We are in the swell, waiting for the wave to push us onto the beach.
In a few weeks Benjamin will be starting at his big boy private Montessori school while Mommy goes off to work again. And something else is changing.
Benjamin’s father won’t be here this week
or the next.
His Canadian passport has expired along with his drivers license and permanent residence card. That means my little guy will be all mine for the time being.
Which is just fine with me. And as for the mess his father is in, I don’t feel an ounce of guilt. For the first time in three years I can’t help him. These expirations, the unemployment, the phone calls from the child support agency – I can’t solve any of these self-inflicted quandaries.
And although I feel relieved that the other shoe may finally be dropping, that he may finally be out of our lives instead of just kind of here, I still don’t know how I will answer the questions when they come. I am also coming to peace with the fact that Benjamin’s relationship with his father is nothing I can control.
Whatever happens between Benjamin and his father will be between them.
But in my version of the story as soon as Benjamin finds him he kicks his ass for me, Sunny style.
Don’t tell him I said that.
And yes, this will be one of the posts I delete as soon as Benjamin can read so lay off and let me vent.