Toxic Friends

by mssinglemama on February 20, 2009

Have you seen the new Momversation series? I love these videos.

And this question really hit home for me. I have had quite a few toxic friendships in my days and yes, breaking up with a woman is a helluva lot harder than dumping a dude. Check this out.

Do you have toxic friendships? It’s critical for us single moms to only keep good friends in our lives. Anyone who drains, strains or just makes you feel yucky needs to go – no matter what the reason.


Speaking of friends (not toxic ones). Morgan is on her way up for a weekend visit with Lucca. Can’t wait! And still can’t believe she’s so close.

And Benjamin and I are just one week away from our trip to California.

If you haven’t already – save the date for our play date in Los Angeles with Matt & Maddy. I also  just found out that Rebecca Woolf (Girl’s Gone Child) is coming. Needless to say I am freaking out. Rebecca is like the blogging worlds Angelina Jolie – she should have her own promotional mugs, yeah, she’s that cool.

Good times with good (non-toxic) friends in the very near future. And no toxic cigarettes will be a part of the equation.

So… tell me about your toxic friendships.

{ 1 trackback }

The Constructive Purge « Savored Life
March 13, 2009 at 10:20 am

{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

Karissa February 20, 2009 at 5:53 pm

I have a friend who is very good to me, but she is quite the know-it-all and completely lacks humility. She actually drives me nuts, but she doesn't know it! I'm afraid I'm the toxic friend in our relationship, because every time she gets on her high horse, I try to knock her down a bit 🙁

I don't know why I'm so hard on her. Maybe it's because I just want her to be just like me, which is totally unfair. But she's kinda crazy, and not in the fun way!


Sheila February 20, 2009 at 7:06 pm

Moochie McMoocherson — enough said …


newsinglemama February 20, 2009 at 7:27 pm

i have had my fair share of toxic family members, friends have always been good to me
but most of my family members are nuts!
and i have no time for their narcissistic ways right now…


SingleParentDad February 20, 2009 at 9:22 pm

No toxification round here, although my wife had a few that we would have 'words' about/with.

Enjoy your visitors, and I am loving this new blog layout.


Kelli February 21, 2009 at 12:08 am

When I found out I was pregnant with Ella, I had this, like month of purging. I just thought: why continue to have friends that I would never trust my child with in an emergency..and I just let them go. Now I have such a small group of friends, but they are definitely keepers!

PS-I can't believe Rebecca from Girls Gone Child is going to be at the playdate! I just finished her book and I totally agree with you, she IS like the Angelina Jolie of the blogging world.

I think Ella and I are going to road trip it up there!

So looking forward to meeting you in person!


Dawn February 21, 2009 at 12:49 am

Who doesn't have a toxic friendship story? I experienced my first a few years ago. I remember the phone call like it was yesterday. "I choose not to be your friend anymore …" kind of intensified her angry self more and she turned into a stalker quality bitch from hell.


Dawn July 12, 2010 at 11:57 pm

LOL!!!! That’s insane–I have the same name and this just happened to me! She just called for the SEVENTH time today. You know what’s really ironic? She goes “Oh, I know you want to be alone, *but* I really, really need to talk to you.” She went on and on about me blocking her on Facebook and not answering her calls even after I told her explicitly that I didn’t want to talk to her.


Nina February 21, 2009 at 1:34 am

you know, I have to work hard to not be friends with selfish people. I was raised by very selfish people and feel most "comfortable" with people like that. while it isn't right, it feels right – if that makes sense. I don't make many friends because 1. my sisters are my best friends and except for the youngest not selfish . 2. I am leery of taking on blood suckers as that is how I see toxic friends. my last one was a person I met on a website I frequent. she would call me all the time and tell me how awful her life was and how she was so down and wanted to kill herself etc then she married an ex-heroin alcoholic on methadone and social security. (yeah so that made the phone calls even better) he had a liver transplant (yeah on medicaid), all his kids were on social security because he was "disabled" and wanted her to have kids so she didn't have to work and they could stay home together. so…after I had my son 6 weeks early who was in NICU for 3.5 weeks she refused to take my calls unless it was convenient for her (meaning she had someone to complain about) then when my son got home she called one morning very early and woke me up and I was like um, you know I'm a single parent with a brand new baby, right? who was up all night with colic, right? so why are you calling me this early? and she got mad that iwas so rude and would tell her she called too early and sent me this nasty email about how I was never there for her and posted on the site we were on together about how great of a friend she was and how awful I was. the sad part is, about two years before that I had cut her out of my life and when I got pregnant she wrote and called and begged to come back in (had sent me letters apologzing for what she had done and telling me I was a great person and she had really enjoyed our friendship etc)- but then when she decided she was done the story changed and i was the one who she had done the favor of befriending again, etc.

I'm so much better off without her but it taught me to trust myself AGAIN (how many times do I need that lesson?) and when I am done to be done.


Keeshabee February 21, 2009 at 1:57 am

I had quite a number of girlfriends back in my single days, but then I knew who the good ones were when I had my wedding. Now, I know who the REAL ones are now that I'm a single mom and going through a divorce, and there is only two of them. One day, I just deleted all of those ones off my facebook page, and my cell phone. In this new life as a single mom, the drama I face with my daughter's dad is enough of a headache. I don't need anymore.

You guys have fun on your vacation!! Take lots of pics 🙂


anon February 21, 2009 at 3:24 am

Hmm, had a number of those when I was younger and my child just a baby. Lived in a townhouse complex with a bunch of women who acted like they were still in middle school relationship wise. Except throw in new parenting to boot. Nasty situation. How did I solve it? We moved 🙂


ali February 21, 2009 at 6:57 am

I'm alot younger than you (a mere 18), and not a single mother. But i've had a horrible friendship, and at my age, friends are all you have apart from family. I was enver overly popular at school, then i met Tabatha. We became two peas in a pod. Never know as just Alice, or Tabatha – We were Alice and Tabatha. I stuck by her between thick and thin, when she had other friends slide in and be the new best friend for a while. I'd stick around. By grade 11, we were inseperable. No new girls came in, no boys.

(comment too long, to be continued.)


ali February 21, 2009 at 6:58 am

Even when i had a boyfriend, she came first. Boys come and go, but friends stay forever (or so i thought) Then all of a sudden, in grade 12, Shayne came along. The strange, odd boy from another school. She stopped inviting me over, stopped answering my calls, etc. One day i got onto her, she told me, she'd given up on me, cause i wasn't as unique as shayne and his friends. By unique, she means doing drugs and being creepy.

Thus ended a 8 year friendship. I moved away, not a single call, email for months. Now, a year and half later, im getting IM's and text's from her to come back into her life. What do I do?

Btw, i've been a blog lurker for a while on yours and Matt's blogs. Thought i'd get off my virtual ass and give you a comment ;p

Ali <3


Audrey February 21, 2009 at 9:12 am

Just last year I ended a friendship that had spanned 30 years!! I guess there is only so much 'toxic' that one can take…


NewSingleMama February 21, 2009 at 11:56 am

Since I've become pregnant I've obtained a few "friends" who don't know how to act around me, who don't wanna be around me, or who just try to make me feel guilty for having a baby and not being "young and free by effing up my life". It sucked a lot at first, but now I'm just whatever. I get rid of contact of these folks asap! I don't want people in my life like this and don't need them at all!


Sister February 21, 2009 at 2:29 pm

Unfortunately, I have had a number of toxic friends. I purged most from my life about 10 years ago and feel good about it. I have grown careful in determing who I will allow into my life. Right now, the "toxic friend" that I am purging from my life is my sister. It feels horrible but her negativity, accusations and wrath have reached a point that is making my life miserable. I do love her and her kids. However, I cannot allow anyone in my life who only seems to work to make me feel bad about myself and the choices I make.
This is one of the hardest things I have ever done but I have to do it for myself. She is NOT pleased with this turn of events and is ramping up the attacks. Thank God for caller ID.


mssinglemama February 22, 2009 at 7:49 pm

Oh no… yes, toxic family relationships are even tougher to break. Hang in there. Maybe in time she&#039;ll see it from your point of view and simmer down.


cyndi February 22, 2009 at 4:35 am

I broke up with a friend because I was tired of everything revolving around her. Everything always had to be her way or the highway. Unfortunately, the final straw came when she threw a fit because I wouldn't stand X up for a dinner party to go out with her at the last second. (I was free the next night and she knew that.) X and I had just met , so in her mind I ditched her just over a guy. Whatever. I walked away from it with no explanation because there was nothing I could have said that would have made her understand. A year later we ran into each other and she freaked out and started screaming at me for how horrible I was. Proved my point for me. I wish her well and hope she's happy but I just don't have the energy for such high maintenence friendships.


mssinglemama February 22, 2009 at 7:46 pm

Wow. That is crazy! So glad she is out of your life. Good for you.


Savored_Life February 22, 2009 at 4:50 pm

~ Numba One: Love your blog face-lift! 😀

~ Numba Two: I was just getting ready to write about this same topic when I read your entry!! I recently *dumped* one of my TF's and wow…what a weight lifted.

Bet you and Morgan are having a FANTABULOUS time!! 😀


movin down the road February 25, 2009 at 2:50 am

It took my divorce to rid of toxic friendships. Now, I have good intuition and have managed to create good ones and steer clear of icky ones


get me outta it!!! March 21, 2009 at 2:04 am

have a toxic friendship that I am having a very hard time getting rid of. It is a guy whom I have been friends with for 3 years. Its funny because all of it I compare to as if it is a relatioship, but that is how I feel. The first six months were the best, we were such good friends, together all the time, there was so much respect and care, but feel it was unhealthy. I feel like because of the time we shared and how much we were with each other it became unhealthy. It then turned into something that for the last 2 1/2 was, well is out of control. He puts me down, he yells at me, we get into arguments like we are in middle school, we don't speak for weeks then we do. Its a cycle of constant hurt. Lately, I thought our friendship was better. I think if I don't talk to him, my life is over. When I see him though, all I feel is hurt and resentment. I care about him, but do I really? Question is how do I get out of it. I used to be able to go to him for everything. I just don't know what to do and how to break free without hurting…………………


Ken Sack March 24, 2009 at 9:03 pm

A point not mentioned is that our mental energy level drops with age.This means we can't tolerate toxic people the way we could in our youth. Thats why I've pruned these people out of my life. I 've noticed how I've grown faster as a person since doing this. These people are vampires, blood suckers. Yes my social circle is a lot smaller, but its definitely worth it.


distraught mom April 10, 2009 at 9:11 pm

well i'm a mom of a beautiful almost 21 year old daughter. she is married and has a toxic friend but i dont think my daughter can see it. the friend sleeps at her place every weekend and text messages her every 2 seconds almost obsessive. now her young marriage is in trouble and she wont try and work it out just runs to this friend and when i tried to talk to the friend she told my daughter i was blaming her and was mad. her friend then told me she didnt want to get involved in her marital problems (is this a friend? you would think she would want to help). how do i get my daughter to see this is a toxic friendship and not helping the marriage at all? help


mssinglemama April 11, 2009 at 12:43 am

Sounds like it's out of your control… She has to learn her own lessons. So sad for you though.

Sent from my iPhone


Lynne January 9, 2010 at 11:07 am

I had a toxic friend at work, breaking my own rule about not having personal friendships in the office. At first it seemed that we had so much in common. We were both single parents of rebellious teenage daughters, came from dysfunctional families of origin, felt overworked and unappreciated at the office. She outranked me, although I didn’t report to her, but that didn’t matter. We were soon spending breaks and lunch together, finding comfort in sharing our problems and how stressed we were. She was there for me when I had emergency surgery. I was there for her when her 16-year-old daughter ran away from home. Then things began to change, almost impreceptibly at first. I began to feel that she wasn’t doing the job she was paid to do. She was often late to work, didn’t answer her cell or pager, and seemed never to be in her office when people were looking for her. I ended up doing some of her work, which enraged me because there didn’t seem to be a good reason why she couldn’t do it. I was already doing two jobs for the price of one, since we had lost a staff position due to budget cuts. I asked her what was going on, but she became hostile and defensive. Overnight, our friendship vanished. I no longer trusted her. I couldn’t understand why the boss was allowing her to get away with not doing her job. I talked to him, but that only made things worse. I ended up getting another job and leaving.


Metro Ethernet April 3, 2011 at 6:50 pm

i admite ir, I have have Toxic friends, and is so painful, when you told them something and those girls, tell everybody your secret,…. Thanks god, that I broke up with them


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