Because it just has to be said.
Last week I broke the news that my best friend Mia’s boyfriend and the father of her child is moving out. Catch up here if you missed it.
Your responses were overwhelming and she read every one of them. Your thoughts, encouragement and advice meant the world to her and your insights were invaluable – so Thank You from Mia and myself.
Three days later she gave me this letter, “Can you publish this? Please – it’s therapeutic for me.”
Editor’s Note: On the non-capitalizing of The Other Woman’s name – “It’s not a typo,” she told me, “I refuse to give her the respect of capitalizing her first name.” Just one day before she wrote the letter Mia found text messages in her ex’s phone to the extent of, “I can’t wait to have you all to myself.” But the worst one for Mia to read, “So soon… so soon.”
Here’s Mia’s letter to the “other” woman..
To molly, The Other Woman,
I remember meeting you last year with my entire family. I am sure you remember meeting me, along with my then 3 year old daughter Sydney. I made small talk with you about college and your plans for the future like one might do with someone younger, more naive about the world. You reminded me of myself at 23. That is how old I was when I met him. And at 24 I was pregnant. Unplanned and scared, I was making decisions that would affect the rest of my life and the life of the baby inside me. So, I know we are not faceless. I wonder if you have blocked us from your memory out of convenience.
One of the things I loved about him was his eagerness to spend the rest of his life with me. He loved the idea of us having children young so that we could have time just the two of us again before we were “old”. I also loved how until recently, he was so affectionate. He always held my hand, or rubbed my back slightly while we walked together. He never let a fight go on more than 10 minutes, I used to get angry because he would want to cuddle and make up before I had even gotten started. I know what it is like to have him look at you the way he probably does. I know what it can make you feel like. But what you don’t understand is that in between all those looks I got was our life. Life was sometimes broke, tired, full of ultrasounds, high fevers, first days of school, new jobs and bad dinners. It was also laughing, loving, and signing around the house. But it was our life. Our family.
He has made a terrible decision to give up on our lives together, the life that I know is worth the effort. I blame him for allowing his emotions to get the best of him. And what he may not understand yet is that life does not deliver you love wrapped up in a nice neat package. Love isn’t a state of being, it changes, and it is sometimes situational at best – but it is marked by commitment and choice. It is a decision that may have to be made again and again, even with the same person.
I blame you as well, molly. I have always said that the other woman shouldn’t matter in situations like this – you are like a tool to get the job done, so to speak. But you see, now that I am living this, feeling this, and having to imagine life after this, you do matter. You have made a choice as well. Your choice was to put your feelings above the good of a family. You have chosen to disregard my life, and even worse – my 4 year old daughter’s. You have chosen a man that is capable of leaving his family without a fight, which I beleive is the most unfathomable of all of your choices. If I weren’t hurting so badly for my baby girl right now I would wish this same fate on you when/if you have a family of your own. But I can’t wish this hurt on anyone- not when I think about all the times my daughter will ask me if daddy is coming home and all the times I will have to say no. Unfortunately for you molly, it is not wishes that make these happen, I believe in karma and I think you should too. We may make choices for ourselves but the universe has a reason for everything, I am a firm believer in that.
Since I have found out about you I have been a shell of myself. Crying and sick. the only other time in my life I have felt this way was was when I first learned I was pregnant. But out of that shell came the one true reason for my life. My Sydney. The reason I breathe. So I can hate you because you mean nothing to me, but I will be forced to keep loving him, at least in some way, because we have Sydney. We made her and without her my life would be incomplete. He and I have a bond that you could not understand. And while I will be reasonable, like I always am, about everything else that he and I have to work out concerning Sydney for the rest of our lives, the one thing I can and will control is you. We may not have been a concern of yours before but I guarantee we will become one. You may never see my child. You may not have a relationship with her of any kind, and you will never have the chance to know her and love her like her father and I do. this is the consequence of you choices. This may not mean anything to you now but believe me, without her- you only have half a man. And the worthy half stays with me.
—UPDATE on Mia—
Mia has good days and bad days, the good will hopefully be outnumbering the bad soon enough. Right now she’s making plans for her future – without him. It won’t be easy. She may have to move and she’s still finding the words and the right moment to tell their daughter.
I just want to say one thing to every woman who has ever been cheated on, especially if you have children — a man who would do such a thing is not a man at all, he is a naive boy. And if he says you threw it all away first and drove him to cheat – he’s making excuses for his inability to communicate, to keep the relationship from crumbling. In short – he is a spineless coward and you are better off without him.
And to the women who touch married men – karma is a bitch, and once a cheater always a cheater.
—-
I’m sorry things have been a bit morose or bitter on my blog over the past few weeks but reality it seems has taken over the holidays. I’m sick, so is Benjamin – still, and it’s Christmas Eve Eve – and all of this is raining down on Mia.
I promise to have a nice chipper Christmas Eve post in the morning.
To catch up on Mia’s Story:
- Joining the Club - In which I find out that my best friend is about to become a single mother.
- Mia’s Story Part 1
- Mia’s Story Part 2
And if you like letters you may also like:
- A Letter to My Future Husband, evidence that I am a romantic at heart
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“He has made a terrible decision to give up on our lives together, the life that I know is worth the effort…”
I understand totally.
Why do people do this?
There is something to be said for believing in something that is bigger than yourself. Two people building a life & family together is so much more important than our own selfish desires. Some poeple can’t see that.
“Love isn’t a state of being, it changes, and it is sometimes situational at best – but it is marked by commitment and choice. It is a decision that may have to be made again and again, even with the same person.”
Yep. That just about sums it up. That’s BRILLIANT.
This is motivating me to write a letter to the ‘other woman’ in my life. Not only had I met her, but she was my best friend! (I might throw a few more expletives in my letter.)
Nice job, Mia! Have you thought about starting a blog of your own?
Alaina, no worries. My blog has been nothing but doom and gloom, too….for a couple of months or more. I am SO looking forward to Christmas being OVER! Hang in there with me, OK?
Dear Mia-
My heart goes out to you. The only words of advise I can give you in such an awful time are these:
Stay strong. You CAN and WILL make it through this.
The Applause Light is blinking BIG for you Mia. Those vocal cords sing out so clearly for so many of us out here in the audience, stunned in our own experiences of THAT happening.
I have a daughter named Mia … does that make us sisters somehow?
I see I am not the only one who is down this holiday season.
*sigh*
I was pregnant during my ex’s affair. I actually confronted the woman when my little one was 3 months old. Yes, I took the baby and showed her one of the lives she wasn’t thinking about.
Yet I’d had a affair on my husband 6 years prior with a married man.
Yep, Karma’s a bitch.
These are things I don’t readily admit but all of this sounds so familiar. I know what its like… from both sides and neither side is fun.
Now though… I feel good. I know my life is exactly the way its supposed to be. But getting here was, at times, excruciatingly painful.
Everybody hurts during these things. Every single person.
She should confront her and really tell her, if she hasnt already. My sons father isnt even in the picture because of his new wife…he got married the same day we got divorced. And i will not let her anywhere near my child, she doesnt respect me adn my son is part of me. Karma always comes back…and for that other women as she should be known. it will and she will be sorry fro what she did
This is a wonderful letter, completely heartfelt. I wrote a letter to the other woman in my life just last week. You can read it here:
http://thedumbestsmartgirlyouknow.blogspot.com/2008/12/letter-that-ill-never-send.html
Mia, I wish you all the best. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my similar situation, it’s that I’m stronger than I ever knew. Two things, actually. The other being that children are SO resilient. Sydney will adjust to your new life!
Oh, and I hope you’re right about karma, i really do!
My southern friends like to say that “young men think the grass is always greener somewhere else, but grown men know the grass is greenest where you water it.” I think that sums it up quite efficiently.
Stay strong Mia!
To Mia, give yourself time to heal and grieve the loss, it is very real. I hope in time you will forgive Molly and your ex. You may even find a way to have a healthy relationship with him in this new chapter. It makes me sad that you plan to control the access that Molly will have to Sydney. Please do not use your child as a tool to punish your ex. By teaching your daughter to fear and hate this woman, you do more damage than the breakup could cause by itself. Who we become in life has more to do with how we react to adversity than the adverse action itself. I know you are mad and hurt and you should be. Hopefully time will bring clarity, you see forgiveness is not something you do for the benefit of others, it is something you do for your own wellbeing.
Jody:
I think you make an excellent point… but she is SO not there yet. I know Mia and I know one day she will be. But right now – she needs this anger. It’s been one week.
This letter was written from the heart in the a moment I’m sure many of us can relate to – when you are just raw with the hurt you’re feeling inside.
I thank you for making that comment though because in the long-run trying to control any situation with the ex and who sees Sydney will be next to impossible and could hurt everyone involved.
I think letters like that are so helpful — even if they’re never sent. I know writing helps me figure out how I feel. Sometimes the words that come out didn’t even occur to me before I sat down to write them…
Mia — I know it’s easier said than done, but try to have a happy holiday. You have a wonderful gift — a daughter. I know that’s what makes my spirit brighter.
Oh, how heartbreaking.
I got a chance to write a letter to the other women. It was very cathartic.
I know it is hard to believe, but time does help heal the wounds.
This letter is amazing. I’m so glad for Mia that she wrote it. I am so sad for her because I know her pain. I know how she is feeling and I know how hard it is. You are right, these are not men, these are boys. When my ex left for the other woman I felt all these things. Sometimes I still do. But she is most definitely better off. It may take a while to see that, but she is, just like I am and all the other women who have commented about similar situations.Any man who would do these things is not a man you want to be with, and I think the funniest thing in the world is the women who chose to be with them and somehow think “he won’t do that to me”. He may or may not, but the point is that he did. Mia, I hope you have a Merry Christmas with your little one, and try to keep your chin up. You deserve laughter and happiness!!
Wow, my heart is breaking reading this letter. My heart agrees wtih your letter 100%, but my head agrees with Jodi’s comments. Either way, good for you. He will never know a pure love (probably not what it is anyways) with her, after giving up an amazing wife and daughter. Any man that can leave their family for another woman, drugs, or whatever else, is absolutly not worth it and doesn’t deserve your love. Be strong.
You don’t know what he feels for the other woman. Maybe he loves her.
Wow, Alaina, just wow. I sure wish molly could actually read this letter and perhaps learn a few things. Amazing letter…please give Mia hugs for me. I have an ex-friend who has been involved with a married man over the past five years, and there are two children involved…it breaks my heart. The main reason I ended my friendship with her, truth be told. Disgusting. She thinks it’s partly the wife’s fault because she’s convinced the wife knows and hasn’t left him or confronted him. It’s unconscionable.
Love your blog…so glad you’re out there!!
~Heather
Please let your friend, Mia know that she is not alone! This letter reminds me of one I wrote to my ex-husband’s mistress (now current wife). I never sent my letter, but it sure felt good to get it out!
The holidays are hard…just make sure Mia knows that there are other women going through the same thing. Time does heal. My daughter is 3 1/2 right now and she was 1 1/2 when he left. I just focused all of my energy on her and giving her all of my love.
Mia, try to laugh when your little one says and does all of those adorable things this Christmas, I know it is hard, but those are the things that help to get you through.
Oh, Mia, my heart is breaking for you. I know the pain you’re going through and I want you to know that you have so much love coming towards you from people who genuinely care. All my love to you and your precious daughter.
Good job, Mia. Really great letter. I also didn’t capitalize my ex’s name for a while.
One thing you will see is that your ex’s love and concern will get replaced by that of the world’s. You’ll realize the true worth of your friends, your family even strangers. So many people will help you through this and you will be surrounded by love.
The person who will probably help you the most is the one that you may think is the least capable but you will realize is the most strong and worthy – You.
It hurts. The other woman definitely hurts. No matter what, she hurts.
But as you say, any woman who would choose to be with a man who *could* choose to live his family – well . . . you just know she’s not got her shit together.
This letter was heartwrenching and made me cry for her and her little girl …
There have been a few moments in my life where I hoped karma was a real phenomenon and this is one of them …
Good luck to Mia and Sydney from one single mother to another …
Yes– he is a naive boy and likely will be for the rest of his life. But there’s good news….there’s a special place in hell for molly and the rest of the women (and men) like her! Burn, baby, burn!
Another thought– and this is not out of control, manipulation, or revenge, but I would NOT let her near your daughter either until you are comfortable with it. You are the MOM. You make the decisions! It’s your job to make sure your child is surrounded by people who would never hurt her and I wouldn’t trust molly, until you are certain you can.
Wow I can sure relate to that letter. I have been a single parent with full custody for almost 4 years and even though I have forgiven my ex for leaving me and will always love her, the thought of someone else having anything to do with fathering my daughter still gives me an uneasy feeling. While on the other hand I know that a child can never have too much love. With that said I’m sure someday there will be another man in my daughters life.
Time will heal the hurt and anger though, and even some of us men have to go through this. What I did was to look at this as a learning experience and to try and grow from it. I took the time to get to know me a little better and to learn to really love myself.
Let Mia know she’s not alone and that she can overcome this. Also I found that the more I concentrated on my precious daughter the less I thought about her mother.
Can i post this to my website?
Can i post this in my website?
I’m in tears…my goodness, but she has alot of clarity, even if it is hard and sad, that will get her through, to understand her feelings and allow herself to go through them.
I was four months pregnant when I found out my ex was visiting escorts and massage parlors. We had been together for five years and also had a three year old son. I remember falling to my knees and crying like a baby for what seemed like an eternity when I first found out. I felt so broken. It’s been a year and a half and although I’m completely over him, I’m scared to even think about dating. I will never be able to trust a man again………………..
Infidelity comes in many forms. It takes some time, but it does get better.
After 18 years my hubby wants to leave for a girl, who could be my daughter and whom he knows only 2 months…yah, the letter perfectly describes how I feel…
Mia ( and also you Tina)
breathe… days will pass .. the darkest day of the year has passed.. the days will only get brighter and the sun will shine longer….
Breathe and look for the sun rays in the shadows and remember to show their beauty to your daughter.
You are embraced.. maybe not by him anymore but by soo many others. Just look at this blog.
When my world as a married woman and a mom first started shattering a distant friend had found out and I asked her to keep it quite for now as I did not know what the future had for us. She said: Wonder and Joy.
Here is to your wonder and joy.. sooner then you may think..
Much Love to your little family ( the two of you)
PXM
The best thing my ex did was cheat on me. It gave me an excuse to kick him out- and he got all the blame. I hurt at the time- boy did it hurt. But, after he was gone, I could see him for the boy he truely was. He didn’t care about me, or the kids, or our wellbeing. I didn’t realize how much he had torn me down until he left. I didn’t realize how much my self esteem was ripped to shreds from the lack of affection/ the constant, “senseless” fights (hindsight was that he picked these to leave and go to her). I got ME back. I got two wonderful kids to raise and the oppertunity to love again. He got CS and summer visitation with kids that don’t respect him. The other woman called me two years later- to tell me how right I was about everything about him- because he had cheated on her, too
Karma, baby.
This is a chance to grow.. to become the strong woman you are- to find her. Grab a bottle of wine… it’s not all fun, but if your life is like mine, the road ahead is much smoother than where you came from.
I wrote a letter to my exes girlfriend once, well, one of my exes girlfriends, Barbara, she was 3 months pregnant with his 3rd child at the time of our divorce.
Long, confusing story, but he and I were married, had 2 sons, he lived with her and had 2 more sons, dated Di and had a daughter, and then we found out about another son who is older than my oldest by 1 year.
Yuh.
Anyway, the day of the divorce, I handed her the letter, she sat there reading it while we got settlements and custody told to us by the judge.
After, she told me she would never be like me, that I was just a bitch.
A few years later I got a call from his sister with whom I am still close to to this day, and she had a message for me from Barbara, and Heather (sister read to me over the phone), then she mailed me the hard copy.
I kept it to this day.
“Dear Kat,
I am so sorry for all of the mean things I said and did to you. I loved him, I thought he loved me too. He told me that things were all your fault, I believed him. I said I would never be like you because he said he loved me, would never leave me, that it was forever, I believed him and hated you.
I should have listened to you when you wrote to me in that letter.
You told me that if he could cheat on his wife, leave his 2 sons, that he would do it to me as well. That all the promises he made and would make, would be broken, he doesn’t understand what a promise is, he doesn’t understand what commitment is.
I should have listened to you.
He left me this week, he told me he found a new love, her name is Di, she is pregnant with a daughter, after 4 boys, he wants his daughter, he says he’s the happiest he’s ever been, he loves her, he loves Di, not me, not anymore.
You said he’d leave me and our children, I called you a bitch, I wanted you to be wrong.
It was me who was wrong, and I should have listened to you and left him when I had the chance, that he would hurt me.
I wish I would have listened to you, you were right, I was wrong, and I am so sorry that I hurt you and your sons.”
________________________
Karma is a bitch. It comes back around and kicks the shit out of you when you deserve it the most, right at that moment when you are at the happiest point in your life, it comes and knocks you down with some steel toed boots.
Mia, molly will eventually get what she deserves, karma will get her and it will hurt like no other pain she has felt before, and the funny thing about karma is that it usually gives you back ten fold what you gave out.
molly’s got a big one coming for her for sure.
Hang in there girl, things are hard right how, it hurts right now, but it does get better in time.
Don’t rush it though, let it take all of the time it needs to do what it needs to.
Hello,
kat,after all this years,tell me are you still single,cos i am here for you,i think i can love you for ever,if you give me the chance to,my name is johan.this is my email,write me back should you feel the way i feel for you,thanks,my ID is johancaicedcdff@yahoo.com
I’m sorry for the pain your friend, Mia, is going through right now. That really sucks.
Why all the hating on Molly? I mean, yeah, she shouldn’t have done what she did, but it takes TWO to tango… I find it hard to believe that she’s innocent in all of it, but we have no idea what lines Mia’s ex is feeding her…
I’m commenting on this late, but wanted to tell you that your friend is not alone. Please let her read my story: My ex husband started cheating on me when I was 7 months pregnant and when my baby was 12 days old he informed me he wanted out. The woman he left me for is a single mother of two (from two different fathers who continue to let her down). My Ex was her comfort during HER nasty divorce that she was dealing with during my not so easy pregnancy and needed to spend time with my husband to help her through her drama. Apparently her husband had cheated on her. Irony anyone? She was a co worker of my Ex. I was clueless his “long hours at work” during my pregnancy were attributed to his time spent with her. It was a living nightmare to realize that all the time he had been spending away from me was really time spent with her. He called her EIGHT times during my LABOR. I saw the cell phone bill. And that’s not even the half of it. I cannot utter this woman’s name and like your friend Mia, if I were to write it I could not capitalize it.
To put it lightly, I was devastated. Still stings actually but presently, I know I’m better off. Like so many men who have made similar trespasses, my Ex has blamed me for all of HIS betrayals. And I know he told this woman a lot of things to make her feel comfortable she could move forward in their affair. But it will never make it right. It will NEVER justify what he did, what she did. It was all taken so lightly by them. I could go on, but it’s pointless, and your friend will see it the same way eventually. It will take time, she will be pissed off, depressed, the list goes on…
But remind Mia that this is an opportunity for her to create the life of her dreams- without the Ex. It is not the life she imagined but it will be beautiful if she chooses to be determined and not let this one “man’s” choices define her. It is not so much about Mia, but about the Ex’s inability to be in an adult relationship and communicate and show compassion and understanding and grow even through the hard times. If he wasn’t willing/capable of going the distance, he isn’t worth it.
I have had to move in with family to get back on my feet but I’m confident this will give me the time and space to grow new wings and find a better place mentally and spiritually than I ever could have with the Ex in my life. It’s tough to move forward with a child to take care of but like everything else you do as a single mom, you have no choice. Keep taking one day at a time, you will get through this. It’s a little over a year and I’m just now starting to REALLY see the light. Oh, and good girlfriends are invaluable for this situation- take it from me!
Sending lots of support and encouragement. You are not alone Mia. XO
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you….. If you’ll have me, I have more to write
I never want my daughter to read my version of your story online, but I’m very happy to share with you via email.
Do know this – things have taken a strange turn, and I’m better off now than ever before. Everything (well, almost) I thought I’d ever figured out about people has changed. heidi@singleworkingmama.com
Her marriage or not, if she’s contributing to someone’s infidelity, she is equally guilty of committing infidelity. Despicable.
What a great letter; I am sure it helped her some getting it off her chest. I wish her and Sydney all the best during her healing process.
Mia,
I read your letter and I think that you have helped yourself emotionally by writing it. My ex cheated on me also, it’s been 5 1/2 years. He walked out, he married the the other woman. When it first happened to me, I was devasted, sick, couldn’t eat, lost weight and the worse part was watching my son cry himself to sleep with the phone in his hand waiting for his Dad to call him. My son wouldn’t take calls from his friends, he was afraid he would miss the call from his Dad, he would watch home movies…it was heart breaking. I didn’t know what hurt me more, my ex leaving or watching my son’s heart break. I wrote my feelings down in a journal, it seemed to help me deal with some of the pain. I can’t remember feeling the need to confront the other woman, I did however write a letter to my ex. on how I felt and what he did. I thought or felt our marriage was fine, I was clueless. I did feel stupid and used for not seeing the signs, but he treated me great up until he started having the affair. I really thought, that it would never happen to me. It does get easier Mia, you will survive this. You will find that special man that deserves your love or rather he will find you, it will happen when you least expect it. Stop thinking about the ex and what he did and what the other woman did. He doesn’t even deserve you wasting your energy thinking about him.The other woman definitely doesn’t deserve any attention at all, that’s what she wants. I would say that (my opinion)these women get involved with married men because they like the attention. You are fueling the fire. I heard one woman that I used to ork with brag about breaking up a marriage and then she dumped the guy, some of these women are emotionally unstable. They are looking to get out of a current bad relationship or home life and see this happily married man and sink their teeth in. They feel they can have that too and really don’t care who they hurt in the process. I’ve watched my ex and the new wife, they don’t seem happy. He looks terrible, doesn’t take care of himself, and the worst part is the new wife doesn’t seem to care.She got what she wanted, diamond ring, new vehicle, new house, vacations. I truly believe that they will pay for they did, but it’s not up to us to be a part of that punishment. We already are, believe me, they think you about every day and what they did. It’s called having a conscience and living with guilt and wrong doing to others is a slow death, like being in prison. I advise you to try and get over all the negative thoughts and even the good thoughts about your marriage to the cheater and let someone else love you. Life goes by so fast and time really does help the pain go away. Good luck with your life and little girl’s future, she’s the most important person in all this anyway. Help her become a strong young woman.
Mia, I heard about your story from a mutual friend, and came to the blog to read it for myself… you are stronger than you think and are no doubt a survivor! Being divorced/separated from the father of your child is not easy, but if he is capable of doing something like this, then you and your daughter are better off without him.
Also, to anonymous posted on January 2nd…
molly does not deserve an ounce of respect. Who cares what the ex was saying or not… that’s not a good enough excuse for me, nor should it be for Mia or Sydney. Let’s face it… a home wrecker is a home wrecker!! There are plenty of single men out there without kids… she didn’t have to go after him. Period!!
Mia – take the time to grieve your relationship – believe that you will emerge stronger on the other side of this. This too shall pass – have comfort in that!
When you are stronger – make sure you get at least joint custody for your daughter, if that is not in place already. I have to tell you that your desire for your daughter not to have any contact and share her with the other woman (whether molly or other ones to come) is unfortunately unrealistic if your ex is to continue to be in your daughter’s life – it just comes with the territory. There are men who limit this exposure to only serious girlfriends, while some introduce the latest fling. My ex is of the later kind – and even though I have full custody of my daughter, it’s a fine balance between my daughter wanting her dad (which she sees every 2-3 months anyway) and I having no control over his lifestyle. We learn to let go, and to accept that indeed it takes a village to raise a child (as long as they are not exposed to bad influences of course).
Good luck to you!
-Charlotte
Mia, bravo on your letter to molly. And yes, anonymous (Jan 7), molly gets some hate coming her way. She is an ADULT, who made a CHOICE to ‘tango’ with someone who was still living with the mother of his child. “I can’t wait until I can have you all to myself” She knew exactly what she was doing. There is no running away or excusing that.
And speaking of excuses, how about the poor excuse of a man who left? How sad that he does not realize he left Sydney with the thought that her father’s desires were more important than her own. How pathetic that he thinks because he has ‘feelings’ for this girl molly, that he should act on them. What is he, 16?! An adult would realize that once you have children your needs and wishes are not even close to coming first. That you work on a relationship until you have run through all the options available, and that your children see that you worked hard to make being a family work. How does he sleep knowing that his daughter is crying because of him? Love is a commitment and it is a job, and yes, it is hard at times, and Mia, you hit it on the head when you said that you have to choose it again and again. Here is a boy who thinks he is a man, but never will be until he figures this out. Respect is earned hand in hand with real love. This guy will never know either.
Mia, you and your daughter are stronger and have more love than you’ll ever need.
~~Cubby
This is heartbreaking. I will be thinking of you, Mia. You and Sydney.
Somebody gave me advice that I never forgot. I hated it in the moment, so feel free to tell me to go to hell, but here goes:
The best thing about feeling like it’s the end of the world, is that, it never is.
This was a very powerful letter. I’ve been both. The victim & the assailant. My children’s father cheated & fathered another child while I was pregnant. I wouldn’t find out until she was 3 years old. I kicked him out & didn’t look back. That was 8 years ago.
Then 3 years ago I was found by my “first love” and former best friend. Within 6 months we were in a full blown affair. It was great (on the surface) until 1 year later when his wife called me the morning he was supposed to come out to visit me. I honestly did not understand her pain for awhile. He was still throwing us BOTH under the bus. I ended it, he stayed with his family, and I have since wanted to apologize for my part. But never sure if it was a selfish desire…to assuage my guilt.
Karma is a b*tch. My life was HELL in so many ways for those 2 years. It’s a mistake that I’ll never make again.
Wow, what an amazing letter. One I have thought of writing many times. My 32 year old ex left me for a 19 year old when our son was less than one. In doing so, he knew I would have to go halfway across the world with our son, and he'd be unable to watch him grow up. I cannot understand why any woman would want to be with a man who could make that decision.
5 years later, they are now divorced. I want to ask her if it was worth it.
Wow, what an amazing letter. One I have thought of writing many times. My 32 year old ex left me for a 19 year old when our son was less than one. In doing so, he knew I would have to go halfway across the world with our son, and he'd be unable to watch him grow up. I cannot understand why any woman would want to be with a man who could make that decision.
Alaina, I actually cried when I read Mia's letter. I wrote a similar letter but not to The Other Woman, but to my then-husband. I hope Mia moves on with her life. I have, and I have finally found someone who respects me and loves me as it should be.
This is difficult– but I have found myself in OW relationships– one where the man was a refugee and his wife in another country waiting for two years to reunite– since he was Muslim another wife didn't mean the same thing to him as it did to me– a devastating 5 years of my life. The second relationship was very brief as I didn't realize he was in a relationship– and the third was one where his wife had an affair and wanted one for her husband. I didn't want anything to do with this kind of relationship, but after establishing a good relationship with the two of them, an open relationship began.
At the point I am at now I wish I was– too dramatic to say dead– but– I feel played of course… yet still have feelings for the Other and since we work together it is ever so difficult to ease away. I am a target of his attention–
If there is only one piece of advice I have to offer it is to RUN if a married fellow has an opening line for you.
My humble best to all women who are just trying to make sense of their lives– it is a biological difficulty to establish healthy boundaries in my estimation. One that is so worthwhile– yet can be the most humbling of challenges if Your man is so inclined to be physically centred and egocentric.
This has left me prepared to change careers– to relocate– to lose established friendships– anything but remain in near an unhealthy emotional space. His wife, btw, has fallen in love with him all over again– which pleases me– they didn't have to work through as much angst as You have had on your plate as she was part of the plan!
Much love and solidarity to all women who are striving to just make sense of their lives– Jennifer
what bullshit you tell yourself love?!
You seem to have a pattern – perhaps if you spent more time dealing with your self esteem issues you wouldnt attract these type of married men?
Her letter was AMAZING and I love how she closed it out. Very inspiring.
I wish I could send her letter to a couple of people I know. It is VERY good and I wish her all the best in the world.
Ive been there – its a whirlwind of pain, tears, sleepless nights, anger and the joy of your child through it all as they emerge into this strange world – so unlike what you had hoped and dreamed for them.
My husband had an affair when I was 7 months pregnant and I found out through his emails to her discussing who stole the duvet covers (nice ehh?) and he said he ended it but he still had to go to work the next day with her?!!!!! (did he? did he not – the phone bills spoke for themselves and his constant inability to connect with me at any level and not constantly blame me for our problems that he now wanted to talk about?!!) We seperated when our son was 3 months old (we also have a 3 year old beautiful girl) but really he wasnt there emotionally or at times physically for most of the time – THATS what hurt – the lack of care to his pregnant wife…
As for the other woman – like attracts like – immaturity, selfishness, cowardice and avoidance of any issues or others feelings. Through my anger I feel sorry for her and her pathetic ‘half life’ with him. What kind of foundation is a relationship built on if it starts like this?
‘what goes around comes around’ indeed!
Go Mia! I feel not so alone now thank you.
same thing happened to me, but i was 3 months pregnant!
Hey there Mia!
I know exactly how u feel. When i was 3 months pregnant, my husband decided to leave me. He said I was a no good wife, he couldn’t stand my mood swings, and used every mistake i had made through out our relationship against me. For a while, i really did think i was a TERRIBLE wife and begged him to come back and he plain out said no over and over again. I really didn’t understand why? I mean, we had only been married for SIX months, how can u stop loving someone so fast? One day I decide to go out with my friends, enjoy a night instead of staying in crying my eyes out, and i see my husband holding hands and kissing another woman! I felt a knife had passed my heart. How could he do this to me? But sadly, it all made sense, he had left me for her. I’m 22, six months pregnant with his child and having through go to the process of a divorce. Its been heartbreaking and draining.
I went and confronted “the other woman” the day after I found out… I told her for the rest of her life when she looks in the mirror she will see a Red “A” for adulteress… she’s married too…but has no kids… I tried to show her a picture of my children…MY husband and I’s children…she wouldn’t look…
I’ll never understand… I don’t know about Karma, but the bible says “vengence is mine I will repay” “and for a strange woman a man is brought to a piece of bread”
I feel sorry for them really… trading in his whole life for a feeling… and for her…every good thing she might have been for another woman’s husband…
Amazing amazing amazing. I almost want to cut and paste to send to my husband’s mistress, though that time is long past. In my own unsent letter I wrote similarly, “You will never know the experience of making your love tangible by carrying his children from 9 months at a time. You will never even know the back-aches from scrubbing stains out of his socks and shirts. These are the things that make a couple, not a few nights at the bar, late night rendezvous, a few parties, or some memories from high school.”
The idea of her near my children hurt more than anything. I remember my husband telling me how “cute” it was to watch her change my newborn’s diaper (while he was still denying any sort of affair) and I nearly puked. I was pregnant with our second–back to back babies!–and she made a point of saying that she was ok with that and that’s she’d take care of both of them when the little one was out. Oh HELL no. If we had divorced I would have fought tooth & nail to keep that disgusting woman away from my children, and relished explaining to them why when they were older. Power to Mia for sticking to her guns there; disrespectful women like that need to have their boundaries drawn for them, as awful as that is. I hope all is well with her these few years later.
Dear Mia, I am so sorry for your pain, I share it. My husband abandoned me after 20 years – I forgave him his affairs and ultimately he left me for another woman. You do not have to love him – he will always be the other parent but you do not have to keep giving. Everything is about you and your precious girl – Molly and her new boyfriend will make their way without your support. You will make good choices for your daughter because that is what we do but you are not obliged to love him.
Dear Mia,
I am so glad I come across to this site. At the moment I am still healing. I have given my husband a second chance and I can see that he is remorseful and have cut his affair to the other woman. But what hurts me was I know her, she became my friend and she is pregnant. My husband confessed everything to me because he was scared if I know it from other people I will leave him. He tried everything he could to convince her go back to her country which she eventually did. Then my husband told me. Mia thank you so much for sharing your letter. I have been planning to write her a letter but I am hesitant since it might back fire on me. My husband showed me his email to her by ending his affair with her and stating that he will do whatever it takes to win me back and I also read the response. But One thing that I could not take was she mentioned to my husband “you killed me and destroyed my life completey”. I wanted to tell her that it is also her fault and hoiw I was miserable when I knew about them. I opened my home to her and treating her as my friend and offering to look after my children. (I want to puke). Is it appropriate to write her a letter considering she is giving birth this July 2012? I have been drafting letters but still hesitant.
I know you are hurting. I’m divorced–we split when our son was only 7. My husband turned out to have a girlfriend he had been cheating on me with for more than a year before we separated (which is why I kicked him out–when I found out about her from one of his friends). But for me, my heart was hurting over loss of our marriage and loss of hope of any future happiness together and that my son was now going to grow up in single parent household. But our relationship was so damaged at that point anyway, I actually didn’t even really care about the other woman. I was glad he had someone to go live with after I ordered him out of the house. Didn’t really want him sleeping in his car even though he deserved it. She can have him 100% I didn’t want him anymore. That’s how I felt. I didn’t even like him anymore. Part of me will always love him because I don’t think people ever stop loving someone completely after they have once loved them.
Anyway, the other woman was never the issue. If he had been happy with himself or had any kind of communication skills at all (he had many emotional problems his entire adult life anyway), he would have stayed faithful to me and continued to care about our family and marriage. She was the natural result of him avoiding the issues. I don’t know, maybe they are more compatible, doesn’t matter to me now, and mattered little to me when I booted him out. I was fed up. I was happy to forge ahead as a single parent and protect our son from some of his damaging characteristics by continuing to live to live under same roof as his father. He is not a positive, healthy person. Anyway….
You are really hurt, but this other woman is not a non-human unworthy of capitalizing her first name. Come on. She didn’t set out to hurt you or hurt your child, she just doesn’t have any emotional investment in either of you. She is emotionally involved herself with your husband and that’s all she’s concerned about. It’s really not different than if you met your husband, he broke up with a girlfriend who still wanted him-broke up with her to be with you. Would you care about the girlfriend who was brokenhearted over losing him? No you wouldn’t. If their relationship had been strong, you wouldn’t have been a factor.
Same thing with the other woman and your husband. Something in your relationship wasn’t working and rather than facing it or working it out with you, he chose her. Or didn’t choose you, since he might let the other woman go at this point too and find someone else. It isn’t about her. It is about you and him.
He will love your child and so will you regardless of your marriage ending and both of you living in separate households. He wasn’t trying to hurt your child and probably wasn’t trying to hurt you either and doesn’t take it lightly. Sometimes people’s relationships just die also. People grow, or they get to really each other and decide they are not the person they want to continue living with for all eternity. It just happens.
But it doesn’t make the other woman something equating a street prostitute or someone unworthy of capitalizing her first name. You are lashing out because you are really really hurt.
But do you want a man, for yourself, who doesn’t see you as worth doing anything to keep? One who would rather take up with a new woman?
Is he a good father? Some men who cheat are still great fathers. Too many people out there cheat and they aren’t not all pond scum and neither are the people they are cheating with. They are usually just regular people who are torn up about getting involved and negatively affecting other people in the process.
Leave your child out of this though. This other woman may wind up living with or marrying your husband and becoming your child’s stepparent. Don’t disparage her. How she treats your child is all that matters where that is concerned. Maybe she’ll be very loving toward your child and your child will love her back. That’s what you want, I hope. Anything less would be tormenting agony.
Best of luck…..remember no one plotted and planned to so deeply hurt anybody in this scenario. Really, they didn’t.
Keep in mind that the “other woman” had the rotten luck of falling in love with someone who happened to be married. You know what it feels like to fall in love or be involved with a man. It’s not so easy….not so easy to turn and walk away. The other woman probably feels horrible that you and your son are hurting. But her feeling horrible isn’t enough. She is already too involved with your husband and all she can think about is what she’s feeling.
We each have to take care of ourselves emotionally. Many times the person who is unfaithful can also point out things in their husband or wife that aren’t so morally correct as well. Many times it is each person who is at fault in a marriage when one spouse strays. The one who strayed just fell into available open arms as a way to feel better. Not good idea, but people are human and gravitate toward love and what feels good.
Men (and women) who choose to cheat do not always love and respect their spouse either. Sometimes they don’t want to be with that person any longer, but still live together because they are still married. Divorce is a financially devastating and life-changing experience. But it doesn’t mean they disrespect their lover they’ve been cheating with. Maybe they cannot stand their husband or wife and love their forbidden boyfriend or girlfriend.
They don’t always have their spouse as #1, true love, in their hearts.
Cheating is a symptom of a diseased relationship.
One final comment (I talked too long).
Your only concern needs to be with the relationship between you and your husband. NOT the other woman. Aside from your child, I mean. Your children come first at all times.
But speaking about your marriage I mean.
The other woman has absolutely nothing to do with what you and your husband are going through. Nothing at all.
My husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 8months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but i decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then i went online there i saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose website is vadoospell@gmail.com so i had to contact him and in just 5days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to.
I cant thank the spell caster enough what what he did for me, i am so grateful.
Thanks.
Elly
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@Soo: I could not disagree more, and cheating on a spouse is not at ALL the same as going out with a single, available person who broke up with someone who is taking the break up hard. One is committed, the other isn’t, and the minute another woman decides to stretch a marriage to include herself – invited or not, and certainly spending time with a married man is including herself in his marriage – deserves all the scorn and lack of capital letters that occur. Nothing “just happens”. People make choices and are not entitled to be free of judgment when those choices hurt other people, and they certainly aren’t entitled to care for a child if the child’s mother decides she, for whatever reason, would be a bad influence. You are astoundingly harsh and unfeeling in your comments and I hope you see that someday.
@Mia: May you move on and find someone who can happily and properly love you and your son.
I have already submitted your name and pictures to my gods and you have to understand that this is Africa. and Africa voodoo never fail now i will need to clear your name and that
of your partner from my temple, i give you just 2 days to make sure you come up with the amount that were ask to pay for the items cause you have come to my temple to tempt power of the great vadoo and his historical power.
If you do not come and clear them off then you will leave me with no choice than to change mind in what you have ever worked for in life, Your work, your partner, because you
are one of those that come to peoples temple and think you can do anything you like, cause you came to me for help and i do not know you so i have already made up my mind to help you and now you think you can go without appealing to the gods of fire, stone, and thunder.
try me and see.
Thank you thank you DR ABULU for the good work you just did in my life , my name is Priscilla i was married to my husband for two years and we were living together happily and we both love each other for this two year not until one bad evening when i came back from work late due to scares of transportation and he started queering and he said he does not trust me anymore and he can continue with this marriage anymore and he drove me away from his house unknowingly to him that i was carrying his two month old baby inside me i tried informing he but he won,t listen to me anymore i thought i will never get him back again and i loved him so much and i promise not to rest until am able to get him back to my life so i began to look for a solution and help to get him back this was because i do not want to give birth to a fatherless child so one afternoon as i was browsing on my computer i came across a testimony shared by miss Rachael from UK how she got his ex husband back with the help of Dr abulu of (abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com) so i decided to give him a try and to my best surprise the spell this man cast on my husband work just within two days i contacted him . and today am happily living with my husband and a bouncing baby boy , with all this help rendered to me through this DR ABULU OF (abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com )i will always thank him forever and testify his goodness in my life for other,s to hear an see , once again thank you DR for bringing back my family ,
having my lover back was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I have been dating my lover for 3yrs now, we have never had a misunderstanding that would lead to us leaving each other till last month when my lover accused me of cheating when am not, his jealousy turned us apart. Everytime i message him or call him he tells me to go and meet my new boyfriend that he has found himself a girlfriend too, I was so depressed that i could not take it any more then i told a friend what i was going through. That was how i was introduced to a lady called priestess Ifaa online who they say it does spells. I told her all that happened and. The spell lady said that i shouldn’t worry that she’s going to restore my happiness At first I didn’t want to believe her when she said my lover is now dating someone else that’s why he is looking for an excuse to leave. She was right on because after she has done the spell to return my lover to me the other girl was trying to intrude into our relationship again that was when my lover beats her up and warned her never to come closer ever again. The lady spells worked to the fullness, you can contact her on this email priestessifaa@yahoo.com You will not be disappointed in ordering a spell from her.
Few weks ago My girlfriend told me that she was fed up, so she packed her stuff and left me while I was taking a walk to cool off. When I got back, I was so messed up because i don’t even know what to do, it was like my whole life is coming to an end. That night I drove to a friend’s house and he was nice enough give me a description of a woman who do spell that could bring her back for me. He said this spell lady brought his fiancee back to him after 2days. the spell lady email is priestessifaa@yahoo.com, it was this spell lady that then did a spell and brought claire back to my life. she was now so humble and calm, she was respectful and lovely even more than i can imagine. This spell lady is really strong and accountable. i never regret anything through her. meet her if you need help in your love life.
Hi law, i have heard so much about this spell lady. Even some of my friends had made mention of her once or twice, how powerful is she?
First of all,I want to thank dr khakani for what he has done for me, Am so happy today and i have stopped thinking. After my husband steve left me for another woman he said i was not good enough and that he hates me, i cried because i really loved steve with all my heart. Then i decided to come online and look for a spell caster to help me bring back steve, All they kept doing was to scam me off my money. Until God directed Dr khakani to me. At first when i met dr khakani i was thinking he also wants to scam me off my money, But he told me to give him a chance that what will he gain if he adds pain to my pain,That all he want his my happiness. So i decided to give him a chance, and he told me that steve will be back to my arms within 48hours,i said okay truly when dr khakani casted this spell my lover steve called me and said he wanted to tell me something i was shocked, He told me that i should forgive him, That he loves me with all his heart and promise never to leave me. Dr khakani also told me that ones steve comes back to me he is going to buy me a gift. Steve Bought me a Brand New Car, And i also had access to his account to prove to me that he will never leave me. You can contact dr khakani for help and he will never disappoint you. His email khakanibestsolutioncentre@gmail.com Or cell Number +2348062216903
Name: Nancy betty
Country: United kingdom
I stated having problem with my husband when I found I was pregnant with my third child in April. I was torn, because I found out in the Fall of last year, my husband is having an affair, and the other woman is pregnant, due this summer. I was devasted, shocked and saddened. He promised he would stop seeing her and devote his life to me and our kids. Well it didn’t happen, and I didn’t think it was fair to bring another child into such an unstable environment. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I think I made the right decision for me and my kids because i met a woman who do spell with email priestessifaa@yahoo.com, she assured me of having my husband back in full and he would stop seeing the other woman, I could not bear the pain i allowed her to work for me and in 2days after she has done the spell, the other lady was then history it was shocking any way, she had miscarriage and hence forth never had anything to do with my husband,. This is something I will carry in my heart forever and be thankful to priestess Ifaa for bringing happiness back to my family!!!
Yes I got my lover back through Dr Wicca.. My wife left me six months ago. The longer she’s gone, the more I see what a jerk I was. At first, I blamed her for leaving. I told her she was ‘wrong’. In fact, I slapped Scripture on her, trying to guilt-induce her any way I could. My anger only pushed her farther away. I can’t believe the way I acted. My wife gave me chance after chance, and I ignored her.
I contacted Dr Wicca and within a few minutes of speaking with him, I realized that Dr Wicca was the one person whom I could completely trust.
Within 48 hours, My wife is back in my life. I can’t thank him enough and I will use Dr. Wicca again for further work in the future. You can contact him on dr.wiccahightemple@gmail.com his personal cell# +2348097350565.
David Kent from USA.
My name is Vivian from Germany i want to share a testimony with you about how i get my ex back. i met this great spell cater who help me to cast a spell on my ex and he told me that he is going to come back to me within three days. and i followed the instruction given to me by Dr. okuter. when it got to the third day my ex came back to me begging on his knees to please forgive him that he was under a spell of another girl and now we are happy together again as before i want to say a very great thank you to Dr okuterspell for helping me bring my ex you can contact him for your own help with this mail (holymanlacalovetemple@gmail.com or phone i assure you if you contact him he will bring back your joy that you have lost……
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Hello everyone my mouth is full of testimony I was help by Dr asika. I have been married for four 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have be suffering until I meet a post where this man Dr asika who have helped someone and I decided to give him a try to help me bring my Husband home and believe me I just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me, my husband drove home by his self apologizing that I should forgive him, now my husband has show me love more than ever I am happy knowing Dr asika. So if you know you have these kinds of problem contact my papa through his private email: asikaspelltemple@yahoo.com. And your heart desire will be granted.
I found Dr. Abu on the web when my finances were in real trouble. My husband had gambled away most of our savings, I had no job, and we were facing foreclosure. I needed a money spell from Dr. Abu, and quick. I can’t believe how understanding he was. After ordering the spell, I felt much more confident that things would turn out. Believe it or not, it did. I won $150,000.00 the following week, found a high paying job and my husband went into treatment for gambling addiction. We’re doing much better now and we get to keep the house. Thank you, Dr. Abu, for being there when my heart needed it the most. If you need help in any area of your life just contact this good man and he will help you at once. Contact him via: Ominighospelltemple@gmail.com and also reach him on Skype via: Dr.abu11
Its because the other woman is a narcisstic selfish cruel person. I had my home destroyed too. This young floosy nothing better to do. My husband moved her into the home saying she was his business partner. We argued saying she had to go everyone was telling me outside they were going out behind my back. My kids were hungry utilities shut off because he spent money for trips. The problem was he would get custody of the kids in his country and his relatives would do that. So I lived for my kids I hope karma finds this slut my girls have problems with trusting men and they grew up thinking they were unloved. These women are low life no feelings they are both to blame.
Nice post. I learn something new and challenging on sites I stumbleupon on a daily basis.
It’s always interesting to read articles from other writers and practice a little something from their web sites.