My relationship phobia is kicking in.
Always hits at the same time – after about one month. I start freaking out imagining this terminal diagnosis of actually being with someone indefinitely. Mr. Man has been incredibly patient -no, he has been more than patient – he has been considerate and totally understanding of my sudden mood swings and deflection of his warmth.
He calls these my “blockers” and they “scare the shit” out of him. It seems they are beyond my control. My gut is screaming at me – yelling actually – “You aren’t ready. You can’t do this because you don’t know how. Being single is much, much easier and besides men are a pain in the ass (eventually it always turns sour).” Then I act like a bitch or go cold on him.
A few nights ago, deep in freak out mode and feeling so frustrated with myself, I vented a bit to Matt Logelin. Ever since our SMW radio show together we’ve been e-mailing here and there, nurturing our virtual friendship which I can only hope becomes one in the flesh some day.
As a friend, he’s just as insightful and inspirational as he is on his blog:
Matt: How are you?
Me: I’m fine. Just trying to get my head around the idea of actually being with someone – being in a relationship again. I’m just not sure if I can handle the idea of permanency. So very scary to me. But he’s not threatening my freedom at all, and I realize not all people in relationships are locked down, unless they allow themselves to be and I’ve never been treated this well in my life (except by my father).
Just having a weak moment. And realizing that I probably need therapy for my commitment phobia.
Matt: i don’t think you need therapy at all. when you do this shit by yourself for so long you eventually resign yourself to the fact that you don’t need anyone else. i know that’s how i feel now that i’ve proven to myself that i am a capable parent.
it’s gonna take a long time for that mindset to change, even though you’ve found someone so amazing.
just keep enjoying yourself with no pressure. your issues will work themselves out.
i’m sure of it.
He’s right. I too resigned myself to the fact that I would be alone indefinitely a long time ago. So the idea of someone else joining the picture has me a bit overwhelmed. I’m not a freak, or a commitment phobe, I’m just a single parent – taking my time and having trouble envisioning an actual significant other in my life.
And just as it took me some time to adapt to being alone, it will take me time to adapt to being in a relationship. I’m thinking at least 6 months to a year. There’s a blessing in disguise in Mr. Man and I’s future… we’ll actually be apart due to circumstances neither one of us can control for just over three months this winter. (I may explain later but have to keep it close for now).
The time apart will be the perfect test… for me. I am quite certain Mr. Man will pass with flying colors.
Matt, who lost his wife Liz just 25 hours after their daughter Madeline was born has partnered with SingleMindedWomen.com to create a My Stuff Bag Foundation charity. The charity provides clothing, toys and necessary items for abused, neglected and abandoned children (newborns – 18 yrs.) throughout the United States.
Please click here for more information. It would mean the world to me and to Matt if you’d make it the charity of choice this holiday season. And you wouldn’t have to splurge, there are items as low as $5.99 in the registry.