When it rains.

by mssinglemama on April 21, 2009

When I pick him up from day care Benjamin sits stone still in his car seat, mesmerized by Bill Callahan’s Rococo Zephyr.

And then at the, “ripple, ripple, ripple” total cheesiness, pure delight. We start singing. Together. It’s cute. But the instant the ripples are over Benjamin and I both stare at each other like deer in headlights, then turn our heads away.

Like his mother, my son hates it when people sing to him. Try it. Go ahead. He’ll yell at you to stop.

Another sign of many lately that this boy is definitely mine.

See this little smirk of his?

img_2774

That is my heart and soul.

That face up there is a goofy question mixed with extreme excitement and “I have to go potty” terror, all rolled into one adorable smirk.

Some things are always yours and only yours but others like, dialect, movements, smiles – those come from your parents. When one of them isn’t around as much, well – you don’t end up with a kid who has a French accent but you also can’t call a time out when you desperately need one.

During a surprise bed time tantrum Benjamin’s nails caught my face and the words of Rebecca’s I’d read earlier rang in my ears as I felt the scratches down my forehead and on my nose,

“You were “so young” they said, patting you on the head like a puppy, so cute how you always forgot to bring extra wet wipes, so sad that your son’s fingernails were always too long and so dirty.

“When was the last time you cut them?”

“Um… Wait. Are you serious?”

Motherhood seems nearly impossible at times, doesn’t it? It’s ovewhelming to think about, so instead we go through the days and the weeks doing the best we can in each moment and forgiving ourselves for the moments when we lose our shit.

Rebecca (Girls Gone Child), who married her boyfriend after finding out she was pregnant wrote another post today on young motherhood and these words are stirring me:

It makes sense. To wait. But some of us didn’t. Some of us don’t. Some of us got pregnant unexpectedtly and were like “fuck! I’m fucked! What the fuck?” And then were like “fuck it! I’m going to DO this. I’m going to have this baby in a one bedroom apartment with a dude I just met and make it WORK Goddamnit!”
Or… “fuck it! I’m just going to DO this on my own! Without the dude because I CAN ROCK this motherhood thing alone.”

Rebecca is still married but there is so much in her writing I can relate to and she seems to understand single moms, or at the very least, the trials of a marriage set forth by fate not choice.

Her story is my alternate universe, the one I wanted so badly until one day I just said “fuck it! I’m going to DO this on my own.”

And I did. I said it just like that.

I was on my cell phone talking to my little sister, pushing Benjamin’s stroller through the warm spring air.

“I’m going to do it. By myself. Why not? It’s better than being with him.”

My ex-husband sent me a text tonight (very rare).

“Its 5 years i’m in the country and I am for away from being bold so a bet its a bet; you owe me dinner. a nice one.”

His English is a little rough.

What he’s saying is — years ago we made a bet that if he’d still be here in five years I’d take him out to dinner, apparently a really nice dinner.

I can’t believe it’s been five years.

The rain battered the street in Grandview where I was meeting my friend for lunch.

“I’m ready for a boyfriend,” I told her when we were inside. I tugged at the yellow sleeves of my rain coat, the one I’d had since junior high.

“Really? Why?”

“I don’t know. I just am. I’m bored with dating all of these guys. I want something more serious.”

And then I saw him.

In the open kitchen he was shouting orders with his french accent. Then I ordered him. Seriously. I actually told the manager I’d like to meet the cook. The rest is a blur, aside from a few memories of the beginning when we fell so hard and so foolishly.

My ex is constantly astonished at my blatant lack of detailed memories. Thankfully this blog forces me to write them down. And where better to store memories than in the minds of others? They live forever there.

P.S.

[Listen and watch the ripple song here. I'm the girl in the big white sweater trying not to cry because Bill Callahan's music is so intense and he looks at me a few times, stares at me actually which sends me into a bit of a shock.

Warning: DORK alert. I am a dork, you all do know that right?]

Related posts:

  1. Why I am a single mother.
  2. Prince Charming can kiss my ass

{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

Spruce Hill April 21, 2009 at 10:40 pm

I like the I have to pee smirk!

http://sprucehill.typepad.com/

Reply

TsQuest April 22, 2009 at 12:26 am

You're so cute in that video. You're so serious and intent on his words. And its funny because I recognized you because I've seen so many photos of Benjamin.

Who's an absolute doll.

What can you do? Our kids, though little people on their own, are still us, aren't they?

Reply

GirlsGoneChild April 22, 2009 at 12:48 am

Gorgeous woman. Adorable child. Love to both of you.

Reply

Irishmom April 22, 2009 at 1:08 am

What an adorable picture of Benjamin! He does look so like you. And I know what you mean when you are talking about mannerisms or "youisms" that let you know they are yours for sure. Tonight, as I was putting my little girl to bed, she was just staring at me. I asked her why she was looking at me like that and she said , "You look just like me ….!". I know what she means! :)

Reply

thewarriorpoets April 22, 2009 at 2:52 am

Ever have a comment on the tip of your tounge… actually tip of your fingers is a better metaphor… and not be able to get it to come out right? Yeah, this is one of those.

But I liked the story of how you met him. It could be a scene in a movie.

Reply

Apples April 22, 2009 at 6:48 am

Did you ever go back to the resturaunt and demand a free meal because the last thing you ordered turned out rotten (Ohhhh I am bad!!!!) I'll stop now I am feeling a bit too goofy and feisty tonight.
Ok one more!!
Dorky idea alert…..
If you follow through on that bet take him to Chuck E Cheese. When he says something tell him you asked the best man in your life where the best place to go eat was and he said Chuck E Cheese, Take that best man I speak of too. Buy dinner and enjoy it… While the Ex runs around with your son :P

Reply

Yummy Mammy April 22, 2009 at 9:09 am

Far too cute ;-) xx

Reply

wyliekat April 22, 2009 at 1:34 pm

Rosebud's dad was the editor of the school paper when I was a newb to the college. He made a presentation in our class and I was lost.

But now I'm found. ;-}

Reply

Single Mom In Debt April 22, 2009 at 2:18 pm

Love the picture !!!

Reply

littlemansmom April 22, 2009 at 2:51 pm

YOU…my friend are not a dork…you are an original! LOL!

Reply

MindyMom April 22, 2009 at 4:44 pm

He is a cutie!

Sorry you didn't like my opinion on the polish last night! ;) How's it look?

Reply

Nikki April 22, 2009 at 6:08 pm

I love that you ordered your boyfriend. Oh! Everyone needs to be a dork sometimes. It makes us "human".

Reply

liv April 22, 2009 at 7:31 pm

what an awesome kid. truly.

Reply

Jenn April 22, 2009 at 7:45 pm

Not a dork at all, just a truly amazing mama!

Reply

Mocha Dad April 23, 2009 at 2:42 am

You are in fact one cool mama. Definitely not a dork.

Reply

MorseMusings April 23, 2009 at 2:57 am

You inspire me to accept pieces of myself and of life and I just realized for the four thousand and forty-fifth time why life has a way of it's own … these little moments are BIG. All connected together they create ripples of good.

Reply

Amber April 26, 2009 at 5:57 am

GAWD! How did you get him potty trained?? Sienna is 2 and while she hates a dirty diaper as much as the next person she has no desire to go on the potty. And her father is less than helpful about the potty schedule i have been trying to implement. POINTERS???

Reply

Leave a Comment