Would you date yourself?

by mssinglemama on February 4, 2009

This is a really, really good question.

One of you posted this comment on my Facebook page and I couldn’t resist bringing it to the table here.mirror Take the children out of the picture. Just look at yourself – would you date you? (This question applies to those of us in relationships as well).

The night I met Mr. Man my mother and I were polishing our faces and choosing outfits in her room – just a few feet away from the bed where my father died, the same bed I had found myself in on a hot summer night in 2006.

My son, just four-months-old, was curled up into my chest wanting to eat but finding no milk. The stress of the day had left me dry, my breasts completely empty.

A few hours earlier I had nestled him into his car seat surrounded by boxes and laundry baskets of stuff, the only stuff I would have at my mother’s house for the next year. The rest – in the U-Haul – would go to storage until I could find a job and an apartment again. Everything I had worked for in life, every object, seemed completely unnecessary. I just wanted freedom and above all, a safe place for Benjamin.

Nothing else mattered.

The tears were impressive that night and so were the immense feelings of fear and shock – wondering, “How in the hell am I going to do this?” I had left it all behind. My job. My apartment. My friends. I had no money. And now, no breast milk.

Somehow I woke up the next morning with hope and some milk, just enough – not much, but just enough – to get by. Gradually the hope grew and so did Benjamin – inch by inch, piece by piece, laugh by laugh. And on this night, nearly three years later I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and smiled.

Sure the baby weight was gone (all 80 lbs of it) but I had also lost the bitter feelings, the regret, the self-loathing, the worry and felt for the first time that I had finally become who I wanted to be – someone I never imagined I would be, a mother, but also a woman who can take just about anything life throws at her and survive.

And then, as I put on my mom’s red leather coat and let the excitement of the impending night out rush over me, I thought – “I’m totally dating myself and this is awesome. I like me. I like myself again.”

I’ll never forget that moment – ever. I had made it.

Now granted, I met Mr. Man a few hours later but unlike in the past I was not vulnerable. And not once did Benjamin feel the sting of a break up, or see mommy “lose it.” Not once.

I did not lose myself.

I am still discovering who I am, as a mother and as a single woman. I learn something new every day – it seems. But I do know that I can safely say that now, yes, I would date myself.

What about you? Would you date yourself? What are the issues you’re trying to beat in this moment?

Related posts:

  1. Date night.
  2. How to date the childless.
  3. How to Date a Single Mom, Part 6
  4. I want to date – but I can’t.
  5. How to Date a Single Mom, Part 2

{ 6 trackbacks }

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November 4, 2012 at 7:53 am

{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }

Christina February 4, 2009 at 8:22 pm

As of the age of about 40, yes :-)

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Kati February 4, 2009 at 8:26 pm

Funny, I have asked myself this question before. To be honest, I don't know if I would date me sometimes and other times I think I am a catch!

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Amy Sue Nathan February 4, 2009 at 8:26 pm

Absolutely! I'd also buy myself a nice gift…flowers perhaps. And I'd know that my favorites are tulips! ;)

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Ms. Single Mama February 4, 2009 at 8:50 pm

Yes… I'm already trying to decide what to buy myself for this Valentine's Day. Coming up isn't it?

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Osolomama February 4, 2009 at 8:36 pm

I would be very hard to date. . .Heck, I am hard to date! But yes, I'd date me because I'm no-drama and I mix wicked drinks.

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SingleParentDad February 4, 2009 at 8:42 pm

Most definitely, I'm right up my street. Might need to grow my hair a bit more, and consider breast augmentation, but, hell yeah.

I've grown to like myself more in adulthood. I think I learnt a lot about myself, and my value, while I was married. And have learnt a whole lot more in widowhood.

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Ms. Single Mama February 4, 2009 at 8:49 pm

Okay, you just made me laugh out loud (for reals). Thank you for that image of you with breasts.

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Zoeyjane February 5, 2009 at 9:21 pm

I'm a little disturbed at the image of SPD with breasts…but he might make a pretty girl.

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littlemansmom February 4, 2009 at 8:47 pm

You betcha! I've worked REALLY hard and you know what…I LIKE ME! It took a while, but I did it, and quite frankly, I just may be a pretty good catch! LOL….So, would I date me…yep, (even though I realize that I 'can' be high maintenance! LOL)

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Serenadragon February 4, 2009 at 9:01 pm

I would totally date myself! I feel like I have rediscovered the strong, confident woman who had been buried under the weight of unmet expectations (his) disappointment (his again) and whose very self had been chipped away by slighting words and contemptuous conduct (Yes, his again) It's been just shy of a year from the day I found out my husband had gotten another woman pregnant. I had one week of trying to convince myself I could fix this & make it work before he told me he wanted to stay & I realised I didn't want him to. Then 4 months of sharing a house with a soulmate turned enemy left me battling not only my own grief, but struggling to support my wonderful kids through theirs. The ex finally moved out at the end of June & I made the decision to start 'dating' but I was bitter & resentful, and saw men as tools to be used. I had no relationships to speak of, only 'maintenance men' but during that time I made one true male friend – J.

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Serenadragon February 4, 2009 at 9:02 pm

Cont'd
It was through spending time with J, having him cook for me, going to a festival or for a walk in the park, introducing him to my children and my family & friends (who love him) that I realised what I was missing and we talked very honestly about our growing affection for one another. We both recognised that we would be a disaster as a couple, there are 'dealbreakers' on both sides, but he made me see that I was ready to have a relationship. Gradually I have let the 'maintenance men' go, I realised that in order to give any potential relationship a fair go I would have to start with a clean slate.
In the last year I have ended a marriage which if I am honest I should have let go of several years before, moved house and got a promotion. I'm now dating a lovely guy & I'm full of hope for the future. This budding relationship may turn out to be a friendship, & that's ok, because I know that when the right one comes along I'll be ready.
Sorry for the super long comment!

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Aprille February 4, 2009 at 9:22 pm

I would date me but I am sure that I would totally take advantage of myself. I am very, very trusting and forgiving. I have had an incredibly hard time in life and have been screwed over big time by every man I have dated but I always bounce back because I realize that every man is different. I don't pull past realtinship issues into my current one. Also, at a mere 26 (w/ 2 little ones, I raise myself) I already have a rather successful career with an incredible future. I've worked hard for everything I have and I appreciate me so it's easy to appreciate others and their success. I know I have room to grow, as every person does but I am pretty happy with who I am and where I am at. Side note : MSM I would like to thank you for taking time to write this blog, you have been an incredible source of comfort during these last few difficult years. Just seeing how strong you were and knowing that I am not the only one (obiviously) made it much easier. Thanks!

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Apples February 4, 2009 at 9:40 pm

Honestly, NO I would not date myself. Yes I am strong, independent, honest and confident but I am a scatter brain and unorganized also among other things. And although you said to take the kids out of the picture, my daughter always comes first. I would rather go to Seaworld with my little one then a nice romantic dinner. I work two jobs (of which one is very spiratic I could be working 35 hours one week and zero the next) and often go months without a true day to myself or to date. I am so not dating material :P Hopefully someday someone will come around that honestly can see what I see as flaws as strong points. I am not holding my breath however I do have faith… Some day….

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wyliekat February 4, 2009 at 9:51 pm

Would I date me? Yes, I think I would. I do enjoy my own company, though I do tend to be impatient with myself. I'm less impatient with others, so maybe I'd be kinder to myself if I were dating me?

Yeesh. I think I went a little too meta in answering that question.

Things I'm currently battling? Better money management, primarily. Not because I'm awful at it, but because there's a middle ground needed. I also have to disassociate my sense of well-being with my ability to spend. These two things should not be tied together in the way they are for me.

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TJack February 4, 2009 at 10:06 pm

Of course I would date myself. I lik e me! As far as issues that I battle, it's a constant struggle not to expect the worst. Even when things are going good, in fact, especially when things start to get good, right when I begin to think, "wow, this could be it." It turns out that she doesn't feel the same way, and it all falls apart. So in times like now, when things are looking really promising, I find myself doubting. I don't doubt when I'm with her, I don't doubt wen I'm on the phone with her, but about the middle of my work day, it creeps in. It will just about make me feel sick sometimes, and for no reason. It's weird.

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Jojosmama February 4, 2009 at 10:10 pm

I'd Totally Date My Self! Im super Fun and Loving… I'm Cute and Cuddley with an Edge…lol

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Penelope February 4, 2009 at 11:16 pm

Yes, I *would* date myself, but honestly, I'd likely get sick of me pretty quickly and dump my sorry ass. ;)

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Sheila February 4, 2009 at 11:21 pm

I'm responsible, a good parent, a hard worker, a good listener, bought a nice car that I'm paying off, funny, and to boot, I clean up pretty darned good … yes, I'd date myself. I think I'm a catch!

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Denise February 5, 2009 at 12:20 am

I would definitely date me. I'm a real catch ;o) Warrior mom to a little guy with Autism who fought for him non-stop til he got the help he needed! I also am funny, sexy, can cook and very smart!

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Heather F February 5, 2009 at 1:42 am

Oh, I can relate to this so strongly! The learning to love myself, the moment that I realized how much I love myself (it hits me every few months- and I think it grows more and more each time), the "nothing else mattered," and the inner peace/stength that comes with knowing that I can handle whatever comes my way.

Great post.

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March Liz February 5, 2009 at 1:58 am

I love this post. I am in the process of trying to rediscover me underneath all the kid stuff and it is hard to find the fun loving up-for-anything person I used to be. Not sure if I would date myself at the moment…while I am super dependable and always thinking of the other person (and of course totally hott after losing all that baby fat and more LOL, I think I would be totally boring right now! Gotta get that mojo back. :)

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mssinglemama February 6, 2009 at 4:51 am

You'll find her. You will. Funny enough, took dating a fun guy for me to find that first piece of myself again. I just needed someone toe make me relax.

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mssinglemama February 6, 2009 at 4:51 am

You'll find her. You will. Funny enough, took dating a fun guy for me to find that first piece of myself again. I just needed someone to make me relax.

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keeshabee February 5, 2009 at 2:28 am

Nope, not right now. I have to get myself together first before I even think of getting back out there. Right now, I'm just concentrating on being the best mom I can be, figuring things out, and take it one day at a time.

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mssinglemama February 6, 2009 at 4:50 am

That's the spirit.

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Canadian Bald Guy February 5, 2009 at 2:38 am

I actually went through a pretty intense low last year…due to many issues that are too numerous to list here. It took me months to truly find myself and actually be HAPPY with who I was as a person.

Once I stopped *trying* to find happiness, whether it be from an online dating website or by doing "biggest loser" competitions at work, and just decided to let things be and simply BE ME, I found the person I've now been happily involved with for almost three months…the person who very well could be the soul mate I've been unable to find in my 36 years.

So yeah…I guess I would date myself. It's taken me a very long time to come to that realization, but it's been an important one.

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mssinglemama February 6, 2009 at 4:50 am

I'm so happy for you two by the way… you should leave that link to your (other) blog. Can you – or is it a secret blog?

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Canadian Bald Guy February 6, 2009 at 10:31 am

Oh no…I wouldn't call it a "secret blog". We're just trying to have the joint-blog as a stand-alone thing so it doesn't necessary tie into ours, which is why we use aliases.

Here's the address: http://thepointismoot.wordpress.com/

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J-Fo February 5, 2009 at 3:20 am

OMG, not only would I date myself, I would shower myself with gifts, flowers, compliments, attention and affection. I'd make me a MIX TAPE. And, let me tell you…the proximity between my house and my house? It would just be outstanding. 2800 miles takes some stamina! :)

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cyndi February 5, 2009 at 4:11 am

Hell yeah I would date myself. I'm independent, caring, stable, funny, don't take life too seriously…. but unfortuanately while that's good enough for me, it apparently scares the piss out of an awful lot of me. Eh… their loss. I'm totally worthy of taking my time this time around and picking one that isn't afraid of a good woman.

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melanie February 5, 2009 at 4:26 am

If you had asked me this question last year, I would have said "absolutely" and the correct answer would have been bsolutely not". It took me a while to get back my "single self" Only this time, I'm doing it better! Yes, this year I believe I am date-ready…

Great question!

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agitg February 5, 2009 at 6:37 am

I would definitely…but then I would probably step back and wonder what the hell did I get myself into? In the end, I think I would see the worth in me to get through all of the baggage and that there was an amazing woman right in front of me who's learning to love herself and therefore ready to love me!

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Katherine SOLOdotMOM February 5, 2009 at 4:12 pm

This is a great question. One I have contemplated myself over the last 5 years more than once. I can remember shortly after leaving my X I went on a conference trip. Met someone there, totally platonic… but interesting and found myself leaving that conference going… you know it was neat meeting people and being myself, truly seeing myself in a new light inspired by what people brought out of me while I was alone… and I get to take myself home with me!

Weird I know, but I remember the wonderful feeling of liking who I was getting to be again…. being more of myself after the liberating act of leaving a bad situation.

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Kgrrrl February 5, 2009 at 4:49 pm

I would only date me if I wasn't me.
I don't want to date anyone like me, personality wise or otherwords. I've learned that I need someone to compliment me, not be me.
But… as a person, yes, I think I rock, lol! I think that I have a ton going for me and a lot to offer and anyone who ends up with me long term is super lucky (even ex's have said this to me…).
I love who I am as a person and I just need someone to fit in the other half.

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Lesli February 5, 2009 at 6:02 pm

Really great piece, Alaina! I wish I time to write more (I'm buried in work) but I hope I can get to that wonderful place you're at–for the sake of my boys and for myself. : )

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Erin February 5, 2009 at 8:58 pm

A year ago, hell no. Today? Absolutely!

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mssinglemama February 6, 2009 at 4:48 am

So cool to feel that way – isn't it? Hindsight is 20-20. Let me tell you, things just keep getting clearer and clearer.

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Zoeyjane February 5, 2009 at 9:19 pm

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't take on someone with as much current drama and stress and I exude. But I'd be interested in being friends…from a potential distance!

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Nina February 5, 2009 at 10:33 pm

hmmm what an interesting question…I think it goes back to the "do you love yourself" post you have. I say yes. I think I'm a pretty fantastic person and have an amazing son.

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mssinglemama February 6, 2009 at 4:48 am

You're right… that post is here by the way – for follow up reading:

http://mssinglemama.com/2008/02/27/do-i-need-ther

Funny how I completely forget what I've written before. My apologies if I repeat myself a lot.

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mssinglemama February 6, 2009 at 4:52 am

Oh my. There are so many of you.

I want to reply to everyone but I just can't. I must sleep. But I love you all so very much. Damn. Wish I could clone myself. Love your response too… this is one of my favorite posts I think because of these comments.

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Missy February 8, 2009 at 4:30 am

If I asked myself this question 1 year ago,I would have said F-no. Now, F-yeah! Great post, something to think about!

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Amber July 4, 2009 at 2:18 am

I would not date myself right now. In no way shape or form am I ready for it. It doesn't mean that I don't yearn for it though. Which makes it harder. Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed this.

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wow March 25, 2010 at 6:37 pm

some how i dont think i would date myself but rather the op.

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Talia June 17, 2014 at 4:27 pm

This is a very good question. A question i should have asked myself long ago. How do i expect to be in a relationship with somebody and expect them to love me if i dont love myself. Would i really date myself? i think i need to think about this question a little longer.

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Quincy October 14, 2014 at 8:51 pm

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