It’s been a tough year.
I’m still reeling from all that has happened and still trying to work it out in my head how to handle my new life. Basically last summer I started to have a bit of a melt down I think.
I’ve lived hard and fast these past twenty years. Traveled a lot, lived in other countries, partied like the world was ending, played in rock bands, got myself a media career and indulged in a few awesome pastimes like rock-climbing, hiking, rafting, mountaineering and skiing.
In the back of my mind I always thought my Mr. Right would appear along the way and he didn’t, or maybe he did and I just didn’t notice. I broke a few hearts and had mine broken in between. And then suddenly, it seemed, I turned 39 and I was still single and still living like a 22 year old. I had grown out of my pants but didn’t have a new pair to put on.
I’ve never been a woman who has ‘needed’ a man and I refused to settle. I’m a romantic when it comes down to it and I just wanted to be in love with a man who was in love with me and the stars just didn’t/haven’t aligned.
As for my son’s father, we were friends and then lovers. He knew I was not on the pill but one night I didn’t offer him a condom (I never do this) and I thought it was the wrong time of the month anyway but I took this risk and so did he. Now here I am with this beautiful little boy smiling up at me from his crib all milked up and content at 3.45am in the morning.
I have a very public job and it was tough maneuvering my way through it as a single pregnant woman. I’m also from a very Catholic family and dealing with all that was hard too. My mum and my old Uncles and Aunts. My mum has been amazing but I can’t help but feel I’ve disappointed her.I just held my head up high as best I could and pushed through but it was so incredibly hard. I turned 40 in the middle of my pregnancy and being 40, people made all these judgements and assumptions about me that I did this on purpose. It was not premeditated in any way. I just lost my mind and took a risk and this lovely little human is now here because of it and I’m so terribly sad for him that he is going to most likely grow up with no father and I feel so guilty for this.
But when I look down at him while he is feeding and those innocent helpless blue eyes look up at me and he stops feeding so he can smile at me my heart melts and I know he’s supposed to be here. I feel like he picked me and I’m so grateful because I now have a new pair of pants to wear. I feel like I’ve been reborn or something. The love you have for your children is so incredible.
<strong>I get it now. </strong>
I’ve just recently had a challenging few weeks. We had these terrible fires (7000 people lost their homes and 200 people died) and my house almost burnt down, my brother and cousins saved it. It taught me a big lesson or perhaps just a reminder. The most important thing in our lives are people not stuff. I took off with my son before the flames reached us. That’s all that mattered to me was getting my baby away from the fire. You can replace stuff but you can’t replace people and my son is now my whole world.
I found my Mr. Right in an unconventional way and I’m mostly fine going it alone if it wasn’t for this terrible sadness I keep feeling for my son that I’ve brought him into the world with no dad and no siblings. And I keep wondering to myself why I took a risk with a man who couldn’t live further away. If he lived in Australia he would have at least been involved on some level, I know him well enough to know that. But he lives in Europe and he is angry and we haven’t spoken since about week nine of my pregnancy and I don’t know what to do about that.
I know I need to send him a message and a photo for my son’s sake. I’m just not ready to handle that – not yet.
[Photo: Isabelle’s beautiful little guy]