Whispers in the trees (and some sex).

by mssinglemama on January 27, 2009

“You sound stressed,” my friend said over the phone. 

“Yeah, well, I guess I am.” 

Is this getting harder or am I imagining it?

Terrible-twos? Really? I thought it was the threes. He is almost three, but still… I think it’s me. I’m impatient right now. I’m bored and yes, I’m a little stressed. But not because of him. Benjamin is amazing.

“Mommy,” he says, “I need to tell you something.”

It’s a phrase he learned from said Mommy.

Then he cups my face in his little hands and tells me something about his day, his feelings, or the nerf gun I bought him. He’s awesome. It’s totally me. Or is it? I just don’t know because this is the first time I’ve done this mom thing and I’m doing it alone.

There’s no one to bounce all of this shit off of … am I doing this right? Or that? 

And it’s winter. I need sunshine. And it’s not just winter — it’s freezing. Last week the sun came out for one afternoon. Then the clouds rolled back in and we’ve been under them ever since.

I lived in Texas once – in Fort Worth. The sun never faded. When it did, the black storm clouds rolled through and they were gone twenty minutes later. 

Distant storms. You could feel them on the breeze, just a whisper in the trees.

I discovered words like those at live concerts in the hot, Texas air with cowboys every which way and my little sister by my side. We were single and free and so incredibly happy. Then I moved back up North… destiny threw Benjamin’s father in my path and the rest is history. Sun is important, people. Seriously. I’ll find it again. But this time Benjamin will be with me. 

I am also completely preoccupied this week because there’s a little adventure around the corner. 

I’m going on a trip – hopping on a jet plane. I’ll have to tell you where I’m going when I get back.

(Mia is watching Benjamin).

Mia is doing really, really well by the way.

In fact, she’s been so pre-occupied as of late she hasn’t found time to write. I know she’s not completely out of the woods. but she’s made some major progress. Sure, she’ll have false starts and a few seriously dark moments (maybe more than a few). But she’s just keeping on…

With all of you cheering us on it’s hard to feel like anything is impossible. 

I hope you know we’re cheering you on too. Single moms are phenomenal.   

—–

Oh, and I finally wrote about sex. Hope it helps. 

Note: To anyone who knows me in the flesh – DO NOT click that link. [That includes Mom (my mom) and Eliot (my little brother)]. If you do click that link you can never, ever hold it against me or make fun of me for it, because I told you not to. 

The rest of you – you know who you are – don’t click it

Everyone else, hop on over

It could be a huge disappointment – just warning you. I’m just giving advice to those weird married people on how to spice up their sex lives.

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I’m not in the mood! « Just the Way It Is
January 27, 2009 at 8:35 pm

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

SingleParentDad January 27, 2009 at 6:54 am

You are a wonderful mother.

I remember thinking I had snook passed the terrible twos, and then my boy nearly hit three, and I was filled, a little, with doubt. Totally irrational but understandable and at about the same time.

And I feel the winter thing, and perhaps you should listne to one of my favourites, a Daniel Merriweather song. I’ll send you the link.

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Wyliekat January 27, 2009 at 7:19 am

There’s so much grind involved in single parenting – of course it will wear on you. It’s winter, you’re cooped up, the number of activities you can engage him in are limited, you’re tired and overworked and can’t turn to someone else at the end of the day to restore you with a warm hug and a supportive voice.

It’s brutally hard – don’t kid yourself. And that’s allowed.

And FWIW, three has been a much harder age for Rosebud than the twos ever were.

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Laura January 27, 2009 at 9:44 am

Then once they are done with the terrible twos and threes they hit the fiersome fives!

Its a grand affair :)

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T January 27, 2009 at 10:20 am

Just for the record, its cold and yucky in Texas right now too.

I’m glad that you’re able to get another trip in soon. And that Mia is doing well! So glad to hear that! Of course, yes, there will be some times that are still hard for her. She will still grieve but it sounds like she, for the most part, realizes that she still has a life beyond her pain. That is awesome.

You’re doing your best with what you know, Alaina. Just as we all are.

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mssinglemama January 27, 2009 at 12:36 pm

Thank you guys – sorry if this post is a tad depressing.

I’m just sick of winter. But this weekend is going to be AWESOME! So… no worries. I’m one lucky mama b/c I get to escape for a bit.

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bobby January 27, 2009 at 2:20 pm

“There’s no one to bounce all of this shit off of … am I doing this right? Or that?”

By George you have us you know! :)

Good to hear that Mia is doing fine-I never doubt any single Mom!

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J-Fo January 27, 2009 at 3:31 pm

I found 2 1/2 to 3 years to be an extremely challenging read: BRUTAL) parenting stretch…keep in mind…light at the end of that tunnel!! It’s wayyy better now.

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LTP January 27, 2009 at 4:04 pm

Being a parent isn’t easy–esp. if you are doing it on your own, trying to date, live without sex for any given amount of time, make money (not at sex, LOL), and just live….so hang in there. My little one, who is almost 4, is such a completely different child than my older one (7)–and there have been many days and times that have tested my parenting abilities and trust in myself as a mother–but all of the good times outweigh those moments and as long as you remember what an awesome mom you are, everyone will turn out fine!!

Enjoy your trip….though I suspect I know where you’re going….somewhere sunny perhaps??? With a cute and genuinely awesome guy at the end? Just guessing…. ; )

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mssinglemama January 27, 2009 at 4:11 pm

LTP – no comment.

J-Fo – Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone… and yes, Wyliekat, I’m just crossing my fingers for 3-4 b/c I’ve heard it’s the hardest.

T- yep. I was only in Texas for 6 months, never over the winter. Tks for the reminder.

Bobby – how right you are. And after I published this post, I felt a million time better. Thank you SO much for calling me out on that one.

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Canadian Bald Guy January 27, 2009 at 5:23 pm

From everything I’ve read thus far, you are a fantastic mom.

My own Benjamin is two years old and, thus far at least, he’s not really entered into a phase that I’d describe as the “terrible 2′s”. In fact, other than the occassional whine, he’s pretty darned awesome most of the time.

He was colicky for the first three months and I had been told (repeatedly) that children born colicky ended up being the most well-behaved once they got a bit older. At the time I thought they were just all full of it and were trying to console me as I was going insane. But now? I think that just might be the case. Heh.

Oh…and just to echo was Bobby said…I think most of us who blog do it because we want to “bounce shit off of people”, regardless of whether or not they respond. But yeah…your readers are definitely here for you.

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Tricia January 27, 2009 at 6:54 pm

You know, it’s definitely peaks and valleys (no reference to your sex article here!) this motherhood gig. Even more so single. I have been a Mom for ten years now (my kids are 10 and 6) and every season is different. Some are tougher (the twos and threes were for me – especially with my little boy who had boundless energy just like your little Benjamin. I was exhausted just keeping him out of physical danger to himself. Now, the past two years (5 and 6) are so much easier than the toddler years, but the challenges are different. Getting him to do homework for example – he’s a boy and has no difference. My girl (10) was an easy baby. I’ve been paying the price since she hit about eight -she’s full of it and it drives me crazy. Attitude that is.!
Doing it single (and I’ve only been doing it this way 2 years now) is DEFINITELY much harder. Like you say, you have no one to lean on or ask to let you run away for an hour. You have to find a babysitter every time someone stays home (like today – snow day) and every time someone’s sick it’s stressful for you too because you’re torn and can’t rely on someone else to carry the burden.

Just know this too shall pass. You are an amazing mother and writer too. I LOVE your site and have only been coming for a few weeks. Keep honest with your feelings – that’s the trick. I find if I pretend it’s all fine that’s when I get overwhelmed. Find time for yourself if you can (easier said than done). I’m still working on getting out socially more than once or twice a year…!

And, mostly you have youth on your side. You have your whole life ahead of you and this beautiful little boy will be a part of every moment. you will find love again and you will be happy. In the meanwhile, cut yourself a little slack and take a nice hot bath. I empathise because your words described what I so often feel and couldn’t define. Thank you! :)

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Angie January 27, 2009 at 8:12 pm

Oh yeah I love the terrible 2s. Little A’s new phrase is “I’m not in the moooood”, which of course can from me. My brother heard her say that to me the other day and busted out in laughter. Then he said to me, well, you’re getting back what you gave to mom and dad all those years ago. :-)

I know what you are talking about with all this cold weather. My dogs are even sick of being in the house! Hang in there, it’s almost over, I HOPE!

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April January 27, 2009 at 8:15 pm

Parenting isn’t easy at any age and single parenting is NEVER easy. We just have to give it our all, to the best of our ability. We are going to make mistakes and hopefully, learn from them. Every parent questions their skills, abilities, behavior, etc., at some point. Even with two parents, it’s impossible to be a super parent – there is no such thing. The closest thing to being a super-parent is a single parent, flying solo through this journey and having to figure it all out for yourself and your kids. All the while, trying not to loose your identity in the process. We are all showing up for our job everyday, it is more than what I can say about some. So as long as you are showing up for your parenting job, you ARE doing the right thing. Take it easy on yourself, life will beat you up enough.

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PhenomenalMama January 28, 2009 at 5:30 am

You know what I’ve noticed? Usually the people who worry about whether or not they’re a good parent are the ones who have the least to worry about.

It’s the ones who feel like they have it all figured out are the ones who SHOULD be asking more questions….

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Keeshabee January 28, 2009 at 7:10 am

Ahhh. the terrible two’s. So not looking forward to it. I’ve been warned by other moms. Hang in there, before you know it, he’ll be off to school! So enjoy the precious (and the stressful) times :)

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Michael January 28, 2009 at 7:04 pm

I’m voting for the “terrible three’s” too.

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chimwemwe January 29, 2009 at 2:40 am

l love the terrible 2s

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Olga April 1, 2014 at 9:43 am

And I thought I was the sensible one. Thanks for setting me stgharit.

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