Single Mom S.O.S.: Will I make it?

by mssinglemama on December 2, 2008

I sat down in front of my therapist this week – more on that later- but one of the first things she said to me was, “Do you know how courageous it was for you to do that, to leave like that when your son was just 4-months-old? Good for you, kiddo!”

She calls me kiddo, which I think is kind of cool. I’m not even sure if I should call her a therapist – more like a Godsend. Back to my point. Becoming single mothers, whether by choice or force, is incredibly courageous and incredibly frightening at the same time.

This comment came in today from Almost Single to my post on “Should I Leave My Husband?“. She’s a soon to be single mom who isn’t quite sure how she will make it, something I know I felt when I first became a single mom. Just read this (should sound very familiar):

So how do you move on, become a single mama, when you’re not ready to let go? I admire your strength, and I know I’ve been strong enough thus far. But I wonder if what’s keeping me going is my nerves? Waiting for the other shoe to drop is definitely a means of keeping me on my toes. What happens when that energy wears out? Or, worse, what happens when that other shoe does drop, and it breaks me? I wonder if it’d be easier to just let go, but so far it’s been easier to just close my eyes to those moments you speak of and keep telling myself there’s hope. How pathetic, right? What a woman will do? Thank you so much for sharing so intimately, and for letting so many of us share back.

First, your nerves are keeping you going. I believe it is a physical thing, a mama bear thing. You just have to keep going. There isn’t any other choice. And those nerves, guts or what have you will keep you going for as long as you need them to… and you will only be broken if you believe you’ll be broken. First rule of single motherhood: don’t write yourself a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And, yes, at times – in those days or weeks when you feel you can’t go on – hope is the only thing we do have. But there’s nothing pathetic about that, nothing at all. Hope springs eternal, right?

Bring on the hope, baby!

Remember, I started this blog after one entire year of being a single mom, much of what you read here are the optimistic ramblings of a seasoned single mama. That first year is so dark, I rarely return, keeping most of it buried.

One memory I’ll never forget is looking at Benjamin while the rest of my world crumbled around me. There he was in his bath, gooing and gaaing – happy as a little bug, and then it hit me, “My world is falling apart, but he is fine. He is just fine. At least I have that, at least he is okay.” From that day on, in my darkest moments, I just looked at my smiling baby and felt like all was right.

I’m not sure how old your children are and I’m not saying divorce doesn’t hurt children, it does, but I’m sure the way the mama bear handles that divorce has a direct impact on how her children handle the divorce. So keep your chin up, for their sake, and then you’ll find your spirits rising too.

Everything will be okay. I promise.

Anyone else have advice for a newly single mom? If you have a second, share one of your first year memories – the worst, the best?

Related posts:

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  3. Single Mom S.O.S.: Her ex wants full custody!
  4. Single Mom Rules to Live By? Ideas?
  5. Single Mamas for Obama

{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }

Heidi December 2, 2008 at 3:06 pm

The first year is scary and hard. I got through it by just pushing ahead no matter how difficult it seemed. I also had an amazing therapist who was constantly pointing out to me the wonderful progress I was making. It was a huge boost to my self-esteem and made me truly believe that I could do this!

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Erin December 2, 2008 at 3:09 pm

She will make it. It is so hard and so courageous. In my first year, I felt like you did Alaina, the world was crashing around me and here was this tiny little baby, so innocent and precious. My daughter gave me strength, to know that this was all for her. The woman who asked that question isn’t pathetic, she is strong, and I admire her and every single mom in the universe. In my first year I remember lying in bed at night, thinking to myself “How did I get here?” but then I would get an overwhelming feeling of calm over my entire body. I believe this is the universe, God, or whatever you want to call it telling me that I had made the right choice. I would awake in the morning to a beautiful baby daughter and know, that in the future she will know that her mom did the best she could and did it all for her. Hang in there, and Alaina, thank you for your blog and all the wonderful things you put on here. You help so many people including me and I am eternally grateful for it!

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MindyMom December 2, 2008 at 3:38 pm

I’m a single mom twice over – once after my divorce and then years later, after another relationship ended before I knew I was pregnant with my fourth child. I was going through a turbulant break up, a pregancy and still had to hold it together for my other three kids. It was probably the toughest year of my life. My youngest’s father was very negative and unsupportive, as well as emotional abusive. I got through it and now my daughter is three. She is a blessing and me and my kids can’t imagine our lives without her in it. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Us moms can rise to any challenge.

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Giyen December 2, 2008 at 3:53 pm

I always thought that staying was even scarier than leaving. : )

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emma medford November 26, 2010 at 7:59 am

ur message really shone out,ive just become a s-m 2 5 kids.its only week 3 im doing really well,but im afraid im going to crash and burn?im not scared to be on my owm but scared to be without him.we were together just shy a month off 16 years,i miss my bestfriend the most.we stopped being lovers years ago.will i make it with my kids being old enough to feel the pain,watching my 9 year old cry kills me.help.

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Nikki December 2, 2008 at 5:04 pm

I’ve only known single motherhood. I was left pretty much immediatly after I found out I was pregnant. I’ll say the first 2 years was the most difficult because pregnancy hormones need stability, and pregnancy and singleness do not create balance. But I had the love and support of a church family that loves me and my baby to be, to our core. It didn’t fill the void(s), but it was more than I could have ever imagined. I don’t know what I would have done without them.

The first year after she was born was a battle of losing thy-self. Because when you have a baby, your life is no longer yours. I was okay with this…but I had to do it in double time since I didn’t have extra hands to share. Its the process of working through it that is painful. But now, its like I’ve truly never known anything but single motherhood. Like…I’ve always had her and its always been just us. It is exhausting, but the very best (selfishly) part of it all is that she is all MINE. I get to see all of her firsts and I get to explode with joy about how darned cute and fun she is. All mine cute and fun! :O)

Life is exhausting. But how much fuller it is to laugh and giggle and dance right in the middle of all the tired’s with the very angels we’ve been blessed with in the middle of the chaos. :O)

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Jojo's Mama December 2, 2008 at 5:34 pm

With time it gets easier, and your child will be happy as long as your happy.

It’s very important to surround yourself with positive helpful people, it helps allot knowing that you have that support, and it helps knowing that you’re not alone.

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Sheila December 2, 2008 at 6:53 pm

It does get easier over time, it really does. But most importantly, you have to take one foot step at a time.

You will get your strength from your child and you will be amazed by how much that will keep you going.

Another thing that really SAVED me was seeking professional help and going on a low dose of an antidepressant right after my ex husband left. This was nothing less than a miracle for me … I was so anti-medication before, but looking back, I was on such a downward spiral and nothing else would have helped me.

Times are really tough the first year — I’m still at month 10 of that first year, but seek out a support system, either online or in real life.

Just seeing emails from friends/supporters keeps me going!

Another thing — my ex is a much better parent to our son now that we’re divorced than if we had stayed together. in fact, I’M a better parent this way — right before my ex left, we were getting in terrible fights in front of the baby, and luckily he was young enough to not know anything, but still … I am so grateful to be divorced!

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Heather December 2, 2008 at 6:56 pm

I’m just coming out of the first year (holy cow). I wish I had some profound nugget of advice to share, but I don’t. It’s been hard. It’s still hard. But I’ve also had some of the greatest moments of my life this past year. I’ve learned how strong and capable I am.

I agee that you just keep going. You get out of bed every day and continue to move forward. Sometimes you won’t have the energy to trek on, and you’ll stay put for a few days (or weeks). There will even be times that you fall back a few steps. But you just pick yourself up and continue on.

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Zoeyjane December 2, 2008 at 7:18 pm

I had a similar moment as you, seeing my daughter just keeping on, without crumbling or melancholy as part of her aura. It was the thing that convinced me that we, and I, would be okay. Really, I’ve heard it from a lot of moms, the kids always seem to save us.

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Laura December 2, 2008 at 8:13 pm

I have to agree that first year is dark and lonely and scary!

I also remember very little about what happened that year! I was on auto pilot doing what needed to be done for the kids!

But it gets better, you get stronger, happier and realise its all going to be just fine :)

The key for me was support – my friends, my family even my colleagues. I leaned on people I never thought would support me they way they did! And its largely thanks to them I got thro it sane!

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cyndi December 2, 2008 at 8:34 pm

I touched on this recently.

http://lilcyndiluwho.wordpress.com/2008/11/24/good-riddance/

The first year is HORRIBLE! But you can’t let yourself get stuck in the thought that it will be that way forever because you do slowly evolve out of the darkness. It takes as long as it takes, but it happens.

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T December 2, 2008 at 8:36 pm

Its true. And so many people say, “I don’t know how you do it!”

Don’t we have a single parent mantra now that says, “We do what we do because we have to!”

We don’t even think about it! And it is SO good to know you’re not alone. Maybe she should see if there are single parent meetup groups on Meetup.com or some sort of divorce support group at her church. She needs to be around others who’ve done it. (though I didn’t have that until my blog)

The first year? Oh my… I was so angry and resentful. I felt awful for the way I resented my situation. Oh and yes, the kids will handle it just the way you do.

Good luck!

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amber December 2, 2008 at 9:11 pm

I ran on pure love for my daughter for weeks. I never thought id have an appetite or smile again. But then one day, i did. And i was never so thankful for anything in my life. You will make it without him. You will survive and THRIVE as a single mom. Lean on friends when you need to, but know that soon the good days will be more and more frequent. One day you will wake up and say I did it, im doing it.

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O Solo Mama December 3, 2008 at 6:24 am

I’ve also known only single motherhood, but the first year was stressful as well as joyous. One thing that happens is that as you get through each day, you feel more capable and confident. Every day is another day you did it! Also, people can be wonderfully kind if you let them. You do need your network. You also do need to speak up and say, “Look this is my life and I need–” It works. I think the worst for me was the high-stress job I had when Simone was 1 – 2. I quit and went back to work for myself after those two years and I’ve worked at home since then and it’s been a real bonus.

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Samantha December 3, 2008 at 8:51 am

I started out as a single mom then got married and then divorced. Being a single mom in the first few years was very stressful but with the help of family and very good friends I survived.

You will make it if you can get past the roller coaster emotions. I think that ‘s the hardest part. Your feelings are all over the map, but once you get them under control you will be able to make good decisions (most of the time ;-) ) and be able to focus on who matters the most, you child.

You will need to practice a lot of self care so don’t neglect to soak a little longer in the tub or linger a little longer in the bed. Take a nap, but don’t stay there for days. Seek the safe haven of family and friends but maintain good boundaries too.

I wish you all the best!

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Mr Jacob May 31, 2013 at 4:53 am

Hi am looking for a woman to be called my wife and bear me 2 kids am a single man looking for a good woman that we understand me for whom i am and a woman that will really love me and shear good life time forever.this my email : max_jacob13@yahoo.com am really looking for serious dating

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PT-LawMom December 3, 2008 at 9:26 am

Oh, I am so there. This first six months has suuuccckkked. And no one around me seems to get it. I often feel like I am walking in a fog and wonder why the world keeps moving around me. I agree with MSM – you just have to keep going. I cannot even imagine where I’d be if I didn’t have my son. I get up and go to work because I know I have to support him. I keep a smile on my face because he is watching. Sure, I have a lot of dark moments but far fewer because I know I have to be Mommy first and woman second.

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Kelly December 3, 2008 at 11:15 am

I am lucky enough to have a lot of support from my family, and even lived with my parents for the first two years of my daughter’s life. So I don’t think the parenting part was as challenging in the beginning as it has been for a lot of others single moms. But the hard part for me was staying away from her father. There were so many times I wanted to pick up the phone and call him, but each time I’d look at my little girl, remember how bad things were with her father, and tell myself that she didn’t deserve to be a part of that and that I needed to love myself enough to stay away too. Now, I’d be fine never seeing him again. So you get past that.

Also, I recommend surrounding yourself with some great girlfriends. I joined a local chapter of Parents Without Partners for just that reason, and to this day (8 years later) I’m still very close to some of the women I met there. There is nothing like that love and support that you and your child can get from a set of really great friends. It’s like having an extended family.

Good luck!

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mssinglemama December 3, 2008 at 11:43 am

As always, can I just say – my readers are THE best resource for single moms… thank you so much everyone for these inspiring comments.

Almost single e-mailed me to tell me how much they have lifted her spirits!

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pisceshanna December 3, 2008 at 11:45 am

I’ve rounded the bend of my first Single Mom anniversary. One year ago I moved into my own apartment, got promoted at my job and slowly started recovering from hearing the infamous “I just never loved you” statement that solidified my place as a single mom.

I wrote about the feeling of impending meltdown last January: http://pisceshanna.wordpress.com/2008/01/03/spiritual-insights-into-2008/

Its amazing how far I’ve come.

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Leah December 3, 2008 at 8:21 pm

Wow – what is it about the fall? This is my one year anniversary as a single mom too!

I remember 2 years ago, when we first separated, I was literally afraid to be in the house by myself. I had this irrational fear that someone would break in and kill me and my son. Now… I don’t even think about it. Not one bit. I’ve come a long way, baby. If I can do it, anyone can!

Time is a wonderful thing, along with amazing communities of other single parents :)

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Solomother December 4, 2008 at 9:04 pm

The first year is hard. The fifth year is probably hard, too, but in so many different, wonderful ways.

In the first year, surrender. Take help that is offered, build a tribe, and be gentle with yourself.

Surrender. Stop fighting everything you can’t change, can’t stand, can’t can’t can’t. Let it pass through you and surrender. It’s an amazing feeling.

In a couple of years, she can experience that bewildering panic that comes with the realization that she’s not surviving anymore… but doesn’t yet know how to thrive. It’s a heady place to get to. And to get through!

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Almost Single (aka Roxanne) December 5, 2008 at 1:09 am

You all have no idea how much you’ve helped me move past this first phase of my situation.

My thoughts for the past few months have been riddled with ideas of “this isn’t how this was supposed to go.” I couldn’t let go of how heartbroken I was that I’m not part of the happy little family I wanted for so long. I was so adamant about not letting go that I was looking past all of the very legitimate reasons TO let go.

But knowing I’m strong enough to get through this, and knowing I’m not the only one who’s had to withstand such an unfortunate situation , has brought me to a point where I finally WANT to let go. I finally WANT to move on.

My little boy is only 3 months old. I have the option here to give him a happy life, and that’s what I’m going to concentrate on. But I won’t forget myself in all of this. I need to learn to treat myself better, stop setting myself up for disappointment, and instead accept the calm and content feelings I’m experiencing as a positive reinforcement that I am capable. Just as all of you have been.

Again, you have no idea how you all have helped. Blogs are a wonderful thing. :)

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Ms. Single Mama December 5, 2008 at 6:57 am

Roxanne –

I’m SO happy for you…. YES!!!!!

It won’t be easy but seeing it that way – as your chance to give your son (and yourself) that happy life you’ve always dreamed about – is exactly where your head needs to be. And, believe me, it does get easier. Just like anything else – we adapt. You’ll be amazed at how much stronger you feel just a few months from now, not even to mention one year from now.

Keep me posted okay?

Alaina

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almostsingle777 December 5, 2008 at 9:20 am

I, too, am seriously contemplating leaving my husband. Our relationship is so toxic (wasn’t always). I know that I have contributed to this just as much as he has though I can’t take it anymore. I find I’m taking my frustration and anger toward him out on my 2 kids. I simply cannot continue anymore. I am always angry and hostile toward him. He can be mean to me and my kids (just listen to the way he talks to us), I feel that he does not respect me…and on and on.

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Nichole A December 6, 2008 at 9:39 am

wow. I think you said it best with don’t write a self -fulfilling prophecy. It’s true. The most important thing I have learned thru my experience of raising a son on my own is to never accept lower expectations. True things may be more difficult but to continue to strive for excellence and kindness is always at the forefront. Someone asked me a series of questions a few month ago and then told another person that I was playing the single mom card. A few years ago that would have floored me, today water off the back. There is a strengtth hat comes about, I would compare to a immigrant coming to america and assimilating. Lots of judgement, lots of the same old questions but most importantly with all of the things that come with that a humbling experience that we cannot control the externals but can only do our very best to raise our children. And most importantly choose our attitudes while we do this. Much luck.

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Wondermom December 18, 2008 at 8:07 pm

I know I’m coming in late on this one but I’m so far behind on my blogs. My ex and I separated twice for a few weeks at a time before I finally left for good. My boss was a single mother and she kept telling me that when it was time to go, I would know and have no doubts or second thoughts. I called her one Friday morning last April and told her I was leaving for good. She asked me what happened and I told her it was the strangest thing…there was no big fight, no earth-shattering event, I just knew it was over and I couldn’t go on that way any more. I found out after I left that he had been cheating on me. I’m sure he didn’t mean to give me this gift but through his words and attitudes and actions since I left, he has given me little room to doubt that I made the right choice. I know without question that I *had* to leave when I did.

I’m at 8 months now and I can honestly say that those first few months were some of the darkest and loneliest in my life. I was a single parent even when we married so I really had convinced myself that it would be no different alone. I was wrong. Even though he was emotionally abusive and distant and withdrawn, he was there and now I was alone. It really has been a roller coaster but the highs and lows are balancing out more now and I really can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

The biggest thing that has helped me has been the single parent blogosphere. I have friends and family in real life that care about me, but they don’t necessarily understand where I am right now. I was really starting to believe that I was the only person in the world who had ever been through this or felt the way I was feeling. Then I found the single mommy blogs and realized that I was not alone. I was not crazy. And best of all there was hope…I would get through this…not because I’m a super-hero but because I have to. I started my own blog about six months into my separation and it has been quite a ride. It has been extremely cathartic for me to write about my feelings and experiences and hopes and dreams and fears. I’ve kept my blog completely anonymous which is a pain sometimes but it is unbelievably liberating. And even through the veil of anonymity I’ve made some friends who have touched me very deeply. I would not be where I am right now without the support of my virtual friends.

To give you a little bit of hope and perspective, here’s a post I wrote the other day: http://wondermom-pickingupthepieces.blogspot.com/2008/12/upside-of-divorce.html .

Best of luck to you!

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Vijay Eswaran October 13, 2009 at 1:04 am

It warmed my heart just reading your blog.
:)
Keep up the good work.

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mom09 October 21, 2009 at 6:53 am

I’m about to leave. I’ve been married 20 years and in those 20 years my husband has put me through hell. He has been verbally abusive to me and is just hateful! I have spent my whole life making sure that everything I do makes him happy; nothing seems to work. I have 3 girls, ages 18, 14, and 4 and all of them are ready to get out and get away from their daddy too. It’s time, but I’m so afraid. I’m just a paraprofessional in my school system and I go to college full time too. I have a place to go (for free) but I’m so afraid I won’t even be able to pay the light bill. I really don’t make enough money. All I want is to be happy and for my girls to be happy. I don’t want to have to worry about HIM coming in and complaining about something every second. I just want to be happy. Please ladies, help me through this.

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minxjnx86 October 23, 2010 at 3:18 pm

To (mom09) That is just what I’m going throe but I have just one son (15monts old) and I’m not married but I have been with the same guy for 2 years and before that I was with my high school not so sweet heart for 6 years.
I lost my job back in 0ct2008 and haven’t found another job since then.
I also have no car ,no income so I feel as tho I cant leave because I have no way to keep me and my son alive.
But I hate walking on eggshells every day just to keep him happy and I have notice that I have to do more and give more so me and my son wont get thrown out on to the street!
If he is in the same room with me for more than 5min on average he gets all mad at me and or my son and now its even in front of his friends.
I hate it because I don’t have any friends out hear and the ones I do have are 3 hours drive away.
All I want it a great paying job that last a very long time so I can save up money to get out and get a place and a car of my own .
I keep looking at all of these outher young couples and I think to myself gee it would be nice to have a guy that is only 4 years older than me and be married and happy with no worries or fear of being out on the street poor and broke .

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carolynk January 13, 2010 at 8:09 am

I’ve been divorced 6 years now and finally got custody of my daughter. It’s been rough years of battles and it feels like i’m a mom for the first time again. I wouldn’t give any of this hardship up for the world… Living without my daughter was so incomplete and now i realise the mother and child bond is so strong. There are days where her wisdom and care astound me and i am so grateful for this child.

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Jewel February 12, 2010 at 7:00 pm

First, it is so important to have a support system- that might be emotional, financial, physical or any combination of the above. I have friends that reached out and offered me their homes for as long as I needed when I first left and I lost my job and health insurance when I was pregnant. I had two wonderful supportive people in the delivery room with me. I had more visitors in the hospital than any other baby born in the year 2009 in that hospital I think. I lived with a dear friend for a month while I searched, interviewed and found the perfect job. A single mama friend of mine described the first year with an infant as “isolating.” That has been the case for me, as I moved to a new city where snow has kept me from visiting the few people I know and most of the people I know aren’t really interested in having me (and a baby) tagging along. BUT there are a lot of people I can call when I have a bad day. I tell people that I couldn’t raise my baby without the wonderful day care provider I found. I LOVE being a mom and that is my drive in life now. Sometimes I have a bad day or a few bad moments; I’ve even cried in front of my baby…and guess what…she doesn’t understand my tears….she giggles out loud…and I just have to laugh!

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Tereza December 15, 2010 at 11:51 am

Going through the tough times now..My boyfireind and i of 10 years broke up, we have a 5 year old son. Tried to reconcile but he met someone else and told me he just didnt love me anymore. Sucks!! It definently helps reading what everyone else is going through and that it does get easier! Thanks ladies!

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crystal December 18, 2010 at 11:15 pm

wow, today i lost my wallet while out Christmas shopping, with just me AS ALWAYS and my 13 month old son I found myself so stressed, overworked, forgetful and while trying to buckle him ( unwillingly ) into his car seat must have left my wallet in the cart or possible on the roof of my car. I decided to get online and find a blog ( first time ) because im not mad that i forgot or misplaced the wallet, im upset because it reminds me that I am alone, overworked, stressed and thats why i lost the wallet. I just balled my head off reading all of your stories….this is exactly what I needed to know…that im not alone at all thank you : )

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Katherine April 5, 2011 at 3:49 pm

I am an newly single parent (of about a week so far). I’m 21 years old, so I’m fairly young. I’m going through so much sadness right now. I feel worthless, empty, and hopeless. I feel like why wasn’t I good enough to be with? My son is 4 years old and he won’t have a father to play with and teach him things. (His father doesn’t want to be in my sons life anymore) I am so worried about being alone. I wonder who will love me and my son? My life is over I think to myself. I am 21 years old with a 4 year old, I don’t have an ideal life to offer someone. Please if anyone can give me some advice any advice to heal or to move on I’d really appreciate it.

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Mommionaire April 9, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Katherine, dear Katherine…

Honey your life is not over. Yes, you’re hurt, confused, frustrated, and fearful. But that will not always be the case. I want you to accept that the past could not have been any different than how it was. You were meant to meet, to have your son, and for things to end just the way they have. You are growing in a way you have yet to understand.

If you, like me and everyone else, choose to spend your days and nights thinking about all of the hopes and dreams that you once had and how they will not come to fruition now you will miss out on the opportunity to create new hopes and dreams, ones that are much bigger and brighter than those you’ve already thought up.

You can choose to make each day a gift or a curse. You can choose to make each day a fresh beginning or a painful ending.

I am one month into the separation of my 11 year marriage. I am 29 years old, with three children ages 8, 4, and 2. I know that being happy is a challenge, to say the least, right now. So what I have done is thought up things that would make me feel happy. I create a plan of action for every day, the night before. And, I force myself to stick to my plan. I know that I can not rely on my mind or emotions right now.

My action plan for tomorrow:

- Wake up and make a great breakfast for me and my children. Play feel good music and let the aroma of bacon fill up every room and wake everyone up.

- Pray and eat together.

- Break out into a “spontaneous” dance routine and find joy in how silly the kids think their mommy is.

- Take a shower. Spend some extra time making my hair look nice.

- Go to church.

- Convince my dad to start up the grill and bbq some chicken. (This isn’t a very hard thing to do considering any and every time–including during blizzards– is perfect for grilling to my dad. lol) Have Sunday dinner with parents.

- Come home. Get kids ready for Monday. Bedtime for kiddies.

- Get caught up on work; prepare for Monday meeting with glass of moscato and one of pandora’s R&B stations.

- Blog & write out Monday’s action plan.

- Pray. Lights out for Mommy.

By creating my action plan, I’m pre-wiring myself for happiness and I’m making a commitment to myself to get up and out, and to live life as God intended for me. I admit when I first began doing this, I spent lots of time just faking through my plan. But you know what they say, right? Fake it to you make it. And, I’m almost there. It has helped me remind myself that there are many things I still find joy in, without my husband. It’s affirmed for me that life is going to continue to happen whether I choose to shut down or choose to live.

Choose to live. Your son deserves a mom who chooses life, who has hope, and who believes with everything in her that he is going to have a great life. And, while you deserve to live a great life full of optimism, joy, and abundance– I completely understand that for now, and perhaps some time, your strength will come from your dedication as a mom. That’s okay– that is why children are God’s greatest gift. They have the ability to push us to live our best lives, without pushing us at all.

Create a road map for happiness, one day at a time– and soon you’ll know your way there without it.

I speak life, light, healing, and happiness into your life.

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Katherine April 11, 2011 at 9:28 am

Mommionaire…

Reading your words actually physically made me cry…right here sitting at my desk in the middle of a busy office..here I am crying. I am crying because you’re right. I’m so emotional because everyone was right. I’m still sad over the lost dreams. First I look at my beautiful son and I think to myself (well actually cry to myself) how can someone look at my son and say to me I don’t ever want to see you guys again. Take full stock of everything I and my son are and say..these past 4 years meant nothing and you guys meant nothing to me. I supported this person for years..and now I have nothing to show for it. I’m alone. I have my son, but I’m alone. I know I have to be strong for Jayden because he deserves more. He deserves me at my best. I know that this was meant to be. And I realize that there is a different plan for me. Bless you for being a single mother now to 3 children. I pray with you. Your reply to my comment really saved me..thank you…thank you for caring..thank you for taking the time. Your children are very lucky to have you.

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Mommionaire April 13, 2011 at 9:56 am

((((BIG MOMMY HUG))))

We can do this. There’s an amazing life in store for us as long as that’s the path we choose to take. I’m right there with you, sister. We’re going to be so much better for this!! =)

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newsinglemomof3 April 13, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Are you still on here Mommionaire? I just ran accross this blog last night and came back to it today and I just can’t stop reading all of the advice and love being poured out!

I have been separated from my husband for 14 months now, my children are 8, 5 and 2 (very close ages to yours). If you have a blog I’d love to read it too. I have a feeling this is just the beginning of a new addiction for me (blog reading) :)

It has been a very rough year, and many times I was feeling EXACTLY like Katherine and now I still have those feelings sometimes but they are less often. I’m ready to move forward now and I’m preparing and educating myself on divorce. I’m ready to close this chapter of waiting to see if he will make the changes to prove me and the children are his top priority instead of himself. He is not going to. I could rehash everything he’s done to me over the last 10 years of marriage (14 together) but I’m finally in a place of peace and can let all of that go :) I can forgive him for those things and I have learned that forgiveness doesn’t mean reconcilliation (getting back together) :)

I have come SOOOO Far in the past year! I am seeing the possibilities that lie ahead. Not many people get a SECOND CHANCE to make their life WHATEVER they want it to be!!! I DO!!! I am so lucky and blessed to be in this situation (sounds wierd huh?!) :) Even on food support from the county, barely able to pay my bills, no TV service or trash service and bouts of sadness from time to time, I KNOW that it wont be this way forever and every single day is a chance to move forward and make things better for my kids and I!

Single mamas…pat yourself on the back!! NO one knows unless they’ve been through it!! My favorite outfit always includes my big girl pants :)

Hugs and Prayers to all!!

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Mommionaire April 13, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Hi newsinglemomof3,

Yes, I’m still here! =) I can completely relate to your words. I love that you are seeing the light and I’m with you. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me– YET! I can feel it in every fiber in me. My life and the very core of my being is being transformed. I can say that the 11 years I’ve spent with my husband hasn’t been all bad, or even *that* bad. We built a great life together and have come so far from our humble beginnings as children of working class parents. I know that even better is in store for me and my children– and you know what else? Better is in store for him, too! We’re not the only ones learning all of these tough life lessons that will make us stronger, better, happier people. And, all I’ve ever wanted was the very best for him, too. I’m going to continue to pray for his genuine happiness. I have found that when I’ve been able to get through the layers of disappointment and resentment to that buried layer of love, it makes ME feel better. There is love there. I can admit that now without thinking I’m crazy or must desire, somewhere deep within me to get back together. lol

(I don’t know how I ended up on that tangent. ::shrug::)

Thanks for asking about my blog. I do have one and guess what? I haven’t told a single soul about it. It’s been my personal space to reflect and sort of counsel myself. But, I think I’m ready to share now. =) Check out my rants and musings at http://divorcedbydestiny.wordpress.com/

xoxo

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Alanna April 22, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Thank you. Your words help me in so many ways. It is really good to read/hear someone else with very similar thoughts and know that things will be ok.

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Laura September 17, 2011 at 11:57 am

These comments are so inspiring to me! I’m new to the blogosphere and wish I had reached out or read the wise words here and from other single moms who are so strong. As the single mom of a nine-year-old and two-year-old, who has been raising them alone for two years, I, too, know the dark place of that first year when I allowed myself to just bury my head in the sand. I’m finally emerging and it feels like a time of transformation. Just like you said, newsinglemomof3, this is our second chance to be whatever we want to be, to start over, to better our lives and that of our children. I so look forward to reading more from you all!

Love and light,

Laura

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Shelley October 21, 2011 at 4:00 pm

I’ve been a SM to 3 amazing kids for 10 years now. At this point I am working 2 jobs and trying hard to hold it all together. I found myself driving to work this morning, missing my kids, not looking forward to a 13.5 hour day and thinking that it would be great to hear someone say “you’ve got this and it’s all going to be OK”.

Thank you for saying what I needed to hear.

Shelley

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Tanja May 4, 2013 at 3:49 pm

I noticed that these posts stopped two years ago but nevertheless they helped me a lot. Being divorced for nine month, separated for two years raising two girls (age 18 and 12) it helped me not feeling alone in the search of hope. I just started to get the feeling of real freedom and making my own decisions and developing my own new dreams for myself recently. Regarding the ages of my daughters I have to be prepared for my life after being a single mom. Thank you all for your encouragement and the feeling of support. (even when its across the atlantic ocean :-)

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Chelsea October 31, 2013 at 11:07 pm

I am a married mother of 2 and another child due in april. my husband and I haven’t been getting along at all. he’s always on his phone and sometimes doesn’t even come home at night. I have been havering complications with this pregnancy and have been put on bed rest for a awhile. I’m so over having my feelings hurt and seeing my kids ask for their dad or try to play with him and he doesn’t acknowledge them. I’m ready to leave. I don’t know how ill do it. all of my family is in a different state and I don’t really have any friends. all of them turned their backs to me when I had kids. I don’t have anywhere to go and no job. of course because I have complications with my pregnancy. will someone give some advice?

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Miller March 7, 2014 at 6:54 pm

My wife has accused me of a lot of things in our years of marriage some of those accusation were true and i admitted to doing them but am to much in love with her to give her an s.t.d. She was down to end our marriage cos she believed i gave an s.t.d. She had a good reason to believe that cos of late i haven’t been the best husband. Thank God that s@@t was clarified in the Trisha show that i was not responsible for the s.t.d. She was in love with me as i was in love with her. Yes i will admit to the fact that i f$$ked up so many times but we always got around our problem i don’t mean avoid it i mean we fixed our problem like real adults but my stepson always thought i was not good enough for his mother. We never really got along. I never hated him, but he just didn’t like me and i wasn’t gonna suck up to him.He just wanted me out of their life and our problem just made it possible for him to see that happen cos he also accused me of giving my wife, his mother s.t.d. I agreed to do the Trisha show thinking maybe it will help fix our marriage but it made it even worse. After the show she was more down to leave me. She asked that i move out of the house filed for a divorce and all. I thought she will come to her sense and see that though she had s.t.d i still wanted to be with her. I thought if i should give her time the anger and bitterness will die but it didn’t even after a whole month after everything.She had the divorce papers delivered to me. I could not let her go just like that.I got desperate and i started panicking so i used a spell to get her back i know most people don’t believe and you may call me crazy but it worked for me. I found a comment on the Internet about this spell caster Metodo Ell. The comment said he doesn’t do spell for those who are not meant to be together. I mean i believe with all my heart that she is the one thing i needed in my life and i also know she needs me too so i thought he could help me get her back.He agreed to help me cos he also said we are soul mate.All i needed for the spell were materials to get the spell done. I could not get them so i paid him to get them for me since he is the expert in this stuff.After three days, he sent me a substance with instructions on how to make the spell effective and i did as he directed but honestly it took seven days to work i guess good things don’t work like zap. As far as i can tell that s$$t worked cos all my marriage problem just fell off my shoulder AFTER THE SPELL WAS CAST.My wife didn’t go through with the divorce and stepson is cool with me now. If you want to get him to cast a spell for you contact him here with this email address metodoacamufortress@yahoo. com he could also do a direct spell maybe it meant cost a little more than mine i don’t know him only can tell you that..

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