Pillow Talk

by mssinglemama on June 24, 2009

“We’d have some good lookin’ kids,” he says, “cute little dark haired Irish kids with blue eyes.”

Yes, we would. I’m sure of it and I can see their little faces smiling at meΒ  already. They’re definitely cute as hell.

I also have this vision of John Bear, by then fully trained in the ways of kitchen duty, juggling a baby and a spatula, flipping eggs and yelling at the dog – all at the same time.

A studly dad in the kitchen. These are the daydreams of a single mother.

“And if we do ever have kids you’ll probably have twins,” he lays this out like it’s a perk or something.

“You’re kidding, right?”

He shakes his head, “No, there’s a strong twin gene in my family. I’m next in line.” As he’s listing his relatives who have twins I add another child to my kitchen vision.

Now he’s holding two in one arm with their sweet dark tufts of hair and their bright blue eyes, or maybe one of them will have my dark eyes. And then there’s Benjamin. Maybe he’s setting the table.

And where am I? Probably trying to breath somewhere or frantically shopping for nannies.

Having one was hard enough. But as John Bear says, “You wouldn’t be alone this time and you’d have help, a lot of help.”

He’s childless he has no idea what it’s like – newborns are hard, hard, hard work. But he wants to have his own children, he’s as ready as he’ll ever be. And I do too.

We both want two more so why not knock them both out with one pregnancy?

Could be a nice two for one deal.

Twin talk and pillow talk aside, do you want more kids? I started this discussion in the single moms forum the other day and the responses are really passionate. Leave a comment there or here.

And let me know what you think about the idea of me – having twins. I mean what do you do if the love of your life happens to have a twin gene, a fricking twin gene? Just my luck, right? Oh me, oh my.

Any bearers of twins here who have lived to tell about it?

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Momma_Sunshine June 24, 2009 at 2:08 pm

I think you're safe – twins are the responsibility of the mom. You need two eggs to make two babies, it's got nothing to do with the dad. And identical twins are just a freak of nature that can happen to anyone…

When I was pregnant with my first daughter, we had a bit of a scare – I was measuring large and the doctor couldn't tell if she heard one heartbeat or two – we waited about two weeks before finding out that it was, indeed, just one. And let me just say, after she was born, if there had been two of her, I don't think I would have survived.

As for having more, I feel pretty much finished. I have two, they're 4 and 6, that's good enough for me. Although, having said that, if the man I end up with was really committed to the idea of having children, I certainly would at least consider it – for him.


Jen June 24, 2009 at 2:08 pm

I have twin nephews and they are as amazing as they are impossible. You'd be fine!


Kati June 24, 2009 at 2:21 pm

As a twin myself I would LOVE to have twins. There is no one in the world that I am closer too. My mother said it was so much easier than having one after the newborn phase of course. We entertained each other from the beginning.

I am ready for another child asap. Just got married and we are not using any form of birth control so we'll see what happens.

Sounds like John Bear is a great guy. So happy for you!


anothersinglemom June 24, 2009 at 2:26 pm

So…I guess you're not sick anymore! πŸ˜‰


TorontoMama June 24, 2009 at 2:29 pm

Sunshine is right. Twin genes are in the mom's family.
However, the longer you wait to have another kid, the higher the chances of having twins. Apparently, as the biological clock start ticking faster, the body could release two eggs at once to increase fertility…
I could totally see the Bear holding two kids in the kitchen. I am so excited for you!!


Barry June 24, 2009 at 2:40 pm

Having twins would sure take care of having two and done. But, there is something to be said about not having two in diapers at the same time. Also nice to hand down some clothes instead of buying all at the same time. Even different sex is ok when their young. Lot's of greens, yellows etc help this along. As far as me having more kids, ummmm, mine are now 17,19,21. I always kidded that I can just see me at the soccer games, "Hey, it is so nice to have your grandfather show up to all you games! " " Oh, that's my dad." πŸ™‚


abrookshire June 24, 2009 at 2:53 pm

I go back and forth. I would LOVE to have more kids someday, but at the same time, Ty is so much fun and we have just a blast together. It's been just me and him for so long that I can't picture there being more than just me and him, but at the same time, about the sexiest thing in the world is a man who wants you to have his baby (and is willing to help in the raising process), so I'm not sure I could say no if my someday-husband were to suggest the idea.


Stacy June 24, 2009 at 2:54 pm

Sunshine is right on. John Bear's genes have nothing to do with it so don't worry too much. There is a lot a misinformation out there about twin pregnancies.

However, as a very proud single mother of 3-year old identical twin girls, I can say that twins rock! If I can raise twins alone, you guys could easily do it together (granted, I was married until the girls turned two…don't think I could've handled two newborns by myself…just don't have enough hands).

As far as having more kids goes…I love being the mother of twins but they certainly have taken away any desire to have more! My biological clock stopped completely once the terrible two's started. My hands are full enough as it is!


jenn June 24, 2009 at 2:57 pm

I would love to have at least one more child, but since I'm not even dating… I don't know if it will ever happen. It makes me sad to think of never having another baby though. It's so much work, but I love being a mom.


Carolyn June 24, 2009 at 3:05 pm

I've thought about this a bit. My boyfriend has one child already, and I have two. We are both single parents with half-time custody. Although we have different parenting schedules, we still manage to get together without the kids some nights, and with the kids on other days. We are going on a trip this summer without the kids for almost a week, and I'm really excited about it. That wouldn't really work if we ever had a child together, because we wouldn't have other parents to take the kids for a week…
There are big negatives to being a divorced parent who shares custody… but there are perks that I enjoy now that would be gone if I had another kid. No more kidless nights without having to pay a babysitter… Plus, it just seems complicated to have all these half and step-siblings with different schedules and different home-cultures from their other houses.
I mean, my ex-husband is a rabid Libertarian who is living with an atheist, my boyfriend's ex-wife is a Christian, and my boyfriend is Jewish. I'm leaning towards keeping it simple and sticking with what I've got already.
(But I also know that if I ever married him, I'd get baby lust from time-to-time… So never say never…)


Danielle June 24, 2009 at 3:05 pm

As Momma_Sunshine said, I think twins run on the female side and it is every other generation. I have twins in my family as well and I would be that generation. That thought alone keeps me being ok that I probably wont have any more. It just seems like so much work.
Plus, my husband adamantly wanted a baby before we got married and then a few months after we tied the not, said he absolutely did not want another baby. I am a little hurt by the change of heart. I really wanted my daughter to have a sibling, but I will count my blessings that I have my beautiful baby and move on.


won June 24, 2009 at 3:51 pm

This will be my second biggest regret in life.

At 41, my body began to turn on me and shut it down. Being on this side of the big ole change, having a daughter on the other side of life, and not able to bear another one………

just sucks.

When I die, there is no doubt that my biggest regret will of course be Olivia dying. My second will be not being able to have that last child my heart yearns for.

You, on the other hand, I am elated for. Can I sign up to be the nanny if the need arises??

Also, I sent you something via USPS.


mssinglemama June 24, 2009 at 4:09 pm

Can I just say how happy I am that we have connected and that you comment here? I am because it's a reminder to us all to cherish every moment.

Aching for you right now and yes, anytime you want to nanny you got it! We actually don't live that far from each other… do we? May have to pay you a visit soon.

Big hugs.


Sheila June 24, 2009 at 4:08 pm

How adorable are you and John Bear?

I would love to have another, but only if I were in a fully committed relationship or married. That's the honest truth of it.

My son is the light of my eyes, but I am broke as a joke and not having a supportive man to help me out emotionally and financially is just … the worst.


mssinglemama June 24, 2009 at 4:15 pm

I hear that, believe me. There's no way I would have another one without a man around to help. No way. Well, never say never… but it's just so hard with just the one.

Hang in there lady, your John Bear is out there – believe me. Although I must say, those California dudes are weird as hell. Maybe you should move to the Midwest? Columbus, Ohio is actually quite an awesome and very affordable city. [hint, hint]


Sheila June 24, 2009 at 5:02 pm

I think you're on to something, babe. πŸ™‚


Mama Jennifer June 24, 2009 at 4:15 pm

My son is 7 and my daughter is 5. I would love to have one more baby. I look forward to finding what you have found with John Bear.


Melissa June 24, 2009 at 4:17 pm

I would be hyperventilating from the thought of twins. But, I am so happy you found John Bear. I, like you, have found my prince charming the second time around. Having that second child? I want it but I don't. I think that after getting babyhood, you start to regain your freedom a bit. I think I'm comfortable where I am right now and not ready to go back to babyhood once again. Plus, having two children in comparison to one really ties you down…a lot. You've got not one, but two to worry about. But, I've guess you've got twice the love!


Jillian June 24, 2009 at 4:28 pm

My family has a twin gene. Not quite as strong as his probably but my aunt had twins, my cousin (same side but not her daughter) had twins, my male cousin's second wife had twins. Thus far, more of my cousins have avoided it than have had them so I'm thinking maybe luck is on my side and I won't end up with them. Having said that, my cousins seem to be getting along just fine with them. I mean you have to. What's the alternative? Curl up in a corner and ignore the world?


Melissa June 24, 2009 at 4:30 pm

All of these posts make me ache. I am dating a man right not that wants a child more than anything. He is older than me by 13 years…I feel like he sees me as an incubation unit sometimes becuase he does not want to have a child with a woman who is his own age. Regardless I do want to have more children, although not at the present. I need a couple of more years to be a Mom to my son…I am not ready to share my time.


Darcy June 24, 2009 at 5:13 pm

Just to clear up some confusion here. Only fraternal twins need to have two eggs that are separately fertilized. These twins can be the same sex, or one of each. __These are the types of twins that are dependent on the mother, since she would be the one to release two eggs within a short time of each other that are both then fertilized. ____Identical twins happen when one fertilized egg splits into two (technically no longer an egg, but a "zygote"), hence the identical genetic makeup. They are always the same sex. There does not seem to be a hereditary component to identical twins, but rather an anomaly that happens within the first week or so of pregnancy.


Darcy June 24, 2009 at 5:21 pm

That being said….

One or two more would probably be great for you. My kids are each other's best friend (and sometimes worst enemy). As you know, having so many siblings yourself, there is nothing like the bond between brothers and/or sisters.

Alas, I am 43 and not willing to take the risk again – not that I have a prospect on the horizon (grin), but it does make the decision easier for me.


Melissa June 24, 2009 at 5:35 pm

About the twin thing, I just watched a special on twins the other night and it was said that all women start out with the equal chance to have twins, then things like twins in the womens family, age, and other factors raise those chances. So you should be good, but there is always a chance.

As for me having more kids, technically I can't. When I had my second child via c-section I decided to get a tubal. I was very young and I left it so that I could change my mind until the last minute. My dr. actually asked me numerous times during the c-section before the procedure if I really wanted to do this. But I already had two kids by two worthless men and I didn't think it was right to bring another child into the situation.

It's been three years and I have not come to regret the decision, and if one day I meet the love of my life and he wants kids… well if he was really the love of my life he would accept the decisions that I have made for myself, plus I am open to adoption.


christine June 24, 2009 at 5:48 pm

one of my good friends has a set of twins just a few weeks younger than my oldest daughter. they are the sweetest, funniest little boys, but they are a handful! they are 3 now, and she can finally breathe a bit, but honestly she and her husband joke that they can't remember the first year at all. twins would scare the ever loving crap out of me.

and i think i'm done having kids. it's hard, because i've always wanted 3 kids. but i'm 33 now, with a 3 year old and a 6 month old, and its going to be awhile before i'm legally divorced and then in a place to even think about meeting someone new. i guess there is the long shot, but i'm trying to make my heart complete with my two little girls. i'm also afraid of ending up the sole parent of more kids, and i feel like 2 is all i can handle on my own. one for each hand. πŸ™‚


bebe1561 June 24, 2009 at 6:09 pm

My sister had two boys (5 and 3) when she had twin boys. Yup, four boys under the age of 5. She was and still is going crazy sometimes but she loves it. I too have the CRAZY twin gene. Besides my sister (who is my half sister from my mother's side) I have about 6 more sets of twins on my father's side. Anyway, the idea of having a two for one deal sounds like a good plan to me. They have an unexplainable bond that is amazing to see and it is nice to know that you would have help this time around. If you do have twins, please don't dress them alike every day of their lives. lol.


TsQuest June 24, 2009 at 6:32 pm

As I approach 40 this December and I see my 7 and 4 year old finally begin to do things for themselves (my 4 year old can reach the light switches in the house now!!!), I am most definitely done.

I don't mind if whomever I end up with has kids. Great! I like Carolyn's response… it is nice when you can have kids AND have alone time together. Sign me up!


Kori June 24, 2009 at 7:01 pm

I have four; no thanks. The oldest is 16, the youngest 3. Did I say no thanks? I meant hell no! That being said, there are moments when I want to be pregnant again, to nurse another baby, to have another little one to cherish…but then I remember that I am old, that I already have four and as it is I will be, oh, 53 when the youngest graduates from high school and I come to my senses.


Asha June 24, 2009 at 7:35 pm

I think a 2 for 1 deal for you would be awesome! I could so see you handling it well. Not only that, I bet Ben would be a HUGE help to you and John Bear.

I want another one sometimes, but I don't think I'm ready to share the time I spend with my Monkey with another child just yet. Besides, I'm not really in a situation to be thinking about having another one. Although if it happened with this guy, I wouldn't mind it too much =)


Brittni June 24, 2009 at 7:46 pm

What an adorable conversation! I just love that you two can talk about something so important and neither one get freaked out, even though the thought of twins could make a person's head spin. At least mine. I have talked to people about it before and I just don't know if I am cut out for twins. I mean having one nursing every couple hours was hard enough. If two were doing that, OH MY!

I can't wait to have another baby! I am so ready. Justin and I aren't married yet and even though I desperately want to be, I want another baby even more. And I want a baby with Justin and I think the timing is right. We have talked about it a little bit so I'm hoping that we can start heading down that path! In the meantime, it's fun to practice πŸ˜‰

I can't say enough how happy I am for you and John Bear. He seems so sweet and you seem so happy. I love reading about the two of you!


Lesli June 24, 2009 at 7:52 pm

Like Melissa, I had my tubes tied at the end of my c-section with my 2nd child. Unlike her, however, I totally regret it now. At the time I was married and we were happy with our two boys–I would have never guessed that just a year and a half later that we would be divorced. In the months following my tubal ligation, I began to have all kinds of bleeding & pain so my doctor suggested doing a uteran ablation–which pretty much sealed the deal in the inability to have any more. So here I find myself at 39, really wanting a baby but can't.


Lesli June 24, 2009 at 7:52 pm

I don't need a man around to have a baby–if I can raise two boys on my own, I can also raise a baby…but unless there is a huge breakthrough in science, that isn't going to happen. I can't afford to adopt–especially on my own although I have a single-mom friend who managed to do it. She has a beautiful daughter she adopted from the Ukraine. As for sometimes-boyfriend that I've dated over two years, he has said he wants more, too….so who knows what will happen for me.

But to put your fears at rest, you & John Bear would be totally fine with one, two, and/or three…but I'm sure deep down you know this. He seems like a keeper. : )


Jenny June 24, 2009 at 9:40 pm

I'm raising my 2 1/2 year old on my own, and going through a divorce. I feel that I'll meet the love of my life within the next few years. I'd love to have one more child – by then maybe I'll forget about the exhaustion that comes with having babies/young children.


Frannyd June 24, 2009 at 10:26 pm

I have a 12 year old and have always regretted not having another child. I think if I have another now they will be too far apart in age to really bond. Thats one thing I REALLY wish I would have done when I had the chance.


TwinCitiesLynn June 24, 2009 at 11:33 pm

One of my daughters friends had twin girls, and 10 months later had another girl! We would watch them once a week starting when the twins were about 18 months and the baby was 10 months. Wow, what fun! Once I did it all by myself because my husband had to work late. While I was feeding the baby, the twins ganged up on me and took everything out of the cupboards in the kitchen. Their parents walked in and couldn't beileve what they saw. They have since moved away (they are 4 and 3 now) and I only get to see them once or twice a year. That being said, once a week with twins is nothing compared to full time! Ah, What the hell, go for it ! πŸ™‚


TwinCitiesLynn June 24, 2009 at 11:35 pm

Opps, meant to say the twins were 18mo and the baby was 8 mo.


amy June 25, 2009 at 2:11 am

When I had my twin girls my son was 4.5. Having gone through it once before and the girls being the easiest babies ever (a breeze compared to colicky big brother) and a great husband, I have lived to tell the tale! Can't imagine life without my three πŸ™‚ Wonderful kids now at 16 and 11.

You two are talking CHILDREN?! Oh my!


March Liz June 25, 2009 at 2:38 am

It seems we're on the same love time table…my guy and I have been talking seriously about marriage and kids too. I would love to have more than my daughter, it is sooo much work but he is wonderful with her and I am sure he would be great with *our* kids too. πŸ™‚ Wow. Powerful stuff…I was up at his parents and looked at his baby photos and was picturing in my mind what our babies might look like.
I am excited for both of us and our wonderful men!
Smiles and best wishes, Liz


Abby Carter June 25, 2009 at 4:07 am

Nope. I am so done. 8 years of taking care of two kids alone has done me in, even if by some miracle I could have more kids. But I'm almost 44 and the thought just exhausts me.

But Rah! Rah! for you! Seems likes its getting pretty serious if you are having that discussion. Go slow though. That's not something you want to rush, and you have lots of time. Get to know and enjoy each other first.


ALICIA June 25, 2009 at 4:26 am

Awwww – your pillow talk is so sweet! Twins or onesies, I know any baby produced by you two is gonna be gorgeous!

Me, I'd LOVE to have another baby – the sooner the better – BUT the reality of my life just simply prevents it anytime soon: no man, no money, and I'm still way too overweight….


Jocelyn June 25, 2009 at 5:40 am

If you love him and are with him and both want kids, then you just do the thing, and whatever it is, you love it and are with it and raise it. Or them.

Infants can really suck. I suppose it could suck twice as much, too. But then it passes, and all you're left with is a cranky toddler. Or two. But then that passes. And you're left with a kid (or two) who asks "Why?"' seventy-seven times a day. And then that passes.

You get it. But if you get to do all that with the man you love, it's fun to watch it pass–together.


Apples June 25, 2009 at 7:12 am

I think you are both crazy……. I still love you though… HAHA! Seriously though twins? I mean don't get me wrong if it happend it would rock and you'd love them with all your heart and wouldn't want it anyother way as would I… However, I wouldn't be wishing for them…. But maybe thats just me.


Canadian Bald Guy June 25, 2009 at 9:22 am

LOL…I want to totally make smart-ass comments about some of the pillow talk that you two are having, but then realize Momma Sunshine & I have had very similar conversations (only not about having more kids…lol).

So very glad you two are so happy. Fun, isn't it?


Bec June 25, 2009 at 3:37 pm

Identical twinning is supposedly completely random… every pregnancy has a 1 in 90 chance of becoming identical twins in the earliest stages of development. I had always been told that identical twins ran in families, every other generation. My dad has an identical twin and my brother and I always laughed about who would get stuck with two. I got pregnant a couple of years ago and my husband laughed that it would be FANTASTIC to have two. All of the babies we wanted in one shot! Only one round of midnight feedings, potty training, etc! I told him that I was a single passenger ride… a bicycle, not an SUV. The doctor heard one heartbeat at 10 weeks and said that my uterus felt like a singleton. I thought we were in the clear, but our first ultrasound at 14 weeks proved otherwise. Surprise, twins after all!

Now I have two 13-month old daughters. I don't know what it is like to only have one baby, but two honestly isn't twice the work. Twins are survivable. Lots of work, but a wonderful and sweet experience. It helps to have the help of a wonderful man– mine is a stay-at-home dad right now and adores his daughters more than anything.


Apples June 25, 2009 at 7:39 pm

Here is what I thought to be true about the topic too btw I could be wrong but… The older you are the higher chance you have of having fraternal twins but fraternal twins can only "run in the family" on the mothers side because it has to do with hyper ovulation…. But Identical twins are random.


amy June 26, 2009 at 3:55 am

As a fellow mom of twin girls I so agree πŸ™‚ Watching my daughters grow up and be each others best friend and ally is so wonderful. Best of friends. Never get any of that "Mom, I am bored!" stuff as their best friend is always there. They were the easiest of babies too, I think as they had each other.


littlemansmom June 25, 2009 at 4:50 pm

All I can say is awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww….


Joelle June 25, 2009 at 8:28 pm

As someone who has been trying to get pregnant for 3 years, and spent lots of money on fertility treatments, I would welcome twins. So yes…i think it would be "just your luck" to welcome 2 beautiful children at the same time. A lot of people don't just get pregnant on the first try, and struggle with infertility for years.

But also, like everyone else is saying, it has to be that twins run in your family, on your mom's side.


Erin June 26, 2009 at 6:16 pm

I have twin boys who are now 18 months old. When they were born, my oldest son was 16 months old. When the twins were three months old, I found out that my ex got another woman pregnant. We were divorced six months later. BELIEVE ME, if I can survive raising these three on my own, you will do just fine! There were moments when I thought I'd pull my hair out (when they got sick), but it really is beautiful and rewarding. Now that they are a little older, it is wonderful! Truly, a great 2 for 1 deal! πŸ˜‰


Savored Life July 6, 2009 at 2:25 am

Okay…I am so behind…(read: my Google Reader has about 300 unread entries. Shame.On.Me.) I just start reading here and…"pillowtalk, babies…" Huge smile across my face! Congratulations on your *happiness*. (I know I am late… :P) You deserve EVERY ounce of it!

::back to my reading…::


Meg July 9, 2009 at 8:30 pm

Twins are genetically determined by the mother. Believe me. MY family is the crazy fertile side (I have 5 brothers and sisters, only 2 of which were planned; my parents believed in “natural family planning”) I have one daughter who is 21 months, and my husband and I have decided to wait at least another year to start trying again. Although, I’d have to say, I wouldn’t be unhappy if she were an only child; she’s totally easy to manage *most days!* But I agree: newborns are hard work. And two of them at once?! I know I’d have at least one mental breakdown. But, you’d love them. And that makes all the hard work in the world worth it!


Charis July 20, 2009 at 8:05 am

My daughter is almost 17 months old. Her father hasn’t been involved and doesn’t provide any support whatsoever. Going through this whole – raising a kid alone-thing…I’d be very hesitant to have another. But I think that if I ever get married, it’d be really nice to experience having a child with someone who loves and supports you. And someone who will HELP YOU with yoru child!!


ashlea July 25, 2009 at 6:35 pm

I DO NOT want more kids and I actually feel like that limits my dating options even more than being a single mom. My kids are 6 and 4. We’re a bargain because most of the heavy lifting and grunt work is already done and behind us! I think there are a lot of men who don’t mind that I have two children….as long as I’ll have one more with them. No way.


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