by mssinglemama on January 8, 2009

We have a problem.

Or do we?

Benjamin found my bra this morning and refused to take it off.

In fact, I was late to work because of the mini tantrum that ensued when I told him he couldn’t wear it to school. The bra fascination will be a nice addition to his obsession for my high heels and for wearing his best friend Sydney’s tights.

Now that he is becoming a little boy I’m more aware than ever that there is no man in this house. There are certainly things he’s missing out on… like being carried around on Daddy’s shoulders, trying on Daddy’s shoes or wearing Daddy’s watch.

But that’s fine. Really. The alternative – actually having Daddy around – is far more frightening than his absence.

Yesterday while on a conference call at work – the job that keeps a roof over Benjamin’s head, food in his belly, clothes on his back and will one day pay for his education… the job I can not lose – I got a voicemail from his father.

“I’m not bringing him back,” his voice sounded odd, not threatening but completely heavy and off kilter.

My pulse started racing at a million miles an hour, all while trying to listen to the incredibly important meeting on the phone.

Then I get a text message.

“My car died. I just have a mega break down. I miss my mommy. It’s been five years.”

Again his car his dead – nothing new – but the vision of my son alone with his father in the midst of a mental break down had me in a complete panic. My ex’s mother lives in Canada. His childhood was not a pleasant one – far from it, which explains why he is the way he is – emotionally unavailable and completely devoid of feelings, care or worry for others. It’s quite depressing actually. Until now, he hadn’t mentioned his mother in years.

To say I was freaked out would be an understatement.

I finished the conference call, sent a rushed e-mail to my co-workers and bolted out the door in the midst of a semi-blizzard to make the hour and a half drive to Benjamin. It happens at least once a month, leaving work after his father’s car dies or he bails on one thing or another.

I told him calmly to take Benjamin to my mother’s house. When I got there, at record speed, I found him on the couch still asleep from his nap in Daddy’s car.


I’ve mentioned this before… I know one day Benjamin’s father will leave this country and go home to Montreal, it’s just a matter of when. I have debated the moral question of giving him a little shove – simply wanting to save Benjamin from the pain he’ll feel when his father does leave – thinking that sooner is better than later. But I’ve stopped myself – until now.

Last night was too close, too weird, too scary.

So this morning I called him.

“Do you want to go back to Canada?”

“Yes,” he said calmly, “that’s what I’ve been thinking this week.”

“I just want you to know that you have my blessing to leave. I want you to be happy. And Benjamin will be happier if you are happier. We could come and visit, he could even spend a few weeks with you every summer. It would be better for him if you were happy.”

I went on and on. Sounding too excited, I’m sure. The conversation I’d had in my daydreams was happening. And just as I had envisioned he agreed, without protest.

Then I gave him an extra push.

“I’ll give you money for a plane ticket and a down payment for an apartment.”



“We’ll talk later,” he said.

Now I’m waiting.

This could either get brushed under the rug or in a week I’ll find him on my front porch asking for a plane ticket or a bus fare.

It could be over. Finally. The worry, the angst I feel when he has Benjamin. My gut has been screaming for so long and now I’m trying to listen… and you know what? It feels right. I know I am doing the right thing.

And it’s true, my ex does not belong here – he should be home, in his culture, with his family and friends. He would be happier and so would we. This could be for the best.

Let’s just hope he doesn’t completely forget the little English he’s learned if he did go back. That could be interesting.

{ 3 trackbacks }

January 13, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Bye, Bye Daddy?
January 17, 2009 at 11:28 pm
The Easter Man
April 12, 2009 at 6:18 pm

{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }

Bad Mummy January 8, 2009 at 8:12 pm

You, on the other hand, only need to know these words:

Au revoir, petit merde…

Keep in mind you’ll also end up funding all those visits Benjamin makes. Is that in the budget?

How much would you worry if you got the same sort of call and couldn’t hop into your car to pick up B? If you needed to get on a plane and cross the border and negotiate the return of your son in your ex’s home country?


Heather January 8, 2009 at 8:21 pm

As long as Ben has some sort of man in his life that he has the opportunity to build a relationship with, or at least spend time with, I’m sure he’ll be just fine. (A relative, childcare provider, neighbor, favorite barista, whatever…)

My neighbor’s little boy, who has both Mommy and Daddy at home, wears dresses and calls his underwear “panties.”

I can relate to what you’re struggling with in Benjamin’s relationship with his father. I’ve been dealing with that internal battle for a while, although on a different scale, but it’s the same thing at the heart of the matter.

I’ve taken the first steps to remove the little one’s father from her life. I thought it would happen in time (I still think it would have…) but I realized that he’s definitely doing more harm than good in her life at this point. It was hard, but it was the right thing. I see that now, and you obviously do also.

Good luck. The seas of single motherhood aren’t always easy to navigate.


Angie May 6, 2009 at 3:49 am

awww, poor baby. the seas of single motherhood aren't easy to navigate. sniffle sniffle. and removing your child's father from her life will do her wonders! Way to go, Heather! Rock on!


Savored Life January 8, 2009 at 8:22 pm

Ummmm…can I “shove” Dr. D into his luggage should this daydream become reality? 😀 (ooops…did I say that out loud?)


jenn January 8, 2009 at 8:32 pm

I can definitely understand why you would want to push him toward leaving. There are situations where this is the safest for everyone. I’ll be curious to see what happens.


mssinglemama January 8, 2009 at 8:41 pm

Bad Mummy – really, really good point. I would be making the visits with Benjamin… spending weeks alone with him there wouldn’t come until he had a cell phone and knew how to hop on the subway and catch a flight home.


T January 8, 2009 at 8:49 pm

Wow. I’d still be worried with Benjamin staying with him in Canada. From the way you describe him, he sounds a little unstable.

If it makes you happy, then go for it. Trust your gut!


lilcyndiluwho January 8, 2009 at 9:05 pm

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished X would go back to Croatia for good. He’s there right now and more than a little part of me hopes something will happen to prevent him from coming back. And then I feel like shit for thinking these things because the N-man doesn’t know who his father truly is yet so he loves him dearly and him leaving would hurt him. But…

On a different note, I often wonder… at what point to I need to stop letting him cling to the side of the bathtub and watch me while I’m showering, evict him the room, and lock the door until I’m dressed?


mssinglemama January 8, 2009 at 9:06 pm

And in reality you guys —

If this did happen. I don’t think we’d be hearing much from him again. So the visits may be few and very far between. Again, couldn’t leave him alone there if I wanted to because Benjamin wouldn’t be able to fly alone.


Wondermom January 8, 2009 at 9:45 pm

Don’t worry too much about the bra thing…Squirt’s the same way and he was even when his dad was living in the house. He loves wearing my bras, called his underwear “panties”, drapes a blanket around his shoulders and dances around the house singing that he’s a beautiful princess, and insists on carrying a purse. Oh and he calls his chapstick lipstick and insists that it’s makeup. I certainly hope it’s normal because if it’s not, I’m in more trouble than you are!

As for the ex, I would be torn. I was really excited when it looked like mine would be moving 400 miles away but I would be really nervous about it being international. On one hand, you’re probably right that the visits would be few and far between and he would eventually disappear altogether which would probably be for the best, but I wouldn’t be able to get the “What if?” out of my mind. I mean, if he did something completely stupid and unexpected, it wouldn’t be the first time, right? Even aside from the distance and with the assurance that you’d be accompanying Benjamin on the visits, I’d be nervous about the legalities of an international dispute if one arose. I think if I were in your shoes, I’d find a damn good lawyer with experience in cases like this (probably easier said than done but there have to be some out there) and try to get a consult to find out what things you should be considering at this point. And then I’d keep him on speed dial just in case anything ever comes up. It probably won’t but luck favors the prepared, right?


Dawn January 8, 2009 at 9:53 pm

I tried crossing the border with an apple pie once.Interesting story, but not more interesting than this development.

Consider this scenario. Do nothing. Rescind the offer. Let him know you’d like to think that one over again. He doesn’t have a clue to his destination. He is in no position to negotiate.

Don’t bail him out thinking it will bring you or Benjamin any real peace of mind. The lasting happiness of this story happens when your ex becomes a man.

That’s just my take from this limited view.


Dawn January 8, 2009 at 9:59 pm

Oh, and this other nice memory came bubbling up. My son Joe was three or four when he asked Santa for a baby doll and a Barbie. He got them of course.


MommaMac January 8, 2009 at 10:08 pm

My Ex is out of the picture, in distance, but that still doesn’t stop the problems. His rude intrusions into our lives and his having his family make our lives problematic.

There are pluses. I have control everyday about where my children will be, what they will do. He’s not allowed to see them and my daughter’s thrive and have ceased (for the most part) asking about their father. In that respect it’s great.

But there are other ways a long distance father can intrude in your lives. Whether yours will or not that is completely different from my situation. But don’t break the bank giving him that shove. Although yes, the sooner the better. I am amazed by how resilient children are!



April January 8, 2009 at 10:32 pm

This reminded of a saying my grandmother used “be careful what you wish for”. I am a single parent in every sense. When my ex was involved it was always scary, unstable, and worrisome. I completely understand how YOU feel but, how does B feel? If he loves him, feels safe with him, and wants to be with him, don’t push him out. Unfortunately, he is part of his DNA, and he will always be asking YOU why dad isn’t around. You know in your heart what is right, do what is right. But B will always be asking YOU for the answer’s. It is so damn difficult with a S.O.B. for an ex.


The Dumbest Smart Girl You Know January 9, 2009 at 12:10 am

Oh, I wish I could give my ex a good shove!

All joking aside, though…I can only imagine how anxious you must be every time Benjamin is with him…and what a relief it would be to have him far away. I hope it works out for you guys.

Side note: Rex wears my bras on the regular. He uses the cups as pockets for his toys. I mean, they’re MANLY toys, like dinosaurs and cars…so it’s okay, right?


Going, going, gone March 7, 2009 at 1:15 pm

I wish I could give my ex a good shove, too, out in front of an on-coming bus. Of course I never would. That would just be wrong. He just informed us he is moving in with he girlfriend and couldn't even promise our daughter that she would have a bed in their new house. She told me she would have to sleep on the floor in the basement. Mind you the basement is finished and she would be sharing a room with his girlfriends daughter but I mean, come on, tell her she's gonna have a bed. I had to promise her myself that if daddy couldn't get her a bed I would buy one for her. Idiot.


mssinglemama January 9, 2009 at 6:02 am

Not to beat a dead horse…

but if you all read this post you’ll see that his father will leave on his own fruition someday.


And remember, he’s the one who wants to go back right now. I’m just offering him a plane ticket to speed up the process so my son isn’t hurt even more so.

He is just shy of three… this will be much easier now than when he is five or six. I’m not telling him to leave – he wants to leave, I’m helping him make it possible. A father who doesn’t even want to be here is not a good one to have around, trust me.


mssinglemama January 9, 2009 at 6:07 am

Can anyone answer Cyndi Lu’s question:

“On a different note, I often wonder… at what point to I need to stop letting him cling to the side of the bathtub and watch me while I’m showering, evict him the room, and lock the door until I’m dressed”

Not me – no idea, he’s still so little I hadn’t even thought about this. Benjamin doesn’t see me in the buff very often. I guess I’m just not naked that often and he stays out of the bathroom when I’m showering.


single mommy January 9, 2009 at 6:29 am

I recently found your blog and love it! I’ve been reading up on all of your old posts!

My little boy LOVES purses, necklaces, and anything pink. He hasn’t discovered my bra yet, but I’m sure that it’s coming.

Good luck with your ex situation!


SingleParentDad January 9, 2009 at 6:44 am

Benjamin being interested in bras is marvellous. A very good thing. All MEN are obsessed with them, he’s just starting to figure out how they work.

I think you’ll be wise to be envolved in your ex-husband’s decision to return to Canada. I’m all for openess and honesty, to the point that all the observations you make are positive ones. Positive for him, Benjamin, and you.

Hope it all works out for everyone.


debra January 9, 2009 at 7:03 am

to Cyndi Lu’s question….you’ll just get a sense for when it starts to feel like you should be a little more private. My son is now 7, and if I remember correctly our “privacy” policy started around 4 maybe? He just started to seem aware and interested and it seemed like the time. That is the word we use too – “privacy”. He is encouraged to close the door when he uses the rest room, and I do the same when getting out of the shower or when dressing. I never made it a big deal, or an issue, just that people, both boys and girls, should have privacy. The same concept helped when we had to have discussions about good touch and bad touch and other adults who are not parents and all that fun safety stuff. The idea of privacy was already there. Every person is responsible for, and entitled to, their own privacy.


~Kris~ January 9, 2009 at 7:27 am

As a mother you MUST follow your gut and listen to that motherly instinct. It is real!


waiting January 9, 2009 at 7:37 am

I know what its like to realize the absence of the “father” figure, my sons father wants nothing to do with so much that he is TRYING to sign over his rights. Breaks my heart. His mother wants him to have a relationship with him, my same worry is the pain it will be for my little boy.


Ann January 9, 2009 at 8:11 am

Hey girl! I found your blog through Matt’s blog. And I can totally relate to this post in some way. Me and my boys’ father were together for a couple years and it simply did not work. It was TOXIC. Three years ago, I finally moved 12 hours away. Although I encouraged him to keep in touch. Phone call on birthdays were all I got. Then the calls stopped coming.

Last August, after nearly a year of no contact, I got a message on Myspace telling me he thinks of of boys, have them call me, and blah blah blah. Mind you, I’ve moved on. My kids do not remember their father. What was I to do?

So I did what I thought was best, I told him the kids were doing really well, and they are very happy. It would not be good for you to pop up out of nowhere. And I have not heard from him since.

I have yet to delete him of my Myspace. Should I?


Laura January 9, 2009 at 8:31 am

Push on Lady…encourage him to go.

He may say that he wants to see his son but truth be told “Out of sight Out of mind”.

My ex lives less than 10 miles away but makes no effort to contact his sons!

And just as Kris stated you have to follow you gut instinct.


Laura January 9, 2009 at 8:37 am

ohhh and one more thing…don’t worry about his interest in the girly stuff…both of my boys were fascinated by tampons, underwear, maxi pads etc. They now deny that they ever played with such items and get embarrassed when I tease them about it. 🙂


Lisa D January 9, 2009 at 8:37 am

I have no words of wisdom since I do not have children of my own, but from my childless-perspective, I say this is a good thing. From your Christmas entry where Benjamin didn’t eat while he was there OR take a nap, it sounds like this guy isn’t capable of giving Benjamin what he needs. Better to put some distance between yourselves…

I hope everything works out for you guys. I will keep you & Benjamin in my prayers.


C January 9, 2009 at 8:44 am

Wow. I just found your blog through Matt L. I have to say that I have been wishing and waiting for a moment like that as well. I have had a couple opportunities but they are always swept under the rug and forgotten. I think it will actually be me that will have to leave for grad school and I know that it will just make me the “bad guy” for taking them somewhere far away from their extended family.
Also, I would have FREAKED if I had gotten a message like that!! I have scenarios play in my head 5 minutes before they’re supposed to be home of him taking the girls and never coming back. It scares me to my core and I pace. But a lot of the time he drops them off well before I even expected them. I guess I prefer him “unloading” them early rather than being an attentive dad and keeping them their full amount of time. I have less worries then. Does that make me controlling? Possibly…


Laura January 9, 2009 at 8:46 am

I wish I had money to send mine on his merry way somewhere!!!

I do agree though that if he is happier Ben will be happier! I do really hope it works out for you all!!!


Dawn January 9, 2009 at 8:51 am

Negligent parents don’t belong in their children’s lives. A parent who moves to a faraway destination still maintains legal rights. Legal moves on your part may be a real option.


shani January 9, 2009 at 9:05 am

Wow! I have had such similar circumstances. My ex was not emotionally scarred but he did somewhat abandon the kids when he remarried and moved to Alaska, which isnt a far cry from Canada.
They are teens now, I have raised them, and even though I have only one boy, (who at times tried on his sisters and my clothes) he is in the Army now and certainly a man in his own rights. But he knows how to respect both women and men now. and like you, honestly, it was better that my kids were not around thier detached father any more than they were. They still love him dearly, he is thier father. However they know his ‘true colors’. I have not put him down, with them around, and they have been able to make thier own opinions. Hang in their and i wish the best for both you and Benjamin.


Katherine (SOLO dot MOM) January 9, 2009 at 9:13 am

WOW… I’m glad you are starting to feel some sense of direction for all this… with him. Hope it turns out for the best on all accounts. Do keep us posted on him taking you up on your offer … and how generous of you btw!

Thanks for sharing.


mssinglemama January 9, 2009 at 9:39 am

Laura – I wish I could win the lottery and send all of the lousy fathers away.

The cost of doing this would be far less than the long term consequences. In this situation, money is not a concern.

And yes, if he left and fell behind in his child support he would be a wanted man here – unable to even come home. This is why it’s such a heavy decision – even for him.

thanks everyone for your kind words.


MySingleMomLife (Nikki) January 9, 2009 at 10:14 am

Bless you and all the mamas that have to deal with baby daddy’s with fear and trembling and bucket loads of frustration. I’m fortunate at the moment not to have to worry about any toxic behaviors seeping into the bloodstream of my sweet babe because he’s pretty vacant. But this may not always be the case.

Hugs and best wishes.


O Solo Mama January 9, 2009 at 11:26 am

You know, I could see myself doing that too–offering the money for the ticket and the apartment. Unfortunately, I’ve learned through the years that my schemes–strategic and even brilliant to mine own eyes–tend to backfire big-time. Call it the big M for manipulation. Essentially, it amounts to paying someone to get outa your life, whereas I’m thinking the break is likely to be more secure if he comes to it himself or you simply call him on all the neurotic and unsafe behaviour and take legal steps to change the arrangement. Oooh, I can just imagine your heart pounding in your chest as he called with that message.


mssinglemama January 9, 2009 at 12:12 pm

I hear you O Solo Mama – but he is coming to this himself.

I know my ex. And I know when I say, “Do you want to move to Canada?” and he says “yes” that he’s been thinking about it for longer than a week.

Trust me. This will be okay. And besides, it’s probably not going to happen anyway.

This entire thing just sucks to even think about.


O Solo Mama January 9, 2009 at 1:18 pm

Ah, I hope he comes to this himself and takes action. In any case, you would have the wisdom to make the pre-emptive strike if you have to.


pisceshanna January 9, 2009 at 1:31 pm

I’m so torn on this, because deep down I’m jealous. The thought of Rooferman disapearing into oblivion is so demonically delicious, I can barely stand it. I also have the “if he’s going to do it anyway, the sooner the better.”

My daughter never asked for her daddy before I all this court stuff happened. He was gone and we were fine. Would it have been like this forever? probably not. Unfortuntely I only have 2 years old single mom experience and I have no clue whether my daughter will benefit or suffer from her dad’s presence in the future.

I worry about the whole “bath” thing too. My daughter asks me to take a bath with her sometimes, and its fun to wash our hair together and play boats, but part of me is uneasy, especially after hearing so many horror stories about ex’s accusing each other of child abuse during court cases. Another thing married couples don’t have to worry about.


Shiona January 9, 2009 at 4:06 pm

Gosh what a scary situation. Hopefully he will come to the conclusion that will make him happy. Some people need a little push (and/or an incentive) My ex is the same. My son is still so young I don’t know how his father will be. I am trying to make it so he’s there. But a big part of me will still be so worried when he’s with his dad until he grows up and takes some responsibility…

I hope everything works out for the best.


Leah January 9, 2009 at 9:35 pm

This post really tugs at my heart strings, especially with the emotional return of my ex after 10 months of peaceful absence (he lives 30 min away).

You sound like you are following your heart and doing what you think is best for your little one, who needs your protection and good judgment. Whatever unfolds will all be for the best.

My son at 2, completely forgot his father (as far as I could tell) after about 2 months, which was heartbreaking for me, but gives you a sense of the memory span at this age. Sending hugs and well wishes to you.


Dawn January 10, 2009 at 10:26 am

First..at least he knows where to wear it..Sunrise wears mine on her head! LOL

Second..I can totally understand where you are coming from. I don’t know what I would do if Sunrise’s father was in her life. I am sure it is so hard.

Good luck and hugs with whatever happens.

Finally…DANGIT..We REALLY need to get together.


Treemama January 10, 2009 at 8:38 pm

So glad you and Benjamin got back safe. You rock mama.

My ex is slowly eeking out of the picture and I too only wish he would disappear all together.

It would be easier for the girls rather then this back and forth, I’m here now I’m not crap.

At least until they get older and we have to pay their therapy bills so they can figure out why their Dad’s didn’t love them enough.

Oh and the bra thing….hilarious. Wouldn’t worry too much. He’ll be well-rounded and the girls will love him!


A January 11, 2009 at 5:18 pm

hey well if it feels right, it’s right. just follow your instincts. a half ass dad or a shitty dad is worse than no dad. my 2 cents.


movin' down the road January 11, 2009 at 6:26 pm

I think you could arrange that the father has to come back to the country for his visits, at this young age of Benjamin. Legally, that is a sound possibility. You are not responsible for funding that, if he chooses to leave the country, he funds his visits if he wants them.


Dawn January 11, 2009 at 7:09 pm

The decision of one parent leaving the country, brings to light the importance of modifications to visitation in your decree. The modification will require him to prove a physical address. Hopefully a home of his own and not a shack up with his mother or temporary ‘other.’ (Just a precaution) His future visitations with Benjamin need to be safe guarded … he still maintains rights. Marginalize him accordingly.


Anna January 11, 2009 at 11:32 pm

Assuming he really does leave the country (with your financial assistance or not), I would ask the courts that all visitation with Benjamin happen here in the US. At least until he’s old enough to pick up a phone and call you if he’s not alright…


PT-LawMom January 12, 2009 at 9:28 pm

Ha! Totally off-topic but we have the same bra. 😉

Hope your ex-husband gets it together. Mine keeps leaving the country and then returning. It’s driving me nuts. (((HUGS)))


Adam D January 13, 2009 at 11:00 am

I know that your intentions are to protect your son,but instead of focusing on all the negetive qualities of your ex,why not try to educate him on how to love your son.He seems to have his life all screwed up,ie..half ass job,stripper girlfriend,unreliable car,an ex wife who is shining and doing all the right things.Seems to me that no matter what he does or doesn’t do,he feels like he isn’t good enough to be a dad.Instead of paying for his departure I would see if there was anything that I could do to help him become a better father.He is lost and doesn’t know what to do,hence running back to mommy.How was his life growing up?You can protect Benjamin for the rest of his life by trying to understand his father and work with him to help improve his relationship with B.Let Benjamin decide when he is older if he doesn’t want his dad around.Love is a choice and sometimes people don’t know how to love.
I am a single father and I love my kids dearly,yet sometimes I don’t know how to communicate that to them.We all have different love languages,we just need to figure out what that language is and communicate it.Thanks for listening. Adam in Washington


Dawn January 13, 2009 at 11:51 am

For both men and women, parenting is in our nature. Or it’s not.

I think we all agree on this point. Maybe more.

A motivation and a willingness are a necessary component of becoming a student of any class.

The teachers that provide an education for our children are seldom in charge of driving the school bus, nor do they hold a key to their students homes to remind them to get to class. Imagine if the student just layed there in bed, wouldn’t budge. Holding up a classroom of students you have to teach everyday for the rest of your life. But the student won’t budge. Dead weight … theirs a bus load of children to get back too.

This student illustrates negative qualities. Right? Not bad, he was born into this world just as innocent as the rest of us. We’re just looking at things for what they are. Beyond the concept of good and bad. All of us attending the class, know that it’s true: Before babies learn how to speak they read our actions.Children are born fine tuned. They know us as parents this way. .

So this student doesn’t want to go to class. Which may not be a bad thing. It’s clear that he’s not going to be riding in the bus today. Perhaps this class is too exacting on this student. Actions show all clues. I hope he wakes up on time. Before the bus leaves.

We’re all students of this same thing. That’s what we have in common.


mssinglemama January 13, 2009 at 6:18 pm

Adam – I hear you. Believe me. I always focus on the positive points and am constantly complimenting on my ex on what he does right. But if I ever try to talk to him about anything (and it’s been nearly three years) regarding Benjamin he doesn’t listen. If you knew me and saw how patient I am with him you’d be so proud.

To Dawn’s point – he definitely just doesn’t want to go to class. Some days he does, some he doesn’t and as a mother that’s a very frightening thought.

Thanks to everyone for your well wishes.

He’s a no show this week by the way – because he’s buying a new car. So, for now – it looks like he’s staying. Another update to come soon I’m sure.


Nydia January 22, 2009 at 12:23 am

My goodness! I do not envy your situation w/ your ex …

The baby in the bra …. Priceless!

I thought my boy parading around in my shoes was bad but this … this totally trumps it … I love the mini-tantrum that was caused by you not letting him wear it to school LOL … I just love that!


Laurie March 17, 2009 at 4:21 am

You know, I read your post and the first thing I thought was, "This man is a lunatic". There is something about him that just feels "wrong", even though I've only read a few words about him. It may not be his fault, but it also isn't your responsibility to fix him, as some have suggested. There is only so much you can do for another person. It's far better to expend your energy on emotionally healthy pursuits then emotional dead ends.

I feel your husband in Canada would be a far better solution. I've only begun to read your blog this evening, sort of skipped around, but I understand your point. Yes, children are resilient. But they also benefit heavily from healthy, happy environments. They are emotional barometers and there is no way he would not pick up your stress about the uncertainties with Dad living so close. Your child's safety and welfare in all areas are of paramount importance and your ex's needs pale in comparison. It's a no contest situation in my opinion.

Were it me, I would feel intense emotional relief to have him gone.


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