Bikini Wearing Waitresses

by mssinglemama on September 16, 2009

A word, if I may, about bikini wearing waitresses and other things that drive women nuts.

If you are ever dating a guy and said guy walks into a bar with waitresses wearing bikinis, or a strip joint or a Hooter’s and then let’s say you get a bit upset by this. Perhaps your ex-husband had a bad habit of going to these seedy places or maybe you just think he should be doing something better with his time, like sleeping with you. Bottom line – you’re upset.

Let’s say you fly off the handle, albeit not in a Jerry Springer style way – nothing that would genuinely freak him out or make him fear for his life – but let’s say you’re upset and the two of you have just started seeing each other. And then the guy drops you after you have told him to drop off the face of the Earth.

Do you feel bad?

Do you blame yourself for freaking out?

Do you say, “You know what I am overreacting. He just went to a bar with half naked women for an hour. What’s the big deal?”

First of all, I’m not a fan of these places. Never have been, never will be. In fact, I always told my friends and even ex-boyfriends that I thought all of it was disgusting and that any “real man” would be busy with a “real woman.” Righteous and awful of me to be so judgmental, I know, but in the end I got what I wanted because I didn’t settle.

All of that aside… there is one question you should be asking yourself when something like the above dating scenario plays out.

“Why would I want to be with someone who would choose watching a waitress in a bikini over me? And why would I want to be with someone who wouldn’t at least put up a fight if I tried to push him away, a very natural thing to do if I’ve been hurt in the past. I am willing to lay it all down if he is.”

That is the thought that should be running through your mind.

Many men, I found in all of my years of dating, walk away very easily when you tell them to go. These are the men we pine after, perhaps wonder what we can do to get them back and these are the men we blame ourselves for freaking out on or for losing. But in more recent years I realized, thanks to having Benjamin, that any man who wouldn’t walk through hell to have me wasn’t worth having.

And if he can’t handle you telling him how you feel than you may as well re-marry your ex-husband.

Phew. Now that’s a thought.

Just a little pep talk as we enter yet another weekend filled with dates and some not-so-worthy men.

Read what I told Yvonne in the discussion on my Single Mom Forum.

And don’t be so quick to blame yourself.

Related posts:

  1. Such a Tease!
  2. Whispers
  3. The ultimate prize: a single mom.

{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }

Erin B September 16, 2009 at 5:01 pm

Well said, Mama! Keep on rockin’!

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Julie McDonald September 16, 2009 at 5:23 pm

I just asked myself these very same questions today, after freaking out a bit on someone for less than chivalrous behavior, and then dumping them. I must say I am feeling pretty fine, having stood up for myself and not lowered my standards — and as usual your assessment of the situation is right on target!! Now I’ll go continue to rock my world, and if someone who can keep up with me shows up, well then he can join the ride!!

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cme September 16, 2009 at 5:41 pm

I should have known when I asked my ex not to get lap dances at a strip club and he said no, that he wasn’t worthy. But I got a beautiful little boy out if it. My current thinks strip clubs and the like are disgusting and thinks going to them is disrespectful to all.

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Simon September 16, 2009 at 6:46 pm

getting lap dances is a little different than waitresses in bikini’s or hooters girls. Actually, VERY different.
I know there are exceptions (and no doubt you all have stories about ‘those guys’) but why couldn’t you just see that these places are just ‘places’ that guys hang out in. We also swear, burp, and (shock horror) break wind occasionally.
It’s along the same logic that my ex used to use when I used to ‘dress up’ to go out with the guys. Just a nice shirt, and some pants. “Why?” she would ask. Is it to impress my guy friends? No. “Then who?”
Give guys some credit. We are human.

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Limey6 September 20, 2009 at 9:38 pm

Well now there might very well be degrees of involvement in the adult entertainment industry, but the bottom line is that a Hooters waitress is involved in the same industry as a lap dancer or adult film star, and they are not very different. If you think it just happens to be somewhere you hang out, i am sorry but you are sadly mistaken. The adult entretainment industry is huge, and very interested in maximising profits by targeting customers, that means you, through subtle and some not-so-subtle means. Obviously this advertising is aimed at you, not your ex girlfriend, and she might have trouble with you going to a Hooters bar, because she might just see it for what it is, part and parcel of the same industry as porn and prostitutes. Having had interactions myself with many women in this line of work (if you must know, it was of the “place your hands behind your back” veriety of interaction) most of them would not choose to be doing it if there was a viable option to get out of it, unfortunatly by the time they realize their options to get out are limited, they quite often have a nasty dose of something which won’t go away, or reguarly enjoy a dose of something, which becomes a problem which won’t go away. So while you and your buddies are having a good time, someone, probably your waitress, is not.

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NewSingleMama September 16, 2009 at 7:05 pm

I really don’t see those types of bars to be a big deal. Girls wear less at the beach or by the pool.
Strip clubs aren’t all that bad either as long as it’s not a regular thing and he’s not sneaking back into the humping room with the strippers.

I don’t think I’m a “fake” woman by any means, but I enjoy having fun every now and then and have seen male dancers or men in skimpy clothes. Yeah, they’re hot but it’s not like I’d ever replace my man with them. And it doesn’t mean I don’t also enjoy a good book or a museum or a quiet evening at the coffee shop as well.

I don’t think it’s fair when women say “You are not allowed to look at any other woman or get aroused by anything other than me” and forbid their man from watching porn or whatever it is they like to do occasionally to get their excitement as long as it’s not sleeping around. Just because you (speaking generally) had a bad experience with your ex engaging in something similar doesn’t mean the new guy has to be punished.

I’ll be honest and say good on him for walking away from such a controlling situation upfront if he knew it wasn’t for him. I would probably do the same thing if a guy I had JUST started dating tried to forbid me from doing something that was innocent and I was honest about.

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T September 17, 2009 at 1:12 pm

I agree with you. I have been to all of the places mentioned and have had a blast at all! As long as it isn’t a habit and he/you would rather be there than together then no harm, no foul. It is just something “different” to do. I love movies, books, etc. as well. I actually don’t appreciate other people making judgements on me or anyone else based on whether or not I have been to a Hooters! The is arrogant and closed minded!

Not to say that there aren’t men/women out there who are addicted to such thngs and avoid relationships through them. But those people are few and far between.

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kristen September 16, 2009 at 7:47 pm

I think this is more about shared values than anything else. If strip clubs or bikini-clad waitress bars are offensive to you as a women, you should be with a guy who believes the same or at least doesn’t go to them. Personally, I’m on that side of the coin. But, I guess, if you are either indifferent to it, or enjoy going to strip clubs yourself, you shouldn’t expect your partner not to.

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mssinglemama September 17, 2009 at 4:20 am

Exactly… a guy can hang out in a bikini bar every day but the he just would not be my kind of guy. If we are dating and I told him this bothers me (when for Yvonne it was because of major indiscretions on her ex’s part) and he ignores my concerns rather than listening and caring than he’s not the guy for me.

That last point is what this blog post is about.

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Joanna September 16, 2009 at 7:53 pm

*steps onto soapbox* Any little boy who disrespects a woman enough to go into those types of places when he is dating, engaged, or married is not worthy of being called a man. My town is full of those places, and I made it very clear to my husband the night of our first date that if any man who was dating me went into one of those places he would, and I quote, “get his balls ripped off and shoved down his throat.” Since then, my wording has become more eloquent, but my meaning is just the same. Not only is it disrespectful, going into a strip club is cheating. And I’ll gladly have a long talk with anyone who happens to disagree with this. Boys are turned on visually, and 90% of clubs have back rooms where they can get bed dances and more. My best friend from back in high school decided to throw away her brains and talent to become a stripper, and in the rare times we’ve come in contact since, she has described herself by saying “I’m a naked babysitter for boyfriends and husbands.” The more dances they sell, the more money they make, and they get pushy. As for the bars with half-naked women in them, they’re not much better. Think of it this way, if a cashier at Walmart is eyeing your guy, how far is a half-naked girl trying to sell large amounts of alcohol going to try and go? Good for you honey! A man who deserves you is going to want only you, and be impressed that you respect yourself enough to be treated well.

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Amyinbc September 16, 2009 at 8:03 pm

“I’m a naked babysitter for boyfriends and husbands.”

Wow, hope she is real proud of that!

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Yvonne September 16, 2009 at 8:24 pm

Well, there was more to the story that I had not revealed…..

He went to the “sportsbar” with several friends to watch the season’s first game. We were supposed to meet up after the game was over around 6pm. My sitter came to relieve me of my mommy duties around 6:30pm. I texted him…no response…I called him…no response. I waited…nothing. It’s now 8pm. I texted him again..nothing. He finally calls me around 8:30pm telling me that he is leaving the bar and heading home to change…so we can meet out in downtown. So I finally leave my house at 9pm. Please consider that I pay my sitter $15 an hour. Anyway, I’m heading downtown and I call him. He answers and by now is drunk and is STILL at the bar. He tells me that he hasn’t gone home but the “bar” is in downtown and that he will meet me at the restaurant. I said fine. Then I get pissed. We’d only been dating for two weeks and I don’t put up with crap so I called him and told him that it was over. He needed to lose my number…I was done. Fortunately, I belong to a meetup that was meeting in downtown that night and so I still went out and had a good time.

The next day he calls to apologize. He said he was freaking out about us. He was insecure because my ex is wealthy and he is a real estate agent and the economy sucks, he didn’t know if he could be the man I needed, he didn’t know if he could trust me, yada, yada. I figured he freaked about us moving too fast, drank too much lost track of time…whatever. So we met for lunch and talked about everything. We got back together and I asked him where he had gone. I hadn’t asked as I figured it was a regular bar. He was honest and told me the truth about going to “Bikini’s”. I didn’t think too much of it until the next day. I searched for the bar and there it was… a bunch of girls in bikinis. No big deal…however, when you put together everything that happened I got pissed and called him…and dumped him again. lol Afterwards, I started having second thoughts….I texted him and told him that I thought we needed to talk. Anyway, he did call me back but by the time he returned my call, I had decided that he was not the man for me. Too much drama…too soon. I miss him, but I know he is not for me. The End. :)

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Yvonne September 16, 2009 at 8:33 pm

I should say that I am very quick to walk away from someone. When I met my ex there were sooo many red flags that I chose to ignore. Looking back, they are so clear but at the time I was so blinded by love….That now, if I see the slightest red flag I freak out and run. It has gotten to the point where I really don’t know if I am overreacting or not. That’s why I second guess myself. I want to make sure I don’t walk away from the “right” man. In this situation, he was definitely not the right guy for me. No regrets.

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kristen September 17, 2009 at 8:26 am

there were a few red flags there. good for you for seeing them.

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SingleParentDad September 17, 2009 at 1:58 am

I came expecting pictures, womens lib and all that ;-)

I remember being taken to a strip club on my stag do, the guys paid for a dancer, and I was so unimpressed, I just sat there like a plum, she got no reaction, and I mean, no reaction from me. But some of the guys were like excited toddlers, all eyes-on-storks and trying to touch. I was like “you’re with the wrong women guys.” and they reverted to “You must be gay” or “Can’t be a real man”. How ironic that last ‘insult’ is.

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mssinglemama September 17, 2009 at 4:23 am

Wow.

Men in a strip club calling a dude faithful to his woman “not a real man”.

Thanks for sharing.

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Laura September 17, 2009 at 6:32 am

“Any man who wouldn’t walk through hell to have me wasn’t worth having.”

We should all remember these words at all times. I was married for nine months to the guy I dated on and off throughout college. He regularly showed me through his actions and lies that I did not matter to him. He was totally the kind of guy who would be in one of those bars in a heartbeat — and then lie about it.

Fast forward, I just celebrated 18 years of marriage to a man who would think nothing of walking through fire for me and who puts my needs and happiness before his. He’s a fantastic father, lover, friend, and soul mate. Going to a strip club is dead last on his list of worthwhile ways to spend his time.

There are plenty of ponds to fish from; why fish in the scummiest ones?

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meatstack September 17, 2009 at 6:41 am

Married 5 years, and I’ve been to these places like once a year. My wife is very secure about this, and although she chooses not to join, there are plenty of couples at these places. I agree with everyone else, this is a matching value call, and that range extends the gambit. My wife’s take? “I don’t care where you work up your appitite, as long as you eat at home”

Typed on blackberry at dentist waiting room, sorry for formatting, typo, spelling, etc

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lisa the waitress September 17, 2009 at 7:22 am

i will probably get a lot of hate for what i’m about to say, because i am not a single mother and don’t belong here, BUT…
sometimes i think women have unrealistic expectations of men.
if it’s the night of a big game, don’t make plans. let him have his night. i think sometimes we try to put men into a cage we think they should fit in, to meet our expectations. while i agree there are a lot of men who are complete dirtbags (and a lot of women are harpies), i think we are asking for trouble when we absolutely forbid our man from going to hooters or a strip club. first of all, we’re not treating him like a grownup. imagine how emasculated he will feel if all of his friends are going to a bachelor party at a strip club and you won’t LET him go. you might have pushed him into a corner where he will lie about going.

I’ve been to hooters once, when stranded in a small town looking for a drink after an event we went to. Our waitress was very attractive, but also incredibly sweet. she was only 19 and was saving money to go to college. If i had been a brat and assumed she was a minx trying to get my man to cheat, we would have had a miserable time, he would’ve been mad at me, and we wouldn’t have had a look into the life of a girl in a small town determined to go to college and move somewhere else.
i also think women grossly underestimate how frequently men think about sex. it’s natural, there’s nothing you can do about it.

And lastly, i’ll give the advice i always give to the 22 year old girlfriends of line cooks, bus boys, and other boys i’ve worked with: do. not. call. If he’s out with his boys and getting drunk, make other plans. calling every 15 minutes is only a peek into how much you will nag and track his every movement years down the line. Imagine if you would have just said “well, i see your having fun, so i’m accepting some alternative plans.” it doesn’t matter how you feel at that very moment. go do your other plans and make him search you out the next time. show him that you can have fun without him. i think this is especially important during the first few months of dating.

Of course, this is all subjective.

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mssinglemama September 17, 2009 at 7:40 am

I don’t think we disagree on anything (and by the way, non-single moms are always welcome) but this is about dating men who care about your happiness (to a certain extent) more than a watching a waitress in a bikini or more than (fill in the blank).

I have often, and still do, write about women’s false expectations of men.

In this case, Yvonne had a history with this kind of stuff and if the guy really cared he would have gotten to the bottom of it and worked out a compromise.

Awesome advice btw in that last paragraph there…

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Arugula rose October 1, 2009 at 11:02 pm

Nobody’s talking about forbidding anyone from doing anything. I think the conversation is about taking your own values seriously. If you believe that it is sexually humiliating to women then you probably don’t want to date a guy who has no problem with it. It’s about respecting your own values, not about imposing them on someone else.

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Katherine (SOLO dot MOM) September 17, 2009 at 8:04 am

Great deliberation. I like Single Parent Dad’s response. Good for him for realizing what turned him on was not some floozy in some bikini or less… but a real woman, in real life; as well as realizing the low value that type of entertainment provided for “real men”.

Thanks for sharing this.

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Samantha September 17, 2009 at 8:25 am

I think whether your guy goes to these types of places and whether or not its a problem is something between you and him. Its a personal choice. I knew a couple who would go to these places together, and no they were not swingers. The point that Ms. Single Mama was trying to make, I think, and the point that I would like to make is that you should be able to have feelings about it and talk about it with your guy. If its something that bothers you, you should be able to say so without repercussion. However, ladies, men don’t change unless they want to, so don’t engage in a campaign to change him.

I would like to say you shouldn’t throw a fit, or show too much emotions too early on. I think its a pretty clear indicator if either of you get too emotional about any of this early on that you aren’t stable and ready for a relationship. So if on the 2nd date he’s taking you to or ditching you for a strip club, he’s telling on himself…back away. On the other hand if you are throughing a fit because he wants to go to hooters, and its only the 2nd date, you are telling on yourself.

If the first few dates aren’t showing the best sides of each of you, then this it should be clear that you will be headed for increasingly more of whatever negative you have been seeing or showing…

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Glenda September 17, 2009 at 10:29 am

“Any man who wouldn’t walk through hell to have me wasn’t worth having.” Wow! You couldn’t have said it any other way! True, true!

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Mama_Bautista September 17, 2009 at 10:29 am

In my opinion, hooters has some pretty darn good buffalo wings! Tht said after savoring them at a five year old’s birthday party,

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Juggle Jane September 17, 2009 at 11:56 am

“[A]ny man who wouldn’t walk through hell to have me wasn’t worth having.”

Amen, sistah!

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Amber September 17, 2009 at 12:48 pm

Miss Single Mama, I’ve been reading your blog for months now, and I always love reading about what you have to say and hearing about you and Benjamin’s adventures and life. I’m not a single mom, although I was raised by one, I’m not even a mom, or a wife or an ex wife, I just like your story and the community you have created. Anyhow, I just wanted to say I completely agree with you. It’s not respectful, and the man you are with should always be respectful and want you to be comfortable! Have you seen the new ads for the Max Tucker movie? Talk about disrespect and some men just getting it wrong!

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Kat September 17, 2009 at 1:45 pm

Quoting Simon from above, “Getting lap dances is a little different than waitresses in bikini’s or hooters girls. Actually, VERY different.”

This is very, very true.
Wow, I think I might catch some flack from my fellow single moms and most women too..LoL

I have absolutely no issue with bikini bars, Hooters girls, or even strip clubs.
I just don’t care if he goes to Hooters, they make great wings, I even go there for the awesome food.
I’ve been to bikini bars, the waitresses are bringing just as many women drinks in a night as they are the men, sometimes women in those bars outnumber the men.
And I actually know a few strippers and have talked about this very subject, and guess what?
They have absolutely no interest in your man, only his money.
They can make more money in one 5 hour work night, than a lot of women make in a 40 hour work week.

I just don’t judge other women for the work they do, and if I love the man in my life, if I trust that he will not betray the love he has for me and our relationship, then a night out with the boys isn’t a big deal to me.
If he betrays that trust and love, then he’s outta here, but going to one of those types of places isn’t a betrayal in my opinion, it’s a night out with the guys, and heck, I’ve even gone out with the guys to bikini bars and strip clubs.
It isn’t that big of a deal, and guys don’t go to strip clubs to cheat on their girlfriends.
They meet the girl they will cheat on you with either at his job or the morning coffee shop.

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lisa the waitress September 19, 2009 at 10:21 am

amen!

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Meg September 17, 2009 at 3:58 pm

This topic is always so touchy! My husband and I have had this discussion lots- he’s never been to a strip club or hooters as long as I’ve known him. Except for the one time we went together! Its expensive beer, smelly chairs, and huge tvs. That’s all. He claims he doesn’t go there because he can be at home w me for free! And at 10-15$ a head to get in…I’m glad he’s smart enuf to save the money! Going to those places doesn’t make a man a dirtbag- its all about how he handles himself in there. And if dude is going to leave you for a stripper or bartender, screw him! My husband very smartly agrees.

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famejane September 17, 2009 at 4:10 pm

Anyone who would immediately dump a guy because he goes to a “bikini” bar, or even a strip club needs to examine why they are so insecure. This is an issue of trust, not whether a guy looks at naked or half-clad women. If a guy goes to a bikini bar or a strip club or even looks at porn, that doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy or a sleaze or that he’s disloyal to you, going to cheat on you, not attracted to you. That’s not how guys are wired. Any of those bad things could happen just as easily with the guy that doesn’t go to the bar. The issue is whether a guy is honest. Trust me, there are a lot of guys out there that will tell their partner they would never do that kind of thing, and do it anyway. Then there are the guys that might do it occasionally and they’re honest about it. Now, that being said, if it’s a chronic issue, addiction, etc., that’s a whole different ball game. But there are certainly healthy limits that are harmless and even sometimes good for the sex life. It’s simply a matter of preference. You just can’t throw a guy out that fast. To Joanna who says that any guy that would walk into one of those places isn’t worthy of being called a man, give me a break.

I support Yvonne for what she did because this is what she needed to do for her own limits. But, for those who agree across the board that this is the way it should go down, I feel sorry for you. Even if a guy doesn’t even want to go to one of those places, giving him an ultimatum about it isn’t going to help

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Anonymous September 17, 2009 at 5:06 pm

Such a touchy subject. Most women seem to despise men who view sexuality in such a primal way. A fact of life, men and women are different and the sexual needs of a lot of men is way more than what most women want to deal with. Men just like women have been shoved into stereotypes, that maybe don’t always fit them. Unfortunately in our society it is way better to fit in and than stick out like a sore thumb. So just like the women who feel pressured to conform to the nurturing, care giving, cooking, cleaning, submissive roles, men too feel they need to fit in with the macho, sex machine male stereotypes. So even though there might be a few guys out there that don’t get turned on by a naked chic dancing in front of them, most guys do. Does that make them bad or just human? Maybe what we should all be asking ourselves is how we can change our societal attitudes. We could stop vilifying our natural urges and start really talking about them honestly.

I am a women and a mother by the way and in no way condone cheating or the strip club scene. I just feel that this issue is far more complex than the picture that is painted in this post and the comments, especially in long term relationships. I do agree though, if you just start dating a guy and he pick the strip club or porno over you, you should dump him. But if you have been with a guy for quite a few years, it can get messy and it isn’t always one sided, even if someone is unfaithful.

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Steve September 17, 2009 at 8:02 pm

What I think is strange about this is that the original forums posts made me think “Yeesh….that poor guy got put through the wood chipper before he even knew what happened.”

But then Yvonne elaborated more in the comments to this entry and it put an entirely new perspective on the situation. If you guys had plans and you got a babysitter and he got too hammered to make good on your plans and strung you along throughout the night in the process, well, your gut is probably making the right call. That’s totally rude and disrespectful, and certainly isn’t a good sign just two weeks into a relationship.

I just found it odd that the bikini bar aspect was originally stressed rather than the fact he acted like a jerk and ruined your planned night out. I would think the latter would carry infinitely more weight than the former.

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Kathleen September 18, 2009 at 1:38 am

“Anyone who would immediately dump a guy because he goes to a “bikini” bar, or even a strip club needs to examine why they are so insecure. This is an issue of trust, not whether a guy looks at naked or half-clad women…”

This made me laugh. I am a 40 year old woman and I have never been insecure about my relationship. He’s a Marine, for gods sake, gone for nearly a year at a time. If there was insecurity and lack of trust, we would not be celebrating our 20th year of a great marriage.

So, no it’s not always about insecurity or trust. Sometimes it’s about respect and personal ethics. I’m sure other people have other reasons. I have never dated nor would I ever date a man who frequents these kinds of places. That’s just too big of a leap outside of my beliefs. We all use filters in picking partners, that’s all this is.

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Kathleen September 18, 2009 at 1:40 am

I just realized that the limits of on-line communication may make it appear that my “this makes me laugh” was meant rudely. It was not. It’s just that if you knew me, we’d both be laughing about the idea that I have problems with insecurity. I am a very confident woman, especially when it comes to my marriage and child.

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mssinglemama September 18, 2009 at 7:13 am

But when you started dating him, if you would have taken issue with something or expressed a concern about a habit of his… just something, anything that may have been on your mind – did he listen? Did he care?

That’s what this post is about. We’re not talking about trust as much as we are talking about how a man is in a relationship and what women should expect for themselves.

Thanks for sharing! Agree with your points. And congrats on the long and happy marriage.

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Kristin September 18, 2009 at 12:37 pm

I remember you being fairly harsh on Mike the Stripper Lover when I was dating him – at the time I wasn’t sure strip joints were questionable (a bikini bar would have been like Chuck E Cheese!) But now I see, yeah. Why the hell would Mike the Stripper Lover be all into strippers when he could have been all naked with me? I am a slow learner. Now I know.

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Gifts for Mom September 18, 2009 at 1:56 pm

My thought to reading this post is a resounding “Yes!”Especially the part where you mentioned you wouldn’t settle. Its refreshing to hear that a woman respects her feelings, self, and standards enough to set a bar and expect that a guy she is going to invest her time in will be above it at all times. You deserve someone who isn’t willing to feast his eyes on just any girl offering up the goods, but to show you and your relationship respect. Go you!

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Kat September 19, 2009 at 8:56 am

I’m really curious about something now.
For those of you who say it’s about respecting your wishes, that you wouldn’t settle for a man that went to places like Hooters, a bikini bar, or a strip club with his friends on guy’s night out, if you asked him to stop or not go to those places, did you know before you started officially dating him, that on guy’s night out, these were the types of places that he went to?

For example of what I’m trying to get at, let’s say that you have a large circle of friends, there have been some big friend parties, a bbq maybe, a 4th of July party, or a New Years party with this big circle of friends, and this guy is 1 of the guys in the circle of friends, you do know him, maybe not super well because you only see him at these big parties and get-togethers, but you do know that most of the guys in the circle of friends have a guy’s night out like once a month, and that on that night, they either go to Hooters to eat wings and watch the game, or to a bikini bar for drinks and just general guy hanging out time, or they go to a strip club when it’s 1 of their birthdays or something, and then either he asks you out, or some of your friends in this circle thought the 2 of you would be good together, would you agree to a date with him if you knew that he went to these places on guy’s night out?

Would it make any difference to you if say for example, 1 or 2 of your really good girlfriends was dating some of these guys that he’s friends with, and the guys that your girlfriends are dating go to these places together and your friends don’t think it’s a big deal because their guy always comes home to them at night, they have a great relationship?

I’m just super curious if it’s all or nothing with those of you who said things like “Any man who wouldn’t walk through hell to have me wasn’t worth having” ?

What if this guy was absolutely amazing?
What if every other detail about him was everything that you have ever wanted and desired in a man, what if he treated you and your kid(s) like gold? Like they were his own kids? What if the guy was the kind of guy who would take his coat off and lay it on a puddle and help you walk across it so that your shoes didn’t get wet and ruined?
Really, what if this guy is absolutely perfect for you and your kid(s), like absolutely so stinking perfect and your heart practically stops when he says your name, if his kiss sends you to the moon, if he loves every inch of you flaws and all, if this is the truest and most pure love you have ever known and he says to you that you are the one, wants to spend the rest of his life with you, what if he wants to take you home to meet the folks, what if he would take a bullet for you and your kid(s), what if he would lay down his life for you?
What if he’s all of those things and going to these types of places on guy’s night out is the ONLY “thing” he does that you don’t like?
Would you really tell him to stop doing it and if he doesn’t, it’s over?

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Yvonne September 19, 2009 at 10:02 am

That’s simple for me…I’d have to go with him!!! And if he were ALL those things, he wouldn’t have a problem with it.

Let me just say this….and I know I’m going to come across as stuck-up but hell, I don’t care. I’m 5’9…120lbs…34d-24-34…even after having 2 kids, I look just as good as I did before kids (granted my boobs are fake, so what!! lol) Anyway, I’m not insecure or jealous, it’s a matter of respect. However, if it is that important to him and he is that great…I will have no problem tagging along on his boy’s night out. I can be just as fun as one of the guys…hell I’ll even get dances and buy the first round. And you know what, if he is the man of my dreams…he will be satisfied with that solution.

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Ray September 21, 2009 at 10:53 am

This is exactly what I needed to hear..thank you SO much for putting this out there. In my mind I *know* I should walk away, but it’s one thing to know it, and another thing to actually do it. Thank you thank you!

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Jimmy Rice September 27, 2009 at 3:24 pm

Go girl. Love this blog. It’s strangely heart-warming. Though I am not sure I’m the kind of fan you are looking for as two weeks ago I got a waitresses number on a first date. Eek. In my defence, the woman I was with had just told me she suffered from depression. It’s not the depression I’m against – it’s her judgement for telling me on a first date. I blogged about it anyway, check it out if you get a min:
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/2009/09/date-with-depression.html

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Melissa October 1, 2009 at 7:44 am

This little pep talk was EXACTLY what I needed to read and I am so glad I read it yesterday — the day before the guy I’ve been talking to cancelled on me for a THIRD time. “Want to reschedule?” “No. Enjoy your day.” And I don’t care if it was unfair because maybe he did have a valid conflict today. But, once, maybe even twice, but three times? Sorry, my friend. I have listened to enough excuses to last me a lifetime.

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Vijay Eswaran October 13, 2009 at 12:28 am

That’s a really cool post. The title caught my attention for sure.:)

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Anonymous March 25, 2010 at 5:45 pm

Who are you to say what a real woman is??! You think you are a real women because you judge those women?? Before you judge, know their story.

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geoff August 19, 2012 at 7:43 pm

as I sit here watching “the pledge” the single waitress in this movie and I ask myself Why can’t I find a nice single mom like this. finding a single woman for me is by far the hardest thing I have done so far in my life..

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