I sat down in front of my therapist this week – more on that later- but one of the first things she said to me was, “Do you know how courageous it was for you to do that, to leave like that when your son was just 4-months-old? Good for you, kiddo!”
She calls me kiddo, which I think is kind of cool. I’m not even sure if I should call her a therapist – more like a Godsend. Back to my point. Becoming single mothers, whether by choice or force, is incredibly courageous and incredibly frightening at the same time.
This comment came in today from Almost Single to my post on “Should I Leave My Husband?“. She’s a soon to be single mom who isn’t quite sure how she will make it, something I know I felt when I first became a single mom. Just read this (should sound very familiar):
So how do you move on, become a single mama, when you’re not ready to let go? I admire your strength, and I know I’ve been strong enough thus far. But I wonder if what’s keeping me going is my nerves? Waiting for the other shoe to drop is definitely a means of keeping me on my toes. What happens when that energy wears out? Or, worse, what happens when that other shoe does drop, and it breaks me? I wonder if it’d be easier to just let go, but so far it’s been easier to just close my eyes to those moments you speak of and keep telling myself there’s hope. How pathetic, right? What a woman will do? Thank you so much for sharing so intimately, and for letting so many of us share back.
First, your nerves are keeping you going. I believe it is a physical thing, a mama bear thing. You just have to keep going. There isn’t any other choice. And those nerves, guts or what have you will keep you going for as long as you need them to… and you will only be broken if you believe you’ll be broken. First rule of single motherhood: don’t write yourself a self-fulfilling prophecy.
And, yes, at times – in those days or weeks when you feel you can’t go on – hope is the only thing we do have. But there’s nothing pathetic about that, nothing at all. Hope springs eternal, right?
Bring on the hope, baby!
Remember, I started this blog after one entire year of being a single mom, much of what you read here are the optimistic ramblings of a seasoned single mama. That first year is so dark, I rarely return, keeping most of it buried.
One memory I’ll never forget is looking at Benjamin while the rest of my world crumbled around me. There he was in his bath, gooing and gaaing – happy as a little bug, and then it hit me, “My world is falling apart, but he is fine. He is just fine. At least I have that, at least he is okay.” From that day on, in my darkest moments, I just looked at my smiling baby and felt like all was right.
I’m not sure how old your children are and I’m not saying divorce doesn’t hurt children, it does, but I’m sure the way the mama bear handles that divorce has a direct impact on how her children handle the divorce. So keep your chin up, for their sake, and then you’ll find your spirits rising too.
Everything will be okay. I promise.
Anyone else have advice for a newly single mom? If you have a second, share one of your first year memories – the worst, the best?
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
The first year is scary and hard. I got through it by just pushing ahead no matter how difficult it seemed. I also had an amazing therapist who was constantly pointing out to me the wonderful progress I was making. It was a huge boost to my self-esteem and made me truly believe that I could do this!
She will make it. It is so hard and so courageous. In my first year, I felt like you did Alaina, the world was crashing around me and here was this tiny little baby, so innocent and precious. My daughter gave me strength, to know that this was all for her. The woman who asked that question isn’t pathetic, she is strong, and I admire her and every single mom in the universe. In my first year I remember lying in bed at night, thinking to myself “How did I get here?” but then I would get an overwhelming feeling of calm over my entire body. I believe this is the universe, God, or whatever you want to call it telling me that I had made the right choice. I would awake in the morning to a beautiful baby daughter and know, that in the future she will know that her mom did the best she could and did it all for her. Hang in there, and Alaina, thank you for your blog and all the wonderful things you put on here. You help so many people including me and I am eternally grateful for it!
I’m a single mom twice over – once after my divorce and then years later, after another relationship ended before I knew I was pregnant with my fourth child. I was going through a turbulant break up, a pregancy and still had to hold it together for my other three kids. It was probably the toughest year of my life. My youngest’s father was very negative and unsupportive, as well as emotional abusive. I got through it and now my daughter is three. She is a blessing and me and my kids can’t imagine our lives without her in it. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Us moms can rise to any challenge.
I always thought that staying was even scarier than leaving. : )
I’ve only known single motherhood. I was left pretty much immediatly after I found out I was pregnant. I’ll say the first 2 years was the most difficult because pregnancy hormones need stability, and pregnancy and singleness do not create balance. But I had the love and support of a church family that loves me and my baby to be, to our core. It didn’t fill the void(s), but it was more than I could have ever imagined. I don’t know what I would have done without them.
The first year after she was born was a battle of losing thy-self. Because when you have a baby, your life is no longer yours. I was okay with this…but I had to do it in double time since I didn’t have extra hands to share. Its the process of working through it that is painful. But now, its like I’ve truly never known anything but single motherhood. Like…I’ve always had her and its always been just us. It is exhausting, but the very best (selfishly) part of it all is that she is all MINE. I get to see all of her firsts and I get to explode with joy about how darned cute and fun she is. All mine cute and fun! :O)
Life is exhausting. But how much fuller it is to laugh and giggle and dance right in the middle of all the tired’s with the very angels we’ve been blessed with in the middle of the chaos. :O)
With time it gets easier, and your child will be happy as long as your happy.
It’s very important to surround yourself with positive helpful people, it helps allot knowing that you have that support, and it helps knowing that you’re not alone.
It does get easier over time, it really does. But most importantly, you have to take one foot step at a time.
You will get your strength from your child and you will be amazed by how much that will keep you going.
Another thing that really SAVED me was seeking professional help and going on a low dose of an antidepressant right after my ex husband left. This was nothing less than a miracle for me … I was so anti-medication before, but looking back, I was on such a downward spiral and nothing else would have helped me.
Times are really tough the first year — I’m still at month 10 of that first year, but seek out a support system, either online or in real life.
Just seeing emails from friends/supporters keeps me going!
Another thing — my ex is a much better parent to our son now that we’re divorced than if we had stayed together. in fact, I’M a better parent this way — right before my ex left, we were getting in terrible fights in front of the baby, and luckily he was young enough to not know anything, but still … I am so grateful to be divorced!
I’m just coming out of the first year (holy cow). I wish I had some profound nugget of advice to share, but I don’t. It’s been hard. It’s still hard. But I’ve also had some of the greatest moments of my life this past year. I’ve learned how strong and capable I am.
I agee that you just keep going. You get out of bed every day and continue to move forward. Sometimes you won’t have the energy to trek on, and you’ll stay put for a few days (or weeks). There will even be times that you fall back a few steps. But you just pick yourself up and continue on.
I had a similar moment as you, seeing my daughter just keeping on, without crumbling or melancholy as part of her aura. It was the thing that convinced me that we, and I, would be okay. Really, I’ve heard it from a lot of moms, the kids always seem to save us.
I have to agree that first year is dark and lonely and scary!
I also remember very little about what happened that year! I was on auto pilot doing what needed to be done for the kids!
But it gets better, you get stronger, happier and realise its all going to be just fine
The key for me was support – my friends, my family even my colleagues. I leaned on people I never thought would support me they way they did! And its largely thanks to them I got thro it sane!
I touched on this recently.
http://lilcyndiluwho.wordpress.com/2008/11/24/good-riddance/
The first year is HORRIBLE! But you can’t let yourself get stuck in the thought that it will be that way forever because you do slowly evolve out of the darkness. It takes as long as it takes, but it happens.
Its true. And so many people say, “I don’t know how you do it!”
Don’t we have a single parent mantra now that says, “We do what we do because we have to!”
We don’t even think about it! And it is SO good to know you’re not alone. Maybe she should see if there are single parent meetup groups on Meetup.com or some sort of divorce support group at her church. She needs to be around others who’ve done it. (though I didn’t have that until my blog)
The first year? Oh my… I was so angry and resentful. I felt awful for the way I resented my situation. Oh and yes, the kids will handle it just the way you do.
Good luck!
I ran on pure love for my daughter for weeks. I never thought id have an appetite or smile again. But then one day, i did. And i was never so thankful for anything in my life. You will make it without him. You will survive and THRIVE as a single mom. Lean on friends when you need to, but know that soon the good days will be more and more frequent. One day you will wake up and say I did it, im doing it.
I’ve also known only single motherhood, but the first year was stressful as well as joyous. One thing that happens is that as you get through each day, you feel more capable and confident. Every day is another day you did it! Also, people can be wonderfully kind if you let them. You do need your network. You also do need to speak up and say, “Look this is my life and I need–” It works. I think the worst for me was the high-stress job I had when Simone was 1 – 2. I quit and went back to work for myself after those two years and I’ve worked at home since then and it’s been a real bonus.
I started out as a single mom then got married and then divorced. Being a single mom in the first few years was very stressful but with the help of family and very good friends I survived.
You will make it if you can get past the roller coaster emotions. I think that ’s the hardest part. Your feelings are all over the map, but once you get them under control you will be able to make good decisions (most of the time
) and be able to focus on who matters the most, you child.
You will need to practice a lot of self care so don’t neglect to soak a little longer in the tub or linger a little longer in the bed. Take a nap, but don’t stay there for days. Seek the safe haven of family and friends but maintain good boundaries too.
I wish you all the best!
Oh, I am so there. This first six months has suuuccckkked. And no one around me seems to get it. I often feel like I am walking in a fog and wonder why the world keeps moving around me. I agree with MSM – you just have to keep going. I cannot even imagine where I’d be if I didn’t have my son. I get up and go to work because I know I have to support him. I keep a smile on my face because he is watching. Sure, I have a lot of dark moments but far fewer because I know I have to be Mommy first and woman second.
I am lucky enough to have a lot of support from my family, and even lived with my parents for the first two years of my daughter’s life. So I don’t think the parenting part was as challenging in the beginning as it has been for a lot of others single moms. But the hard part for me was staying away from her father. There were so many times I wanted to pick up the phone and call him, but each time I’d look at my little girl, remember how bad things were with her father, and tell myself that she didn’t deserve to be a part of that and that I needed to love myself enough to stay away too. Now, I’d be fine never seeing him again. So you get past that.
Also, I recommend surrounding yourself with some great girlfriends. I joined a local chapter of Parents Without Partners for just that reason, and to this day (8 years later) I’m still very close to some of the women I met there. There is nothing like that love and support that you and your child can get from a set of really great friends. It’s like having an extended family.
Good luck!
As always, can I just say – my readers are THE best resource for single moms… thank you so much everyone for these inspiring comments.
Almost single e-mailed me to tell me how much they have lifted her spirits!
I’ve rounded the bend of my first Single Mom anniversary. One year ago I moved into my own apartment, got promoted at my job and slowly started recovering from hearing the infamous “I just never loved you” statement that solidified my place as a single mom.
I wrote about the feeling of impending meltdown last January: http://pisceshanna.wordpress.com/2008/01/03/spiritual-insights-into-2008/
Its amazing how far I’ve come.
Wow – what is it about the fall? This is my one year anniversary as a single mom too!
I remember 2 years ago, when we first separated, I was literally afraid to be in the house by myself. I had this irrational fear that someone would break in and kill me and my son. Now… I don’t even think about it. Not one bit. I’ve come a long way, baby. If I can do it, anyone can!
Time is a wonderful thing, along with amazing communities of other single parents
The first year is hard. The fifth year is probably hard, too, but in so many different, wonderful ways.
In the first year, surrender. Take help that is offered, build a tribe, and be gentle with yourself.
Surrender. Stop fighting everything you can’t change, can’t stand, can’t can’t can’t. Let it pass through you and surrender. It’s an amazing feeling.
In a couple of years, she can experience that bewildering panic that comes with the realization that she’s not surviving anymore… but doesn’t yet know how to thrive. It’s a heady place to get to. And to get through!
You all have no idea how much you’ve helped me move past this first phase of my situation.
My thoughts for the past few months have been riddled with ideas of “this isn’t how this was supposed to go.” I couldn’t let go of how heartbroken I was that I’m not part of the happy little family I wanted for so long. I was so adamant about not letting go that I was looking past all of the very legitimate reasons TO let go.
But knowing I’m strong enough to get through this, and knowing I’m not the only one who’s had to withstand such an unfortunate situation , has brought me to a point where I finally WANT to let go. I finally WANT to move on.
My little boy is only 3 months old. I have the option here to give him a happy life, and that’s what I’m going to concentrate on. But I won’t forget myself in all of this. I need to learn to treat myself better, stop setting myself up for disappointment, and instead accept the calm and content feelings I’m experiencing as a positive reinforcement that I am capable. Just as all of you have been.
Again, you have no idea how you all have helped. Blogs are a wonderful thing.
Roxanne –
I’m SO happy for you…. YES!!!!!
It won’t be easy but seeing it that way – as your chance to give your son (and yourself) that happy life you’ve always dreamed about – is exactly where your head needs to be. And, believe me, it does get easier. Just like anything else – we adapt. You’ll be amazed at how much stronger you feel just a few months from now, not even to mention one year from now.
Keep me posted okay?
Alaina
I, too, am seriously contemplating leaving my husband. Our relationship is so toxic (wasn’t always). I know that I have contributed to this just as much as he has though I can’t take it anymore. I find I’m taking my frustration and anger toward him out on my 2 kids. I simply cannot continue anymore. I am always angry and hostile toward him. He can be mean to me and my kids (just listen to the way he talks to us), I feel that he does not respect me…and on and on.
wow. I think you said it best with don’t write a self -fulfilling prophecy. It’s true. The most important thing I have learned thru my experience of raising a son on my own is to never accept lower expectations. True things may be more difficult but to continue to strive for excellence and kindness is always at the forefront. Someone asked me a series of questions a few month ago and then told another person that I was playing the single mom card. A few years ago that would have floored me, today water off the back. There is a strengtth hat comes about, I would compare to a immigrant coming to america and assimilating. Lots of judgement, lots of the same old questions but most importantly with all of the things that come with that a humbling experience that we cannot control the externals but can only do our very best to raise our children. And most importantly choose our attitudes while we do this. Much luck.
I know I’m coming in late on this one but I’m so far behind on my blogs. My ex and I separated twice for a few weeks at a time before I finally left for good. My boss was a single mother and she kept telling me that when it was time to go, I would know and have no doubts or second thoughts. I called her one Friday morning last April and told her I was leaving for good. She asked me what happened and I told her it was the strangest thing…there was no big fight, no earth-shattering event, I just knew it was over and I couldn’t go on that way any more. I found out after I left that he had been cheating on me. I’m sure he didn’t mean to give me this gift but through his words and attitudes and actions since I left, he has given me little room to doubt that I made the right choice. I know without question that I *had* to leave when I did.
I’m at 8 months now and I can honestly say that those first few months were some of the darkest and loneliest in my life. I was a single parent even when we married so I really had convinced myself that it would be no different alone. I was wrong. Even though he was emotionally abusive and distant and withdrawn, he was there and now I was alone. It really has been a roller coaster but the highs and lows are balancing out more now and I really can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
The biggest thing that has helped me has been the single parent blogosphere. I have friends and family in real life that care about me, but they don’t necessarily understand where I am right now. I was really starting to believe that I was the only person in the world who had ever been through this or felt the way I was feeling. Then I found the single mommy blogs and realized that I was not alone. I was not crazy. And best of all there was hope…I would get through this…not because I’m a super-hero but because I have to. I started my own blog about six months into my separation and it has been quite a ride. It has been extremely cathartic for me to write about my feelings and experiences and hopes and dreams and fears. I’ve kept my blog completely anonymous which is a pain sometimes but it is unbelievably liberating. And even through the veil of anonymity I’ve made some friends who have touched me very deeply. I would not be where I am right now without the support of my virtual friends.
To give you a little bit of hope and perspective, here’s a post I wrote the other day: http://wondermom-pickingupthepieces.blogspot.com/2008/12/upside-of-divorce.html .
Best of luck to you!
It warmed my heart just reading your blog.
Keep up the good work.
I’m about to leave. I’ve been married 20 years and in those 20 years my husband has put me through hell. He has been verbally abusive to me and is just hateful! I have spent my whole life making sure that everything I do makes him happy; nothing seems to work. I have 3 girls, ages 18, 14, and 4 and all of them are ready to get out and get away from their daddy too. It’s time, but I’m so afraid. I’m just a paraprofessional in my school system and I go to college full time too. I have a place to go (for free) but I’m so afraid I won’t even be able to pay the light bill. I really don’t make enough money. All I want is to be happy and for my girls to be happy. I don’t want to have to worry about HIM coming in and complaining about something every second. I just want to be happy. Please ladies, help me through this.
I’ve been divorced 6 years now and finally got custody of my daughter. It’s been rough years of battles and it feels like i’m a mom for the first time again. I wouldn’t give any of this hardship up for the world… Living without my daughter was so incomplete and now i realise the mother and child bond is so strong. There are days where her wisdom and care astound me and i am so grateful for this child.
First, it is so important to have a support system- that might be emotional, financial, physical or any combination of the above. I have friends that reached out and offered me their homes for as long as I needed when I first left and I lost my job and health insurance when I was pregnant. I had two wonderful supportive people in the delivery room with me. I had more visitors in the hospital than any other baby born in the year 2009 in that hospital I think. I lived with a dear friend for a month while I searched, interviewed and found the perfect job. A single mama friend of mine described the first year with an infant as “isolating.” That has been the case for me, as I moved to a new city where snow has kept me from visiting the few people I know and most of the people I know aren’t really interested in having me (and a baby) tagging along. BUT there are a lot of people I can call when I have a bad day. I tell people that I couldn’t raise my baby without the wonderful day care provider I found. I LOVE being a mom and that is my drive in life now. Sometimes I have a bad day or a few bad moments; I’ve even cried in front of my baby…and guess what…she doesn’t understand my tears….she giggles out loud…and I just have to laugh!