Comments on: My imaginary husband http://mssinglemama.com/2009/04/06/my-imaginary-husband/ Single Mom Dating? Real advice from a real single mom. Thu, 24 May 2012 06:45:47 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: NotADadhttp://mssinglemama.com/2009/04/06/my-imaginary-husband/#comment-8609 NotADad Sun, 12 Apr 2009 15:31:11 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=2984#comment-8609 Bob: I wondered this too. From her article, Mssinglemama's imaginary husband seems to be a live-in unpaid handyman/masseuse. He fixes all things, takes out the garbage and gives back rubs. Jeez, I want one of those also! (Do I have to turn gay to get one?) In what sense is he also a person with needs that she enjoys meeting? None, apparently. I have no doubt that he is also able to remove big black spiders, clobbers brontosauruses and other manly duties. Perhaps what Mssinglemama really needs is a Philippino houseboy, or - even better - a well-programmed domestic robot. I'm not trying to be mean, it's just that these fantasies sound self-centered and not at all about a relationship. Derek: I think you're idealizing a bit there. Spiritual, poetic love is indeed selfless. But romantic love is little more of a negotiation, once the neurotransmitter cocktail wears off and you're not going into orbit and having huge erections at the mere mention of her name. I agree the most mature thing is to not expect returns on our investment - and that is true of life in general, ask any great enlightened being. But since most of us are not Jesus, Buddha or even Ghandi, we don't always reach this enlightened state of selfless giving and, even unconsciously, we love to be in love because of the enormous high it gives and the incredible sense of fusion and purpose (which is a good reason to miss it). Love is motivated by the rewards it brings, that's just biology, otherwise we would not bother reproducing. Which does not mean that we cannot be giving or that selflessness is not the highest form of love. In truth, most of us un-evolved creatures expect a bit of tit for tat (no pun intended). Yes, I'll do the foot and back rubs but (for eg) an extra long, expert slow BJ would not go astray and does a huge amount for the bonding process. (Any man who leaves a woman who does great long slow BJs is a fool indeed). Or just a sympathetic listen to his insecurities after a harrowing day at work without judging him to be a non-brontosaurus-clobbering arachnophobic wimp. Bob: I wondered this too. From her article, Mssinglemama's imaginary husband seems to be a live-in unpaid handyman/masseuse. He fixes all things, takes out the garbage and gives back rubs. Jeez, I want one of those also! (Do I have to turn gay to get one?) In what sense is he also a person with needs that she enjoys meeting? None, apparently. I have no doubt that he is also able to remove big black spiders, clobbers brontosauruses and other manly duties. Perhaps what Mssinglemama really needs is a Philippino houseboy, or – even better – a well-programmed domestic robot. I'm not trying to be mean, it's just that these fantasies sound self-centered and not at all about a relationship.

Derek: I think you're idealizing a bit there. Spiritual, poetic love is indeed selfless. But romantic love is little more of a negotiation, once the neurotransmitter cocktail wears off and you're not going into orbit and having huge erections at the mere mention of her name. I agree the most mature thing is to not expect returns on our investment – and that is true of life in general, ask any great enlightened being. But since most of us are not Jesus, Buddha or even Ghandi, we don't always reach this enlightened state of selfless giving and, even unconsciously, we love to be in love because of the enormous high it gives and the incredible sense of fusion and purpose (which is a good reason to miss it). Love is motivated by the rewards it brings, that's just biology, otherwise we would not bother reproducing. Which does not mean that we cannot be giving or that selflessness is not the highest form of love. In truth, most of us un-evolved creatures expect a bit of tit for tat (no pun intended). Yes, I'll do the foot and back rubs but (for eg) an extra long, expert slow BJ would not go astray and does a huge amount for the bonding process. (Any man who leaves a woman who does great long slow BJs is a fool indeed). Or just a sympathetic listen to his insecurities after a harrowing day at work without judging him to be a non-brontosaurus-clobbering arachnophobic wimp.

]]> By: NotADadhttp://mssinglemama.com/2009/04/06/my-imaginary-husband/#comment-8597 NotADad Sun, 12 Apr 2009 11:39:18 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=2984#comment-8597 It's true that patience has not been one of my strong points in those relationships, and I (and a think some other men I have known) do not like having to continue to try winning some sort of priority in a woman's life after having done all of the initial approaching and risk taking as per the tedious prevailing courtship norms. Having to always be the one that compromises - and ask "can I see you Friday?" - it feels humiliating, and we don't feel valued - which feels like a rejection is forthcoming. I know in a few cases that feeling has led me to get angry and consequently find myself sabotaging the relationship (often with later regrets) rather than risk being rejected. Anyway these are my issues. It's true that patience has not been one of my strong points in those relationships, and I (and a think some other men I have known) do not like having to continue to try winning some sort of priority in a woman's life after having done all of the initial approaching and risk taking as per the tedious prevailing courtship norms. Having to always be the one that compromises – and ask "can I see you Friday?" – it feels humiliating, and we don't feel valued – which feels like a rejection is forthcoming. I know in a few cases that feeling has led me to get angry and consequently find myself sabotaging the relationship (often with later regrets) rather than risk being rejected. Anyway these are my issues.

]]> By: mssinglemamahttp://mssinglemama.com/2009/04/06/my-imaginary-husband/#comment-8583 mssinglemama Sat, 11 Apr 2009 20:29:36 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=2984#comment-8583 Well, that's what I'm trying to change. We're all ex- bad boy addicts here. Ex being the key word. And I don't think anyone ever said dating a single mom is easy. Far from it, I would imagine dating a single mom is incredibly challenging. Patience is above all the most important thing. Thanks for all of the comments. Well, that's what I'm trying to change. We're all ex- bad boy addicts here. Ex being the key word.

And I don't think anyone ever said dating a single mom is easy. Far from it, I would imagine dating a single mom is incredibly challenging. Patience is above all the most important thing.

Thanks for all of the comments.

]]> By: NotADadhttp://mssinglemama.com/2009/04/06/my-imaginary-husband/#comment-8582 NotADad Sat, 11 Apr 2009 19:23:00 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=2984#comment-8582 Well, single mums can be difficult to have a relationship with. Most times I have become interested in a single mum, I've found it difficult to get and keep their attention for significant lengths of time. They are always working or dealing with the demands of their kids and studying as well in one case I remember. You have to compete with the kids for their time, and it's a losing battle. And I usually like kids, the kids aren't a problem in themselves, it's the complexity that they add to simply trying to build a relationship. They also often already have a support network of their mother and sister and whatnot. I can remember many a time of the potential for and intimate moment just going out the window because they suddenly have a crisis with the kids. If you (the man) try to win the kids affection and succeed, that can be a big mistake as well. After all, the primary relationship is with the mother, she want you to be interested in *her*. Then you have to be careful not to cross any boundaries and assume you have any role in raising the kids, since, after all, you are just a boyfriend (if that). Can you see what we are up against? If that weren't enough, a number of times I have realized that I offered exactly what they said they needed - warmth, caring, education, financial stability etc - but that is not actually what they wanted. They tended to eventually take up with a wife beating ignorant no-good bastard who hated kids exactly the one they left in the first place. Well, single mums can be difficult to have a relationship with. Most times I have become interested in a single mum, I've found it difficult to get and keep their attention for significant lengths of time. They are always working or dealing with the demands of their kids and studying as well in one case I remember. You have to compete with the kids for their time, and it's a losing battle. And I usually like kids, the kids aren't a problem in themselves, it's the complexity that they add to simply trying to build a relationship. They also often already have a support network of their mother and sister and whatnot. I can remember many a time of the potential for and intimate moment just going out the window because they suddenly have a crisis with the kids. If you (the man) try to win the kids affection and succeed, that can be a big mistake as well. After all, the primary relationship is with the mother, she want you to be interested in *her*. Then you have to be careful not to cross any boundaries and assume you have any role in raising the kids, since, after all, you are just a boyfriend (if that). Can you see what we are up against?
If that weren't enough, a number of times I have realized that I offered exactly what they said they needed – warmth, caring, education, financial stability etc – but that is not actually what they wanted. They tended to eventually take up with a wife beating ignorant no-good bastard who hated kids exactly the one they left in the first place.

]]> By: jennhttp://mssinglemama.com/2009/04/06/my-imaginary-husband/#comment-8486 jenn Thu, 09 Apr 2009 03:05:15 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=2984#comment-8486 Interesting timing. April 6th was three years for me. (And I blogged about it today.) I liked what you said about always picking the needy men. That's what I've done in the past, and why I'm still single right now. Because I don't trust my judgement when it comes to men. I know how to be a single mom now. I can do that. I don't know if I can handle another relationship. Interesting timing. April 6th was three years for me. (And I blogged about it today.) I liked what you said about always picking the needy men. That's what I've done in the past, and why I'm still single right now. Because I don't trust my judgement when it comes to men. I know how to be a single mom now. I can do that. I don't know if I can handle another relationship.

]]> By: mssinglemamahttp://mssinglemama.com/2009/04/06/my-imaginary-husband/#comment-8474 mssinglemama Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:31:05 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=2984#comment-8474 Can you adopt? You may want to check out O Solo Mama's blog - she adopted and is a single mom by choice... <a href="http://osolomama.wordpress.com/<br" target="_blank">http://osolomama.wordpress.com/<br</a> /><br />Take care and thanks for the comment. <br /><br />See... I am so glad I'm single with child only because Can you adopt? You may want to check out O Solo Mama's blog – she adopted and is a single mom by choice… http://osolomama.wordpress.com/
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Take care and thanks for the comment.

See… I am so glad I'm single with child only because

]]> By: Amyhttp://mssinglemama.com/2009/04/06/my-imaginary-husband/#comment-8473 Amy Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:05:13 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=2984#comment-8473 I am coming at this from a different angle. I am divorced and dearly want a kid(s). I tried to become a single mom by choice - but after miscarriages, a tube removal and a failed IVF, I am don't know if biological kids are in my future. Most of the time, I am content with my life - fabulous family, great friends, being a kick-a$$ aunt. But there are times I want a partner...mainly when I wake up in the middle of the night after a bad dream or have a "couple-thing" coming up (wedding, etc). While I would love to have someone to share my life with, I am content with my independence...sometimes grudgingly, but mostly content. I am coming at this from a different angle. I am divorced and dearly want a kid(s). I tried to become a single mom by choice – but after miscarriages, a tube removal and a failed IVF, I am don't know if biological kids are in my future. Most of the time, I am content with my life – fabulous family, great friends, being a kick-a$$ aunt. But there are times I want a partner…mainly when I wake up in the middle of the night after a bad dream or have a "couple-thing" coming up (wedding, etc). While I would love to have someone to share my life with, I am content with my independence…sometimes grudgingly, but mostly content.

]]> By: Karenhttp://mssinglemama.com/2009/04/06/my-imaginary-husband/#comment-8472 Karen Wed, 08 Apr 2009 22:46:48 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=2984#comment-8472 Right?!?! I am approaching my 30th and trying to find someone to take the girls for the night and next day so i wont worry about drinking. Yeah my Imaginary Husband. He would let me sleep in at least once a week, Help me with moving, Build a table with me. I really want to date again, to get married, but i'm holding myself out, because of fear. That and watching SO many love movies knowing any guy i meet isn't going to kiss me like the first kiss in these movies. Right?!?! I am approaching my 30th and trying to find someone to take the girls for the night and next day so i wont worry about drinking. Yeah my Imaginary Husband. He would let me sleep in at least once a week, Help me with moving, Build a table with me. I really want to date again, to get married, but i'm holding myself out, because of fear. That and watching SO many love movies knowing any guy i meet isn't going to kiss me like the first kiss in these movies.

]]> By: Derekhttp://mssinglemama.com/2009/04/06/my-imaginary-husband/#comment-8468 Derek Wed, 08 Apr 2009 18:55:09 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=2984#comment-8468 Thinking like this is the difference between a guy, and a man. When you love someone, it doesn't matter what they can do for you. You get out of a relationship only what you put in. The other person has to come first, and there has to be communication. You don't have to be a doormat, but you have to put yourself out there far enough that your needs are secondary. In our current situation, my girlfriend can't always "do for me" because of her schedule. She makes time for me, I help out with the housework. She cooks me a nice meal, I change the transmission fluid in her car. She uses her membership to the Aquarium to get us in for free, I buy Chick-Fil-A for her and the kids that night. She bought me two pairs of jeans the other night because mine were ragged...I've given countless back rubs in the time since we've met without asking or expecting anything in return. True love is selfless devotion to another person. It's not easy and it doesn't happen often. You have to work at it -- but with the right person it shouldn't feel like work at all... Thinking like this is the difference between a guy, and a man.

When you love someone, it doesn't matter what they can do for you. You get out of a relationship only what you put in. The other person has to come first, and there has to be communication. You don't have to be a doormat, but you have to put yourself out there far enough that your needs are secondary.

In our current situation, my girlfriend can't always "do for me" because of her schedule. She makes time for me, I help out with the housework. She cooks me a nice meal, I change the transmission fluid in her car. She uses her membership to the Aquarium to get us in for free, I buy Chick-Fil-A for her and the kids that night. She bought me two pairs of jeans the other night because mine were ragged…I've given countless back rubs in the time since we've met without asking or expecting anything in return.

True love is selfless devotion to another person. It's not easy and it doesn't happen often. You have to work at it — but with the right person it shouldn't feel like work at all…

]]> By: Bobhttp://mssinglemama.com/2009/04/06/my-imaginary-husband/#comment-8467 Bob Wed, 08 Apr 2009 18:37:58 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=2984#comment-8467 You talk about what your imaginary husband would do for you. What would you do for him? You talk about what your imaginary husband would do for you.

What would you do for him?

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