Mia’s Story, Part I

by mssinglemama on January 6, 2009

One thing about a divorce or separation is the division of everything in the house.

Some things go. Some stay. Unlike the broken pieces of our hearts and souls… we can control our environment.

Undoubtedly one of the best ways to heal is to change things up. Paint. Decorate. Anything to get out with the old and in with the new. Mia has done a fantastic job of re-decorating her place already – next comes the paint – that will be our project this weekend.

In honor of Mia’s bare walls (I know you must have some too) I’m giving away two 18×24 poster prints courtesy of OnlinePosterPrinting.com.

Pretty cool.

I’m ordering a print of this picture (thanks Morgan).

Far from Mia’s mind right now but certainly in her future lies the idea of actually getting back out there into the dating pool and ultimately sleeping with another man.

I don’t talk about sex much on this blog – for a reason – it’s just too personal and it’s a different experience for each of us. So in lieu of my inability to offer you detailed advice on taking that plunge – I’m going to give away five copies of Getting Naked Again by Judith Sills.

Here’s the book’s plug:

In Getting Naked Again, clinical psychologist and New York Times bestselling author Judith Sills, PhD, leads readers through each stage of the process, offering sophisticated advice and sharing insightful stories about women like you, who have experienced relationship loss and are successfully pursuing new romance. In this book, Sills offers a frank, funny, and unusually savvy look at midlife dating- including smart sexual strategies, predictable new relationship patterns, financial maneuvering, and interpersonal finesse. Be prepared: This is not your daughter’s dating guide.

I haven’t read it yet, not sure if I even need too… think I crossed that hurdle quite a while ago. But I know for many of you, it would probably be much needed since you’re new to single motherhood.

To enter:

Leave a comment. That’s it.

Deadline:

Wednesday January 14, 2009 at Midnight.

I’ll draw 7 random winners. Good luck! And I’m one step closer to giving each and every one of you a prize of some kind for reading… love giving shit away.
One thing about a divorce or separation is the division of everything in the house.

Some things go. Some stay. Unlike the broken pieces of our hearts and souls… we can control our environment.

Undoubtedly one of the best ways to heal is to change things up. Paint. Decorate. Anything to get out with the old and in with the new. Mia has done a fantastic job of re-decorating her place already – next comes the paint – that will be our project this weekend.

In honor of Mia’s bare walls (I know you must have some too) I’m giving away two 18×24 poster prints courtesy of OnlinePosterPrinting.com.

Pretty cool.

I’m ordering a print of this picture (thanks Morgan).

Far from Mia’s mind right now but certainly in her future lies the idea of actually getting back out there into the dating pool and ultimately sleeping with another man.

I don’t talk about sex much on this blog – for a reason – it’s just too personal and it’s a different experience for each of us. So in lieu of my inability to offer you detailed advice on taking that plunge – I’m going to give away five copies of Getting Naked Again by Judith Sills.

Here’s the book’s plug:

In Getting Naked Again, clinical psychologist and New York Times bestselling author Judith Sills, PhD, leads readers through each stage of the process, offering sophisticated advice and sharing insightful stories about women like you, who have experienced relationship loss and are successfully pursuing new romance. In this book, Sills offers a frank, funny, and unusually savvy look at midlife dating- including smart sexual strategies, predictable new relationship patterns, financial maneuvering, and interpersonal finesse. Be prepared: This is not your daughter’s dating guide.

I haven’t read it yet, not sure if I even need too… think I crossed that hurdle quite a while ago. But I know for many of you, it would probably be much needed since you’re new to single motherhood.

To enter:

Leave a comment. That’s it.

Deadline:

Wednesday January 14, 2009 at Midnight.

I’ll draw 7 random winners. Good luck! And I’m one step closer to giving each and every one of you a prize of some kind for reading… love giving shit away.

My blog is her blog.

And until she starts her own (which I think she may) Mia will be posting her story here.

As most of you know my best friend Mia just found out four weeks ago that her boyfriend of 6 years and the father of her daughter is leaving. Two weeks later she discovered that the catalyst is an affair with another woman.

Your comments – this picture is of her reading them intently – have helped her more than you know.

Night 1:

He is gone.

My house is empty.

Literally.

No Couch, no clothes in his closet, just gone.

There was no big talk, no special ceremony, nothing to mark his leaving. Just an awkward hug and a goodbye. And then he left. And I stayed. With an empty heart I rocked Sydney in my arms in the middle of an empty room. I rocked her and she cried, and I cried, and she watched me cry and it made her cry harder.

Until recently she thought grown-ups only acted like they were crying when they played pretend with her. She said she was crying because she wanted her daddy to make magnets with her before he went – a gift she got from Santa.

But I knew she just wanted him, and I felt for the first time that I may not be enough.

I have already called him twice, ashamed of my need to hear his voice, hoping there would be sadness in it. But I’ll go to bed and the lack of response from him will make me feel left over and over again – twice tonight and a million times to come.

I know it is partly (mostly) my ego that causes me to obsess about her and wonder if he is with her. I don’t feel he deserves to have someone to help shoulder the pain of this and it makes me jealous, and that makes me feel weak.

But I am not weak, I am here and he’s not and I will rock myself and my daughter to sleep and be thankful we have each other. And she will come to know the weak man that I have lived with for years and made excuses for to everyone in my life– maybe not tonight but someday.

Morning 1:

First night accomplished but not without it’s hardships. Sydney woke up screaming a couple of hours ago having a nightmare that I was “leaving her”. I brought her in to my bed and we snuggled.

I can do this… I am finding my backbone.

—–

In honor or Mia’s backbone…

A Contest for Fresh Starts.

Apparently more people want me to give away their stuff… and you know how much I love giving stuff away. Coincidentally the prizes are all about new beginnings for single moms.

So after you leave a comment for Mia check out my Fresh Start Contest (it’s a good one).

{ 3 trackbacks }

Shadows & Light
February 1, 2009 at 9:43 pm
A Letter To the “Other Woman”:
February 12, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Mia’s Story Part III
February 12, 2009 at 6:17 pm

{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }

web_M8 January 6, 2009 at 7:10 pm

I very much feel for her! My wife left me after 20 years! Left me with a 12 yr old son and 14 yr old daughter. Said she didn’t want to be a wife or mother anymore! She said she just wanted to party.

It will be tough, Mia. Lots of tears. But you have to hang in there for your daughter! I promised my kids that I would always be there for them. They need that.

You need your time alone, also. Go ahead and grieve. That’s natural. It hurts, I know. Remember: set it free, if it loves you, it will return. If not, it wasn’t meant to be. GOOD LUCK!!!

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Missy January 6, 2009 at 7:13 pm

Mia-I felt every word you wrote. I am coming up on my one year without him. He left me and my 2 year little girl alone for another woman, to which he still denies today.

It tears me up inside knowing that you have to endure this pain and heartache, but I am here today to tell you that it does get better. The only thing that makes it better is time and the love you have for your child. You have to wake up every day and go to work, brush your teeth and kiss your baby (a lot). Call your friends, call your family, watch a lot of Dora, whatever you need to do to keep your mind off it all. Even though you probably want to rip the other woman’s eyeballs out, you have to keep your wits. She doesn’t care about you or your child. He may be telling her lies about you and your personality and rationalizing his actions to her. It will only make things worse; and you are better than that. I don’t know you, but you are better than her, I promise.

Good luck to you and I hope my words touch you in some way…I will keep you in my thoughts.

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Lani January 6, 2009 at 7:25 pm

That totally sucks, honey.

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Carolyn G January 6, 2009 at 7:34 pm

Hang in there

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Dawn January 6, 2009 at 7:42 pm

Scrub the floors like your getting ready for a party. No, I’m not kidding. Dust the ceiling fans, clean the toilet bowl, buy fresh flowers … bake fresh bread. (I’ll send you the bread machine for free if it’s not your science)

Now you are the President. You say what comes and what goes and what is not negotiable. Wake up knowing this tomorrow … this is you.

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lilcyndiluwho January 6, 2009 at 7:59 pm

Oh, Mia. You survived night one, the hardest one. Go to the store buy some new paint, turn your place into a girls pad for two with Sydney and make it your own. It does slowly get better from here. I’m just so sorry you’re going through this.

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Sara January 6, 2009 at 8:09 pm

I think you’re amazing and handling this so well, I also know how it is to be left unexpectedly. It makes me so angry at him at her, how could they?! I know you’ve heard it a million times, but it does get easier. My constant heartache comes from my kids not having their father, and I’m not sure if that ever really goes away. People do selfish, hurtful things, without much thought to how it affects even the most important people in their life. The best advice I can give, is stay BUSY. Don’t feel bad that you call him, for one it shows you’re human, and two he shouldn’t just get to walk away free and clear, I mean why make it easy for him?! I think it’s great that you’re sharing your story, when you look back even a few months from now, you will be amazed at how far you’ve come.

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Tricia January 6, 2009 at 8:13 pm

I think one of the best things about my ex having left for her is that now I have a vacant spot in my bed for someone who truly knows how to love me…my sons. Mostly my 11-year-old…although I don’t let on, I love having him snuggle up with me for a late-night movie on the weekends just as much as he does, and even during the week, he has his alarm set thirty minutes before mine so he can come climb in bed next to me for a few more minutes of z’s together.

Oh, I know how much this sucks. I’d rock my other son (who at the time was just 3 months old) to sleep at night, and just sit there and cry as I stared into his beautiful, oblivious little face. Do whatever you have to to focus your mind and your heart to grab onto these little things…they’re what will get you through.

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Carrie January 6, 2009 at 8:15 pm

Mia,

I’ve been where you are, and I know how much it hurts. Don’t feel bad about obsessing about HER. I did the same thing and, like you, I was so angry about the inequity of it all — how I was left to deal with things all alone and he got an immediate shoulder to cry on (though I doubt he did any actual crying).

You are doing great. You really are. Keep doing what you’re doing and keep telling yourself “one day at a time.” That was my mantra for a while.

P.S. You are a terrific writer!

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Miranda January 6, 2009 at 8:35 pm

You can do this. You can. Don’t obsess over her. She has nothing on you. She is irrelevant. You are a strong, amazing mother. Focus on yourself. Focus on your daughter. Rearrange whatever furniture is left in the house and make it your own. I look forward to reading future posts from you and watching your progress. Because you will progress.

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Laura January 6, 2009 at 8:52 pm

You can do it Mia!!!! You are strong and you are lucky to have a support system!!

There may be more tears and more heartache but you will be ok!

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Nikki January 6, 2009 at 8:58 pm

I’m not really sure what to say because while our struggles are a bit different, I can’t seem to combat my own…but do know that this is the absolute best online support community I could have ever asked for. I’m so glad you are a part of it. We’re all warrior princess’. :O) (And prince’s for the gentlemen singlets)

I’d like to give you a big GIANT {HUG}.

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Hanna January 6, 2009 at 9:38 pm

My daughter went through the “don’t leave” me phase too after dealing with the in-and-out lifestyle of her dad. I’m sure it will come back again when he decides to bail. Your daughter will always remember that you “come back.” Mine asks me every morning, as if she’s still suprised.

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movin' down the road January 6, 2009 at 9:42 pm

make him a zero, hun. and sit and look in your daughter’s face and use all the hurt and yuckiness and anger towards making you both feel safe and loved. easier to say than do, I know, when you’re in it. When I separated from my husband, he dragged me through a horrendous time and I kept my eyes on the kids and being who I knew I was and holding steadfast to that. That is your best protection for your little one.

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Sheila January 6, 2009 at 11:42 pm

Mia — sending you lots of love and support.

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Pixie MAMA January 7, 2009 at 12:41 am

Oh Mia,

I remember him walking away and me begging to atleast leave on a kind note. I just couldn’t understand how he can be so heartless. But he was and he is. And that is all he’s got.

My Therapist had told me to put on a wristband ( like a hair band) and every time I am about to do something I know is foolish to snap it.
one was not enough fro me. i put on 3…Which in a way was symbolic without meaning to. One for me and two for my children.
I recorded myself crying on my little voice recorder .. weeping ..wailing actually. So i remind myself the next time how it felt right before I see if i can fix it again. I never did listen to it but one day I may. Just to remember wher I came from and how strong it made me.
You will be fine And so will Sydney.
And days will be up and others will get ” Funky” (thanks MSM) but at the end you will be fine.
And feel yourself hugged and rocked to sleep by soo many of us.

Much love and support.
PM

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Carolyn January 7, 2009 at 6:09 am

I remember that feeling. It was so long ago that I moved out and left my husband with his girlfriend. While I ached and nursed my broken heart, he had her to curl up with at night and he had someone to distract him. They could play house together and pretend they hadn’t broken up our family.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You will find that backbone. It’s been there all along. And your daughter will trust you more than even, once she sees that you’re staying with her and working hard to keep her safe and happy.

I hope your ex chokes on his cereal this morning.

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JOLENE January 7, 2009 at 6:56 am

Mia,

I am sitting here in my cubical trying to hide the tears. Your words were as if you had taken them right out of my head 6 months ago. I would love to tell you that it is not hard and that you will feel great when it is over but I can’t… It is hard, very hard… but in then end it is totally worth it. I didn’t have any backbone at all when I left my abusive husband (now ex husband) but it didn’t take me long to find my way back to where I was before I met him. So here are my words of advise straight from a newly single mom of three:

~don’t think it is going to be easy, it’s not… but always remember – You can do this! And you deserve better!
~mix things up a little. The best thing I did after my ex left was rearange my bedroom. I put things where I wanted them, because it was now MY HOUSE.
~find comfort in friends (around town or on line) there are millions of bloggs out there for single mothers (including my own, email me if you would like the website) and they have really helped me stay strong. “They can do it… so can I!”
~And always remember: you are all your daughter needs in life. Stay health and strong for her. She needs you now more then ever.

My heart goes out to you. You can do this! and it will get easier.

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single mommy January 7, 2009 at 7:09 am

Hi Mia-
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
My husband had affairs too. We are separated now and working on a divorce.
I’m here to tell you that it sucks now, but it does get better. Little by little but so much better.

You are strong and you’re not alone.

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Wyliekat January 7, 2009 at 7:21 am

Oh, that shameful feeling of wanting them back, even when they’ve left you with nothing. I remember it well. I sat in a parking lot of a Target and placed a long distance cell phone call to my ex, to say “I just cannot understand, please explain again why you’re leaving”.

The most shameful part? *She* was in the car with him. The *she* he left me for. Or, to be more accurate, the *she, the tool he used to leverage himself out of the marriage* was in the car.

On some level, I cringe thinking about it. On other levels, I think it’s natural.

This is the hardest part, I swear. It’s the fact that the pain overwhelms you – it did for me, at least once a day for the first month or so.

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T January 7, 2009 at 8:06 am

We’re cheering you on Mia. It sounds like many of us have been in the same boat. And I think we’re all thinking…

“If we could do it, then you can too.”

You still have love in your life. Look at it and embrace it. It will grow.

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Najia January 7, 2009 at 10:00 am

Mia – similar thing happened to me. My ex husband just left. Not for another woman. I’m still not really sure why he left, but he did. He left me and my 12 month old. I was a work at home mom and my rent was $2300/month. I had to figure things out fast.

He never picked up the phone when I called. Never responded to my emails (except for one where he sent me a link to the “5 stages of grief” wtf?). I cried a lot. Mostly I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry in the shower so my son wouldn’t see. I would have nightmares so terrible I barely slept. And the worst part was that my nightmares were mirrors of my actual life. When I woke up I didn’t feel relief that it was all just a dream.. bc the dream was actually my reality as well.

Your post is well written and coherent which proves you will be a-okay. I was writing in all CAPS AND !!!!! during my “period”.

You’ll make it and you’ll be better for it. I look back and see what a robot I was when I was married to him. Now I just think that I’m free, I escaped.. I have a second chance at life. This time to live life on my terms.

So I’m kinda thankful that I got a get out of jail free card. Now I just have to pass go and collect my $200.

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Jennifer January 7, 2009 at 10:17 am

I have faith in you Mia! You have to be strong! If not for yourself then for your baby! It will get easier, I promise!

Good Luck with your new life!

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shani January 7, 2009 at 11:08 am

I went through this exactly as you described about 12 years ago. after 9 years of marriage.
My three younguns and me.
I was left behind, to explain why thier dad walked out with everything he owned. for the first 6 months they didnt see or hear from him. They saw him again at his wedding just 6 months after leaving, and one month after the divorce was finalized.
We made it through and so will you. You, have each other and that is better than the ‘flavor of the month’
My children have hardly been in touch with thier father, and for Christmas they recieved a wedding invitation this just a year after ‘the other woman’ left him for another man.
You are better off. It doesnt feel like that now, but in time you will see.
Hang in there, focus on your child and have faith

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LB January 7, 2009 at 11:31 am

Mia,

As hard as it may be to believe right now-You will be so much better off without him. Stay strong but allow yourself to mourn the loss of your relationship. You need to cry, to feel sad, to be angry even. Just dont let those feelings take over. Each day will bring a new challenge for you but trust that each day you are growing stronger and setting a great example for your child.
Hugs,
L

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Kelly January 7, 2009 at 11:42 am

Hi Mia, This really hit home. My husband walked out on me and my 2 year old daughter on December 30th of this year. Absolutely no explanation other than he was unhappy. He just packed up his things and said he was leaving me. I’m completely devastated, but know that with each passing day I will go stronger, and so will my daughter. I’m looking forward to hearing about your continued journey.

Take care, Kelly

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CME January 7, 2009 at 12:07 pm

Wow…thanks for sharing. Writing is so therapeutic. I’m sorry your feelings are so raw right now. I’ve not experienced what you are going through but I empathize. I can tell you that I have been the one to leave a marraige “for another man”. But it really had nothing to do with “that other person” or even my husband. It had to do with me and me not loving myself. I had a hole inside me that I used men and other things to try to fill up. I loved my husband and he was a good man, but I was empty inside and didn’t know it. I filled it up with the “other man” for a while and eventually he wasn’t enough and I turned to other things. After having a child with “the other man” and still feeling empty, I got into enough pain and couldn’t “fill the hole” anymore and got some help. So I hope you know that although you feel this is about you and your daughter, it’s not. It’s not about you. It’s about him and he is sick. There’s something wrong with him. It doesn’t make it okay, not one bit. Now that I am on the other side and healthy, I am working through the guilt and remorse for leaving. No kids were involved. The ex I left found love and has been happily married for many years now. I truly believe it was a blessing for me to leave him for his sake. I lived with terrible guilt and remorse for many, many years for doing that. So although you may never know, I can guarantee he will be or is in pain, too. You can’t be human and do that to another human and your own child and not feel pain. It’s just a different kind. I wish you all the best on your journey. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. You are lucky to have great friends like Alaina. Much love!

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Heather January 7, 2009 at 2:34 pm

Just want to give Mia props… and thell her that I can completely relate to this post.

XOXO

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J-Fo January 7, 2009 at 3:39 pm

The backbone is a beautiful thing. And, as it strengthens…you will AMAZE yourself. And one day, you will wake up, and his crap life of lies will be more pathetic to you than anything else. Good luck, Mia. It’s a ride. A huge ride. But when you get through the initial hell, you will find the “you” that emerges is more fabulous than the one this jack-hole left behind.

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A January 7, 2009 at 4:58 pm

oh mia. i’m so sorry u have to go through this. broke my heart reading this. time heals everything though for sure. i don’t really have anything to say..i’m not familiar with the situation though i;ve been through other situations but yeah definitely not the same..i just wanted to let u know though that i am reading and one of your many supporters (whoo team mia lol :)).

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badmuthablogger January 7, 2009 at 8:55 pm

What a wanker. Seriously. You are much better off without this weak, pathetic man in your life, although it will take a long time to realise it. My heart goes out to you. I’m sending you goddess prayers for Kali strength and Kuan Yin healing. You will live through this, and you will be a stronger person for it. CME said the same thing in her comment, and it’s worth repeating: what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger (Nietzsche). Many blessings to you and your baby.

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Wondermom January 7, 2009 at 9:09 pm

Big hugs to you! I’m going on 9 months separated but reading your words it feels like just yesterday that I was in your shoes. All I can tell you is what everyone else has said…it will get better…slowly. Some days you’ll feel like it’s one step forward and two steps back but you will go on because you have no choice.

My ex walked away from my then 3-year old and 1-year old telling them nothing more than “Daddy’s going on a trip…it’s probably going to be a long one.” I was pretty proud of myself for not letting my babies see me cry…until it was bedtime and my 3-year old looked me straight in the eye and asked “Daddy’s going to live in a new house now, isn’t he?” and I just completely lost it. The three of us cried together for quite a while that night.

My 3-year old also had “scary dreams” about me leaving for a few weeks. I think he’s figured out now that I won’t ever leave him…but I won’t be surprised if those fears resurface. I was actually a little surprised in the beginning that the boys didn’t act out or really seem affected by the whole mess at all (other than occasional outbursts) then several months into the separation, things started happening. Now every time I think we’re over that hill, new issues come up but we address each one as it comes and move on together. That’s all we can do.

He’s actually doing you a favor by not answering your calls…mine went through phases of acting like nothing was wrong between us. He’d call me half drunk in the middle of the night and gossip about people at work or in the neighborhood. Sometimes it was actually nice…like in the beginning of our relationship…but afterwards I felt like a whore. I decided that I didn’t want to be there for him only when he wanted me anymore and I wasn’t going to force the children on him. When he called, I said only what needed to be said and hung up. I went out of my way not to call him. And I kept records of how often he called to check on the kids, how often he visited, all of that. You may not think you need it…I knew there was no way in Hell that my Ex would ask for custody…but it turns out that it has come in handy. He doesn’t want custody, but he does want the court to think that he’s the daddy of the year so I’m glad I have documentation of all that’s really gone down.

I discovered the single parents blogoshpere about six months into my separation and it was an epiphany for me. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but for once I didn’t feel quite so alone. And I saw people at all different stages of the process and realized that there is hope. I started my own blog mostly hoping to get my feelings out…I never thought that anyone would want to read them. I can’t tell you how cathartic it has been for me to write and going back and reading what I wrote just a few months ago does remind me how much I’ve grown.

Surround yourself with people who support and uplift you, keep your focus on what’s really important (Sydney), take time to take care of you because Sydney needs you healthy, and try to take it one day at a time…one minute at a time if you have to. And make sure to CYA…even if you don’t think you’ll need it.

Big hugs and lots of positive thoughts and prayers coming your way. It’s a little sad to think of it this way, but it won’t be long before you’ll be comforting someone and giving them advice because you’ve been through it and come out that much stronger.

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LTP January 7, 2009 at 9:23 pm

Mia, I wish I had strength to give to you but I’m still healing myself in many ways. I totally get that feeling, wanting, need…to call him even when you know you shouldn’t and he’s a dog….believe it or not, the person I once loved and that I allowed my children to get close to, has called me the C-word, white trash, all kinds of filth—and yet I still care about him and what happens to him. By the way, this was the man I committed nearly two years of my life to following my separation/divorce–and that amazingly, I thought I would end up spending forever with. So don’t beat yourself up too much….it’s natural to want to reach out to the person that you’ve given so much of yourself to–but follow the advice of us all when we say–you are strong, your daughter needs you like no other, and you will get through this….you will. I hope he will at least step up and be the father to his daughter that she will eventually long for, as I did growing up. As I said to a girlfriend the other day, YOU are now in control of this situation–and you make the rules. Do not just let him waltz in and out of her life….your number one priority is your daughter. You can do this….don’t underestimate yourself. Sending love….

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Erin January 8, 2009 at 10:20 am

It’s been two years since I was in your shoes and reading this brought me right back. I’m so sorry that this has happened to you, but you are in great company (unfortunately this has happened to so many…shame on these men!) I wish you healing, hope and solace. You can get through this and you will be OK. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, whether that be missing him or wanting to rip out his (and her) throat, its all about the process. Take care Mia, we’re all rooting for you!

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MakoMan January 8, 2009 at 1:07 pm

Hi Mia,

Hang in there and be strong. You are in the beginning of a process that starts with hurt and anger, but the good news is that it always has a happy ending. Any man that can walk out on their child is not worth being with anyway. Down the road he will regret his actions, but by then you will have moved on to bigger and better things. Hug your daughter more than ever and always let her know you will be by her side. Unconditional love is rare, but you will find it.

Surround yourself with family and friends and treat yourself to a spa day…..you deserve it.

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Star January 9, 2009 at 5:23 pm

Mia,
I am now 3 months out from when this happened to me. At first, I called him and talked to him just trying to figure out why I wasn’t enough and what the truth had really been while I was oblivious. I felt like I woke up from having amnesia and was being told what my life had really been like. I left my kids with a friend at night and stalked him trying to figure out if he was staying with her and what he was really up to. I was obsessed with what he was doing while I felt like I was trapped by motherhood and he was running free living the life. At this point, I no longer feel obsess with what he is doing and I’m more obsessed with what kind of future I would like and where I should go from here. I’m feeling more capable of raising the kids alone. My 2 1/2 year old also had nightmares of me leaving too since Daddy left. His nightmares have stopped, he’s developed a much thicker skin reaction about when I cry or break down (which happens less often) and he is really ok with not seeing his Daddy. We have been away for a month and he doesn’t even ask about him. I’m worried about how going back into a visitation schedule will affect him but we’ll see. We were living with my parents for the last month and that made me realize that I’d rather raise the boys alone in my own way than live with my parents and have them practically raising them in their own way. That is a big step because I am CHOOSING to do it alone and that feels really good. Before I felt like the decision was made for me and I was very bitter about it. I’m still dealing with the adjustment of how my kids life will have to be very different than the one I had pictured for them but I just want you to know that it does get better a very small step at a time. I’m still a mess and very sad but I’m no longer stalking my soon to be ex or calling him looking for some kind of comfort. That’s an improvement. I’m looking forward instead of back. That’s a big improvement. Even the nightmares are diminishing. Try reading the twilight series before you go to bed at night so that you have something totally different to think about before you fall asleep at night. It helps. So….things are going to keep getting better.
Love, Star

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bobby January 12, 2009 at 2:30 pm

I don’t know you personally Mia, but I know something about you. You are very strong, even if you don’t realize it at times. Seeing what my Mom had to deal with when I was a child, made me realize that singlemom’s are very strong because they have to take care of the children. They step up to the plate!!

Singlemom’s are at the top of my list of people I respect and admire. They are truly champions of children. That means you too Mia!

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Tray January 19, 2009 at 12:32 pm

My wife left and took my girls with her and left me with the house and the memories and then was dumped by her boyfriend that she left me for. She is on her third bf now and has this one living with her and my girls, and trying to get them to call him daddy. It’s been almost two years, and the pain is still there but it is not as severe. It takes time but you do heal. My focus is on shielding my children from the hurt, and helping them up to be grow healthy emotionally.

Stay strong Mia. You are better off without him in your life. Hopefully, he will be there for Mia.

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abrookshire June 19, 2009 at 3:48 pm

She will make it through this better than he will BECAUSE she has Sydney. She has a reason to go on and to be strong and to live a respectable life. He's already taken the coward's way and I'm sure he has yet to realize the cost of his actions.

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Sarah Warrington November 30, 2012 at 5:17 am

I feel though your story has happened sometime ago and I will read on to see if you still share your recovery that I will share my story too!

I was with my partner 12 years and we have 2 daughters, 8 and 4. In April this year we finally decided to marry persuaded by our 2 best friends, a couple who have 3 daughters, our daughters are all at school together and are best friends. We spent weekends together and have holidayed a few times a year for the past couple of years or more.

So we had the wedding and we had just our parents and the couple as they were also our witnesses and the 5 girls were bridesmaids. We all went to a hotel and she (my friend) got incredibly drunk throughout the day, even insulting my now husbands Mum, she then dragged me to other parties in the hotel telling me that my husband knew where we were, I later found out he didn’t. Finally she and I go up to my room where my husband was sleeping and they both have a huge row over her behaviour with his mum, I found this quite strange on my wedding night!!!

Anyway I could go in to lots more detail but I’ll take up a few pages!! We then had a reception party in June, again she did my make up helped organised etc…. So kids break up end of July and we all go on holiday to Cornwall, I found some behaviour there quite strange, she would dress up to the 9’s every night just for us to have dinner at the house, my husband went to bed early every night and didn’t join in, very unusual. He avoided intimacy with me, again unusual, whilst her and her husband had plenty another unheard of!!!

We come home from holiday and as soon as they get through the door she breaks up with her husband. Mine then causes a row 3 days later with me and leaves, no explanations anything, slowly over the last few months it has come out that my husband and said best friend are having an affair!!!!! He denies it though she has drunkenly confessed to her ex husband and there are a lot more details but here I am in a total state after being betrayed by the 2 people I trusted most in the world, with no idea how I will ever get beyond it!!!!

I hope Mia that you are now strong and recovered.

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kylee December 24, 2014 at 7:55 am

I saw your post by chance. Only difference is that we have no children.

It’s been a year . She was pregnant when he left. They are now married and I heard, extremely blissful. The baby girl is his pride.

While I am still here . Alone. And still thinking of that ten years of my life.

Thank you for your posting . I wish we had a child, which will give me strength to live. That would be selfish though. Everyday is a struggle. And I hope I will pull through.

And let karma hits back at the one who deserves it.

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