Shedding

by mssinglemama on June 21, 2009

If there’s anything on Earth I hate, it’s being sick.

I hate feeling helpless.

I hate being unable to move without pain, this throbbing in my head and my chest.

I had felt it coming on for weeks and ignored it against John Bear’s warning, “You’re going to run yourself into the ground. You have to stop.”

“I know but I can’t stop. You don’t understand,” I’d snap. I do snap, you know… I’m definitely not perfect (just in case any of you thought so). He was right. And now here I am.

And when three days of your life have consisted of staring at this

candles

and this

closet

you begin to wonder… and to think. 

I’m thinking about what got me here and wondering what I can cut out of my life so this doesn’t happen again. There isn’t much to cut so that leaves one option – slowing down and saying “no” when I just can’t fit something in.

I’m also thinking about all of those shoes in my closet, of where they’ve been and of where they’ll go. John Bear and I have been talking about the future and I’m trying to imagine myself wearing just one pair of shoes til death do me part.

I’m just imagining what it would be like, that’s all.

It’s a perfectly logical thought process when you have a child and when you want more. But I’ve been married before so it’s also a scary thought (especially when you’re sick and feeling very vulnerable not even to mention slightly delirious).

My only experience with the institution of marriage was absolute misery and then fighting to get out as fast as I could. What followed was nearly 15-months without one night where I slept for more than 5 hours straight and over three years now of working without a break to give Benjamin a sweet little apartment with cupboards full of food and a room full of toys… and happiness, lots of that.

And even though I know the same scenario would and could never play out with John Bear, my past experiences are still haunting me as I lie in this bed and look at those shoes. These things from that life that I still possess, ghosts of what was, reminders of what I’ve conquered to get here. And then there’s the fact that I like here. A lot.

But here could just keep getting better. Here could have a few additions and even more love.

I’m just sick.

I feel absolutely miserable and all I want is to get out of this room and back to my life, my story without an end. Our story without an end. It’s funny how us single moms, when hurt or injured, go into protective mode just like that.

Or is it just me?

My friend Brad told me on the phone last week, “you know Alaina, maybe because you just quit your job, because you’re starting this new chapter – maybe you’re in like a cocoon right now and when you get better you’ll be shedding some old skin and coming out all new and stuff.”

I love Brad and I’m hoping he’s right.

I’m hoping this is my past grabbing at me, biting at my ankles one last time before I permanently shake the sucker into the ground.

In the meantime you may be waiting a bit for a new post while I mend myself…

The single moms forum is on fire (over 115 of you have joined) so it gives me unbelievable peace of mind knowing all of my single mamas have somewhere to find each other.

As for the rest of you, you’ll just have to be patient while I get myself back up and at ‘em. Over the next few days I’ll be doing a few exciting things despite my bronchitis (I know, but these are musts and require nothing more than me sitting up in bed).

  • I’ll be the first guest on the new Single Mom Revolution radio show hosted by Honoree and Morgan. Listen online and please call (347) 637-2242 to join us on the show with your questions. I would love to talk to you and hear some of your voices. That’s at 1:10 pm on Tuesday June 23, 2009. UPDATE – If you missed it, here’s a link to the radio show. Good stuff. I think you’ll be entertained.
  • I’ll be taping for an episode of Momversation. Holy crap am I excited about that. The topic is a bit controversial, I’m really hoping I don’t come off like a bitchy single mom. If I do, I’m blaming it on the plague in my lungs.
  • And, last but not least, my new Fiesta Movement Mission video is up – check it out here!!

Until next time, be well and be thankful you don’t have bronchitis and if your body is yelling at you to just stop – listen.

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Momma_Sunshine June 21, 2009 at 10:16 pm

Oftentimes, I believe that sickness is our body's way of telling us to "slow down already!!!". Maybe it's time you listened. ;)

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Honoree June 21, 2009 at 10:22 pm

Hello Lovely! I agree with Brad 100%. You're emerging and growth is uncomfortable. Illness is just your body's way of saying LISTEN.

We're excited you'll be on the show. You'll be on at 1:10pm Eastern (not 1:30 pm … if they connect then, they may miss that magic thing you're going to say and we just don't want that!) until about 1:50pm.

Can't wait!

Until then … check your in-box. I'm sending you something magical.

xoxo

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mssinglemama June 21, 2009 at 10:58 pm

Just changed the time – thank you!

Sent from my iPhone

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Heidi June 21, 2009 at 10:30 pm

Take it easy– heal! And for heaven's sake, slow down a little bit. Can't wait to hear the radio show, and watch Momversation. :)

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MindyMom June 21, 2009 at 10:31 pm

I've found that when I'm not being good to myself my body eventually "demands" it from me, much like yours is now. And the changes? Yes, I am going through many right now and it has me emotionally drained and unsure. No, it is NOT just you who goes into "protective mode". Us single moms do what we gotta do, even when we don't feel well. You have a great network of friends and family -as well as bloggers – to help you throught it. Best of luck in healing and with the upcoming shows!

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ghawk June 22, 2009 at 12:05 am

I knew it! I was waiting for you to show up on momversation! It's such an obvious outlet for you! What took them so long? And yes, please – get better soon!

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Irishmom June 22, 2009 at 1:13 am

I am so glad that you are resting at last. It's always easy for me to tell everyone else to take care of themselves, but for some reason, like you, I am the last one to take my own advice and usually do keep going, like the energiser bunny, except when …. the batteries run out! Mine did last week. I rarely get ill but I got that nasty flu and was on my knees. (Literally…). I had to ask for help, which I hate, but there was nothing to do but lie in bed with a horrible fever and just get better. I feel so much for you, because you remind me of myself – always doing taking care of, onto the next project. Tricia :)

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Irishmom June 22, 2009 at 1:14 am

It's the universe telling us to slow down and listen to ourselves. I swear it is. :) I wish you much rest and healing and let that wonderful man of yours nuture you.
There is nothing nicer than good nurturing and when you are a single mom and someone's everything, there's not much room or time for yourself.

You are so inspirational to us all. But it would make me happier than anything to see you getting fully healed. The blog posts can wait. And so can we. :)

Thanks for replying on the forum last night. Being sick brings out vulnerability and I don't like feeling that way. But we are human. Even when we think we are superwoman. I can attest to that. You have the rest of your life to dream about what's coming. Just go inside and have quiet this week. And take time for yourself. Is B able to go to his Dad? I hope so.

Take care and we'll wait for you! :)

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Irishmom June 22, 2009 at 1:14 am

ooops! Sorry my comment was too long and I copied and pasted and then got it all screwed up. Hope you can understand it!

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amy June 22, 2009 at 1:51 am

Rest up and take care of yourself my dear. Get help from friends if need be. Concentrate on getting better and RESTING.

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amy June 22, 2009 at 1:52 am

My nephew who is about that age loves Cars and Wall-E!

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Tishia Lee June 22, 2009 at 2:22 am

Like one commenter already said about sickness being our body's way of telling us to slow down, I totally agree! I absolutely love what your friend Brad said about being in cocoon. Hope you start feeling better SOON! And I love the single moms forum!

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Grey June 22, 2009 at 4:17 am

Sometimes I think the past comes around to bite us, not only to keep us sharp, but to remind us to be grateful for these moments and what we have. But I've been toeing that fine line…between wanting more with TallDark&Smokin', and being afraid to move forward….especially when I look at the disaster that was my previous marriage.

Rest up and I hope you feel better soon.

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rawwebdesign June 22, 2009 at 5:13 pm

Haha. You are going to blast out of it with a new vigor. And it's impossible to even imagine you as helpless… you are still going strong even now.

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Modern Married Momma June 22, 2009 at 10:57 pm

Rest.
Sleep.
Soak in a bath.

We are so honored to have you as our first guest on Single Mom Revolution Blog Talk show– can't wait to talk a tomorrow (Tues June 23) 1pm EST.

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Rachel June 23, 2009 at 1:44 am

Maybe your illness is a test to see how John Bear handles you at your worst self?

Get better soon!

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mssinglemama June 23, 2009 at 2:28 am

That is quite possibly the most accurate and insightful comment yet… you're absolutely right. Was thinking the same thing myself. Already – today, just no coming out of it – I am feeling a million times better. Can't wait until I'm 100%.

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this new place June 23, 2009 at 1:53 am

Until recently, the whole "forever" thing has freaked me out, after going through a horrid marriage and divorce. I figured I could just have someone in my life but keep up boundaries and stuff. Apparently, my plan didn't work because we now live together, with my two little ones. We can't imagine being apart. It's a feeling, one without fear for once, that is priceless and well worth giving up past plans.

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mssinglemama June 23, 2009 at 2:33 am

This is so sweet, thank you so much for sharing.

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wyliekat June 23, 2009 at 6:58 pm

Forever is a notion we should never consider. Human brains aren't meant to understand it, because we try to quantify it – and quantifying forever is a good way to make things seem either boring or scary or scarily boring It's the emotional/mental equivalent to standing at the edge of the precipice and staring down into it to imagine what it'd feel like to jump. Nobody and nothing lasts forever, and not too many people are going to jump from the precipice.

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Liz June 23, 2009 at 10:21 pm

It's very hard to slow down or pause and wait to get better instead of driving yourself into the ground, especially if for survival in the past you've just had to do that with no other choice. Or, if with chronic pain or disability, you have to learn how to function normally even through pain and to ignore those signals.

which I say, with a raging sinus and ear infection from my office… this is a gentle reminder to me that I should go home and have some soup!
8-) I hope you feel better soon, and hang in there. one thing i find helpful is to plan little events to happen at particular times. There are only so many popsicles one can eat or baths one can take but if you kind of build up expectation then it gives something to look forward to. Another good event for me with bronchitis is checking the mail or walking outside for 2 minutes to pick a couple of flowers. the outside world becomes so amazing after having been cooped up and miserable!

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