Bye, Bye Daddy?

by mssinglemama on January 17, 2009

How can some of us be so tragically blind?

I shudder to think of what that boy’s future holds. Why can’t I save him? Why do women make decisions like this? For men? Really? And the worst thought of all – I brought him here, I led him to her through some kind of twisted fate. And now instead of my son – who I’ve saved – it will be another boy.


Today a building that spans over most of an entire block caught fire in my little neighborhood. We missed the entire thing because we’d just left for an afternoon at grandma’s. Mia was home and she called me right away. The sky was black and ashes were falling on her house.

Tonight we invited my cool neighbors to walk there with us to check it out.

Here’s the alley we walk through every day in the spring, summer and fall… and there’s little Benjamin loving the snow.

It usually leads us to some of our favorite shops and boutiques (and my favorite hair salon) but tonight here’s what we saw.

That ice on the trees is frozen water from the fire hoses. Unbelievable. It was all there, just this morning.


I met his father at a restaurant behind the right fire truck nearly five years ago. Is it a total coincidence the very spot is covered in ash and soot right now? Definitely. But still… there’s some serious symbolism for you. Weird.

The rest of this story can be found in these posts:

{ 4 trackbacks }

There’s a man in my bed.
January 19, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Old Man Winter
January 21, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Father Figure
April 8, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Text from my Ex
December 10, 2009 at 7:42 pm

{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Sarah January 18, 2009 at 7:47 am

Did he ever call you back?

I can’t possibly imagine…


Speedgirl January 18, 2009 at 7:48 am

As much as you want to save the girlfriend’s little boy, you can’t. And it isn’t your responsibility to do so. She seems to believe that she needs a man in her life – in their lives – even if the relationship isn’t a good one. A lot of women feel this way, unfortunately. All you can do is be there for her to lean on when it fails, as you are for all of us other single moms, and try not to say “I told you so”.


melanie @ don't expect much January 18, 2009 at 8:11 am

I agree 100% with Speedgirl… It’s easy for us single moms who are “in the know” about men like him to point and say “wtf are you thinking hanging out with this loser?” but only the strong will walk away… she is obviously not that… I also feel badly for the little boy but your only priority is the son you birthed… Kind of exciting news on the whole Canada thing… I’m looking forward to reading what happens next…


Mama Crazy January 18, 2009 at 9:32 am

I’m definitely with speedgirl on this – you can’t save her. She has to save herself and her son. Who knows, maybe he’ll do a 360 in Canada and be a better person?


mssinglemama January 18, 2009 at 10:16 am

I know I can’t save her or her son. Just wish someone would… but she has to save herself.

Still no phone call. Not expecting one either.


Craftychick101 January 18, 2009 at 1:13 pm

Your a great person for being concerned for them, but there is nothing you can do. Unfortunately she has to learn the hard way, just like you did…


Susan January 18, 2009 at 2:03 pm

Oh, reading your latest made me think about the way I grew up, without my daddy. He left and would visit or pay for me to get on a Greyhound bus (at 10 and all alone) for the 8 hour trip from Roanoke, VA to Baltimore, MD. I swore I would NEVER get divorced, even if it meant I wouldn’t marry and wouldn’t have kids.

Well, I did get married and boy, was I ever in love! We had two kids and then I got divorced. My ex moved on immediately and included our girls in the relationship with his new gf (now wife). I see him treat her the same way he treated me. It’s painful and validating all at the same time. Maybe she doesn’t mind the abuse. It’s hard not to judge. But I try because if I start to judge, i’m bound to him and all I ended up wanting from him was freedom. I have it now…mostly.

I’m sorry your son’s father is moving far away. There will be men in his life, teachers, friends, maybe a stepdad? They will not, of course, replace a father’s love and attention but I think he can still get what he needs.

Best of luck…keep us informed!



April January 18, 2009 at 4:48 pm

Believe me, I know what dead beat dads are all about. I’ve been through the same thing. And, there is always a but.. .
How will this affect Benjamin? I know my kids feel they are different than other kids, because they don’t have a dad in the picture. He bailed, doesn’t even pay child support. He was abusive to all of us, more mentally than physically, but he did have those physical moments as well. I feel so sorry for all these kids with dead beat dads. As hard as it is on us, it is worse for them. Unfortunately, we don’t know how terrible they are until it is too late. It is hard being both parents and not having time for yourself. It is more difficult for these kids, wondering why dad didn’t “want” them. Make sure, very sure, you find out what is going on and I hate to put this thought in your head, but I would be very careful and make sure that he isn’t thinking about taking him across the border. If he isn’t forth coming with you and keeping you in the loop with his plans, I would make sure he isn’t hiding anything, or have access to him (without you around) before his departure. Not to sound paranoid, but this shit happens.


mssinglemama January 18, 2009 at 5:38 pm

April … completely there with you. I am already thinking up excuses to keep him from coming this week.

I’m not paranoid either, but I have to think about everything. it’s totally scary.


April January 18, 2009 at 5:55 pm

These dead beats are so unpredictable. When we think we know all their lows, they surprise us with new ones! My ex would do WHATEVER it took to hurt me, and he wouldn’t think for a second to pull that crap. My only saving grace, he is in the military and would be hung from his balls on the highest tree. 🙂 By the way, for those dads reading this, I don’t think it is only dead beat dads, just in my case, there are plenty of dead beat moms too. Didn’t mean to offend anyone. It is a shame these bastards think only of themselves, instead of giving their child the best possible life, even if mom and dad can’t make it work. Alaina, just hang in there. You have a large support group with great advice, lots of experience, and uplifting comments to help get you through. Maybe, just maybe, your ex will be a better parent from a distance. Like sending cards, phone calls, etc. without all the drama.


cyndi January 18, 2009 at 6:37 pm

She has to make her own choices. Unfortunately you can’t save her from him. But I get it. The thought of my X remarrying makes me sick, not becuase of me, but because of the thought of him doing what he did to me to someone else.

I don’t know whether to say congratulations or I’m sorry if he really is planning on leaving. I just hope he’s man enough to tell you in advance if he does. I know you’ll let us all know when/if he calls back. Hang in there.


Shiona January 18, 2009 at 6:42 pm

Some people must learn things the hard way and then still don’t get the lesson.

As for being blind some just don’t want to see things because at least they have somebody and aren’t alone. What’s so bad about being alone if that’s what happens in the long run anyway. I remember my sis was with this guy. You could totally see form a mile away that he was a loser. But she had put so much time and effort into talking and being his friend she just saw what she wanted to and ultimately got really burned. I just don’t understand it.


Wondermom January 18, 2009 at 7:31 pm

My ex is running around with another single mom too and it kills me. Apparently, she was seeing him while we were still together…WTF kind of mother invites a man into her house around her child who has just lied to his own wife and children about traveling for work? He’s talking about moving in with her…only 300 miles away but considering that most of the time he can’t be bothered to travel 10 miles to visit the kids, that distance is fine with me! I don’t feel bad for her…any woman that will run around with a married man will get what she deserves but I do feel bad for her child. At least my kids have one parent who cares about their best interests…hers apparently doesn’t even have that. But there’s nothing I can do and anything I tried to do would probably only serve to make matters worse for everyone. It is an interesting dilemma though. I hope that whatever happens, things work out the way they are supposed to for Benjamin.


littlemansmom January 18, 2009 at 8:03 pm

Oh angel, as big and wonderful as your heart is, it can’t save everyone…’re doing a pretty great job saving yourself and Ben. As for this ‘other woman’ some people just don’t see with their eyes, they just don’t have a clue….sad really.

Big hugs to you.


Sheila January 19, 2009 at 12:36 am

Is there any way you could talk to her about the situation? I’m curious to know what her story is … why do you think she’s attracted to your ex in the first place?

Well, I’m sending you good thoughts in all of this.


Dawn January 19, 2009 at 6:26 am

I’m still twirling around the deception. Not returning your call. Avoiding a conversation. Keeping you in the dark.

Speak to him with the matter of fact. Are you questioning how you feel about Benjamin visiting with his dad during this time?

Are you unsettled with how future visits will be modified and that there are no agreements that pertain to Benjamin?

People who are not honest with themselves are seldom predictable. Your ex is confused and lacks integrity. Some children grow up with better role models and I’m glad Benjamin has YOU!


Wyliekat January 19, 2009 at 8:06 am

I feel compelled to be honest, here. As much as it would make your life a whole world of easier if B. dad moved back up here, I gotta say I hope he doesn’t go. Because if he stays, Benjamin will have his father (even semi-half assed some of the time), and will be able to form his own opinion of his dad. If daddy leaves, Benjamin will never know.


Dawn January 19, 2009 at 9:33 am

I question what Benjamin has to learn with the example of a man of this nature.


Wyliekat January 19, 2009 at 9:42 am

It’s not about what he can teach Benjamin. It’s the void that’s left when a parent is absent – the void that can be filled with all sorts of things, from daydreaming about hero dad, to depression about not being good enough to compel daddy to stay, to something in the middle.


bobby January 19, 2009 at 1:27 pm

That is kind of weird to have a fire at the same spot that you met his Dad, and with another little boy in his care off to Canada!

My last GF had a little boy who’s Dad was a real screw up (still is), I didn’t let the boy call me Dad either because he had one that would try, from time to time, to be in his life. For the boys sake, neither my GF or I ever thought about moving away.

I raised the little boy with good values and took care of all of his needs. I, or my GF, ever talked badly about his Dad because we knew that when the boy grew up, he would see for himself what his Dad was all about. Guess what? He did.


East Coast Mama January 25, 2009 at 10:43 am

I’m sorry his daddy is moving away. My son’s father lives on the other side of the country, so I believe I know some of the thoughts you must be having concerning the future.

Hang in there….it all ends up the way it’s supposed to.



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