Shedding

by mssinglemama on June 21, 2009

If there’s anything on Earth I hate, it’s being sick.

I hate feeling helpless.

I hate being unable to move without pain, this throbbing in my head and my chest.

I had felt it coming on for weeks and ignored it against John Bear’s warning, “You’re going to run yourself into the ground. You have to stop.”

“I know but I can’t stop. You don’t understand,” I’d snap. I do snap, you know… I’m definitely not perfect (just in case any of you thought so). He was right. And now here I am.

And when three days of your life have consisted of staring at this

candles

and this

closet

you begin to wonder… and to think. 

I’m thinking about what got me here and wondering what I can cut out of my life so this doesn’t happen again. There isn’t much to cut so that leaves one option – slowing down and saying “no” when I just can’t fit something in.

I’m also thinking about all of those shoes in my closet, of where they’ve been and of where they’ll go. John Bear and I have been talking about the future and I’m trying to imagine myself wearing just one pair of shoes til death do me part.

I’m just imagining what it would be like, that’s all.

It’s a perfectly logical thought process when you have a child and when you want more. But I’ve been married before so it’s also a scary thought (especially when you’re sick and feeling very vulnerable not even to mention slightly delirious).

My only experience with the institution of marriage was absolute misery and then fighting to get out as fast as I could. What followed was nearly 15-months without one night where I slept for more than 5 hours straight and over three years now of working without a break to give Benjamin a sweet little apartment with cupboards full of food and a room full of toys… and happiness, lots of that.

And even though I know the same scenario would and could never play out with John Bear, my past experiences are still haunting me as I lie in this bed and look at those shoes. These things from that life that I still possess, ghosts of what was, reminders of what I’ve conquered to get here. And then there’s the fact that I like here. A lot.

But here could just keep getting better. Here could have a few additions and even more love.

I’m just sick.

I feel absolutely miserable and all I want is to get out of this room and back to my life, my story without an end. Our story without an end. It’s funny how us single moms, when hurt or injured, go into protective mode just like that.

Or is it just me?

My friend Brad told me on the phone last week, “you know Alaina, maybe because you just quit your job, because you’re starting this new chapter – maybe you’re in like a cocoon right now and when you get better you’ll be shedding some old skin and coming out all new and stuff.”

I love Brad and I’m hoping he’s right.

I’m hoping this is my past grabbing at me, biting at my ankles one last time before I permanently shake the sucker into the ground.

In the meantime you may be waiting a bit for a new post while I mend myself…

The single moms forum is on fire (over 115 of you have joined) so it gives me unbelievable peace of mind knowing all of my single mamas have somewhere to find each other.

As for the rest of you, you’ll just have to be patient while I get myself back up and at ‘em. Over the next few days I’ll be doing a few exciting things despite my bronchitis (I know, but these are musts and require nothing more than me sitting up in bed).

  • I’ll be the first guest on the new Single Mom Revolution radio show hosted by Honoree and Morgan. Listen online and please call (347) 637-2242 to join us on the show with your questions. I would love to talk to you and hear some of your voices. That’s at 1:10 pm on Tuesday June 23, 2009. UPDATE – If you missed it, here’s a link to the radio show. Good stuff. I think you’ll be entertained.
  • I’ll be taping for an episode of Momversation. Holy crap am I excited about that. The topic is a bit controversial, I’m really hoping I don’t come off like a bitchy single mom. If I do, I’m blaming it on the plague in my lungs.
  • And, last but not least, my new Fiesta Movement Mission video is up – check it out here!!

Until next time, be well and be thankful you don’t have bronchitis and if your body is yelling at you to just stop – listen.

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