Because it just has to be said.
Last week I broke the news that my best friend Mia’s boyfriend and the father of her child is moving out. Catch up here if you missed it.
Your responses were overwhelming and she read every one of them. Your thoughts, encouragement and advice meant the world to her and your insights were invaluable – so Thank You from Mia and myself.
Three days later she gave me this letter, “Can you publish this? Please – it’s therapeutic for me.”
Editor’s Note: On the non-capitalizing of The Other Woman’s name – “It’s not a typo,” she told me, “I refuse to give her the respect of capitalizing her first name.” Just one day before she wrote the letter Mia found text messages in her ex’s phone to the extent of, “I can’t wait to have you all to myself.” But the worst one for Mia to read, “So soon… so soon.”
Here’s Mia’s letter to the “other” woman..
To molly, The Other Woman,
I remember meeting you last year with my entire family. I am sure you remember meeting me, along with my then 3 year old daughter Sydney. I made small talk with you about college and your plans for the future like one might do with someone younger, more naive about the world. You reminded me of myself at 23. That is how old I was when I met him. And at 24 I was pregnant. Unplanned and scared, I was making decisions that would affect the rest of my life and the life of the baby inside me. So, I know we are not faceless. I wonder if you have blocked us from your memory out of convenience.
One of the things I loved about him was his eagerness to spend the rest of his life with me. He loved the idea of us having children young so that we could have time just the two of us again before we were “old”. I also loved how until recently, he was so affectionate. He always held my hand, or rubbed my back slightly while we walked together. He never let a fight go on more than 10 minutes, I used to get angry because he would want to cuddle and make up before I had even gotten started. I know what it is like to have him look at you the way he probably does. I know what it can make you feel like. But what you don’t understand is that in between all those looks I got was our life. Life was sometimes broke, tired, full of ultrasounds, high fevers, first days of school, new jobs and bad dinners. It was also laughing, loving, and signing around the house. But it was our life. Our family.
He has made a terrible decision to give up on our lives together, the life that I know is worth the effort. I blame him for allowing his emotions to get the best of him. And what he may not understand yet is that life does not deliver you love wrapped up in a nice neat package. Love isn’t a state of being, it changes, and it is sometimes situational at best – but it is marked by commitment and choice. It is a decision that may have to be made again and again, even with the same person.
I blame you as well, molly. I have always said that the other woman shouldn’t matter in situations like this – you are like a tool to get the job done, so to speak. But you see, now that I am living this, feeling this, and having to imagine life after this, you do matter. You have made a choice as well. Your choice was to put your feelings above the good of a family. You have chosen to disregard my life, and even worse – my 4 year old daughter’s. You have chosen a man that is capable of leaving his family without a fight, which I beleive is the most unfathomable of all of your choices. If I weren’t hurting so badly for my baby girl right now I would wish this same fate on you when/if you have a family of your own. But I can’t wish this hurt on anyone- not when I think about all the times my daughter will ask me if daddy is coming home and all the times I will have to say no. Unfortunately for you molly, it is not wishes that make these happen, I believe in karma and I think you should too. We may make choices for ourselves but the universe has a reason for everything, I am a firm believer in that.
Since I have found out about you I have been a shell of myself. Crying and sick. the only other time in my life I have felt this way was was when I first learned I was pregnant. But out of that shell came the one true reason for my life. My Sydney. The reason I breathe. So I can hate you because you mean nothing to me, but I will be forced to keep loving him, at least in some way, because we have Sydney. We made her and without her my life would be incomplete. He and I have a bond that you could not understand. And while I will be reasonable, like I always am, about everything else that he and I have to work out concerning Sydney for the rest of our lives, the one thing I can and will control is you. We may not have been a concern of yours before but I guarantee we will become one. You may never see my child. You may not have a relationship with her of any kind, and you will never have the chance to know her and love her like her father and I do. this is the consequence of you choices. This may not mean anything to you now but believe me, without her- you only have half a man. And the worthy half stays with me.
—UPDATE on Mia—
Mia has good days and bad days, the good will hopefully be outnumbering the bad soon enough. Right now she’s making plans for her future – without him. It won’t be easy. She may have to move and she’s still finding the words and the right moment to tell their daughter.
I just want to say one thing to every woman who has ever been cheated on, especially if you have children — a man who would do such a thing is not a man at all, he is a naive boy. And if he says you threw it all away first and drove him to cheat – he’s making excuses for his inability to communicate, to keep the relationship from crumbling. In short – he is a spineless coward and you are better off without him.
And to the women who touch married men – karma is a bitch, and once a cheater always a cheater.
I’m sorry things have been a bit morose or bitter on my blog over the past few weeks but reality it seems has taken over the holidays. I’m sick, so is Benjamin – still, and it’s Christmas Eve Eve – and all of this is raining down on Mia.
I promise to have a nice chipper Christmas Eve post in the morning.
To catch up on Mia’s Story:
- Joining the Club - In which I find out that my best friend is about to become a single mother.
- Mia’s Story Part 1
- Mia’s Story Part 2
And if you like letters you may also like:
- A Letter to My Future Husband, evidence that I am a romantic at heart