Trippin’, Part 2

by mssinglemama on August 13, 2009

When I meet a single and childless girl I feel an urge to sit her down and have a talk – like a grandmother would.

No, honey, not that one. I don’t care how cute he is or how much money he makes. No, that doesn’t matter. He may be whispering in your ear and promising to change. But he shouldn’t have to change, he should have already changed. Believe me, the last thing you want to worry about when you have kids is changing a man or persuading him to clean up his act or get that job.

The measure of a man, the kind of man you’ll want when you’re married and a mother, isn’t in the car he drives, the clothes he wears or even in the sweet nothings he whispers in your ear. The measure of the man you want is in the way he reacts when you’re both lost on a dark pine shrouded road in the middle of the night. In the way he gives you a back rub. Does he ask how it feels? Is he truly trying to take your pain away or giving up too quickly? At first he may not completely wipe away the knots but if he’s willing to listen and learn, eventually, he will. Actions speak louder than words and how he uses those words, how he listens – that is an action, called communicating.

But he has to be at least six feet tall. At least, she would insist, and blue eyes – those too.

At this point I would bite my tongue, walk away and hope against all hopes that she checks that list against logic and her heart of hearts – the mother in every girl wants a good man, one who would kill for you or, more realistically, love seeing your smile more than anything else on this Earth.

And he might look something like this guy…

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Oh, you have no idea how badly I want to tell you about the last seven days of my life.

More on our grand adventure soon… I am not teasing you on purpose, I swear. I am just extremely busy trying to play catch up. Loading these pictures takes forever. Find another round of clues about where our adventure took us in the photo gallery.

P.S. I mailed the first round of silver necklaces out today. Only 20 of those left… they are gorgeous.

Related posts:

  1. Trippin’, Part 1
  2. The Single Mom’s 10 Commandments…
  3. Whispers

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The Trip Story: Part 2
August 19, 2009 at 7:43 pm

{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Nydia August 13, 2009 at 11:34 pm

I know how you feel about running into these types of women. And you’re so right about what truly makes a man …

Gosh your guy is scrumptious!!! lol … and your vacay sounds like it was a blast. Can’t wait to see how it went …

OH and I’m gearing myself up to finally buy that wonderful book of yours … after all, if you’re not supporting another single mom — what ARE you doing, right? lol

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Ashley August 14, 2009 at 6:52 am

“But he shouldn’t have to change, he should have already changed.”

I’m SO on the same page as you on this. And I never even realized that I, myself, had changed the way I felt about it until I realized I was looking at a guy that I had been so smitten with for years and realized he really wasn’t what I wanted, he just had the potential to be what I wanted.

My old self would have clung to his potential, but this new woman inside of me knows that only having the potential to be happy is nothing compared to actually, truly being happy.

If that makes sense.

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Jenna Jean August 14, 2009 at 7:06 am

I will always love my current boyfriend for one situation. I ran out of gas on the freeway, like an idiot. And he did not scream, he did not yell, he did not call me a stupid moron. He just looked at me, laughed his ass off, and then we walked to get some gas. There was a fine line in that situation where things could have gone so badly and our day would have been horrible, but he took it for what it was and helped. That is a real man to me.

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Kelly August 14, 2009 at 7:19 am

http://charactercounts.org/michael/2009/08/the_woodsman_and_the_leprechau_1.html
I love this fable. I vaguely remember it from childhood, but it means so much more now. It seemed kind of fitting here. After my divorce I dated another guy and got engaged. I broke that off when I realized that I was getting myself back in for exactly what I had before. He said all the right things about how he would be when we lived together- but if he couldn’t do them on his own why would he when I was there to take up the slack? I now watch how a date acts towards the waiters or any service person. I would like to find the guy who can laugh at the situation no matter what happens and actually help get through it- not solve it for me but help with it.

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Sheliece August 14, 2009 at 7:30 am

I am such a huge fan!!! I try to read your blog whenever you have a new post. I must say, I love what you have to say about finding a real man. It hit close to home. Being a single mom of 2 and having gone through my share of failed relationships, it has only been recently that I have realized what is truly important to me when dating a guy. Thanks for the insight… Seeing it in words puts it all into perspective…..

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Star August 14, 2009 at 7:39 am

Amen. I tell them, it’s not about having kids…it’s about WHO you have the kids with. You can wait all the way until you’re 40 to have kids. It’s the context of the person you raise them with, the team you’re on that matters. Change is bunk. Have you changed a lot over the years or are you pretty much the same person you were when you were 12? Essentially, you are the same person and in 3, 5, 10 years, they will be too.

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Katherine (SOLO dot MOM) August 14, 2009 at 8:16 am

What a great post. Thanks for reminding us all of this. Taking a second look at where we are… no matter what stage in a relationship.

Before leaping… we should know “what we want” and if this is it… not if it CAN be someday….possibly.

I am constantly reminded why you are so successful at what you do by offering advice, encouragement and sharing the reality of relationships…

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Melissa August 14, 2009 at 9:58 am

Let me begin by saying that I really enjoy your website. I think you have an adorable son & you seem to be doing a great job raising him. I also think you are an inspiration to all single mothers – bloggers, too.
However, as a single 29 year old woman with no children, I am insulted by what you wrote. I have never read something this condescending in a very long time. Not all women who are single with no children choose their potential boyfriends/husbands on aesthetics alone. Are you speaking of someone specifically when you say you want to “sit her down and have a talk?” I kind of hope you are (although it makes me sad to think that there are still single women who date men because they have a nice car or some bucks) because this is a very unfair generalization for you to be making about childless single women.
I do not know you in real life – you seem like a pretty cool person from your blog, but this post gives me the impression that you look down on single women who do not have children. I hope I’m wrong.

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Ellie October 30, 2009 at 9:38 pm

I can relate to this article completely because I am a single mom, and I guess it might have a different tone to anyone who isn’t one. This is in response to Melissa’s comment, I see how you might have taken this post the wrong way, but in no way is this article about looking down on single women who do not have children. If anything, i think it’s common for a single mom to just want to protect other women who have not been pregnant yet to choose wisely! This is not a generalization that all “childless women” are superficial by any means. All we (single moms) are trying to say, is that we may have fallen for men that we thought were perfect for us at the time, but never thought about how they would do in hard situations. The fact that you already do not choose boyfriends based on aesthetics is just one more step ahead for you to choosing a great man. I think we all know a girl who has/is/was dating a guy that is a total loser, but she ended up with him because she was attracted to his looks, status, etc. but didn’t really think about what’s on the inside. That’s who we want to have a talk to, a lot of times it was us in the past. I know that there were so many guys that I passed over and wouldn’t even give the time of day because I didn’t find them attractive by my standards at the time. After my experiences, now I wish I would’ve given some of those “nice guys” a chance.

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Bobbi Janay August 14, 2009 at 10:41 am

I told understand where you coming from.

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Jen C. August 14, 2009 at 10:45 am

Melissa, I don’t mean to speak for Alaina, or anyone else for that matter, but I think maybe you’ve taken her post the wrong way. I sort of read it like she was talking to her former self, to beliefs she once held, or to a way she remembers thinking when she was single and childless. I’m certainly she didn’t mean it to be condescending and of COURSE she doesn’t look down on single women who do not have children! I thought what she had to say made sense – we can all remember a time when we looked for things in men that we would never care about today.

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mssinglemama August 14, 2009 at 11:28 am

You’re right Melissa- I can see how you can read it that way. I don’t look down on single, childless women at all… I just want to protect them from making the same stupid decisions I made. But, obviously, there are SO many of them who choose wisely from the start or who are just luckier than I was in their choice.

But to that end… it would be pretty cool if I could have the ear of every single and childless woman (just to be safe). Imagine the positive change we could inspire by kind of re-adjusting, or re-setting, what we tell women they should look for in a man. I think, as a collective whole, women are sold the short end of the stick when we’re led to believe (from the very beginning) that we should be looking for Prince Charmings… perfect men. They just don’t exist.

That’s kind of the premise behind my entire blog and also my eBook – Ms. Single Mama Uncensored.

And Jen C is absolutely right as well… I was thinking of my former self when I wrote this. I hate that I may have offended any of my single and childless readers. Please don’t take this too literally.

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kristen August 14, 2009 at 12:41 pm

In response to Star above. I think people do change. I know I am not the same person I was when I was younger. What is key though is that people change for themselves, not others. So waiting around for a guy to change is pointless. And actions speak volumes.

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Kelly August 14, 2009 at 1:04 pm

To the “whether people can change or not” point: As we grow older our behaviors and habits change, we mature into looking for more internal aspects of people and life than the superficial. However the basic personality of a person rarely changes. If the person is selfish and totally self-centered that probably will never change. Those people that everything happens TO them and it’s never their fault will always be the victim in their own mind. On the flip side, those that are considerate of others, pleasant to be around will always be so. People grow out of the party stage (usually) and most of us come to grips that the world does not revolve around us at some point. Very, very few people are able to change their basic ingrained personality and those usually take a traumatic event. Sorry about the soapbox- just my two cents. I do believe that the right person is out there for everyone- you have to be willing to search without losing yourself in the process. Enjoy yourself and the life you make for yourself and the right person will fit in.

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Star August 15, 2009 at 5:49 am

In response to Kristen & Kelly…I do mean the bigger personality traits…I have always been a person that believes in truth and honesty, I have always been my authentic self no matter how uncool it may be, I have always stuck up for the wronged even if it goes against the grain, I make the decision that is morally “right” even if it means I will never “get rich quick,” I have always been generous to a fault, trusting beyond when I should be, those are the things I am talking about. Through the years, those traits have made me Very Uncool but I can’t help but be who I am. I went through my party days, trying out different lifestyles, made stupid decisions, but through it all, I have always been this person and I always will. I kept “looking for the potential” in my life partners and believing in the possibility of them achieving their “best self.” Now, I see that a person’s inner self is always there, it’s just hard to see what that is when you haven’t known a person their entire life. It’s really hard to see through the person that they want people to think they are…

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Emily August 15, 2009 at 5:51 am

Some men just can’t be good at playing Dad. I don’t know, maybe my experience has made me too negative, but I think there are very few men out there who are cut out for monogamy and fatherhood. I have come to accept that it is just me and my son for now. I would love to provide him with siblings in the future but I will have to see if a trustworthy man comes along. In the meantime, my son doesn’t NEED a father figure, because he is lavished with love. Any relationships I have are conducted entirely separately from him because I don’t want him to introduce him to a man and then it all fall apart. I suppose it is more delicate because his father has never and will never be in his life.

I used to want a Daddy for Tom more than anything else: Now I think we just live our life the way we do and if someone decent enters the picture, then that would be a huge bonus. I’m not holding my breath though…

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famejane August 17, 2009 at 9:19 am

I get tired of the anti-man sentiment on this blog. Whether a guy is rich, 6 feet tall, has blue eyes, whispers sweet nothings in your ear or not, is no indication one way or another how decent of a person he is. I’ve had my heart broken by all sorts of men. How can you or anyone claim to have the keys to what kind of man is good for someone, or for making those kinds of judgments. I found this post rather obnoxious. Give some credit to the single girls. Maybe the fact that they are still single and childless is because they’ve been smart enough not to make mistakes. Maybe they should be the ones dishing out advice.

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Ellie October 30, 2009 at 9:47 pm

Famejane you obviously have not gone through anything that all of the other single moms have gone through who are reading this blog. Your arrogance in saying that maybe “they’ve been smart enough not to make mistakes” shows that you have no idea what it would be like to go through single motherhood. I don’t think people like you should be given any credit or be dishing out any advice because you obviously are speaking to an audience of single mom’s that you have no experience with. Thank you for coming to a website that we find support and encouragement and telling us that you think you should be giving us advice. I think you are in the wrong place.

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FameSue August 17, 2009 at 1:08 pm

Fame Jane: I recommend you find another blog to read, pronto. You just insulted me beyond words.

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JenFree August 28, 2009 at 11:36 pm

I love it. Famejane has no clue what she’s talking about. Or more importantly, what you’re talking about. I think you said it perfectly.

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Betty Smorgas January 18, 2010 at 11:58 am

Hey I know that guy! He has a small pee pee. Dumped him.

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