Isabelle’s Story

by mssinglemama on March 12, 2009

I have never met Isabelle.

And I’m not sure if I ever will. She lives in Australia but somehow found my blog when she was pregnant and uncertain about how she would manage as a single mom.

Before I publish her post I want to share those initial e-mails we shared last October because these are truly the beginning of her story as a single mom.

From Isabelle to me on October 24, 2008:

I’m 39 weeks pregnant and have been single the whole time. Stupid situation really. I had a five day fling with a European man who I have known for about five years. I have been over there to see him and he comes to Australia every few years to indulge in his extreme sport. I actually avoided him the two months he was here cause he is a womanizer and I’m so sick of those types but I have always had a thing for foreign men (can’t stand Australian men!) but he ended up coming to visit me for just five days and I thought ‘five days won’t hurt’ …well!

It kind of did.

I just lost my mind and we took a risk and I am pregnant and have just turned 40 which is crazy really as I have a number of friends who have been trying to get pregnant for years or months and it happens to me like this.

Anyway he is furious and is very upset that I am having bub and I stopped having contact with him early on as he was stressing me out too much and I haven’t heard from him in about six months. I don’t really begrudge him. I can’t expect much when he lives on the opposite side of the world. What disappoints me is that he is so angry with me for keeping the baby when he knew I wasn’t on the pill and he chose to take a risk too.

He hasn’t taken any responsibility for his own actions. From his perspective it is all my fault.

So! I’ve been good up to this point. First three months were super hard and getting through our winter was a little tricky as I have a high profile job but I made a point of holding my head up high and not letting anyone be negative to me about my situation and it worked.

Mostly people were very supportive. But now that I’m about to have the baby and I just wonder how I will cope. You seem like such a social person really and so was I. I used to play in rock bands up until my mid thirties and I have always been one of those party outdoor sporty types, is that a type? Party, outdoorsy and sporty?

Anyhoo my friends are all planning these events for themselves over the summer and I’m in mild panic that I’m going to feel suddenly really on the outer. How did you cope with a little baby and being single?

This bit I worry about. I will have no time to myself as there is no father to share the baby with. In some ways this could be a good thing and in others it scares the hell out of me. Especially how my little boy is going to be growing up without a father.

How do you manage to remain social? Do you organise baby sitters very much? I guess this what I will have to rely on seeing there is no father. My baby is due any day now and I just have all these feelings and nerves popping up. But you seem to not be short of dates either. I guess in some ways it probably makes you more alert to the womanizer types early on and not waste your time with them.

I don’t really know what I’m asking you. I’m just a bit scared, that’s all. I keep going over in my head how I could get to this point. Why I didn’t find the right man to settle with and to share this with instead of now being single and pregnant? It’s scary as hell but I do have to remind myself that I am lucky too, some women would love to be mums and they will never get a chance to.

From me to Isabelle on October 27, 2008:

You sound just like I did… so here are some words of wisdom. I hope they help:

Aside from rowdy bars, you can take a newborn anywhere. You may soon find who your real friends are – but that is a very good thing. The first 6 months are the hardest. I was single too during this time and it’s by far the most difficult because newborns are so incredibly demanding.

They do need you 24/7 and it seems like it’s never going to end.

But if it’s any consultation – it does end and one day you actually get to sleep through a night, and then another, and then – for me it was when Benjamin hit 2 – things get much, much easier.

Screw the father – this is NOT your fault… consider him the sperm donor from here on out.

You will find other men – you may even be more attractive to them now, as a mother – and yes, the players will fall away – only the good men will be left standing. That means there are less to choose from but you’re only getting the cream of the crop, the men who are totally and completely in love with you.

Everything will change.

You will just want to die sometimes – but about once a week – hire a sitter and treat yourself to that me time you hear moms talk about so much. That will make or break your sanity. Continue being social. I bring Benjamin everywhere I go and he is one of the sweetest, most open and outgoing little 2-year-olds I’ve ever met. Being social – constantly bringing them to festivals, parties and things also makes it easier when you bring a new man into your life. They are so used to meeting new people that it’s less apt to be a shock to their system.

Keep me posted on your birth!! I’m so incredibly proud of you. Be strong.

After this e-mail months went by and I didn’t hear anything from Isabelle… so I figured you could wait a few days to hear the rest of her story.

To be continued.

{ 2 trackbacks } » Blog Archive » Single Parenting: Who is to blame?
March 13, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Isabelle’s Story, Part II
March 22, 2009 at 6:38 am

{ 59 comments… read them below or add one }

PhenomenalMama March 12, 2009 at 12:12 pm

Wow. I'm already hooked. Looking forward to the next installment. 🙂


Pisceshanna March 12, 2009 at 2:44 pm

Wow isn't it crazy how many people you've "met" through blogging? Can't wait to hear the rest of the story.


Susan March 12, 2009 at 5:51 pm

Please hurry, I can't wait to hear the rest….:)


nooffensemeant March 12, 2009 at 6:02 pm

Well, the story is great and I know that it would have a lot of positive comments. I encourage her and I think the advice given is great (My sister had a child and it is exactly how do you put it, it gets more and more bearable with the time). But I happen to differ regarding this line.

Screw the father – this is NOT your fault… consider him the sperm donor from here on out.

I think it is (partly) her fault. Adult people take responsibility of their actions. It is her fault to choose a bastard like this to have a fling and to take a risk.

What did she think having unprotected sex with a womanizer who lives in the other part of the world? Where did she think babies come from?

I don't want make her feel bad, but it is an attitude I have seen in many women to avoid all responsibility and blaming men for their actions. This makes them feel good but doesn't let them learn from their mistakes. In this case, the guy it's to blame, no doubt about it. It is a cad, of course. But Isabelle also has responsibility in the whole thing.

It's sad, because there are nice guys, guys who will be happy to find a woman to have a family. There are lots and lots of them. However, they are despised because they are not as popular or exciting as the "bad boys", who are womanizer (see more at Women only want the nice guy when they have been burned out by the bad boy. So most nice guys end up being lonely until the bad boy gets a woman pregnant and now it's the time for the nice guy to raise the bad boy's kids. I have seen once and again with most of my friends. So the bad boy = all fun no responsibility. The nice guy =no fun all responsibility . That is, people who treat women badly are rewarded. This is why our society is a mess.

This is a blog full of single moms, who had had this experience. They have decided to have babies with a bastard (I have read your stories and most of them are like this). Now you are looking for a nice guy who gives you the love and the responsibility your bastard didn't give you and helps you raise the bastard's child. What about choosing the nice guy in the first place and have a biological father in the family? I know it's too late for you, of course, and you are doing your best. But what about telling your single female friends to do that?

What about telling your female friends to be careful who they mate? How about spreading the word that foolish election of couple can lead to hardships? Or is it better to blame men of everything and see more and more children be raised without a father and more and more mothers overwhelmed by the sheer work that it takes to be a single mom?

Our society, which once was a society of families, is becoming a society of single moms (look the American Census if you do not believe me). Some single moms find a nice guy to help them. Some other are alone while the bad boys are having all the fun and no responsibility. I respect and admire single moms. But I don't think the change is the sheer work that it takes to be a single mom?


christine March 12, 2009 at 7:35 pm

this is so stupid. and offensive. i certainly wasn't out looking for a bastard when i got married and had my kids. i honestly believed he loved me and wanted a family. hell, thats the only reason we got married in the first place, because we decided we wanted to have children! it's somehow MY fault that he decided life is easier and more fun when he's absolved of the responsibilities of children and marriage?
ms single mama is absolutely right: despite the lip service society serves up about "dead beat dads", there is little to no consequence to men who decide to leave their children. none of the single moms i know set out to raise a child without a father in the picture.
i think single moms are the picture of responsibility. saying we are irresponsible because SOMEONE ELSE decided to bail out is completely illogical.


Nicole March 13, 2009 at 2:30 am

I think there is one crucial point that you are missing in your "observations."
People change.
Who they are one day isn't necessarily who they are going to be down the line.
The stress of having an unplanned pregnancy can turn individuals into people that you'd never imagine they would be.
You can be as careful as anything and people still CHANGE.
It has nothing to do with who you decide to date, marry, befriend, or sleep with.
So to insinuate that single moms CHOOSE to be with men that end up being no good for them or their child is insane.
Nobody chooses that on purpose.
Nobody walks into a relationship, romantic or otherwise, and thinks: "That person is a huge jerk. I think I'd like to pro-create with them."
Regardless of whether we are now a society of single moms, I don't think that you can blame the single mother.
Yes, I am a single mother but my opinion is not biased based on that alone. I am also an adult.
An adult that chose to take responsibility for my situation instead of running from it.


Nicole March 13, 2009 at 2:32 am

I don't believe that we, as a collective, blame men.
Relationships fail all the time.
It's part of life.
To say that it is somebody's fault for that is to say a whole lot.

Every situation is different. Circumstances vary from relationship to relationship.
Yes, we are single mothers but we aren't the only single parents out there.
What about single fathers?
Whose "fault" is it when they're left alone to raise their children and we're all sitting back and blaming "the men."

Being married and having children doesn't mean that things are easier. It doesn't mean that parenting isn't overwhelming.

No matter who you are, where you are from, or how well off you are — parenting is overwhelming at some point.

So, to sit here and read that you are actively perpetuating the single mother stereotype makes me sick to my stomach.


Nicole March 13, 2009 at 2:33 am

I think that your comment was an incredibly uneducated one and poorly thought out.

If you're going to comment the way you did, on a single mother's blog, about something that is clearly meant to be insightful and helpful to other single parents — or partnered parents that feel like they are doing it on their own — between two single mothers, then I have to believe that you're purposely trying to start controversy and, aside from your ridiculous remarks, THAT is incredibly disrespectful to the blog poster.

(sorry, I had to post in 3 sections, my comment was too long. It's also missing a part in the middle that I accidentally deleted – oops!)


Ms. Single Mama March 12, 2009 at 6:15 pm

I am one click away from deleting your comment because of the bastard language … so please try to refrain from using that term again if you are going to respond to this:

Here's the thing. Yes, clearly we all accept part of the fault. We are the ones who are raising our children solo – bearing all of the financial and physical hardships that come along with that. But the men – have not accepted an ounce of responsibility because they have completely abandoned the woman and their child. THAT is not fair and THAT is morally reprehensible. They both had sex unprotected so they should BOTH be caring for the child but clearly one of them is missing.

As for everything else about "reading all of our stories" and us all choosing the wrong men. We – at least I did – assumed our man was going to stay by us through thick and thin. We are not psychic – we are only human and yes, unlike other women, we chose rotten apples. So we are bad judges of character in men…

In my opinion society (like Ann Coulter and others) must stop blaming the woman when she is the one raising the child alone. Where are the men? What about that topic for discussion?

Today men are allowed to abandon a woman and child … this is acceptable. They can go about their lives and not be judged? Surely they aren't being judged as harshly as we are… and why? because we chose to sleep with a man and GOD FORBID – keep the baby instead of aborting it.

Sorry but your comment did offend me. Keep your response clean or I'm deleting it.


Squiggly March 12, 2009 at 6:33 pm

Most every single mom I know had no intention of entering a relationship with a "bad boy" that would eventually fail. My mom was single parent for many years and didn't plan on it being that way. Who in their right mind would? If you look at single parent families as a whole, you'll see it's primarily the woman doing most of the child-rearing. And Ms. Single Mama's right, where are the men? If more of them stepped up to the plate and took responsibility as fathers, we'd all be better off. You can still have a family when both parents don't live at the same address. The problem is men often think with their little head and not their big one.


Christina March 12, 2009 at 6:33 pm

"Today men are allowed to abandon a woman and child … this is acceptable. They can go about their lives and not be judged?"

That is the line that says it all. It is socially acceptable for a man to just – leave! Despite the shared "blame" (if you must put it that way), for the unintended pregnancy it is completely OK for the woman to shoulder the entire lifetime of responsibility. Pathetic.

I actually see where this guy was kind of saying that it is wrong, but then there are so many other offensive contortions in his argument that, well, it just ends up being offensive all around 🙂


nooffensemeant March 12, 2009 at 7:34 pm

Look. I will say it for the fifth time. This guy did a really bad thing. And this is an understatement. I would like to insult him but I cannot use coarse language.

I think you are projecting your prejudices in me. Please don't misinterpret me. Don't put words in my mouth I haven't said.

I said that respect and admire single moms. And I have said these guys are b****
I could not be clearer. But if someone wants to misinterpret me, he or she will do it no matter what I said.


mssinglemama March 12, 2009 at 7:47 pm

Okay. I hear you.

And as for this…

“What about choosing the nice guy in the first place and have a biological father in the family? I know it's too late for you, of course, and you are doing your best. But what about telling your single female friends to do that? What about telling your female friends to be careful who they mate?”

Believe me… I do this… on this blog and in life.

Thanks for your comments and for sparking this discussion.


Pisceshanna March 12, 2009 at 6:46 pm

Rising above the pain of abandonment and empowering the single mom is what this world needs, not judgement, guilt and shame from outsiders. You can forever bemoan your past actions, accuse someone of not taking responsibility, but honetly what does that accomplish? NOTHING. I had sex with a "bad boy", yes, I have regrets (who doesn't), but because my daughter's father was an a**hole suddenly means I'm blaming him for everything? I don't think so. HE needs to take responsibility too.

I'm following up every day for my actions, by being a good mom and raising my daughter in a healthy, happy home. I'm not running off to find a "good guy" to fill my ex's place. How dare you belittle us with that gross generalizations.


Pisceshanna March 12, 2009 at 6:46 pm

We single moms are here to support each other, and that means positively cheering each other on, even when we feel discouraged a hopeless. Mssinglemama was doing just that. We know there are bigots and small-minded, ignorant people out there. Thanks for confiming it! All we can do is keep on proving you wrong by raising awesome kids and being great members of society.

Your comment brought nothing to enlighten us single moms, just reaffirmed the sad opinion of so many people who think that in a similar situation, they would have "known better".


nooffensemeant March 12, 2009 at 7:20 pm

I am not a bigot nor small minded nor ignorant. Please read my second message. It never was my intention to disqualify single moms. And I never disqualified single moms (read my first message) And I am sad that you are disqualifying me.

As I said I respect and admire single moms. You are projecting to me things I didn't said. Maybe someone said to you but it was not me.

"All we can do is keep on proving you wrong by raising awesome kids and being great members of society"

I really hope that and I am sure that you will do it. But you won't prove me wrong because I haven't said otherwise. Please read again my words and you will see that you are misinterpreting me.


Emily March 12, 2009 at 7:05 pm

I think part of the problem in discussions like this is that we (as humans) like to put people into categories. It is far easier to just label men as "good guys" or "bad boys" than to deal with the complex realities that many single mothers have had to face. I know that many mothers, myself included, thought we were married or partnered with "good guys" who claimed to want families. Only when the fantasy turned into the reality of sleepless nights, Mama's body changing, diapers, whatever, then suddenly our "good guys" changed their minds. THEY (not us) decided to embrace the "bad boy" thing, and they bailed, either physically, emotionally, or both. Nooffencemeant might want to consider that people, and relationships, change over time, and that sometimes life is more complicated that just good and bad.

Or, what I personally believe, that all babies are a gift from God, and that sometimes people come together for what seem like the wrong reasons, so that a particular individual can be conceived and brought into the world. A lot of brilliant people have come from odd relationships. Maybe Isabelle's baby will grow up to cure cancer or save the world. But I know this only works if you believe in fate 😉


nooffensemeant March 12, 2009 at 7:27 pm

Yes, you are right. Relationships change over the time and sometimes Prince Charming ends up being a bad guy.

This was not the case of Isabelle. Isabelle knew that the guy was a bad boy in the first play. I don't want to blame her. I only wanted to say that, in this case, it better not to mate to these guys.

Of course, my post is a simplification, because there are not "bad boys" are "nice guys". Every human is complex.

But we must simplify things to speak. If I said "Americans are richer than Mexican", this is a simplification. There are Mexican people who is richer than American people. But, ON AVERAGE, the statement is true.


nooffensemeant March 12, 2009 at 7:06 pm

Wow! You are quick answering. I apologize for the use of the B-word. It was not meant to be offensive only graphic. English is not my native language and you will find some grammar and vocabulary mistakes. But, if you make abstraction of this term, you will see that it was not my intention to offend you or anyone of the single moms who are here.

Of course, the men (meaning the men who has impregnated single mom and has not assumed responsibility, that is, the word that I won't repeat) HAS responsibility in the outcome. I said that in my first message. It's a shared responsibility. Look these sentences in the first message: "it is (partly) her fault", "the guy it's to blame, no doubt about it".

"We are not psychic – we are only human and yes, unlike other women, we chose rotten apples."

Look, Ms.SingleMama (I don't know your name, sorry), I don't agree with you. I don't want to offend you but I can only speak what I think, even if my message is deleted because it is misinterpreted. I don't mean to attack you or single moms or make you feel bad. I know I am touching a raw nerve but I don't say this for infuriating single moms.

Isabelle knew these guy was a womanizer for twenty years BEFORE they had this affair. Isabelle knew this guy lives in Europe. She knew that this guy was not a good guy to have unprotected sex with. It was not necessary for her to be psychic. But she choose to ignore all these red flags and have unprotected sex with this guy. This makes her responsible. The guy is responsible, too, and a much worse person than Isabelle (but I won't repeat the B-word). But this is so obvious as I said and I will repeat. So it's a shared responsibility.

It is not that hard to distinguish guys who are not good fathers. It is not rocket science and has been done for centuries. See this improvised list:

Does he live in the same country?
Is a womanizer?
Has a job?
Is responsible with other things in his life? (family, job, etc)
How are their friends?
What are their projects for the future?
Does he wants marriage and kids?
How have their previous relationships been?

The problem is that guys who fail in that list are the most exciting. For example, let's see the womanizing thing. Obviously, womanizers are more attractive. A guy who is not attractive can not be a womanizer because women don't get attracted by him.

So sometimes women decide to forget the red flags because the guy is so attractive. Human people are prone to self-deception. Men do the same thing with an attractive woman.

"Today men are allowed to abandon a woman and child … this is acceptable."

This is not what I meant. I think this guy is a bad men. In the first message, I called him the B-word and I didn't call Isabelle the B-word. I have a list of insults I would like to qualify here but I know that this would make my message deleted. This is because I think his behavior is COMPLETELY unacceptable.

I am not Ann Coulter or anyone else. I cannot answer for words I haven't said. And I don't want to blame anybody except the men that abandon their children. But, if they are the men who are getting all the girls while good men are alone and lonely, why would these bad men change? Being a good guy today is a recipe for pain and loneliness. Being a bad guy today is a recipe for pleasure without any responsibility. So there are more and more bad boys are less and less nice guys.

Ms. SingleMama, even if you delete this message, I want to tell you that my sympathies are with you and I really regret that you are in a situation that you don't have the father to help you.

But there are billions of single women out there for whom it's not too late to avoid the mistake you made and, if we want to do that, we must spread the word that, even if the guy is exciting, you have to pay attention to the red flags. Saying that it's not the women's fault it's not a good way to do that. As I said, it's a shared responsibility.


mssinglemama March 12, 2009 at 7:30 pm

I am sorry but I DID NOT make a mistake. I slept with my husband. I refuse to tell you that I made a mistake, because in my eyes I didn't. Trusting a man is a mistake? Should women not sleep with their husbands? Should women not take a leap of faith and trust that the man they choose is going to be a good father?

Question – have you ever dated or known a single mother?


Melissa March 13, 2009 at 2:05 am

He called the BABY a bastard, which is an absurd term in these days. Bastard used to literally mean without a father, so he is correct in one sense, but on the other apparently doesnt know it is outdated and was used in the 50's as a childhood insult.

On the other hand he corrected himself, so he probably DOES know it was an insult.

Can we call him an asshat?


nooffensemeant March 13, 2009 at 2:46 am








Melissa March 13, 2009 at 3:14 am

I apologize. Bastard DOES quite literally mean without a father in English. So I know why people are insulted.

It does in todays terms also means jerk, asshat etc.

I think that may be where you stepped in it. Bastard for single moms (I am not one btw but MY mom was) is a HUGE insult.

TsQuest March 12, 2009 at 7:10 pm

Oh I can't wait to read more. My heart goes out to her…

Thanks Alaina.


Kat March 12, 2009 at 7:22 pm

Sorry, I am going to be 1 single mom who slightly agrees with the guy who posted.
This may make you all mad at me, but sorry, he's kind of right about something.

Isabelle knew this man was a womanizer, she even told herself to stay far away from him when he came to visit, she knew exactly what kind of man he was, yet she still chose to have sex with him.
This line of her email stood out to me;
"What disappoints me is that he is so angry with me for keeping the baby when he knew I wasn’t on the pill and he chose to take a risk too."

Ok, so she wasn't on the pill, they both chose to have sex, there are many other forms of protection against pregnancy than just the pill. I am sure that condoms are available in AUS, so they didn't have to take this risk, they chose to.
She knew he was a womanizer, she knew it was a risk, she told him she wasn't on the pill, and he wanted to have sex anyway. Why? Because he's a womanizer.
As a woman who knows a man is a total dogging womanizer, she should have gone out and bought some condoms to not only prevent pregnancy, but STDs as well.
This man she slept with sleeps with tons of other women, she admits this, this wasn't just a risk of pregnancy she took, she also took the risk of getting and STD or several STDs if he's the womanizer she says he is.

She wasn't in a relationship with him at all, this is a man who shows up every few years in her country to do his extreme sport and fuck as many women as he can get away with.
She knew this.
Knowing what kind of man he is, knowing that she wasn't on the pill, she owed it to herself to protect herself from both an unwanted pregnancy and STDs.

If my opinion offends, I am sorry, but this was a very stupid risk to take for the pregnancy reason, and because of STDs.

I am not saying that I do not support her now that she is a single mother, I do, but I do think it was a very stupid thing to do knowing there was no relationship, knowing he was a womanizer, and knowing she was on no birth control.
She owed it to herself, to her body, to protect it from an unwanted child and the very real possible risks of STDs.

None of us chose to be single parents, i certainly never expected that my husband and I would get divorced and I'd be left caring for 2 kids, but I also have never slept with any man after him without some form of protection, relationship or not.

I feel for her situation, I feel for her that she will be raising a child alone, but yes, I do put a big huge chunk of the blame (if we're looking to blame anyone) on her.
It was her body she needed to protect and she didn't.

And yes, I also agree, in this society, men are allowed to simply walk away from women and children and society doesn't really go after them the way they go after us single moms.
They call us "loose, sluts, whores, etc etc", and men are not called anything but "men", like it's perfectly ok for them to behave this way.
But as women, women who know the risks of unprotected sex, pregnancy, STDs, it really is uo to us to use protection, to decide to protect ourselves.
No glove, no love, our bodies are worth that much respect don't you think?


Nicole March 13, 2009 at 2:38 am

Very well put Kat.


mssinglemama March 12, 2009 at 7:33 pm

Everyone please SIMMER down (myself included). This post was shared by Isabelle – being gracious enough to publish her story here. Please keep her emotions in mind or I will start deleting comments ( which I never, ever do).

Passing blame means something bad happened – when this is NOT a bad thing. It's a beautiful thing. We need to STOP using words like blame or fault.

She's a single professional woman who – had this not have happened, being 40 – may never have had a chance to have a child. This is beautiful thing.

If you read our e-mails you'll see that she said he – the father – was telling her it was her fault. I told her – "no, this is not your fault." Because it takes two.


nooffensemeant March 12, 2009 at 7:44 pm

Thank you for agreeing with part of my argument. I agree with everything you have said.

I am not a single-mom hater. Single moms are unknown heros, including of course Isabelle. But most single moms would want not to be single moms but have the father of these children helping them. To do this, I would like that

1. Men were responsible of their children. ALWAYS. WITH NO EXCUSE
2. (Some) women thinked twice before doing foolish actions like Isabelle's. Women from previous generations did that. But saying this has become politically incorrect and lots of misery for women and children ensues.

I am only setting the record straight for my first intervention. Once I do that, I won't post here again, because I think I am not able to express myself well and I give a lot of room to misinterpretations.


mssinglemama March 12, 2009 at 7:51 pm

Thanks for your comments V – sorry if I misinterpreted yours… I think it's just that word Bastard and “fault” and “blame” that get me going. And also my adoration and respect for Isabelle. Not many women would have been as brave as she was to actually go through with her pregnancy.


peace March 12, 2009 at 7:46 pm

Singles moms, please don't jump on this dude. I think all he's trying to say is that society in general, finds it more acceptable for men to abandon their responsilities as fathers (ever in court, women get more custody than men, unless both parents are equally responsible), Therefore we women have to protect ourselves, our future, and our lives. This is not fair to us women who work our butts off to get somewhere in this life. Many of of us struggle to make it through life, and the bam! Some guy comes along, whether boyfriend, fiance, or husband, gets us pregnant, and then leaves because he isn't "ready." Or he turned out to be a jerk, and not what you thought he was. As women, we need to be more careful who we lay with, and who we're having unprotected sex with. In some cases, getting pregnant is wanted and desired (like if you were in a committed relationship, or married). But to have casual unprotected sex with someone who is unstable, not even a boyfriend, and has so many red flags, is not the best decision. That's all he's saying. No blame should go around. It's an experience others could learn from.


peace March 12, 2009 at 7:49 pm

As for the single moms or dads out there…keep on rocking! You all are amazing for providing such unconditional love to your children regardless of the situation. In the end , the BIGGEST loser is one who chose to quit.


nooffensemeant March 12, 2009 at 7:58 pm

Thank you MsSingleMama. I think the misinterpretation is my responsibility. I touched a delicate topic in a language I don't fully master and moreover writing quickly. Moreover, I didn't take the time to distinguish myself from people like Ann Coulter which are prevalent in American Culture.

But I am relieved that I am being understood. Apologize to those who I offended without intention. I can be awkward but with no malice.


Random Esquire March 12, 2009 at 12:59 pm


I think ‘nooffensemeant’ (NOM) is making a point that may be lost a bit in that it isn’t made very clearly – please someone tell me if you see it differently.

I think NOM’s point is to say, “What’d you expect from a guy like him?” I think NOM acknowledges that both parties are equally responsible for the pregnancy. When it comes to the care and responsibility by the father for the child post birth, while I think we all agree that this European guy should step up, I think NOM’s point is to say: “Are you shocked that he isn’t? Because you shouldn’t be.”

Sadly, I don’t think any of us are. But I don’t think Isabelle was saying, “How could I have been so wrong about him?” I think she’s saying, “He doesn’t even accept the fact that he is as much responsible for this pregnancy as I am.” I don’t think she’s asking for post-pregnancy support here and she acknowledges the difficulty of that happening (him being from Europe, etc.).

I think that when Ms Single Mama says “this is NOT your fault” – she’s not saying that Isabelle has no responsibility for the situation she’s in. She’s imply saying, “You didn’t create this entire situation by yourself.” The biggest acknowledgment of that responsibility is the fact that she will be caring for the child. I think, though, NOM, that you will get a defensive response because you’ve spent a fair amount of your comment discussing the merits of the guy who got her pregnant. You are 100% correct that we could all do ourselves a favor by encouraging people to date responsible people but I think your message is lost here because when you are adamant about pointing out what an obvious poor choice he would be for a father, it implies (whether or not you meant this implication) that the woman deserved it.

I imagine this scenario:

Woman: “He’s a run-around and now I’m pregnant and he won’t help me.”
Response: “Well, what’d you expect?”

It implies that she should have known better – and that implication creates the impression of fault in a negative sense.

There are TWO issues here. 1) Responsibility for the pregnancy and 2) responsibility for the taking care of the child.

Responsibility for the Pregnancy: Both Isabelle and the European guy are equally a part of this. I think all parties would agree, no?

Responsibility for the Child: Both should care for the child. I think we all agree on this, as well. I think Ms Single Mama is saying, “It’s ridiculous that it has become acceptable for men to not own up to this.” And NOM is saying, “What’d you expect?”

You’re both right, really. The problem, though, I think, is that NOM’s point is perhaps made clumsily and so it isn’t much of a counter-point to the issue of men’s responsibility for their children.

Ms. Single Mama’s point: Men should take responsibility for their children.
NOM’s point: If you play with a snake, expect to get bit.

They aren’t opposing – NOM agrees that the father is a punk here – it’s just that I don’t think NOM”s point is particular constructive in this conversation.

That said….Isabelle is a real person and has real feelings and I apologize for dissecting this conversation if it, in any way, felt impersonal. Best wishes to you, Isabelle. I hope you continue to find the support you need.



nooffensemeant March 13, 2009 at 2:50 am

Thank you, Random Esquire. I didn't mean to offense anybody. I tried to make a point. If I knew what would happen I would have never written a word. Yes, I am clumsy when writing in English. I apologize


nooffensemeant March 12, 2009 at 8:03 pm

Completely agree with both messages. Thank you for telling things better than me. I think this is the advantage of being native in a language. I didn't want to hurt single moms, offend them or making them feel bad.

This is my last message. I have written a lot here. I apologize for creating a little storm in what should be a peaceful pond.

And yes, single moms or dads rock! Keep up with the good job! Blessings and good wishes


Kat March 12, 2009 at 8:11 pm

I really am sorry if I offended anyone at all with my use of the word blame, it takes 2 people to have sex, 2 people to decide to have unprotected sex, and I just saw so many warning signs in her 1st email, all I could think was, How could she?

None of us wanted to be single parents, I don't think any woman sets out to raise kid(s) alone, but once we are faced with it, we just buck up and do it.
Isabelle will do it, just like the rest of us do it.
It's not going to be easy, raising kids is a hard job even with 2 parents, but we're doing it, and so will she.

I totally support her and her future, I am behind her 100%, I just hope she doesn't expect the sperm donor to step up and be "a man" any time soon. maybe someday he will, but for now, it's all her.
She can do it, she WILL do it.

I've been raising my sons on my own for 16 years this coming June.
It's been the toughest 16 years of my life, but I wouldn't take it back for a second.
I've learned so much, I've loved more than I ever thought I could, and my sons have taught me and loved me more than I ever thought was possible.

I haven't even looked for a man to be in a relationship with in years due to health reasons, I admit, if I had a man around,a good man, things would be so much easier for my sons and I during all of my health problems and surgeries, but the 3 of us do it, we struggle a lot, but we do it.
It has made the 3 of us so much stronger as people, more loving, more caring, much stronger.
I hope that when I eventually get done having all my surgeries, that I can find a good man who will love me and my sons even though they will be much older, probably not even living with me anymore, but my sons will always come first, no matter what.
If a man doesn't at the very least like and care for them, I will not ever be able to love him.

Isabelle, I am sorry if anything i said offended you in any way, I meant no harm, I really do think I just saw all of the warnings signs of what kind of man he was, and then was shocked to see you slept with him without protection anyway.
But that's in the past now, the future lies ahead, and you will do this, you can do this, you and your child will be fine, you will be an amazing strong single mama.
Hang in there, you can do this.


Pisceshanna March 12, 2009 at 8:25 pm

I just think its pointless to say "Well, maybe you SHOULD have done this, instead of this.." Single parents need to move on, and help each other along the way. Alaina, you keep on sending out those positive vibes, because thats what we need the most.


misscriss0830 March 12, 2009 at 8:35 pm

Does it have to be anyones fault really? It takes 2 to tango baby… least it took 2 to tango when i got pregnant….only took one of us to walk out and left the other one to raise that baby all on her own…so I did what I thought was best. You want out…ill getcha out….i terminated my ex husbands rights to MY child when HE decided that it was more fun to do meth than his wife:) So technically…..he is just a sperm donor. I didnt play with a snake either….I married my HS sweetheart and we were doing great until he met meth and pretty much died on the inside..just to clear that up. If you're not going to take an active & healthy role in your childs life….you should loose your rights…whatcha expect right? And before anyone jumps to any conclusions here…..Im also completely independant….no tax payers helping me out at all:)
Mssinglemomma…..thanks for introducing Isabelle…..I hope things work out well for her & baby:)


Vicky March 12, 2009 at 9:06 pm

I don’t normally post on these things but I felt that I should.I’ve been in a relation with a wonderful man for 6yrs who was married for ten years and had two sons.One of which he adopted when he got married.At some point in his marriage his wife changed and decided that she no longer wanted to be married nor be a mother.She choose to walk out. He did his best in raising two wonderful young men, one who is 21 and one who is 15.It is hard work for both single mothers and single fathers.Weather you become a single parent by divorce or because of a risk you took, most of the time it is not something that someone asks for or dreamed of their life being.


Vicky March 12, 2009 at 9:06 pm

I must say that Isabelle is taking responsibility for mating with a man who she knew was a womanizer, by having this child which is a gift from God knowing that the father wants not part in raising this child.She is doing what she sees is best for her and her child.I’m sure that there are quite a few of us out there that can say we took a risk and mated without protection with someone who would have turned out not being the father/mother you had hoped for you child.You can point fingers in both directions but the point is here that Isabelle is becoming a mother and only wants to be the best mother she can be for her child.


Janet March 12, 2009 at 9:32 pm

–I'm excited to read the rest of this story. I actually think I understand what "nooffensemeant" was saying above, but don't necessarily think it applies to this situation or many other stories I have heard recently.
–I agree that there is a problem in today's society with people not accepting responsiblity for their own actions. People have a tendency to blame others for things that happen and ignore their own part in the situation. to be continued….


Janet March 12, 2009 at 9:33 pm

–I don't think that this is the case with Isabelle. I think she is rightly bothered by the fact that the father was so negative and unwilling to share any responsibility for the situation. I also think she has reflected on her decision to sleep with this guy and realizes it was not the best choice, but is learning from it and moving on with life in the most positive way possible. That, I think, is a great thing!
–As for many other single parent bloggers I have encountered…most of us did not intend for this to happen (myself included). We married someone who, for one reason or another, turned out to be VERY different from what we thought. Are there things we can learn from this? Most likely, yes. Does it mean that we purposely chose bad boys to marry and have children with? From what I have seen in most cases, no.


jen March 12, 2009 at 9:56 pm

Isabelle is in for a hard slog and I know exactly what she'll be going through, or is – if she's had the baby by now. Pretty much the same thing happened to me nearly 8 years ago and he's sitting right next to me scoffing his breakfast down now.

He's the hardest and best decision I ever made and yes my life changed and who knows how different his life would be if his father was around, but I'm doing my damndest to make sure he has a good life.


Amy in Sedona March 12, 2009 at 10:22 pm

Wow! Well I cant wait for more Isabella. And MSM, thanks for all of your advice for me. I finally went out on a date. But Im not really ready yet. It will happen when it happens. Im keeping positive! Thank you


Canadian Bald Guy March 12, 2009 at 11:02 pm

I can't believe the people so quick to jump on Isabelle.

Listen…this could happen to anybody. It's so easy to sit back and say, "She should have known better" but this exact situation could happen to any one of us. You're single…the passion takes over…the woman is pregnant. It can happen to anybody. And yes, I'm speaking from experience (lol).

I'm just looking forward to seeing what happens next. Hopefully, she ends up finding the support she needs.

And the father? He is totally the loser here. Totally. I respect no man who abandons a mother. If she wanted him gone, that's one thing…but for him to blame her for getting pregnant? That's something else all together and it just boggles my mind.


Melissa March 13, 2009 at 2:11 am

Octo Mom (I hate that term) chose to be a single parent. In fact a lot of women do. I think a lot of adoptive men do as well.


Kat March 13, 2009 at 2:27 am

I am wrong, some people do choose to be single parents sorry if what i said offended you as well.

All I was saying was that once a person is faced with being a parent, they just buck up and do it, it will be hard, there are times it will suck so bad you want to quit, but you just do it.
I've been doing it alone for 16 years, it was rough, times I just cried my eyes out, but I would trade it for anything.
It's the been the toughest by most rewarding thing I've ever done.

As for the "octomom", I can't even discuss her without getting completely infuriated by her decision.
14 kids, no job, no money, relying on her parents all these past years to help her raise her 6 other kids, and is now relying on the taxpayers and kindness of others to help raise all 14 of them.
She, IMO, wanted fame and fortune, wanted to be like the Duggars and Jon and kate plus 8, maybe get her own tv show and tons of freebies, and it's happening for her.
She's gotten enough money from doing interviews to buy a house, she's still getting money, ET and Radar are paying her for every interview, so yup, she's now making money for having 8 more babies that she could never afford to have before.
3 of her kids receive SSDI, she gets food stamps and probably medicaid for all of her kids, heck, medicaid, is probably paying for the births and hospital stay of the 8 babies because IVF only covers the cost of the actual IVF, it doesn't cover the birth and hospital stay, so yeah, the taxpayers are paying for the new babies, and all of us taxpayers are paying for her food stamps and medicaid for her and all of her kids, and now kind people are paying for her to get a new house and new toys, and free diapers and formula, and heck, she may even get a tv show.

I'm sick of people getting rewarded for doing dumb things, and sorry, what the octomom did is dumb and wrong IMO.
I wish her 15 minutes would just end, she makes me sick.


Kat March 13, 2009 at 2:31 am

"I just cried my eyes out, but I would trade it for anything. "

That should say, I WOULDN'T trade it for anything. Sorry.

And the coment form never remembers my info. Just a peeve, sorry Alaina…LOL


Melissa March 13, 2009 at 3:20 am

Oh Kat, I totally agree with you. Its scary with the decisions she has made. But I dont believe the kids should bear the brunt of it.


mskat March 13, 2009 at 4:04 am

I don't believe that the kids should suffer because of what's she's done either, but it isn't right that the taxpayers of California and the entire country, (food stamps & medicaid are national, so all citizens pay for these programs) are being forced to pay for her choices.
Instead of helping her mother pay the mortgage on the house, she used 2 workman's comp settlements to pay for IVF. Instead of using those 2 workman's comp settlements to help her mother pay for food/clothes/utility bills in that house, she used the money for even more IVF treatments.
At some point in the last few years, she lied on her food stamp applications about how much money she had and any settlements she received. If she had been honest about those 2 workman's comp settlements, she would not be getting any food stamps, so she has committed welfare fraud which is punishable by up to 5 years in prison per count of welfare fraud, so 2 settlements over the course of 5 years, during which all 5 years, she did receive food stamps and medicaid, so all 5 years are considered welfare fraud.

What gets me is that ET (entertainment tonight) is treating her like a celebrity, giving her a daily video blog, tons of press, paying her for every video she agrees to make, and every single time they show up to film her, the bring a check for the doing the video and more diapers, clothes, and toys and gifts for the other 6 kids.

I don't think any of the kids should suffer, go without, but since when is becoming a parent worthy of all of this attention and fame and money?
Since when is being a seriously irresponsible idiot with no job, a home in foreclosure, obvious mental and physical problems, (workman's comp settlements are paid out for serious injuries, she claims it was her back both times, she says she can't work because of her back) no spouse, no man's name even claiming to be the father, (the name she wrote on all 14 birth certificates is a lie, it's just the name of a friend) something worthy of all of this attention?
I guarantee you that if someone else ever tries to pull this again, CPS will be at
the door investigating the home, the children, the mother, the grandparents, talking to all of the neighbors, everything, and the kids would never be allowed to be given to her to raise.
But because shows like ET are making her out to be some sort of celebrity, CPS is not even touching this! They are not investigating her, and they should be!
The old house was an absolute pig sty, filthy, held together with duct tape, a total mess, the kids were dirty, neighbors had called the police and CPS, but nope, not now, not now that she's a celebrity.
Gah. makes me sick. I have o stop talking about her, it's raising my blood pressure up, I can feel it, and I already have heart health issues.
Trust me though, if I did even 1 little thing that someone else considered wrong with my sons, CPS would be at my door, they'd probably take them away while they investigated me because of my health issues alone, never mind if I did something as stupid as get IVF and have 6 embryos implanted as a single parent with no job and my house was messy.


March Liz March 13, 2009 at 4:04 am

Alaina I just wanted to say I found your blog when I was pregnant and alone too (and on the other side of the world tho I am in the US now), and it really opened my eyes to the fact that there might be life on the "other side"…and there SO is!! Can't wait to hear Isabelle's story. 🙂


mama_crazy March 13, 2009 at 6:22 am

Wow. Amazing response to this post. I can't wait to hear more about Isabelle – I'd love to share some of my experience with her – I'm in sort of a similar situation with Monkey's donor. I knew who he was, but he had changed (obviously, not enough – seeing as how I'm in the situation I'm in now). Anyway – let me know if she'd like the advice/info/experience.


badmuthablogger March 13, 2009 at 6:30 am

Wow, kinda intense comments going on here. I agree with Canadian Bald Guy, this scenario can happen so easily to anyone. Hey, it happened to me.Isabelle, if you're reading this, I would LOVE to connect with you. I can relate to your story, it's parallel to my own. I'm a single mama too, got pregnant and gave birth last year when I turned 40. The father was not in the picture, he actually offered me a large sum of money to have an abortion. He hasn't signed the birth certificate, and we have had one hell of a journey over the last year. Now that I've given birth, and he's been over here and seen his son, he's fallen in love with him and wants to play more of a role. But, he lives on the other side of the world (UK) and although I'm English I live in California. It's a long story, and it's been tough, up and down, but I would not change my situation for the world. My baby is my world, and I know you are going to feel the same way too. If you read this message, come visit my blog and write me a comment so we can connect. I can't wait to hear more of your story on Alaina's blog!


NewSingleMama March 13, 2009 at 7:21 am

I kind of agree with that much too. My baby's dad is kinda the same as the guy she described in a way. We weren't dating for a long time when we had unprotected sex, but I trusted him for the most part. He lied to me and said he hadn't been with but a handful of people, he only had sex in committed relationships, he had been tested, he loved me, he wanted to be in a long relationship with me, he wanted a family, his life was together. Sadly AFTER I got pregnant I realized what a huge lie everything he ever said was. But had I known beforehand there was no way he would've touched me .. protected or not.

So I can see what NOM meant by her accepting the blame for her actions and not expect much more from this type of .. but I think she probably has. There is a such thing as a bad judgment call in the heat of the moment.

Do I agree that we all pick out a bad guy and look to put his kids on a good guy after we realize we've been effed over? Absolutely not and that's the only part of his post that offended me. I'm so sick of hearing that already and I'm only 5 months into being single and pregnant. People judging me, looking down on me .. men pulling aside the GOOD guys I'm dating and trying to talk them out of being with me and taking care of "some assh*les mistake" .. it's sickening.


Laura March 13, 2009 at 1:23 pm

Blame, Blame, Blame why does society love to place blame? I came away from the post with a feeling of sympathy…of a woman in her 40's that knows her life is about to change and how does she combine the new baby in to her life style. I bet once she held her new child in her arms the social aspect was not as important.

Out of my three children only one was planned…I found out I was pregnant with my last one when at the Dr's trying to get antidepressants to help me deal with the evil marriage I was in. My point is that "Oh Wow, Really?" babies happen all the time…married or unmarried and casting blame does not help anyone.


abrookshire March 13, 2009 at 3:02 pm

I've made myself stop reading these comments because I'm getting too worked up and upset about them. I think that everyone has forgotten that this isn't a fictional story about a character you created, this is a real life story about a real human being who has feelings and would be hurt and angered by some of the judgments that are being passed around here (and since I'm all worked up let me just say HOW DARE YOU to each and every single person who has passed judgment on this woman!!)

She made a decision. That decision has consequences. She has accepted the result of her actions and will see it become a beautiful and wonderful blessing in the form of a child. There is no mistake in that. There is no reason to judge in that. Her decision produced a result. Who here has not made a decision that produced a result they didn't intend? Wear a new pair of shoes, you might get a blister, drive a little too fast, you might get a citation, have sex and you might get pregnant.

I'm assuming that pretty much everyone reading this blog has had sex. And I'm going to hazard a guess that there is probably a pretty good percentage of the readers that HAVEN'T had a baby. You've still made the same decision the rest of us have made. You are no different, you are no better.

Sure this woman may have ignored her better judgment in having sex with a man that she knew full well she would be better off avoiding. How many of us women eat that chocolate bar or that piece of cake that we know we should avoid. Same situation here. One has a different result, but essentially they're the same. Why do we do what we know we shouldn't do? Because it feels good enough to make it worth it. Because it's just the distraction or the comfort we need at that time and because at that time, in that situation, it's what we decided we wanted to do. Give her some slack, she made a decision, she's accepting the responsibilities and she's got an amazing and wonderful blessing ahead of her because of it.

Pertaining to some of these other comments about men, I heard it phrased wonderfully once before, "People ASK men to grow up and take responsibility. When it comes to women, they just hand her the dishrag and ASSUME she'll take care of it….This is why we're supposed to be impressed if a man grows up into a decent, responsible creature but it's the minimum expectation for a woman."


mssinglemama March 13, 2009 at 3:28 pm

Hey everyone… I want you to know that the original commenter – we'll call him Mr. V really did not mean to offend. English is not his first language and he had no idea what the word bastard meant.

And Isabelle wrote me to say she expected some of this and is not upset at all. She is a single mom after all, we're tough as nails.


abrookshire March 13, 2009 at 3:20 pm

I've made myself stop reading these comments because I'm getting too worked up and upset about them. I think that everyone has forgotten that this isn't a fictional story about a character you created, this is a real life story about a real human being who has feelings and would be hurt and angered by some of the judgments that are being passed around here (and since I'm all worked up let me just say HOW DARE YOU to each and every single person who has passed judgment on this woman!!)


nooffensemeant March 13, 2009 at 3:35 am

I can tell you without doubt that choosing the word "bastard" when I meant "jerk" in a single moms blog is the most awkward choosing of words I have done in my life.

Curiously enough, I wanted to put "jerk", but I thought "jerk is coarse language in English, let's put a smarter language". I have seen in movies that they use bastard as an insult. But I haven't thought about bastard as "child without father".

Really awkward, clumsy and stupid. But please read my message with calm and you will see that bastard is applied to the father not the kid. I think people saw the word "bastard" and didn't bother to read the rest of the message. I touched a raw nerve.

Anyway, I apologize.

Thank you for your understanding.


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