Almost there…

by mssinglemama on February 19, 2009

mepreggo.jpgThe first time I thought of leaving my husband I was just 8 weeks pregnant. He was unemployed again and spent his days parked on the couch without a care or worry.

“I’ll get a job when I need to, just stop to talk, half a bag of edamame, half of a mediterranean pizza and half of Benjamin’s chicken nuggets (he made me buy them and then only ate one). I’ve also spent the entire evening scouring through cook books trying to pick new meals to brew up. I just can’t wait to taste something else with my new smoke free taste buds.

I’m just hoping my ass looks somewhat normal by the time this is all said and done. I could stand to gain a few pounds though. I hate being this skinny. It reminds me of the stress. My cheeks are actually supposed to be more fluffy. And I’m skinny because I never find the time to sit down and eat, because I smoke and because I drink way too much coffee. That’s not a healthy skinny. Gaining a few pounds for a properly operating set of lungs seems like a fair trade, especially when it means I may also have the energy to exercise.

And if you re-read my post “A reminder and a secret” it could have been written about cigarettes. Could Cigarette Man have been sent to make me quit? Am I just quiting cigarettes or am I also quitting mysterious bad boy men? Or have I completely lost my mind? That’s entirely possible as well. Really. I feel like a crazy person. Don’t mind me while I continue to take a jog down Nicotine Withdrawal Lane. My symptoms include talking at a quickened pace, letting Benjamin watch a hell of a lot of movies and writing crazy bad blog posts.

If I am boring you to tears please pop over to Kristin at Better Now. She just wrote a fantastic post exploring the want vs. need discussion and the bigger question I ask often, “is a man really worth all of the trouble?” Her vulnerabilities and her strength come through beautifully and I think you’ll all relate to her words… I know I did. Read it here.

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Single Moms Believe
June 11, 2009 at 3:51 pm

{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

Squiggly February 20, 2009 at 2:12 am

Rock on, Alaina. Keep it up – you'll feel so much better and you'll be adding year to your life and life in your years. Not just for you but for Benjamin, too.


amy February 20, 2009 at 2:16 am

When I quit in the past all I wanted to do was sleeeeep…..

You rock! Keep at it!


Janet February 20, 2009 at 2:30 am

Keep up the good work! You haven't lost your mind. Or at least it doesn't appear so. πŸ™‚


Bear February 20, 2009 at 2:52 am

Keep it up. Don't take this the wrong way, but your ass is small potatoes.

You sound like the kind of woman whose son will adore her. Losing you decades ahead of time to a lingering, awful disease… watching as the disease slowly, inevitably claims you? That's not what you want for him.

I don't know if anything can save my mom. But the only way we're going to beat this disease is one person at a time.

I'm not giving up on you. Don't you give up either, goddammit.


mssinglemama February 20, 2009 at 3:11 pm

Thanks Bear. And hang on to your mom while she's still here… please. I lost my dad (a smoker) to cancer in much the same way. Cancer is merciless. One of the most vicious diseases imaginable.

And you're right. For Benjamin – I'm it. I'm the only one he has.


DesperatelySeekingMe February 20, 2009 at 3:11 am

I think it's amazing that you are doing this. I've heard the cigarette addiction compared to heroine addiction before. It's amazing what love for our children can overcome!!


mssinglemama February 20, 2009 at 3:11 pm

Yep. It's that hard. Thank you.


Brit February 20, 2009 at 3:33 am

My mom was perpetually pregnant and/or nursing throughout my childhood (I'm the oldest of 5). She quit smoking for literally years but has gone back to sneaking cigarettes in the garage a few times a day.

The thing is, she just doesn't smell . . . like her. And saddest of all, my baby sister can't even KNOW my mom's real smell. Instead, she's become accustomed to the despite-every-effort-still-impossible-to-eliminate odor of stale cigarette smoke.

I'm not casting stones because I've witnessed firsthand how difficult it is to quit. But knowing how important your son is to me (and how precious my own is) I know you're going to be most successful if you can focus on what you want for him.


mssinglemama February 20, 2009 at 3:11 pm

So sad.


Brit February 20, 2009 at 3:36 am

Haha how important your son is to YOU, obviously. Exit crazy stalker. ; )


April February 20, 2009 at 3:43 am

You are too funny! I too struggle with smoking. I tried Chantix and it gave me CRAZY ASS dreams – don't really recommend it, unless you are up for the movie of the night. For real, the dreams I had were so vivid, you could see one single strand of highlights on someone's head πŸ™‚ Funny – yet sometimes very scary- the nightmares were just as real. Ughh. Just hang in there and stay busy, instead of eating try another hobby that is physical, whether it be, going to the gym, using workout videos, walking with B, or something as simple as knitting to keep your hands busy. A good book works well, just no drama – it'll make you WANT to smoke. Ya know, low stress activities, anything that will get you endorphins going will make you feel great. Identify your stressors and avoid them if possible, and when they do kick in – get active. Clean the house, dance to funk music, anything that will make you feel good. Eating will just be another habit you will have to break and a fat ass isn't pleasant – I know: my ass blends is starting to blend in with my thigh πŸ™‚


mssinglemama February 20, 2009 at 3:12 pm

This made me laugh. Thank you. No need for Chantix though… I'm doing fine so far cold turkey. But I have some patches (just in case).


Canadian Bald Guy February 20, 2009 at 4:24 am

You're doing the right thing. And the motivation…Benjamin having his mom alive longer…should really be all you need to make it through.

Stay strong!!


Karissa February 20, 2009 at 6:41 am


I smoked for fifteen years and hit the three-year smoke-free milestone back in September. I used a tool called, and I still receive monthly emails that tell me how much money I have saved and years of life I have gained.

You can do it!


Shannon February 20, 2009 at 6:46 am

You are doing great! I quit smoking in November … cold turkey the week of Thanksgiving. I am so happy that I did. πŸ™‚ My kids are happy I quit also. I'm not as tired as I used to be, my stomach doesn't hurt like it used to and I sleep so much better.

Just to make you laugh …

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes. ~Author Unknown


mssinglemama February 20, 2009 at 3:13 pm

GO YOU! Yep, have the patches just in case. Never thought of using them that way though. Side note to any idiots: DO NOT do that.


Jim Everson February 20, 2009 at 1:20 pm

Hey Alaina! On behalf of the woman who was getting chemo next to me because of second hand smoke, well done! You can do this! You're not exactly the kind of person I would call a push over and I know you'll end up showing those damn things who the boss is. Keep corralling every resource at your disposal to get through this, regardless if those are donuts, support from friends, periodic outbursts of rage, or a new perfect pair of jeans.

When you are done, you will have accomplished something not very many people can claim. You know why? Because you kick serious @ss!


Lesli February 20, 2009 at 2:11 pm

Keep at it, girl!! I know you can do this and Benjamin will be so happy….think of all the years you're adding to your life! Have a great weekend! : )


elizabeth February 20, 2009 at 3:01 pm

you're doing a great job! hang in there πŸ™‚ love your blog.


mssinglemama February 20, 2009 at 3:13 pm

Thank you! So glad you're here.


singlemomdater February 20, 2009 at 5:38 pm

good for you! it takes guts to do it! you're have passed the worse part! Do it for your kid


Bear February 20, 2009 at 5:38 pm

Checking in.

You can do this.

The cravings may be maddening… but as odd as it sounds, embrace them. That's what nicotine feels like when it's losing to you. Every twinge, every pang, every urge that you feel is giving you months of life, of breathing unhindered, of being with your son. Savor them. That's what they mean.


Tricia February 20, 2009 at 5:42 pm

If I may chime in: Keep it up, you're doing great! Wanted to sahre a tidbit with you about myself: I lost both of my grandparents within five months of eachother to smoking. My Nana (also my best friend) took a nap and never woke up…heart failure. My Papa (another best friend to me) died 5 months later (one month after walking me down the aisle at my wedding and barely being able to do so he was so sick and on oxygen) after suffering each day, hardly being able to breathe…also from heart failure due to smoking. I am so not trying to guilt trip you or make you sad…just want to make you even more aware of just what you would leave behind if you contiued to smoke. I was so lost for so long without them…still am sometimes. Ok, I'm crying now, sorry. Very proud of you and my aunt quit cold turkey 8 years ago and is still going strong and so can you, woot! You will both come out winners in the end of, I heard big booties are in πŸ˜‰


Mama Dharma February 20, 2009 at 8:18 pm

Ha, sounds like you're doing very well, all things considered. The 72 hour mark is MAJOR, as you well know. Usually when I quit smoking, especially if I have been for a while, for a few days I cry at the drop of a hat, sort of like an amped up version of PMS. I'm just one giant raw bundle of nerves. Guess it goes to show how much smoking has worked as an antidepressant for me.

Quitting smoking is a beeeeeeyotch. So damn proud of you mama, you can do this.

Here's to getting some padding on that skinny ass πŸ™‚ You'd look hot at any weight.


30somthing mama February 21, 2009 at 5:22 am

you can do it! iv been smoke-free for 2 years now, the best motivation if living a life longer for your child. That made me do it. Almost near-death experience, i couldn't freaking breathe?!! Then when I caught my breathing back i swore of them next day! Threw a whole pack! And i used to be a chain smoker esp when i drink, which is almost every other day.

I have changed, and you could too! Skin looks better too, believe me! hehe


Missy February 24, 2009 at 4:16 am

Oh, girl…I hear you loud and clear. I also am a smoker, light at times – heavy at others. You are inspiring me to quit and blog about it too!! Good luck to you, oh, and BTW – I Loooove the site make-over πŸ™‚


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