Deal breakers

by mssinglemama on December 9, 2008

What are yours?

We’ve talked about red flags before… but once you’ve let him in – given him the green light – what are the little things or big things that break the deal? I’d imagine our deal breakers, as single moms, are a bit tougher than the single and childless.

Here are mine:

1. Inability to read a newspaper or converse about the world at large

2. Breaking a promise

3. Living without any sense of direction, hope, dreams or goals

4. Not loving Benjamin almost as much as I do – (because loving him as much as I do would be impossible).

I’m sorry my blog has been quiet lately. I’ve been distracted. In a good way and now in a bad way. All will be right soon enough. Just need to catch up on some sleep and find some words.

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

MySingleMomLife December 9, 2008 at 9:25 pm


*Being his everything. He to have an identity of his own.
*Words used carelessly…repeatedly – When sorry is just another word.

There’s a lot more. But the more time goes on, the redder the flags become. They’re easier to see…eventually.

Hugs to you.


badmuthablogger December 9, 2008 at 10:23 pm

I agree wholeheartedly with your deal-breakers, and add the following of my own:

1. Any kind of drug or alcohol dependencies
2. Lack of sense of humour
3. Not having any money (I’ve done my stint at supporting my partner, don’t want to go down that road again)
4. Breaking his word or agreements
5. Giving me unwarranted advice on parenting

I’m sure I could come up with a longer list, but these are my first thoughts. Being a single mum (and on older mum) makes me a LOT more street smart and picky when it comes to finding a mate.

Sleep well!


Bridgette December 10, 2008 at 1:06 am

My babys dad really made me put my guard up and get some high standards. Just a few of the things I’m especially concerned about right now are ..

*Drug/Alcohol Addiction
*Anytime my gut screams to me “NO! SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT!”
*Makes excuses for not having a job.

Had I fled at the first signs of these things I would not have gotten very far with him. Now thats its me AND my child I wanna make sure he or she will never have a person like this in their lives either cause it’s just going down a long road ..


Angie December 10, 2008 at 3:52 am

Breaking a promise….does that mean you and Mr. Man are Kaput?

Mentally Unstable.


SingleParentDad December 10, 2008 at 4:10 am

I won’t repeat my twitter gag, that can be left where it is.

Honesty, and I think breaking promises comes into that, by not making them if they can’t be kept. It renders any negotiations worthless.

Insufficient fiscal aptitude. And I don’t mean they have to be rich, they just have to be good with whatever they have.


mssinglemama December 10, 2008 at 6:45 am

These are awesome…

And things like drug dependency and fiscal irresponsibility are things you can only notice over time, in patterns… that’s the tricky part. So what begin as little nagging red flags can soon become deal breakers.

It’s why we have to keep our heads about us as dating single parents.

Angie; I’m afraid it’s not looking good for Mr. Man and I… again, once I find the words.


Dawn December 10, 2008 at 7:41 am

Trust yourself. Time allows all things to unfold … the truth you seek will become known. Deep down you know that. Without reacting what so ever to these ‘red flags’ … take a step back (just as you are) and let time tell you what you need to know and do (or not do).

No need to alarm Mr. Man with a line of questioning … just hang back a notch or two. He may have some questions of his own he needs to answer. Allow that.



T December 10, 2008 at 8:07 am

Oh Alaina… I’m so sorry to hear. 🙁

Red flags for me:

*Unforgiving of past relationships
*Disrespect for women, i.e. says things like “She’s just being a woman!”…. like we’re all lumped into a category of “bitch”
*Being too secretive

Hang in there. ((hugs))


fraizerbaz December 10, 2008 at 8:19 am

I tell all with whom I get involved that abuse (toward myself or my daughter) or deception will not be tolerated.

A man with whom I got involved last year was hiding a huge secret. He had an ex-wife and a daughter that he did not tell me about. He lied and told me that he had no biological children, but my investigations proved otherwise. By the way, there is NOTHING wrong with checking someone out, ladies. Like I always say – Do not hesitate to investigate.


trl December 10, 2008 at 8:30 am

awhh . . . sending a hug from the illicit state of IL!
Deal breakers besides the great ones listed already:

– not funny
– non reciprocal communicator
– unreliable, inconsistent and unpredictable
– unsupportive
– can’t handle a crisis
– can’t make a plan


Lisa D December 10, 2008 at 8:33 am

Here are my deal-breakers:

1. Disrespect (sort of a generalization, but it covers all sorts of behavior)
2. Not respecting my religious beliefs – he doesn’t have to attend Mass with me, but I don’t want him putting down my faith.
3. A pattern of broken promises – I understand if he has to cancel occasionally, but if I can’t count on him, it’s not going to work.
4. Not supporting me emotionally

* It’s really hard to put deal-breakers into words. I need to pay more attention to that gut instinct that I believe we all have… When I was dating my last boyfriend, we went to dinner w/ my cousin & her husband. After we broke up, she told me her husband said my boyfriend teased me in a ‘not nice way’ – he said there was a mean undertone to his comments. I’m a sarcastic person by nature, but now I know I need to pay more attention to those little underhanded comments.

I am sorry to hear things might have turned sour with you & Mr. Man. Take all the time you need to sort through what you are feeling. I’ll keep you in my thoughts & prayers.


Wyliekat December 10, 2008 at 9:31 am

I guess it depends on how far you’ve let someone in – if you’ve made a committment to someone, there can’t be a “dealbreaker” per se. Not that anyone should transform into a doormat, but a commitment means that you have to work at repairing the damage done by a “dealbreaker” and try to move past it – if you can’t, then it’s not so much the dealbreaker itself that broke things, but the fact that you, as a couple, couldn’t heal from it.

All that said, if we’re talking before the commitment – I think respect is the biggest one – once you’ve lost respect, it’s pretty damned hard to get it back. Not impossible, but very difficult. And if you’re not committed to someone, why would you put up with a lack of respect? Life’s too short and new relationships should not require the amount of work that a committed relationship does.


Sheila December 10, 2008 at 9:52 am

Alaina – I’m sorry. ((HUGS))


above average joe December 10, 2008 at 10:23 am

Putting work before family.


JOLENE December 10, 2008 at 10:38 am

Deal Breakers

– Causing fear. If at any point I am afraid… it’s off, that’s over, it’s done and trust me it does not take much for me to go into fear (fight or flight) mode.
-Bad kisser or someone who does not kiss at all. I was married for 7 years to someone who hated kissing of any kind and would not do it. Huge Deal Breaker!
-Acting your own age… If you are in your late 20’s early 30’s… do you really need to spend a whole day playing video games?
-Video games in general… I hate them and don’t see the point of them once you are past the age of 14.
-Putting friends before family.
-Lying… the worst is when they lie and don’t even know it… like when they are telling a story to friends or family and it is compleatly different then what really happened.
-Men who talk too much! Over think things! Constintaly concerned with the “what if’s” of life and that is all they can talk about.

This is fun! 🙂


Sheila December 10, 2008 at 10:41 am

Jolene, we were married to the same man!


Julie December 10, 2008 at 10:44 am

Lying and cheating are my biggest deal breakers. I will not tolerate either of those. No one should have to put up with those in a relationship.


pisceshanna December 10, 2008 at 12:29 pm

Aww Pooky, are there some fires in heaven? I hope he didn’t break a promise to you, because I would have to kick is ass.

I started writing all my dealbreakers,but I think I might need my own post.

Hang in there 🙂


Single Mom in New England December 10, 2008 at 12:44 pm

These are unfortunately actual deal breakers that I have had to deal with in life, set here for your laughing amusement:
1. Letting your mother do your laundry at age 38
2. Calling your mother from my house, after spending the night with me (even better, this was a different man than no.1)
3. A superior attitude regarding religion
4. And the no. 1 dealbreaker of all time, as horrible and honest as it is, is A Small P*nis.


jenn December 10, 2008 at 3:23 pm

I agree with Pisceshanna, I would need to write a whole post about this. But all of your deal breakers are deal breakers for me also.


cyndi December 10, 2008 at 7:21 pm

Hunting/Fishing – just can’t deal with it.
Not a college grad – not one I’ve enforced in the past but not see the value of.
Victim mentality or negativity
Yelling & name calling
Any type of drug use
Video games
Cars modified to have giant tires as tall as my house

My list gets longer and longer the older I get


Leah December 10, 2008 at 8:24 pm

These cracked me up and made me sad because there are just. so. many dealbreakers aren’t there?

I echo all of the above…and would add stinginess, my own personal fave. The last guy I was in a ltr with was cheap. Oh, that was so sucky…


PT-LawMom December 10, 2008 at 10:52 pm

Alaina, I am so sorry. 🙁

Mine (which I tweeted your way but will now repost here)
intolerance, lying, rudeness, yelling, jealousy, short, too hairy, mean, humorless, illiterate, music-hater

Adding: unsupportive, uneducated, unwilling to eat any type of healthy food


Juggle Jane December 10, 2008 at 11:12 pm

Long time lurker coming out of hiding to say I’m sorry about the Mr. Man developments. ::hugs::

My dealbreaker? Lying. Seems simple enough, right?


Angie December 11, 2008 at 7:22 pm

Alaina, I’m sorry to hear about Mr. Man. Hang in there!

my dealbreakers in addition to those listed above

Thinking of themselves first
mentally unstable family member (think needy mother)


Serenadragon January 17, 2009 at 9:06 am

Mine are similar to quite a few already listed here

Drug or Alcohol dependency
Financial irresponsibility
Familial irresponsibility – if they don’t care about their own family why would I want to let them into mine?
Anger management issues


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