she tried tell everyone I abandoned the kids), I pay my child support and not just the base amount. I went and offered to extend it to the full amount (Makes my living tough, but it really benefits the kids). I have been enlightened and angered to all the men out there, who were easy and quick to abandon. As I am in a position to be introduced to single mothers, there actions have made it very difficult to get close. They have to be strong, and that means normal relationships have a hard time existing. For the good guys who got screwed over, we have a difficult time finding the one, until hearts have been softened that not all men suck. But as a poster above said, it's a people problem. we can all suck, if we allow ourselves. Wow, I’m almost afraid to reply to this…

I try and view this from my own viewpoint. thirty years ago, your only option was telephone and snail mail. He’s a doctor, so it’s not like he isn’t bright. I wonder if he was a deadbeat (Which just doesn’t jive with “Dr. Becker”) If he was, he was litterly intentionally withholding. Something is just off about all of this.

Without more than:

“April Becker’s parents separated after a fight. April Becker was a baby when her mother left her father and she never knew her father, Doctor Scott Becker”

It doesn’t give us any insight into the longevity of the fight, if there were previous ones and whether or not it was her or him that left. Who knows, she could of been punishing him by leaving. And then again, I’m certain that for at least 20 years, he could at least get a hold of extended family…

I’m just scratching my head at all the directions this could lead… Just odd. But give hope that their present is resolved, and they will have hope for the future.

As for all the comments… I have learned a great deal about single moms, and the struggles. When I got divorced I forced the issue to make time and that she couldn’t take my fatherhood away (she tried tell everyone I abandoned the kids), I pay my child support and not just the base amount. I went and offered to extend it to the full amount (Makes my living tough, but it really benefits the kids). I have been enlightened and angered to all the men out there, who were easy and quick to abandon. As I am in a position to be introduced to single mothers, there actions have made it very difficult to get close. They have to be strong, and that means normal relationships have a hard time existing. For the good guys who got screwed over, we have a difficult time finding the one, until hearts have been softened that not all men suck.

But as a poster above said, it’s a people problem. we can all suck, if we allow ourselves.

]]> By: Alain http://mssinglemama.com/2009/11/11/hero-deadbeat/#comment-14426 Alain Sat, 14 Nov 2009 09:38:05 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=4892#comment-14426 nice story but i really can't think off maintaing love relationship without communication its really hard to do................. nice story but i really can’t think off maintaing love relationship without communication its really hard to do……………..

]]> By: GreenInOC http://mssinglemama.com/2009/11/11/hero-deadbeat/#comment-14424 GreenInOC Fri, 13 Nov 2009 23:37:01 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=4892#comment-14424 Don't forget, this was 30 years ago - no internet, no cell phones, most records were not digital. It was quite easy to disappear and many many people did. He does state that he has been looking for her for the entire 30 years, he has spent tens of thousands of dollars on private investigators trying to find her. He created the website about 10 years ago. http://www.momlogic.com/2009/11/scott_becker_looking_for_april.php Don’t forget, this was 30 years ago – no internet, no cell phones, most records were not digital. It was quite easy to disappear and many many people did.

He does state that he has been looking for her for the entire 30 years, he has spent tens of thousands of dollars on private investigators trying to find her.

He created the website about 10 years ago.

http://www.momlogic.com/2009/11/scott_becker_looking_for_april.php

]]> By: Violet http://mssinglemama.com/2009/11/11/hero-deadbeat/#comment-14420 Violet Fri, 13 Nov 2009 19:04:26 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=4892#comment-14420 I'm an adult child who's father abandoned me and my sister when my parents divorced. For the first few months he would call and we got a few letters and sent a few letters in return. He wanted us to come back to visit him for the summer by ourselves and me and my sister were only 5yrs. old and 3 yrs. old and we were scared to fly on a plane alone and be away from our mom for that long, so after that he never tried to stay in touch. He was in Illinois, we were in California. He didn't pay child support ever, because if he was going to pay he wanted us to come visit him. So when I was about 16 yrs. old my little sister wanted to find him and get to know that side of our family and she was able to look up our grandparents who were still living in the same town and called them up. Mind you they knew how to get in touch with us but never bothered to stay in touch with their grandkids after our parents divorced. When she contacted him, he did the usual deadbeat dad thing and told her how much he wanted to get to know us and wanted to be in our lives, etc. He wanted to talk to me of course as well, but I really didn't have anything to say to him. He was remarried and had several kids and as far as I saw it, there was no excuse for not helping to support us and keeping in touch with us. He could have come out to visit us, but didn't. He wanted us to come to him. His life was so different than the way we grew up and in a lot of ways I was really glad that he hadn't tried to stay in our lives. He continued to call and write for several years and I tolerated it, but when I was 21 yrs. old and he left a message on my answering machine on father's day about how he was hurt that I didn't call on father's day to wish him a happy father's day; that was the end of that. It really pissed me off that he had the audacity to think that he deserved to be honored on father's day when he hadn't been there the whole time I was growing up and never once tried to call me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday or on Christmas. I never returned his call and haven't heard from him since. I only hope that my daughter can be that smart and strong to know that the bullshit her dad might tell her one day is just that. What is ironic about this is that he just found me about a week ago on facebook and contacted me and told me about how well he was doing and he is remarried and has custody of his older daughter from a previous marriage, but didn't once ask about how our daughter was doing, who he hadn't seen since she was an infant. He hasn't paid child support ever, either. Needless to say, I'm glad he seems to have gotten his life together, but what about our daughter? She deserves so much more than that! I’m an adult child who’s father abandoned me and my sister when my parents divorced. For the first few months he would call and we got a few letters and sent a few letters in return. He wanted us to come back to visit him for the summer by ourselves and me and my sister were only 5yrs. old and 3 yrs. old and we were scared to fly on a plane alone and be away from our mom for that long, so after that he never tried to stay in touch. He was in Illinois, we were in California. He didn’t pay child support ever, because if he was going to pay he wanted us to come visit him. So when I was about 16 yrs. old my little sister wanted to find him and get to know that side of our family and she was able to look up our grandparents who were still living in the same town and called them up. Mind you they knew how to get in touch with us but never bothered to stay in touch with their grandkids after our parents divorced. When she contacted him, he did the usual deadbeat dad thing and told her how much he wanted to get to know us and wanted to be in our lives, etc. He wanted to talk to me of course as well, but I really didn’t have anything to say to him. He was remarried and had several kids and as far as I saw it, there was no excuse for not helping to support us and keeping in touch with us. He could have come out to visit us, but didn’t. He wanted us to come to him. His life was so different than the way we grew up and in a lot of ways I was really glad that he hadn’t tried to stay in our lives. He continued to call and write for several years and I tolerated it, but when I was 21 yrs. old and he left a message on my answering machine on father’s day about how he was hurt that I didn’t call on father’s day to wish him a happy father’s day; that was the end of that. It really pissed me off that he had the audacity to think that he deserved to be honored on father’s day when he hadn’t been there the whole time I was growing up and never once tried to call me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday or on Christmas. I never returned his call and haven’t heard from him since.

I only hope that my daughter can be that smart and strong to know that the bullshit her dad might tell her one day is just that. What is ironic about this is that he just found me about a week ago on facebook and contacted me and told me about how well he was doing and he is remarried and has custody of his older daughter from a previous marriage, but didn’t once ask about how our daughter was doing, who he hadn’t seen since she was an infant. He hasn’t paid child support ever, either. Needless to say, I’m glad he seems to have gotten his life together, but what about our daughter? She deserves so much more than that!

]]> By: Ms. Single Mama http://mssinglemama.com/2009/11/11/hero-deadbeat/#comment-14416 Ms. Single Mama Fri, 13 Nov 2009 16:52:35 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=4892#comment-14416 Curious to see more on this story-- do we know more? I don't have a TV - so are they doing the rounds on Oprah, etc yet? I wonder if they - the two of them - will talk about fathers skipping out and why they shouldn't. But I agree - move forward - at least he will be a good father now and the last point is fantastic - this is about the woman's journey. Great comments everyone! Curious to see more on this story– do we know more? I don’t have a TV – so are they doing the rounds on Oprah, etc yet?

I wonder if they – the two of them – will talk about fathers skipping out and why they shouldn’t.

But I agree – move forward – at least he will be a good father now and the last point is fantastic – this is about the woman’s journey. Great comments everyone!

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